1981 Daily Journal – I attend University, work on Music, look for Love [Love, Business, Music: 69 pages]Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
I dedicate this year toâ€¦
and the pursuit of my dream
to get a record contract and
sell a hit record.
Names for Show Business
J.J. Stone Zam
Brian Ultranoff Rough Crumbs
Rik Hightower The Undead
Songs by Hightower (Shea) and Hockridge
No. 164 Crying
165 Itâ€™s All Fate
167 Time to Get Away
168 Love Hurts
169 The Promised Land
170 Iâ€™m Coming
171 Love in the World
January 1st â€“ 6th, 1981
I have been setting up the acquisition of the cassette deck that I am getting as a mix-down machine. Norma is going to and now has lent me $350.00. On the 6th Norma got an abortion and until further notice there will be no little Jefferies running around. My brother Mikeâ€™s wife Linda had a baby boy as did my brother Marcâ€™s wife, Maxine.
January 7th, 1981
This update brings us to today Jan. 7th. I bought this Diary today and chose one without daily pages because I need the freedom to write when I can and how much I feel like.
Right this minute I am recording Number 7.
Iâ€™ve got the funds and I will pick up the cassette recorder this week and begin mailing out tapes to producers and record companies by the end of the month.
Iâ€™m in the process of getting some cocaine for Norma. I want to break up with her because sheâ€™s not attractive, sheâ€™s ugly, and I wish I had some glamour in my life. I saw some China-girl from school down at Macyâ€™s, who sold this diary to me, and I asked her out but sheâ€™s got a boyfriend (so, Iâ€™ve got a girlfriend). Itâ€™s not that I donâ€™t want Norma, itâ€™s just that Iâ€™m looking for a change. Iâ€™m looking for a change in many parts of my life.
I feel overpowered by society. There doesnâ€™t seem to be enough joy in my life, and there seems nowhere to turn, except maybe up… or out. I wish I could start a big movement and ride the crest of the wave, mostly just for kicks, but perhaps Iâ€™d find some meaning in life then. I donâ€™t want to become a Jesus freak either because they seem nuts to me. I feel lifeless, dead.
Perhaps I just need more exercise.
Well, I am gonna get back to my recording. My state of mind:
Thereâ€™s nothing left to live for. All avenues offer nothing. Death awaits all of us, so whatâ€™s the use of living. I seek meaning. I wish I could find it.
January 9th, 1981
I am still recovering from last night when I got drunk, and coked out (a bit.)
I have been trying to record Number 7 but I canâ€™t put any parts down. I think the time has come for the synthesizer. I would love to put a synth down on this song. It needs a little spice. I guess I can save up with money from work but I should start paying Gam some of what I owe her again.
Go-go and I met again tonight at the Hyatt Regency. Last night he scored some coke for me, for Norma and tonight we smoked a J of Hawaiian and he traded me some speed for it.
We went to a bar and as we were coming out some girls approached us but we responded too slowly, rather, not at all, and they got away. The last time I was out with him we picked up some chicks. I think perhaps weâ€™d make a good â€˜chick picking-upâ€™ combo. So, weâ€™re gonna meet next Friday, again at 6pm for the purpose of meeting some women. We meet at the fountain inside the Hyatt Regency on the Embarcadero.
Iâ€™m a $* Hero!
Tonight I saved a woman from some guy. I was driving along and they were struggling out in the middle of the street. I checked to see if he had a gun or knife in hand and then I approached them.
The woman said that she wanted to get free. I got angry with the man and I bodily threw him off of her. It felt great. The woman left and the man got in his van and drove away. I got in my car and I went to find police. I found the van again and as the van pulled up to a stoplight with a CHP officer waiting in front of the line, I pulled alongside the CHP and we both pulled up alongside the guy in the van, which had parked while I was informing the officer. I had picked up the manâ€™s hat, which he had lost in the struggle with the woman and I now came forth to the officer and said, â€œproof. Here is his hat!â€
The officer told the man to sit in the van while he went to find the woman. The man was drunk and he did as he was told. I left at this point
So now Iâ€™ll go over to Normaâ€™s and try to sleep off this awful hangover. I have to repair my headphones tomorrow and I suppose Iâ€™ll be back here recording tomorrow evening again.
Iâ€™m letting my facial hair grow on account of the fact that Norma has requested I do so.
January 11th, 1981
Check that facial hair. I just shaved it. Iâ€™m waiting to go to a party at my 40-year old cousin Joey Gallopâ€™s house.
Last night. I mixed down tracks 4,5,6,7,8 down to track 3. Iâ€™ve listened to it enough and Iâ€™d say off hand Iâ€™ll probably stay with the mix and proceed to record some kind of percussion. I wonder if I am making too many tracks. I should probably stick with a minimum number of tracks. I am probably going overboard.
Norma has been giving me the very best BJâ€™s ever. The last two nights have been sensational. It probably makes a difference that I was fantasizing that I was with some of the worldâ€™s most beautiful women.
My right eye is still twitching like hell. I wish it would go away. I should probably write or call back ToniÃ§a and Lynn, but I canâ€™t seem to get psyched up about it.
Iâ€™ve altered my plans for my studio. I think Iâ€™ll cancel my need for:
1) A noise reduction.
2) A half-track machine.
Since itâ€™s purpose is primarily as a demo-studio I feel weâ€™ll simply go for:
1) A synthesizer.
2) An acoustic steel string guitar.
3) A space echo or chorus echo.
I think those items will effectively complete my studio. After that Iâ€™ll probably concentrate on paying back my loans and working with the stuff I got. Then I will wait until further notice for my next step.
If I get my student loan I will be able to:
1) Pay back Norma $1050
2) Space echo $350
3) Acoustic $200
4) Synthesizer $800
If I get extra money after that and I want to I can spend it on improving the basic units I have already.
The basic completion of my studio is potentially 3 months away, March 11th, 1981. My deliberation to get the studio took place on around March 6th, 1980. So it will effectively be 1 year to achieve this goal.
My next goal will be to use the studio to:
GET A RECORD CONTRACT.
Then after that it will be to:
GET A GOLD RECORD.
Then it will be to:
GET A PLATINUM RECORD.
Some minor goals along the way will be to:
1) Pay off the existing loans.
2) Get a sportier car.
3) Get to be a Playboy with a lot of pretty girls to love me.
4) Get a lot of nice clothes.
5) More spending money.
6) Get to work in surroundings where I can wear nice clothes.
Some steps along the way of the strictly musical goals are:
1) To associate myself with willing and excellent musicians.
2) To get together a performing act in which I am the main attraction.
3) To make all my money strictly in the entertainment field.
Well, I suppose itâ€™s time to get back to my music.
January 12th, 1981
I just got a letter from Lynn saying sheâ€™s coming out to see me and she loves me. Iâ€™ve never felt so excited. Itâ€™s all going to happen…
I AM GOING TO
BE A STAR.
This is the letter I wrote to Lynn in return to hers.
My sweetheart! I love you.
Lynn, youâ€™re letter has made me so happy. Iâ€™m so in love with you, ever since the first time we touched. Would you come and make this boy happy? Oh, Lynn, I am already happy with the thought of being able to see you.
If you can come during the summer I can show you all over California. We can take my car.
Iâ€™m doing my best recording right now. I am trying so hard. I would love to make you proud of me by having my music all over the radio.
Lynn, I am so in love with you. Time has not taken any of the beautiful freshness of your memory from me.
Please come. I need you very much. I will do everything I can to make your visit a pleasant one.
I hope that you donâ€™t think Iâ€™m crazy because I pour out my heart to you, but you must realize that in the short time we were together you touched my heart in a way no one ever did before.
I am going to call you tomorrow because I want to hear you.
Please write and be careful in Mexico. Please come to California.
I love you so much.
That was the end of the letter.
Diary, I am so in love. I hope she means it when she says sheâ€™s coming. Iâ€™ve been recording vocals to No. 7.
I took 3 tabs of speed at work and another during my recording session.
January 13th, 1981
At precisely 1pm our time today, I called up Lynn Yoakley. It was a perfect conversation and I am permanently on Cloud 10. She says she is definitely coming here during the summer. I asked her if she would like to be her guide for California and she said sheâ€™d love that, I am elated. It is really going to come true.
The following are some excerpts from our conversation:
Me: Can I show you around? Maybe you wouldnâ€™t like that.
Her: Well, and maybe Iâ€™d love it. Why did you say that?
Me: Thatâ€™s what I wanted to hear. So itâ€™s O.K.?
Her: Iâ€™d love it.
Me: Can I show you around?
Her: When are you going to send me a tape?
Me: Iâ€™m afraid if I send you a tape that it will change your mind about seeing me… Iâ€™ll send you a tape if you promise youâ€™ll still see me. O.K.?
Our parting words.
Me: I send you my love.
Her: I send you mine too. I really enjoyed it.
Me: Me too. Bye Bye.
It was 4 am her time. I woke her up. She was up until 5am. She works at a bar. She says it was 54Â°F below zero last night in Montreal. We talked for about 10 minutes.
Sheâ€™s coming out here this summer and I am going to show her all over California. It is going to be the most romantic thing thatâ€™s ever happened to me.
Lynn, I love you.
January 13th, 1981
Iâ€™m ready to go over to Normaâ€™s now, itâ€™s about midnight. I just plugged along on the vocals on No. 7 tonight. I really like the way itâ€™s turning out. Iâ€™m very psyched up about music and I have a lot of ideas coming to me. Tomorrow, the cassette. Maybe I should get a Â½ track.
January 14th, 1981
I got the cassette â€“ it sounds perfect; well, pretty damn good. I rearranged my studio. Ruined my headphones. Listened to Vic, my Momâ€™s husband, bore me to death and then had to do his dishes, but my sweetheart sister did a lot of the dishes for me.
Iâ€™m gonna sell my Teac. I saw a flanger-double by Delta Labs today for $950. I made an appointment for the ophthalmologist.
I ran today.
I think Iâ€™ll try to complete a few more songs before I start to mail them out. Iâ€™ll have to copyright them also.
Iâ€™ve got to think about my next steps.
January 16th, 1981
Last night I went out with Tim (Vaughn) and Jeff and Gary. I had Gary and Tim over and we were messing around with my equipment.
Today I havenâ€™t got any recording done, and also last night I had the same problem. I have been getting stoned too much. Well, itâ€™s very enjoyable but I canâ€™t really record when Iâ€™m stoned, because to record I need intense control. Speed or cocaine is better; nothing at all is best.
I am writing to you Diary, to record my frustration with this vocal track. The other night when I was all speeded up, I knew exactly what to do, my voice came out clear and on pitch. My dubs on the rough spots have become a trouble because now, 2 days later I canâ€™t get the same vocal quality as before. I will keep trying, but I have to have a good voice day to complete Number 7… do some coke before I come home from Normaâ€™s and then I am going to take some speed. Then Iâ€™m gonna try to finish No. 7.
January 18th, 1981
Itâ€™s actually the 19th since itâ€™s after midnight.
I laid around all weekend, Iâ€™m still recording No. 7.
Iâ€™m fairly satisfied with it, except that Iâ€™m gonna spend a few more days on it.
I tried recording it backwards and it didnâ€™t fit. By the way, I got coked out yesterday and it worked just fine. Getting coked out and speed goes well with recording. Speed does not.
I canâ€™t bring myself too call ToniÃ§a, now I have Lynn to think about. I canâ€™t wait to see her!
I love the set up in my room and my cassette is very useful.
I will write to MoÃ±o this week. I will also finish my tax returns and mail them in.
I have decided I need more instruments to play in my studio. Letâ€™s make a list of them:
4) Acoustic Guitar
5) Rhythm Machine
Also, letâ€™s make a list of the other components that will add effects:
1) Flanger, doubler
2) Space Echo
The Delta Lab 4 might be good enough to serve as a flanger, doubler, space echo for both my voice and for other instruments. It is my goal to finish getting the following instruments this year:
$1000 1. Delta Lab Four (flanger, doubler, echo)
$800 2. Synthesizer
$400 3. Rhythm Machine
$250 4. Acoustic Guitar
$150 5. Trumpet
$1000 6. Piano
$1500 7. Â½ Track Reorder
Wow! I only need another $5200 to get all the stuff I need!!
What will I want after that? Iâ€™ll want a…
A. Sound workshop mixing console (8 track)
B. More microphones (Neumann.)
C. A better quality 8 track.
D. Better instrumentation (guitars, etc.)
E. To move into a studio.
Iâ€™m getting pretty confident about my music. I think Iâ€™ll probably do well; Iâ€™ve got a good chance of making the big time. Iâ€™m getting control over the recorders and once Iâ€™m able to make the stuff sound exactly how I want it, itâ€™s going to be sensational, Iâ€™m sure of it.
By the way, I worked out a deal with Tim for the clothes.
I will buy a gram of coke and he and I will split it and do it all in one night. Thatâ€™s gonna be a lot of fun.
The only other thing that I want to mention has to do with Norma.
Sheâ€™s really got an ugly face, and it disturbs and embarrasses me in public. Sheâ€™s kind, considerate, generous, loving, a great fuck, cute, loveable, warm, affectionate, sincere and intelligent.
I could never tell her that her looks are scaring me off. I wouldnâ€™t want to hurt someone as special as she is. I want to date other girls, but I donâ€™t want to hurt her. Sheâ€™s also like a good friend to me. Iâ€˜m sure Iâ€™d miss her. But Iâ€™m embarrassed to bring her home. It would be so nice if I was proud of her, and I could gladly introduce her to my family. Iâ€™m not afraid of getting married, i.e., Iâ€™m not afraid of having a real girlfriend, but Norma doesnâ€™t fit that bill.
I would feel like a fool to cast her aside I feel sheâ€™s a very valuable friend that I donâ€™t want to lose. But what to do?
January 19th, 1981
Nothing much accomplished tonight. Tomorrow Iâ€™ll make a cassette of No. 7 and start on my next song.
January 20th, 1981
Made 3 cassettes of No. 7. It sounds good. Tomorrow Iâ€™ll start recording â€˜Must be Loveâ€™ and I think Iâ€™ll do â€˜Youâ€™re the Topsâ€™ as my hard-rocker, except that I think Iâ€™ll call it â€œHot Rock.â€ â€œH-O-T-R-O-C. Hot rock.â€ Iâ€™ve been thinking about Lynn a lot. I hope she comes.
January 21st, 1981
Today I got $236 worth of clothes from Tim. Thatâ€™s a total so far of…
$490 for $52.92.
Now all I need to get is the Harris Tweed Jacket, a few casual shirts and a few casual pants.
January 22nd, 1981
I am hen-pecked and father-pecked.
My old man started yelling at me today.
Him: â€œDid you get to Fujiyokaâ€™s place yesterday?â€
Him: â€œWhereâ€™s the stuff?â€
Me: â€œWhat stuff?â€
Him: (Storming off in a rage.) Whatâ€™s the matter with you?
It turns out he was referring to some papers he had given to Mac to give to me, so I could deliver them. Mac never told me about them and he mailed them, so my father was completely unjustified in his rage. Typical.
I called ToniÃ§a, but again she wasnâ€™t home. I asked Renada if ToniÃ§a wanted me not to call. She said:
â€œSure, she wants you to call.â€
That made me feel good. So I said Iâ€™d call ToniÃ§a tomorrow.
I keep thinking of Lynn. I am in love.
I have just put down the bass line and two clackity-clack percussion lines to â€˜Must Be Love.â€™ I am surprised it sounds so good. I am pleased and very excited.
For my last 2 songs on this album I am going to do the music to â€˜If We Tryâ€™ for the folksy number and I will replace Tomâ€™s lyrics with some of my own.
For the hard rock tune I think I will play â€˜Shock,â€™ and as I said yesterday, Iâ€™ll turn it into â€˜Hot Rock.â€™ Again, I am very excited.
Taking GMAT Saturday.
Went to eye doctor. He said my eyes were A-O.K.
Talked to Tim. Deal is this. Split 1 gram â€“ coke my cost $100. If he gets me, jacket, 2 shits, 2 pants Iâ€™ll pay another $50. Period.
Clymer was there and I talked to him and forgave him. Tim said Clymer didnâ€™t influence, him and that he wouldâ€™ve brought up negotiations anyway.
P.S. Work is bringing me down. Recording is bringing me up. Iâ€™ve got to do more of it â€“ and less fiberglass.
January 26th, 1981
I feel terrible. I just had a real depressing dream about ToniÃ§a. I dreamt I saw her and she had changed so much and she was so taken with herself she wouldnâ€™t love anyone.
But the dream I just had is only part of it. The main reason I feel so bad is that last night before I went to sleep I listened to â€˜No. 7â€™ and it sounded terrible. As maybe it wasnâ€™t that it sounded so terrible â€“ it just didnâ€™t sound so good and it makes me think I wasted my entire Christmas vacation.
Iâ€™ve been taking drugs and stealing from Vaughnâ€™s and thinking Iâ€™m a big shot. Iâ€™ve been talking like Iâ€™m a big shot. I got myself into believing that â€˜No. 7â€™ was as good as anything on the radio. And itâ€™s not. How I wish I could write good songs! Iâ€™ve been rude to my family, slacked off at work, and Iâ€™m always with my head in a cloud, wondering what the worldâ€™s all about.
Iâ€™ve stopped exercising. Iâ€™ve sort of fallen apart. Iâ€™ve got to at least finish up these songs and get them out so that I can let someone else decide if Iâ€™m a â€œno talent.â€
Now Iâ€™m worried. I didnâ€™t like what I heard last night â€“ â€˜No.7!â€™
â€˜Must Be Loveâ€™ has come alive!
January 28th, 1981
I love home. Iâ€™ve just been struggling with my car. Itâ€™s so nice to be home, fed, and warm. No music tonight.
I am tired. My car is leaking. Christmas vacation is almost over and I donâ€™t feel that Iâ€™ve achieved what I wanted to.
Tomorrow Iâ€™ve got to waterproof my car, so it doesnâ€™t short out the ignition again, like tonight.
Iâ€™ve got to file my State Income tax. I got to call Teets, write MoÃ±o.
But most of all, Iâ€™ve got to keep going on my songs.
I have yet to write about it, but 2 nights ago I brought over the rhythm tracks of â€˜Must Be Loveâ€™ I let her hear it in the headphones. She was clearly amazed.
She said, â€œI had no idea! Itâ€™s great!â€ She was in a daze until we finally got to sleep.
I played the same tape for Clymer and he said it was â€˜great,â€™ the fidelity was good enough for airplay on the radio, but that he thought it was a little bit too simplistic or repetitive.
Iâ€™m going to let those two listen to my tapes. The ones they concur on I will send out.
I said (and then I wrote) this about â€˜Must Be Loveâ€™ on my way to Normaâ€™s 2 nights ago…
â€œI think I can make it with this song… and I learned a lesson â€“ pick the stupid, simple songs and elaborate on them.â€
February 1st, 1981
I finally mixed down 4 guitars on 5,6,7,8 tracks to track 3 a few days ago. The mix is great and Iâ€™ve got all those mixed down to track 1,2,3,4 with 5,6,7,8 now open for vocals. The mixes have been great. I just got home and walked in and put down some great vocals to â€˜Must Be Love,â€™ like the first time I walked up to the mic, but now, trying to correct the mistakes is a drag and Iâ€™m having problems. It doesnâ€™t sound â€˜realâ€™ when I try to re-do a part of the vocals. The 1st take was so natural, relaxed and confident. Now Iâ€™m having problems getting in the mood again.
February 2nd, 1981
For some reason mix on Track 3 doesnâ€™t come through clearly now!
My car broke down last night and I finally, today, found out where the short was.
Iâ€™m having my doubts about â€˜Must Be Loveâ€™ â€“ the vocals sound meso-meso… I may just be getting tired of hearing the song.
Iâ€™m tired right now. Norma and I went to the show â€˜Arabian Nightsâ€™ last night. A lot of sex. Rated X.
Iâ€™m not gonna cut tonight.
February 4th, 1981
Here is a list of the songs I will record for Clymer and Norma.
1) You Do Magic
2) Sweet Lady of Mystery X
3) Little Child of Love
4) Stage Fright
5) Flowers X
6) Dance Heaven X
7) The Center
With Your Fire
9) Number Seven
10) Come on Over X
Plus my next 2 songs
11) Must Be Love
12) Everythingâ€™s O.K.
When, these 2 songs are done and Iâ€™ve mixed down the others I will give copies to Norma and Clymer for review.
My target date is the end of February, 1981.
Iâ€™ll give them a month for review, during which time Iâ€™ll try to start recording the following songs:
1) I Need Her like the Sun/Space Castles
2) Rock Til Itâ€™s Light
3) (Music to, Itâ€™s O.K. â€“ acoustical)
5) I Love You Through and Through
6) (Youâ€™re the Topps â€“ Music)
7) I Could Wait Forever.
Starting in March Iâ€™ll then make about 20 cassettes of the best six or songs and mail them out and distribute them, contact producers, if possible. Iâ€™ll mail the copyright tape out for copyright purposes.
Iâ€™ll also keep Clymer and Norma listening to the new tapes if possible.
February 8th, 1981
Iâ€™m just about ready to hit it. Iâ€™m listening to the 4 completed songs.
Dance Heaven – is No.1 it is great, no doubt about it. This is a hit.
Sweet Lady of Mystery â€“ is also a masterpiece. A very likely demo candidate.
Flowers â€“ is awesome. I am overjoyed that I finally have it recorded and mixed.
Come On Over â€“ Iâ€™m not so sure about this piece. It is interesting, but I almost wish I could re-do it if I was going to put it on album. I missed the nuances that I had originally intended when I wrote it.
When I listen to myself I think Iâ€™m so great, that I get nervous that something might happen to me before I can get this music to the public.
Iâ€™ve got to drive more carefully. Iâ€™ve got to play it safe now. Iâ€™m too close to chance something to happen to this genius of a man who is writing this now.
Iâ€™m listening to Flowers. â€˜Flowersâ€™ is a masterpiece. It is timeless.
My recorder-refined music has a timeless quality, a quality that transcends the age we live in and unlocks the hidden chambers of the mind.
Tonight, I put the 3rd vocal on â€˜Must Be Love.â€™ It is really taking shape. I think Iâ€™ll put a few finishing touches on it and then be ready to mix it onto the cassette.
Then Iâ€™ll start recording â€˜Everythingâ€™s O.K.â€™ which no doubt will be the crÃ¨me-de-la-crÃ¨me of my album. It embodies about 20 or 25 musical ideas into one song.
Meanwhile Iâ€™ll be mixing the others down. Now that Normaâ€™s gone I can get some concentrated work done.
Itâ€™s funny… there is an alchemy to songs… that quality they take on which is greater than the sum of the parts.
I worked down at my Dadâ€™s today. He really brings me down.
Also, Iâ€™ve got to keep Mikeâ€™s guitar long enough to record â€˜Everythingâ€™s O.K.â€™
God, am I excited about my music! I am so happy to be alive at this Moment.
Notes on girls:
Lynn: Iâ€™ve got to send her a letter soon… and a tape when I can. Iâ€™m thinking positive about her coming out here to see me, yet it seems so unreal. If sheâ€™s even Â½ as pretty as I remember Iâ€™ll be so happy.
ToniÃ§a: Iâ€™ll call her Tuesday morning from work. I really miss that little shit. I still love that little vixen! I hope she still loves me. I hope we get together.
Connie: I should write her for the hell of it.
MoÃ±o: Iâ€™ve got to regain contact. I want that package back.
Mystery Woman (Norma): I love her like a friend, but this is starting to remind me of Denise. It is nice to poke, but Iâ€™m not getting in enough of my studio time.
Mystery Woman II: Some barmaid at Pierce St. Annex stole away my heart last night, the witch!! She reminds me of Pam Campagna in that she could steal away more hearts in a single night than most girls inspire in a lifetime.
Body: fair. Hair: blonde. Eyes: blue. She said she had a boyfriend, but I might go back and bring her a tape and see if I can woo her.
Women in General:
My best achievements always start with a Declaration in my Diary. So without further ado I bid here that:
I WILL START MAKING LOVE
WITH A BEAUTIFUL GIRL SOON.
I WILL WOO A
February 11th, 1981
Norma called me tonight from Boston (actually, a suburb of Boston).
Iâ€™ve been mixing all evening and probably will mix tomorrow.
February 12th, 1981
I am getting frustrated!! *#&!!
I spent the whole evening re-doing what I did last night.
Iâ€™m so worried that I wonâ€™t be accepted musically.
Well, Iâ€™ve got those first six recorded to the best of my ability thatâ€™s all I can require of myself. Iâ€™m getting anxious to send them out. I think that I need drums – and other people. Working totally by myself is getting too limiting and I seriously wonder if Iâ€™m good enough. I donâ€™t want music to only be my hobby, but thatâ€™s all it will be if I donâ€™t get accepted.
I canâ€™t concentrate on schoolwork and Iâ€™m tired. I get up early every day â€“ around 7:30 am or 8 and I go all day. By the time I get home Iâ€™m tired and then I record til late. I know I should be exercising but I think Iâ€™m gonna go pop my recorder in my car and go park up the hill and listen to my first 6.
Maybe I need Hock!
Maybe I donâ€™t.
P.S. Iâ€™ve been thinking of Lynn all day.
Artists turn to drugs and liquor, means of escape, because they suffer constantly the pains of giving birth to their creations.
February 15th, 1981
Last night Clymer and I got really stoned. He asked to listen to my â€œunfinishedâ€ tape.
Iâ€™m so fucking pent-up, wondering if Iâ€™m any good at all (or am I just kidding myself), that I gave it to him to listen to for his opinion â€“ and I made him promise to be BRUTALLY HONEST.
Iâ€™m now listening to the tape lying in bed. I listened to it once before sleeping and now Iâ€™ve listened to it 3 times since I awoke. Each time I get a different impression and they vary on the same song from boring â€“ to exciting â€“ to disgusting â€“ to genius. So donâ€™t ask me where the truth lies. Clymer has got to be brutally honest with me.
Thereâ€™s a good possibility that because, in the process of recording, Iâ€™ve listened to each song at least 50 times that Iâ€™m just plain bored with the material, not because itâ€™s boring but because even too much of a good thing can be bad. So now Iâ€™ve placed my tape with Clymer. Since heâ€™s never heard the songs he wonâ€™t have that problem evaluating it.
Iâ€™m very pent-up with anxiety about my talents or the lack there-of. It used to be that Iâ€™d be so anxious to record that I never worried seriously about how good I was. But now that Iâ€™ve had my golden opportunity itâ€™s time to find out the truth. Iâ€™m very worried that Clymer will hate my tape that heâ€™ll feebly try to spare my feelings. But you never know, itâ€™s possible that heâ€™ll love it.
The songs I sent out are:
Come on Over
Sweet Lady of Mystery
Little Child of Love
With Your Fire
Let me see if I can predict the outcome:
1st: his ratings in order
1) With You Fire
2) Little Child of Love
3) Number Seven
4) Dance Heaven
5) Sweet Lady of Mystery
6) The Center
Come on Over
Heâ€™ll probably like 3 songs and (brutally honest) dislike 3 â€“ and say 2 are O.K.
Heâ€™ll probably like:
With Your Fire
Say are O.K.:
Little Child of Love
Sweet Lady of Mystery
Come On Over
I realize this does not correspond to my other list. Heâ€™ll probably urge me to send out:
1) With Your Fire (For sure)
2) Dance Heaven (maybe)
3) Number Seven
I really donâ€™t know. I really, really have no idea what his reaction will be. At any rate Iâ€™ll feel relieved when Iâ€™ve gotten tapes sent out â€“ if they pass this audition.
I guess I should just take the attitude that whatever happens, happens.
P.S. I guess if even 1 song is really good then thatâ€™s sufficient.
February 16th, 1981
I went down to Hockâ€™s last night with a tape. Before I went I mixed down â€˜Getting Put Up For the Nightâ€™ and â€˜Must Be Love.â€™
My album is:
A. 1. Come on Over (Stone 2:32)
2. Dance Heaven (Stone 2:35)
3. Sweet Lady of Mystery (Stone 2:12)
4. Flowers (Stone 2:53)
5. Little Child Of Love (Stone 2:33)
6. With Your Fire (Stone 2:55)
B. 1. Number Seven (Stone 2:50)
2. The Center (Stone 2:58)
3. Stage Fright (Stone 2:16)
4. Getting Put Up For The Night (S/Hockridge 2:33)
5. Must Be Love (Stone 2:42)
Â©1981 Northwestern Recording Group
Tom said he really liked my tape â€“ but I can never tell when heâ€™s being sincere or not â€“ and Iâ€™m not sure if I should tell him.
He played his tape â€“ it was real hard rock with virtually no variety â€“ Tomâ€™s voice sounded quite good â€“ and Lathan and Connell, brothers on guitar, were excellent.
Tom and I drank a lot of wine and smoked a lot of pot â€“ I smoked a lot of pot. I was toking up all during my tape by myself because I was nervous. I was sitting with my back towards Hockridge.
Afterwards we talked and decided to merge our talents.
Heâ€™s got raw energy, guitarists and lyrics and musical ideas and a good voice.
Iâ€™ve got a studio, musical ideas, a voice and instrumentation and versatility.
Well, I donâ€™t know how itâ€™s going to go. Iâ€™ll call him in a week and see whatâ€™s cooking. Hock is also a good leader.
Clymer has my tape. I traded him today. He suggested that we get together tonight to:
1) Critique my album
2) Critique his painting and to smoke pot.
I think Iâ€™m just going to alter my plans slightly and just go with these 11 songs.
Meanwhile Iâ€™ll still be recording and Iâ€™ll put songs up for review every time I complete 2 or 3.
But putting another song on this tape is almost academic.
I will listen to what Jeff has to say and then let Norma listen to it and combine our 3 opinions and begin sending out whatâ€™s applicable.
I ran down to Blancheâ€™s yesterday and I ran to Clymerâ€™s and back today, both times I ran so hard that at the end I gagged like I was gonna throw up, but I never did because I donâ€™t believe I ate anything yesterday unless Hock fixed us some burgers before I plopped on the guest bed in his room.
Besides that, I can hardly believe I didnâ€™t eat anything. And I didnâ€™t eat today yet. I think we eat a lot as a social thing.
February 17th, 1981
Itâ€™s surprising how much Iâ€™ve been able to do since Norma left. Iâ€™ve got a lot more time to do things I wouldnâ€™t get to do if she were here.
I do miss the sex. But my body, I finally realize, itâ€™s getting fat and I hate fat. Iâ€™ve got to exercise and now that sheâ€™s gone I also have more time to exercise. My body feels just terrible.
I called ToniÃ§a today. She sounded excited to hear from me. Lord, is she cute. I felt really depressed right afterward because I missed her so much.
Clymer reviewed my tape with me last night. He suggested.
1) Songs are too short (I explained that demos are usually short.)
2) Vocals are too much in the background.
3) I should do more with my vocals.
4) I should change up the songs more.
At first he said that I should not send out any of them and then he said that I could send out â€˜Must Be Loveâ€™ and â€˜Sweet Lady of Mystery.â€™
He said he liked all of the songs and that every one of them could be made into a hit. He urged me to re-work them, not to do new songs, but to re-work the ones I got. He said he was excited about my tape.
Today he kept saying, â€œBob of you!â€ I felt like he was trying to make me fell good or something.
But his comments were excellent. Heâ€™s right, Iâ€˜ve got to become more exciting.
He said he loved â€˜Sweet Lady of Mysteryâ€™ and â€˜Must Be Loveâ€™ and said they were good enough to be put on the radio as is (but add a lead guitar to â€˜Must Be Love.â€™)
I went home immediately and began on a wild version of â€˜Come On Over.â€™
When Norma gets back Iâ€™ll get her opinion of the songs and then Iâ€™ll decide what to do. Meanwhile Iâ€™ll keep experimenting.
It was really great to get an interested opinion after all these months.
Well, the only other things I want to say is how ineffective I feel with women right now and I wish I could get effective and find a cute girlfriend.
Iâ€™ll be sending at least one tape out to somebody within 2 weeks.
February 19th, 1981
Itâ€™s real late, but I want to jot this down as itâ€™s happened.
I was feeling funny for about a week ending about 2 days ago.
Tonight I went over to move Normaâ€™s car and I was going to sleep over there. I went up to her apartment and I noticed that the bed had been slept in, because I remember that last time I was there, the covers we pulled up and now they were all over. Someone had been at Normaâ€™s! So I went into the kitchen and there were 3 empty beers on her table â€“ Molsen Canadianâ€™s.
I looked in the icebox and there were 3 more in a 6-pac box. Now, I know there werenâ€™t any beer bottles last time I was around. I went to the bed and there was one of the beer wrappers, which had been torn off and crumpled up on the â€˜night standâ€™ next to the bed. There were a lot of pubic hairâ€™s on the bed â€“ short brown and blond â€“ but for all I know they were Normaâ€™s and mine.
I checked all the windows and the back door and none of them had been tampered with so apparently someone had to have a key besides me, Norma and the landlord. (I doubt if the landlord would come in and leave the place like that and I think that Norma is really probably back east â€“ at least she wouldnâ€™t leave a mess like that for me to find. I may call her office tomorrow just in case.) So it must have been Dale, or Stan, or someone? Weird. I couldnâ€™t sleep there so I was going to leave when it occurred to me to check to see if Normaâ€™s diaphragm was in the drawer. I mostly was thinking that maybe if she had been deceiving me with a â€œtripâ€ that perhaps she had come back for it- maybe she was actually staying at Daleâ€™s.
Well, I looked in the drawer and I couldnâ€™t find the blue case. I did find a white case with a diaphragm in it but it was of different construction than the one she normally uses. (Itâ€™s perimeter had a steel spiral in it that looked to be kinked whereas the usual one is just rubber around the perimeter. The steel on looked like it may have had to be replaced by the other one because it kinked when it bent.)
I looked all around and I couldnâ€™t find it. She obviously took it with her in anticipation of doing it with somebody. I donâ€™t know what to do now. I was really pissed at first. Iâ€™m mostly pissed because she told me she definitely wouldnâ€™t and wasnâ€™t planning on it and that was (now) obviously a lie.
Iâ€™m open-minded and everything but itâ€™s fucked that she lied to me. We may have to split up on Sunday. I have a strong feeling of intuition that she got fucked back East. (Sometimes I think I just â€œknowâ€ about things.) Should I just tell her to get â€œfuckedâ€ when she gets back? Iâ€™ll just wait and see. Maybe she doesnâ€™t want me anymore anyway. It wouldnâ€™t be so bad if I had gotten laid while sheâ€™s been gone.
I snooped through her pictures and found some of Dale nude in Yosemite on a trail. Boy is he ugly. (Dale is Normaâ€™s old boyfriend.)
More to tell but time to go to bed.
February 25th, 1981
Since my last entry the transmission in my car has busted and also my axle busted in two; on top of that I may have trouble graduating because the Ordinary Differential Equations class I took at CSM, 7 years ago was a lower division class and I need an upper O.D.E.. Anyway, my previous advisor had misadvised me and it really wasnâ€™t my fault, and I showed my new advisor a note from my previous one, saying it was O.K., so they may let me through.
Now Iâ€™m gonna head out to school and then to Normaâ€™s. I set up my tape deck at her place last night and she listened to my tape. I just talked to her on the phone. She said I had a â€œgreat voice… very memorable.â€ She said she wrote down her comments and wonâ€™t say anything til after I read them. Iâ€™m excited to at least get her opinion. Next entry should be interesting.
P.S. I wrote a letter to MoÃ±o today.
March 1st, 1981
I had a vivid dream about Lynn. I remember touching her ass.
There are things to do with the recordings. Yesterday I sent off â€˜Must Be Love,â€™ â€˜Number Seven,â€™ â€˜With Your Fireâ€™ and â€˜Come On Overâ€™ â€“ to the copyright office.
1) This week Iâ€™ve got to get the others off.
2) Iâ€™ve got to decide on correct mixes.
3) Iâ€™ve got to make about 10 copies of my album (Jeff C., Norma P., Lynn Y., ToniÃ§a E., Gary C., MoÃ±o G., and 4 just to have around.)
4) Iâ€™ve got to write those record companies. I should write before I send tapes.
5) I should begin preparing the demos Iâ€™m going to send and package each one and get them all ready for mailing.
6) I should continue recording â€˜Everythingâ€™s O.K.â€™
7) This is tough because I donâ€™t know if I should alter the contents of the songs. I think Iâ€™ll leave them as is.
As far as school Iâ€™ve got to remember to send a letter of intent to the Brad Business School. Once that is done all I should have to do is finish out the school year and everything will be in order as far as that goes.
March 3rd, 1981
Things going well! I am a mixing machine!!
Iâ€™m almost done with this weekâ€™s mixing.
Tomorrow Iâ€™ll send out my last copyright tape for my 1st album. At a later date, I may send out â€˜Getting Put Up For the Nightâ€™ separately because the tape I sent out in 1979 wasnâ€™t too clear. But, (virtually) the album will be protected by law.
Now Iâ€™m gonna turn my tape deck over to Norma to listen to these songs. I remixed Demonstration Cassette Master No. 2 entirely. I brought out the vocals more â€“ both Jeff and Norma said the vocals were too much in the background. So Iâ€™ll let Norma compare the two tapes.
Iâ€™m happy with the way things are going. Iâ€™m getting much more competent.
Now Iâ€™ll have time to finish recording â€˜Everythingâ€™s O.K.â€™
And in about a week, when Norma has helped me, decide on a correct mix Iâ€™ll begin preparing tapes for the record companies.
I suppose everything, is going on schedule (Iâ€™m only about 5 years behind!!)
P.S. Hey, you know, I was thinking back to how Lee Pittman (our old manager) used to say â€œLove you guys.â€ That was pretty weird? No?!
P.P.S. Iâ€™ll be going to Normaâ€™s in a bit. Weâ€™ve been having a great time together.
March 8th, 1981
By tonight Norma will have rated my songs and told me what she recommends in the way of the volume of the vocals, then I will remix them, get her O.K., (eventually) let Clymer have a listen; and, if he says itâ€™s O.K. then I am going to make 10 copies of the following tape for gifts:
1) Must Be Love
2) Number Seven
3) Getting Put Up
4) With Your Fire
5) Come On Over
6) Dance Heaven
7) The Center
Sweet Lady of Mystery
9) Little Child of Love
These copies will go to:
5) Gary Cappa
6) (Mike Shea)
7) (Mike Taylor)
Iâ€™ll have a few left over for later. Then I will begin mailing out to record companies.
Last Friday, there was a talk given by John Ford (who has written a few hit songs which I donâ€™t like). The main thing that I learned from this talk was that I think I am on the right track as far as distributing my works.
Norma has been treating me excellently.
I played cards last night but I donâ€™t think I am going to play anymore. By the way, I lost!!
I am real bored.
Oh!!! I got a postcard from Lynn from Mexico. How exciting!! God, I hope she comes this summer. There are some good signs. If she comes, then that will be exciting.
Itâ€™s Sunday morning. Today I think I will.
1) Go running
2) Weight lift
4) Eat dinner
5) Go to Normaâ€™s
Itâ€™s already almost noon. My car is in the shop. I should be able to get it a week from Wednesday.
Friday the 13th!!
The final results are in form Clymer and Norma. I took their separate judgments and put them together to get the following:
Must Be Love 22
No. 7 18
With Your Fire 18 â€“-
Sweet Lady of Mystery 16 +
Come On Over 11
Getting Put Up 10
Dance Heaven 8
The Center 8 â†’
Little Child of Love 7 â†’
Flowers 6 â†’
Stage Fright 4 â†’
By consensus; â€˜Stage Fright,â€™ â€˜Flowers,â€™ â€˜Little Child of Loveâ€™ and â€˜the Centerâ€™ will be sent to nobody.
I will then make the following choices.
Demo A1 (for record companies)
1. Must Be Love
2. No.7 (12)
3. With Your Fire
1. No. 7
2. Must Be Love (5)
3. With Your Fire
1. Must Be Love
2. With Your Fire (5)
3. No. 7
( ) Means # to record companies on 1st mailing.
Alternates not in order are:
- Dance Heaven
- Sweet Lady of Mystery
- Getting Put Up
- Come on Over
My: Demo B [10 copies to Friends and to record companyâ€™s with five songs]
1. Must Be Love
2. No. 7
3. With Your Fire
4. Come On Over
5. Sweet Lady of Mystery
My: Demo C1 (for self until I get a response)
1. Dance Heaven.
1. Getting Put Up For the Night
P.S. I sent out a letter to Lynn. I got my money today.
March 15th, 1981
Today I purchased an Otari MX-5050 Â½ track from $1200.00 from Randy.
March 18th, 1981
Tom called Sunday morning, but I was at Normaâ€™s so I called him back in the evening. He came to SF and we smoked a few Jâ€™s and drank a beer and listened to his tape of him, Lathan and Danny the drummer. It sounds pretty raw but L and D have a lot of talent. Hock? Yeah, heâ€™s too raw and too much of the same rock and I suppose Iâ€™m too much of the same melodic type stuff.
We agreed Iâ€™d come down to jam with those guys and he left his tape.
It was good to see him.
Today: my car finally got fixed completely. Now it is fun to drive.
I put a bass line and maracas to â€˜With Your Fireâ€™ tonight.
Norma is scheduled to come over Friday night to mix down.
Must Be love
With Your Fire.
March 20th, 1981
Norma bought coke today and we are now mixing down my songs â€“itâ€™s 2:15 a.m. the 21st. We have done about 1/3rd gram so far. Itâ€™s great – unadulterated coke.
Norma already mixed down â€˜With Your Fireâ€™ â€“ a marked improvement!! Sheâ€™s actually quite good at it!!!
Well, Tom called me and heâ€™s got a jam set-up for Sunday. I told him Iâ€™d show. Heâ€™s already talking about making Millions, heâ€™s too much!!!! Heâ€™s saying how â€œIâ€™d be a great scoreâ€ for his band. Well, if it will make him happy, Iâ€™ll try. Iâ€™m getting off these days giving. I enjoy giving of myself for others. It feels good!
March 23rd, 1981
Time to write. I got to get some of these things off my chest and Iâ€™ll just hope that nobody ever reads this diary. Norma and I are mixing my tapes right now.
Friday we mixed â€˜With Your Fire.â€™ Saturday we mixed â€˜Number Seven.â€™ Sunday we mixed â€˜Must Be Love.â€™ Tonight we mixed â€˜Sweet Lady of Mysteryâ€™ and weâ€™re trying to finish 2 others â€“ â€˜Dance Heavenâ€™ and â€˜Come on Over.â€™ Sheâ€™s working on â€˜Dance Heavenâ€™ right now. Sheâ€™s a better engineer than I am, thatâ€™s for sure. I like working with her. Sheâ€™s been very willing to help me too. Sheâ€™s really a good friend in addition to being a good lover. (Norma, stop at this point if youâ€™re reading this.)
Yesterday I jammed with Hockridge and his friends. It was really my fault that things didnâ€™t work out because I never practiced the tunes and I showed up late and left after a half hour to make a rendezvous, with Gary. I told them Iâ€™d be back in 20 minutes and I showed up almost an hour later. They had already started packing up. But I have the best of intentions. It was just one of those things. While I was out they decided against me as a possible bass player. It was a real bummer. But then, it was typical of Hock â€“ hasty decisions. I think it would have had possibilities â€“ oh well.
I am going to admit something here that I shouldnâ€™t. I hope no family or law enforcement officials read this, but here goes:
I sent a letter to Lynn today. I simply told her how I want to see her very badly and letting her know how welcome she is here. I hope that she comes with all my heart. Iâ€™ll be mailing her a tape in a few days. I really love her.
April 11th, 1981
Iâ€™m at home in my own bed about to go to sleep. Hello, diary, I havenâ€™t written in you for a while.
Since my last entry I have sent out tapes to 16 record companies, and I am now hoping for a positive response. I gave tapes to my brother Mike, my friends Jeff, Gary and Tom and girlfriends Lynn, ToniÃ§a and Norma.
Mike Shea received his tape today and called me to tell me he was very impressed. Cappa, Tim, Kevin, Garyâ€™s sister-in-law apparently all liked it. I am really turned on because all this news has come in today and all of it has been favorable. It really makes me feel good and want to try harder! Iâ€™ve finished recording â€˜Itâ€™s O.K.â€™ and tonight I started recording â€˜Power of Our Loveâ€™ â€“ although I may change the lyrics entirely. Iâ€™m running it together with â€˜Itâ€™s O.K.â€™ Norma said that she played the tape for her brother and that he said if I â€œneed any help…â€ that he played the bass, or some such thing. I am really psyched!! I am trying to temper my mood so that I wonâ€™t be too disappointed if all the record companies are too busy to use me or my stuff.
I got a letter from the SF State Graduate School of Business saying that I have been accepted. I sent back the reply request saying that I intended to enroll. Thatâ€™s a good piece of news. So, on the academic front things seem to be under control.
Last week I was a cocaine junkie! I have to admit that I love the stuff. I donâ€™t do much â€“ just about 2 spoonfuls (those little coke spoons) a day â€“ it just sort of perks me up.
I came home tonight to sleep so that tomorrow I can get up and start recording in the morning. This coming week I am off for Easter Vacation, and I mean to get some songs finished. I know I can make tapes to sound much better than what I have already come up with.
Things are going so well I almost wonder when they are going to blow up – ICS-NAY-EXS-SPPRAY- a little chant to word off the bad omens.
My game plan is to continue on in this same mode until further notice. I want to keep making tapes â€“ perhaps come out with another 6 songs and then think about finding a drummer. Clymer tells me he might be able to get me a piano. I want to get a synthesizer. Perhaps a good one will enable me to do strings and such.
Iâ€™ll try to make it through this semester at school. I am hoping for a reply from Lynn. If she comes out here it will surely upset Norma and Mineâ€™s applecart, but it will be well worth it and I really, really hope that Lynn comes to love me!!
Iâ€™m not sick of Norma, but I want to fuck someone else, even if itâ€™s only on the side. Iâ€™ve said all this before.
Well, Iâ€™m caught up to date. Everythingâ€™s flowing smoothly but Iâ€™m afraid that somethingâ€™s gonna go wrong. Philosophically I feel trapped. Iâ€™m letting this happen for my music to flower â€“ I have to stay put and keep my studio if I want to succeed â€“ but I feel a little caged.
I saw Fred Nelson â€“ he seems O.K. It was great to see him. Hockridge is, by popular vote, a fucking mess.
To have sent parts of my 1st 6 songs to 30 different companies or agencies by May 30th, 1981.
April 16th, 1981
I havenâ€™t been writing too much. Iâ€™m re-sending out 2 of the 4 tapes that Iâ€™ve gotten back from the record companies, and Iâ€™m giving one to Kevin Hickey and one to Stan, Normaâ€™s friend.
Everythingâ€™s absolutely fantastic, things are going well. I sent the 2 tapes out to Managers instead of Record Companies because I want some opinions. I sent each of them a hand-written letter hoping they will at least listen all the way through. Iâ€™ve got to get better tapes together. I think maybe in 6 months or so, after Iâ€™ve finished a 12-song album (1/2 of it being done) I should corroborate with other musicians. I am trying, but I can see I am just going through a rejection period. But I am happy. Iâ€™ve got a home, a girlfriend, a few good friends, a studio in which I can create (which is the most important thing) and my youth, a beautiful dinner every night, and easy, good paying job, a father, a mother, a car and a good education.
Iâ€™m going to keep trying rather, start trying to sell myself and my music. Even if my friends, or no one, has faith in me, I have faith in myself.
I think it will be great when I get a tape player for my car so that I can re-listen to my material more.
I hope Lynn visits. I got to do something â€“ I donâ€™t like getting my tapes sent back.
April 18th (Easter), 1981
I woke up on Good Friday after a real weird dream. There were all these girls in my dream and then right towards the end entered John Lennon and he was singing and passing out leaflets. It was like he was an evangelist or something. The leaflets were quite beautiful. A phrase in it would begin with English words and then at the end of the phrase instead of words were small shapes of moons and stars and things. The whole thing was done in different colors and it looked glazed over or shiny like metallic.
Hello, diary. This has been a most interesting weekend. It began on Wednesday, actually, when Gary came by with Â½ gram of coke. I was up on that and Norma gave me some pot to calm me down â€“ to stop me from talking – that, I believe, was Thursday night. Then we went to rent wetsuits. In the afternoon we went out to the marina and donned our wetsuits and swam around in close to shore. The wetsuit I had was tight, but very warm for being in such cold water. We got back just in time to sell the car – the old Plymouth Satellite that Tim used to have. The guy put a deposit down on it Thursday and had come to pick it up.
Friday night I went out with Taylor and Rob Pisano to the Abbey Tavern. Taylor said he liked my tape. I met a real cute girl named Theresa. I got her phone number. I kissed her once. Everything seemed to go real well. Sheâ€™s Oriental. Thatâ€™s the first girl I kissed besides Norma since Julie Sekino, another Oriental. Well, after the bar I went to Normaâ€™s. I had drunken 4 large â€” (By the way, I deliberately put 2 drops of Jovan Musk-Oil on just to see if the Magic that it does for me would work again. Itâ€™s unbelievable â€“ it seems that when I wear it, I attract women!!) – glasses full of Guinness, but it didnâ€™t deter me from fucking the lights out of Norma. It was great for both of us. I got to sleep about 3 am Saturday morning and woke about 6:30am.
Clymer and I headed down to Half Moon Bay and got stoned. We went diving but the waves were pretty rough. We came back about 12:30 pm and then I went to my Dadâ€™s and helped him take-off a job until about 6:30 pm and then I came home and ate, took a bath, and slept about 3 hours and then I woke up and since then Iâ€™ve been doing coke and getting chores done. Iâ€™ve gotten a lot done. Now itâ€™s after 5 am and almost dawn. Itâ€™s Easter Sunday!
Iâ€™ve been getting a lot of tapes back and Iâ€™m trying to think what I can do to improve my chances of getting a record companyâ€™s attention. Whilst I was in the bath I had the lights out and I was thinking about this. I suggested to myself to go by the name of J.J. Love and try to get some people to back me up on a new tape; I had this idea to wear a Superman like outfit only w/o the cape and more like the disguise of a wrestling outfit w/o arms- like an overall top â€“ but a leotard-like material â€“ and a red insignia in the middle â€“ maybe with 2 Jâ€™s in it on white,
The reason Iâ€™m thinking of the costume is for pictures. From now on when I send out material Iâ€™m going to include photos and a bio, etc, at least when I mail to record companies â€“ and maybe not right now â€“ but when I get it together â€“ which I hope is soon.
Iâ€™m thinking I might try to do â€˜Love Danceâ€™ â€“ and do it with a drummer with a heavy disco beat.
- I like staying there with Gam. She is so wonderful to me. I really love her.
- No news from Lynn or ToniÃ§a (or Connie or MoÃ±o).
- Start back to school tomorrow. Fairly good on homework. I think Iâ€™ll pass.
- I think I might take a class during the summer to get a head start on my masterâ€™s degree.
- Car O.K. â€“ sometimes fucks up.
Well, Iâ€™ll be seeing ya. I may go to bed – maybe I wonâ€™t though.
April 26th (San Francisco), 1981
Yesterday I went to look at the delay machine that Randy has for sale. It checked out fine and I feel I should and will buy it (borrow money form Norma). It will be my last hope to make my vocals sound like I want them to sound.
It seems like weeks since Iâ€™ve recorded and it may be weeks before I am ready to really get into it again. I have been working too hard to keep up the pace and I hope to slow down a little, enjoy my life more, and put my energy into things that matter to me (and not waste time doing unimportant things that lead nowhere.)
I doubt if I am going to be able to get the Scully 8-track. Now, that isnâ€™t a very positive attitude, but I canâ€™t see anyway to get it easily.
The main point I have against its purchase is that he wants $6000 for it instead of the $5000 I thought he was going to let it go for. At $5K it is a great deal and, I feel, at $6K it is only an average deal. To make the deal, even at $5K, Iâ€™ll have to scrape together an extra $1200, and at 6K it is an extravagant $2200. I am already going to be â€œintoâ€ Norma for $880 when I get the delay. So, it doesnâ€™t appear possible to get it. I want it more than I need it; and, perhaps, if the deal was to take place 6 or 7 months from now, it would make more sense. With the delay I will all but have completed a basic studio. There is however, one vital piece of equipment I would like to get… a limiter/compressor.
It will only cost me about $300 and it should have a nice effect on my finished tapes. It will solve my biggest problem.
Constantly during all my songs there are bursts of sound level, which are offensive to the ear. A compressor will reduce the gain where needed to assure a constant level on a track throughout the song. It is supposed to be used when recording each track (except, perhaps, when recording drums.) Anyway, the next step after the delay and compressor will be to find a drummer with access to a Â½ inch 8-track machine.
I was just thinking: I could probably sell my Â½-track to use towards the Scully. A thought… maybe Iâ€™ll offer him $5400 hoping heâ€™ll go for $5550.00. Then I can sell my 8 track – $3800, and my Â½ track $1400 = $5200 a very good idea indeed! But perhaps I ought to hold on to the things I have worked so hard to get!!!
Sooner or later I am going to get back to recording, and go great guns. But I am in a stage for a while, in which I am apprehensive to begin another project unless I can be confident of much superior results as my last project.
I have also been considering getting the Sound Workshop board, which would round out my system. Perhaps, if I were limited to one or the other, the Sound Workshop would produce better results for me. An OTARI 8D and SWS1280 is a better, more compatible combination then the SCULLY and TEAC. Even though emotionally I would prefer the status and glory of having a Scully, I may be closer to a record contract with the Sound Workshop, and a record contract is what this is all about, no?
School is ending soon. I am tempted to take some free time this summer. I want a chance to relax and enjoy this situation that wonâ€™t last forever.
Iâ€™m afraid Lynnâ€™s silence means she was shocked at how unexciting my tape was and that she wonâ€™t come out. I want her to come here. Iâ€™m also afraid ToniÃ§a has forgotten me.
I certainly donâ€™t feel too great musically. I feel uninspired, but I plan to get inspired soon. I think I should find people with whom to collaborate.
Iâ€™ll be graduating in 4 or 5 short weeks (hopefully). Thatâ€™s kind of nice actually. I owe a lot of it to my Grandma. Sheâ€™s an angel to me.
April 28th (San Francisco), 1981
Iâ€™m wasting away
Iâ€™ve got to play
Got to find some players
And make my way.
Iâ€™m wasting time
Got to look ahead
Begin the things that never were
And put this thing to bed.
April 29th, 1981
I made a date tonight with Teresa for Saturday at 8:30 pm. I hope I can make love to her within the month (or week!!) God, I want to do it to her!! Iâ€™m trying to be smooth (for a change).
April 30th, 1981
Lots of studying. Letter to MoÃ±o. Can finish Masters 5/82! Wonder where the tape is from EMI/United Artists.
May 1st, 1981
3 weeks left of school. Got the delay today. It sounds so good I got new hope. Vocals become versatile, powerful, easy. Norma lent me $595. Now owe her $855. Studio complete.
Motto: â€œDonâ€™t piss your time away, Jeff.â€
Took test today. ATS: $35K month of April. Tomorrow night: date with Theresa. Feel a bit guilty but want to fuck her anyway. Lynn? ToniÃ§a?? Need more ($8890 more) insurance for equip. (Total: $18K)
May 3rd, 1981
Coked all day â€“ wish I could do it all day every day. Hooked? No need to worry â€“ almost out. Finished make-up paper for meeting tonight. Delay machine great. I hope nothing prevents me from graduating. Got to do 2 papers in the next week. Then it is coasting downhill. (Coasting uphill? Is there a need to qualify direction?)
Pam and Norma are the 2 nicest women I ever met. Norma got her refrigerator today â€“ cause for celebration.
Iâ€™ll get back to my music great guns when the schoolwork subsides. Everything is O.K. and on course. I hope it continues this way.
I love SF.
May go to summer school. Still deciding on tape equipment and if I should go for it.
It is going to be glorious to graduate.
Iâ€™ll bet the tape I sent to EMI is lost. No word yet.
One thing is an immediate goal: get a tape deck (cassette) for my car so I can review material while I drive. I must spend 20 hours a week just driving â€“ that would give me a lot of time to review my material.
May 6th, 1981
School is going great. Hope nothing interferes with my graduation. Dad is an assholeâ€™s asshole. I canâ€™t believe the change heâ€™s suffered for the worse. On my way home today from work, about 7:40 pm, I saw the two old guys with the leather jackets walking across the street, kiddy corner from a gay bar that I have to pass on my way home. I thought to myself, â€œNow, look at those two old queers!â€ And then I noticed it was my Uncle Donny and his friend. Iâ€™ve always suspected but now I know. It was so obvious, they were walking towards that bar, and those jackets, the hair â€“ they were the epitome of the older gays that walk the streets. It was kind of a shock.
The delay machine is out of sight! I suggest a revamping for my next recordings.
1. Take AKG in for repairs
2. Take OTARI 8 track in for repairs
3. Take Sony cassette in for repairs
4. Buy a compressor
5. Find a percussionist
6. Arrange new songs
7. Get more insurance
Other possibilities are:
Sell Axes â€“ theyâ€™re kinda shitty
Sell off equipment thatâ€™s not cost effective:
Example â€“ sell amplifier and buy a good acoustic guitar.
Possibilities to go:
Ibanez guitar $200
Sony cassette $350
Otari Â½ track $1300
Possibilities to buy:
Cassette for car
Quality power amp
A phone downstairs
Other things Iâ€™m considering:
Get photos of myself
Bio, etc, -in short, a promotion package.
Supposedly, I have won a prize â€“ at work. The scene, Betty, told me to take the phone and act like the owner â€“ she didnâ€™t know who it was â€“ the girl on the line said I won anyone of about 6 prizes, all worth over $500, but all I must do is buy $180 (wholesale price) of their pens- paper mate flairs. Anyway, in two weeks Iâ€™m supposed to hear from them. Itâ€™s all supposed to be part of a promotional campaign.
I signed up for summer school today. Iâ€™m taking World Business 815 and Marketing 860.
P.S. â€“ Monday I got in an accident. Iâ€™m supposed to get insurance money for it on Friday â€“ maybe.
May 11th, 1981
Since last week Iâ€™ve been writing a new song: â€˜Steppinâ€™ Out!â€™
P.S. For the last 3 weeks Iâ€™ve been swamped with homework.
P.P.S. Oriental girls are weird.
P.P.P.S. I hate Hock. (Not really, but I sure am disgusted.)
P.P.P.P.S Didnâ€™t sleep at all last night. Term paper on coke.
May 17th, 1981
Itâ€™s the music that is the key to my mind and heart. I feel enlightened, burning, all knowing â€“ all wondering. The soul of me is a strange one indeed. The rest of my life to explore the mystery of me.
June 4th, 1981
I am inspired tonight because I got a tape back with a letter saying they thought my tape was excellent.
But even before that I had made a decision today. I decide on something Iâ€™ve been very confused about for a long time. Iâ€™ve been wondering what life is all about, etc, what is the purpose for life… I have decided â€“ that life is to have fun.
The purpose of my life is to…
I feel better already. More of this later. But the point is this. It stuck me why Fred left the Hopeless Romantics… we had been so committed to having fun and the night he left we had been saying, Tom and I, that we were going to keep on trying for music, â€œEven under 10 million tons of grease.â€ Strange way of putting it, but anyway, Fred was justified in leaving. We had lost our spark for some reason.
Everything seems so clear now. The only reason for us being here is to exploit the excitement, pleasure and adventure that God placed her for us.
Everythingâ€™s opening up before my eyes… my old spark has been re-lit. It is as if I have been in a cloud since the night Fred left and shattered my dream.
I have lost the edge, but now I feel I have it back again. Life makes sense to me when I view it in that perspective. It makes everything fall into perspective and FUN is a good criterion for me by which to judge potential activities and actions.
Anyway, got to run but Iâ€™ll write more later. I wonâ€™t forget.
J.J. HAVE FUN.
Plan for 5 years: June 1981 – May 1987
5/82 Finish MBA – May 1982
(Borrow $500 in Sept.)
7/82 Fly to Europe: July 15, 1982
1/84 Once back set-up part time job
5/87 Then start working with musicians until May 1987
Motto: Have fun.
June 7th, 1981
Ever since I graduated I feel so free. Being a graduate student has its benefits, such as acceptance and respect. Though Iâ€™m not totally into this summer school class I am taking, it is rather different and more interesting than the undergraduate classes I have been taking.
Iâ€™m asking myself: Where is my music? I am working constantly toward new and better tapes, yet the progress is slow and the responsibilities I have in other direction are too many. I never really sit down and work on my musicianship except when I am actually recording, my time is very limited. The rationale is that if I go one more year like this Iâ€™ll have my MBA and (no one can take that away from me) Iâ€™ll be through with school as a child forever.
The time has come to plan. I feel open to life again… for one thing, I am over ToniÃ§a, over the Hopeless Romantics and am independent again. I feel like Iâ€™ve been recuperating and re-evaluating my â€œfailuresâ€ (my past.) I want to be a success in music very badly. I intend upon keeping my studio and working with it for years to come.
I saw Mitu-san on Friday (6/6)! I saw her on Grant St. She sat in my car and I hugged her hello. We talked for about 12 minutes. She went to Central America for 5 months and then she came back here and got married! She said that they are planning to have a baby! It was real great to talk to her. She thanked me for being such a sweetheart when she told me she was leaving me and said, â€œI was afraid you would be mad at me, and maybe come by and bother me and… look at you!â€ waving her hands in a gesture to denote my smile as a sign of goodwill and friendship. â€œJeff, you are the nicest boy I ever met. Really, she said she would send me a good luck charm when she went back to Japan (July 21). It was such a happy meeting! When we parted we hugged and she kissed me on the lips. It was great to see her so well, friendly, happy and to find out that she had been telling the truth all along.
I got a letter back from a record company saying that my songs were excellent! (They said that they were not in a position to use them, though.) More about this later.
June 8th, 1981
Goals of music for Summer 1981:
1) Get working relationship going with a drummer(s)
2) Get… with a lead guitarist(s)
3) Have a turnover of songs flowing to Norma and Clymer for review of (if they should be developed.)
June 11th, 1981
I saw Fred Nelson tonight. I finally got the pictures from him of our trip â€“ what a great trip it was! I asked him if heâ€™d like to play a lead on one of my songs â€“ he said he would like to.
By the way, the other day Henya said she thought I was going to make it â€“ she said she thought my tape was a new record until Jeff told her it was me.
The 8-track returned form repairs tonight. The technician, Gary Cerman, plays the drums. I was very surprised. He would be a great asset to work with. I wonder if I could arrange something.
Norma and I are supposed to be going to Tahoe tomorrow night but I canâ€™t get her on the phone.
My car is dying out on me. Battery, water was low.
Things are pretty great.
June 15th, 1981
I just talked to Clymer and he tells me that my Dad laid him off today. Everything that could go wrong at work has gone wrong. Things look bad. Weâ€™ll probably be out of business at the end of the summer.
My Grandma is suffering in this hot spell weâ€™re having and it worries me.
Norma and I had a so-so weekend. Parts were real nice but we fought. I love her but its not so exciting and I really am starting to think that itâ€™s a drag. I think Iâ€™d be happier with another girlfriend but I donâ€™t feel Iâ€™m in a position to change girls right now… or does that just mean that Iâ€™m afraid to??
Iâ€™m gonna start recording the 3rd take of â€˜Stepping Outâ€™ sometime this week.
School is coming along. Iâ€™m gonna keep at both school and music.
June 21st, 1981
Found out yesterday that Norma is pregnant again, but it might work out O.K. cause we caught it early and her sister told her about a shot you can take to make your period come on. Weâ€™ll find out about it tomorrow.
Went rock-climbing today (2nd time). It was really fun. There was a guy there and he was so strong I couldnâ€™t believe it. I like climbing cause itâ€™s good for your physique and it feels good, the sun is out and itâ€™s being outdoors. Went with Dave Jaffe.
I stared recording â€˜Stepping Outâ€™ (Take 3) again yesterday Itâ€™s coming along nicely.
My Dadâ€™s business is floundering, but, if you ask me, heâ€™s a mess and heâ€™s incapable of running the business properly. Itâ€™s really too bad. (Todayâ€™s Fatherâ€™s Day.)
I have to stay up tonight and do a stupid report. Class is at 9am tomorrow. Iâ€™m gonna have fun and record the rest of the day.
P.S. Norma got a cat.
June 23rd, 1981
Iâ€™ve got to get my head together. I am depressed because I feel my dreams of being a musician are slipping away from me. I am considering visualizing again. I ran 5 miles today and I must say how much I love to exercise. I am gearing up now to do Royal Arches. I hope I can negotiate Norma into terminating her pregnancy. Things at work are going better. I really must sit down, (perhaps in this diary) and assess my future. There are a lot of years ahead of me and I want them to be rewarding. My attitude has got to be positively turned into my goals and Iâ€™ve got to figure out what my goals are exactly, specifically, right now.
June 25th, 1981
Iâ€™ve been looking at the Atlas – there are presently between 190 and 200 countries in the world, depending on how you count them. Of course, there are other territories and such to be explored.
June 28th, 1981
I went over to Clymerâ€™s today and Henya had some opium. Henya and I smoked her opium. I went in her room and hugged her. I kissed her on the lips like a friend and then I kissed her again a bit more forcefully but only like a peck on receptive lips. I said, â€œYou look really neat,â€ which she did. She was looking sexy.
I just discovered what Clymer was talking about â€“ he said that I keep the rhythm the same all through the song on the guitar and that I should change it. I came back here and I tried to figure out a new line. I discovered something that is very important which is this: that I have been compensating for drums with guitar and Iâ€™ll have to learn to allow â€œemptyâ€ rhythm tracks to change up the song, realizing that drums will be added later.
June 30th, 1981
Iâ€™m kinda down. My Dadâ€™s business is failing. Clymerâ€™s fired. Bettyâ€™s fired. All my tapes have been rejected. No girls except Norma want me. I listened to my tape and itâ€™s terrible. All my tapes are terrible. Itâ€™s really frightening that I spent so much time on them and I distributed them and they sound so bad. They sound stupid. I flipped on the radio and the songs on the radio have so much to them and they are pretty. Thereâ€™s something drastically wrong with my music. I hate to think that I canâ€™t change it. I got to do something. My tapes are so lifeless and monotone â€“ I know why Lynn never wrote â€“ my tapes were such a disappointment I am really depressed. I do think, however, that Stepping Out is a notch above my other songs. Iâ€™ll work on it a year if I have to, to make it right.
I vow to do something about the way I feel. I feel so impotent towards life, like some milk toast kind of ugly. All my dreams of grandeur flushed down the toilet by reality. Wraunchy – true! But thatâ€™s the way it is. Iâ€™ve lost all spirit. Iâ€™ve got these beautiful tape machines but they donâ€™t seem to be getting me anyplace (like Hollywood).
Ever since I kissed Henya I feel dizzy in love. Itâ€™s crazy, really! I must be so hard up for ego inflation or something that I get that turned on over a small kiss. But anyway, thatâ€™s how I feel. She cancelled tonightâ€™s date to freebase but wants to go to the bonfire with me that Stan is going to have. Itâ€™s on Saturday night. Clymer will be at Salt Point so we can be alone if it happens like that. I really wish it would turn into something romantic.
I canâ€™t believe that Iâ€™m 25 and have gone nowhere. I mean, getting my M.B.A. doesnâ€™t mean shit really. I donâ€™t want to be a white-collar businessman (which Iâ€™m headed for).
Iâ€™m super-depressed about my music! I donâ€™t even know anymore if it needs something. Iâ€™m starting to think I should give it up. I feel paranoid about it. I feel like everyone is secretly thinking…
â€œPoor Jeff, how can he possibly think heâ€™s going to make it?â€
My music is so poor. There was a time when I thought my music was beautiful. There was a time when I really, loved each song I wrote. They donâ€™t sound so great anymore â€“ or is it the way I sound. I listen to the radio and the songs sound so much better. Clymerâ€™s pointing out the way they arrange their songs and I can see that heâ€™s right, yet I canâ€™t seem to do it myself. It seems that all the friends are gone and that weâ€™re all on our own now. Itâ€™s really lonely, you know?
What really depresses me is that I canâ€™t seem to get together musicians. Or is it just that the movement has died? No, I donâ€™t think so. Anyway, I wish I could get it together musically.
Itâ€™s been a real depressing day, donâ€™t know exactly why. I feel like Iâ€™ve failed miserably, like the small achievements Iâ€™ve made toward my own goals have been regressive because by diversifying my interests so much I feel Iâ€™ve limited myself in the pursuit of success in any one of them. Just to re-iterate my goals so that I myself can see them once again I will write:
1) I want to be a great lover, making love to a lot of different woman all the time â€“ new ones.
2) I want to be a renowned songwriter and recording artist.
3) I want to see the entire world and spend my year in whatever country I choose to be in at any time.
4) I want to be wealthy.
5) I want to be healthy
6) I want to have a glow of life and joy for living and I want to feel vibrant all the time and I want to be happy.
7) I want lots of friends.
2) Songwriter/Recording Artist
7) Lots of Friends
Yet, how have I gotten so far off track? This list differs basically in a few ways from my old list?! It doesnâ€™t say anything about super-wealth/super-glory and it doesnâ€™t mention being a financier â€“ it also seems more to the point and realistic.
How am I to achieve these goals?? I should at least pursue them!!
For starters a few changes might be in order:
1) Associate freely with other musicians
2) Finish my degree (MBA)
3) Make a habit of developing my charm and my style and my techniques at getting women into bed willingly.
4) Take lesson in music.
5) Play music away from home, where youâ€™ll feel more free.
6) Plan your next vacation for whenever.
Q: Should I start visualizing goals? I am afraid that it will interfere with my schoolwork.
July 1st, 1981
I think maybe Iâ€™ll start back on some old songs that I wrote that received approval in the old days â€“ like â€˜Sweet Suzanneâ€™ that Jim Tippey liked so much â€“ maybe I should try to get back to basics â€“ to stuff that has meaning and feeling and is beautiful rather than try to be something Iâ€™m not.
July 2nd, 1981
Things are rough at work â€“ my Dadâ€™s business is going down the tubes. Iâ€™m really fed up with this lifestyle, but I might continue it to get my M.B.A. â€“ the major problem is that I canâ€™t get into music enough to make it happen. I canâ€™t get my mind in music and school at the same time. Taylor tells me Nelson is getting married to Robin Holt â€“ he didnâ€™t tell me cause he probably figured (right) that Iâ€™d give him a bad time.
I had a good time last night talking to Jeff, Stan and Henya. Henya and I are going to the bonfire together Saturday night. I donâ€™t know why, but every time I see her I feel like Iâ€™m infatuated or in love. I canâ€™t stand the thought of being ordinary anymore. It seems like the road almost everyone takes.
July 5th, 1981
I was determined yesterday to take Henya to bed. We did coke at 8 pm and I smoked some pot. We went to see Stanâ€™s bonfire but he wasnâ€™t there and we went to Redondo Beach where there were about 20 small campfires, people all over camping and lightening fireworks. We walked along the beach. We left and went back to the city and scrounged up enough money to get some Kahlua, rum, and cream and went back to her apartment and finished off the booze and at about 3 or 4 am, I kissed her. One thing led to another and we went to her bed. I was so burnt out that I couldnâ€™t really get it up. We slept on and off and I kept trying to do it to her. The first time I make love to a girl I usually get a little antsy, but this carried on because I was so wasted, etc. I was licking and sucking her vagina repeatedly, getting all sweaty and then trying to put it in when I was almost ready to come anyway. It felt great when I got it in and I was trying to prolong it and I was just about to come when I pulled out and got soft again.
Finally, after we slept, about 12 noon, I did the same thing, got it in and came in her vagina immediately. I felt much better after doing so and I was happy because now I can say I made love to Henya. After the first time, itâ€™s always downhill and the apprehension leaves me. We spent until 2:30 pm or so kissing, playing, drinking coffee and joking around. I left. We both said that we plan to see each other again â€“ she says she wants me to call her this week or sheâ€™ll â€œbe madâ€ (jokingly) â€“ and Iâ€™m very happy about all this. I really like Henya, I really like her body also. I loved sucking her vagina, and I am looking forward to a good long fuck with her. As a matter of fact Iâ€™m getting turned on just writing this. I miss her already. I think I am falling in love with her. I really want to do it to her longer and better. She didnâ€™t give me a blow job, which would have helped, but she made an indirect comment that she has to get to know me â€“ which, if I understood her correctly, means that sheâ€™s dying to suck my cock and will do so at the earliest next convenience.
I came home and called Norma. I love Norma too, donâ€™t get it wrong, but I am still looking forward to sleeping with Henya again.
Finely carved like a statue of coal
Dark as the night but she got no soul
Guided through the sky by and Electronic Eye
Red Ride, Red Ride.
July 8th, 1981
Itâ€™s actually July 11th, after 1 am. Iâ€™m stoned – got back form Scuba tonight. I hope like hell I pass the class. I mailed in my student loan application for $5000 today. Mac told me at scuba class that we will very likely get an order for 30K+ tomorrow, to be finished in 2 weeks. I think I may threaten to quit ATS when I get my loan â€“ because I want to either make myself more powerful around their or be gone, because the place is going nowhere, but Dad acts too authoritarian. Well. Iâ€™m glad we might get the job. I wonder if Gam would let me move the washing machines into the garage? I start FIN-819 next Tuesday night at 6:00 pm. Iâ€™m going to ask for Tues and Thurs off. Norma and I and Dave Jaffe and a girl are supposed to be going to a fancy French restaurant on Friday night. Dave Jaffe and I are supposed be going rock climbing this weekend. I need money for my reverb, school tuition.
The tape of â€˜Stepping Outâ€™ is coming along excellently. Clymer came over last night and said that he thought it was great. He also said that Cappa had told Brad Fiske that my tape was actually that of a new singing group and that before he knew it was me he really liked it a lot. By the way Cappa is supposed to be coming up tomorrow (today.) Iâ€™m going to buy some splicing tape for the Â½â€ tape tomorrow and I am going to use it to splice out a portion of â€˜Stepping Out.â€™ I hope it works.
Clymerâ€™s guidance is excellent! He has helped me to some great new insights. Iâ€™ve recently surprised myself. I think Iâ€™ve got some answers to a lot of the problems Iâ€™ve encountered recording.
I realize now that a song is: Not a static segmented arrangement of choruses and verses, but rather it is a dynamic, fluid collection of sound. This realization is very profound to me.
The only other topic that I have to cover tonight is Henya. I think I must love her. I think about her all the time. Today I called, Clymer always answered and I didnâ€™t want to ask for her, Clymer left for L.A. this evening and I canâ€™t get a hold of her. I guess sheâ€™s sleeping with that black dude. I will probably be able to reach her tomorrow, and if not I will make a tape of â€˜Stepping Outâ€™ and leave it at her door (with a note, perhaps: I miss you, or something else simple). Anyway, Iâ€™m thinking of her all day long. Itâ€™s got me kind of keyed up. If I can sleep with her again and do her good, perhaps sheâ€™ll want to see me regularly. When I was with her Sunday it all seemed very positive. I wonder if she knows about Mystery Woman â€“ Norma? I canâ€™t believe it â€“ I am really keyed up about Henya. I wonder if she feels anything for me â€“ I hope so.
July 9th, 1981
Last night after I wrote about Henya I drove by her place about 2:30 am. I saw her lights on and that her car was in the garage so I went to a phone booth and called her. It was really, really great. She says that she would like to have me over and have me stay with her.
July 11th, 1981
Iâ€™ve been listening to KDIA â€“ the black station. From now on Iâ€™m going to listen to black music. Itâ€™s more exciting – plus, I want to learn how to give my songs a good beat, so itâ€™s primarily for my own edification.
A recap of events. Thursday night Cappa and I went out. We took a test run to Ft. Funston and lit off skyrockets in the gun battery. It was terrific. It was awesome. So now Cappa, Clymer, Taylor and I will have a war there. Agreed. Then Cappa and I went to Bajoneâ€™s and listened to a great band â€“ we call it the United Nations bar because there are so many different types of people that go there. This was the band that inspired me to listen to black music â€“ they had 3 black, 2 white and one Latino, they were all great musicians. Then we went to â€œA Little Moreâ€ â€“ a bar Clymer and I have been planning to go to just to check it out. They have this symbol (the female symbol) like itâ€™s a dyke bar. Anyway we popped our heads in for curiosity and it was almost regular â€“ but empty practically â€“ some girl told us to come in but we left.
Iâ€™m going rock climbing tomorrow at Mt. Diablo. When I get back I am going to go over and see Henya and stay the night with her. Iâ€™m really looking forward to that.
At work we got that 30K order and maybe another 18K order, so we will stay in business for a while longer hopefully.
Norma still hasnâ€™t got herself checked out for the abortion and Iâ€™m getting worried/pissed.
On the music scene â€“ I just recorded a few hours for â€˜Stepping Out.â€™ I spliced out a section and put some good background vocals in. I am very excited about this song. When I finally get done with it I really think it is going to be great. I plan to end up in a 24-track studio for this song â€“ my new goal is to arrange this by the end of the year and have someone produce it (pay for it.) The song is really taking shape.
Stan, Scott C. and I are planning a bonfire for a week from Wednesday â€“ it is going to be awesome.
July 12th, 1981
I just drove over to Henyaâ€™s and she ainâ€™t there. I got home and there was a message that she couldnâ€™t make it. Looks like I got stood up. I went rock climbing today. It was pretty fun.
Iâ€™m pretty disappointed. I think Henya chickened out. I wish, I hope I can salvage this. My theory is that if I act light and carefree about it that sheâ€™ll come around and want me.
The true bummer about it is that I really fall in love so easily and I think I scared her; I really loved being with her. I really wish I could stay with her again.
I also got a call that Stan still is having the party this Thursday â€“ what a bummer.
Iâ€™ve get over it. I really feel terrible. Maybe itâ€™s a bad sign that I do. I really like Henya a lot and I do miss her, so if I blew it by telling her, so be it.
July 13th, 1981
I feel great. Itâ€™s a great day! Great! Great! Great! Great! Now listening to â€˜Stepping Outâ€™ take 3. I really love this song. Plan â€“ to record in 24-track studio.
Everything has gone right today. But most of all, Henya digs me. I called her before I left for work and she said that something really urgent came up, and that she was afraid that Iâ€™d get the wrong impression that she wasnâ€™t trying to rush me! Anyway, she invited me over for dinner. We kissed and held each other. Jeff came home and after dinner Henya and I went in her room and locked the door. We lay on her bed and I felt her pussy through her pants until it was really wet. We kissed and talked and really worked things out. It was great. She told me I could come over later tonight if I wanted, but I have already made a date with Norma â€“ so we said if I donâ€™t come over tonight that Iâ€™ll definitely come over Wednesday night after scuba. I told her I was sleeping over no matter what. She seems extremely hot for my cock.
1) Talked with Mat, Marketing, Florida, promised check in mail today
2) R. Ramos said heâ€™d refund the $65
3) Got $25 of the $40 that Johnny ripped me off for in form of check from ATS.
Woke up at 6:15am today to work with Dad. Went to Sunnyvale. Bonfire on Thursday â€“ 10 pm.
July 13th, 1981
I just finished putting the third background vocal on â€˜Stepping Out.â€™ I am amazed â€“ I am not so much amazed at how good it sounds because I do realize I need a tremendous amount of work and the song does too, but I am truly amazed at how, when I follow Clymerâ€™s advice everything in my music blossoms. I am ecstatic over the fact that each time I re-do the same song it becomes so much better. I feel Iâ€™ve got the basic vocals down now. Now Iâ€™ve got to work with them. This is getting really exciting.
I am also happy because I just called Henya and I am going over to spend the night with her.
July 17th, 1981
Had a wonderful time at the bonfire last night. I love doing it to Henya.
August 2nd, 1981
My Grandma just got back from my Momâ€™s house in Oregon. She wanted to talk to me and she told me that Mom and Vic questioned her and told her that she spends too much time on her family. She told them â€œin no uncertain termsâ€ that she loved her family and that her family was her whole life. Gam said how much the interlude had affected her. It was really an incredible conversation. I never thought Iâ€™d hear from her lips the things she said. I told her how uncomfortable they had made me feel when I went there. She said that Vic didnâ€™t care about his family and that Mom was following him.
She said that, â€œVic had the strangest look on his face.â€ And she also said that Mom told her that her kids werenâ€™t perfect and Gam replied, â€œWell, youâ€™re not perfect either Marie but I love you just the way you are.â€ And at that point Mom had no reply.
Dad is going bankrupt. Thereâ€™s nothing I can do about it. Everything is going well for me. School is going fine. Taking Scuba class too. Everything is great.
August 11th, 1981
Almost ready to take off for Finance-819. A lot has been happening but it probably just seems that way since itâ€™s been a while since my last entry.
I called ToniÃ§a and it was a real great conversation. Somehow it seemed like the nicest talk for over a year. I didnâ€™t get romantic and she didnâ€™t get snotty. I still love the little shit.
P.S. Donnaâ€™s friend Terri (whom I found myself attracted to) said that I was real cute and that I must have a problem with the girls (always coming after me). It was a compliment.
I nearly (and maybe did) ruin my engine in an attempt to get to Salt Point for scuba diving this weekend. We ended up taking Stanâ€™s truck. It is going to be fun next weekend, but this weekend there was too much hassle to make it great. Nevertheless, Stan and I had a good time getting drunk and acting like jerks (i.e. letting ourselves be ourselves.)
Before I go, I have been working out a song to some lyrics that Tom Hockridge gave me. Itâ€™s like magic. I really like writing music to his lyrics. Iâ€™m going to record a quick version of it and let him have a listen. Iâ€™m sort of planning to start up with him again. Iâ€™ve concluded that we are better together than apart. We balance out one anotherâ€™s talents and cover each otherâ€™s weaknesses.
August 17th, 1981
I called up Hock tonight and broached the idea of him singing our songs on my tape recorder and getting a band to play on it, and he said heâ€™s for it â€“ weâ€™re both psyched.
August 23rd, 1981
Hey â€“ I got the only â€˜Aâ€™ in my Finance class FIN819. I am really proud of myself â€“ that was a hard class and I deserved it.
Other notes: Norma got her period today â€“ great news. I think sheâ€™ll stop being freaked out now. Glad sheâ€™s not pregnant too.
Hock came over today and we wrote some songs. I spent the evening finishing the basic tracks to the 3rd version of â€˜Steppin Out.â€™ I think Iâ€™ll put drums to it – I mean have someone else put the sounds down.
Everything is just great. Not having homework is great!!
P.S. I really like my new stage name â€“
August 25th, 1981
Hock called me tonight. He says Danny will be happy to play on our tape. Heâ€™s psyched that is good news.
I really like â€˜Stepping Outâ€™ (on my tape). I want to get a drummer and send it out.
A Note: Iâ€™m at a low point. Iâ€™m overworked, underpaid, tired and fed up with unexciting work.
I just want myself to know, diary, that none of my spirit is gone. I will rise above these problems.
August 29th, 1981
I called Hock. Weâ€™re practicing tomorrow. I feel good about whatâ€™s happening. I recorded some parts to â€˜Cryinâ€™â€™ and itâ€™s all fat today.
August 31st, 1981
This is the first day Iâ€™ve had a chance to relax in quite awhile! I took Friday and today, Monday, off from work as a 4-day vacation. Iâ€™m not going to write a terrible lot, but I am going to try to catch up on the latest happenings.
Most importantly, Tom H. and I are back in the songwriting business. Weâ€™ll see how that goes, but in the meantime it should prove to be exciting. I think Tom and I have learned a lot in the time we have been apart. I know that I have learned appreciation for the things that Hock brought into our last group. Iâ€™m not trying to be idealistic, but I really believe that to some extent I helped cause the problems we had. I got to the point of thinking he was holding me down, and he wasnâ€™t contributing anything. That wasnâ€™t fully true. He contributed the following:
1) Endless enthusiasm
2) Lyrics that were easy to work with
3) Suggestions as to how the music should go
4) A voice
5) Belief in what we were doing.
Itâ€™s true he wasnâ€™t a bass player and wonâ€™t ever be, but he gave it a try, and it wasnâ€™t completely his idea. Perhaps we were too enthusiastic at times. On the other point â€“ â€œholding me downâ€ â€“ that is partially true. It wasnâ€™t so much that he was holding me down musically, but that he was holding on to us being together so much confined me.
Since we broke up Iâ€™ve fulfilled some of the things I needed to fulfill:
1) To travel again, i.e. to South America
2) To return to school and finish my education (and I plan to finish grad school too).
So Iâ€™m in a much better situation â€“ and so is Hock. Iâ€™ve got my tape equipment. It has given me a chance to find out what my talents are, and where I lack, what I need to compliment them. Itâ€™s even given me a chance to see if I am good by myself, and if I could make it by myself. Iâ€™m satisfied that Iâ€™m not an island, that I need others to compliment my talent. I need others with enthusiasm for what weâ€™re doing. In essence, this is a good time for Tom and I to pursue our goals together.
Having my tape equipment makes the situation very rosy. When musicians get together thereâ€™s a few possibilities:
You canâ€™t perform (hopefully) until you are good and that takes practice. The problem for us is that we like to write our own songs and we face the difficulty that we canâ€™t perform them for money unless we have recognition. Weâ€™ve been the route of recording them for free, and it isnâ€™t very rewarding. Without the possibility of recording, it is a vicious circle; or at least it was for us. We arenâ€™t virtuosos and I think we need to record, because the tape allows you to re-do your mistakes. Another reason why recording is so beneficial to us now is that it will allow Tom to practice his vocals. I wonâ€™t have to (hopefully) sit over him, be aggravated and aggravate him, whilst both of us suffer frustration. It will give him time to get good, and it will give each of us time to prepare before we meet.
It is good that we have settled into certain functions. Tom will write the lyrics and sing, help with the refinement of the music. I will write the basic melody, record the bass and rhythm guitars, give it to them too practice. We will sing the vocals (he will sing lead) on the tape and give it to the drummer and/or other musicians to practice as they will subsequently record it later. It is a simple format and it will work well, and what then?
I am not going to try to look into the future. We will do our best, and then try to market our sound, or better yet, have someone try to market it for us. I think the idea is to specialize functions.
1) Donâ€™tâ€™ try to do what you arenâ€™t proficient at, and 2) Try to get people to work with you. Of course, we must be careful to avoid being reliant on irresponsible people.
Enough said. Next most important on my list. Finishing School. Because of the time element, School will have time priority. Things must get done on time â€“ School will come first. If I push â€“ school will be out in May. (Also X-mas break, Dec, Jan.) I plan to be conscientious â€“ try hard, do well.
Whatâ€™s next? Travel. When can I look forward to traveling? I can look forward to it starting right now because on July 15, 1982. Iâ€™m heading to Europe for (at least) 2 months.
I plan to go to Scandinavia, Greece, Ireland, Spain, Portugal and all the little places I missed last time. (Maybe even go to Morocco and similar places â€“ the African Continent.) Hammerfest, Norway â€“ the northern most city on earth. I expect to need at least $1500-2000.
Here, I feel at a loss. I donâ€™t know what the problem is or even if there is a problem. In one way, hopefully temporary, I have lost a lot of interest in girls. Partially, it is a result of being so â€œunder the gun and busyâ€ and partly because I have a girlfriend Norma. If Iâ€™m sexually content, O.K., but I donâ€™t feel that great a desire for her anymore. Thatâ€™s partially because she, until 2 nights ago, has been avoiding sex â€“ thatâ€™s because of the 2nd abortion this year. As you can see, it is a tangled web- I canâ€™t even figure out the reasons I feel the way I do, but if I go to my innermost feelings I can certainly say I havenâ€™t lost any of my desire to love a beautiful woman. As a matter of fact, I will re-make a declaration that I made earlier in this volume, that I fully intend to try to find and love a beautiful woman â€“ only I make this amendment â€“ I canâ€™t say when.
Part of my dilemmas is that my lifestyle has been strict â€“ a lot of work, not too much play. Iâ€™ve been out of that mode. I donâ€™t feel sexy or handsome. I think I will feel that way when I get out of school.
This is intertwined with Norma. Norma has an ugly face. It doesnâ€™t do much for my ego. She is beautiful in many respects. Her lily-white skin comes right up the neck, but the face is marked and the complexion unsmooth. I donâ€™t want to go into a spell of criticism here, but it is important to realize that my ego is suffering on that point. I do love her, even dearly; it breaks my heart to think of this faux pas of nature. Why her?
Sheâ€™s brilliant, you know. I enjoy her company so much, because we are on the same plane, but that could never make up for the soft, smooth, skin of one of Godâ€™s gifted creatures, nor could the soft, smooth skin ever make up for her beautiful mind. It is quite a dilemma for me, her love. It seems the most simple to let it take its course, to try to persuade her to move back to New York when sheâ€™s finished her thesis, to give her time, and room, and let it down slow. Iâ€™m not enchanted to think of my own loss. She is a wonderful creature, but Iâ€™m tired of hiding her, and she wants to marry me in the worst way, and I have other plans.
Iâ€™m running on, and digging myself a hole here. Let me pull myself out of this â€“ my plans for future love, (even though love cannot be planned.) Iâ€™m going to wait, and watch, and wonder. All I can say is that I will keep searching for physical beauty â€“ a foolish pleasure which everyone should have the right to pursue if it please them.
Lastly, as an overview â€“ where am I going. (Iâ€™m 26 years old.)
Basically, next year Iâ€™ll be considered educated. Music, weâ€™ll see if I can succeed at that.
I still want to:
1) Be a great lover. By that, I mean love many beautiful women.
2) Be a master in finance (MBA and beyond).
3) Travel everywhere on Earth â€“ a great adventurer.
4) Be a success and make my living selling records and be a recognized recording artist.
There is no room for more.
September 2nd, 1981
School starts in a few days. It will be 3 Â½ months of hard work, a month and Â½ of vacation, and 3 Â½ months again, and then Iâ€™ll be out of school. I am getting nearly $5000 and the trick will be to make the trip to Europe. If I pay Norma $1225 outright, and I pay Gam $200 a month that will leave (5000 â€“ 1225 = 3775 â€“ 200×10 = $1775 left when I get out, assuming that I donâ€™t spend it on anything else and disregarding interest. That brings me up to July 1st with $1775. At that time I will owe Mom $1000 + interest, Gam $2500 and school $7500 for a total of $11K. Add interest of at least $225 and that leaves about 9K debt compared to my car and studio equipment.
I figure I can get at least 9 or 10K from my studio year. (For all the work I do, it doesnâ€™t really leave me much in the way of assets if I cleared off my debt â€“ maybe 2 or 3K which is exactly what I had a year ago or more!) I guess Iâ€™ve had a lot of expenses! Itâ€™s not like I blow the money. Anyway, hopefully Iâ€™ll be able to cover expenses by working this year and I can still go Europe. Another thing to consider is that the Present Value of the loan payments Iâ€™ll have to make (assuming a 10% discount rate or inflation rate) is about $6802 and, similarly, my other debts might not cost quite as much as they appear.
Hock came over tonight and we recorded â€˜Cryingâ€™ â€“ his vocal part at least. It sounded good with tripling his voice. It sounds decent, and things seem to be moving along well. Weâ€™ll see what happens next.
P.S. â€“ I really like being with Norma.
September 5th, 1981
I got a letter from Lynn today!!! She said my tape was fantastic, that she loves me and that she is looking forward to seeing me (does not say when). I wrote her a letter back, saying that I plan to go to Europe, which I do, and asking her to come along, or, at least, if I could see her when I stop in Montreal. I am going to mail it tomorrow.
I wrote song #166 (the first part of it) tonight â€“ â€˜Pride.â€™
September 6th, 1981
I started school this morning. I went to a class that deals with Recording Techniques. There is a girl in there that had a real short skirt and she was draping herself across the piano bench. I caught a glimpse of her panties. She appeals to me no end. As far as personal preference, I think her legs are a 9, her tits an 8 or 7, her waist a 10, body complexion a 10, face is about a 6 or maybe 6 Â½ – 7. Her legs look great. She is really skinny â€“ looks like no fat. She was wearing a black skirt â€“ like corduroy â€“ and a light blue top and fish net black stockings. Her hair looks like it is brown but she has tinted a lot of it blonde. I intend to fuck her. I am determined to go for this.
September 8th, 1981
I just got out of BCA again. I still havenâ€™t talked to Miss Sexpot, but she left class alone today, and sat alone â€“ so I assume that she doesnâ€™t have a boyfriend in the class. Our eyes met twice today, so I at least know that she notices me.
Norma and I made love again last night. It was great. She has come the last 3 times we have made love. She is great. I find her very sexy.
When I went out with Henya Monday night; she bought some coke and treated me to free-base. It was O.K., but itâ€™s nothing fantastic, although I did feel euphoric for a Moment. Sheâ€™s hooked on the shit though, and it is pathetic to watch. In the morning, Clymer came and found us in his bed â€“ he gave us a bad time, but I laughed it off and so we got on famously. But Henya took it to heart; they got in a big argument and she left in a huff. I havenâ€™t spoken to her since, and donâ€™t care if I ever do. (Clymer called her FOG-Woman and itâ€™s a good description â€“ sheâ€˜s very scatter-brained. Itâ€™s a drag.) Yes, we fucked â€“ it was O.K. but I have to fantasize because Henya just doesnâ€™t turn me on.
September 22nd, 1981
Things have been looking up. I have started to emulate Tom in that I have stopped â€œEating between mealsâ€ and I have stopped eating sugar. I feel much better â€“ more awake, then before. I feel better psychologically too in that I know I am doing whatâ€™s good for me.
P.S. My check for $4900 has arrived (for my loan through school).
September 23rd, 1981
I deposited my check and got a Cashierâ€™s check for Norma for the full amount $1225.
Today in BCA, we listened to near original (3rd generation) tapes of Beatles on Rubber Soul, Revolver and Sergeant Peppers â€“ very interesting.
I am now thoroughly infatuated with Meg â€“ (Jesus!) and attracted. I want to get it together (in all sense) with her. I make this declaration. I will make a go for it sometime this semester ~~~ I hope itâ€™s soon- I Hope things work out.
I just listened to my tape of â€˜Prideâ€™ with Hock singing â€“ heâ€™s too tight â€“ thereâ€™s no life to his vocal. At any rate â€“ it is frustrating. Letâ€™s get Danny on these tapes and then redo the vocals.
September 29th, 1981
This isnâ€™t planned as the next entry, but, something great happened tonight â€“ I met Meg Oâ€™Leary! I was standing in the Rapid Copy Center and I looked behind me and there she was, like a vision, the girl of my latest dreams! Sheâ€™s about 2 people behind me, so I got back in line with her and we talked for 2 or 3 minutes. Luckily, I had just taken a quick pot break and I was feeling relaxed. I just called out â€œHi thereâ€ and then we started talking about class and such. I found out sheâ€™s in a band â€“ she sings and plays (the guitar I presume.) She said her band did a tape at the State Studio. She said it is unmixed (4 track) Iâ€™m thinking of offering to mix it down.
Anyway, I said, â€œMy name is Jeff,â€ and she said, â€œMineâ€™s Meg.â€ So weâ€™re officially introduced. This is great.
One other news item â€“ I had a note that Tom called and said Lathan is coming back home for the weekend. Things are looking up. Wrote a song called â€˜Love to the Limitâ€™ (Tomâ€™s lyrics.)
P.S. â€“ Was stoned in school this week â€“ hope Iâ€™m doing O.K. â€“ Iâ€™m keeping up with my homework. Plan to give it a winning effort.
P.P.S. As of late, (4 days â€“ last Friday night) I have started thinking things such as: â€œI am the greatest lover in the worldâ€ again. It seems to make a difference. Since then Iâ€™ve gotten a lot of sex. Also, â€œMeg Oâ€™Leary is my girlfriend.â€ (Visualized that one Friday night when I couldnâ€™t stand being without the chance to know her â€“ I was feeling miserable.) Also, â€œI am a great entertainer.â€
October 1st, 1981
I just got out of class. Meg is so cute. God, I hope it happens!! We talked a little today and when she left I was walking back in and I smiled and said â€œbye-byeâ€ and she smiled and said â€œbye-bye.â€ I can picture her. It was a charge to have her smile and say goodbye. Iâ€™m thoroughly infatuated with her, yet I feel more relaxed now, which is good. I hope things develop like this. Sheâ€™s nice, pretty and hip. I want her more than anybody since ToniÃ§a.
October 9th, 1981
Things are really great, I have been getting laid constantly and it makes a difference.
Our songs sound pretty good â€“ Iâ€™ll be interested to hear drums.
October 10th, 1981
Great day at Pedattiâ€™s ranch north of Jenner with Mike Taylor. Great day. I have been doing mixes since about 10:30-11:00 then from around 12:45-3:30 and now itâ€™s 4 am Oct 11. Iâ€™m getting a lot of stuff done. This equipment is great.
October 13th, 1981
Really something. I was a little stoned, but I surprised myself by being really friendly with Cayuko a (33 year) girl who is originally from Japan. After class I even asked her out for a drink but she declined. In between classes she gave me half of a meatloaf sandwich. I feel good about being straightforward. I donâ€™t feel nervous at all around her â€“ sheâ€™s a lot of fun to talk to.
October 20th, 1981
The Stones were great. So was J. Geils., â€˜G. Thoroughgood was thoroughly bad,â€™ as Tom said.
Tom and I are planning to record drums on Sunday with Danny. It will entail moving my 8-track deck to a â€œstudioâ€ nearby that has an 8-track console but a 4-track deck (1/4â€).
It was very inspirational to see Jagger at almost 40 dancing around. I feel young again.
I have just decided to sell the ARP-AXXE and to purchase the Audio-tronics compressor/limiter noise gate $800 that Barsotti was talking about in BCA 330 â€“ that is if it is at the price and as superior as Barsotti made it sound, and available. It should improve the sound of the studio. Iâ€™m psyched-up.
School is interesting. Iâ€™m starting to feel like a super-intellectual.
October 21st, 1981
I made love to a new girl today named Cazuko Kurnow. Sheâ€™s originally from Japan. It was really great. Iâ€™ll tell you the story.
Last Tuesday night, I started sort of coming on to Cazuko in Mgmt-842. We spent part of the break between 842 and 835 together (sheâ€™s in both my classes on Tuesday. When we left 842 she said she was going to go to the Student Union to get something to eat. I asked if I could come with her. She said she was meeting some friends there â€œand so…â€ and I said â€œSo what?…â€ When we got to the student union she excused herself saying she saw her friends. I went downstairs and got a cup of latte, and was thinking that sheâ€™d escaped on purpose. I was stirring some sugar in my coffee and I looked over and heard her â€“ she was rushing up to me and said her friends had to go… and so we sat down and chatted and she shared the sandwich I mentioned, with me.)
This Tuesday night (last night) I was friendly to her, and, like last Tuesday night, I fantasized in 835 that after class we would go out after class and end up making love.
Well, after class I went outside the room and Jan and I were talking Cazuko came out and walked down the hall out of sight. Jan asked me to walk with her but I said I had to make a phone call. I figured that Cazuko was long gone by the time, but I went downstairs and headed for the phone. Incredibly, Cazuko came walking up behind me from another hall. We talked and I borrowed a dime to make a call (phony excuse) because she was going to the phone. When we finished our attempted calls (hers didnâ€™t go through â€“ I called Dad and said Hi). We walked outside. When she asked me if Iâ€™d take her home, that she needed a ride, I felt a relief and an excitement. I had hypothesized that she had dressed â€œcuteâ€ for me earlier in the evening and this made me even more confident. On the way to my car, I asked her if sheâ€™d like to go out someplace before I took her home â€“ she was being non-committal. Once in my car, I suggested we get a beer. She said OK.
We went to a pub on West Portal. I had a beer and she had a glass of white wine. Then she bought me a scotch and herself another white wine. Then I bought another scotch and finally she bought another round. By the time we left she had told me she thought I was cute, and we had talked about sex, relationships and ourselves. When we got out to the car I kissed her and in a minute or so we were holding and touching each other and she was telling me how horny she was.
When we got to her house she said she couldnâ€™t invite me in (another story in itself) and as I caressed her crotch we decided to go to my room.
When we got to my house we took off our clothes and got to bed. (We had smoked pot on the way.) We kissed and lay together. I went down on her which we both loved and she did to me too, but I couldnâ€™t get hard enough partly because of all the liquor and partly due to â€œperformance anxietyâ€ as she called it. I got it in a second but no sooner was I in then I was about to come so I pulled out. I went down again we eventually fell asleep without having made love.
We got up this morning and I snuck her out. I drove her home and I went to school.
After class, I called her and I asked if I could come over. She said â€œNoâ€ at first but changed her mind. I went over and we went down to her room and drank tea.
I said, â€œCazuko, letâ€™s go to bed.â€ And she said, â€œOK.â€
We got in bed and I lay on top of her. I was still burnt out and only half hard. After some time I suddenly popped a hard erection (I knew it would come around!) and shoved it into her awaiting delicate vagina. For a while we fucked and I must say I enjoyed it ever so much. I love her cunt. It was sort of grabbing me. Her cunt is so soft and juicy and wet! Well, it was really great. Then I started going down a little, then I decided to go for the orgasm and I got it hard and fucked until I came in her. I was very happy at this point. All in all, it was a memorable fuck! She was an excellent fuck. I really enjoy her vagina. (Last night she said she came when I was sucking her vagina.)
Anyway, we got dressed and I drove her to school. We kissed goodbye and it was nice til the last Moment. Then I drove to work.
At any rate, Cazuko is very great and itâ€™s nice to be with her. I hope weâ€™ll do a lot more fucking of one another in the future.
October 30th, 1981
This afternoon Cazuko and I spent together at her house. It was beautiful. By the time I left she was warm and she seemed loving. We made love twice and she came both times. She was so wet I was like in a cavern the second time, but thatâ€™s OK. She says her husband used to spend hours trying to get her wet, but I excite her.
November 4th, 1981
Last night I spent with Cazuko after our Finance mid-term. When we made it â€“ to start, she was on top of me. She claimed that she came twice and then we reversed positions and after some time I came. The entire time she was making a lovely racket – moans of ecstasy. I am discovering to my surprise, that I really enjoy it when a girl makes noise in bed. I suppose itâ€™s the charge. Norma and I did it before I went to class yesterday afternoon. I enjoyed it substantially, yet at the risk of comparing, I think I prefer the novelty of being with Cazuko. I absolutely love Cazukoâ€™s pussy. I feel like fucking her right now.
I just got back from BCA. I am very pleased because I got into a conversation with Meg today and I think Iâ€™ve got it all set up. This is to say that I think this conversation will lead into another, and then maybe weâ€™ll exchange phone numbers and once the ball is rolling I think Iâ€™ll do just fine because sheâ€™s a real nice girl and I think we hit it off well.
I told her about the fact that my friend and I (Tom) wrote over 150 songs and she seemed impressed. She was showing me her lyrics â€“ very interesting. I think I could learn a lot with and from her. Sheâ€™s divine in her way.
November 8th, 1981
I decided, last night watching Cazuko dance in her room downstairs, that I am going to learn how to Dance. After I graduate I am going to start to take classes in dancing and in music. I think, as far as entertainment goes, I am going to put my money on myself.
November 16th, 1981
Got highest score on 825 midterm.
November 17th, 1981
If I have any sanity left at the end of this MBA program, itâ€™ll be a miracle! (Joke)
I just left Cazukoâ€™s. Things going fine. Great loving. Made love to Norma this morning â€“ Cazuko is mother and sister and lover and friend.
November 18th, 1981
Megâ€™s phone number is 469-3734.
I got to talking to her today and I said, â€œCan we keep in touch after class?â€ and she nodded and said, â€œSureâ€ and shortly thereafter I said, â€œShall we exchange phone numbers?â€ and we did so. She lives in the dorms at school at Mary Ward Dorm (or something like that.) Sheâ€™s graduating in June in Video â€“ a major she made up.
November 19th, 1981
I am â€œout of it.â€ I am disoriented. I think that it is because of the research projects that are due. Once they are over I will be able to â€œbreathe a bit easier.â€ Things are OK, but the pressures are building up â€“ I am worried about the direction of my life and all the things that I havenâ€™t achieved. I am doing research for my project. My plan is to finish the management project by Sunday at 1 pm.
November 24th, 1981
Well, Iâ€™m 2 days late on my management project, but itâ€™s done and I am relieved. I have been working my sweet ass off! I didnâ€™t even go to classes tonight so I could get it done.
In order to complete my Marketing project Iâ€™ll have to cancel my diving trip this weekend – which is the last week of the year for abalone diving â€“ itâ€™s too bad! Iâ€™ll also have to think of a way to get together with Hockridge and Lathan. I suppose Iâ€™ll be very busy. Iâ€™m not having much time for anything except school.
November 25th, 1981
Lest it should never be forgotten, I must offer attribute to my grandmother. She has given me the only true home I have ever had â€“ a thing I doubt many know â€“ a place where there is always love â€“ a place where I am allowed to grow, to be myself, â€œto never feel guilty,â€ (to eat what I find around without fear of being chastised.) I thank you Gam and I love you truly.
December 5th, 1981
Things have gotten much better in the last month or so. For examples:
1) Won court case.
2) Won $150 in card game
3) Cazuko poked.
4) Superb performance in school.
5) Getting started up with Tom, etc.
I called Meg this afternoon. She and a bunch of her friends were making spaghetti. I told her I called her to say hello and that maybe we could do something together sometime. She said OK. She said sheâ€™d show me her play (itâ€™s also got 3 songs in it.) I said Iâ€™d be in touch. She was friendly, that is to say, things are open and Iâ€™m happy because I think Iâ€™ll get to see her again.
Went over Hockâ€™s last night. We got ripped out of our minds â€“ wine, pot and scotch. We practiced in his living room, wrote a song, did a lot of weird things. We were constantly screaming. I donâ€™t remember when Iâ€™ve had such a good time.
December 6th, 1981
I went to Tomâ€™s today. Danny showed up. We drank a little smoked a little and jammed a little. It was a lot of fun. Tom seemed a bit uptight. Iâ€™m going to practice, buy a rhythm machine, make some tapes and pursue music by myself. I am my own man. If I am talented, it will come out. If not, Iâ€™ll have fun my own way. I hope Tom and Danny and I can jam, but thatâ€™s largely up to them. The thing I donâ€™t like about the situation is that Tom is in a pivotal position, when everyone knowing him and not each other (Lathan included). I want to jam, but if they donâ€™t want to, they are not the only musicians in the world.
Dear Diary, am I paranoid or what? I feel like I donâ€™t have respect from anyone. Or is it that I donâ€™t have any self-respect?
I hope I can think of a way to see Meg just once – then, at least, Iâ€™ll have a chance to charm her and, hopefully, it will be easier to approach her a second time.
If I sound depressed, Iâ€™m not. Life is full and I am partaking.
December 16th, 1981
Iâ€™ve been through a lot lately. Finals, girls, etc!
Tonight Iâ€™ve been trying to consider how to get through to Meg. Iâ€™m getting nowhere fast. When I call, sheâ€™s either not there or sheâ€™s busy. But thatâ€™s not the bad part. The bad part is that I donâ€™t have a plan. So, I must develop one! â€“ Somehow Iâ€™ve got to develop a mutual interest. My plan is:
1) To make a tape, which I can give to her to listen to â€“ accompany the cassette with a list of whoâ€™s singing, etc.
2) The next time I talk to her, tell her that I have a tape I want her to give me her opinion on.
3) Tell her I want to drop it off – do so, and then follow up.
4) When I call her back, I can access the affect. Then ask her to listen to the tape of the group – etc., ask to read her play.
Strategy: To get her to relax, not to come on strong, but to get her to believe that Iâ€™m just a nice guy. To cultivate her friendship first. To elude an air of self-confidence, because I think she likes me with confidence, which is my best guess. To generate a common interest about music.
The disadvantage of this plan is:
1) That if I donâ€™tâ€™ get this together quick, I may lose the opportunity altogether â€“ I donâ€™t know how long sheâ€™ll be at that number.
My general mood is OK but fluctuating widely â€“ I find myself very up and very blasÃ© in the same day. My main concern/fear is that I am not going to be able to reach my musical goals and I have felt ineffective with women lately.
Iâ€™m going to try to get a small share of my Dadâ€™s company â€“ perhaps Â½ of 1 percent. I talked to Mac today and he said he gives me his word that heâ€™ll talk to my father when he gets back (he left for the Factory Mutual test today) heâ€™ll recommend that they sell me 5 shares (.005 of the company) for $110 each. So I will have 5/1000ths of the company for $550. I believe it will be a good investment.
Joe Parisi gave us another $6200 this week â€“ Factory Mutual tests are next Tuesday and things are looking good. Mac bought a little terminal from TI, so now we have a computer of sorts.
I havenâ€™t poked in almost a week! Norma and I got into a real big fight â€“ anyway, I talked to her today and we both admitted we miss each other.
What image do I want to have as a performer?
4) Happy, strong, free.
Try again â€“ these images are too general, and you sound like a pansy!
1) An excellent musician
2) An excellent dancer
3) An excellent performer
4) An excellent songwriter
5) Super-confident, yet pleasant
6) An intense musician/person
What is my focal point? Where do I want to position myself?
December 24th, 1981
I just took a bath. I am not depressed, but I am wondering. I am wondering if I can ever find happiness with the future I have planned – rather nebulously, I might add. I will travel, play music, work, jump from girl to girl. Thatâ€™s all fine, but I donâ€™t want to miss my chance to be extraordinary. Yet, it seems for me, to be even a bit above average in this world, one has to work hard. Itâ€™s not worth it â€“ to work hard and only scrape by.
I wish I had a better voice. This is crazy, but I just hallucinated. I was thinking of what image I wanted as a performer and I was looking in the mirror and I saw a different face in front of me â€“ someone who is more clean-cut, but with a modern look.
December 25th, 1981
A thought is a nebulous thing and, as such, it is powerful â€“ hidden in the impenetrable fortress of the mind.
I want more time, better direction, more genius, etc. The worst part about wanting is that once I get, it only leads to more â€œwants.â€ When I was with ToniÃ§a, I was very unhappy, and, yet, she was the best-looking girl I ever had â€“ and the sweetest.
Where does the bottom line lie? Perhaps we are all made to lead a different life.
Again, I will list my wants (in brief):
1) Beautiful women
2) Money â€“ a lot
3) Fame as a musician/songwriter/recording artist
4) To adventure.
Choose the proportions of each as you will, these are my dreams.
December 29th, 1981
The bottom line is this, I will keep trying until I succeed. Success to me is:
1) Having a healthy body and mind.
2) Having a great sex life with a number of beautiful women.
3) Amassing a great deal of material wealth.
4) Being famous for my ability, as a composer/recording artist, performer.
5) Being an adventurer, visiting every place.