1985 Journal – I adjust to a stationary life, I move in with my girlfriend [Love, Planning, Business: 73 pages]Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
January 1, 1985
Judithâ€™s period came (presumably from doing her abortion set the day before). We went to Golden Gate Park. In the evening, nice lovemaking.
January 2, 1985
Preparation to go to Oregon. Showed slides to Jeff and Dave. They seemed awesomized.
January 3, 1985
Woke at 5 am. Made love, rode to Oregon. I listened to my tapes. Arrived at 11 pm. Talked til 1 am. Fantastic orgasm.
January 4, 1985
**** Fucked Judith 3 times before breakfast. Delicious breakfast. Sorted through film. Judith took walk â€“ thoughts of Green Hanab scared me â€“ in the evening. Fight. Big blowup. Found Mom and Judith skiing at night. Made mom cry. Mention of old problems. Made up and love before sleep (w/Ju!)
January 5, 1985
** Nice day. Nice X-country skiing. Fantastic loving on retiring at 10 pm.
January 6, 1985
*** John Long and Sue for breakfast. Skiing by Black Butte. Heated dinner conversation about politics. Very intense lovemaking. Judith got upset afterwards because I didnâ€™t think of her when I got myself a snack. Made up, more love.
January 7, 1985
*** She asks if I ever fantasize. Arguments. Skiing. Fighting. Skiing to Head of the Metolius. I got there before Judith. Itâ€™s a beautiful spot â€“ Mt. Jeffersonâ€™s peak visible in the sun. Nice dinner (chicken). Beautiful sex before sleep.
January 8, 1985
** Judith wanted to make breakfast. Then she wanted to make dinner. We could not get along. We made delicious tacos. Vic pontificated while Judith and I openly argued. Seeing I wasnâ€™t interested in what he was saying, Vic got hurt. Even though Judith had a cold, she took a walk to think. We finally talked and loved before sleeping.
January 9, 1985
* Judith and Mom went skiing to Circle Lake. I wrote. Vic was quiet. I showed them about 15 slides. Mom tried to show hers (both boring and interesting). Harmony.
January 10, 1985
** Mom took care of chores in town. Judith & I stayed home. Skied to store in the evening. Harmony. Vic talked. A good day.
January 11, 1985
** Ju, I, Mom went to Jazzercise, I played the guitar (Spunky and Moving Zoo.) Did it w/ Ju. Quickly before she left. Vic talked a lot. Went skiing in the afternoon w/ mom and Ju. But I went off by myself. Ju, Mom and I had a nice talk in the evening.
I pontificated on theories â€“ status structure/material Westernism/allegiance to false ideals/the necessity of each individual to think for themselves/idolization of men â€“ we should admire equally/false pursuits/the necessity to concentrate on social progress.
Judith made great love to me â€œFantastic loving. She was so good, rubbing her body all over me. Nice when we went to bed.
January 12, 1985
** We departed at 5 am. When I look back on the time here, it has been marred by conflict. I really feel if I had come alone I would have had a much more pleasant time, but, after all, sex is always a plus.
On the way to Crescent City California Judith and I had a laugh over the way Vic talks too much. (One night he had been making jokes and said the word Wang and when Judith said she didnâ€™t know what that was Vic had said â€œYou donâ€™t know what a Wang is? Well scientifically we refer to it as a penis!â€ and he dropped his jaw to form a large hole in his mouth which Judith had said really turned her off.)
We got along fine all day. On the way, I pulled off the highway and fucked her in the bucket seat of the Pinto. It was very erotic.
We went through the Redwood National Park. These giant trees awed me. What a fantastic feeling walking through the forests gave us!!
We took a second walk in a different area. Everything was great until Ju. Mentioned Sri Lanka. I felt jealous of you know who and from then on the day and night turned into hell. I was calm about it but Judith took a small problem and made it enormous. To compound the problem, the hotel in Klamath was 19 miles on either side of the nearest food and we went hungry. It was a grueling night, with Judith finally ending up screaming and making all her usual threats.
11-4 pm everything was super duper. Then everything was super shitty except making love which was incredible â€“ excelling. [Made hot sex on freeway turn-out in bucket seat.]
A bright spot in the midst of all this was that we had an incredible lovemaking session. I donâ€™t know if I ever fucked her so well: I was fantasizing that I was her â€˜next manâ€™ in Amsterdam. She loved the sex but when she hassled me to know the thoughts she had sensed me thinking, and when she found out what I fantasized, I think it bothered her on a subconscious level.
Even through we were dead tired, the fighting went on until the wee hours of the morning. We â€œmade up.â€ â€“ i.e. she forgave me enough to hold on to me â€“ forgave me for the crimes she imagined.
Among the 2nd grove of redwoods that we visited, I let out a serious of yells in commemoration of Taylor asking me, or rather, inviting me on his boat ICHI for future voyages. Judith was disturbed, so I told her to go on and Iâ€™d follow, and I let out a long love cry, an insect among humans, a human among the cathedral of redwoods, the afternoon sun filtering through the trunk-like branches. My cry echoed through the canopy, and as if united by my thoughts, the cry carried into the future and to imaginary and real future ports, which I might see with my friends.
January 13, 1985
** A much better day. We made it to San Francisco. We took a walk in one of the redwood groves along 101. It was pathetic to realize how little was left of a once
January 14, 1985
*** As I expected I was able to meet with Dad today. As I expected, he offered me work. He offered me $12 hr. Which is more than I expected. We went to his house and had a talk. Our meeting began at 2:30 pm at the office and lasted until 1 am. We had a lot of beers starting at about 6:30 pm (having arrived at 165 Lake Dr. at about 5 pm). We talked about a lot of things. He seemed to consider me quite a ladyâ€™s man, offering me respects such as admitting I have more experience than heâ€™s ever had, and he said at one point that I had lived a lifetime in my short one. We talked about Donna (about her not being married) and Dad cried, calling himself â€œa failureâ€ (as a Father). [Now warming car up in San Bruno.]
I came around the table and comforted him, telling him, he wasnâ€™t a failure as a father. All in all, it was a smooth visit, one thing Iâ€™m sure we were both glad of. I drove home, and I found Judith in bed, distressed at my late arrival. She was in the dark, brooding. In review, I only surmise we made love and I slept downstairs.
January 15, 1985
**** â€˜10:08 pm: I am tired and signing off. My approach is â€œDonâ€™t try to get anything done.â€ I called Mandy. She changed to her auntâ€™s in S.F. and was not home (for a few days). I called Pam â€“ no answer. Did it 4 times during day before Gam got home.â€™
Today my dear Grandmother went in for her operation in which they removed a blockage in her eye near her retina with a laser beam. Judith was sick and I was busy about. I prepared the meatballs aunt Betty made for Gamâ€™s dinner. It will be my task for the next few days to take care of her meals.
January 16, 1985
* Wed. Talked with Mike Hill who said that he would see me next Monday. I (N.B. he wanted to know if Iâ€™d completed my MBA and he said he wanted to talk about my goals.) was busy around. Gam took coffee in the morning and lunch and dinner so I was occupied with those chores a good part of the day. Judith was sick and she felt neglected because I spend so much time with Gam. Iâ€™d like to be with her but she is so negative it turns me off. She was upset first thing in the morning because I didnâ€™t show up last night â€“ I had but she was sleeping. Iâ€™m innocent and I pay. In fact, to make it up to her, I slept the 1st part of the night w/her and in doing so, I woke up with her cold!! Itâ€™s like an infirmary here.
January 17, 1985
* Thurs. Yesterday night Gam loaned me $500, so today I cashed the check and bought a new battery and cables for the Fiat. I installed them, the car started right up!!! (I used a little carburetor spray after the initial turnover didnâ€™t work.) I was pleased that it was okay. Thrilled is a better word, for it purred nicely. The fuel pump line was leaking but Iâ€™ll fix it up tomorrow.
I came down with Judithâ€™s cold today (as a result of last night). It feels awful. Picked up dinner at Roosevelt Tamale Parlor.
January 18, 1985
*** Fri. Spent morning putting in new fuel hose and doing chores. Aunt Betty and Uncle Frank came by for Gam at 1 pm. Judith and I started making it but I stopped, saying I felt â€œinsecureâ€ and this resulted in a big emotional outburst from Judith. She sobbed uncontrollably and if all this seems inexplicable, then Iâ€™ve properly described it (unless one allows the rather hardened cynical view of my skeptical side which says that it was because I got started and left her insatiate!)
I went to Dr. Shensonâ€™s for my check up. I think his nurse Mary (about 41) liked me physically. It all went smooth. The old doc has been treating this family for years. Heâ€™s Dadâ€™s doctor. (Dad is footing the bill.)
I shopped and bought this diary. Gam had dinner over Aunt Bettyâ€™s and Donna came over to be with Judith and I, only tension was very high and Donna ultimately just left a note while Judith and I hashed out our differences in the back room.
I picked up 2 clutch cables, one for a spare, because I know how the Fiat can break them.
(Juâ€™s.) Record shows we made 4 times today, but one must have been the aborted mission, so it must have been 1 in the morning (or 2) and (1 or) 2 in the night.
January 18th, 1985
Past midnight. I just made love to Judith twice, both times were excellent. I subscribe to the theory that to â€˜let yourself goâ€™ while making love is the avenue of giving love â€“ is the way to pleasing oneself â€“ and pleasing yourself is requisite to the others pleasure. A woman canâ€™t enjoy herself if sheâ€™s wondering what the man is â€œthinking.â€ If heâ€™s obviously just â€˜feelingâ€™ then she can be free to enjoy it. Besides, when I â€˜use her bodyâ€™ to my delight (touching, biting, licking, sucking, grabbing, fucking anyway I like), it frees my passion â€“ it turns me on.
January 19th, 1985
* (1/2) I put in the clutch cable in the morning, and I cleaned up the Fiat and made appropriate organization. Dad brought by the slide gear and we had a short chart. I told him I was meeting Mike Hill Monday and Mike Shea Tuesday.
Iâ€™ve been getting up in order to have coffee prepared for Gam at about 8 am. This morning she came to the breakfast table (sheâ€™s been taking her coffee in bed previously.
And the new philosophy with Judith is not to cater to her; to do what I want. Iâ€™ll be happier, treat her better, sheâ€™ll then be happier.
January 20th, 1985
*** Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday. Gam went to watch the game at Aunt Bettyâ€™s. Judith and I fucked around before breakfast but Gam called us to come. tremendous forest. Actually we stopped in two places: Avenue of the Giants.
We were friends, but diary, you know how Judith carries on about problems all the time. It was good to get home and be able to get some rest.
(The 49ers are playing the Super Bowl at Stanford today). I myself am lying in bed. My room is a disaster area. Things all over the floor. In a state of disorganization.
Judith said she had to speak with me about our inability to be alone. I admit it is not ideal. It was an undertaking to have her come here with me â€“ all in all Iâ€™m glad. (Comes to mind how awful she looked when we returned from Oregon and she met my Uncle Bob. Iâ€™m a bit embarrassed about that.) Of course, I donâ€™t expect Judith to know how to fit in. Really sheâ€™s doing fine â€“ but I donâ€™t think she realizes that it takes time.
I worked cleaning up my room and Judith wrote upstairs. I listened to the game on the radio until the last quarter when I flipped on the TV. I felt very good about my job by the time I went to bed. My room was picked up at last. Itâ€™s been such a mess.
January 21, 1985
** I went in to work at 12 noon for lunch w/ Mike Hill. After a conversation (in which we discussed the â€œterritoriality issueâ€ to our satisfaction) at lunch I went upstairs and Dad got me started pricing a Sewage Treatment Plant. Ho hum. Iâ€™m glad to be making money, and I fit right in, but I think Dad feels Iâ€™m being too formal.
In the morning I dropped Judith off at the BART Station. I arrived home tired. Dad was visiting Gra m and they told me Judith had called and said sheâ€™d walk home from BART and I could drive along and look for her if I wanted. I was thus obligated to since Gam naturally didnâ€™t want to let Judith walk home. So I searched for her but came home empty handed and minutes later she came in. I was really pissed and I heard them talking saying â€œJeffreyâ€™s just tiredâ€ and I stormed in and sternly said Iâ€™ll thank you not to talk about me behind my back! But I was of course speaking to Judith and I felt horrible when Gam thought I was speaking to them both. Anyway I was so distraught. I apologized to Gam later saying I did so from the bottom of my heart as Iâ€™d lived here for 3 years and never lost my temper. After a tense dinner I went to Gamâ€™s room and apologized again and Gam said Judith was â€œlike a spoiled childâ€ â€“ never eating and having a long fare and â€œlocking herself in her roomâ€ when she was sick. Gam said I had to make the best of it. I felt awful, but Gam seemed to understand and not to hold it against me. (Judith and I made love I think. The record shows twice today.)
January 22, 1985
As far today (Jan. 22) Iâ€™m sitting in Dr. Ayoubâ€™s office where Judith is getting examined for her gums, which suffered that terrible affliction [in] Rajasthan and seem to have receded since. On all essential points my life is fantastic; on most minor points I feel dissatisfied to one extent or the other. I have a cold and I donâ€™t have enough rest. There are too many things to do and not enough time. Sound familiar? (Western living.) I hope that I can capture the spirit of my trip after intervals of this home life. I could write all day but Iâ€™ll have only 15 minutes or so. Gabrielleâ€™s letter came yesterday. She feels something is wrong. Iâ€™ve wanted to call but when the night rolls by I no longer have the energy to call.
I started work yesterday. I hope I donâ€™t have much quoting to do. I want to avoid pressure jobs â€“ programming is more relaxed. I got a hold of Pamela King but she didnâ€™t have time to talk (yesterday). I try to call Mandy but canâ€™t find her anywhere.
* I went to work at 9 am and worked on Modesto WWTP. I brought Dad to the airport in the afternoon and I asked him if I could use his car. It was in my mind that I should try to get Dadâ€™s car before inviting Mandy out and thus came my opportunity. Overwhelmed by the lack of understanding with Judith I sought again to call Mandy today. Carol, her aunt told me to try Kathyâ€™s house, but since she didnâ€™t have Kathyâ€™s number she suggested I call Mandyâ€™s parents house and I did. I talked with her sister and she told me Janet Riley (the other aunt) had Kathyâ€™s number and I called Janet. She gave me Kathyâ€™s number and gave me some insight into Mandyâ€™s life which was basically that she has no place to live right now. Janet said Carole had said she couldnâ€™t live w/anyone 2 days after Mandy had moved in! And Mandyâ€™s mom was real angry about it. I called Kathyâ€™s but Mandy wasnâ€™t there and I left a message w/ Kathyâ€™s father. I left my work phone number.
Note: At 5 pm Mike Shea came to show me the work heâ€™d done on my program. Before we parted he said he wanted to make an album. He suggested I might sing some songs for him.
I came home after work and there was some tension at dinner â€“ this really bothers me â€“ that I have such a nice rapport w/ Gam and the tension between Judith and me is causing a disruption.
When we went to bed, Judith and I were friends but she got all pushed out of shape over â€œthe way I blinked!â€ (her way of saying over nothing.) and I wanted to fuck and did so while she had her back to me. I felt like I was fucking an inanimate object â€“ like she hated me. Sheâ€™ll usually let me fuck her even if sheâ€™s angry.
January 23, 1985
In the middle of the night I tried to get more space in the bed and Judith thought I was kicking her out so that she jumped up and went upstairs w/ so much as a goodbye. I felt again it was over nothing so I went upstairs and told her so. I was mad now. She came down and we talked even though we were both sick, tired and sleepy. I finally got through to her my point: that since Klamath (Jan. 12) she has been protecting her feelings by not putting out her heart. She finally realized this and all of a sudden I â€œknewâ€ everything was better. It was as if an ocean was pouring into an empty valley. I felt I was being filled up with her love.
She seemed miraculously better. I felt a tremendous feeling from her, which I had forgotten I could feel. She asked me to give her a day and she would be all right. She said not only was Klamath traumatic but that she felt that the other times she was most happy the same thing happened that I destroyed it. (She missed the point that she perceived it that way and â€œtook the ball and ran with it.â€ That is, she could have looked at those situations differently â€“ when she closes up thatâ€™s when the trouble starts (or really gets going.))
She went upstairs and we each slept a bit more. Actually, I couldnâ€™t sleep and I got up at 6 am and sorted through the papers I have in stacks. It was great. I sorted through the letters and I found some souvenir money, I recovered all the stray photos and all the moments I had stored away in the interleaves of pamphlets, etc.
I went to work at 9 am and felt a bit exhausted. Guess who calls but Mandy!! I had a nice chat with her. She is really something. I told her that Iâ€™d call her at 5 and we got off the phone after about a 30+ minute conversation.
I priced up the WWTP and later Mike showed me how to use the Super Calculator. I waited all day for a call from Dad so I could discuss the WWTP prices but I never got a call from him. (I called Mandy actually much before 5 pm. Judith had called me about 12:30 with the news that she was going over to Peggyâ€™s after she got off work. I called Mandy about 20m since I had the night off from Judith and Dadâ€™s car I decided to try and see Mandy. Mandy agreed and told me to pick her up at Lyleâ€™s house (the guitarist) at 8 pm. She had told me earlier how she was offered $30K a year for a 7-year contract about 4 days ago and sheâ€™d refused. I didnâ€™t know exactly how to take her stories though I believe her because she is basically honest in her dealings with me I think.)
After work I went to Dadâ€™s house and took a nap. Helen came home and I ate some dinner and had some beers and then went to Mandyâ€™s.
She had shorter hair, walking out to meet me sitting in the car. But the same beautiful girl. My oh my but she is a fox.
We drove along El Camino (South) from 12 Spruce in Millbrae where Lyle lives. She said she had a tape and we could listen to it but it was at Lyleâ€™s. I was just turning around but since we were near Tomâ€™s house. I drove by and saw his car was there. I drove to a phone, called him and asked him if I could see him a minute, I had a friend who claimed she was one of the hottest hard rock female vocalists in the Bay Area. Tom had answered the phone â€œThis better be good Shea!â€ as if I had interrupted sex with his girlfriend who was there with him.
He didnâ€™t want to see me but said okay. Mandy didnâ€™t want to come in but did. Tom acted weird: rolling his eyes, looking disgusted, generally being sort of spaced out, but he maintained some of his old friendly persona. He gave me a free ticket to his gig at Keystone Palo Alto. He said he had interest from Giffen, a subsidiary of RCA (or was it Warner Bros? Yes.) We all agreed that Mandyâ€™s offer was no good. I noted that Tomâ€™s girlfriend who I had though looked so good at my party now dimmed in comparison to Mandy. I donâ€™t know Tomâ€™s thoughts but despite himself I could have sworn he looked at me a few times as if to say: Where did you find her? He even asked me if Judith was still around! I said no and then I felt I should be truthful. Well, actually she is. I know Mandy knew that meant another girl but Iâ€™m not sure she understood the situation. (She passed a causal mention later.)
Tom said heâ€™d like to see me but to call beforehand next time. Fair enough.
On the way to get the tape, Mandy checked my age on my driveâ€™s license and found out I was a Cancer. She was shocked. When I met her 2+ years ago, she had guessed: Youâ€™re a Leo arenâ€™t you and I had gone along with her. She said sheâ€™d have to change her whole outlook towards me. Anyway, I discovered she was only 17 at the time and not 18.
We got the tape and drove up to my Fiat parked in front of Dadâ€™s house. We drove down to the old spot where Monterey goes into the game reserve and I drank vodka and OJ and she her wine cooler and put on her tape. I was floored. I mean: the music was real hard, the tape was crude â€“ but I could hardly believe that was beautiful Mandy there singing so hard and good and beautiful. She was fairly sensational. She has the makings of a star.
Some police came but they were nice and we moved and went around in the Fiat. I got some gas and we drove around. She suggested we go to the office (like we did on our last day 2+ years ago) and we went to Dadâ€™s. Helen gave me the keys. She was wondering what the hell was going on and I said â€œHelen if I have to explain all the intricacies of my personal life to you then this is a discussion that should be saved for a time when we have more time.â€
Mandy and I went to the office. I was Â½ gassed. Iâ€™d had 2 beers, wine at Tomâ€™s and screwdrivers. Mandy found her way in the dark to the same spot on the brown carpeting as 2+ years ago. I had touched her hair in the car but not kissed yet. After some time sitting there, I had restrained myself long enough. I went in for a dramatic kiss, which only served to bruise her face w/ my bristles and she avoided it and said no. I said whatâ€™s the problem and she complained I did it too rough. Eventually I was making out with her. Â½ force on my side, Â½ compliance on her side. God, do I ever love kissing your girl Mandy! My oh my!
When I tried to get to her breasts she continually not wanted it. But if I was clandestine about it and rubbed them with my forearm then she would not mind at all and I told her verbally this characteristic in herself. We actually got into an intimate conversation, I felt her legs and I generally caressed her body, put my head on her bare tummy and grabbed her crotch (on which point she bated me away). We talked about sex and she admitted she gets horny and sometimes she wishes she wasnâ€™t a virgin. (I never know for sure on this point I have to believe her because sheâ€™s so believable, but Iâ€™ve become too skeptical of girls and their ability to shape the truth to their manâ€™s ears.) I supported her virginity and said how valuable her love will be to the man she finally gives it to â€“ in a world where everyoneâ€™s changing loyalties, etc. I (about 90%) believe this. We just about fell asleep on the floor. Itâ€™s too bad that I didnâ€™t have a blanket or a bed. She earlier asked if I had a place to go to but when I said I was staying at a house she didnâ€™t want to go there envisioning, â€œsome guy walking around.â€
I felt if I had an apartment she wouldâ€™ve gone there, glad to get out of an office. She had also told me when we went out sheâ€™d like to go someplace. I agreed. And sheâ€™s pretty much off drinking though she admits she still wants it.
I told her how it was difficult for me to go on the sailboat thinking maybe Iâ€™d never see her again â€“ like I said, the whole thing was intimate. She told me how at one time she was going to give up her virginity (before she met me) but decided against it. I noticed a difference in her terminology â€“ before she used to say Never until Iâ€™m married now she said Never until Iâ€™m married or in love.
At one point I was making out pretty heavily with her kissing and my hard-on against her, rubbing it. I was figuring she had to be feeling turned on. My god!
We must have been almost asleep, cold, on the floor when I decided to stop pawing her and take her home. I dropped her off and she hardly would look at me. I said are you embarrassed to kiss me goodnight. She said no and I gave her 2 quick kisses and she dashed off.
I was driving the Fiat so I just buzzed home. It was much to late to bother Judith, so I just went to sleep.
January 24, 1985
Thursday. Judith and I had planned today to go off to Muir Woods, but I was sort of obligated to go in to work to quote the WWIP to everyone. Judith understood and I went down there, coming back at noon. Judith fixed me some lunch (!) and then we got in the car. I picked up some prints of New Guinea at Nevellâ€™s. I really was pleased with these photos. â€œThe Widowâ€ with her beads and â€œthe Bank Employeesâ€ with their traditional dress in a bank. They lived up to my expectations.
We drove across the Golden Gate Bridge and to Muir Woods. We walked for a few hours through redwood forests and up to the Manzanita slopes. On the way back we stopped at Muir Beach where icy winds swept through our bones. A 2nd time today Judith held my penis while I urinated. Itâ€™s nice for her to see what it is like for a man. She waves it back and forth (The First time she did it â€“ at my momâ€™s place in Oregon â€“ she hit a book on the toilet. The 2nd time â€“ out in the snow â€“ she hit my shoes. At least sheâ€™s improving!)
We stopped off at the Zen Center at Green Gulch Farm. Iâ€™ve driven by (3 times maybe) before but never went in. We found out a bit about their â€œcommunity of 30 people.â€
We drove home. Arrived about 7 pm. When we went to bed down in my room we made such fantastic loving. It was full of love and tender feelings. She was on top a good deal of the time. I kissed her breasts and they slapped my face. (They have gotten bigger recently.) It was so good seeing her bouncing on me â€“ her hair bouncing, her body, her tits. I concentrated on the fact I was with Judith â€“ not just a pretty body â€“ but my love, my friend. (It was as if she had overcome her withdrawal.)
During the lovemaking the bed was creaking so we put the mattress and box spring on the floor. It still creaked so we put just the mattress on the floor. That was much better. The covers need to be replaced. I need something that wonâ€™t fall off the bed.
I dare say that todayâ€™s entry would be hopelessly incomplete without mentioning that I received the reply from Sun â€“ Judithâ€™s friend â€“ covering Green Hanab. What a fantastic answer. I really mean that literally.
I was amazed at the near miracle decipher that Sun did through the medium of her deceased brother, a reincarnation of St. John. Hanab is a sound vibration, especially the A, which is connected to the lower physical aspects of being on earth. Green is a heart vibration, which is the positive side of Hanab. â€œHanab is in this case connected with selfish love; Green with unconditional love. The guesthouses of Green Hanab are the guesthouses of love. A museum is a place where precious things are collected. Guests are attracted to that museum. Jeff thinks the museum, his sexuality, is a precious thing. It keeps many womenâ€™s minds occupied. The guest house is the green part of him; the museum is the Hanab part of him.â€
Sun wrote in a cover letter: â€œFor the short moment I saw you at Schipol (airport) I felt the green quality in you. I think out of fear you forget it any times and cling to the seemingly safety of Hanab. St. John is clear in this: It is not meant for you to go down in that.â€
The communication between Sun and St. John was 2Â½ type written pages. At the end, she asked â€“ is there anything more you want to tell Jeff now?â€
St. John, your real quality is your green quality. You have it in you. Pay attention to that. Trust yourself and send away all negative wishes.
Judith was so thrilled at the message. When she made love to me she made love to Green.
January 25th, 1985
**: Friday. In the morning I said goodbye to Ju. (She had come to my room in the morning with the news that she was feeling sick again.) Judith seduced me. I felt uptight cause I had to go, but I wanted not to pass up an opportunity to make love. We made it but by the time we were done I felt tense in the chest. I was going to be late an hour past the time Iâ€™d called in to say Iâ€™d be there.
(i.e. said: 9 am originally â€“ 10 am on the call â€“ 11 am actual.)
I arrived at 11 am to work. Mandy called almost straight away for her tape. We had a good talk. She is leaving Kathyâ€™s and going to Nadiaâ€™s, a good friend of her motherâ€™s, for a few days. Sheâ€™s probably going to move in with the guitarist (and his girlfriend) Lyle at his grandmotherâ€™s house.
I asked her if she hated me and she said no (of course not). She said that she was the one, who, if anybody, was the one who, in the past, has acted like Miss Drunk and made a fool of herself.
I told her that in the future Iâ€™d also like not to sit in the car but to go out and do stuff. She agreed and she also said about getting in earlier â€“ that we should have the strength to get in at 11:30 because itâ€™s not healthy to stay out so late. I agreed.
She wanted her tape, said that the guys in the band were really distressed that she had left the tape with me afraid I was going to steal their music.
I priced up the finished goods inventory. At 2:30 pm I dropped off Mandyâ€™s tape. She came out of the house in a white blouse and a belt that I thought was old fashioned but later found out was the latest thing. She, as usual, could barely look at me and was embarrassed about some imaginary onlookers (she didnâ€™t say this) or some such thing. We made it short. She asked for her earring and I said it was at my home. She seemed disappointed. I asked if she was going to Lyleâ€™s (I had cleaned out the funky plastic tray in Dadâ€™s car in case she wanted a ride) but she wasnâ€™t.
Before I left work I â€œtook offâ€ a small job and left it on Dadâ€™s desk. Then I went to Bank of America airport branch and cashed a $100 advance. Then I went to pick Dad up. He was happy that I came to get him. (Did you think weâ€™d let you take the bus?) He told me about his trip. When I let him off at my car, he said: â€œSay hello to Gam, Donna and â€¦? (Judith!) Judith. Is she still going back on the 31st? â€œNo! A few more weeks.â€ Youâ€™re never gonna get rid of her!! He laughing parted. â€œI gave her a date.â€ (Maybe I donâ€™t want to ever get â€œrid of her!â€) You know, diary, how Dad jokes.
When I got home, Donna had brought dinner over and the three favorite girls of my life were commencing with dinner. It was a fabulous meal! For the first time since Iâ€™ve been home, I felt great talking about my adventures. First of all I had a few glasses of wine, a female captive audience and they (my Gram and sis) are really good listeners. I talked about New Guinea, about the people and the fear I sometimes felt for my life. (Amongst other things. I also talked about The Congo, I knew â€“ Armand Denis 1935 – about the pygmies eating the elephants and the dancing supreme.)
My sis didnâ€™t leave til late (about 11 pm.) Judith came down. She was very tired. We made love. I think we were trying to duplicate our experience of last night.Iâ€™m still not caught up on my diary!! Now Iâ€™m sitting in Dadâ€™s car at the airport waiting for him to arrive.
January 26th, 1985
Judith prepared breakfast while I washed Jeffâ€™s car. She wanted to go walking in the woods and I felt as if I really wanted to stay home and do my things â€“ I have a lot of interesting things to do, such as this writing.
So I suggested we look at the weekend as a whole and I wanted to have 4 hours to write and 2 hours to go through my stuff and if I had that I was happy.
We drove to Crystal Springs. We went along Sawyer Camp Trail. 10 years ago it was called a Road.
Now that they pave it they call it a trail and erect monuments to those whose effort, made this place possible. I found it quite satisfactory (more, to be sure) as a child â€“ a boy â€“ when I used to frequent the spot.
I recited, from the road which roses the end of the reservoir, my poem:
I walked along a pebbled road
I stopped to take in what I saw
And though I knew the land was old.
It seemed so fresh I stood in awe.
The land with trees so beautifully vast.
This way the land had always been.
So often this spot I had passed
But this the first time I had seen.
I stayed until the day turned dusk
I didnâ€™t want to leave it now.
But then, thought I, I really must
The rushing time will now allow
And did my walk
Then home and I went to accept my fate
And as for them I told them not
The real reason I was late
Night. I slept and mom I woke
And did my work as I had learned.
Then, to this spot of where Iâ€™ve told,
I walked, for there I must return.
I walked along a pebbled road.
I stopped to take in what I was
And though I know this land is old
It seems so fresh I stand in awe.
Which I wrote when I was about 14 or 15 (Mr. Faulknerâ€™s English class.)
She had me recite it a second time.
We walked down the road then off the road. We made love lying on our coats. I filled my boyhood fantasies of making love there. I was reminded of Beth? The girl I met in my first year of college. I think I kissed her goodbye once. I took her there with me. As far as I ever got was wanting it.
I looked at Ju. As if I had come across her in the forest and she wanted to make love.
Lately Iâ€™ve been feeling like Iâ€™m falling out of love with her. She was telling me her insecurities and when I laughed (when she was saying how she would feel my love opening up when she got on top of me) she became withdrawn. So I told her â€œlook I donâ€™t like you anymore anyway so thereâ€™s nothing to worry about, so we can be friends.â€ I hugged her and tried to be lighthearted imitating her long face. In an effort to get it all out and get it over with we challenged each other to a fight. We took off our jackets and began wrestling. Judith took fall after fall and kept coming up for more as people occasionally walked, ran or cycled by.
When we were finished we looked each other in the eyes for a while. I turned off my mind and observed the orange yellow glare of the sun penetrating our visages with deep softness, our beings here on this forested plant hurling somewhere unknown in this mysterious universe.
Consider this the â€œinventionâ€ of a practical tool for our relationship.
She loves it and so do I. So whenever the urge overcomes us we can pick a physical fight with the other. If she says something that perturbs me I can fight lightheartedly about it.
We drove down Millbrae Ave and by my old house on Monica. We picked up the slide projector from Dad at the office. He was his usual gracious self.
We got home and had a kielbasa noodle salad dinner with Gam. We cleaned up, and took an 1Â½ hour break from each other. At 10:30 pm we went out to Bajoneâ€™s to dance. We were really disappointed with the band. The last straw was seeing some guy in his Super Bowl XIX T-Shirt rolling his head around like he was orgasming with his girlfriend while they slow danced â€“ then step back snap his fingers and swing â€“ and I decided I didnâ€™t want to be there, not a happening scene.
We drove to Rock on Broadway where a 5-piece band finished their set. Both enjoyable and impressive, but at times a bit clumsy and I felt pretentious and the music strictly show was not very unusual.
We play fought a bit there too. We watched some break dancers in front of Carol Dodasâ€™s (2 Latinâ€™s and a black â€“ all young) â€“ not asking for money or anything. Very cool. The best entertainment we saw all night â€“ and they werenâ€™t doing anything too energetic (I believe itâ€™s called the moonwalk â€“ one of their steps).
When we got back we went to bed and lay together. I felt she was apprehensive. Earlier sheâ€™d said her vagina was sore and maybe sheâ€™d not want to make love. So I felt accepting and said look, if you donâ€™t want to make love, then relax, we donâ€™t have to, I would still like to lay here with you. When it became apparent she didnâ€™t want to I said â€œAll I ask is that you tell me two things,
1) If you donâ€™t and
2) Why not. She said she didnâ€™t and she said because her vagina was sore.
I passed. After I said â€œCan I rub up against you and get off? She said Yes. I said why arenâ€™t you kissing me? You donâ€™t have to, but is it because you donâ€™t want to or is it because you are afraid to turn me on. She said she didnâ€™t want to frustrate me. I reassured her she wouldnâ€™t. We started kissing slowly. I was very conscious of whether or not I would be upset if she wanted to stop and I decide that I would accept it if she didnâ€™t want to.
At this point I have to make a discussion of the causes of this interaction. I was at this point feeling very loving and it had its corresponding positive effect. It all relates back to who I am: Green Hanab. Now we green side is out I have been thinking a lot about the term St. John used: â€œUnconditional love.â€ What does that mean? If a person loves unconditionally then the loved feels secure. (Gam loves unconditionally). If Judith says she doesnâ€™t want to make love with me then if I love her unconditionally I will respect that wish. For if I loved conditionally I might say if you fuck me I will love you and if you donâ€™t do what I want I will pull my love away. (A worthless love it would seem!) But that does not mean I canâ€™t ask about her reason and even to question the motives of disincentives affecting her attitude. Clearly, if Judith feels free to tell me she doesnâ€™t want sex and if I comfort her and give my love, then she can relax about that issue (which from past experience she would believe would upset me and enjoy my company. Thus leading to the inevitable instincts she has which results in lovemaking after all (which was the case here.)
As she kissed me and as I kept my equilibrium by not expecting more than I had, she became intensely excited. Likewise, it all felt so sweet and I felt so good about myself and no guilt because of my attitude, then I became very excited as well.
She took the tip of my penis in her left hand and directed its movement against her clit then grabbed it with both hands and used it as she liked while I pushed it lightly up against her repeatedly. She inserted it once into her hot little hole then out again for more of the same. [At this point in the writing I was getting very horny. Judith walked in and we made hot love.]
I was eager, of course, to put it in, but I restrained myself so that she would feel good and we could have the best time â€“ and it is exciting to have her hold me like that. I actually enjoyed it a lot. It turned me on to watch her and think of how exciting it must be for her to control a penis like that. Finally, she shoved it in her and I made sweet love to her. She had her legs together in the beginning and at the end. I felt so incredibly turned on. Really diary, there was so much love and acceptance. I had my orgasm and then she got herself off with her left hand while I held her close. We fell asleep. It must heave been 5 pm.
January 27, 1985
Itâ€™s 7 pm. The development of things with Judith should be recorded. The effect to the deciphering of Green Hanab is rather wonderful.
Right now, Gam is just finished reading Sallyâ€™s Suzies and Bob Flyntâ€™s cards, and Aunt Eleenâ€™s. Now sheâ€™s reading Judithâ€™s cards. She says she has very lucky, happy cards.
When we woke up we did so slowly. The sunlight beamed in softer white. Naked. We talked about how incredible last night was. I talked about all I learned last night. About how being prepared to accept actions of the other w/o resentment. [Unconditional love].
The conversation went just a wee bit awry, touching on sensitive issues. But it was, wholly, good. I admitted I had not had the right attitude for some time and that I caused her reactions, that once those reactions where caused that it kept me in the wrong attitude because I didnâ€™t have the strength to be right â€“ and until I treated her right I would not get the love that I craved. (A viscous circle). However, I pointed out, though I was at fault, she could have helped me â€“ that at those times my attitude goes bad that I need guidance. She asked me what she could have done. I told her 3 basic things:
1) Be unafraid to Confront Me
2) Be totally honest with me
3) Be firm and stern in your friendliness
She asked me for examples.
I said how in Crescent City when I asked if she enjoyed sex with Hank that she should have told me like it was. That she liked it a lot â€“ that they had a special love â€“ and nevertheless that he had nothing to do with us â€“ that I (Jeff) am her treasure, her special love, her greatest love.
She asked me for another e.g. and I said if we went out with another couple and if the man was particularly attractive and charismatic that if I became jealous and later asked if she liked him, that she should say like: â€œYes, I thought he was attractive. I liked him but that does not mean that I want to sleep with him. You are my man. It is you who I am in love with and loyal to.â€ Or something of the sort.
Judith went upstairs and I wrote in this diary. Later Judith came down to write in my room. She came to kiss me. As we kissed I said â€œDo you want to fuck.â€ (Lest you think I am insensitive â€“ I remind you dairy Judith once told me she thought it was romantic to ask.) She said she didnâ€™t. When I asked why she said because she didnâ€™t feel comfortable about my Grandmother. We both realized and she admitted at this point that she was always coming up with some sort of excuse. I said it was all right, that if she didnâ€™t want to she should just go and write. She said she wanted to lie down and kiss but not to make love. I replied she should just write because her attitude turned me off. She went and wrote for a minute, then she wanted to come into bed. She lay down and I wrote for a minute and then she wanted to talk. She asked why I had time to make love but not to just lay next to her. I explained how if I lay next to her that naturally we would want to kiss and that she was shutting herself off to her natural instincts. I said I didnâ€™t understand why that was.
Earlier, in our first discussion of the day, she had related how lately making love had left her feeling emptied more and more so as we did it. This description of emptiness is an interesting one. Her saying she didnâ€™t want to make it with me created and emptiness in me, and to combat this emptiness, or better say the potential emptiness, I had to have love and understanding.
Now she admitted that she has been causing problems lately. I told her that I thought I could fill the emptiness. I may cause her, but I thought she must surely must have emptiness left over from past relationships, because, I explained, I felt totally positive towards her and last night I was feeling whole, filled. Therefore, if I was whole, I could treat her perfectly well, so why should she have gone from a super mood this morning into a state of confusion and feeling empted. She agreed that she probably did carry over things from past relationships.
She admitted that I am giving her lots of love and that she should feel okay. She said she was depressed and confused. She knew she was fucked up. She knew I was okay. She said she though in order to get herself together that sheâ€™d have to go away from me for awhile, I said Great! I ask you to make love with me and you say you have to leave â€“ itâ€™s always the same with you. Ok. If you have to go away then go. Do what you have to do to make things better.
She asked me what I though she should do. I said I thought she shouldnâ€™t be so rough on herself. I said, after all, I had been treating her wrong sometime now and my attitude has only been right a few days now and she should wait til tomorrow to call Sun, (Because she was going to have Sun ask St. John what was wrong), give herself a chance to recover. (Back in my arms.) She said she was jealous of me â€“ of my newfound understanding I suppose I told her she shouldnâ€™t be because within a few days sheâ€™d be feeling the same way as me. I told her to take heart. I said everything is okay. Really, youâ€™ve got everything to be happy for.
In a few minutes, these simple magic words had the effect. She began kissing me and pulled down her pants and we took off our tops. We caressed each other. I got tremendously turned on. I must at this point note, diary, the tremendous importance of unconditional love. And the good vibes it brings to my sexual response. In the past I have had to fantasize and all that comes with insecurity. But our interaction now and last night was so intimate and â€œrightâ€ that I felt naturally turned on in a way Iâ€™m not really accustomed to (though I canâ€™t deny I feel naturally turned on, this had a special intensity and relaxation to it). Iâ€™m talking ideal.
Now Judith and I caressed each other. She took hold of my penis and I never enjoyed a womanâ€™s touch so much. I felt her vagina â€“ it was only moments after, weâ€™d begun and she was very wet. I slid my finger inside of her and ran it back and forth on her clit. We alternately kissed and said what was on our minds. I told her, youâ€™ve done more for me than any woman! She said Really?!? I thought I was a burden! No! I mean it. (Positive interchange.)
As we carried on I fingered her. I had 3 distinct sets of sensation. 1st was a gliding back and forth. After 10 minutes of her growing more steadily red in the face and squirming and virtually thrashing, she seemed to reach a peak. 2nd, was almost as if my fingernail was pinching her hard clitoris again she seemed to reach a peak. 3rd her clit seemed to withdraw and spread out and I had to press my (middle â€“[always]) fingertip straight in and massage the area. She seemed after a time to have a great relaxation come about. I then fucked her tightly for a few minutes and came. She told me afterwards, that â€œYou got me off!â€ I was so happy! It was the first time I ever got her off and it was the first time I ever got a woman off with my fingers!
After this tremendous experience, we were lying there and I though we ought not to stay longer. Judith talked and asked questions and so we were lying there when Gam stood outside my door and said â€œJeffery can I come in?â€ Ensued us running around for about a full minute putting on our clothes. I called â€œIâ€™m in the bathroom.â€ When I put Judith in the bathroom and opened the door, Gam was standing outside. She asked if I was all right because she had not seen me all day. I said I had chosen to write and so Iâ€™d stayed in my room.
It was quite an embarrassing situation. Judith went upstairs and put on a dress because Uncle Bob was coming over. Uncle Bob, Aunt Eileen, Suzie w/ boyfriend, Bob Flynt and Sally came in. Sally came in first and gave me a warm welcome. They stayed for a while and then took Gam out to dinner at Original Joeâ€™s. Judith and I didnâ€™t take long in getting around to my bed again and make excellent loving there. She was really hot to go and so was I. She rode on top of me, a good while, my penis felt as erect as iron, and then I got on top of her, then she again assumed the position, then I got on and I sort of came but tried to hold back. It spurted semen and we stopped loving for a while until I again got excited; then we fucked more until I came completely.
I went to take a shower, but Judith stayed in bed. I felt funny about her staying in bed, but I decided to let her. She wanted to keep me there too but I figured if she loved me unconditionally, then I could do what I pleased w/o fear of her getting angry.
I took my shower, and to my surprise, I heard them all coming in the door. I had no clothes on and I had entered the bathroom naked, so I had not clothes with me. Bob Flynt tried to use the toilet but, finding it occupied, he went downstairs. Finding Judith in bed he came back upstairs and said â€œSomeoneâ€™s sleeping downstairs!â€ and I heard Gam reply â€œJust use the upstairs toilet!â€ to which he responded â€œBut thereâ€™s someone talking a shower.â€
I heard everyone laughing and had to walk by them with just a towel wrapped around me. I went downstairs and told Judith they were all laughing about us being caught. I heard the dishwater being turned on and I knew Aunt Eileen was doing the dishes, so I rushed up to help and she said: Itâ€™s not my place to say anything but itâ€™s not very nice for Gammy to come home to a dirty kitchen.â€ Sally and I ended up doing the rest.
Gam read cards of everyone. On Judithâ€™s, I note she said:
â€œYou will be traveling with a light-haired young man.â€ This bothered me.
When they all left, Judith and I cleaned up and did our own things for a while. [N.B. I should mention I called Pamela and talked to her about 20 or 25 minutes. It was a productive conversation. Her father died Oct 16 last year. She broke up with her boyfriend last Friday. I told her a little about Green Hanab.]
At bedtime, she came down and we made gorgeous love together again!
It has been a day of love. Of closeness and beauty. Of outrageously good sex. I feel as if St. Johnâ€™s message holds so true.
And the sex is infinitely better when unconditional love flows through the people involved.
January 28, 1985
I went downstairs and Judith sobbed and I tried to reassure her. She and I drove to her theater workshop where I dropped her off. I went home again.
The night was long. When Gam got home, we had a long talk on the sofa. She told me her complaints about Judith: too little concern for those she was staying with, finicky about her food, staying in bed all the time, being unhappy. I reassured Gam that I wasnâ€™t going to marry Judith. Gam seemed to think Judith wasnâ€™t my type.
January 29, 1985
I stayed home. Swept and cleared the garage and the closet adjacent to my room.
Gary and I went to dinner â€“ on his expense account â€“ at Fookâ€™s. We went to Jeffâ€™s and reviewed slides. I am disturbed by Jeffâ€™s fatness and I am disturbed by him asking â€œHave we (Gary and I) changed?â€ And by his proclamation that heâ€™s changed a lot of his opinions.
On the walk home (I dropped off Jeffâ€™s Pinto) I felt terrible because Judith called Jeffâ€™s and didnâ€™t feel she could see me. I got home. Mom was there. â€œHow are you?!â€ â€œIt didnâ€™t have to be like this mom! It was unnecessary!â€ Mom tried to put it on me. Well youâ€™re the one who told her to leave!â€ Now, that is how unreasonable she can be â€“ thatâ€™s the last thing I wanted!! Mom.
Gam (when mom had left) talked with me. She said you have to understand Jeffery. Judith leaving in that way is the last thing I ever wanted.
I called Judith at Peggyâ€™s and we talked. I told her how strong my love was for her – how all this had made me clear about my feelings for her â€“ how it had strengthened my feelings.
January 30, 1985
I went to work. I dragged my ass. I felt awful. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I couldnâ€™t wait to see Judith.
When I finally saw her it was super wonderful. I picked her up at Peggyâ€™s. We stayed there kissing for a time as Peggy was gone. We were so in love.
We drove to Donnaâ€™s. Donna welcomed us. I gave Donna a Nagaland shawl. Donna directed the preparation of a bread â€“ pizza which was fantastic. We had an interesting talk over dinner.
First I described how I had eaten at Gamâ€™s earlier this evening and Donald was there. Gam started singing Slovenian songs and uncle Don started crying and saying how wonderful I was. He got out of his chair and hugged me and he even kissed me with his stubbly face. He got up 3 or 4 times and repeated this! It was all a bit embarrassing (and I started fearing he was enjoying the contact.) Gam buried her face in her hands. Donald was saying Oh I love you. Itâ€™s so good to have you back safe and sound. But it was still a nice gesture, and I thanked him for his kind words. His warmth sort of broke up the atmosphere and game and I felt more relaxed afterwards.
So I was telling this to Donna and Judith. I asked Donna who started the story about Uncle Don being gay. She said heâ€™d told Mom, Uncle Bob had made allusions to it, and she related a story about how she herself had found a metal-studded leather wristlet and a â€œchainâ€ (some sort of decoration) in his car. She said: â€œI thought he was gay but oh-my-God, I didnâ€™t realize Uncle Don was a leather boy!!â€
But the most interesting part of the whole talk was the news about Mom (and Dad). I had asked if she knew why they broke up (24 years ago). She said the usual: because they didnâ€™t get along, etc, but she added that she didnâ€™t know if it was the cause but it was probably a continuing factor that she said: Do you remember Bob and Stella Powers? [Me: Yes.] Well, they were swingers. One time I walked in the living room in the morning and found Mom and Bob Powers on the sofa together sleeping, like they had failed to get up in time. I assumed Dad and Stella Powers were in the bedroom. And during Dad and Momâ€™s separation, Mom was seeing Bob Powers.
This is the most revolutionary information for me. It rocks the foundation of my perception of Mom (and Dad. All those years I believed they were so righteous and holy and here they got a divorce around the same time that they were swinging!! And Mom â€“ I always thought she was so holy â€“ only 3 men in her whole life! What a fool Iâ€™ve been!
Now diary, I want to note some very important connections. There were only 2 dreams I remember from my childhood – and both of them were related to Bob and Stella Powers!!!!
1) Falling off the Pacific telephone building: Bob and Stella had a son and a daughter, Nicki and Vicki, I believe. Vicki and I (interestingly enough, considering her parentâ€™s sexual attitude) had made a deal one day. I would examine her butt today in consideration of her being able to examine mine tomorrow at Coyote Point. I had her on her stomach, butt in the air, a small mole on it, spreading her cheeks apart when Dad knocked on the door. What are you doing in there?
I had to open the door. He sat me down on the counter in the kitchen and wanted the truth, which I refused to divulge! He threatened me that if I didnâ€™t tell him the truth he would take me to the FBI and they would put me on a lie detector test. I still refused to talk. He actually brought me down to the Pacific Telephone building and we sat in the car. The exterior was one solid wall of a dark green-gray marble (or something like) with an emblem carved near the top. He said that it was the FBI building and threatened to bring me inside. I told him the truth. He probably laughed â€“ anyway he wasnâ€™t mad at me â€“ I remember that. He just told me not to lock myself in like that and to tell the truth in the future. Perhaps for him an innocuous outcome.
Unfortunately I had a recurring dream through my childhood that I would be standing on top of that building and fall off. Always just before I had it the ground I would wake up.
It took me until about 20 years of age before. I finally made the connection between this dream and the day Dad threatened me with the FBI.
2) One weekend the Sheaâ€™s and the Powers went for a stay at a cabin. (Bob must have had a cleaning business or something for) Bob had a van of the shape of a VW minibus.
My dream was that we pulled up to the cabin and an ugly witch opened the back doors. Me and the other kids were trying to get away form her â€“ we were in the back.
She had a long nose and chin â€“ really long â€“ and she had a green face and warts and a dark robe over her head and body it was terrifying.
After dinner we cleaned up. Donna showed us the futon. We loved it â€“ like a big bed on the floor. We made quiet love after all the lights were turned out. It was so exciting!! So luscious. When I came Judith wanted to swallow it!! And I put it up and she put her mouth around me. She then spit most of it out and rubbed it on her chest.
January 31, 1985
What can I say? Today the roof caved in. I went upstairs when Mom came in and the atmosphere in the room was a bit strange. (Foreboding). Mom pointedly asked: â€œHow long is Judith staying for? I thought she originally was going to stay for 3 weeks.â€ When mom walked by the kitchen where I was doing the dishes, I called her in and said so whatâ€™s happening. She said, â€œHavenâ€™t you noticed how nervous Gam has been??â€ I said â€œNo! I havenâ€™t and Iâ€™m usually sensitive to her feelings.â€
There was such an urgency in Momâ€™s appeal, I thought it was as if Gam would collapse if Judith didnâ€™t leave immediately. For me, it was complete surprise and most unpleasant news. I felt an obligation to Gam. Shortly after Judith came in and I took her downstairs and told her that she would have to go. Naturally she wanted to know why and naturally I didnâ€™t want to tell her. I had to tell her the story as Iâ€™d heard it. It was an awful situation. Poor Judith.
The rest of the day we were deciding what to do. Judith and I got along pretty well, especially concerning the circumstances.
It was decided she would go to Pegâ€™s and I would see if Donna would let us go there for a week.
Mom was in and out during the day and, diary, I insist she was eager to see Judithâ€™s departure come off on the very same day. Mom and Gam and Vic were going out to dinner and Judith planned to tell Gam she was going. However, she waited til they were walking out and when I suggested that she had waited too long, Judith ran downstairs crying. I told Gam myself and she said â€œWhy? Is she unhappy here??â€ It was a fiasco. Mom said weâ€™ll talk about it later, and they left.
Went to work rather late. I worked like a devil to get the program on ducts run so I was late in picking Judith up. She and Donna were to be waiting in a car near Montgomery and Washington having just finished an exercise class. I was really riding high. We were going to go see Tom in Palo Alto at the Keystone. I went around the block but didnâ€™t see them. Was going to park and walk.
Somehow, I donâ€™t know how, I ran a red light and hit a taxicab. The driver was friendly. I got Donna and Judith and they came and saw. When I got home to Gamâ€™s I was a nervous wreck. I had some brandy, and I called Yello Cab at 8 pm. I spoke with the claimâ€™s adjustor. We worked out a deal on the phone whereby I would pay $1000 tomorrow and avoid any complications such as filing an SR-1 with DMV or a police report. I was miserable the rest of the night â€“ I felt as if all this was so unnecessary â€“ Donna was going to go to Gamâ€™s anyway. We could have met there.
We saw Tom playing with Bedlam. I was really disappointed. I saw Only Tomâ€™s unhappiness, the futility of his effort.
It all goes hand in hand â€“ offstage and onstage. I met Lathan before the show. He wasnâ€™t aware Iâ€™d been traveling. I asked if heâ€™d finished school. His reply was: I rose above it. His manner was off-handed disinterested and un-friendly. And onstage they jumped around. And I thought it was all a bit pretentious. Even songs like Silver Dollar which I really liked had gotten worse over the years. There was no happiness there. Tom could have been on cocaine. Between songs he would amplify his condition by jetting absurdities like: Listen, I donâ€™t know if anyone ever heard of the 49ers, but they are champions, and they kicked ass a few weeks back and it was pleasure to see them kick ass. This song is about champions.
I left even before theyâ€™d finished. I thought it was drag.
We made the long drive back to Oakland.
Our lovemaking was delicious, wonderful, succulent, one of the best I ever had â€“ full of love.
February 1, 1985
Morning. Nothing seems to be easy. I am crowded pushed pulled tossed trampled on â€“ inside. Outside I am generally okay Judith and I have been having some lovely moments but now she has left, angry again, and I find it discouraging. Now sheâ€™s just come back from shopping.
Head down! How could I have gotten into that accident yesterday!
Gam and I had talked last night and, bless her soul, she wrote a check to me for $1000 to cover the accident. This morning I drove to SF, cashed it, got a cashierâ€™s check for $1000 and brought it to Yellow Cab. They gave me a complete release as promised. He said to call Mon to get a release on the driverâ€™s bodily injury.
I went to Newell Lab and got my photos (for free). They were destroyed from my point of view. You can see them, but they are damaged. I donâ€™t know what Iâ€™m going to do about it.
I went to work. I am feeling a bit paranoid â€“ I feel like a have to get my act together, but Iâ€™m meaning as far as hair, clothing, hours. â€“ as far as the work goes, I feel I can handle it.
I had to drive Dad around and I mentioned I was going to get a haircut. He said that would be nice.
You know, diary, a couple of days ago I saw Mike Hillâ€™s card: Vice President of Administration. I felt sort of hurt, but now Iâ€™m hoping. Iâ€™ll become V.P. of Finance â€“ but itâ€™s only a dream. Iâ€™d have to create the position.
I was really down because of the accident. I got the computer program together a bit today. When I left, Mike said: You seem to be really cranking it out (and mentioned as an example the program, the F.G. inventory).
I drove to Gamâ€™s and then to Judith at Donnaâ€™s. Donna went out and Judith and I had the apartment to ourselves. We had a very special lovemaking experience. I just about made her come.
We fucked for a good while, her on top, me on top. I finally figured Iâ€™d finish, but perhaps I should have kept it going. There is so much love flowing between us. It is so hot. I feel hot. She is getting so turned on, she is getting very, very, very wet â€“ to my touch, to my tongue to my cock.
We went out to Fentonâ€™s (though she wanted to stay home and fuck). I had a banana split. When we came home we started to make love but Donna came in and we went to sleep instead.
February 2, 1985
Donna left in the morning. I asked her how she knew Mom was dating Bob Powers when Dad and her separated and she said because she saw them going out â€“ Bob would come by to pick her up (She was 12, after all.)
Judith and I had a lot of trouble today. It centered around going down to see Peggy and Marc, her friends from Nepal. We really fought and it was terrible.
We made love.
We left and drove down there to Menlo Atherton. As a solution to our pent-up hostilities Judith said, â€œI want to fightâ€ meaning we were to have a play fight. I pulled off on Sand Hill Road and we had a nice fight. I was feeling better until, in the process of falling on her butt, Judithâ€™s legs kicked up and accidentally her knee hit my groin and my balls! I got kneed in the balls! I collapsed to the ground in utter agony and squirmed around: Donâ€™t touch me, donâ€™t touch me!!!
We made up. Marc and Peggy (Judith and I were hours late) werenâ€™t there. We had a mediocre to bad Mexican meal (Judith paid) and, not finding Meg or Marc on our return, we drove home to Oakland and went to the local cinema to see â€˜The Killing Fields.â€™ It was a fine film except for the almostâ€”love-affair between the columnist and his guide (not really) a love affair.
We came home. I was hot and we were making love, but Judith felt sad and didnâ€™t want to â€“ though I had to prompt her to tell me â€“ she said: Iâ€™m not doing what I want in life.
I should also mention that Judith has lately suggested going away to a foreign land and living in the â€œbush-bushâ€ â€“ natural like â€“ away form the complications of modern life.
February 3, 1985
Good evening. Here I am. Judith flossing her teeth in bed. My sisterâ€™s talking to us from the kitchen.
A very nice day. We had dinner at Dadâ€™s. Judith gave me two etchings: the dragon and the castle. I got the box from Kelly â€“ I am overjoyed that the slides are finally here. In addition, there are plenty of writings, the Balinese painting and other things (Kwaio necklaces.)
Today we discussed about how we are going to handle the near future. Seems Judith will fly home on Sunday. Weâ€™ve run out of money, places to stay and time. I guess itâ€™s inevitable but unfortunate.
February 4, 1985
I feel such a resurgence, such a blast of positive energy. It came form the kind thoughts of my Gram, my sister. I am in heaven above heaven. I forgot the power of the realization of the fact that Judith loves me. She loves me! I look at her and see the pain, the hurt, Iâ€™ve caused her by not believing in her earnest love. Why, she has a heart as big as a gold sun. If only I could remember this at the difficult moments. If only I could let this gold sun shine through the haze of misunderstanding and misinterpretation.
Good food. Warm drinks. These go to reviving one from their tiresome cores and their woes. A positive attitude Iâ€™ve regained: one that says letâ€™s try it. Letâ€™s get more out of today. Letâ€™s do the things weâ€™ve planned on, the things we said we were going to.
Today: Worked 8Â½ hours: documented the duct program. Called Mandy, not there. Talked with Taylor â€“ heâ€™s doing great â€“ I am dreaming now of catching part of his first cruise. To Donnaâ€™s = went out to see Amadeus (Mozart) with Judith. It was great, romantic. Sitting in the back part of an old almost empty theatre in comfortable lodge seats, kissing, touching. Our kissing and touching is art itself. Our love is eternal. Heaven above heaven.
We talked in the car about selling her â€“
2) Jacket designs for cassettes
3) Photos of her art
4) Videos of Swinging Venus.
I have thoughts about writing a book in sets (now that I have my New Guinea notebook:
1) Part One â€“ New Guinea
2) Part Two â€“ India/Nepal/Bangladesh
3) Part Three â€“ Arab States
4) Part Four â€“ Africa, Central
5) Part Five â€“ Impression and Conclusions
Like to make love with Judith and Peggy. Appointment to meet Peggy on Wednesday night.
To have a slide show tomorrow perhaps.
â€œWhen we make love with Peggy Iâ€™ll just be loving to overcome my nervousness.â€
February 5, 1985
Morning: Good coffee. Last night. Good loving til 3 am this morning: good, loving as quiet as we could. Last nightâ€™s loving was beautiful, fairly incredible.
Went to work. (I got insurance in the morning and feel much relieved. I dropped Judith in the Haight.) Finished the duct program and documentation. I showed slides that Clymerâ€™s at night, with Judith. Later Guettler and Kirsten and Cappa showed up. I was pleased with the New Guinea slides. It makes me feel inspired to do some work compiling what I have. I think they liked the pictures. I certainly did.
Got to Donnaâ€™s â€“ still up – lights out. I fucked Judith but she didnâ€™t seem as turned on as usual, so I was perfunctory.
February 6, 1985
Lovemaking in the morning. Fairly fantastic.
I slept then, til noon. Went to Ocean Beach for a walk. Met Peggy last night. (Talked w/ Judith about the 3 of us making love together.) Peggy was really nice. She invited us to stay for a week or more, which means Judith will be staying longer. Great!
February 7, 1985
Showed slides at Jeffâ€™s place. Taylor called and joined us. Clymer said heâ€™d had it with reviewing slides because it kept him up to late on his busy schedule.
We slept at Jeffâ€™s. Jeff had invited us to stay and use his waterbed since Judith never slept on one before. Clymer slept on the couch. I really enjoyed fucking Judith on the waterbed. I liked the way her body bounced back to me thrust after thrust.
February 8, 1985
We awoke on the waterbed when Clymer left, Judith and I made love for a couple of hours. The first fuck was fantastic. She wanted more (as usual) and I started fucking her again though it seems I had little semen left in me (she has taken to the practice of regularly swallowing my semen when I â€œpull outâ€ of her vagina just prior to orgasming.
I dropped her off near downtown and took 280 to work. Dad didnâ€™t show up til late in the day. I worked on programs.
I hugged Dad goodbye.
I drove to Oakland.
Judith and I made love. It was good. I dropped off to sleep never to awaken again. Judith had cooked dinner but I was just too tired. (Iâ€™d had some beans at Gamâ€™s on the way.)
February 9, 1985
We made love in the morning. It was beautiful. We lay in bed and chatted and hugged even after Donna was up. A perfect morning. Chris called Judith and I felt all strung up and up tight. I canâ€™t explain my reaction. (I said it was all right for him to call.) Judith showered me with love when she got off the phone, but I felt bad. Then she got mad.
We brought Donna to the city. We had a loverâ€™s spat. I was all out of sorts as I watched the day go by. We stopped by Pegâ€™s. She saw us with long faces.
Judith and I went to the childrenâ€™s zoo in the â€œpanhandle.â€ Sun, a bit of fanfare, warm kisses and looks of the grass.
I got a haircut and met her back there. We went to Ocean beach and walked at sunset among the cliffs near (former) Sutro Baths. It was exhilarating. Judith said it made her day.
We met Donna in front of Macyâ€™s and we went out to the movie at Fishermanâ€™s Wharf: â€œStop Making Senseâ€ by the Talking Heads. It was most interesting, still not as good as I thought. (We went to and fro with my arms around them both.)
I was getting crabby but by the time I got out of my tight pants I felt better. Judith made muffins and hot cider and I felt even better.
When we turned out the lights and fucked, it was an amazing experience. She rode on top of me for a long time. I was very stiff. I finally took control of her, pushing her up and down on me, and I had a beautiful orgasm lying on the bottom.
By the way, diary, note, Donna had a date last night with a man whom she likes, is attracted to â€“ heâ€™s married but â€œfor immigration purposes.â€
After making love, we fell asleep softly dream like.
Judith woke up in a start saying, â€œI was on a plane home and you werenâ€™t on it!â€ She seemed so genuinely startled. We felt back to sleep, her in my arms.
February 10, 1985
Looks like I have a bit of review to do. It is not Sunday night. Things have been pretty good. Weâ€™ve just moved into Peggyâ€™s for a week. We made love about 1 hour in the morning. We cleaned up after ourselves and moved out of Donnaâ€™s. We went roller-skating in Golden Gate Park with Gary and Michiko. It was pretty fun â€“ even more so if I knew how to do it. We brought our things to Peggyâ€™s and have been hanging around here since. (Went for walks up and down Haight Street. Itâ€™s so very interesting here. I went through my slides. Itâ€™s hard to believe out of all this previewing that weâ€™ve covered only 29 out of 65 rolls of slides!!! There are somewhat over 400 good slides out of those 29 rolls. Yes! And, when we first got here we made love (being the only ones in the house â€“ we got the key from Peg yesterday). Both this morning and this afternoon I honored Judith request to get herself off first and I think generally it can be not so good an idea because sometimes she seems less interested once sheâ€™s had her orgasm.
She says sheâ€™s leaving Sunday. It sounds like itâ€™s for sure, but Iâ€™ll see if I can convince her til the 20th, but I would think not.
Peggy just came in. Itâ€™s about 11 pm. Sheâ€™s very friendly. Sheâ€™s nice. I feel like it may not be as â€œall setâ€ as Iâ€™d imagined to do a mÃ©nage-a-trios. Judith seems not to have talked with her about it.
Note: When we went to sleep at night, we did just that. We were both really tired.
February 11, 1985
Itâ€™s been a very good day. All in all. We had some loving in the morning.
Judith keeps track of the amount of time we do it every day. She tells me that, on average we spend over 2 hours daily making love. â€œAre we healthy or not?â€ She queries! â€œWeâ€™re very healthy,â€ I understate!
I went to ATS, looked up the tax matter and plodded along, churning out a â€œ90 degree 3 gore elbow program!â€
Interesting note: Jeff Clymer reminded me that Kirsten (Guettlerâ€™s girlfriend/fiancÃ©e?) is taking an anthropology class at Mills College. Jeff added that she spoke with her teacher about my slides, of the Halis, whom theyâ€™re studying. He apparently would like me to make a presentation to the class!!! Great!!! (As Clymer described it: He frothed at the mouth when he heard about your slides.)
I left work at 3:40 pm and went to Judith.
We made nice loving. I drove her to a Yogarobics class.
I had lamb stew with Gam and a nice communication. I picked up Ju. We drove past Castro to â€œlook at the gaysâ€™ then we went to Peggyâ€™s.
February 12, 1985
Work came home Ju. Period. (Now at Stow Lake/Huntington falls). The weekdays I worked M-F logging 32 hours. Monday Iâ€™ve already described. Tuesday, I came home to Ju, early so we could have fun together. She had a period, which came on because she was doing preparatory exercises to teach a class that would never come off. I was disappointed â€“ now we couldnâ€™t have fun â€“ she lay down and moped. We finally got in a nice fight at 10 pm, and I drove home and slept at Gamâ€™s.
February 13, 1985
I called Judith from work. It was a trying circumstance, but I went to see her after work; I got my hair re-cut again on Haight St, I got Mandyâ€™s earring repaired and did some shopping and went to Ju.
In the evening, Peggy asked Judith to stay another week (if it was alright with Bob). Judith and I are happy about that. We had a nice chat with Peg (but no sex.) Peggyâ€™s a bisexual by the way!!
Gorgeous lovemaking!!! We had to go slow because she hurt. Actually, what I did was to lick her (she washed and put a sponge in first), which was very exciting. Then I slowly eased in my penis about halfway. Eventually without moving our bottoms, but only through intense kissing and fondling I had an orgasm. It was superb. Judith said it was the first time she ever let a man coming inside her. We are always discovering new things! (She probably felt it because I was motionless.) It was astounding.
February 14, 1985
I left Judith in early morning. I had a good day at work â€“ I wrote a rectangular duct program. I went home to Gamâ€™s. I had dinner with Gam.
I called Marc about Newell Lab damaging my film. He was helpful.
Judith called and told me not to come (cause I was late). Seeing through her, I explained she shouldnâ€™t feel that way because after all, I seldom get to spend time at home. She admitted it was true.
I came over.
February 15, 1985
Judith is my play comrade, my fellow proton.
Last night before bed, we had a magnificent walk unbeknownst to me, Twin Peaks is quite close to Haight St. and, in fact, Twin Peaks road runs off of Clayton St! (Where Peg lives). We left the house at midnight. The skies were clear, the city was lit up, the air was clean and brisk, with a slight chill zephyr blowing down the slopes, as we walked up and around the peaks. We were in love.
I listened to her thoughts, fears and complaints attentively. I looked at her un-judgingly, this creature with quick eyes.
Our lovemaking (after bringing home a treat from the burrito parlor) was astoundingly pleasurable. I was intensely horny and hard, and her pussy was very tight. The pleasure was extreme (that is, until I inadvertently said: â€œDo you just adore my cock??â€ She thought I said: You just adore my cock to mean: You love only my cock (and not the rest of me) and her reply was weird: I think most women love the cock of the man they are in love with.) After a lapse, we resumed making love again; I finished shortly after. We were very tired, it being 3 am.
To describe the day:
I went off to work without lovemaking. I enjoyed work. I talked with Mandy 40 minutes in the afternoon on the phone. I sure like her. I came home, slept for an hour, then went off to see Ju. Her and Peg were eating popcorn off plates with forks. I talked with them a good while. I was almost sure we might all make love together. (Now writing in front of the Bison enclosure).
Finally, I said: â€˜I feel a lot of anticipation in the room.â€™ I egged them on. Peggy said: Letâ€™s get this straight: â€˜The three of us are not going to make love together.â€™ We then talked for hours about it. They expressed their manifold fears and I, my desire.
After, as Iâ€™ve described above, Judith and I took our magical walk.
February 16, 1985
Sitting in Golden Gate Park, really glad to be away from Judith and Peggy. Peggyâ€™s whole atmosphere is sexual deviation â€“ all she sever talks about is her girlfriend or some guyâ€™s lover (and she doesnâ€™t mean female.) I have a tolerance level, but it is only so high. It makes me feel like Judith is just too weird, though I know better â€“ her girlfriends in Holland are normal.
Judith is intolerant to an extreme. She has been flying off the handle too much.
We had really great sex about an hour ago â€“ I came while I was on bottom. Sheâ€™s my favorite lover ever.
Iâ€™m tired from working all week and smoking dope the last two nights.
February 17, 1985
From noon to 7 it was an idyllic day. Absolutely idyllic. We walked through the pack from Haight St. to the ocean. The sun beans as the two happy souls stroll past the childrenâ€™s park, to the Sunday band-in-the-park, where the band leader announces the Russian Piere, Judith sits on my lap and a young man approaches us with his magical mumu Stick. To the Garden of Fragrance (in the Arboretum) where we picked and ate a few of the culinary herbs. Walked to Arguello St. and rented skates. Oh my, I took 3 hard falls but thoroughly enjoyed riding for nearly 2 hours.
Returned the skates and continued on foot to the hat house to look at exotic plants. Some running arriving at Stow Lake, and beyond, a magical screening of grass of luminous green amidst intriguing shadowing in Speedway Meadows.
A walk along the Polo Field, by the casting pools, the Buffalo Paddock, the Windmill, the Safeway!! And out onto the evening ocean beach.
We took a bus back to Stanyan up on which a man with a Grateful Dead T-shirt pretense misery over the fact that some kids had broken the horn off his inch metal unicorn and said Judith had pretty eyes when we got off. We walked to Pegâ€™s. This whole adventure was done kissing, holding-hands, wrapped in each otherâ€™s arms, full of sweet words.
Unfortunately Peggy and Judith had â€œsingingâ€ planned, so I rested wile they sang.
Judith threw a tantrum before bed, then she got sweet and we had a very nice fuck and then dazed off to bed.
February 18, 1985
We made love in the morning nicely. Before we went out, we did it again.
We checked out the Asian Art Exhibit (jade, etc.) at the De Young, and we took my car out to Ocean Beach where we swam.
We parked above Baker Beach, walked past nudists and to the Golden Gate, sea-rock climbing watching the sunset.
We took a stop off at the Palace of Fine arts and then we went to see â€˜A Passage of Indiaâ€™ on Chestnut Street. Weird and good. I felt strongly. Iâ€™d like to go back for a 2nd adventure in India. I told Judith Iâ€™d love her forever.
I lay in bed awaiting Judith to come. I guess sheâ€™ll be leaving on Sunday. Once sheâ€™s goneâ€¦. No sweet titsâ€¦ la la laâ€¦ I will miss her greatly. I wish we could stay together. Iâ€™m used to her being around. Itâ€™s been a great two days. A romantic weekend.
Dad must be back from Korea but I havenâ€™t spoken with him.
Thereâ€™s so much to do. As life progresses, I must admit: my focal interests remain: Loving, Adventure, Finance, Music, Philosophy.
I canâ€™t count on it, but I hope everything continues so smoothly, as itâ€™s been going.
My objectives for â€™85 are:
1) Pay off debts.
2) Write book on travels.
3) Set up recording studio.
4) Save $ for traveling
5) Get secure job position.
6) Arrange private living quarters.
7) Arrange formatted plan for participation in crew of ICHI.
Write (and send pictures or clothes) to all foreign correspondents.
9) Investigate import/export possibilities from data gathered.
10) Organize photo results including blow-ups and slide show.
11) Price artifacts brought back.
12) Frame and display artifacts
13) Investigate lecture touring
14) Write article on West Papua (at least.)
15) Make dance tape and bring it to the I-Beam disk jockey.
February 19, 1985
My. I vote this fuck the best fuck of my life: The one that fills me with happiness, as it exemplifies the best of the lover I have in me.
Rubbed pussy after 15 minutes cuddling, through her shorts. She said mm-mm When I asked if sheâ€™d like me to lick her pussy. I started to but my passion prompted me to â€œplayâ€ with her cunt with my dick. She sort of stuck it in and I took the opportunity to begin fucking: I fucked her for 15 minutes, sometimes half-smiling with delight.
She got on top. As I lay down, my cock was standing up in the air, hard as could be. It almost hurt as she sat upon it, the enclosure was so tight. She pumped me and I felt her tits through her shirt and bra. (There was something erotic about the bra). She would make slight movements back and forth. The tip of my cock felt pinched by her cervix. I grabbed her ass and felt the tight cleavage of her ass split by the hard base of my dick. A hot rod of love.
My back was propped up against some hard and soft cushions.
After 10 minutes. I got on top, now her back against the pillows. I could get such deep penetration this way, her cunt at the vertex of the angle formed by her body. I fucked her moderate speed, deep. I felt all man, her all women.
My thoughts ran only to: she is made to receive me. It is good. Enjoy her.
Before lovemaking, we danced for 2 hours at the I-Beam. She wore aqua blue dancing tights, shorts, a scarf (purple) and a nice blue/aqua shirt. She looks so sexy. She turns me on and makes me like dancing.
â€œYou have to battle the unnatural with the unnatural.â€ â€“ Judith
Guess what!! Saw Christabelle outside the I-Beam. She said to call her. Funny. I was wondering 2 nights ago if sheâ€™d do a mÃ©nage.
I would love it. She and Judith both turn me on.
Note: H: potency factor of tonight probably linked to eating 10â€x5â€ x Â½â€ Sirloin Steak tonight for dinner.
February 20, 1985
High well being factor related to high good loving factor related to high potency factor related to eating steak (I feel this is true.)
Made love (high potency) in morning.
Ah. What a wonderful woman to awaken to. Soft warm skin. Nice tits.
We decided last night and this morning to try to extend her stay for another week.
â€œJudith, I can hardly believe I have such a beautiful woman to wake up to. I can hardly believe that God has sent me such a beautiful companion.â€
Last night: Judith â€œJeff why do you love me?â€ Jeff: Because when I am with you, there is sun in my heart.
As you [will] see I havenâ€™t written in a long while, through Iâ€™ve given a brief summary of whatâ€™s occurred in that time, a continuum which will presently find me under (partially) sleeping [in] a bag on a hillside â€“ only Iâ€™m not there, Iâ€™m not in Wendyâ€™s â€“ in Monterey â€“ and soon Iâ€™ll be in Pt. Lobos State Park. Judith and I are making the rounds with each other.
Iâ€™m going to miss Judith an awful lot (sheâ€™s definitely leaving on Sunday morning) but Iâ€™m going to enjoy having the time to myself. Thereâ€™s a lot going on in this noggin of mine.
Saturday night: 12 midnight to Sunday. Judith and I are getting ready for bed. She is leaving at Â¼ to 8 this morning. Iâ€™m realizing how much Iâ€™ll miss her. Itâ€™s all fine and well to try and act tough and say â€œIâ€™m very busy as it is,â€ but for me, love is No. 1 and Judith is my best lover. I realize how much of a drag it is not having my own place. I suppose necessity is the mother of invention in this case. Maybe now that I see such a distinct need for a place of my own, I will get one.
Desires â†’ needs â†’ acquisition
I.e. one must, if seeking to better oneâ€™s situation, decide on which desires to have to generate the appropriate needs.
This can also be thought of as:
Physical or tangible results â†’ needs â†’ desires.
Judith fills so many of my needs. Iâ€™m determined to be tough. To be perfectly honest, Iâ€™m prepared to masturbate to keep down my discomfort: I suppose I can admit to having other female company in my hopes.
Last nights lovemaking was as Judith said this morning: the Hottest we ever had (if not the best). It really was, you know that way that sheâ€™s said, oh if only you could keep fucking me like this for an hour â€“ but itâ€™s that ultra-pleasure that makes you orgasm, before 10 minutes is out?? Well, last night I fucked her like that â€“ so hard, so good â€“ for Â½ hour or 40 minutes straight.
We made love 4x yesterday. Once morning, 2 times in the Redwoods.
Dad hires me.
The deciphering of Green Hanab.
The discovery of play-fighting as a means to positively release aggressions.
My one goal is to feel the rejoicment of life in my heart.
- May 6 driving home
April 28, 1985 Sunday.
What am I to do? There are, as I keep saying, many many things to do, but how do I begin? With each chore accomplished, there is a benefit derived. I need to examine the direction of collective benefit vectors, to promote convergence on designed goals. Or do I? The problem I have had in the past is my in ability to prevent poverty in the long-run. My efforts are scattered, yet what can I do about this? (A manifesto!) If I give up music entirely, I cut out a huge project, years of effort, marginal time used. What do I turn to? Adventure? If so, what aspect? Now, alone, I have letter writing/photo copying/slides/ etc, to handle, artifacts, creative writing, and the list goes on and on. I want above all to enjoy myself. I enjoy sex, the better looking woman, to me, the better I enjoy talking with friends, hiking, being outdoors, eating, going new places. I enjoy photography, figuring, writing to an extent. I enjoy drinking, smoking pot sometimes. It occurs to me firstly:
How do I make my living? After all, a person making a living spends about Â½ of his time doing that. I spend 40 hours a week at work. Now, if my work was something â€œin tuneâ€ with my other interests, great. As it is, it is juxtaposed 180 degrees. This is my first and major stumbling block. It creates my major problem:
Either 1) I must relegate all my interests to hobbies
2) I must live a life wherein I cut my bridges periodically, venture forth, only to return to the same situation (and possibly accept less than Iâ€™m worth).
I am in a trap, and I can feel it, and it causes great discomfort to me. How do I get out of this? By finding employment in an area more suited to my interests.
Why sort of employment?
I could utilize business-oriented skills to get involved in one of two major areas (or 3 of interest.)
Work for a:
a. Record company
b. Radio station
c. TV station
d. Concert promoter
e. Recording studio
f. Movie studio
a. Travel agent
b. Tour company
d. Exploration outfit (oil?)
e. Scientific explorations
g. Import/export company
a. For Playboy or similar magazine
Or be self-employed in those areas.
I need to make a resume. Even if I donâ€™t change to an ideal job, at least I can perhaps make more money.
Draw up 4 resumes:
1) General business
2) Adventure oriented
3) Music oriented
4) All skills
Review it with Clymer, Cappa, Uncle Bob.
This is my most important work for the month of May!!!
Other things to do: I need to organize some of my other efforts.
A. 1) Get slides together.
2) The whole photographic trip â€“ get it all together.
B. Then 1) Artifacts trip, get it together.
C. 1) Financial affairs, get it together.
March 3, 1985
Sitting up, socks off, the sun rings my right eye in gold, my eyelashes stick out like radiant spikes, the windshield of glass reflects the inside in shadows and color. Prominent beyond is N288US Northwest Orient plane bound for Amsterdam, and, on it, Judith, my lover, the security of home envelopes me, synthetic beeps, muzak, palaver in a known tongue, the umbilical cord is still connected to the guts of the jet. Iâ€™m on my own now. Judith is like a positive side trauma for me. She has given me such sweet, pure love, it has sunk deeper into me, into my veins and my spine, than any negative effects life has had on me.
The engines begin. The umbilical cord is disconnected. The armored car pushes the jet away from the terminal.
I hope she has a safe flight to Minneapolis.
The strands of love connect our bodies at this moment, I look at them. They are viscous, surface tension holds them together like a membrane. They pull, stretch and become thinner, but become none of the less strong. The plane takes to the air. The strands of love feed out, as regular as an arrow, a vector in parallel with the movement of the jet. Judith has made more feel so good about myself. She has filled the empty places in me, I feel satiated by her beautiful love, though still deserving more. The plane now appears smaller than the speck of dirt on the window. And now it has escaped to the East, from my sight altogether.
March 9, 1985
At the end of Kansas. At the top of Southern Heights. Sun. The city is before me. Listening to Frank Schneider and the Shake Society. I feel like making this up-beat sort of music. Itâ€™s so simple and irresistible. Iâ€™d like to sing with a girl â€“ and Iâ€™d like it to be lively.
Peggy called me this morning. She was worried I wouldnâ€™t come over gain. (Iâ€™m so horny!) I called Christabelle because I want sex. Sheâ€™s having me over tonight. I want to get it together with Pamela. I drove by her house. I am thoroughly impressed: Pacific Heights, big, beautiful. She said sheâ€™s looking for an apartment this weekend.
So much to do, so much.
March 10, 1985
2 am. Iâ€™m high and so not prone to detalish items. I just got back from miss xâ€™s (Savalaâ€™s) place. I have to admit the sex (especially the 1st time) was awfully good. I am so horny. It seems that when I get with her I feel so warm. I almost feel like the pursued, and I like it (i.e. being able to relax, sit back, no worries).
Music: Do I want to do something big?
Business: How much time (can I)/(do I want) to spend at ATS?
Money: What are my requirements?
Adventure: What is my next trip?
Women: How to reach sublime continuum?
Always being in touch with your feelings is the ideal in creating, or just being.
Gardening: Â½ hour
Got out rhythm box; played: 1 hour.
Called Mandy: she didnâ€™t want me to come to her practice
Called Gab, Pam, Ju, no answer.
I think Iâ€™ll go down to the office and learn Wordstar.
Talked with Gabrielle for 23 minutes. I introduced the idea sheâ€™s got to be prepared to hear about Judith.
March 11, 1985
Asked Mandy to go out Thursday to see slides. She said yes.
There is so much to do!
I got a letter (nice) from Judith.
March 12, 1985
Iâ€™ve been having my ups and downs today. I guess itâ€™s a self-image problem. I know Iâ€™m special (yet itâ€™s not even important after all)â€¦ itâ€™s that I feel I canâ€™t get the women I want. Leaving Pegâ€™s was awful today. I couldnâ€™t wait to get out of there. Her breath really turned me off and then, mss x. Those are the only two women I have to go to bed with right now. Mandy is edgy but I am being sort of determined. After all, anything can happen with women, I talked to Pam. She promises sheâ€™ll call me next week, but sheâ€™s busy this week, though she assured me she would like to see me.
Itâ€™s also my prosperity level. That is unimportant; but I guess I feel I need that to win women. Bullshit again.
I need time to organize my efforts.
March 14, 1985
Went to Los Gatos Yacht club to see slides. Mine are better. Taylor went home with elegant woman. I met Lisa (Andrea) and drove home drunk at 3 am. (Ugh!)
Note: Went out with Gary, Michiko, Tim, Chitter and girlfriend Leslie and Terri Michikoâ€™s girlfriend from Houston.
I feel much better today, given that I had more sleep last night (7) and that I had a few good developments, or at least, I should say, one. That is that I called all the Gunnâ€™s in Palo Alto because I vaguely recalled Mike Belfer said heâ€™d met Eric at school in Palo Alto. So the last number on my list, I get Ericâ€™s Grandma, and she gave me his number in Santa Cruz. It will be good to hear from him and possibly to do some recording or collaborating.
I also found out what happened to Taylor. He got a BJ from that elegant womanâ€¦ we joked about how much the other was dirty slime (He, for his luckâ€¦ me, cause I was grabbing her ass.)
Funny, Clymer, asked me if I ever called Francesca. I said no, but now Iâ€™m trying to call but the line is busy. Godâ€¦ all I am asking is for her to be my girlfriend. Thatâ€™s all I want in the way of romance. Sheâ€™s just beautiful, sheâ€™s rich, young.
Iâ€™d like to start a regimen. Up at 6:30. Have some good coffee at the office at 7. Write about my trip each morning til 8:30 or 9 am. It shouldnâ€™t take long getting the first volume published (printed/stored, I mean).
Iâ€™m like, crazy-lonely. I need to know someone I love (whoâ€™s not mad at me and who loves me) is available for a night when I need. Someone like Francesca.
I got that postcard from Kelly yesterday. She says sheâ€™s not coming til July when sheâ€™ll be in school.
March 15, 1985
1:45 am. Fortunately, I am not taking myself seriously because Iâ€™m rock bottom. My confidence level is zero. I feel, for example, that Iâ€™m stuttering when I talk to people. I feel lost in a small gathering of people â€“ the moment other conversation dies I feel uncomfortable. I went out with Francesca tonight. We all watched slides at Jeffâ€™s (at â€œGuettler Studioâ€™sâ€). It was pretty fun, but, like I say, Iâ€™m so fucking nervous that they wonâ€™t like me, and, God is my witness, I love all of them. Francesca: talking to her on the phone â€“ I was smiling for 15 minutes straight. I made her decision for her, because apparently a male friend was coming over to see her at 9 pm, but I went by and got her â€“ she owed it to me (stood me up once!!).
I drove her over listening to Frank Schneider and The Shake Society. (She liked it.) She isâ€¦ everything I want in a woman, in a girlfriendâ€¦ BUTâ€¦ When I took her home, she was polite, yep, friendly, yes, graceful, yes, but no big kisses. I feel so discouraged. Iâ€™ve such â€œbad luckâ€ with women sometimes. Iâ€™m stuck between a rock (i.e. going for it full bore, I wonâ€™t take no for an answer) and a hard place (just being easy going, maybe putting in a lot of time and only watching her show interest in other guys). Thank you God for what youâ€™ve given me. Iâ€™m on a fucking roller coaster!
P.S. I canâ€™t believe life can be that bad â€“ the best (in this case re: Francesca) must be true.
March 16, 1985
I ainâ€™t no way no how given up never say die goinâ€™ for it will not take anything but out all out i.e. That is winninâ€™ this sucka!
Just talked to Francesa. Tried to lure her away. She said sheâ€™s goinâ€™ to Chinese dinner. I donâ€™t know. Probably a lie. I shouldnâ€™t say that but it donâ€™t matta.
Tomorrow Iâ€™m going out with you know who. Now donâ€™t be sour I am writing her (see I didnâ€™t tell her where we would walk to I said â€œitâ€ was 6 or 8 blocks. MaÃ±ana por noche I will invite for a treasure hunt, location 8 blocks from her home for a Ruby Necklace Mark MG (Mardi Gras) The location of course is the Vogue Theatre. Where we will search for whatâ€™s no doubt going to be in my pocket.
March 17, 1985
Just called Francesca but sheâ€™s in the shower. So Iâ€™m biding my time. I wonder if sheâ€™s getting ready for someplace or if sheâ€™s just come home. Oh! I get itâ€¦ she got my mental message and is getting ready cause Iâ€™m picking her up in Â½ hour, right?
Spent the day getting through my photos, which sort of got boring towards the end. Iâ€™ve been inside too much today.
March 19, 1985
Went to see Boysie and Connie Day tonight. Of course, it was fantastic to see them again. And, I may add, it was a relief to be welcomed by them â€“ ever since I left the boat I was concerned with what they might have thought of me. We talked about our respective experiences. Then, Boysie talked (sometimes answering my questions) about politics and we talked (he did i.e.) about the Eastern Block countryâ€™s for he and Connie spent a fair bit of time there recently (in Bulgaria, Romania and Hungary.) When we said goodbye, it was heart warming â€“ it seems weâ€™ll see each other again.
March 20, 1985
Iâ€™m going (note: on the Vernal Equinox) fucking crazy. I need a friend. Iâ€™m lonely. No, I donâ€™t mean just anyone. I need someone perfect.
Iâ€™m bogged down. Thereâ€™s so much to do and I canâ€™t move because my hands are tied.
And I canâ€™t seem to make it with Mandy or Francesca or Pamela (Ha! This is an understatement.)
Iâ€™m so broke, yikes! And I donâ€™t feel like working. Iâ€™m so tired of working at ATS and going nowhere. I am happy I have the work though.
March 21, 1985
I went (new Moon) running this morning supposedly, running (exercise) excites certain chemicals which are elating. No coffee this morning. I feel calm. This I like. I could almost say that, â€œThereâ€™s plenty of time to do all the things I need to do.â€ Life is a state of mind. I should be hippy. Really thereâ€™s so much going for me. Life is cake. Cake! Now, I got a letter from Kelly saying she had a Christabelle complex (But her nude photos were a hit â€“ good photography maybe). I got it last night. Now, this morning I wrote her. Sheâ€™d said she was coming on April 17th. I told her to come sooner.
I read Gabrielleâ€™s letter. She said sheâ€™s horny and wants to know if I want her to remain celibate.
Called Frannie. It is a pleasant thing to do. We bounce back wits. I asked her out to dinner, but she may go (tomorrow to Santa Cruz for the weekend. Told about the water tower (observatory/ and the cat walk in the GG Bridge. She said weâ€™ll have to do that, the observatory) sometime.
March 22, 1985
Woke at Peggyâ€™s then went to work. No coffee. I feel nice and relaxed. In fact I feel so calm, it makes me believe that calmness is a goal. (As I am writing this Saturday morning I am about to drink some coffee, but itâ€™s at Heavenâ€™s CafÃ©. Iâ€™m treating myself.)
I got some drinks with Dad after work. It is getting quite interesting what with International Business.
I had 2 whiskeys and 3 beers. I went back to the office and tried to program. I called Mary (of Ed and Mary) in the Hague!
I went to see Amanda play. Not bad at the least, sheâ€™s got a nice voice. I saw her back stage. She jumped up. â€œJeff! What are you doing here? Come here I got â€“ to talk with you.â€ We walked over a few paces â€œHow did it sound?â€ I reassured her it was good. â€œI want you to meet my friend Janice.â€ We were introduced. She had to go â€œWith those guys (the band.) Fair enough.
As I drove away, I felt elated. I yelled out, â€œIâ€™m going to be the greatest!!â€
I went to Peggyâ€™s. She likes to get fucked. I like the closeness (Ha! You also like to fuck!)
March 23, 1985
At Heavenâ€™s CafÃ© here. I phoned Francie last night. She said she was on her way to Santa Cruz with Laurie (her friend from Colorado).
I slept at Pegâ€™s. We fucked, though not kissing much. I nudged my nose around there last night. I had absolutely refused to eat her because Donald came inside her on Tuesday. I told her it would take weeks. She was most upset (2 nights ago), even refused to fuck me although I knew that could not last.
I will now speak: â€œI will be Bob. I will Bob myself in the next week. Every week that passes. I will exponentiate my Bobness!!â€
March 24, 1985
Here at Heavenâ€™s CafÃ©.
Looking through job opportunities. Must Bob myself out maximally. It would be Bob to land in a better job. Higher salary. Benefits. Opportunity.
I want to record something very strange here: this morning when I awoke, Peggy said: â€œI had a dream that Judith was pregnant.â€ I said â€œAre you psychic?â€ She said: â€œWell, Iâ€™m not a prophet butâ€¦â€ I said I hoped she wasnâ€™t and laughed.
I called Judith at 11:30 am. Sheâ€™d just gotten back from Switzerland â€“ she said sheâ€™d been pregnant, but was no longer!!! Iâ€™d totally forgotten that Peggy had said that, until this evening. I got home from work at 9. I talked to Jeff Clymer and went over. Then I ran to Embarcadero Center arriving at 10 pm. Peggy works at Embarcadero #4. 34th floor Rm 3400. The offices were magnificent!! We ended up making love in the conference room on a couch. We fucked twice. It was very, very nice. She said she wouldnâ€™t have any sex with Donald before they went to Nepal, because I was what she wanted.
March 25, 1985
I ran home from the Haight this morning, stopping off at Sound Genesis for a talk with James Barnes.
I ran home, had beans with Gam, got a few things tended to around the house. Worked 3:30 to 6:30, word processed my journal form 6:30-9:30.
I talked with Frannie. My intuition told me yesterday and this morning that she was weakening because my bobness was showing through when I wasnâ€™t looking and it must be incongruent with the vision of a guy she wouldnâ€™t go out with. Tonight she admitted we can have a nice friendship, though we agreed, it would be just friendly. Fine by me. She and I talked about our love lives, so, you see, that is estimate, a barrier has been broken. I really like Francesca a lot.
March 27, 1985
Determination: I will try to stay up every night, pursuing my ends, whatever they be, for the following 7 nights. Then I will evaluate the results. The purpose of this experiment is to see if it will seem possible to make satisfactory progress by any means (even as drastic as this!)
The only sensible things to do are those which invite strength. (Make you strong.)
If I have to hoard wealth, I donâ€™t want it.
March 28, 1985
Kamikaze Society. Today I rate a 2.5. Life is hard, that ainâ€™t no jive, maybe not poetic, sure am frenetic.
I am feeling the crush of society, I feel embarrassed by my impoverished-ness, I really need to talk with a loved one about me and what my dissatisfactions are, but I feel like Iâ€™m putting them out. I am disgusted by my own squalor and by my seeming inability to get anything together. On one hand, I feel compelled to make money, on the other hand, Iâ€™ve got to speak a lot. I donâ€™t have my own place. Actually, that wouldnâ€™t bother me, but I feel as if itâ€™s not an attractive situation for girls. I am disturbed because I donâ€™t like working as Mike Hillâ€™s subordinate. (Today he tried to pull rank). Godâ€™s words about â€œgetting your career up and started by the time youâ€™re thirtyâ€ are ringing â€“ it is only that I donâ€™t want to be a drone. If I could be in authority, it might seem more interesting. Iâ€™ve been stoned all day. I guess itâ€™s not good if I do it too much. I feel as if Iâ€™m going backwards. God, it is awful being sucked into this vacuum, which we call Civilization!
March 29, 1985
No alcohol, no pot. Awful day, but Iâ€™m determined now.
March 31, 1985
2 pm: At 8 pm Pegâ€™s going to take nude photos of me under spotlight. I feel 11ish right now.
Push through bottlenecks.
April 1, 1985
7 am â€“ Last nightâ€™s sex was so good. I kept thinking of Judith and her cunt the way she is sexually, which is so umphf! Natural womanly animal heaven like in response. Last Wednesday I made a determination to Bob myself out. I feel I have made strides in the last five days, in the way of determination.
This morning I said â€œI like sex with you because youâ€™re warm and loving.â€ She said: â€œI like it w/ you because youâ€™re warm and loving and macho!â€ I said â€œI take that as the highest compliment!â€ She said: â€œWell, it is!!â€
Best date ever with Mandy tonight:
Wrote to Jud, Gab, Kelly, Tilot, Fred Billy, Francesca; Car fixed, dentist ($1500 work needed).
Then errands hopping. Decided to go to beach. Studied Dbase. Drove to work. Called Mandy at 7:15 everything seemed right â€“ clicked-ish and I borrowed Dadâ€™s car. Went Cliff House. Mostly talked of love. Went to Zephyr. I let her drive to Hillsborough. Dadâ€™s car failed. Taxi up to Lake Drive. I took the Fiat dropped her at Hazel St. house, Iâ€™d been very romantic and flattering all evening, no drinking at the Cliff House: Something in her eye, a flash, in her left eye, blue and black, a look into her, speaking to me.
April 2, 1985
Touched her somewhat. Iâ€™d just been getting so many signs from her. Finally she was just about to step out when I went for a kiss goodnight. My hand went on her breast. She didnâ€™t flinch or move and I took Â½ hour to kiss her, her mouth ears neck and to lightly play with her boobs.
Iâ€™d told her I wanted her for a girlfriend, if I had a place I would ask her to live there (no strings), Iâ€™d thought about us doing music, I could give her a lot of love, what she needs (she chuckled) all this during the course of the evening. She told me when she met me 3 years ago, she really liked me.
Woke up at 6:30 am. Gam woke me up. Called Dad. â€œWhereâ€™s my car?â€ He yelled!!!
April 3, 1985
Worked 11 Â¾ hours. I went to Peggyâ€™s at about 9:30. We talked conflictingly about her ideas of male nude photography and androgynous male rock stars, and as planned I dropped guard, pulled off her panties, kissed her. So horny, both, a very special, horny action followed, so hard for maybe an hour, I donâ€™t know, hot, loving, love making.
April 4, 1985
1 am. Just got back from going out w/ Mandy. Spent 20+ minutes making out at Skyline College, kissing giving her my love, resting my hands on her tits outside her blouse, my tongue deep in her mouth. She is a turn on.
Mandy and I talked a lot about love.
April 10, 1985
Showed slides to Gam, Aunt Mary and Uncle Don.
April 11, 1985
Brought Mandy to Doctorâ€™s.
As I had a run from Massagli Motors to the top of Mt. San Bruno. (344â€™ while waiting for my car to get fixed, I felt relaxed and casual. I didnâ€™t put any moves on Mandy, but when we parked near her house, I had to most enjoyable foraging into her forbidden territories. She was wearing a dress with fishnet stockings, which fortunately were full of holes in their upper reaches. My what soft legs she has, what a wet cunt! I felt lightly on her panties stroking with my fingertips.
April 13, 1985
Went with Mandy to see Tom perform at the Stone.
April 15, 1985
Been so busy no writing since the 4th. 9:17 am. I just called Mandy. (Sheâ€™s sick.) She got pissed because Iâ€™m â€œalwaysâ€ insecure about if she likes me or not, but it comes down, for me, that she isnâ€™t fucking me and I will be insecure abut that always. To be honest, Iâ€™m even insecure when a woman gives me her totality. Itâ€™s a bad habit, yet I let myself run free. Soâ€¦ after a minute of thought Iâ€™ve made a resolution, that I am going to try an experiment: for a week until 9:17 am April 22, I am going to be totally casual with her. This means I wonâ€™t talk to her about our relationship, about the progress of its physical aspects. Iâ€™ll go along with her unless I have the spontaneity to override a request by her â€œto go home nowâ€ or some such. Iâ€™ll lay back, take it easy. Iâ€™ll turn my mind elsewhere. Iâ€™ll observe though, and Iâ€™ll avoid confrontations. I just donâ€™t know what will happen.
8 pm. Peg called today. She went to the wrong counter and Mac left w/o her. I was supposed to see her tonight but Mandy said she was really sick so I brought her to Kaiser Hospital where we are now, read Gabeâ€™s letter: sheâ€™s back to being Bob.
Went to Peggyâ€™s. I really was determined not to have sex, but she gave me a full body rub with oil, and by the time she was finished, I was so hot, well, we just made love and it was fantastic, I have to admit. We fucked for a pretty long time; she was quite wet and juicy. It was ecstasy. Sleep.
April 16, 1985
Woke at Peggyâ€™s. We had sex again because last night was so great. It was quite nice. We began to drive to the airport when my car stopped. We parted. She took a taxi, and I worked on my car for a couple of hours.
I worked til 9 pm, talked to Mandy 4 times and went to Clymerâ€™s house afterwards.
Talked a lot with Jeff Dave and Kirsten. Dave gave me a steak and artichoke dinner. Home: I talked to Gabrielleâ€™s sister, and must have made a fool of myself.
April 17, 1985
1 am. I just drove back from Redwood City. Mandy and I had a volatile date tonight. She was so sexy: fishnet stockings and dress, I couldnâ€™t resist. Parked and made out for a good time â€“ I almost felt as if I could fuck her. Everything felt so good. I felt her cunt through her panties and I kissed her and felt her tits. I almost felt it would happen: she began resisting. I feel strictly because she knows where it will lead. We got in a big discussion then argument, purposely molested, her just to make her so made she wouldnâ€™t want me anymore. She cried. We drove her back to Redwood City. I was saying â€˜Well you should go in.â€ But she made some excuse and I said you can stay. I went, feeling I had nothing to lose, crazy on her; I felt and kissed to my hearts content. I pulled both tits out of her bra and kissed and fondled them sucking, lickingâ€¦ rubbed my cock against her leg and licked her tits til I came with a fantastic orgasm that exemplified the chemistry of being close to her.
April 18, 1985
Iâ€™ve been suffering from a lot of undue pressure lately, the sort that weighs down on you but you canâ€™t put your finger on it. Mandy broke up with me tonight and then, before I dropped her off, I asked â€œthis is probably demeaning myself butâ€¦ can I kiss you for five minutes or so just one last time so that I donâ€™t crave it, as if the rug has been pulled form under my feet, without preparation?â€ She said okay as long as you donâ€™tâ€¦ you knowâ€¦ get carried away and not in front of the house (only less than an hour before I had â€œheld her captiveâ€ in my car, she was saying she hated me and that sheâ€™d never let me touch her again.â€) So we parked and I asked if I could sit across her like I did before.
Kissing her felt so fantastic and I stated that. I asked if I could kiss her breasts one last time and she insisted we throw the sleeping bag over ourselves. Kissing her tits was magnificent. It was so sexual, so intimate, it felt so good, so right, the soft flesh caressing my cheeks, her nipples craning across my noses tip, pulling, undulating them with my tongue, teeth and lips. We made out like that for the better part of an hour, I finally, during my climax, pushing my cock against the vaginal area so as to make it as real as could be considering all the clothes. I kissed her firmly goodnight at the door. [I had savored the touch and feel on her tits, her lips, her mouth as it parted to my tongue, probing a symbolic penis, while she and I were in the Fiat.]
April 19, 1985
You would not have believed the scene an hour beforehand. She was fluctuating between saying she never cared for me at all and saying that she was never going to let me touch her for sure now that I was going to visit Judith this summer. The fact was, Iâ€™d been so tired of her getting pissed off lately and abusing me that I was prepared tonight to contact my real feelings tonight and to be the one who was disgusted. The sweet surrender if only my imagination was touching: I felt understanding passing between.
I avoided calling Mandy today, I thought to give a chance to let her sort things out. Listening to old tapes of my own made me feel embarrassed both by the lack of talents and the remembrance of my attitude. Dad and Mike gave me a raise today of $1.20/hr. to bring it to $13.20. I told Mike that if I stayed Iâ€™d like a Vice Presidency some day. Have a plan to meet Cappa (who says Michiko wants to set me up w/ a girlfriend.) and Clymer on Friday evening. I did â€œJan 1â€ on the word processor â€“ all formatted, and delivered it on Gamâ€™s breakfast table. Christa came over at 11 pm and we fucked around â€“ I was so in need of it. Iâ€™m trying. I went running today too; to sort out things. I feel unsatisfied. Thereâ€™s a knowing hunger. I talked to Norma â€“ sheâ€™s got a little girl now.
April 26, 1985
8 am. Dear Diary: I am sinking so low, you cannot imagine. I have nothing Iâ€™m looking forward to. Everything is tainted with a touch of past disappointments and failures. I wouldâ€™ve thought that fucking Christabelle would at least have relaxed me but sheâ€™s so gross that it only makes me look straighter into the mirror and it hurts to believe Iâ€™m a loser. Iâ€™m not happy. Iâ€™m tired. Iâ€™m in dire need of some warmth from a loving female that Iâ€™m attracted to. I feel deserted (by Kelly mostly). I think Iâ€™ve been a jerk most of my life.
This is how I feel at the start of this new day!!! Yuck!
9 am: So, what to do? How do I make good?
10:30 pm: I am miserable beyond toleration. I called Mandy and rattled off my thoughts and arranged to see her tomorrow. What I have got to create is a light, a light based on my knowns, something I can work towards. Otherwise I will visibly perish; Adventure is now my solace. Iâ€™ve been too long out of the rat race, and my heart has always been out of it. I dream of villages and multiple wives.
April 27, 1985
12 noon. Now Iâ€™m going down to pick up Mandy. Iâ€™m feeling awesomely good. It was great to visit with Jeff and Gary. Iâ€™m hung up about the leopard tooth. It is as valuable to me as Jeffâ€™s Walther is to him. Yet I feel ashamed not to have given it, and yet I want to keep it.
Nevertheless what good friends I have been fortunate to have.
(Written Sunday about Saturday) Mandy and I got along well all day, and I treated her royally so to speak, compared with before. We had lunch at my house and then went to the St. Francis to look around, then down to the Ferry. We took the Ferry to Sausalito, window shopped then sat in the park on a bench for a good time talking. Took the Ferry back, then a snack at my house then to Pleasant Hill to her folkâ€™s house. Despite all her protestations that â€œwe are just friendsâ€ [and late much bantering about what we shouldnâ€™t do: â€œfor the next 3 dates no touching then weâ€™ll see.â€ (and I didnâ€™t touch her all day,)] I finally was allowed â€œ3 minutesâ€ in a parking lot at the end of which she said, â€œWhat, are you doing it in intervalsâ€ and I said â€œwhy donâ€™t we just relax and Iâ€™ll take you home in a little while.â€ She requested the sleeping bag and a more secluded spot, so I re-parked and under the sleeping bag I foraged my face into her naked breasts and kissed her lips and her neck.
This continued though the entire A & B sides of â€œThe Best of the Doobiesâ€, then I dropped her off, where she treated me coldly. I popped my head in the door, and she let me in. We watched Saturday Night Live and she lightened up. I stole a kiss when I left her half asleep on the couch and drove 26 miles back home. I had proposed to her to be â€œjust friendsâ€ in every respect except for a small period at the end of our dates. Who knows what the future holds. Her parents were very charming. Also Uncle Bob met Mandy.
P.S. I saw a picture of how Mandy looked when I first met her. She looked awesomely beautiful.
April 28, 1985
10 am in bed, nothing planned for the whole day except dinner with Clymer then hand-gun shooting in the evening.
I am exhausted of this life. America is so competitive, expensive, money-oriented. For 4 months Iâ€™ve been trying to get oriented and Iâ€™m more broke then I was when I arrived even though Iâ€™ve â€œearnedâ€ $5000!! I have squandered my money. My biggest complaint, however, is that there is far too much to get done (and also, I need a certain type of woman to be my steadfast companion in a life of adventure and dare I say it: music??) How do I console date my efforts??
April 29, 1985
As you know diary, yesterday I booked a flight to Amsterdam for 2 months from today, and I wrote and mailed a letter notifying her of this.
It is 9:45 pm and I am laying in bed ready for sleep. I am about to call Mandy, Francesca and Christabelle. Today has been agonizing but it ahs been good for me. My car cost me another $70 for a brake cylinder.
I have decided to make good for myself. I have decided that I canâ€™t be seeing clearly since my outlook is so dismal. I must do everything to make my mind more clear. Things canâ€™t be so bad. I know. My axiom is that everything is wonderful if you can only tune in to it. I read a quote. The pessimist may be right but the optimist has a better time getting there.
Later: I talked with Frannie for a few minutes, then Amanda for a good time (1/2 hour). We talked about what weâ€™re doing and she expressed her amenability to touching and kissing but no exposed flesh! In fact, she said that the other night she didnâ€™t know what would have happened if I hadnâ€™t stop (how am I supposed to take that?!) but then caught herself reminding me she would have stopped me. I told her that what I wanted to gain was her trust and that I wanted her to know she could trust me. She said sheâ€™d finally figured out that it was having her flesh (her breasts) exposed that made her feel so bad â€“ not touching â€˜down thereâ€™ or all that other stuff sheâ€™d tried to blame it on. (This could be true). That although sheâ€™d had that done to her before, that it was usually forced on her (but sheâ€™s lets me regularly). I agreed with her in apart and in return for us behaving like friends on dates and my confidence of protecting her â€œreputationâ€ that we seem to be able to resume our relationship.
Called Christabelle. Sheâ€™ll be over Wednesday at 11 pm. Called Pamela, says she wonâ€™t see me/ sheâ€™s â€œselectiveâ€/ her time is prized/ nevertheless it was an interesting interface. Perhaps someday I think it could happen. Talked for 25 minutes or so.
April 30, 1985
10 pm. Woke at 6 am for a change and no surprise, a fruitful day. Will call Eric Gunnâ€™s Grandmas tomorrow to get his number. Big event: Mandy called at 6:10 pm, miserable (with her living situation. I told her I wanted to live with her. We talked for an hour about it. We are both serious about it, but the â€œarrangementsâ€™ must be made between us. Iâ€™m hopingâ€¦ I want to live with herâ€¦ Iâ€™d like to make our life together, for a time, as man and woman. Of course sheâ€™s not admitting to be open to this. She reacted about me going to Europe, afraid I would prolong my stay. I promised I wouldnâ€™t and I wonâ€™t, I think. â€œI need her like the Sun.â€ I may revive this, I like my music â€“ Iâ€™ve got to get someone else to sing.
May 1, 1985
7:45 am. I just wrote a letter to Gabrielle. Iâ€™m lonely, but Iâ€™m rather enjoying getting to bed early and awake early.
May 2, 1985
12:15 am. Christabelle never showed up tonight. I had quite a nice time at Mikes. (Although I feel cooped up in my own body.) Talked with Mandy for 15 minutes today. She says she wonâ€™t be able to save $ (to move into a place) with the job she may be getting – $3.35/hour. She refuses to do office work. I didnâ€™t call Ericâ€™s grandma but I did go over some slide issues. It was a piece of good news that I can have slides made from color negatives from Kodak for only 80 cents each (as opposed to $3.50 to $7.00 at a custom lab.)
There is a feeling of calm overcoming me. Despite all my faults and motivated drawbacks, I have come to the conclusion that if I look at things in the medium range, I can have a lot of what I want. I must merely apply myself and use my best characteristic â€“ my determination.
7 am: One of my problems lately is how to deal with getting old. To think my youth is spent! How much I have not done!!! I cry out.
May 3, 1985
I worked 40 hours last week and my net pay was $411.83. This is pretty good â€“ not near enough mind you â€“
May 4, 1985
Ran 40 mins.
Dad called me this morning. To my surprise and happiness he said: â€œIâ€™ve been thinking about why you went off like a roman candle the other day, and now, in retrospect, I think you were justified. â€œHow about that?!â€ he added enthusiastically, as if to say, Nice surprise, huh? He went on to say that when he gets back he intends to have a meeting with Mike and I, separated. Then jointly to discuss impending changes; he mentioned something about a â€œdivision of laborâ€ He said he talked with Mike yesterday. (Mike mentioned something about me working 60 hours, which I told him was untrue; re: collection lots of overtime.) He told Mike to tell me to play the Devilâ€™s Advocate covering the computer purchase.
I mailed boxes to Tilot Non and Fred Billy Akwufaâ€™sie today (finally!).
I talked to Mandy tonight (at Kathyâ€™s.) Poor Mandy. She says she canâ€™t live with her parents, that they donâ€™t care (only about themselves they do). I think, simply, she needs to get laid (with love.)
I had a message that Eric called back today. This makes me happy. Finally I may get something going in music.
I went over slides today in preparation for Monday.
I went to James Willis gallery. His wife said sheâ€™d pay $20-or $25 (each) for 2 pieces (each). Iâ€™d paid about $1 for one and an old shirt for the other.
May 5, 1985
1 pm. I just called Judith. We talked for about 8 minutes. She asked me to move the arrival 1-week later cause then sheâ€™ll be free. We both affirmed our love for each other.
A lot has been happening. I will go back to record. I went to the plant yesterday. The work looks good. Doug has a lot of good ideas and quite a lot of enthusiasm.
May 6, 1985
Slide show all day 5 hours with the kids.
Surprised not one threw spitballs or paper airplanes. (George Miner School 5th and 6th grade â€œgiftedâ€ children.)
May 8, 1985
How about asking Sound Genesis to finance an audile expedition to New Guinea??
I just got back from Ken Willards. Near genius. We took a lot of time on the slides and he and his girlfriend, Tanzi, had very good ideas: dissolving dual projector shows, audile tracks, using an optic projector, to pull out portions of slides into complete slides of close-ups or cropping photos, etc!!! (I may ask him to go along to watch.)
Lesson with Jesse today. Pretty good.
Mandy called to let me know tomorrow night sheâ€™ll be in Half Moon Bay at Karenâ€™s when we see each other. I found some errors in the packing lists at ATS for Hyundai.
This day was the utter pits. I drank too much coffee which didnâ€™t help me feel any better about getting hit by a semi-and having my car totaled (damages greater than the carâ€™s value). I just hope that they are gong to take care of the repairs (they: the trucking line that is).
The day picked up when Dad called out of the blue from New York and he said I should go rent a car tomorrow and if the trucking company wouldnâ€™t pay for it, he would have ATS pay.
I picked up Mandy at 9:30 pm at a guyâ€™s house named Ken and Chris was there, whom I met. I had a good first impression of him.
We decided to stay at my house. Before we went in I played â€˜With Your Fireâ€™ for her. She was very impressed with the recording quality. â€œOk, your voice is really bad! (Finger down throat motion.) He sits in his room and makes recordings that sound like theyâ€™re on the rodeo.â€ She shut off â€œNumber 7â€ on my prompt.
I â€œloanedâ€ her the gold-filled necklace Lenora gave me in 1978. (I figure what good is it in my box?) I hope it makes her feel more secure about me
At Goat Hill Pizza she asked me about her hunch. I had been laid. Then she told me that I should always deny that sort of thing.
May 9, 1985
8 am. I can make out Mandyâ€™s (died) golden locks from my desk chair, her shape under the quilt on my bed.
We slept together here last night, drinking wine from my bed in the dark. It was by far the warmest (well, in some respects) encounter I had yet had with her. She took off her skirt and wore only her slip, panties and nylons and a cotton t-shirt (and an unfastened bra pulled up). The nice part is that (after an initial session in which I got off) we joked a lot and I wrestled her and kissed her hard. She even went so far as to lay her hand against my back or side (a real opening up of affection for her. It was late and warm. Lots of jokes about sex (me saying, I smelled her once on my finger and liked the smell.) I stroked her pussy through her slip, until she said I was hurting it. I said it would be easier to touch it directly and started describing it! I said, â€œAt least a few of the passes were good. I could feel the electricity. She replied (I felt as if she was really mine.) â€œI didnâ€™t feel a thing. They were all boring.â€ And we could crack up laughing. These jokes went on and on. There was something about the interaction as if like levers â€“ a joking, grabbing, polarity â€“ sometimes tender others strongly. I kept joking how I didnâ€™t like her and I stayed on that bent â€“ I donâ€™t kiss you cause I like it, only because itâ€™s a punishment to you. I reversed everything, saying I didnâ€™t want her. It relaxed her.
9 pm. Just spoke with Mandy for nearly an hour. We talk openly about sex and such (always the â€œnot til Iâ€™m married closing note bothering me less and less, this.) I am high, diary, so high. Real, it is. Iâ€™m psyched at last. Music. I feel (laugh) Iâ€™m, weâ€™re in love or about to embark. I must rely on putting myself in her trust. She invited me out to dinner with her parents tomorrow. She agreed to go to Mikeâ€™s Wedding with me next (a week from) Saturday.
Gam and I get along better and better. I change from worrying about â€œliving with my Grandmotherâ€ to being happy to be under her radiant beam â€“ sleeping with Mandy all night helped. A lot.
May 10, 1985
Went to Mandyâ€™s house to go out to dinner with her folks, but we got lost following them to the restaurant. Ended up in SF at my house. I had my dick (through our clothes) rubbing in her crotch, almost like having sex, for a long time.
May 11, 1985
Went to Pleasant Hill at Mandyâ€™s. She fixed me breakfast. Chris came by later. Had dinner there, her mom made tacos/burritos.
Mandy and I left and went to SF and went to my room.
In the middle of the night (was she sleeping?) I put my finger inside her just a little. I was amazed at how tight it was. I realized that very possibly all she told me was true. She probably is a virgin. This sort of overwhelmed me and made me feel close and warm to her.
May 12, 1985
Mandy and I slept in, to say the least. We were in bed til about 11 am. Another first early in the morning â€“ I knew she was awake, and yet I played with the outside of her vagina and even put in a little â€“ my finger, that is. I got off twice between 5 am and 11 am. Gam went out and Mandy and I went upstairs. We had a snack with coffee. When we drove away to San Bruno (I had to stop at the office), Mandy mentioned the fact that she had been looser last night and she was afraid Iâ€™d been pompous about it this morning. Naturally, I pointed to the fact that I duly appreciated. We bumped into Lyle in Millbrae, he looking quite different then Iâ€™d imagined.
To Serramonte: Mandy and I got really uptight. I was first, for I felt pushed out of shape over a guy, Todd, who, even though it was in January, she had bought some things for. I suggested she would have â€œloanedâ€ him, and she didnâ€™t deny it strongly enough for my taste. It backfired on me because she got on about Judith, and I couldnâ€™t blame her. I was about to take her to BART so she could go home, but I wanted to be with her, so I drove her to my house, and on pretense, we went in. I laid her on my bed. I told her that if only I knew she was going to be with me tonight, all my uptightness would probably leave me. We had a good talk, for e.g., I explained how I believed she was virgin because her pussy was so tight. I explained how I didnâ€™t think it would happen that weâ€™d have sex on the spur of the moment because it would take some time to get it in. Clearing up some issues, and we made plans for her to stay the night. We went to buy Motherâ€™s Day gifts, and on returning, Gam suggested Chinese Food, so she and I went to Chinatown for take home. When we finished, Mandy [and] I went to Ken Willardâ€™s to see slides.
I felt odd when we got back, for there had been slides of Judithâ€™s. I said: Would you like a glass of wine, she said yes. I gave Mandy my t-shirt and dancing sweatpants (then) to put on saying: â€œIâ€™m sorry I donâ€™t have anything more comfortable.â€ I went running. When I got back, she was in bed, wearing only what Iâ€™d given her, reading. I crawled in next to her. She asked if I still wanted that haircut, and so (even though it was about midnight) she cut my hair. I stared at her beautiful photo while she cut my hair. I was in ecstasy. She was so careful with it. She took a lot of time. I felt she cared. It was so nice to have her hands on me. When sheâ€™d finished she complained her shoulder were tight and asked if Iâ€™d rub them, but no sooner had I started than she said, â€œIâ€™ll give you a rub.â€ And I got some lotion on her suggestion. It was wonderful. By the time she finished perhaps an hour had passed. Though at first she told me to keep covered, I ended up naked, and she had rubbed my ass thoroughly (exclaiming its as soft as a babyâ€™s) and rubbed every plane on my body, from my toes to my head (except my cock and I finally ended up laying on my back my head in her lap, having my face massaged. She said, during, â€œI like to do this: think a man deserves to be treated like this. After my rub, though I was tired, I gave her one on request. I did it out of love â€“ I felt I would do anything for her because I wanted her to feel good.
We were drinking wine and getting sort of drunk. I had her remove her shirt, and I even pulled down the sweat pants to the top of her thighs and rubbed her ass. After we kissed. I was in ecstasy; for it was the first time that she caressed me. She stroked my hair and laid her open palm against my arm and back. I freely caressed her vagina with my fingers, and I felt at one point that we might â€œbone.â€ I put my middle finger all the way into her vagina and rolled the tip around inside the juicy chamber. Needless to say it was very tight and she exclaimed it hurt when I removed it. It was perhaps, after 4 am at this time, and I was so very tired, but I kept on, for I felt we might bone. (While Iâ€™m writing this, my whole body is in turmoil.) After fingering her, we finally drifted off to sleep.
In the morning we had to get up, but I didnâ€™t want to. I glimpsed at her pussy hair, which is brown. Naturally, she was very embarrassed about last night saying she was drunk and she knew sheâ€™d been bad. I assured her she hasnâ€™t been. I dropped her off at BART and went to work.
I was really beat by afternoon.
I showed Dad Uncle Bobâ€™s car. I may get the old Cutlass turned over to me. Mom had arrived from Korea when I got home. I got to bed at 10 pm and I called Mandy. We talked for an hour and a half! We talked of last night and she said how she was afraid Iâ€™d never call her again since she had shown me affection. I told her how my eyes had welled up with tears at the thought of last night and how, after all this time I had been craving her affection, it all came in a flood. She noted sheâ€™s got a very strong maternal instinct, and I saw this was true. She said she told her mom sheâ€™s been staying at my place, but that sheâ€™s not been having sex. (Her mom said she knew [on both counts.]) We talked a long time about Judith and my plans to see her. I told Amanda, though it was hard for me to say it: â€œYouâ€™re the one I want.â€ I donâ€™t want to blow it by going to Europe. She admitted that whole situation is a block between us (That sheâ€™ll keep me at armâ€™s length.) She said, â€œIt was about time that she was affectionate â€œto me,â€ that weâ€™d been together in the other way before and that we were due for a change. It was a wonderful, wonderful change. I am overwhelmed.
By the way, before we got off the phone, I suggested I might learn Heavy Metal. We decided to try it. She said listen to Sabotage by Black Sabbath.
She said: Itâ€™s changed me. (When I opened to youâ€¦) I saw you in a different way. I saw your innocence.
May 15, 1985
She said: Youâ€™ve been patient. Youâ€™ve stuck it out. Now you get the reward.
May 16, 1985
Went down on Mandy. She had her first orgasm.
May 19, 1985
1 am. Home from an ever so romantic weekend with Mandy. Our relationship has really opened up since Thursday. Although we arenâ€™t yet making it, we are intimate. By today she was kissing me, holding my hand, putting her arm around me; as I told her: Iâ€™m in ecstasy when she does these things to me. There is a lot going on. She realizes her parentâ€™s donâ€™t seem to mind if she stays with me (Or â€˜bonesâ€™). This weekend for the 1st time, I kissed her â€˜thereâ€™ not once, but about 5 times a day.
We talked seriously about getting a place. She says she doesnâ€™t mind SF. She says sheâ€™s got some money saved ($300) Iâ€™m happy.
May 20, 1985
Long day, Nitrous oxide and stereo while getting my teeth drilled. Makes me think about professionalism and making the environment of work â€œlivable.â€ Mandy called. She agrees to move out with me. Sheâ€™s got an audition with a group tomorrow night. She said she wouldnâ€™t join if I didnâ€™t want her to. She admitted sheâ€™s gotten attached to me and sheâ€™d be crushed if I never called her. Sheâ€™s gonna stay with me tomorrow night. She told her mom everything we did, and her mom (bless her) â€œdidnâ€™t even flinch.â€ She said me kissing her there was normal. Bravo Miss A_____. Mandy asked if sheâ€™d be mad if she got pregnant. Her mom said â€œNo.â€ Mandy said itâ€™d be a virgin birth, you know Mom. Her Mom said, â€œI know.â€
When I said I wanted to move out Mandy said yeah in August. [???] I said noâ€¦ this week! She said we donâ€™t have to get a big place.
Take that part of the truth, which is comforting and cherish it.
May 22, 1985
Slept with Mandy at home. Went to Arthurâ€™s in the afternoon. He said: â€œGood judgment and self-controlâ€ are needed on my part. He taped the conversation. (Arthur is a social worker working with Mandy.) He said I hit the nail on the head when I had decided that what I needed to do was to gain Mandyâ€™s trust. He said her problem didnâ€™t revolve around sex, it revolved around Trust. I can see this is true. He said: She tries to control. He said sheâ€™s â€œterrifiedâ€ of sex but Mandy says this is no longer true (in ways of Mandy-of-a-year ago.)
I at least got her to say that weâ€™ll leave the question of sex open-maybe or maybe not/sheâ€™ll let me know when itâ€™s okay, if ever. (Rather than never, never before marriage.) She said sheâ€™s been trying to get this across to me without saying it, but I didnâ€™t read between the lines. I think I did, but I need to hear it.
May 23, 1985
Today Dad made me VP of Finance. â€œHow would you like to be VP of Finance?â€ Hesitateâ€¦ â€œIâ€™ll take itâ€¦ How about and management of Information Services?â€ â€œI thought of that, but I thought it would be too crushing of a blow to Mike at this point (i.e., me being VP Finance and MIS).
Talked with Mandy a total of 2Â½ hours by phone. She affirmed sheâ€™s getting attached to me. Donna is going to let us use her place Saturday night.
Sex is such a heavy question with her that I wonder if I really want it after all. I mean of course I will if she wants it, but, morally, I wonder if itâ€™s right. She values her virginity more than anything, and I donâ€™t know if I want her to do it when sheâ€™s doubtful. I guess what Iâ€™m saying is that unless sheâ€™s sure, itâ€™s not worth it. However, Iâ€™m mincing words or if in reality, I would take I at the first opportunity, regardless of the circumstances â€“ perhaps that is unfortunate.
May 24, 1985
Iâ€™m alone here just now at the office 8:38 am. Have had Mandy on my mind all the time for weeks or months now. Although we arenâ€™t having sexual intercourse, things have gotten as close to it as I could have dreamed possible a month ago. Or the other hand, although things have gotten closer and I can touch and lick her, Iâ€™m starting to feel it weigh on me. I suppose Iâ€™ll go along with this for better or worse, but I guess I feel sometimes lately that it would be easier to take it if I didnâ€™t spend so much time in bed with her or otherwise. When, Iâ€™m with her, I want to take her to bed, when Iâ€™m in bed I want her totally as a woman. After a while, the hopelessness of expecting and being denied gives way to a sort of strength to withdraw myself form an entanglement with a girl Iâ€™m in love with (or in lust).
If Mandy read this, she should know that I doubt I can, in reality, withdraw from her â€“ itâ€™s more a symbolic strength. It says: Hey, I canâ€™t take much more of this. Iâ€™m not trying to coerce you. Iâ€™m serious that I feel so strongly about this that just as soon talk to you on the phone and keep my distance a bit more. But as I say â€“ I wouldnâ€™t tolerate being away if I could have her even on this limited level. As Arthur said itâ€™s up to each of individually what we are going to do with ourselves. I guess after a while, I feel Iâ€™m going nowhere.
May 25, 1985
Wedding: Before and after the wedding.
MBA taught me:
What is bullshit and what is not.
Where to find out what you donâ€™t know.
Whatâ€™s important and what isnâ€™t.
May 26, 1985
Went to Mikeâ€™s wedding yesterday with Mandy. I was very proud to be with her. After the wedding and reception, we went by her house and then by Donnaâ€™s where we spent the night. There was a period that Mandy sort of freaked and I think that I handled it well. She gets anxiety attacks but I left her by herself for an hour or so and then everything was okay. So today we have lounged around. Itâ€™s been blissful except for the last 20 minutes. I love waking to her. Kissing by the hour. Kissing her loins until she faints.
5 pm. Mandy read this a few hours ago â€“ many entries and I have to admit, they were all flattering.
May 27, 1985
Cliff house incident.
May 29, 1985
Talked to Peggy. I asked her how much trouble I was in with Judith. She said, â€œnot at all.â€ I said: â€œDid you tell her about you and I.â€ She said: â€œYes.â€ She thought it was great. She said.
Talked to Judith. Her sweet voice carried over the wire. I remember my love for her, I feel excited to think of seeing her again.
May 30, 1985
Met with Arthur/Mandy. Read beautiful letter Mandy wrote to me while in bed with her. I felt so much love for her. Eyes tearing.
May 31, 1985
This evening on the phone, Mandy told me she realized since Monday, she realized how much she cared for meâ€¦ and she didnâ€™t really in her heart of hearts, want me to go to Holland.
A very volatile session ensued. She went to Stockton with Chris. On my request, she called me when she got back, at 2:30 am. She was in misery about the idea of Judith putting pressure on me or coming to the States.
June 1, 1985
The whole thing with Mandyâ€¦ basically, Iâ€™m tired of getting blue balled. I am not willing to drop everything and live a life of celibacy while she may never decide she wants me enough to have a real relationship, woman to man. I will, of course, stay by her as long as I can, I donâ€™t think she understands. She sees sex as a sinister evil lurking to pounce on her.
June 3, 1985
Mandy called me at night and pressured me into not going to Holland. I backed down because I could understand her position, being now she has consented to becoming my lover in September.
Nevertheless, I am extremely distressed by the prospect of turning on Judith and disappointing her.
June 4, 1985
I looked in the mirror and was shocked and astounded by a fear that Iâ€™m losing my hair.
Mandy came by between 6:30 and 8:30.
I did her orally and I loved it. No sooner did I finish but her parents picked her up.
Talked at night on phone. Unwittingly, she placed increased demands for â€œengagementâ€ prior to loving and it weights on my mind, the never ceasing insecurities that need to be boosted by sacrifices from me.
June 5, 1985
5 pm. Woes to me. I am suffering a relapse, a real let-down.
1. Ken Willard has a â€œfreeâ€ copy of all my best work.
2. Mandy pressured me into not going to Holland. I face the prospect of letting Judith know I wonâ€™t come or I will be losing the prospect of becoming Mandyâ€™s lover in September.
3. I fear I am losing my hair â€“ the part seems to be awfully thin and scraggly.
4. Physically, I feel listless to an extreme. The impact of all this is weighting me so low, compounded by
5. The prospect of working at
a. Substandard wages with
b. Increased responsibility and
c. Obligation to my father
6. Lack of financial gain.
June 16, 1985
I think to call Judith tomorrow and tell her Iâ€™m not coming. Went to San Jose Civic Auditorium tonight.
June 21, 1985
When she said: â€œYou know that thing that you always say to me but I never say? Well, I think it of you. I have for a long time, but I could never say it, partly because this thing about Holland has been hanging over my head, such a good deal, I was so touched. This is how she said I love you the first time. But this precedes the phone call.
June 23, 1985
Butterfield and Butterfield appraises twice or Asian Art museum.
June 30, 1985
1 am. No writing for a month. Perhaps Iâ€™m afraid sheâ€™ll read what I would write. How hard a time this is for me, but even worse because my pain is not admirable, not like it was from exhaustion from gargantuan effort â€“ No! My pain is not admirable.
I called Judith. I wish so badly I would have gone. It would have been better.
My chest hurts, Iâ€™m involved in a job I donâ€™t like. Iâ€™m saving no money. Why! All for love, it must be my fate, my mission my duty.
I donâ€™t even write anymore. I get no joy from luxury, only from effort. My hands are tied, my spirit is confined.
July 1, 1985
Naturally, Mandy asked to see my writings from the last 3 days, the only bad thing, the only thing Iâ€™d written in a month. Well, Amanda, let it be hereby known that I love your dumb self.
I wish she wasnâ€™t keyed into this diary. I need to write. One thing I want to do is to buy a small microcomputer for word processing at home, because I need to be able to write â€“
1) At my leisure
2) On a word processor (Which I can use to separate wheat from chaff.)
All hope is not lost. I have a few new options. Instead of going to Holland, go to Haiti (climb itâ€™s highest mountain) and possibly the Dominican Republic and Jamaica. Adventure in the Caribbean.
So Dad and I have been traveling since 1 pm SF time. Itâ€™s now about 2 am New York time. Itâ€™s been a great day. Iâ€™m glad to travel again. I see horizons unveiling. Dad and I are getting along great. Things are opening up. I want to travel â€“ maybe next Jan. for 3 weeks â€“ after Mike gets back.
July 2, 1985
Heavy dreaming about Judith last night. She looked so foxy, all foxed out, that I wanted her back. Called Mandy from Zaire or wherever and told her Iâ€™d be late. Judith was with her friend and I was scorned, when I said: Do you want to take a walk? Later she looked me up. A note: â€œNo preconceptions. No anger. No guards. Villa Roseville, 11 am.
12 midnight. An enlightening and fruitful day, but disgusting in many aspects: smoke-filled rooms, liquor at night. Unhappy, soiled men, living an existence fueled by the lure of money.
The message pounds into me: this is not the life for meâ€¦ get outâ€¦ youâ€™ll never be happy like this.
Dad got disgustingly drunk, slipping on the pavement, befriending strangers at restaurants while I waited out in the car for him. He went to bed when we returned. I ran for 20 minutes, then took a dip in the pool, then laid naked on the diving board, looking up at the sky, feeling in touch with it for the first time in a long time, reflecting on being back in Rajasthan on the first night of the Taj Mahal pilgrimage.
July 3, 1985
7 am. Morning.
Dad is still napping. I feel so strange about what has transpired. I purpose for all the vacillating I do over decision, that by and large I have good judgment.
Mandy told me that if I had gone to Amsterdam that she would not have made love to me in September, but that has yet to come to pass and whether she would or wouldnâ€™t have in that case will never be known, but it can be considered that there probably would have been more problems and delays.
I made my decision for the long run, figuring Iâ€™d rather be with Mandy, and it would ease relations with her rather than make them worse.
(I am at a loss as to whether to continue to write the bold truth in this diary â€“ it seems it always gets me into trouble â€“ just as this sentence would.) If it all works out, then I guess I will be glad. I just hope Mandy and I will get along harmoniously.
July 10, 1985
I hope Iâ€™ll start writing in this book again, and this time Iâ€™ll hide it good from Mandy though at the same time, I plan not to give her anything to get angry about.
She says tomorrow sheâ€™s got an appointment, to get birth control pills. Iâ€™m happy about that.
I say Iâ€™m afraid Iâ€™m losing my virility but, I know that, deep down, itâ€™s not anything to worry about. I have as much need (even though itâ€™s being stifled as I ever had.
I told Clymer about my plans for NRG â€“ I think he thinks they are impractical. At least I donâ€™t have them fully formed.
I get a great feeling of satisfaction looking at the photo, the painting and the feathers I got back from Vision Gallery today.
July 14, 1985
Mandy slept over last night and this morning Gam and Aunt E and Uncle Bob came home.
Mandy hid in the closet and Gam started for the closet to get a folding table. I as quick and stopped her saying, â€œIâ€™ll get it!â€
Later uncle Bob spotted Mandy running in a t-shirt and panties for the downstairs.
They all said it was okay.
I am pondering how wonderful it would be to make love with her. She makes me happy. Weâ€™re falling love. She makes me feel loved.
July 22, 1985
Monday morning. After Saturdayâ€™s launching party, where Mandy threw the ring Iâ€™d given her into my face from a distance of 8 feet, hitting me just to the left of the bridge of my nose (as I walked away, red pouring from a view window of my left eye) â€“ and I felt both inspiration and anxiety at seeing Mikeâ€™s boat in the water â€“ inspiration watching the multicolored balloons flapping in the wind from their anchorage on the railing â€“ and I made Mandy retrieved the ring, now where was I? â€¦ Mandy promised I could make love to her whenever I wanted, that night if I wanted, but Hock and I got in a fight, that is, he became emotionally peaked when I told him how to remix the tape he played of the band heâ€™s in â€“Bedlam-, and Mandy later suggested that we wait until after her period.
Soâ€¦ we moved the date back to August 2nd, but sheâ€™s now upset at heart because she donâ€™t want to face my rigidity when we have problems which hurts her feelings greatly â€“ and I on the other hand want nothing more than to be loved and understoodâ€¦ it was one of those fights that leaves you feeling unhappy. I pray to God I could have a real relationship without fightingâ€¦ and now I go off to work, again, afraid at my contentment, yearning to see the wilds of the world, as I drive in comfort to the office.
July 28, 1985
Coming home from driving out to Golden Gate Park and the ocean, having forgotten our lunch, both a bit crabby from hunger, we got in a fight because I told her not to talk about her mother (She was bitching). She clobbered me on the head and I tried to throw her out of my car. She scratched my face. I controlled my anger enough to say: Iâ€™m not saying I want to break up, but Iâ€™m taking you home. We parked before the bridge entrance and ate the lunch (since retrieved). Mandy said: â€œLetâ€™s just do it right now. Letâ€™s get it over with.â€ I hesitated only to make sure she was ready. She suggested to go to a hotel. We agreed. I went home and got $ and called the Hyatt House.
We drove to Burlingame and checked in, showered, went to Gulliverâ€™s for dinner. She was getting anxious over dinner. When we returned we got in bed. I said I wanted to take my time. She wanted it to be done with. Before long, I put it in a little (Since having dispensed with using a condom), then slid it all the way in, her vagina grabbing it tightly. It wasnâ€™t long before it was over. As I came, trying to pull out, I was a wee bit late in doing so, though I afterwards denied it. After a second (short time), she said to do it hard as I could and it was nearly frightful how nearly violent her thrashings were. We did it a number of times. After 6 months of being denied I was a bit taken aback at the suddenness of the whole affair, though quite pleased.
July 29, 1985
We played hooky today.
August 17, 1985
I never get a chance to write anymore in this diary.
August 22, 1985
A $15 diary and I never â€œget to write.â€ Mandy is living with me now. Things are still bumpy but on the â€œGreatâ€ side. Business is booming. Well, at least: we made up for our 15K loss in the 1st quarter with $185K profit. There is a lot going on, a lot!
Clymer is going to buy a condo, so I have to look for a new place to live as $620 a month is too much for me to take on myself.
Mandy has been â€œrunningâ€ with me at night or exercising by herself.
She is getting better and better. I love it now, and I expect it to get even better.
Politics at work trouble me a bit. I feel like people are bad mouthing me behind my back â€“ sort or resentment for getting favored as the bossesâ€™ son.
I bought a computer with only 1 disk drive for $250. A MBC like we have at work â€“ a great deal.
There are so many changes. I hope before long I can start on â€œproject NRGâ€ exporting/maintaining/contacts/writing articles/arranging an expedition. Work is exciting, but I wonder if things are happening so fast that I will find myself.
August 24, 1985
Iâ€™m a mess. Nothingâ€™s happening in my life with music and such, butâ€¦
August 27, 1985
Iâ€™m at work now.
Iâ€™m worried Iâ€™m getting fat!
Iâ€™m tired all the time. I never get much rest.
Sex is great.
Iâ€™m worried about my future â€“ what will it bring. Iâ€™m concerned about always having to pay rent. I feel so mundane, while the feelings of elation and personal power while traveling.
August 30th, 1985
I feel I have been raped of my spirit! My dreams are put on hold until future notice. I feel ineffectual.