One Year Diary
1979

To Lynn: I think Rio is the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s so lovely in so many ways. I needn’t say it reminds me of you.

English – I love you
French – Je t’aime
German – Ich liebedich
Italian – Ti amo
Portuguese – Eu Te amo
Yugoslavian – Ya te boli (kate Boli)
Russian – Tebia Lubly
Quechua (Inca) – Munaiqui
Romanian Gypsy – Sasan Rumea
Spanish – Te Quiero
Greek – Seagapo

[Various lists and calendars omitted.]

Goals from Sept. 29th
1. I have a beautiful girl who’s madly in love with me.
2. I have an M.B.A.
3. I have a convertible sports car.
4. I have $3000 in the bank.
5. I have a well-furnished comfortable apartment.
6. I have a modern rock group.
7. I live in the vicinity of my family.
8. I am persuasive.
9. I am decisive.
10. I am successful.

[Omitted lists.]

Jan 1, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – The new year was smashing. I brought it in laying in bed with Toniça and after midnight we made love for the third time during the evening and the first time this year. Off to slumberland. Waking up, wishing Chuck and Howie a Happy New Year. I suggest another card game. This time again I was the winner – I won $15.50. Rushed off to eat a succulent turkey at Toniça’s – mulled around the house – gave her mom a ride to work. Toniça and I went to Taco Bell. We laid in bed the rest of the evening making love and relaxing. It was fantastic. She is a lovely girl. This whole weekend was so nice. I got to spend time just lounging around with Toniça and enjoying her beloved presence.

“Hi! This is Toniça. I love you whole bunches!”

The New Year started off with a delightful, bang.

Jan 2, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – Today was very exciting for a number of reasons. When I called the bank Karen said that she had talked to Mr. Madsen at my Florida bank, he said he was sending the money and that it should be here tomorrow (or the next day). I bought a $90 down sleeping bag for $29.99 today at J.C. Penny’s. They discovered their mistake just moments before I was going to buy it, but let me have it anyway at the low price. It is a great bargain. I bought this diary. It was one of the last three in the entire shopping center, which must have 75 stores. I made an appointment for Toniça to see the doctor on Saturday morning at 9 a.m. I slept out in freezing temperatures (to test the bag) for a few hours and the bag was fairly warm. I got a letter from Gary and he said he was psyched up to go to S.A.

Jan 3, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – I had vowed to myself a week or two ago that I was going to call Lynn Yoakley in Montreal on Jan. 3rd. From 6:21pm to 7:21pm, 1 hour, I talked with her. If she can she is going to fly down her for the last three days of Mardi Gras. I am excited and I hope she can come. I called the bank today and they did not receive my money yet. When the money gets here I believe I will get $2000 in travelers checks and stick them away someplace. Toniça and I made love tonight. Jeff made up a tape for copyright of a few of our songs. I talked with Tom and told him we should write 40 more songs before I go. Visions at the close of the day: to quit work Fri. Feb 23rd, have Gary arrive a few days before, have Lynn fly in on the 25th or 24th, have Milton reserve a room at the Maison Duprey for me, and have Lynn (& I) stay there. Leave for S.A. on March 1st and travel around the world and Mont. before my real return.

Jan 4, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – I’m a prisoner by my own device – no mj, no alcohol, I have no vices and I’m up by 5:30 a.m. to work at the shipyard. After work I see my girlfriend. Day in and out. I’d like to be the king of the world, or at least a musician or a songwriter. My money didn’t come in today. I’m a bit depressed. When the money does come in I think I’ll withdraw $2300 and buy some traveler’s checks and put them away some place. At least then I’ll feel my freedom more closely, and thus, I am sure my happiness would be increased. It will be stupendous if my money arrives tomorrow and by this weekend I can be sitting on more money than I’ve ever had in my life. Lynn hasn’t been off my mind for more than a few minutes the whole day. She said last night that at least every three or four days in the last year she’s thought about our experience on the Mardi Gras.

Jan 5, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Today, ah today was different to say the least. We put in our usual day. To the bank. Karen hands me a receipt for $1537. I was so happy. I left $400 in my account and I bought $2000 worth of travelers checks. $200 in 10’s, $800 in 20’s, $500 in 50’s and $500 in 100’s. I put them in my passport holder and I ripped up the carpet underneath my bed put it there and replaced everything the way it was. I was pretty happy. I’ve been thinking about Lynn a lot. I picked up Tonica after her work and we came back to my apartment and made love. South America is that much closer now. I phoned the Maison Duprey today and they said that the W-2 forms for income tax won’t be mailed until the end of the month. That’s kind of a bummer because I will either have to wait for my tax returns or leave for South America without them.

Jan 6, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – The thunder that just crashed actually shook the room I sit in. The soft glow of a light bulb illuminates the scene before me. My cozy room – a world map as large as my bed on one wall. In my bed curled up is a pretty blonde girl the earthlings call Toniça. Today I took her to the doctor – he gave her stronger pills, said she was OK. This evening we laid on my bed and I explained how I wanted to be free- that I wanted to go to New York up on my return to the United States. She cried but remained constant in her affection to me. So diary, when I leave I will be free to go for as long as I like. I told her I’d try to be back for her Senior Prom in 1980. Then we made beautiful love! I told her I’d like to live with her when she gets older, but that I am going to try to be a star.

Jan 7, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – I can’t wait to be free. I hope I can make it and have everything go OK. I guess inviting Lynn down isn’t the best idea as far as making things go smoothly, but for other considerations it would be perfect. I start the week tomorrow with a careful attitude. Tom tells me some guy got killed today at Avondale by a crane. Yesterday some guy was shot. I called Renada a bitch tonight and Mrs. Eastling said I was getting to be a pain in the ass. I hope that I stay out of trouble on that end because that is the most likely thing to go wrong. I wonder what Toniça is thinking since I told her I may not come back to New Orleans. I hope she remains true to me and doesn’t turn against me. I saw Lord of the Rings just a few minutes ago. It was pretty good. I am getting anxious to be gone, and at that time I’ll have to be more careful than ever.

Jan 8, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – Today I was horny. I couldn’t wait to get home and see Toniça. After I picked her up from work we had an exquisite lovemaking session – it was exquisite. I love when we talk about what we are doing. Tom and I got in a fight today. He’s such a lazy bum! I can’t wait to get to South America. I am very anxious. I can’t wait to feel the fresh sea breeze on my face, to lie upon a hot beach and soak up the rays of the sun. I want the feeling of freedom that one can get from traveling. I want to break way from the mundane rut of working day in and out. I told Toniça tonight that I may never come back and she got sad. But she’s great because all I have to do is say. “Hey snap out of it,” and she’ll say something funny. She’s a regular comedienne. Made love, of course.

Jan 9, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – In the morning I was still angry because Tom got to be pot-tender, but I didn’t say anything much because Bill Stokes, our foreman, was ready to blow up at me. When I got home I was depressed at the ‘mad at the world’ attitude I carry around. I laid down and dreamed of the mansion I long to have and the wealth I want. I felt re-inspired at the vision of this and I called those guys to attention. I offered to be back in June to go to New York. They got all excited and we all hashed over plans to have those guys save their money and get prepared for our trek to New York. Toniça walked over and we made love. She didn’t cum and I was disappointed. It must be largely psychological because sometimes it takes so little energy and she will cum and other times she won’t no matter what. I wish so bad that I could resolve what to do about my life or rather what to do about my affiliation with my friends.

Jan 10, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – Since last evening I have been seeing a star or bright light representing my dreams whenever I need guidance. It is most likely a temporary result of having visualized my goals the other night. At any rate; it seems to work. ABOVE ALL, and LET ME CONFRIM THIS. (The answer to my questions about all my dreams and direction in life, the resolution that I am searching for – Dyna-Pysch or no Dyna-Pysch – it is all waiting in my brain, waiting to be revealed – yet I can feel it.) – The ANSWER WILL COME CLEAR ON MY TRAVELS. If I can make a clean break in my present situation, I will be happy again and will once again call the shots. Toniça and I made love tonight. It has been really nice lately to lay by each other. It has been especially cozy and comforting. I hate to leave her because she is such a sensational chick, but I hate to stay and see myself be lost to the work-a-day group.

Jan 11, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – The days are drifting by so rapidly and I seem not to have a care in the world. I came right home from work tonight and I fell asleep from 4:30 p.m. until 10:30 p.m. During that time I had the most wonderful dream. I dreamt I had been on a long journey and that I was at a wooded lake with George Hopkins “Fat Boy” from Del Petro and a teacher (I don’t know his name) from High School. We were playing some sort of sport and I won by throwing them in the water. Then Tom and I were running and running on a sodden road towards town. We passed a college that was so beautiful you could scarcely imagine. There were so many stars in the sky and the college shone like silver and there was a lawn filled with people and the girls all had funny noses. I said I’d like to go there and Tom said registration started at midnight that night. Then Tom and I parted company and I went back to an apartment that my brothers, Marc and Mike and I shared. Mike was sitting there with Larry Ercolina’s wife with her arms about his leg, but they were only kidding about the implied infidelity. I went in my room and at the back of my door were a bunch of decals that Toniça had pasted on the back of my door, some with her name on it. I thought that this meant I would always have to stay in New Orleans and then I thought, “No, no, she won’t make me stay here.” When I woke up I was refreshed and I brought some dinner over to Toniça’s where I cooked it. We watched a movie with Joan Crawford in it. In it she was a deceitful housewife and she finally got caught in the end. I liked that part. T - 48 and counting.

Jan 12, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Got my paycheck and deposited another $100 in the bank to make $500. I opened a safe deposit box and put in it 4 diaries and some chains and things from girls and $1500 in traveler’s checks. I left out the other $500 along with my vaccination certificates, passport, etc., which I stored in my room. Now I have $2500 in cash reserves. I put an ad in the paper for Sunday to sell my amplifier. As I walked out the door a girl was sitting there who said she was waiting for someone – I let her wait inside our apartment and she ended up spending the night with Tom, but as she was quite raunchy, it was OK by me. Toniça and I were called by her sister Renada to warn us that her mother was staying home tonight. Nice of her! I took her home and then we said we were going to a movie. Toniça and I went to my apartment, where she and I made beautiful love. It’s such a happy experience being with each other. She’s got such a pretty body and cute face. We stayed in bed until 12:25 p.m., making love a 2nd time, her coming then, and I took her home. I feel asleep on her chair and came home at 3 a.m.

Jan 13, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – At the close of this rather interesting day I am pleasingly tired, well-loved and content. I took a trip over to the bank today and put my diary supplement in my safety deposit box. I borrowed Colin’s cassette recorder and have spent the day from 2:30 p.m. around the clock and, as I sleep, I am recording the reel-to-reel tapes of our 163 songs onto cassettes. One set will go to my safety deposit box and another set will go to the Copyright office so I can obtain a copyright. I picked up Toniça from work. After we had a short stop at her apartment we cruised over to mine so I could continue taping. We laughed and played and had a great time. About midnight we crawled into bed and had a great time. She had an orgasm again tonight when we made love a second time. Boy, making love with her is sensational. I never tire of her beautiful little body and her charm. I made a point of avoiding any heavy discussion about my leaving. I just gave her reassurance that I loved her whole bunches.

Jan 14, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – Today was very pleasant. I finished the preliminary part of the taping. I‘ll send one set out the copyright people and one set to my safety deposit box. (That girl Donna left today.) Toniça came over and we made love in the evening. We went back and we watched a movie about the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Then I came home. I only got one call for my amp today and the guy never called back. I’m getting along much better with Tom and Jeff these days – more and more pleasurable talks and less conflict. I wait for South America with patience. I have $2500 saved now. I hope to have $4000 saved by when I leave. I am very content now but I know deep inside at all times that I am extremely anxious to get out of there. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about wanting Lynn when Toniça is so damn loyal to me, but I have made a decision. I hope things work out for all.

Jan 15, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – The days drag by - boy do they drag by! Individually, they are moving rapidly enough but I still have 40-some-odd days left before I go to South America. Ever since I read the French Connection where that guy had a diary and he never got to write in it again because he went to jail, I keep getting freaked out about this diary and going to South America. Well, anyway I won’t be happy until I am on the road to Adventure. 1979 was the year I chose to Adventure and so I shall! Toniça, and I made love tonight. I always enjoy that. Thank God for that. Well, what to say? I am totally confused and lost in the world. At one time I thought I was sure but now I feel so unimportant! I hope I can achieve something great in my life so I can experience that joy. I will decide my future on my trip.

Jan 16, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – The days drag on. I guess I’m growing up somewhat. I mean I’m getting serious in my view of the future and such a bunch bullshit. Well, see, I’m not supposed to know what’s gonna happen in 2 days, which is quite monumental. I’ve been doing a lot of wondering about if my friends are good for me or not – if they’re holding me back. Believe me diary, you know better than anyone else all of the thinking that I’ve been doing – quite a lot of it- for such a long time. I am getting extremely bummed out and I don’t know exactly why, but since I’m writing this entry on the 18th instead of the 16th so by this time I am in a totally different frame of mind. In the next date I will divulge my reasons for why I feel so down about everything. Toniça and I made love tonight and it was our usual delight I’m sure, though I don’t recall.

Jan 17, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – First, yes, Toniça and I made love tonight and secondly besides that I can’t think of anything of great importance that occurred today. So I would like to discuss my problems here. See, it all revolves around my friends. If I turn my back on my friends I will be making a big change – and a statement that will affect my life. Will I allow the working of society to make me forget the importance I once understood of having these guys as my buddies? If I do, I will change dramatically as a person. But unfortunately I cannot see a way out. Because it seems like my friends have become my guards. I feel I can’t do what I want to do and still keep them as friends. If I don’t share my musical talent amongst them, what will happen to our friendship?

Jan 18, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – Today is memorable. After suffering a very shitty day at work I became resolved to making myself a person to be envied – a success – I clicked inside today. For months since Fred left, I have been in a state of confusion. I AM NO LONGER CONFUSED! I talked to Jeff and then I summoned up the courage and walked into Tom’s room. By the end of the conversation I had given him my decision. To Become The Best of Friends, But to break off as Musicians and go our own ways musically. At first he started yelling, and then he calmed down and then we were laughing and being friends like we used to [be]. It was sensational. And now I feel great that this has finally been done. One more step to clearing the path for adventures. Toniça treated Tom and I to a Wendy’s hamburger and then we came back to the apartment. Toniça looked real cute tonight. She and I made love and then I brought her home.

Jan 19, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Payday gives me a wonderful feeling – how unusual. I made my standard $250 and brought home my standard $190, but I’m working tomorrow so next week I’ll gross $325 and bring home $250. As of today I have a total of $2640 in cash reserves, I put an ad in the paper for the entire week to sell my musical equipment. Adding all this up with my tax returns and future (if any) salaries. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had $4000 by the time I leave. Ya-hoo! My safety deposit box is now full as I added a copy of the H.R. Tapes (Copyright 1979 Shea and Hockridge). Toniça and I made love tonight. Jeff and Tom are thinking of moving out into a house, tried to convince them to do it just before I leave. (It would help.) As I cultivate Tom’s friendship it’s surprising how little has gone wrong since last night. I told Toniça tonight that I might not come back.

Jan 20, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – Tom and I worked from 6 (a.m.) to 2 p.m. and when I got home I slept from 3:15 to 7:15 p.m. Toniça and I got out for long enough to lay in bed for two hours and make love. She is so nice to lay next to. Boy, I sure do love her. I reassured her tonight how much I loved her. Last night I really was sort of blunt about things – but I’m glad I was. At least now perhaps she’ll date while I’m gone. I’ve really set myself up for adventures – as far as I can see I’ve kept my friends so far and have at least one year in which to travel. I wonder if Tom and Jeff understand how deeply disappointed I am inside that Tom and I didn’t make it – sooner. Diary, perhaps as one would understand – but even if I know Tom and I were going to make it I’ve got to travel now. I guess maybe I’ve really blown the big one, because Jeff is down here and all, but a few years back I decided what I was going to do in my life and I want to do just that.

Jan 21
Metarie, Lou, 1979isiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – I sold my Hofner guitar and case for $160 today. The check along with a deposit of $200 on Friday will bring my cash reserves to $3000! On Friday!! Three of Toniça’s Mom’s friends were attacked this weekend, 1 dead, 1 a vegetable and 1 broken bones! Weird! Toniça told me about a Trans-Am that was a 1979, selling for $350, so Tom and I went out to find it but we couldn’t. Apparently three guys O.D.’ed in it and were dead for 3 months and they couldn’t get the smell out of it. Yecch. I did a lot of little shit today in preparation for my trip to South America. In fact, my trip is now exactly 5 weeks away (give or take a few days!) It will be fantastic! I hope I make it. A lot of times I get these involuntary flashes of being there on a beach day or night by a fire or with the trees blowing in the breeze – palm trees.

Jan 22, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – Today started out and was, for the most part, the best day I’ve had in a year. I am talking about the feeling I felt of supreme confidence and love of life… things of importance that transcend most material good to a human being. At the end of the night Toniça and I ended up getting in our first fight, but how serious can it be when I couldn’t ever be mad at her even in a fight. So we really didn’t fight – we just bitched at each other a little bit. Well, I am feeling the effects of the up-and-coming trip affecting me. I am getting more excited all the time. I played a great bass line to Thanks To You and figured out the musical notation in my head at work. More and more, as ridiculous as it may sound, The Mashed Alien idea is blooming like a flower.

Jan 23, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – Another pretty good day in what I hope to be a series lasting the whole year, and very well could if things would only go right. I picked up Toniça’s last outstanding packet of B(irth) control pills at K&B. Some guy called who is supposed to come over tomorrow to look at my amp for around $300. Jeff flew to Santa Barbara tonight to go to SF for Brad Fiske’s wedding. Made the most beautiful love to Toniça ever with her, and the best since Bernadette. If I sell my amp I could have $3300 saved by this Friday!!! Jeff will return Sunday. I figure my major obstacle besides time and luck in going to South America is now convincing Mrs. Eastling that I’m not going to S.A. because Toniça got pregnant and also to keep her from getting pregnant. Picked out some clothes that Toniça wants to get for me for Valentines – all cotton. Cotton is great and I decided tonight to bring all natural fibers on my trip. Mrs. Eastling was home tonight when we came in at 11:30 p.m. Danger? She didn’t even seem to notice.

Jan 24, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – Today, so far, being as it is only 5:10 p.m. has been pretty good. All day I’ve been thinking about going to Africa and I may have struck on a solution: travel from Brazil’s east coast to Africa’s west coast. There is a problem, however, and that is visas. How can I get all the necessary visas? Making love with Toniça the last two nights has been sensational. Why? Because we have been taking it slow and easy. Things are so much more sensitive when you take them slow and easy in bed with a girl. I decided that the best thing to do with Toniça is to tell her what she wants to hear, and stay as close to my true feelings as possible. I’ve been foolish, perhaps, in telling her the brutal truths I have considered, such as not seeing her anymore after I leave. But I’ve changed my tune, and why not? Why throw away a good thing when the price of kindness is so little to pay?

Jan 25, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – Now that today is over there is only one more day of work this week. When I come home I dread the thought of going back to Avondale, but by the next morning I feel refreshed and I don’t mind very much. Perhaps the reason that rich people aren’t always happy is because they still are poor in relation to what wealth they could obtain. I’ve done some deep thinking lately on the seemingly impossible problem of making a record and becoming known and then famous. How could this be achieved? – Had a good dinner as soon as I got home, brought Toniça some chicken from Popeye’s. Did a little recording. I got good ideas! Slept a little and Toniça got a ride over from work. We made love. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but I am still as wary and scared of having anything blow up in my face as far as Toniça and her Mom are concerned. Please God let me be free. I want so bad to travel.

Jan 26, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Today was great in a way – the financial way, I deposited $360 in the bank. (I hope the check for $160 for my guitar doesn’t bounce – from the guy who bought my guitar). This gives me a grand total of $3000 saved up. If I add on future salaries, etc. I’m looking real good financially. Plus the trip is getting closer – on the social scene it was pure hell. Hockridge is causing me a lot of grief. I wish he would stop. He’s accusing me of a myriad of social offenses. He decided today that he never wants to associate with me. He decided I’m this and that. After about 2 ½ hours I finally convinced him to be my friend, but then he was still obviously pissed because when Renada called he told her he knocked on my door but there was no answer, by which she inferred that we were sleeping in there and I just hope I don’t suffer serious repercussions because of this. Plus I can’t use his car anymore. I’m miserable over this. I just hope I can get out of here alive, as well as free.

Jan 27, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – I guess the best thing to do under Tom’s “new reign” as the ‘thinker’ is to keep as busy as possible and flatter him. He’s such a baby – if you flatter him he calms down –otherwise he screams and accuses!!! But I’ve got to stay busy. Maybe I should play a few songs with him. I hope doesn’t read this diary.
Well, well, well. Today was much better. I conceded a little and went over a few songs with Tom. It was then I realized how right I’ve been in my decision. Tom is a very awkward musician. He constantly makes mistakes even on his own choices. But at least I’ve found a method of pacifying him until I leave. Bought a few little items for my trip. Camille and Toniça came over at about 10 and at 12 midnight Camille left and Toniça and I had one of the best lovemaking session ever. It was astonishingly lovely. We were both ecstatic to be with one another. We went down on each other, which was superb. Then we made love. Me on top 1st. Then she got on top and she came and then I got on top and I came. She smelled good all over and was sweet with a capital S. I feel asleep at her house till about 4 a.m. Saw Superman with Tom today.

Jan 28, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – Today was pretty great all way around. Man, the first time I felt really happy and free. I spent a leisurely day with Toniça and she and I made love in the afternoon. I got home about 11 p.m. and Jeff had gotten back from the airport and from California. Trying to get to sleep an idea hits me and I have to get up to write about it. On Feb 11th I am going to fly back to California and when I get everything ready, Gary and I can leave from California. I’ll call Lynn and see if she wants to fly back there to meet me. This will take care of Toniça’s Mom, sort of, and I can get Toniça out to dinner, etc. I have decided I have worked too much and next Friday I’ll give my notice at work. If I sell my amp I should have just enough money to bring $3300, have all my supplies, fly to SF and buy Toniça her presents.

Jan 29, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – I became aware today of things my whole life I’ve never realized. What are we? We are composed of approximately 90 novillion atoms – and what are those atoms composed of? Smaller and smaller particles. In essence, depending on your perspective we are beings of immense size – so immense it is clearly hard to imagine. Anyway, many, many thoughts invaded my mind today along those lines. We are Gods capable of seeing across universes, lifting universes, traveling universes. This is not fantasy, but fact. We are all immensely powerful creatures. When I came home I did all sort of chores and then about 9 p.m. I fell asleep. Toniça came by but I kept sleeping and she got a ride home some time later from Jeff Clymer. What can I say? I wish I was gone already but I must admit that it is only one month away. Now I’m thinking of staying it out, cause if I do I can get some great supplies, a new pack, and I could fly back home for nothing. Think of Lynn, wish I could see her.

Jan 30, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – Today was sort of mediocre. Toncia and I made love this evening and it felt so good!! She’s a lot of fun to make love with. You know, I have to admit that I’ve got this urge to make love to a different girl. Psychologically this period of my life with Toniça is wearing rather thin. I want her and yet I want my freedom. My cherished freedom, away from all worries, and my main worry is getting arrested for statutory rape. If I can just make it for another month I’ll be off scot-free. I plan to come back to Toniça someday, but I want it to be on a free basis next time. I don’t want to be breaking the law. I hope I’m more intelligent next time I get involved. I sure hope everything turns out OK. I’m trying to be as careful as I can and cultivate her family’s friendship. I hope I’m all here if something happens and I need to think fast.

Jan 31, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – Today was exquisite! I don’t know, I’m so happy that everything is going so well. I have been so conservative and things are so right, even I can’t deny that things are beautiful. For example, I do so much worrying about Toniça that sometimes I never stop to realize how lucky I am to have a cute little girl just hanging all over me, doing anything I want!! So tonight I really took notice of the delight I feel when she and I make love.
Also, my patience with Tom has paid off. We got along really great today; Jeff and I did too. Diary, I have been doing an awful lot of thinking about Lynn today and lately, I guess that’s what love is. I want her so bad and loved her so much and want to see her so much that it makes me write her, etc. On prep for S.A., I traded Tom a tennis racket for his rain suit, I arranged to sell my amp and speaker for a paltry $290 on Saturday (possible) and I found out that my tax returns won’t be sent back till March.
Memo
Wow! For January 1979. All sorts of things have happened in the last month. I resigned from being a Romantik, I got my money from Florida. I called Lynn Yoakley in Montreal. I got a down sleeping bag, etc. In general, I prepared to leave for South America. I have exactly one month to go before I leave for South America. A lot of things happened in January 1979. Tom and I got in some pretty heavy arguments. Most important of all, I’ve answered a lot of questions in my own mind about myself, life and others. I decided that I’m going to attempt to be a professional songwriter/musician. I’ve decided to straighten up and start being more considerate to others, more consistent and more thoughtful about my plans and actions. I decided that my friends are my friends and I hope they shall remain so and I’m gonna try being more honest and courageous.

February 1, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – I’m at a state in life trying to choose between happiness and success. For me, I am wondering if I can have both. To be happy, all I must do is to chose Dyna-Psych and close my eyes to reality and dream of success a mile a minute. To be a success I must become serious and intent. When I’m happy, I’m flighty. When I’m a success, I’m unhappy. I want to be realistic and optimistic. I am intending to start using Dyna-Pysch as soon as I figure out my new goals. I’m confused now but I don’t intend to be for long. I’m starting to realize the qualities I need. For example I need patience, communication, courage, and stability. I’m fairly certain that it is my cautiousness which is on the brink of pessimism that forces me, scares me, into succeeding. I’ve always been that way, making myself in my own mind to be the underdog.

February 2, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Because of many bills this week, I deposited only $10 in the bank, which gives me $3010 as of right now. I got my W2 forms from Del Petro, leaving only the ones from Maison Dupry outstanding. At 9 p.m. I fell asleep and Toniça came over and laid next to me. I awoke at 2:30 a.m. with her by my side. I woke her up and we undressed and we made love for one hour. It was so relaxed and comfortable, it was superb! I still uphold Bernadette’s comment that for Success in love you must follow 3 rules Soft, Slow and Sweet. Each part of that song Pretty Baby, which I wrote from the music from Thanks To You, has been building in my mind until now I believe I could write a symphonic piece out of it! Diary, you would not believe how much I think of Lynn for a girl I haven’t seen in over a year. These feelings come over me and I want to see her so bad. I wrote her a letter today asking her to come to S.F. – what a perfect idea! But I haven’t mailed it yet.

February 3, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – Tom and I worked for $9.44 today per hour OT. After work I came home and slept and such. Toniça and I have such a wonderful love affair happening. Tonight when she and I made love it was exquisite. We made love in a fashion we hadn’t tried before. She left my penis in her mouth for a long time and I felt around her lips with my hand and then put my finger in there and found out what it feels like in there. I caressed her vagina with my finger and she asked me to kiss her down there, so I did. When we had finished that she was laying on her back. I slid up on my stomach with my head by her feet and then put my dick in her upside down. Boy did that feel good! Then when we finished that, she turned on her stomach and I knew she wanted it from behind - dog style. So I laid on her back and as I was about to come I told her and she stated moving real fast as the semen spilled into her, and she came within seconds afterwards. [I got a letter from Lynn today – she says she’ll come down if her boyfriend goes to California in February.]

February 4, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – Tom worked the graveyard shift last night, so I went to work alone. I was nine minutes late because I had not woken up until 6:45 a.m. Work went by quickly. I tried to sleep when I got home, but Toniça kept calling me, so I went over and had dinner. She’s been being so nice to me that I felt like kind of an asshole when I started saying a bunch of stuff about wanting to be free. She cried a few times and I felt guilty, plus I’d rather see her happy, so I cheered her up and I went home. I mailed off the letter to Lynn about meeting her in San Francisco, and I’ll write her again soon to see if I can further the progress. She says she already asked her boss and she’ll come for sure if she can if her boyfriend takes a tentative trip to California in February. I love her a lot and I’d like to see her. The days are getting close to my departure and all of a sudden I’m not so anxious to go, because it’s so close it is starting to finally seem inevitable I will go. I am still praying.

February 5, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – Today (hopefully) was a very productive day. Tom and I went to work only to be sent home after an hour due to rain. It was an opportunity to get some things done. Although my passport doesn’t expire till May 1980 I turned it in today and applied for a new one that should be good till 1984. That way I won’t have to consider coming home because of an expired passport. I had to pick up a copy of my W2 from Maison Duprey because my other one got lost in the mails; rather, it was delayed. I sent my tax forms in and I should receive $470.33 back from the IRS, sent to Dad’s address in California. Makes my savings $3,480.33. I wrote to Giovanna, talked to Lenora on the phone, wrote to Dad, we paid the electric bill. I packed a box of stuff and I cleaned up and went shopping. Toniça and I had a great time tonight together. I have never ever seen the likes of her love – she is incredible.

February 6, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – You know, this may come as a surprise, but the regrets I’ve had about being tied down around her and being fearful of all the bad consequences that could have occurred have been eliminated in one single stroke. That stroke is the erasure of fear from my emotional make-up. I’ve been under pressure so long that it suddenly has become meaningless to worry. I just do my best for everyone and myself, try to do things right and hope for the best – after that, what else could I do? Toniça and I get along great. She is so loving and she makes me very happy. She’s pretty good looking. I’d give her a 7.5 or an 8, I didn’t work today and I did very little. Financially it looks like I’ll just be able to hit my goal of $4300, and what’s left over I’m spending on preparation, etc. My major obstacles now are Mrs. Eastling, time and keeping Toniça un-pregnant for 3 more weeks. I’m going, come hell or high water and I’m gonna have a great time.

February 7, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – I received my passport in the mail! I just applied for it Monday. The new ones are real neat, and I’m glad that I renewed mine. I feel great. The closeness of my departure is starting to sink in on me and I feel outasight!! Getting my passport has boosted my spirits. Things are going so well I am expecting something big to interfere; everything is going better than according to schedule. If all goes well – one week from now I will practically be ready to go. Arrangements such as shots, the amplifier, boxes to be sent home, the $3300 goal, and supplies could be achieved by then. By the following week my precise plans, work notice, final plans for packing, information, final supplies and domestic duties can be fulfilled. The final week, shipment of possessions, quitting work, packing, etc., could be completed. Made love to Toniça tonight. Jeff has a bad earache. Sang a few songs, feel great, fearless, cautious and confident.

February 8, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – Today was pretty easy at work but it was a bit raunchy later on. I fell asleep after dinner. Toniça came over and at about 10 p.m. I woke up and no sooner did I than Tom started playing his bass again. Everything was aggravating me. I felt guilty about Toniça and I was kind of rude to her. She and I finally made love and though it wasn’t much, I felt better once we had. I can imagine how tough it must be on my friends not having sex and all. I walked Toniça home and then we watched TV. I went home and fell asleep. At the end of the Odd Couple they have a theme song and Toniça and I dance around. It’s a blast because the song is really corny and we act very stupid. For so many reasons I can’t wait to leave, and yet, how can I complain? Despite the anxiety I’ve had a lot of fun and pleasure with Toniça, so no matter what happens I’ve got that much.

February 9, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Today was pretty good. I got my paycheck. I took home $292. I deposited $190 in the bank to give me $1200 plus $2000 in TC’s gives me $3200 cash. When I got home I packed a lot of my stuff in boxes. Renada called and in the conversation she mentioned that her Mom said if Toniça doesn’t get home by 10 p.m. from now on that she is going to call the Sheriff’s office. Renada said, “You can go to jail, you know.” So I’m getting ready early and taking the utmost caution. Well, Toniça went directly home from work today. I watched a show called the Heroes of Rock and Roll, and it showed actual film clips of the Beatles at the Cavern Club in 1962. Well, after I finished packing, I wrote a letter to Lynn and mailed it on my way to Toniça’s, arriving at about 11:15 p.m. It wasn’t long before we went into her room. (Renada was asleep in the living room). Toniça and I undressed. I went down on her then she and I made love. After a while, she got on top and came. Then I got on top and came. We fell asleep on the couch and I woke up at 5 a.m. with Renada lying on the couch the opposite way. I left.

February 10, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – I mailed off 4 boxes to Dad - $12.40. I ran to the Clinic and got my Foreign Immunizations – Smallpox, Cholera and Typhoid. So far so good. The rest of the day I didn’t do too much. At about 8 p.m., Renada called saying Toniça had to be in by 10 p.m. I told her I was busy and hung up. She called back, but Tom answered and said I wasn’t home. I called the police and they said I could be arrested just for being with her if her mom wanted her in. Well, I got all bummed out. Last time Mrs. Eastling got on my case a few months ago – Oct 1st – I predicted she’d be cool till Mardi Gras but even if she blew up I’d escape the wrath. I guess I shouldn’t be scared. So Toniça and I made love. We didn’t get home till 3:15 a.m. and I slept on her couch with her till her Mom got home. I got a letter from Lynn but I haven’t had a chance to open it yet.

February 11, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – I think I will go out of my mind if I don’t escape the sociological problems confronting me. Friends struggle, love – mother. I feel like the most misunderstood person in the world. How could anyone be mad at me? The world must be archaic in its social forms. I wonder what direction the evolution of society and tradition will take? I wish it would follow me. I am light, I am air and warmth. I don’t care to accomplish anything in particular in my life other than enjoy the world and be as good as I can at all times.
Today I talked with Mrs. Eastling and the darling Toniça bounced in my lap. I had a nice day and enjoyed myself. Why does everyone question me? I watched Gone With the Wind Part I – Good Flick. I identify with Rhett Butler, lady killer.

February 12, 1979, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – I think I’ve discovered the secret of being like Sinatra, Elvis, the Beatles – getting laid. Anyone who can draw that kind of energy from earth can be a god to millions… plan is to arrange to get laid a lot by beautiful girls and transform that energy to stage. I will have my genius proved. Scared - ? Watch out.
12:10 a.m. 2/13: Today was magnificent. I sold my amp for $300, giving me a cash reserve of $3500. With tax returns I now have $4000. I have been daily reorganizing my belongings to get ready to go. By the end of today things are quite together. There are many things I want to buy before I go. Things are going so smoothly and so according to schedule that I am very wary. Toniça and I … made love. I am in the midst of writing a song, Pretty Baby. I plan to pour a lot of work into each finished piece. Hock was singing it. I’d better not play originals in front of him.

February 13, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – The bridge was shut of by an accident this morning, so Tom and I turned and went home. We returned to work at 10 a.m. Meanwhile I went to the bank and deposited $300 giving me a grand total of $3500 in cold hard cash. After work I drove Jeff down to drop off his Cadillac and then I went shopping for dinner and I cooked all of us a spaghetti feast. I got a letter from my Dad and he sounded pretty good. He said my brothers and sister will be jealous of my plans. I packed a few boxes that I’ll mail tomorrow. You know, diary, I don’t ever want to be poor again. When Toniça came over tonight (I picked her up) we made love for a good while. She finally came about five minutes after I did. I was horny today and I needed it. If Lynn doesn’t come down here I would love to take a bus ride up to see her, but if her boyfriend is there she won’t be horny and then she won’t be susceptible to love.

February 14, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – Now time is flying by quickly. I’ve pretty much stopped counting the days. For one thing I’ve got a lot to keep my mind occupied. There are a lot of things I’ve got to do and my days will be pretty full from now on. Today is Valentine’s Day. When I got home from work I slept till 9:15 p.m. Then I went over to Toniça’s. I gave her the dress and she presented me with a pair of pants and two shirts for South America, all 100% cotton and light for hot weather, most of which we previously picked out. Toniça is hurting now and I hope she’s OK. We didn’t make love. She’s got some internal pain near her stomach. I’m going to wait until Gary gets here to make my final preparations and plans. The kind of things I’m bringing and buying will partially depend on what he’s got. I love Lynn, I love Toniça.

February 15, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – Today was a great day. As the days go by, more and more, my situation improves. For one thing, Jeff and Tom and I are getting on great now, especially Tom and I. It is great to be friends again. If I wrong him I tell him I’m sorry and that boosts our friendship even higher. It’s nice not having to be proud anymore. We’re all beginning to act like kids again, in that happy way, and that is the true essence of the “brothers.” When Toniça and I made love tonight, we really made love – soft and slow and sweet. It was terrific. She’s not feeling well down there so we sort of had to, but I plan to slow my lovemaking down anyway – to where it takes you on a trip through time, space and dimensions where you realize the magnificence and awesome size of human life. I exchanged a pair of Valentine pants Toniça got me – the ones I got are great. I mailed letters to Dad and one to Lynn, sort of my last one till I find out her plans. Gary phoned last night – arriving Sunday.

February 16, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Tonight Toniça and I got so intensely sexy it was great. We did everything and worked up to a frenzy in which she asked me to come on her face so I jacked off in her pussy pulled it out and my jizz flew into her hair and face and eyes. It was a little perverted, but very exciting. Time is coming so close to my departure that I am getting confident, excited and frankly surprised. Things are going so perfectly, so according to schedule, that I am a bit suspicious. I heard a saying once, don’t rely on a series of fortunate events. I have $1510 in the bank. I only deposited $10 today. Returning a shirt at Danny’s I met a girl named Ginger. I’m gonna try to fuck her. The first Mardi Gras parade took place tonight.

February 17, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – Gee, the days are rapidly approaching when I’ll be on my way. Gary is supposed to be arriving tomorrow night. I bought a lot of things today. I spent about $80. I bought a good pair of sunglasses and case, a bunch of real quality stuff bags, toiletries from A-Z.

[List of specific toiletries omitted.]

I feel a little nervous and I get that eerie feeling when I spend so much money in one day. Jeff and I had a long talk. There seems to be understanding between us. He said he hated Toniça for a long time, that she’s fucked me up. Well, he’s an asshole for hating her, I’ve come to the realization I can’t have both my friends and her and be happy. Toniça and I had a smashing time tonight. She’s so much fun to make love to. What a body she’s got. I’m interested to see Gary and looking forward to it.

February 18, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – The days are closing in ever so rapidly. I spent the day doing stuff after I had slept in. Later on I went to Toniça’s. Gary arrived tonight. It was good to see him and even better to see this crucial step in my/our plans take place. I still don’t feel quite right and the reason is that I have not yet decided my exact course of action. Gary wants to stay and wait for tax returns and work - probably until about the 15th of March, almost another month. Well, I just don’t know. In a sense, I know that great things will most likely happen and yet I feel discouraged on the surface. I guess it is just that I want things to work out so badly that I am underplaying my emotions.

February 19, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – Work, home, bed. A routine sort of day that’s left me feeling sort of blue. I meant to go to the parade with my friends but I never got out of the house. I argued with Toniça on the phone and then I fell asleep. Late at night I woke up – 12:30 a.m. and I called Toniça and I went over and gave her her pill. I told her some things I regretted, things that just made her feel sad, things that never have to be said. I’m confused, diary, about what I want to do, where I’m going. I think I learned one thing from my experience of 1973 with my Mom and 1974-1975 during my recovery. I learned to have confidence. Confidence means that when you are in doubt and unsure and miserable, that you know you’ll figure it out.

February 20, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – By the end of today a whole new world had opened up to me. As I suspected Gary and I are in the same frame of mind. I want to get away from the serious, anything serious turns me off, I want to be jovial, and Gary and I are very jovial. I made a decision today. Next Thursday moving about 4 a.m. or so, I will board a bus or train for San Francisco. I’ll stay there until I receive my tax returns and I’ll pick up Gary’s tax returns and mask and snorkel. From there I will meet Gary at a pre-destined place in Texas. Tomorrow I’ll give notice to Charlie. Tomorrow is a big day, now that I’ve decided. Toniça and I got along great tonight. She and I made love twice. I think she’s being especially tender and loving to make me remember her. I made a 1st Super Suggestion today in a long time: I know Exactly What I
Want to do in my Life. And it really is beginning to come clear to me. My first goal is to travel.

February 21, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – Wouldn’t it be a shame if something kept me from going on my trip? Only one more week left to go. I deliberated all day on my plans – should I work an extra week or not, etc? Well, it’s 2 minutes until midnight and I just called Dad and told him I’d be coming home before I went to South America. Of course, being Dad, he was happy and said so. He said he thought it might be a good idea to fly rather than take the bus. I plan to tell my boss, Charlie, at work tomorrow and to tell Mrs. Eastling on Saturday morning. My indecisiveness is getting to be a bother, but how can I make a proper decision unless I’ve got complete knowledge? I am scheduled to leave next Wednesday night. Toniça and I spent the evening together tonight and made beautiful, beautiful love. I want to be rich.

February 22, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – Well, today I told my boss, Charlie O’Donnell that my father busted his leg and that I had to go back to California to help him. Charlie said that he hated to see me go and to come there if I came back looking for a job. I was very happy following this event and clearly looking forward to not having to work anymore. Gary and I looked at the world map in my room and upon my suggestion we are tentatively planning on leaving via Key West, Florida. I am planning on flying home and returning by plane to New Orleans. We talked of our plans and were very excited. Toniça and I made love tonight and I brought her home and fell asleep on their couch till 3:30 a.m.; woke up, left minus one sock.

February 23, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – Today was my last day at work- Hurrah! I went out tonight and had a fantastic time. It was really superb. I went to the airport with Gary and I found out that my fare to go to SF was going to be $120 more than I had expected, so I forgot about that. Also, Gary and I picked up his friends from Casper, Wyoming. We all went to dinner at Augie’s ($15 each), then to the top of the International Trade Mart for a drink and then to the French Quarter for some more, finally to Kaleb’s in Fat City. I looked and looked and finally I spotted a girl there named Jan Smith. I asked one of the guys from Wyoming, Bill, to help me. Eventually she came up to me and shook my hand because Bill asked her to. She asked me for a ride home and then she changed her mind cause some friends came, but she gave me her phone number. I didn’t ask, she offered. At 5 a.m. I went to Toniça’s and slept on the couch with her.

February 24, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – Today, again, was absolutely fantastic. Happiness is based on dreams that come true. Gary and I had a summit this morning where it was decided we should leave next week as originally scheduled and begin our trip down through Florida, taking a plane from Miami to Puerto Rico for $59. We plan to visit Key West before we leave. In the afternoon I played the guitar; that was a blast. In the evening I took Toniça to Augie’s. The highlight of the meal was the Trout Raymond, a perfect-sized trout smothered in a sauce profuse with crabmeat and topped with succulent, delicious whole sautéed onions ($28). Toniça and I arrived back at my apartment and had a spectacular session of lovemaking. It was better than before, as we have developed a habit of improving every time.

February 25, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Sunday – I talked to my father tonight and my mother telling them I couldn’t go to SF because of the money. Dad called back saying that he had found the flight that was $160 in advance and I told him I’d for sure get a ticket tomorrow. I did a lot of reading today from Gary’s South American handbook. It’s full of information and should be very useful to us in our adventures. When Toniça’s Mom went to work tonight Toniça and I went to my apartment and made love and fell asleep until about 1 or 2. Bill Uker came in and asked if he could use my bed so I slept over Toniça’s on top of her sister’s bed. I have not told her Mom yet about my departure. I’m a bit disappointed that I have not even heard from Lynn, but now it doesn’t really matter, as I am engrossed in my nearing adventure.

February 26, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Monday – Today was very productive and a lot of fun. I feel a bit strange spending money on all sorts of preparations that will be possibly stolen before I have a chance to use them. With good luck and caution I might be able to keep my possessions for ½ the year or the trip. But I’m really expecting it to get stolen sooner or later, by the end of my trip. Gary and I bought a tent, a flashlight, sun tan oil, air mattresses. I bought a diving mask, snorkel, bathing suit, wool socks and white socks. My pack weighs too much. Gary and I decided to hitch to Texas on next Sunday morning, and go down through Amarillo to Mexico City. This, of course, is a change of plans but only back to the original plan. I made love to Toniça in the evening and then later I went out with my friends. Some little fat pig tired to pick me up by running her hand on my leg but I told her I had a girlfriend.

February 27, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Tuesday – Fat Tuesday – Mardi Gras – It was really neat today. Because of the police strike the festivities were very great here in Fat City six miles away. People cluttered the streets. When Toniça’s sister had left in the morning (I slept over last night), Toniça and I locked ourselves in her room and made sweet love in her bed. Then I met her later on in the day and off and on we walked the streets, listening to music. We had one drink, which she bought. I got stoned in the evening for the first time in the longest time, perhaps 6 months. Toniça and I walked back to her house. I’m going to miss Toniça so much. She’s just about perfect for me. Maybe it’s good that I’m getting way because although I want to be with her on my return, I also want to stay single.

February 28, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Wednesday – In the evening Gary’s friends took us out to eat at Spaghetti Eddie’s. I had Shrimp Marinara. It was good and the wine, a Valpollecella, was excellent. Today in the afternoon I took Toniça around to sell ads and she went with me to get my final paycheck at Avondale. I said goodbye to Charlie O’Donnell and he said to come back. After Toniça sold ads she and I went to my apartment and made love. Then I dropped her off at home and went to eat with the guys after we did a bit of packing. After we ate, I went over to Toniça’s and we spent the evening together. She’s so sweet that I’ll be truly saddened if she is taken on my return. Lord knows I want to stay single and this trip is just the thing to keep me from settling down too much.

[Omitted notes and lists.]

March 1, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Thursday – Today I went downtown with Bill Eucker, Gary’s friend. I dropped off some baggage at Greyhound to be sent home. It cost $43.50 for 4 bags weighing 80 lbs. After we went shopping so he could pick up some stuff for the people back home. Then we had a lunch of crab and beer. It was a real treat. (In the morning Bill and I and George had a foot race of about 60 yards, which I won hands down.) Well, we packed our stuff in the evening and by about 9 p.m. we had finished most of the packing. Those guys left and Toniça and I stayed behind and we made love on top of my bed. Making love with her has been a growing experience. She has developed into a great lover and has great sensuality.

March 2, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Friday – It was storming this evening. During the day I took care of last minute details, such as getting the cleaning done, getting another $1000 in traveler’s checks, getting the cleaning deposit back, returning the phone. In the afternoon I dropped off Tom’s car with junk in it at Jeff’s house across the river. When I tried to leave to come back across the river Tom’s car got so flooded by rain I had to hitch a ride with Jeff to our old apartment. After Toniça got off, she and I made love twice and then we went to Spaghetti Eddies for dinner. We had lasagna and I drank ½ bottle of Bardolino from Verona. Then we went to her house. I met her sister Lucille and then fell asleep on top Toniça’s bed with Toniça. Mrs. Eastling and I talked (til 7 a.m.) after she got home.

March 3, 1979
Metarie, Louisiana, near New Orleans
Saturday – It’s hard to imagine I’m really going to be gone so soon. Yet life is a continuous adventure. One event drifts into the next. As I embark on this adventure I am also getting prepared for my return. I bought that pack by Dolt for $105 today. I don’t have to worry about the pack breaking down. I saw a lot of Toniça, and I bought her 2 gold bracelets for $17 (very thin 14k), she bought me lunch. At 11 p.m., after I got my pack packed, Toniça and I made a very memorable love, one that I won’t forget. She had a braid on one said of her gold hair and smelled perfect, lip gloss, etc. I fell asleep on her couch at about 2 a.m. She cried a while but for the most part we just drank each other in, hoping to make the memory last the year I’ll be gone.

March 4, 1979
Houston, Texas
Sunday – I leave with $2,910.15. I have $523.73 in the bank, $470.33 coming in Tax returns (and $411 for next year). Presently I have $3,904.21 or $4,315 net worth in cash. It was sad to leave Toniça this morning. Her Mom was there and her sisters scattered sleeping in the apartment. She cried and laughed and looked so cute. She really looked great last night. Boy, am I going to miss her. I hope she still wants to ‘rape me’ on my return. I walked back to my apartment and Gary, Jeff and Tom came by about 9 a.m., an hour later. Jeff and Tom treated us to breakfast at Pitt Grill on Clearview and then we said goodbye at about 10:30 a.m. Jeff and Tom drove off. Gary and I walked to the on-ramp. It took us till 5 p.m. to get 100 miles. Then a weird guy named Lee took us to Houston. We ate at a raunchy restaurant by the bus station. We deliberated on taking a bus.

March 5, 1979
Brownsville, Texas
Monday – We found out it was illegal hitchhike in Houston, but rather than pay $26.20 and sit in the raunchy dump of a station I convinced Gary to walk out of town. We started walking and smoked a joint with some guy kept, walking, and, finally worn out, got a ride from a black lady named Beverly took us to her apartment and save us some terrific pot roast, potatoes and string beans along with some scotch (on top of the B&B, pot and beer I already had). She drove us outside the city limits, and then I kept her talking about her sex life so she drove us about 30 miles. I fell asleep on the side of the road, wrapped in my down while Gary got us a ride to Victoria. We got a ride to outside Brownsville, shortly afterward another short hop into the city, where we arrived after about 26 hours at 12:30 p.m. We got a hotel room and meaning to only catnap we fell asleep till 2 a.m. the next morning, when I got up and wrote this.

March 6, 1979
En route on bus to Mexico City, Mexico
Tuesday – We woke up, went to Lucio’s Café for breakfast. We had Hueveos Ranchero and I additional pancakes, Gary an additional burger. We exchanged our money - $2249 pesos per $100 U.S. Gary’s diving mask was there as expected in the General Delivery. We left our luggage at our hotel and went into Matamoros, Mexico. There we bought our bus ticket, 288 pesos, to Mexico City. We had a lunch and some beers and then walked to a poverty stricken region in town where all the whores were; looking to find a blow job for $4 or $5 we ended up getting laid for $7 and $6.50 (me). Gary’s whore had a medical certificate saying she was checked this morning and his said mine had been checked too. Why did I do such a stupid thing? Never again! I had no desire to fuck her and she kept grabbing at my limp dick. Finally I got a little hard and came inside her in about 15 seconds. She was fat and raunchy. I feel like the whore. I deserve better and it’s the last time I pay. I’m looking for love, not sex. We went and got our luggage and caught our bus at 9:30 p.m. I almost turned back and went to Montreal.

March 7, 1979
Yale, Mexico
Wednesday – Today was much, much, much better – even though all in all yesterday wasn’t a bad day. We started making jokes on the bus in the morning and all of a sudden Gary’s face lost whatever threatening looks it held before and he looked like a child - happy and free. Last night we argued and then talked – we had almost split up. But today showed us how wrong we were. It was a great, great day. Upon arrival we stopped, thereafter caught a bus from Mexico City, D.F. to Teutihua - there the Pyramid of the Sun and the Pyramid of the Moon tower above the other ancient Aztec structures. We split up and, respectively, climbed them. I first to the Pyramid of the Moon, then the Sun. Gary in reverse, I took a photo of him walking far below when I was on the Pyramid of the Sun. In town we took a taxi to a hotel, Yale, that was recommended in a handbook we’ve been using on South America. We call it the Bible. For $6 a night we get 2-double beds, shower, bathroom. I left the Bible in the taxi. We had a great meal and took a walk around town. We were so happy. We found two copies of the 1979 edition of the book we lost. It costed $26 U/S. There must only be five copies in all Mexico.

March 8,79
Mexico City, D.F., Mexico
Thursday
We fell asleep last night around 10: 30 p.m. We had gone to our beds around 9:30 p.m. and talked for an hour about our lives. It was bitchin. I had a neat dream about meeting Denise again and how girls ware crazy about me. I miss Toniça. I want Lynn. I want a woman!
I have $2863.00. I have spent $667 in 4 days and traveled 1500 miles. Today was rather miserable.
We got a visa for GGG and went to Chapultepec Park. In the evening Gary and I were at odds and I left the hotel room about 6 p.m. I tried to call Lynn but it was $4.00 per minute so I didn’t. I was planning to leave Gary and fly to Montreal on Saturday to see Lynn. I felt so much in love and so hopeless in Mexico, so far away. For six hours, I walked the streets of Mexico City. It was splendid. But I thought and thought. I stopped for a snack and beer and a man invited me for two beers. Then I went home.

March 9, 1979
Acapulco, Mexico
Friday – Today something wonderful clicked inside of me and I feel transformed into my self of 1975 on the road, absolutely and totally happy, free and excited. Today we woke up, had a long talk, ate lunch and left to get a bus to Acapulco. As we pulled out of the Central De Sud I suddenly decided to be a positive thinker once again, and since that moment I have been extremely happy and have had a great time. I am filled with the adventurous spirit. I sent a letter to Lynn before we left Mexico City. My general plan is to see Central and South America and Caribbean, have $1500, fly to Europe, spend $1000, fly to Montreal with $500, see Lynn, go home, go to New Orleans and then move to New York. When Gary and I got to Acapulco, after a fascinating evening ride though the mountains of Mexico, we ate and went to a place where he slept and I watched guard.

March 10, 1979
Acapulco, Mexico
Saturday – Although intermingled with some trying moments, today held some of the most exciting moments for me of the past year. What can I say? Life is so wonderful right now. Travel is wonderful. And so is love. And I may be in love. But as I learned one thing on the ship – you can never tell what is going to happen with a girl. Acapulco – “a city for love and many other things” – a saucer of mountains surrounds this paradise. It is extremely beautiful here. Gary and I went out to meet girls and a real cute one I spied kept smiling. She looked French and she was playing with the waves and water, laughing. We met her and she and I took pictures of each other with her 35 mm camera on the surf. When I called her at her hotel (Calita, Room 511), she said, “Why don’t we get together tomorrow!” So I said Sure. She said she’d expect my call at 11am. I had a terrible sleep/diarrhea.

March 11, 1979
Acapulco, Mexico
Sunday – Today was the best day in years. It was romantic and rather wonderful. Last night I called Mary Jane. Her roommate, Fatty (Maureen), rather rudely… hung up. Today I went by the hotel and swam and later on I finally got a hold of them and they thought it was an Italian who called and I was relieved for it kept my image good. Well, MJ and I went swimming together and went sunning together and had a delightful day. They were both nice to me and I took my leave about 5:20 p.m. I haven’t been feeling well, though the tomatoes are good for the diarrhea, so I didn’t eat dinner. Gary and I went to a disco and then I said we’d have better luck on the beach. He didn’t believe it but sure enough we met two girls, Lori and ____ from the states. We talked for a while on the beach and then they left. We said we might come by tomorrow. I walked home - a very long walk. Rats on the street.

March 12, 1979
Acapulco Mexico
Monday – Oh! The Joy And The Wonder Of Love. I decided today that I would see where I stood with MJ. So I spent the day with her friend and her. In the evening I had dinner with them and to my happiness Maureen excused herself just before we left the table. Mary Jane and I laid on the lounge chairs by the pool and then took a walk on the beach. We sat in a beautiful garden below the rooms in white chairs. After a long talk I finally told her I was uneasy, then kissed her, then asked her to hold me and we embraced. Not so long after I was telling her I loved her and feeling her small firm breasts through her shirt, I ran my fingers up her crotch; sharing, kissing. She kept talking and then I told her I liked talking to her, but I wanted her to be quiet so we sat there with our heads on each other’s shoulders and she would giggle a little, wimper a little and sigh a little, and she became so tame. I told her I loved her. I told her earlier I might leave tomorrow, partly as a trick and after I told her I was staying, but I must be careful not to ruin her friend’s time. I walked home at about 4:30 a.m.

March 13, 1979
Acapulco, Mexico
Tuesday – Today was disappointment, but put things in perspective how disappointed can one really be when he is free, healthy, has money, is in a beautiful resort in Sunny Mexico? So the disappointment is mild. I was waiting for Gary to leave all day and we got talking to some Mexican lady who said she could get us some free tickets to Puerto Escondido. Gary waited around till 9 p.m. and she said he’d have to wait till morning. My master plan for the next two days slowly ruins. My master plans! The second I say “master plan” we can be sure it is going to fail, for master plans involve reason and life is not reasonable. Gary and I bickered below the Caleta. I called MJ. I had intentions to wait until tomorrow - well anyway. She gave me a multitude of reasons why Maureen was unavailable because I was stealing her away. After midnight we (Mary Jane and I) went down to the most romantic spot, laid on lounge chairs together. I felt her bare breast.

March 14, 1979
Acapulco, Mexico
Wednesday – Last night I was disappointed because I did not get to make love to Mary Jane, but that is sort of over now. When I think of it even for its beauty, last night was the nicest I spent with Mary J. The fact that she even got out of bed at midnight for me and went down to such a romantic spot… I said, “Please kiss me,” and she said “Oh, I will” and she did and she laid slumped in my arms on the lounge chair. It was nice. I debated all day if I should call her but decided against it and just swam and played the guitar. Gary and I went down the beach for our last night in Acapulco. We were walking down a street when two policemen with rifles came running up but luckily someone above them came driving up and told them to leave us alone. We went to a disco, then to Denny’s and we stayed up all night and got our bags at 5:30 a.m.

March 15, 1979
Puerto Escondido, Mexico
Thursday – We walked to the bus station and caught our bus at 7 a.m. I got sick on the way from eating some enchiladas. It was a magnificent bus ride though, despite my sudden ill stomach. The newness of the scenery so captivated me that I never cared about it. The banana trees and small towns were so interesting; I love seeing how the geography changes from the US to Mexico and will enjoy seeing it as it changes. Well, Puerto Escondido is quite a place. It has the best beach I’ve seen yet in Mexico. In the first real authentic town I’ve stayed in, in Mexico. We talked to a bunch of people. We went bodysurfing for a few hours. We bought a pineapple, sliced it up on the beach and ate it fresh. It was delicious. There are young people all over just like us - from US, Canada, Germany, Australia to name some.

March 16, 1979
Puerto Escondido, Mexico
Friday – And today I had huachinango – which is fresh red snapper fish – made in a restaurant on the shore. Unfortunately I laid out in the sun right after that and it was then I contracted a very bad sunburn on the skin that had already peeled. Immense pain was mine tonight. To relieve some of my suffering I went down to the beach to play my guitar, but it didn’t do much good. It was really foolish of me to lay out in the sun. And so here I am. I’m traveling and as the days go by I begin to wonder that classic of all questions, “What am I doing with my life?” I try to rationalize my answer saying I am doing this or that but really, at this time I feel a bit foolish. In one ear is Toniça’s mother, “But what are you going to get out of it?” Somewhere inside me is the answer.

March 17, 1979
Oaxaca, Mexico
Saturday – On a rather short notice we caught the 12:30 p.m. bus from Puerto Escondido to Oaxaca. It’s not far but it takes about 9 hours because the bus winds its way through the mountains – back and forth. So really the large part of the day was spent en route to Oaxaca. We met a girl from Australia on the bus and we slept alongside her in the bus station in Oaxaca. The bus ride was terrific. The mountains are beautiful. Banana trees grow in gorges where precious water falls. I had a cold today and my sunburn blistered all over my chest and back. I feel terrible physically but I am very psyched up over the bus ride. It must have been at a very high altitude because I was getting a little light-headed on the trip. Gary and I laughed a good part of the way.

March 18, 1979
Oaxaca, Mexico
Sunday – When we woke at the bus station today I was asking myself why the hell I was even here. My cold had flared up and my blistered skin was hurting plus I was tired. We found a remarkable hostel that just opened up last night for 15 pesos or 66 cents per night. It is really great. There’s a couple of girls from Norway there and a few from the US and a guy from Brazil. June and Gary and I went to the market by the bus station and Gary and I went to Mitla after. Mitla is a Zapotec ruin and is quite small but interesting. By the end of the day, although I felt bad physically, I felt much better spiritually. I really like Oaxaca and this hostel is the place for me. It’s so cheap and big and it’s right off the zocalo – the town center.

March 19, 1979
Oaxaca, Mexico
Monday – Today was a truly memorable day. It was great. Gary and I caught a bus (after a breakfast of orange juice and then banana juice) to one of the most famous ruins in Mexico called Monte Alban. On the bus we met 2 German girls and by the afternoon we had convinced them to change their bus tickets. They were supposed to leave tonight. Now tomorrow we are going together to Guatemala. Today I feel great. I’m beginning to realize it all over again that is, what travel is all about. I’ve not felt this alive and well in years. It is total freedom. I feel healthy and alive and cocky and arrogant and it feels good! There’s no pressure on me from “society.” The German girls aren’t great looking but not too bad and they’re a blast to be with.

March 20, 1979
Oaxaca, Mexico
Tuesday – I’ve got nothing to lose – a great realization to get yourself doing things. I’ve got nothing to lose – in fact that is a beautiful philosophy. It is trying to hold on to what we think we’ve got that makes losers out of people. No one need be like that. We left in the evening to go to Tapachula. The girls barely caught the bus and if it hadn’t have been 15 minutes late in starting we wouldn’t have been with them at all. The bus ride was too hot. (I got locked in the bathroom but it had a window! I looked at the stars for a while before I even realized I was locked in.) Before the bus ride today I played the guitar for a good while as I did last night. Gary and I sent a box to his Mom’s house full of the things we could do without. Now my pack is bearable. My brief memories of Oaxaca will be dear – it was the spawning ground of a counter-culture I liked to be a part of – or head of.

March 21, 1979
Santiago, Lake Atitlan Guatemala
Wednesday – My happiness is staggering (which could be taken literally or as a reference to the amount of alcohol I consumed today). In the morning we arrived in Tapachula, took a taxi with an obnoxious brat from UC Berkeley, and caught buses on the way to Lake Atitlian, Guatemala. Gary and I had a stopover in Patulul to cash checks, the girls on to San Tucos. Gary and I got conned into buying an old Guatemalan lunch, we drank 4 beers each and had a great talk. We met them (the girls) in San Lucas and ate. I had an avocado omelet with about ½ lbs of avocado for 75 cents. We bought a bottle and got drunk. On the bus to Santiago, Irme was sitting in my lap and kind of kissed me and Connie said, “Now I’m jealous, so I kissed her, then we (Connie and I) ended up making out in a bus full of Guatemalans the whole way! When we check into the hotel Connie came to my room. Irme was ill. Connie and I took off our clothes and made love. Then later we had sex for maybe another hour but I didn’t come. She said she loved me. I returned it. We made love there in the dark hours of the morning. It was nice and warm and loving.

March 22, 1979
Santiago, Lake Atitlan Guatemala
Thursday – Connie and I make each other happy. We awoke in bed together huddled under my down bag while I got out in the wee hours of the morning. Just for the record I kissed Connie’s vagina repeatedly last night and at one point she kissed my dick. The whole time we love we smile and laugh and play and express our appreciation. We made love again this morning before we got out of bed. This place is a trip. Gary’s undergoing disappointment at the moment. Today was near perfect. I stayed in bed writing until almost 12 noon, then showered and then we went and ate. Afterwards we went to the waterside. This is a village where the people are living very wonderfully and they have bamboo houses and a cooperative garden by the water. We ate a late dinner and then we returned to the hotel. Connie thought I did not want to sleep with her (I have been very independent today), but I came to her and we went together to bed. Connie and I made love a long time kissing each other down there. I slept well.

March 23, 1979
Panajachel, Lake Atitlan, Guatemala
Friday – Happy to hear this morning that Gary kissed and slept next to Irme (but they didn’t make love). When we awoke today Connie and I made love. I had a great breakfast for $1.20 and they caught a boat for Panajachel. I wanted to go to San Pedro but I let them talk me into it. I was right, Panajachel stunk – it was so touristy. San Pedro is supposed to be untouched. I guess I was tired today and I could not be bothered with anything. I was pissed at Gary and he at me. In some ways, let’s say socially, it was not a very good day – but I met a girl from England who knows a lot about the music scene in London and England and says it is hopping. He says it is happening and that I should go there or New York. It’s my 1st exposure to New Wave and I’m excited. I split off from the other 3 but Connie found me a few hours later and came running up to me. Tonight Connie and I made love for a while and fell asleep.

March 24, 1979
Panajachel, Lake Atitlan, Guatemala
Saturday – Gary and I made friends again today. Connie and I made love before we got up. I spent the morning with the guy from England, John, and it was interesting. John has got me thinking a lot about music again. It’s a very wonderful and positive news for me to hear about the New Wave music. Gary and I had this conversation and it’s very positive how rational, reasonable and sensible I can be when I want to be. Perhaps if I develop my consideration, my personality would be an effective tool in getting what I want – also hand in hand I guess is giving others what they want and that I will want and try to do with all my heart. I am writing a song I have entitled Stage Fright and it’s a very significant piece for it is a feeling I know. I‘m a very frightened person and I think so is everyone else – on a subliminal level. Connie and I had a talk in bed, then we made love and then we fell asleep. A lazy day in Pana.

March 25, 1979
Guatemala, Panajachel by bus
s and arrived in the Capital at about 5p. We stayed in the Hotel Mundial for $2 each. The section of the city we are in – Zone 1 – is very dirty and ** ugly and extremely raunchy. The days are flying by quickly now, as if no time has passed. One day flows into the next. I get up late. I eat, I am lazy and feel cocky and arrogant, self-assured, connected, considerate, and quite wonderful, and very s***. I haven’t a care and I try to avoid them at all possible costs. I want to lose myself and immerse myself in nothingness and not be too orderly, but just live and absorb my days and my travels with the ambivalence of a God. I feel superior. I’m spending over my budget but I hope to rectify that by some costless hikes in the terrain of the six Central and the 13 South American countries I’ll be going to. (***)

March 26, 1979
Guatemala City, Guatemala
Monday – I have 22 countries more to see in this Hemisphere, about 15 in Europe plus the 16 I’ve seen makes 53 a goal, ¼ of the countries available as a goal. 46 in Africa, 30 in Asia. Today - boy, am I becoming flippant. Well, I’m working on that song Stage Fright – I don’t know why I’m becoming so flippant as of late – I don’t know why I’m spending so much time on that song. Or can I be honest with myself and admit – that I think it’s the best song I’ve ever written and that I am fully intending to record the damn thing when I got home. I don’t know if you noticed but when Jeff Shea decided to do something, when he has made a decision in his mind, he always follows through. I made love to Connie. In the night I had a dream about Lynn – it was incredible – there we were – her so beautiful, me in love – us together. Then Connie woke me up. Damn, damn, damn. Time to pack.

March 27, 1979
Flores, Peten, Guatemala
Tuesday – (Yesterday I just bummed around and mailed letters to MJ, Toniça and Gam, sent a Happy Birthday postcard to Dad, went to the embassies. Gary was sick.) Today I was up before 7 a.m., and said, Connie woke me, because she got up to get her plan to Flores, Tikal. Gary and I desired also to fly and when we got to the airport the girls had bought us tickets. When we arrived I went with 2 girls we met on the plane to San Miguel, a row across the lake from the island Flores, while Gary went with the German girls. As it turned out –I didn’t see them again today, but that was purely unintentional. By the time I asked the Frenchmen to row us back they invited us to dinner and the girls wanted to stay. So we drank 5 bottles of local wine made from apples (there were 7 while waiting for dinner). At times the evening was almost mystical – there we were at this little spot eating dinner from a big pot on the ground and I didn’t find Gary on my return so I crashed at the girls’ hotels.

March 28, 1979
Flores, Peten, Guatemala
Wednesday – When I woke up within Diane and Dawn’s hotel room today I felt badly that I deserted Connie and the gang. I left the 2 girls from SF and I went to the tourist office to have the guide take me to them. (I saw him last night on the road and he said he’d take me there in the morning.) I ended up going there by myself. I found them and we all came back onto the Flores side. Connie and I got a room together and after a decent lunch we went to our room at the Hotel Santana and made love. It was really great. Coming felt very good. We took showers and went our separate ways. I walked though the streets and alleys of Flores, which is very, very small and built around a hilltop with buildings all the way down to the water. Gary and I spent the evening with Dawn and Diana from the States. We had dinner together (a very good and filling dinner for $1.50 – soup, steak, rice, French fries, 2 small tostadas with Guacamole) and Gary and I got beat in pool afterwards. We drank wine. I met up with Connie and she and I went to our room and made love. After a day of saying he wouldn’t, Gary slept with Irme.

March 29, 1979
Flores, Peten, Guatemala
Thursday – We got up and Diane and Dawn came to our hotel and asked us to come swimming with them. We rented a boat and rowed to San Miguel. There we swam, laid in the sun, I drank a bottle of Vino Tinto and Gary and I performed a version of an imaginary television program called the Ted Guatemala – Tod Bodd Show. I played pool in the afternoon. Beat Gary. It was good for many laughs. Before dinner Connie and I made love quickly, just thought we’d squeeze it in. Everyone ate dinner together – the French Canadians, the Germans and the Americans. Gary and I took a constitutional around Flores in the evening. In the bedroom, Connie gave me head and then we made love. It was real nice. She always tells me how good she feels when were together. She’s so sweet. I really like her.

March 30, 1979
Flores, Peten, Guatemala
Friday – Woke up today with Connie and made love: I wasn’t really even horny but I just thought I’d get one in while I could start the day off right. Gary and I had breakfast together. Afterwards we went to the Tourist Office and played backgammon. He won most of the games. He’s quite good at the game. After that, he and I brought our air mattresses to the lake and paddled to an islet nearby called Santa Barbara. On it they have a Toucan - one of those birds with the real big beaks – and not only big – they’re very colorful beaks too. Afterwards Gary and I went for a beer and met 2 guys from Washington D.C. who are here for anthropology with other students. We got Diane and had dinner at the restaurant they ate at, and the people at the restaurant thought we were with the group so we ate for free. After we all went to a bar they called Animal House because it was full of stuffed animals. I got drunk and didn’t get in till 4 a.m.

March 31, 1979
Flores, Peten, Guatemala
Saturday – When I came in last night or this morning at 4 a.m., Connie was packing. She seemed a little pissed off – and I went directly to sleep. I had come in earlier to get money and she was laying there nude – she tried to grab me – told me to stay and I had left. So when I awoke this morning she was gone, but her pack was here, and a note: “Mein leibling (my dearest) Leave key with the man at the desk, pay for the room, Connie.” I deduced that she had gone to Tikal. All day and all night I really did nothing. I was hung over from last night. The thing is, is that I truly missed Connie. I didn’t realize just how much fun she had been till she went away. I saw a lot of the girls from San Francisco today and I couldn’t have been more bored. They are definitely better looking but they seem so uptight and defensive. In the evening I just walked out of Animal House without notice. I don’t want to see Dawn or Diane again. I played the guitar and wrote and went to bed early by myself.

April 1, 1979
Flores, Peten, Guatemala
Sunday – That ‘early to bed, early to rise’ thing really works. I just woke up and I feel wonderfully refreshed. It seems so empty here without Connie. [I had some heavy dreams last night.] Yesterday Gary and I had a talk about the book we’re going to write – he’s very serious about it. I wrote a letter to Lynn last night before I went to bed, which I’ll send tomorrow. Gary and I breakfasted, then I worked on various songs, then we rafted to that island again. When I landed back in Flores I saw Irene. Shortly after Connie and I made memorable loving to each other for a long time, maybe an hour – it was truly memorable. I ate a great dinner of white fish, potatoes, rice, soda, coffee and sweet bread. I came back to my hotel and Sheldon and Bryan from D.C. were looking for me. 2 girls bought Sheldon and I a beer. I went back to the hotel and fell asleep waiting for Connie. When she came in we talked for a long time. I told her I want to be with her. She gave me great head and then we made love. Again, it was truly memorable.

April 2, 1979
Flores, Peten, Guatemala
Monday – Today I woke up and Connie and I made love before we got up. Connie and I went to have breakfast, but she ended up eating with these guys from Switzerland. Gary and I went to Tikal on the 12:30 p.m. bus. We arrived at 3:30 p.m. after a rough ride. We obtained permission from the authorities to stay in the ruins until 7 p.m. We hiked with a girl named Claire from England to the Temple of Inscriptions, Temple I, II, and the Temple No. IV, from which we watched the jungle and the spectacular sunset. Gary and I left a dead scorpion on the temple IV. In the dark we saw a snake on the trail and stumbled on some more ruins. Walking on the jungle road all of a sudden the black road lit up and the sky flashed brilliantly. For ten seconds a meteorite of blue and red flew across the sky. We slept in hammocks rented for $1 each. It was cold and damp.

April 3, 1979
Tikal, Peten, Guatemala
Tuesday – I woke up this morning at the call of some jungle birds just at day break. I wrote a song about my experiences with Connie while having three of the worst cups of coffee I have ever had at the Comedor Tikal. This was so nice to write a long lyric. I went back and got Gary out of his hammock and sat while he ate. We hiked to Grupo G and then I led the way across the jungle to an unmarked ruin quite off the beaten track and dug in only at the opening at the top. We hiked to the Plaza of the VII Temples, Temple III, Plaza Mayor, Temple V and back. Gary and I caught the bus for Flores at 2 and arrived at Hotel Santana at 5 p.m. Connie and I talked for an hour and then she and I made love and oral sex. Connie and I had a great dinner, our last at the El Petén restaurant. I went and played my guitar and wrote. When we got to bed Connie and I made love – for me it was probably the best I ever had – we kissed each other’s organs repeatedly. It was terrifically sexy. I was totally in control and felt large inside her.

April 4, 1979
Belize City, Belize
Wednesday – At 7 a.m. Gary and I, Connie and Irene, and 2 boys from Switzerland left Flores and arrived in Belize City at about 6:30 in the evening. The atmosphere makes a definite change as one crosses the border in to Belize. The people talk quite differently than what I am used to. I’ve been thinking a lot about my musical career and I am anxious, in a way, to get back and make another attempt to make a record. I am really disappointed about the situation I am in. Connie and especially Irme are making things unpleasant for me. Connie and I sat together the entire day on the bus and we checked in to the same room. She’s good to me and sweet to me. I understand though how mad girls have gotten at me for going out with other girls at the same time. Connie talks to the guy from Switzerland, and although I trust her, that nothing sexual is happening, I still feel it’s impolite. She stayed an hour after dinner with Irme and the 2 boys and I was asleep when she got in bed. Gary is really getting pimped.

April 5, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Thursday – At about 4 a.m. Connie and I got in a little argument in bed and at about 5:30 a.m. we made love. When I awoke I went to change my money, to buy stamps, to the Honduras embassy to get a visa, to breakfast and then to wash my clothes. At 3 p.m. all of us left, except for Gary, who had left at noon. Now – the boat ride is supposed to take 1 hour to Cay Caulker. Our boat finally left at 3:45 p.m. and took 4 ¼ hours, arriving at 8 p.m. All of us got soaking wet, and were cold – but it was a ride I’ll never forget. Connie and I huddled together to keep warm as the water and spray hit us. The moon came out as the sky darkened. She and I kissed and it was totally romantic. When we arrived it was too late to get dinner and all the electricity had gone out. I stumbled across Gary in a tent rolling a joint. We all got (except Gary, though he did by himself) drunk on rum and stoned. In a stupor, Connie and I made love again before we went off to never, never land. It was a memorable, rich day.

April 6, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice.
Friday – Connie and I made love once in the morning before we got up. That was a little routine. Then we went to breakfast around 7:30 a.m. Good start. We put our clothes out in the sun. Then I rolled a joint and we smoked it – unable to resist, in a haze, we rolled down on the bed and made love superb. During the rest of the day I went snorkeling, played the guitar, got my clean clothes ‘situationed,’ talked with Cappa. The electricity turned back on the island about 6:15 p.m. At 6 p.m. we had a lobster dinner for $1.75 (US). It wasn’t great but the lobster itself I enjoyed. We smoked a lot of pot after dinner. Then we went out and had a few beers and I had a hamburger to fill me up. After I had a banana ice cream with Connie and Irme. I went to bed and Connie went out. (In the early hours of the morning I awoke and she and I made love once more, recorded tomorrow.)

April 7, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belize
Saturday – Before we made love when we awoke early this morning, Connie told me that last night she thought it was Jose in my bed, and that she went out to look for me. It was funny. At breakfast, Gary told me that she had woken him up last night looking for me. The gang and I went to the reef today. I loved it. We ate a bit of raw conch. I was surprised it was good. I swam around with my mask and snorkel on and the underwater scenery was new to me. We got back about 1 p.m. Connie and I made love and relaxed a while. (I believe this is so but we’ve been making love a lot and they seem to run together.) We had lunch around 4 p.m. and I had a great barracuda dinner for $3.00 Belize or $1.50 US. Afterwards we smoked some pot, went to a bar to drink. Irme bought some tops and we smoked them. I was very stoned. Connie and I went for another ice cream tonight. Later than usual Connie and I went back to our room and we made love. We kissed each other in our privates and then turned around. After we fell asleep. We both knew it would be our last night together.

April 8, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Sunday – Knowing this was the last time we’d see each other in awhile Connie and I made love before we got up. We breakfasted and walked around the island. It was really nice – she’s such a devoted girl. We went back to the hotel room about 1 p.m. and made love a last time. It was one of the nicer, more memorable sessions because we laughed a lot and for me it was especially sensual. At 3 p.m., even though (Irme and) Connie suggested I go with them to Chitumal, I walked her to the sailboat and we talked for awhile and then kissed. I gave her my addresses and she gave me a picture of herself. We planned for me to come to Germany and she sounds like she would really like to see me there. I watched as their (Connie, Irme, Jose, Phil) sailboat went into the water farther and farther away. I had dinner at a new place and it was great – barracuda again. I partied with Dawn and Diane. Then went to bed alone. I’m going to miss Connie (and Irme). After all, I’ve been sleeping with her for 2 ½ weeks.

April 9, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Monday – Gary and I went to breakfast together this morning. After we just laid in our tent and argued – but mostly just out of boredom. I went out and wrote five sets of lyrics. Gary and I smoked a couple of joints in the tent during the day. I’ve been virtually perpetually stoned since I arrived on Cay Caulker. Gary and I had a beer before dinner and then ate barracuda again, though this meal wasn’t as satisfying as the last. I miss Connie. God, I was laid a lot in the time we were together. But I want to hold off on chicks at least till Wednesday night or Thursday when I know she’s supposed to be back in Germany. But maybe she’ll be in Isla Miyuen. I hope she got her bus. After dinner I played pool for one hour with Gary then partied a few hours with Dawn and Diane. I listened attentively to them. They are a very curious pair. It’s so beautiful here. There are many breathtaking moments in the day in scenery.

April 10, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Tuesday – To me, Cay Caulker is beautiful but right now I’m getting a little bored. Well, I’ll sum up the day’s events. Gary went to the reef and I stayed behind. I sewed, washed a few clothes, wrote a bit and worked on a few songs. At night I didn’t eat dinner and Gary and I both retired somewhat early. I’d like to devote the rest of the page to a general summary of my thoughts at this moment in time. I feel a little bit of a failure in music, but only because I gave it up. Therefore I am rather looking forward for a chance to rectify the past. I’m at a dilemma with what to do – if I should go back (and form a group) with Hock or not. I think about Toniça and the thoughts are pleasurable as I envisioned her body. I’ve been smoking a lot of pot here on Cay Caulker.

April 11, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Wednesday – Today Gary and I got a hotel because last night the wind was just too much, and we’re tired of the living conditions. We found a bottle of anise in our room and went to where the hurricane ripped the Cay in two in 1962 and went skin-diving. We met two girls named Elke from Germany (7) and Jeanne from the USA living in Mexico (4.5-5). Well, we had a good day and had lobster for dinner. For a general shortage of girls on this island it was funny because we had dinner with 4 of them and after sat in Sid’s with them. I was fascinated by the German girl’s body and eyes. But one by one they went home leaving only me and Jeanne. Well, in classic style we went to a pier and we made out for a long time, feeling her breasts and cunt through her pants. It was a bummer that she didn’t want to make love. We talked later in her room. I just don’t understand.

April 12, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Thursday – I am a lost but lucky soul. Sometimes I feel I’m on top of the world, but shortly thereafter I feel in the gutter – well, not that bad. Complete, utter defeat was mine tonight on the chick-picking up scene. Gary and I were going to leave today but I wouldn’t get up and then I decided to set up my tent next to Elke’s hammock at Mrs. Rivases and Gary was going to go so we agreed to meet up in Costa Rica in a few weeks. At the beach where the hurricane went through he told me he had decided to stay for Easter weekend. So I spent the day with Elke walking around. At night I got too stoned. It was the first night I haven’t been walking around at Sid’s without a definite female friend or companion. Jeanne ended up leaving with a sailor, I think they’re sailing tomorrow and she needs a ride so that’s understandable. Elke went back early. I was so stoned I didn’t talk to anyone. I was paralyzed for all practical purposes. I just sat there and let the world pass by.

April 13, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Friday – Today was fabulous. It was just the things I did and the way I felt. I had breakfast of pastry and tea with Gary and Elke, then we went to the beach and sunned. I went and fetched my guitar and went to a clearing and played over the songs I’ve been writing and I wrote some more. A French boy came by and we smoked some pot. I had a chance to meet with Jeanne before dinner and it was nice to talk to her. She’s leaving tomorrow on a fishing boat. I had a chance at the same time to meet up with Diane and Dawn. I had dinner with Elke, then was playing my guitar in my tent when Diane and Dawn came up. They had been listening and that me feel good when they said I sounded good. We went out with Gary. They bought some pot and we went over to this guy’s house and smoked and listened to Bob Marley records. After we went to the beach and when we parted I grabbed Diane and kissed her and she kissed me back for about 30 seconds. She grabbed my butt and squeezed. We had our arms around each other. It was luscious. The best goodnight kiss I ever had.

April 14, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Saturday – You know, I’m really pleased with the sets of lyrics I wrote. They’re almost sophisticated. I like to be complimented. Last night Diane said I had a good body. Blah-blah-blah. Today passed almost without notice. Almost – not quite. In the evening I took a nap. I awoke and got the bottle of Green Stripe, Aniseed and Peppermint, and after walk around the island, passed the dance, where a lousy band played. I sat on a bench and began drinking. After a while, Diane and Dawn and Gary came walking up and we drank together. Elke came up and left. I wouldn’t even give her another cigarette after she turned down one I gave her. Gary and Dawn left and Diane and I drank the bottle. We talked and I remember kissing her once. Then things got a little hazy. I can’t really remember. I remember laying on the ground and 2 guys were standing there, one with a small pocket knife out, telling me I should go home. I argued with them and the guy with the knife left. I walked home. How dumb of me to get so drunk. It’s been a long time since I’ve been like that.

April 15, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Sunday – Today was sensational. During breakfast Dawn, then Diane, came in. They were going out to the reef in a sailboat. I asked if I could come and they said OK. It was an all day thing and the best experience I’ve had out here. Mike, the guy who owned it, Diane, Dawn and I smoked a number on the way out there. The ride was beautiful, and when we got there, the diving was great. We saw a nurse shark (harmless), about 6 feet long – it was positively awesome. We also saw a puff-fish puffed up, Mike caught a 4-5 lb. hogfish, I got a large shell, Diane saw a ray. The day was sunny and clear and the water, beautiful. We smoked before we left and the ride back was also great. So free on a sailboat (21’). I had a barracuda dinner and afterwards I spent some time with D and D. I stopped by Sid’s on the way home but left and went to my tent where I played the guitar. Elke came home. I could see her outside, while I was playing a recent love song. I played a bunch of intricate guitar after in the hopes she’d find my workmanship a reason to love me.

April 16, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Monday – Gary and I had a talk this morning about where we are going when and about Elke. Rather, under my suggestion, we decided that one of us should go for Elke today and that we should leave tomorrow unless one of us should strike success. During the day we kind of hung around, playing the guitar, maybe swimming, all in a group or apart. I had an excellent lobster dinner. I played billiards for my first time and beat Gary and then played pool with Diane and Dawn. I came back and sat by my tent and contemplated what to try with Elke. I argued with my conscience for a long time and then decided what the hell and I woke her up. She smiled and put her head up and I kissed her forehead. She went back to sleep. After we ate her conch fritter and I re-awoke her, stuttering out some feeble excuse for words of love, hoping, then telling her to say something mean so I’d go to bed, so she said ‘Go to bed – is that mean enough?’ and I left cause she wanted to sleep – but she wasn’t really being mean – just tired.

April 17, 1979
Cay Caulker, Belice
Written morning April 17th. I’m so glad I went for it last night with Elke (and with Jeanne now that I think about it). My reason is simple. I am basically after only one thing with girls and that is sex. I would rather find out where I stand right away than to have to wait – in essence waste my time. I’ll cite a case: remember when you went for Susan and when she didn’t want to go for it you blew her off and happily ended up making love to Joy just a few nights later? Case 2: Clymer cited that the greatest cocksman he ever knew in Arizona would operate by coming on strong at a bar to a girl almost to the point of being obnoxious – and if she didn’t go for it, he got his answer early enough to go to the next table and in this way, according to Clymer, he would almost always end up with a piece at the end of the night. If something is going to happen with a girl – especially something good – it usually happens early in the game. There’s nothing wrong with going for it and finding out where you stand – you can even remain friends – but sexually its’ time to move on to greener pastures. In the long run, it’s doing both the girl and you a favor – if only to give her the opportunity to show you she likes you. Of course, wait till the right moment.

Tuesday – My last day on Cay Caulker – well, I’m leaving tomorrow. Today I played the guitar, washed clothes, wrote letters; in the evening I had a really good turtle steak dinner, smoked a joint and drank some beer with Gary and Elke. Then Gary and I took my guitar and played old Beatles songs and such – singing at the top of our lungs on the pier. We said goodnight and I went to Elke and asked if she’d kiss me one time. Awakening from her sleep, she pushed me away. I went to sleep. Oh well! Ho hum! Well, this stay on Cay Caulker has been sensational for me. I arrived with Connie and will leave tomorrow with Gary. I went to the reef 2 times, had turtle, lobster and barracuda, I was stoned every day, made out with 2 chicks Diane and Jeanne. Diane was rather light weight though, just a few nice long kisses. But most of all Cay Caulker has made me happy.

April 18, 1979
Stann Creek, Belize
Wednesday – Up with the rooster crows this morning and packed and put away the tent. Sitting in the veranda at Mrs. Rivases, Elke came up and smiled, said good morning, gave me back my shirt, gave me a joint, asked me to write the lyrics I wrote to Rock It A Bit Man in her book and my address. I shook her hand goodbye saying, “So long, admiral.” Gary and I took a skiff to Belize, where we took care of business and caught a bus at 3 p.m. for Stann Creek. We arrived in Stann Creek at about 6:30 p.m., where we got a hotel, dinner and saw a second rate film with Ben Gazarra called Capone. It was OK, though, for 45 cents American. Some seats were 30 cents. After, we were tired and retired to our bunk beds. Now we will be traveling pretty steadily until we reach Costa Rica. I mailed letters today to Lynn, Toniça, Connie and one to Tom and Jeff. I’m psyched up for South America and am looking forward to Costa Rica. I hope we meet some nifty chicks. I love life.

April 19, 1979
Punta Gorda, Belize
Thursday – It was, all in all, a great day. It was all in all a great life, it was by and by his best hour. It was a time without strife.
Can you believe this? Gary and I are having coffee this morning and a cop comes in the restaurant, tells us to come along to the police station, then goes to our hotel to search our bags. Finding nothing, he left. Gary and I started walking for 1½ miles, then we got a ride to the 6-mile junction, and the second we got off, a lorry rolled to a stop and gave us a ride all but 3 of the 101 remaining miles to PG. Caught a ride to town after another mile hike. Checked into Foster’s Hotel, ate chow mein at the Kowloon, played a series of 7 games of pool which I won 4/3, then the town had a blackout, we went to the pier and smoked great pot with some guy, then went to the Kowloon and enjoyed a burger, beer, oolong tea and homemade bread pudding. After an evening constitutional we went to our room and slept. Playing the guitar quietly I came up with the idea for disco to “Be Yourself.”

April 20, 1979
Zacapa, Guatemala
Friday – Woken by a knock at our door for a boat to Livingston, Guatemala, I rolled the pot we had left and smoked a joint myself. We finally got checked out by customs and took a bitchin’ ride 19 miles across open sea in a motorized canoe, smoking a joint near the end of the ride. Immigration in Livingston and a few hours later we caught a ferry to Puerto Barrios for $0.50 US. We caught a hot, crowded bus for Bannanera, Guatemala and we caught a ride hitch-hiking the rest of the way to Zacapa, Guatemala. Got separate rooms $2 each at Pension Central where I lay now. I immediately liked this town. It seems peaceful and clean and had a lot of girls walking around. Gary and I fought a lot today but forever remain friends. Fighting came from the language change, the heat, the lack of comfort, but the most important thing was accomplished, which was to arrive here. There’s so much to say, so many things going through my mind. Mainly, music, Toniça, girls, what I will do upon return.

April 21, 1979
Jocotan, Guatemala
Saturday – Today was a very interesting day – much food for thought. Listen carefully. We got up at our hotel and by the time we ate brunch at 10:30 a.m. Gary had already taken 4 dumps. See, we both had diarrhea. After lomotils, the runs stopped. Gary got offered 2 whores at $1 each. Tempers flaring, we took a shuttle bus to Chiquimula, and after cokes to Jocotan, ride to Camotan where we cut into each other’s ego structures so ruthlessly that I stopped talking to Gary. He tried pushing me in a cantina and after a warning I asked the policeman at my table, who showed Gary his handcuffs and in a fit of rage, I didn’t have to pay for my meal, Gary asked for his SA Handbook and he left. The policeman offered me a jail cell to sleep in as the only pension was full. Not wishing to find out if he was honest or nay, I caught a ride to Jocotan, and cashed a $10 check, got a room, played the guitar and went to a restless, then restful sleep. I dream a lot. The main subjects keep re-appearing. They are Fred Nelson, Jane Trufant and Toniça Eastling. They are in my mind. I’ve got a lot of things to sort out.

April 22, 1979
Copan, Honduras
Sunday – Today was great. I snapped out of bed, caught a ride to the border, drank a beer at 9:30 in the morning, then got a ride to Copan, saw the ruins, then finding out that the last bus to La Entrada would leave at 2:40 p.m., and the last bus to Copan from the border wouldn’t arrive till 3:30 or 4 p.m., I got a room and decided to stay and see if Gary would be on the bus from the border. I was compiling a book of songs no. 164-200 (not yet completed) when, sure enough, Gary cruised in on schedule, walked into the restaurant, and I introduced myself as Dick Duro. Funny thing is we had a great time together today - no arguments. I was glad to see him. Fact was I decided to be easy to get along with. We had another series of pool. I won on the last shot, 4-3, a brilliant 8-ball shot, my 3rd series in a row. Guess what, funny thing, sitting in our hotel is a restaurant, that girl Claire from England whom we met 20 days ago in Tikal came walking in!! Coincidence! I got her address this time (for a country meal) and she came and had a few drinks with us after her dinner. She’s leaving tomorrow.

April 23, 1979
Santa Rosa, Honduras
Monday – [I had vivid drams again last night. This time I was going to steal money; the characters were familiar but I can’t place them; maybe Marcia Gross, a tall hefty man and someone else. Very real.] We both got up very early. By the time I had taken care of all my business, he has seen the ruins of Copan. We caught a bus for La Entrada and rode most of the way on top of the bus, and the luggage rack. It was bitchin’. The scenery was really great. From La Entrada we caught a quick side to Santa Rosa. The scenery here was beautiful; I mean really beautiful. One minute it looked like Austria and the next like California, sometimes like Colorado. We couldn’t get a ride in Santa Rosa so we had a great meal at a hotel. In the rain then drizzle then heavy mist, we hitched then walked out of the town. Surprisingly, we got a ride the majority of the distance to Ocotepeque. We slept on some cement benches on the side of the road. After a few hours of being cold I got in my down bag and slept well.

April 24, 1979
San Salvador, El Salvador
Tuesday – Great day!! We woke up on the bench at around 6 or 7 a.m., took a bus to Ocotepeque; once again, the scenery was beautiful. We had coffee, and got a free taxi ride to the border, where we had lunch on the El Salvador side. We got a free ride to San Ignacio where with some difficulty I cashed a check for $10, after beating Gary at 2 games of pool and stepping on a nail. We had a beer. From the next town, all the way until just before El Salvador, Gary and I got to ride on ?? top of the bus. This is the only way to travel. It’s so fresh, and great sightseeing is easy when you’re in the back of a truck or on top of a bus. We got a room in El Salvador, had dinner with a few beers, and after walk around we were so tired we went back and went to bed. Gary and I are both a little tired of Latins and we’ve just begun. This trip has been great; honestly, Gary’s company is really making it tremendous. We’ve got great rapport. I’m pretty excited about music and wonder if I should regroup with Tom. San Salvador is Nuria’s home town. I’m wondering if she’s here right now. I’ll look her up tomorrow.

April 25, 1979
San Salvador, El Salvador
Wednesday
Today was a great day. . We got our visas to Costa Rica and Nicaragua. Afterwards, we enjoyed a meal at the American McDonald’s – a quarter-pounder, fries, shake and apple pie, followed by a Simba and a coffee. It was very satisfying after all the beans and local food we’ve been eating. The coffee was very much superior to the harsh stuff we have been drinking. Then w had a planning session. We made a budget we could live with , allowing about $1000 for Europe. We discussed a way in the handbook that we can ride the tributaries to the Amazon. It was about 6 pm when we left to have a beer and ask seek Nuria’s house. The beer was served with a few shrimp. Mmm! We hadn’t much trouble to find Nuria’s house. We talked to some neighbors and they said it was her house, l we walked over t to is and lo and behold, I recognized her cousin whom I met once in 1976. Nuria, he said , was now still in California. He didn’t remember me but as I told him about Nuria and her family, he was astounded and he knew we must have met before We talked with him and two teenagers, a boy and a girl from next door – it was great. We also met another girl. Henry said why don’t you stay, so instead of leaving tomorrow, we’ll stay.

April 26, 1979
San Salvador, El Salvador
Thursday
When we got back to our hotel last night, we met a Canadian guy and had a beer with him before going to bed, whom Irme had burned in Flores, Guatemala. In fact, he had given a shirt to Irme, who in turn gave it to Gary. After the lights went out, Gary and I talked a lot and I found a way in the handbook to go to Ushuaia, the most southerly town in the world. The water came on and he took a shower and I fell asleep. I awoke at 6 a.m. Thursday morning and wrote in my diary. We went to McDonalds for breakfast, then up to visit Henry. We saw him and got in his friend’s jeep, went up to a hill and smoked a joint, then went to McD’s for a snack. After, back at the hotel, I wrote two songs – pretty good. I’m happy about them. Cappa mailed a letter that I had written this morning to Tom and Jeff. I ate dinner at McD’s and we met Henry, had some beer, then went to Minina’s house. You know, she just took 2nd place in a beauty contest this week. Her sister and her were very hospitable. We had cokes and crackers and just pretty much had a good time. About 10:30 p.m. Gary and I caught the bus for home.

April 27, 1979
San Salvador, El Salvador
Friday
Today we met Henry again and we got stoned with his friends and drove around and we drove to an orange grove and ate oranges fresh from the trees. It was a real good day, but in the night we were partying and I was just too tired to get into it. I’m feeling terrible emotionally since this morning. I don’t know what triggered I, but I’ve undergone this depression before. I’m down on my own case and not happy with myself. My analysis of it is that I’m going through sexual withdrawal – I wrote letters to Dad, Mike Taylor, and Toniça and that girl, Jaqueline, the one whom I met the first night, who likes me. Said she’d mail them for me, so she said she did later. I feel so utterly confused today and I can’t see anyway out of it – but it’s partly no sex, partly because I’m getting stoned, partly because I’m moody. Maybe I’ll clear up and I’ll feel OK soon.

April 28, 1979
San Salvador, El Salvador
Saturday
Henry and his friends and I went to the Devil’s door today and got stoned. The Devils Door is a place outside the city on rocks but it was covered with coastal fog and I couldn’t see it. After, they gave me a ride to my hotel and I played the guitar and ate at McDonald’s. I’m still going through this depression and wondering how long it’ll last. I was feeling so good a few days ago. We’re planning to leave tomorrow for Costa Rica. I never left the hotel once I got back there. It started raining about the time I was going to leave and it was best to stay in. I wrote some music and some songs and I made a list (listed on Meme after Nov 30 in this book) of countries I’m to visit – time and money when I should leave. I’m feeling a little better. It’s time to move on tomorrow morning. It’s too bad I hadn’t a chance to say goodbye to Henry and the gang.

April 29, 1979
Managua, Nicaragua
Sunday
Today was totally bitchin’ – utterly. It was an adventure. I woke up at 430 a.m. and got packed. We got our tickets, were on the bus at 6 a.m. and out of El Salvador, at around 11 a.m., I would guess. We had lunch in Honduras and we were at the Nicaraguan frontier. Nicaragua is a dangerous place to be right now. We were carefully checked at the border and stopped a few times n our way to Managua. I had no idea that things were so heavy here. It’s unreal! Guns and all – it’s wartime here. We stayed at a hotel at the bus terminal. = it’s quiet here, but just as I ‘m writing this, I heard a rifle shot not too far away. I’m psyched up about the Costa Rican women, because I hear so much good stuff . I’m hoping to fall in love. I’m out of my depression and today I feel like a ball of fire. A lot of people have died here in the last six months.

April 30, 1979
San Jose, Costa Rica
Monday
I’m thoroughly amazed at the number of beautiful girls here – Some have a tendency to be fat, but I’ve seen some of the foxiest girls there that I’ve seen in a long time. In fact, Gary and I have devised a new rating system which is half a point higher than the U.S. Coastal System. For example tonight we saw a U.S. Coast t10 – She was beautiful. She gets a Coast Rican 9.5. We woke up in Managua and drove from 8 a.m. until 10:30 a.m. to the border. It took better than 2 ½ hours to go through border formalities. We arrived in San Jose at about 530 p.m. We checked into a hotel, ate and walked around. Cap stopped a girl and a guy from Costa Rica came up and shed her if it was O.K. – she left after awhile, but the guy invited us to go around tomorrow and see the sights. Together, we saw that beautiful girl. We waved and she smiled and waved. My heart was carried away. Later, Gary and I met two girls who offered to look up an address and meet them back at McD’s Wednesday. Tomorrow is a national holiday.

Memo
Our devised names in each country
Country Cappa Shea
1 Mexico Ted Acapulco rod Bitchin’
2 Guatemala Ted Guatemala Todd Bodd
3 Belize Jacques Reef Maurice Belice
4 Honduras Rock Biffy Dick Duro
5 El Salvador Sam Salvador Studly Salvador
6 Nicaragua Nick Aragua Dick Aragua
7 Costa Rica Manual Antonio James Pond 006 1/2
8 Panama Peter Panama Phil Canal
9 Colombia Studly Snortnose Humphrey Bogota
10 Ecuador Lord Simon Sucre Melvin Ecuador
11 Peru Tony Lima Macho Picchu
12 Bolivia Bolivia Tootin-John Al Paca
13 Argentina Pat O’gonia Terry Del Fuego
14 Brazil Jeff De Janeiro

May 1, 1979
San Jose, Costa Rica
Tuesday
Today we went to Rodrigo’s houses in the morning. We had a good lunch courtesy of his mother. Then his brother and he, Gary and I went to Cartago and saw the famous virgin in the beautiful church there. After a nap back at the hotel, I turned my attention to my music and my life. For the first time since I was about 14 years old, my music is taking hold of me in the special way that of the great stars does. The format of disco suddenly appears to me as a means to express my own unique takes of a catch, simple turn and memorable, but simple and pleasant lyrics. I’m writing some stuff that really appeals to me – and it’s so simple. I can feel plans begin to break in the surface of my consciousness. Gary and I went to a disco tonight but between the fact that I didn’t really know how to dance or converse in Spanish, I didn’t bother approaching any girls. Went back to the hotel after wards, and fell asleep. Traveling has its advantages, one of them being that you don’t have to work in the morning. The weather here is the shits.

May 2, 1979
San Jose, Costa Rica
Wednesday

Today we went by to pick up our mail. I had one letter from my grandmother and one from Toniça. Gary had one letter from Mimi. At first we were both disappointed that we didn’t have more. But Toniça’s letter was truly heart –warming, and she said it was her sixth letter. The other’ ones just didn’t get through. From what she write it would appear that she still loves me – and made me feel more secure. Gary and I tried to buy a ticket to Europe today from Colombia, for when we finish with South America , but it turned out to be a big hassle . We had a long talk, in which we decided to be in better moods and in general the talk cleared the air. We met those girls at Mc D’s and they showed us where the mail place was. We said goodnight. We got a milkshake and walked around. In our room, we talked and laughed for a good hour while others tried to sleep.

May 3, 1979
San Jose, Costa Rica
Thursday
Today was so bitchin!! I feel like a total kid. We bought a ticket for $76.20 to Cali, Colombia from Panama City, got a visa into Panama, decided to go to Panama without further diplomatic entanglement, had lunch, got some pastry and cappuccino, played pocket pool for an hour in which I beat Gary to go undefeated in our four championship matches (4 to 2), bought a huge banana split for under $1, and the we went to the movies. They show was called Manitou and it started Tony Curtis, and was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I wrote a song today from a poem I wrote to Elke in the middle of the night last night – no. 178. And last night, I finished a letter to Toniça, professing my love and sent it.

May 4, 1979
Canoas, Costa Rica
Friday
We left San Jose today and caught busses to the border. We got a hotel and slept. The scenery is pretty terrific in Costa Rica. I’m determined to get down to Ecuador pretty quick because I want to be sure to have enough money to see the most important parts of our trip. Tierra Del Fuego, The Amazon and Europe.

I miss Toniça an awful lot. Her letter got me thinking about her. Also, I am pretty horny. I could really dig meeting a girl and making mad, passionate love with her. Well, tomorrow we cross into Panama – our last central American country. I wrote and sent letter to day to Lynn, Fred, and Connie I’m leaning now tentatively towards going music alone when I get back but if there’s one thing I’ve learned. = You just never know what’s going to happen.

May 5, 1979
David, Panama
Saturday
Hassled by the usual border bullshit in the morning, we had a shitty day till we landed in our hotel room in David about 6 p.m. After that things mellowed out. Panama is beautiful. The weather if finally good, which is great for us ‘cause we’ve virtually been in rain for a few weeks, well, since El Salvador. My state of mind is generally healthy. I really would love to meet and love Lynn in Montreal or Toniça when I get back. In New York, I don’t mean to underplay Toniça – she means so much to me, but what can I do so far away? I guess I’m being unrealistic about living with her, but I would live to love her at least for a while. I’d really like to make good in music – I’m afraid I am simply not devoted enough, or experienced or have enough money. Beat Cappa 4-1 in my 5th straight pool championship.

May 6, 1979
Panama City, Panama
Sunday – We woke up around 8 a.m. and I was up and about and packed before Cappa got out of bed. We caught the 10 a.m. bus from David to Panama and arrived around 5 p.m. or so. We crossed over the canal on top of a huge bridge. The Canal Zone looked bitchin’. We got to a hotel and a guy from the Peace Corp who had worked for two years in Colombia offered to share a room. It was a nice room, so it was a good deal. In the evening, the three of us were walking, Dave (Peace Corps), Gary and I, and about five guys came up behind us and one guy grabbed Dave’s ‘bolsa’. I was running by this time. Dave screamed and I turned about seeing three or four guys and Dave and Gary in the middle of it. Gary ran after them but stopped. We got the police but to no avail. Dave suffered the loss of about $42 worth of stuff, a watch, a knife and the leather purse. We bought him and ourselves a few big beers and recounted the experience. It was really heavy. It was a lesson at a cheap price, at a time when we need it – just preparing to go into Colombia. My life is a blast.

May 7, 1979
Panama City, Panama
Monday – Today was a perfect day. We got up fairly early and got a gung-ho start! We took a taxi to an Avianca office and bought a refundable ticket from Cali to Quito for $73. Then we went to the Colombian consulate and after a wait we picked up our 4-year tourist cards at 12 noon. We took a taxi cab back to our hotel. Then, we caught a bus to Panama Viejo, the razed fortifications 6 ½ kilometers from the center of the city, the old town, which was sacked by Henry Morgan. We took Bus No. 1 back and went shopping. I got cologne, shaving cream, shampoo, envelopes, paper and a pack of playing cards. When I got back to the hotel I met a black guy and a Mormon. The Mormon is marrying a Panamanian girl in Salt Lake City, Utah, and his fiancé is General Torillio’s secretary – the head of this country. The black guy can fly anywhere in the world (for $10) where the U.S. government has jets cause he was shot down in Vietnam – he’s got an MBA. I washed all my clothes, then ate dinner, then dessert. I’m all packed, set and ready to go to South America. Tomorrow our Central American trip will be over and our South American trip will begin the day after.

May 8, 1979
Colon, Panama
Tuesday – Today was utterly fantastic. I wrote a letter to Tom and Jeff, Lynn, and put Mike Taylor’s letter in a 3rd envelope, all three to be sent tomorrow with Canal Zone Stamps which I bought today in Cristobal, where we took the train today. We walked through the slums of Colon. The train runs right along the Canal and it is very interesting indeed. In the evening we went to see the Deer Hunter with Robert De Niro – it was an excellent film about the Vietnam War. To be strong is an achievement. The finest achievement is to be strong after you have been crippled. Gary and I came to a wrestling match tonight, we were – he was – so pissed off. Well, maybe it’s just that we’re excited about going to Colombia tomorrow. I personally am very psyched up. I hope all goes well. I feel great – healthy, free, and excited about life. I’ve felt very proud lately. My spirit is back in working order again.

May 9, 1979
Cali, Colombia
Wednesday – Today was one of the bitchin’ days of my life. Our plane flew out of Panama around 3 p.m. Seeing the isthmus, the Darien region, the winding rivers, believing we could see the Atlantic Ocean too, and when the drinks were served to see the Andes for the first time – it was one of the most exciting things for me of my life. They are beautiful. We flew into Modillir, ½ drunk, me talking a lot, making whoop calls, thrilled. We caught another plane and got off in Pereira, searching for our bags, thinking it was Cali, only to have to race back to the plane (Editor’s note: running on the airstrip)and the guards laughed. On to Cali, in growing darkness – a heavenly display of clouds – red – with lightning firing off. We got a hotel in Cali after some great coffee. We had a great meal with a guy who’s here from Peru selling Alpaca furs illegally. After he bought a joint and we got very stoned. I spaced out. It was a great day. I worked on some music. Cappa and I like Colombia, surprised.

May 10v
Cali, Colombia
Thursday – Today was a totally great day. Financially I’m overspending and it’s a shame, cause according to my budget I’m overspending and I have to leave Colombia soon, although I would like to stay, I’m having such an enjoyable time. One thing that seems very evident to me, and that is that South America has a definite European flavor. Tonight for dinner Gary and I splurged and bought a Filet Mignon at the Caballo Loco. It was a treat, a thick juicy red piece of meat. For lunch we had an avocado salad, Colombian French bread - rates with San Franciscan. I wrote more of a song today that I started last night under the influence of pot – called With Your Fire. I got thoroughly stoned again on two joints after lunch with Carlos and Gary. I love Colombia. We went to the Ecuadorian consulate and got our Cali-Quito ticket, exchanged for an MCO for $69. I doubt I’ve ever felt better in my entire life. I feel great about myself and I’m having great fun – only wish I felt freer with money – this is a highlight of my life.

May 11, 1979
Cali, Colombia
Friday – In the morning I wrote letters to my grandmother and Toniça. Gary and I ate delicious pastry and drank delicious coffee for breakfast. In the afternoon, after some songwriting we played Gin Rummy while waiting for Carlos’ taxi cab to take us to lunch. We’ve been taxiing around a lot as he always pays. Our lunch filled me to an excess. I had spaghetti, chicken, salad, beans and rice and bread for $1.35. I couldn’t finish it all, and it was very good. Today I have been stoned from sun-up to bedtime. I had an avocado salad for an evening snack, and before that Carlos brought by some spaghetti. Of all the luck, I am in dire straights to go to bed with a woman and of all the people, I met up with two of the weirdest looking girls we met (in Tikal). I started reading a Maya book today, and I’m feeling a bit silly reading a book on pottery when I’d like to be making love with a nice girl. Oh well! I’m not aggressive. I keep finding reasons not to talk to girls. Today was one of the best days of my life, nevertheless. I don’t think I could be much happier.

May 12, 1979
Cali, Valle, Colombia
Saturday – Today was just another fabulous day. I was uptight cause Carlos came in in the morning and said he had just fucked the girl who are staying in the room next to ours. He’s another one of those guys who tells a lot of stories about girls that get a little hard to believe; Gary didn’t believe him. Gary and I had pastry and coffee today, played cribbage and all around, drinking beer, had a sloppy, lazy (day), smoking pot at night, stuffing our faces again with ravioli’s, steak, rice, milk, and reading, just being total bums, and enjoying every hour of it. We had a coffee with a guy from here who can buy kilograms of pot for $80 or less! I think he said 800 pesos which is $20. I wrote a few songs up to 182 (are now written). I have not shaved or showered since Tuesday night. Tomorrow being Sunday, I’m going to spruce up. We had a talk about Tierra Del Fuego.

May 13, 1979
Cali, Valle, Colombia
Sunday – The cause of the artist is to create a new reality with every work. From wake up to sleep I was stoned today. The mysterious Maritza, the girl next door, offered us some mj in the morning. We had an avocado salad, café con leche and ice cream for breakfast. The second we woke up we smoked a roach. In the afternoon we took a walk with Maritza - met a Canadian that knew her and (then) her pregnant friend and her got picked up by an old man in a car. The Canadian is a teacher who’s living here teaching English. For dinner we had our usual spaghetti, meat, salad, rice, platanos, milk for $1.60 - then an ice cream, then a beer, then a Cappuccino and a Café Con Leche, which are the same thing; I am very much enjoying the Café Con Leche as I did the Cappuccino in Italy – because they are both really Cappuccino. We have no plans to leave.

May 14, 1979
Cali, Colombia
Monday
Today, well, see, my feelings are mixed. Without going into a bunch of esoteric bullshit, I’m horny, I miss Toniça, but I am totally elated to be here in South America. So although the petty annoyance of not having a woman pervades my thoughts, I am happy. I think I would not trade my experiences here for those of a more romantic nature in the nest (i.e., minus the bullshit, I would rather be here than home, making love to Teets [Toniça]). Our usual day of getting stoned out of our heads, eating to an excess, playing cribbage. Coming out of the future, I see the Incas, the Andes, and snow-covered peaks, the magic of Cuzco. Soon, we will be there. We’ll be leaving Cali within a day or two (if we don’t get busted for pit). We were thinking of teaching English but voted against it, - well, actually Cappa said he didn’t want to – I’ll have to ask him about that.

May 15
Tonight was one of the better nights of my life, just judging from a standpoint of how I feel. I was thoroughly stoned all day, and was quite independent, reading a lot, finished the book The Lost World of the Maya and the beginning of The Conquest of Peru, which is about 10,000 times superior. I wrote letters to Mom and Connie. I worked on my music also. I had a scholarly day, all in all, and I feel fulfilled as a result of it. It is fun for me to tax my brain, and I can reasonably assuredly say that I am a scholar by blood, and I will find happiness in the filed of study for the rest of my life. It drizzled most of the day and night here in Cali today. Carlos drew on a hap of Cuzco all the places that we should go. Again, I think Cuzco will be the highlight of our trip. Tomorrow we set off to Ecuador.

May 16, 1979
Ipiales Narino, Colombia
So tired and I, as I lay between 3 wool blankets in our hotel in Ipiales at an elevation of over 8,000 feet, that I can barely keep my eyes open to write this. I just took my first hot shower since Mary Jane’s room in Acapulco and I feel clean and good. We came by bus from Cali about 300 miles to here , and now stand about 4 kilometers from Ecuador. The Andes will probably never cease to amaze me all the way to Tierra Del Fuego. They are beautiful and sublime. The scenery we say today was amongst the best, if not the best, we have both seen in our lives. The sky is pristine; and I, in the sunset tonight there were clouds of hues, red, orange, yellow, blue, gray, purple and white. We are both in awe. On the bus, my mind kept flipping back sequences of the pleasant days and times with Toniça and I shared my bed and our love. Females! I think more than missing her, that my longings are because I feel an obligation. I’ve a lot of love for here. But I’m afraid to get too attached.

May 17, 1979
Otavalo, Ecuador
Today was awful – awfully bitchin. In other words, great. Ya know, we came from Ipiales across the border, and hitchhiked all the way to Ibarra, Ecuador. We caught a bus in the rain to Otavalo , where we ate and got a room. Ecuador is beautiful. The hills are a quilted patchwork of cultivated plots, separated by rows of short trees. We passed a barren land with a village of only black people with thatched houses – it was as if we were in Africa. (Before I took this trip I wrote that I would decide my future while on this trip. Since I have forsaken dreaming of the ultimate dream by visualizing for the more sound, practical method of logical thought, it necessarily takes me longer for decisions of such great magnitude. I don’t know which device is more productive.)
Gary and I planed cribbage in our room, rain outside. We laughed and cut each other down and had a great time, making noise like two little boys who get to sleep over one another’s house. Toniça is ever on my mind, well, it’s not really an unpleasant thought. My sexual life with her runs every constant in my mind’s eye., involuntarily. I feel great, all in all, happy to be here, happy I’m alive. Life can be better, so I will strive.

May 18, 1979
Otavalo, Ecuador
Morning. Ecuador reminds me of Guatemala because of the people. Our hotel room reminds me of the one Connie and I shared in Guatemala, Santiago de Atitlan, because of the wood floor, the cold mornings with the rooster crossing and the window by which you can look at the cloudy sky. The people in Otavalo are unique. The men wear ponytails, hats and a curious poncho, gray, sometimes white pants. I’ve never felt before like I feel now. Wonder fills me.

Evening. I feel like I have never felt in my whole life. Everything makes sense to me now. I feel all the answers. Love is upon me. Godliness fills my veins. I am alive. I’m ecstatic to be in Ecuador. This place fills me with a feeling I’ve never known. I feel the ultimate right now.

Today we went to San Antonio de Ibarra and looked at wood carvings . Gary bought two. We went to cash his traveler’s cheques at the Hotel Otavalo and there’s a girl there from Switzerland whom we both want. I scarcely know why but I’ve never felt so good in my life. I re-read the hole episode of right before I left on this trip and some of the reflections I made, I feel, are stunning.

May 19, 1979
Today was a lazy day. I washed my socks and underwear and I read the Conquest of Peru. I only spent $3 today. We didn’t eat much but enjoyed some coffee and pie at the Hotel Otavalo after dinner. We went to the market but it was a bit repetitious for me. Like the markets in Guatemala or Mexico. It rained a good part of the day. Last night I stayed up late and wrote love letters to Lynn and then Toniça; and a “God” letter to Tom and Jeff, urging them to join us in Europe. I really hope that Toniça will wait for me, or at least loves me and wants me back. I keep thinking about sex with her. It was sheer delight! This trip is totally bitchin. I think it’s about time that we met some chicks. The weather: it keeps raining, but it doesn’t hinder a good time too much. I ‘m rounding out as an individual and I respect myself for my diversity of interest and my courage to carry them out.

May 20, 1979
Quito, Ecuador
Sunday. The impracticality of many of my plans hinders their success. They are often carried through only by my spirit of enterprise. If my plans were more practical, my intelligence of decisions and maintenance would almost always insure their success, combined with my innate will of purpose. Gary and I caught a bus from Otavalo today, for 80 c, which brought us over the equator, to the Southern Hemisphere and to Quito. At the equator, there is a globe of the world made of rock about 3 ½ feet in diameter to mark the division between the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. As we passed, for the lack of a better commemoration, I split a banana in two exactly when we pass, and I handed Gary the half, while I at the other half in the Southern Hemisphere. Again, Ecuador is beautiful. We stayed in Old Quito in the Hotel Minerva. It rained. We played cribbage and retired early in anticipation of a full day tomorrow. I laid under my blanket with a toy saying “Vicuna” and I thought about my future., about home, and tired to impart intelligence and reason to the answer to the questions that my ponderings brought up.

May 21, 1979
Old City of Quito, Ecuador
Fear is the loathing of the possibility of an event. Caution is an action exercised by a moderate fear when the possibility of an even is great enough to merit prevention. Anxiety, unhealthier fear, is fear hen no harm actually exists, and often not moderated by a sensible degree of caution. I have come to the conclusion that to make events happen the way you’d like them to, for any reasonable length of time, require effort, application and hard work, be it physical or mental.
Today we got things tone. We bough film. I bought another copy of the Conquest of Peru, for the original copy that I left in Otavalo. We went to the Peruvian Consulate and made sure that our MC)’s would get us into Peru, and the mean said we needed no visas and the MCO’s would suffice for an onward ticket. We also bought a Spanish-English dictionary, the same edition that I used eight years ago in Rui Game’s high school English class, a Newsweek depicting all the strife in the Central American countries, which l/we left just in time, and had a delicious repast of shacks at a new French Café, Le Cyrano.

May 22, 1979
Tuesday
Note: the Ecuadorians beer Malta is delicious. I played the guitar quite a bit today. I noticed that my voice is opening up and becoming more versatile. My songs in m my present notebook took turns for the better and I am hoping that they will someday be recorded and distributed. This evening Gary and I went to a gambling casino. We put 50 Sucre on Mayor (numbers 19036) and 19 came up and we won 50 Sucre. It was interesting watching the roulette table. We , of course, played cribbage in our room.
I guess our life isn’t too exciting at this point but it is pleasant. I am happy that I am alive, healthy, clean, reasonably good-looking, have money enough so I don’t have to work, and I am happy to be in Ecuador with the power to go where I want when I want. This is the spirit of Adventure. A lifetime is spent in pursuing dreams. I can think of no finer achievement than to be living a dream. I know my goals differ somewhat from the status quo, but I am living in those dreams right now.

May 23, 1979
Old Quito, Ecuador
Wednesday
Perhaps on of the best days yet in Ecuador. Which makes Ecuador one of the top countries on my list of likes along with CCC, BBB, GGG. We saw three churches, Santo Domingo, San Francisco, and La Compania, along with the Dominican Museum at Santo Domingo and the convent at San Francisco. At the convent there is a courtyard and a lemon tree in it bearing the biggest lemons I’ve ever seen in my life. There was one in particular at the top which was huge. A group of nine 15-year old girls surrounded us and bombarded us with questions. After they left I jumped up in the tree and sole it. It weights two pounds twelve ounces and is about seven inches long and about 4 ¾ to 5” in diameter. It is absolutely incredible. So were the churches. La Compania is the most ornate thing I’ve ever seen in my life! We had dinner with wine. In the evening I met a guy both from Washington State and England, and we went out and had some beer and a quite a good conversation.
Life is magnificent. I guess my good spirits are a combination of my freedom, my rest and my diet. Adventure is again working its magic on me. My problems are being resolved, leaving room for peace of mind and freedom of thought. I have realized that Anxiety with a capital A has been my chief problem throughout life. Lately I have caught myself worrying about things that I have nothing to worry about. It’s really hard for me to distinguish between what is reality and what is just anxiety, but I feel I now have a grasp on my own psyche. Today Gary and I went to Le Cyrano bakery and bought nine delicious pastries, seven of them which we enjoyed with coffee immediately after the purchase! It was delightful and I feel like a child eating so many sweet things and enjoying myself so much. We played cribbage. We took a picture of the Sector 4 sign with my lemon in front of my face with sunglasses on. The city is divided up into Sector and as I wrote Sector 4 with Ton years ago, we thought a crazy picture could accompany that crazy song.

May 24, 1979
Old Quito Ecuador
Thursday – (National Holiday) Life is magnificent. I guess my good spirits are a combination of my freedom, my rest and my diet. Adventure is again working its magic on me. My problems are being resolved, leaving room for peace of mind and freedom of thought. I have realized that Anxiety with a capital A has been my chief problem throughout life. Lately I have caught myself worrying about things that I have nothing to worry about. It’s really hard for me to distinguish between what is reality and what is just anxiety, but I feel I now have a grasp on my own psyche. Today Gary and I went to Le Cyrano bakery and bought nine delicious pastries, seven of them which we enjoyed with coffee immediately after the purchase! It was delightful and I feel like a child eating so many sweet things and enjoying myself so much. We played cribbage. We took a picture of the Sector 4 sign with my lemon in front of my face with sunglasses on. The city is divided up into Sectors and as I wrote (the song) Sector 4 with Tom years ago, we thought a crazy picture could accompany that crazy song.

May 25, 1979
Santo Domingo De Los Colorado, Ecuador
Friday
What was it? Today, for the first time, since we landed in Medellin, CCC, I didn’t feel too well I felt tired and disassociated. Gary and I had breakfast and then we took a bus to Sato Domingo De Los Colorados. We stayed there tonight. The highlights of today were two things. An early dinner called Lomo Victoria for 45 Sucre or about $1.60 was an incredible dish with a large hunk of steak topped with chicken and shrimp in a BBQ sauce. This came with rice, potatoes, half a hard boiled egg, and a slice of tomato, cucumber and onions with a little lettuce. Gary and I both gave it a rating of a 10 for a meal of $3 or less. It was great! )

We walked all through the town. The poverty here is vast. We tried to go and see the show, Grease, but couldn’t hear it. The other highlight was that Gary came back in the evening with a yellow pill (for the first time in my life). We chipped up the contents and snorted it. He had bought it at the pharmacy. We got almost drunk-like. Later I bought a different one and we took that. It was fun. Slept like a baby.

May 26, 1979
Babahoya, Ecuador
Saturday
Today was tiring and tedious, but a full day, a complete day, and one I won’t soon forget. We awoke, took coffee, and caught a buss to kilometer 7, wherefrom we walked about 5 kilometers to a village called Habion. I guess that’s the name. We had to cross a river to get to it, whence we hiked for 20 or so minutes in the tropical equatorial jungle on a path. The children who saw us ran away. We backtracked and followed a sign off the road we’d come in on to find one of the Colorados with the traditional red hair. He was sorting out cacao nuts. I caught a photograph of Gary standing next to him. We paid him 5 Sucres and 5 Sucres to a bare-chested lady Indian to stand next to me while Gary shot.

Back in town we had a Lomo Victoria and caught a buss to Babahoya, through Quevado; preceding this we split another depressant and thus were in a dreamland a good part of the trip. Once there we got a hotel, ate, walked around, came back and wrote and went to sleep. I recited to Gary (before lights-out) the list I prepared in Italy of all our previous adventures.

One of the most exciting train rides began here, with an old steam-fired train that went up switchbacks!

May 27 (Missing)

May 28, 1979
Riobamba, Ecuador
Monday
TOTALLY BITCHIN – was the cry today. It was a magnificent day with magnificent views. We had breakfast for 26 sucres of eggs, meat, rice, bread, cheese and tea and caught the train for Riobamba. We rode on top of the train. We went from the tropical lowlands to the biting cold of elevations over 10,000 feet. We climbed over 10,000 feet in that train!! We arrived in Riobamba about 5:15 p.m. One of the most memorable parts of our trip today was when the train left Simbabe station and climbed the Devil’s Nose, an incline almost perpendicular by doing two switchbacks. The town of Simbabe seemed smaller below us, as we went back and forth above it. When we reached the high plain I think we must have contracted high altitude laughing sickness again, because everything seemed funny to us. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard yet on the trip. Below our Hotel Ecuador was a restaurant with the buy of the century. The merienda included a large bowl of potato soup, meat, rice, potato, fresh orange juice and a delicious empanada of banana, a kind of bread cake donut. It cost 18 sucres or about 65 cents. We laughed as I tried to eat two meriendas, and almost did! I was so full I went directly to bed after and fell asleep by about 8 p.m.

This is looking down the switchbacks! We rode up on top of the roof!

May 28, 1979
Riobamba, Ecuador
Monday - TOTALLY BITCHIN – was the cry today. It was a magnificent day with magnificent views. We had breakfast for 26 sucres of eggs, meat, rice, bread, cheese and tea and caught the train for Riobamba. We rode on top of the train. We went from the tropical lowlands to the biting cold of elevations over 10,000 feet. We climbed over 10,000 feet in that train!! We arrived in Riobamba about 5:15 p.m. One of the most memorable parts of our trip today was when the train left Simbabe station and climbed the Devil’s Nose, an incline almost perpendicular by doing two switchbacks. The town of Simbabe seemed smaller below us, as we went back and forth above it. When we reached the high plain I think we must have contracted high altitude laughing sickness again, because everything seemed funny to us. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard yet on the trip. Below our Hotel Ecuador was a restaurant with the buy of the century. The merienda included a large bowl of potato soup, meat, rice, potato, fresh orange juice and a delicious empanada of banana, a kind of bread/cake/donut. It cost 18 sucres or about 65 cents. We laughed as I tried to eat two meriendas, and almost did! I was so full I went directly to bed after and fell asleep by about 8 p.m.

May 29, 1979
Guayaquil, Ecuador
Tuesday – Even better! Today was even better than yesterday. It was totally great. We were up before dawn and rode the train all the way from Riobamba to Duran and then the ferry to Guayaquil, where we’re spending the night. I must say that there is no way to describe all the feelings and experiences that I go through on a day like today. In the morning we saw Tunguahua, Saltar and through the clouds a bit of the immense Chimborazo. The ride down I enjoyed every bit as much as the ride up to Riobmba. Down the switch backs of Devil’s Nose. In Bucay we bough a cheap bottle of wine and got drunk in the warmer lowlands. It was dark when we rolled into Duran and took the ferry to Guayaquil. We got a room here and ate. We’re totally tired out. We got a little sun today. We rode the top of the train from Alaui to Duran. It was immensely satisfying flying around the mountain curves. In good humors for the most part. Usual laugh and usual spats. I really love Ecuador.

May 30, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Wednesday – Today I spent my first times in Peru. Waking in Guayaquil, Ecuador, we breakfasted and at 9 a.m. we caught a bus for the border. No one checked our baggage and we were given leave to enter Peru for 90 days with no checks whatsoever – as at the Colombian–Ecuadorian border. (Note: the first part of the ride from Guayaquil to Machala was very ,very pleasant. After Machala the bus loaded up and at a police check point I got on top of the bus for the rest of the ride. On the way to Machala I thought a lot about past/future. I’m convinced that the major reason the H.R.’s broke up was the unfortunate accident. On that score, I’ve just got to take my misfortune and carry on.) Once in Peru we took a 25-minute ride to Tumbes, where Pizarro first landed in Peru. The land was desert from the border to here. This town reminds us of Oaxaca, Mexico. For dinner we had an excellent filet–fish, French fries, two portions of rice, three eggs for about $1.35!! We walked around town in the evening. I feel wonderful. We went back to our room and were both asleep not long after. This morning we awoke at 6:30 a.m., yesterday at 5:20 a.m. and the day before, 7:20 a.m.

May 31, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Thursday – There is much food for thought today. I have become a thinking man in the last year, no longer subject to rash decision-making. I spent a lot of time today playing the guitar. I have chosen four of what I think are the most saleable songs. They are Thinking of Your Love, Stagefright, With Your Fire and Through and Through. I’m considering a course of action entailing choosing three songs and recording them in a cheap studio in London or elsewhere in England. No time like now. Everyone told us 1000 times we gotta have 3 songs on a tape. Might as well check it out. I have to do some thinking whether I want to go solo or with Hock or others. Met a girl at our hotel, Deborah, from my home – she’s from Marin County. With her we saw a movie – Three Women – weird! More importantly, this girl led us to a restaurant where I immediately caught the eye of a girl from Lima, whose father owns the restaurant. Her name is Juliana Curic, which is Yugoslavian, pronounced Jubiana! Pretty, huh? She’s not great looking (but has a pretty face and pretty eyes, looks like Bernadette). Nevertheless, I can’t remember when I felt such a strong attraction on both ends. I think I’m gonna stay.

June 1, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Friday – Told Gary this morning I was gonna stay, ‘cause last night Jubiana and I stayed up till 3:40 a.m. talking, and we have a date to go to the beach today. Gary and I made arrangements to meet in Trujillo or Lima and he tried to criticize Jubiana but I kept quiet, and he split and I went to the restaurant. Deborah was there. When Deb caught her bus at 2 p.m., Jubiana and I hitched to the beach. It was so romantic, diary. We were laying down and our faces were close and it seemed so right so I kissed her. Then we laughed and talked for a while till I (we) couldn’t stand it any longer and I kissed her and we practically attached to each other. We were making out and it was so nice and affectionate and soon enough we were saying Te Quiero (I love you) and she seems pleased I stayed behind. We left when it got dark, hitching back. I feel so much with her, for it being so new. I ate dinner at Dad’s restaurant and she wouldn’t let me play – had beef, eggs, rice, ice cream, mineral water, tea, coffee. I hung around and after midnight we went to a park nearby and kissed, touched very nicely and told each other I love you and Te Quiero. It feels really strong and good. She says she never was with a boy so quickly and that she’s only been with one boy before me. She must really like me.

June 2, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Saturday – When I first fall in love with a girl I usually go through a period of being unsure about it - probably because I’m usually not making love with the girl at first. Today I was a little unsure, and in the evening I could not stand the suspense so I told her I wanted to make love but I was afraid to ask her because I thought it was impossible. When she replied that we could I was surprised. I went to bed tonight (as Casanova said in his memoirs once, when a girl let him make love to her without any struggle whatsoever) I felt the emptiness of getting the reply I wanted, without any struggle, or contest. She said we could. But my fear is that it will be harder to get her to make love to her than it was to get her to say OK. For example, she said that we could not go to my hotel here because it was too conspicuous (sort of like Giovanna, who came through sometimes but not always, very conscious of her father). So I can see it’s going to take some doing and I’m wondering if it’s worth it, but only time will tell. But I’ve been in this situation before and persistence paid off. Anyway, if the reader is wondering what I do during the day I mostly hang around her Dad’s restaurant or play my guitar. Nothing too exciting.

June 3, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Sunday – Today was one of those days, those goods day where everything seems magically wonderful, and you walk home with a sprightly steps, almost wanting to jump in the air and click your heels together. I was at Jubiana’s restaurant at 10 a.m. We went to the beach. She reminds of Giovanna a lot, because, like Giovanna (her father owned a gathering place – a bar), she’s a free spirit and more liberated than the other Peruvian girls in general; her face reminds of Bernadette’s and her name of Toniça, Yugoslavian – actually it’s quite close to Giovanna. But despite the fact that Gary called her a Peruvian 4 (jealousy), she really looked pretty tonight. She’s got nice hair and a pretty face and all the old men make it quite clear they think she’s a hot dish. Personally her face I think deserves a 7 or 7.5 and her body a 4 so she gets a 5.5. She actually looks good in a dress and her body’s not bad, just a little overweight around the hips. Tonight she looked a hell of a lot better than a 5.5 – like maybe a 7 – the guys here would say she was a 7. I got her talking about making love and I tell her I want to and she asked “Where?” and then “When?” We said I love you in a few different languages many times today – many, many times and her tits kept popping out of her bathing suit at the beach, she didn’t care – I was kissing it a few times. Plus I eat for free.

June 4, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Monday – I found out two nights ago that Jubianna made love to her boyfriend for about 6 months but didn’t get pregnant luckily. So she’s made love to only one guy but has had other boyfriends. I wasn’t clear on this before so I thought I’d mention it. Today I just hung around the restaurant again and Jubiana and I went to the show Sinbad this evening. I ate 2 sandwiches of ham, 2 teas, a large fish filet, fried platanos, beef with rice, 2 pineapple juices and 2 servings of ice cream at the restaurant for free today. I think Jubianna is crazy about me. I hemmed and hawed a little today about making love and she promised me tonight that tomorrow we can make love – that we will surely go to her brother’s house out in the country and there we will make love. Well, I’ll say one good thing – that her menstrual period began today so we can make love without the fear of getting her pregnant. So, by and by, we will see if the true love she professes is real. You know, diary, I sort of hate her – I mean I kinda love her just a little, but she’s very certain of herself and in her own way she runs the show. I’m mostly hanging around her for the experience, the food and the love.

June 5, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Tuesday – I’m sitting her thinking it’s incredible that I’m in one of those situations where I can’t lose ‘cause a girl with means is madly in love with me. I know her love is true because she lived up to her word today and took me to her brother’s house in the ‘campo’ near the beach, and on a musty bed we made love together for the first time. It was funny because as I haven’t had sexual release for some time, as I told her I would, I came in about 20 seconds! Tan rapido! Shortly after, we were caught almost naked by a boy who came with his father (or boss). At least before we made love we led up to it for an hour kissing. It’s been a great day. I woke up in a good mood, and adopted the policy of being agreeable. Today I ate, for free, at her Dad’s café: 2 coffees, lemonade, 2 dishes of ice cream, one egg, 1 ham sandwich, a side order of fried ham, a piece of bread, a dinner of rice and excellent shrimp dish, and a Pepsi. Besides my hotel I spent $.09 today – in total. I spent $1.23. My cheapest day on the trip thus far – how well I eat. I hope it stays true.

June 6, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
The usual free meals and treatment. Did nothing of importance today except write a song. I’m not exactly sure what to attribute it to, but today I suffered more mental anguish than I can remember since last September ‘78 when Toniça’s mother was on my case. God, I’ve just felt so awful today! And physically I’m all right ‘cept for the fact my tongue feels sensitive for some reason. But mentally – wow!- talk about anxiety. I couldn’t have been more negative. I interpreted everything negatively. For example, I’m paranoid and convinced that Jubianna’s trying to get rid of me because she thought I was a lousy lay. She said again tonight that we can make love tomorrow – almost surely, yes surely. Because of my paranoia I was a drip today. Couldn’t be worse. Don’t know what’s wrong cause physically I feel perfect. Memories of Nuria’s unethical behavior pervade my mind. I slither from hating Jubiana back to loving her and back again. Up till when I came in the door tonight I convinced myself that Jubiana is a liar about knowing everyone in this town. But I talked to one of the helpers here a few minutes ago and he knew her by name. So he’s right. But I think tomorrow will be great.

June 7, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
I don’t know what to think of this girl. She’s so bad but she’s come through when I needed her – once the first time we made love and once tonight when she cried to make the officer let me go even when she was free. Although even at this rate it would take me a year to speak good conversational Spanish I thought I might make a note that I am learning Spanish at a phenomenal rate. Between Jubiana and her book I’m learning a lot.
My good fortunes predicated can only be verified if you look philosophically at today because it couldn’t be worse what happened. Just for note I ate free at the restaurant, a shrimp dinner, breakfast of 2 ham sandwiches and tea and lunch of meat and rice, plus ice cream. I played the guitar a little today. Anyway, all day I was feeling pretty good but a bit frustrated. I kept telling Jubiana I wanted to make love and she kept making appointments for it all day, which never seemed to be quite right. She comes from a background of having servants and is used to giving orders. Until tonight – we drove on her motorbike to the worst spot, she was all ready – no bra – not much under her dress – we were caught by the police soon before we were to start (where – on the ground?). The bastard threatened to put me into jail for 3 months and told Jubiana to go (after he threatened her to go to the doctor to see if she was a virgin). Jubiana cried to let me go. I wouldn’t go. I don’t know… they split! J and I drove away. I asked her and we’re scheduled to go to her brother’s ranch tomorrow.

June 8, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Friday –Ay! Caramba. What’s this man coming to? Well, I think Wednesday could be attributed to the throat infection or whatever I had in part. Physical debility and love sickness can really sock it to you! With a fever, I always suffer depression, it seems. Today Jubiana and I were supposed to go to make love. Naturally, she said she couldn’t go. Naturally, she doesn’t want to. But at dinner time (in the afternoon, when I returned, I had gotten awfully angry with her and had packed my bags and was gonna leave), when I came back Jubiana was talking to an Argentine guy named Sergio. Well, Sergio and I had a beer or two and he told me what’s happening with the girls here. By the evening, Jub and I were friends again and went to the park and kissed a few times. Again, would you believe she had the gall to promise me we could make love tomorrow again? But Sergio is right. He says that she probably wants to but she probably is worried about these people here and that in Lima or Cuzco she’d probably be free and for sure no more problems.

June 9, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Saturday – I really feel great today which makes me almost certain that one of the reasons I was so confused Wednesday must have been a slight fever (I believe I was running). I have decided to stick it out here as I originally planned until Monday, when I’ll take a bus to Lima. Today Jubianna and Sergio and I went to the beach. He slept mostly and Jub and I were playing kissy face all the day and going to the water and I was grabbing her tits and when we were on her towel she was playing with my dick for about ½ hour, but so that no one could see. God, I wanted to make love so bad! I felt that I must really love her to stay with her when I want tit (that is, to make love) so bad and she doesn’t qive it. But for some reason out of this my self-esteem grew because I can tell when I’m being sincere and when I’m acting, and my feelings were sincere. It was a great day at the beach and I gave up on trying to ask her to make love ‘cause it does no good. In the evening I played the guitar and it put me in a great mood. Then I went and spent some time at the restaurant with Jubianna. We’re supposed to go to the beach together tomorrow. I’m excited about boiling my musical works down to three songs.

June 10, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Sunday – Oh God. I am in a great mood. A great, great mood. I swear I feel like Macho Piccu and Todd Bodd rolled into one. My spirits are high. First a recap of today. Jubianna and I went to the beach where we met Sergio. Jubiana and I played kissy face on the towels as usual, and though it obviously doesn’t compare with making love, it is obviously better than going without a girl’s affections. She got a bit upset when I started talking about making love, but I persisted and I said some of my philosophy. In the evening, I tried and succeeded in writing some good lyrics for Dance Heaven. I’m so damned excited about preparing 3 songs for recording. I feel confident in my creative abilities, which I’ve been cultivating since I started playing the piano at 5 years of age. I want to make the 3 songs absolutely perfect. I came to the restaurant after. Talking at the table with Sergio, others and Jub. I noticed that Jubianna is probably a bit mentally unstable. ‘Tis in the eyes, just like Jane’s eyes or my mom’s a – a little over friendly – behind their sparkle a dull look of madness! She still claims she loves me and asks me to visit her in Lima. She says we can make love there. Sergio and I have stumbled into a free ride to Lima tomorrow.

June 11, 1979
Tumbes, Peru
Monday – Well, today I went by and Jubianna and I kissed a kiss goodbye and made plans whereby I’ll write to her giving her my address in Cuzco and she can write me and let me know her plans. She said she loved me and I said I loved her. The free ride we were supposed to get to Lima was delayed, so Sergio and I got a bus at 7 p.m. for Lima. He’s a pretty nice guy. Before we left, I went by to say goodbye a last time to Jubianna. She says she hopes I write. Today I boiled down all my songs to 6 eligible songs for recording, and I place the entire songbook away in a safe spot in my pack. I am going to concentrate on these 6 songs, work on them and try to make something out of them. The bus took its time and as the night wore on, I dozed and awoke, time and again, trying to get comfortable. I hope Gary’s in Lima because I’m looking forward to seeing him as I miss his good company. The Tumbes affair is over.

June 12, 1979
Lima, Peru
Tuesday – On the bus went as the first light of dawn hit the drab desert of Peru. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an ugly desert in my life! The bus rode into Lima about 8 p.m. Sergio and I took a cab to the Hotel Europa, which was full, but there Sergio found a note from Cappa. He was at a hotel close by. I got a room there, the Hotel Commercio, and shortly after Gary came walking into the nearby cafe. A sight for sore eyes. Boy, was I glad to see him. With a group of people we ate and drank a little. After we talked for a while with Gary, the guy Mark from Washington, whom we originally met in Quito and his friend from Sweden, Bjorn. After I had a beer with some raunchy chick and went back, tired to my hotel and fell asleep. From what I can see, Lima is a nice place, the buildings are impressive and it seems to be an international city with culture.

June 13, 1979
Lima, Peru
Wednesday – Today I picked up my letters. I had one each from Mike Taylor, Dad, Gammy, and Tom and Jeff, and two from Connie and two from Toniça. I was a bit disappointed, not only because I only got two letters from Toniça but because the contents of them were drab and depressing, and it didn’t make me feel so secure, but on second and third examination I realized they weren’t so bad. I went to one museum today and it was pretty nice. I was really sick in the evening, and had a restless delirious sleep, waiting for the morrow when we’re going to go off to Huancayo. (We bought the train tickets today.) From the music: I had a stroke of genius tonight when I altered the melody and completed the song ‘I Love You Through and Through.’ It is ingenious! Along with some improvements in Dance Heaven I now feel I have 2 songs of which I have a lot of faith and would chance recording.

June 14, 1979
Huancayo, Peru
Thursday – My sleep last night was so delirious I awoke at 2 am thinking it was morning and I took a shower and started getting ready. I went back to sleep. I barely got on the train on time at 7:40 a.m. This is the highest train ride in the world. It’s highest station is at 15,681ft!!! The ride to Huancayo was terrifically pleasant. I started off sick as a dog, but a real nice girl with a real nice body gave me a pain killer and I felt better. We were all in the diner car sitting four to a table – me, Gary, Bjorn and Mark. It was the pleasantest ride ever. Sun filtered into our car like a breakfast room. I read Narciss and Goldmund by Hermann Hesse, some food for thought. We climbed amongst snow-dusted, otherwise barren peaks. Cappa began talking to the two girls with nice bodies and before we knew it (the guys Mark and Bjorn had a different hotel) we had arrived and had adjacent hotel rooms with the girls from Lima. They are super-friendly and sweet, polite and cute. Solid 6 ½ and 6. So… we had dinner with them and then walked around. We went back to their room and talked and played cards till midnight, said Happy Birthday to the one Maria Theresa, and shortly after said goodnight. The other is Liliana. They’re already invited us to Lima and tomorrow somewhere. Today was great.

June 15, 1979
Huancayo, Peru
Friday – (I might mention that in the letters I got from Connie she expressed her love to an extent and sounds very much in love with me.) Today will be one of the most memorable days of the trip. With Lilly and Moño we bought wine (for Moño’s birthday today) ham, cheese, apples, pineapple, bread, hot dogs, and other fruits and took a picnic in the hills above the city. We walked into the splendid valley and hiked to a spot below a cluster of rust-colored pillars which the natives said was once a castle of an Inca princess. There, under the blue skies, scattered with clouds, the sun shone brightly down while we ate our repast. The magnificent panorama spread out before us, while the girls made our sandwiches and prepared our fruit, there, with my best friend (on occasion running to a point, we would make our God call). In the evening we bought some drink, Pisco, and went to our room. The girls left after an hour or so. Me and Gary decided to pursue. (I had read them correctly that they just left to be polite.) After a while at the door they let us in their room. We said we had a problem; they said they had one too. It was the same for us both. It was almost spiritual. Long after Gary and Liliana went to sleep on the top bed, Moño and I lay on her bed in an embrace. We kissed a lot and caressed and it was too sweet to imagine. It was the first time they slept with men. We never took our clothes off. Moño and I stayed awake till the wee hours. We slept.

June 16, 1979
Huancayo, Peru
Saturday – Today we went out to a small town with the girls. I know not the name of it. The day was mystical. A light breeze, the sun, tranquility. When we returned we went for a dinner – this is all so nice. I ate soup, meat, salad and a baked apple for dessert. We saw a movie, Driver, in the night. We all enjoyed the film. When we got back to the room there was no contest that Gary and I would spend the night with them (he with Lillie and I with Moño. I turned out the main light and after a time the bed lights went out. I got under the covers with her, except with our clothes on, mind you. Moño and I played like children; it was more intense than last night. We kissed hard and my body rolled almost on top of her so that my genitals were on her leg almost near hers. We laughed and kissed and squeezed each other tight. Her large breasts rested against my arm. I ran my hand over her hips a few times, and I moved against her body like a love dance. If only I could have more days with her I can see I’m making progress. We fell asleep.

June 17, 1979
Huancayo, Peru
Sunday – The girls left a little after 11 a.m. today. We walked them down to the coach. For only knowing the girl three days I’m going to miss her an awful lot. She gave me a little silver ring that was hers, and although it doesn’t fit I told her I’d wear it around my neck on a string. She also gave me a sweatshirt, a football jersey of hers that’s way too small for me. She’s said so many nice things to me and been so sweet to me that I could easily be in love with her in a few more days. I told her I’d write when I got to Cuzco and tell them if I could come to Lima again. She said that if I left a telephone number and a time to call, that she would call me in Lima. I like her so much. When they left I was feeling awfully sick, so I laid down till 4 p.m. Gary and I caught the bus at 5 p.m. for Ayacucho. It was a miserable, miserable ride, because I’m really sick and physically I feel like I wanna die. On top of my sickness, I felt great dismay when on the bus. I discovered I couldn’t find the ring Moño gave to me. I’m really bummed out about that. My sickness is giving way to thoughts of home, of security, to wondering why I ever thought it a good idea to come on this trip.

June 18, 1979
Ayacucho to Abancay, Peru
Monday
As we sat in Ayacucho, wondering how we should get out of here, I drank some anis tea and ate some coco leaves and I felt better again. I’m totally bummed out about losing Moño’s ring. We caught a bus at 4 p.m. for Cuzco, and we’re supposed to arrive tomorrow night at about 5 p.m. I don’t really remember much of the ride – except that I was much more comfortable than last night - no more fever –and the bus was better. I got a seat near the front after about 5 hours. In the wee morning about 6 a.m. we pulled into a city where Mark and Bjorn got on the bus. So it starts Tuesday. I did a lot of thinking on the bus about my childhood and how good it was before my parents got divorced and all my early recollections of my infant fascination with women. I think about Moño and how sweet she was. I think about Toniça and I hope superstitiously that the fact that I miss her so much doesn’t mean that she has forgotten me. I wonder if being gone so long won’t make her forget me. But I can remember thinking all the same concerns when I was away for six weeks. I don’t know what I’ll do if she forgets about me or turns on me. I hope we can love again.

June 19, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Tuesday
So thins morning Mark and Bjorn and Gary and I set out from a little town 130 kilometers from Abancay. The ride went along till about 10:30 a.m., when we had breakfast in Abancay. After Abancay, the scenery opened up to and expanse quite incredible. We drove past the valley, past a glacier encrusted in a mountaintop and onto a high plain where an expanse of jagged black towers and snow-capped peaks stretched out farther an farther. It was like a fairy tale scenery. We drove down to a river that wound its way along the canyons of these seemingly impassable barriers. We crossed the river and began our late day climb to Cuzco. As we passed in the twilight, the jagged black peaks silhouetted against the sky, and stars began to poke out of the dark blue sky. Further on, and expanse of lights marked Cuzco, and soon we were unloading our luggage, getting a room with four beds, and going down the narrow street into the square to have a big dinner at the La Posada restaurant in the main square. When I closed my eyes after dinner, I was asleep – sound asleep within 15 or 20 seconds. Glad to arrive.

June 20, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Wednesday
Activities today consisted mostly of reading and finishing Narzias and Goldmund. By Hermann Hesse, eating and playing the guitar. With that recorded may I delve into a page of philosophy? Narzias and Goldmund raised many questions in my mind about my life and by the time I had fallen asleep the world seem near a nightmare. Gary, Mark , Bjorn and I all had our share discussing it, it meaning the choice between a life of hard work and a life of pursuing self-gratification only. On many hours now I’ve thought, considering myself a failure, wanting to fly back to Tonics’ arms, maybe marry, fearful she wouldn’t take me back, thinking hard on a career. In the middle of the night, I awoke and straightened out all these things in my mind, and my will grew from weak to magnificently strong. No, I will not let myself fall into an idle life. So, I will continue boldly on this trip. I do not think that I will go back to Lima, although I could find love for awhile. When I get back I will do as planned, find lover, perfect my craft; within the next four years I will try to excel in music. 0 if I at all can, I will simultaneously finish my college degree. If at 28 I have not made well, I will settle down and work and get a house and family.

June 21, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Thursday
Morning- So you see I’ve put myself on a time limit. At 18, I allowed myself till my 28th birthday to chase my dreams, and so I shall, but in an orderly manner, and with hard work, there I shall deliberately end my childhood and live like a responsible man. If I am making a good salary at music and happy, there I shall remain. In 1984, I will take a trip also, and after that beginning to work on a stable career. Evening Those guys wanted to buy some coke, so I went along with them and decided I’d go in on it with them. About the time they were trying to buy, Bjorn came down and said some guy knocked on our door and was asking after us. We freaked out, thought we’d been set up and Gary and I walked through town, thinking maybe we should fly to Bolivia and escape. Well, after about two hours of walking around we rationalized it out and saw Mark and they had hid the coke and the guys waiting in the lobby of our hotel weren’t narcs. So we all had some soup together and then a drink and we made plants to snort it up tomorrow. I am so happy to be free. I feel great. I don’t fee confused anymore about Toniça on my return.

June 22, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Friday
This morning was one of the best moments of my life. We awoke about 5:20 am. And hiked to where they had the coke. The moon and stars looked unreal against the mounts. We retrieved the coke and walked to a high hill, where we could see all of Cuzco, the fortress, the mountains and the sunrise. There, we split 2two grams of coke and it was so wonderful, sitting up on the patch of grass on a mountain. We go so wonderfully stoned. I love the coke high. We sat and talked sociably and enjoyed 2 ¼ hours straight coke snorting high on a Peruvian mountain. Gary took a picture of us against the city and mountains. Then we went and smoked a joint and walked down to the city through a river bed. We had breakfast, then smoked pot and drank white wine, then went to the Hindu restaurant and had a vegetarian lunch,. Then we rested for awhile. The evening was a bit more incredible. Mon and Lillie were calling us all day but we were out. I fell asleep by the phone at 12:30 a.m.. And the phone woke me up in my chair, outsider our room. Not enough space to write, but they love us so much. They are sending a package by plane tomorrow and they said they’ll help for pay us to come to Lima, and they’ll call again tomorrow. Moño loves me and it feels good, we’re going to Lima. She asked, and I said we’d need $40 each and she said O.K.

June 23, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Saturday
Today we got the package from Moño and Lillie. In it were two sweaters, two belts, an alpaca scarf, a cake that they baked us, three or four notes (or letters ) each, two tubes of toothpaste, six cans of fruit and fish, a bottle of extra old wind, some jelly, a box of 100 tea bags and a silver necklace each. The letters Mom=no write to me were so beautiful. Mark and Bjorn were looking on as we opened the package , and all four of us were somewhat in awe as we calculated the magnitude of their love. They called us at about 8 p.m. and said they’d call us next Sunday when we got back from Machu Picchu at this hotel (Hotel Procuradores) at 10 p.m.. I can’t wait to see them. She said not to worry about the money nor the cantidad (quantity). Again today we got stoned and drunk, made jokes , ate well. Diary, I’m so lonely and I miss Toniça so much. So much that I’m afraid maybe I’ll never know her again. I think of her all the time. This trip is great in a lot of ways but the loneliness factor is infringing on my good time.

June 24, 1979
Cuzco, Peru Sunday
Today was Inti Raymi, festival of the Sun. Ironically it was the cloudiest day yet in Cuzco since I’ve been here. It was really neat up at the Fortress Sacsahuaman with all those colors and all those people.

The ceremony itself reminded me of church and my mind wandered to Toniça and I missed her so badly that I hurt. We returned shortly before it was over, made plans for our hike tomorrow and ate at the vegetarian restaurant. In the evening, I went off by myself and found Debbie’s place of residence here in Cuzco, with the map I got of it from the Australian girl last night. She was taking a bath when I got there and after she finished we talked for a good while over tea. She invited me to stay there and I was disappointed that I didn’t find this earlier because the house is beautiful, serene, has a bathtub and piano and is quite large. Debbie and I decided to go hiking together and I told her I’d move in tomorrow and we’d hike Tuesday or Wednesday. I went home happy as a lark. I’m going to a nice place.

June 25, 1979
Cuzco, PERU
Monday
I gave the guys the news that I wasn’t going with the – they put off their trip till tomorrow because Mark and Bjorn don’t feel well. Gary and I got into a big argument about details and I went to Debbie’s place. When I got there I was immediately joyful with my decision. This house makes me feel so good and Debbie’s so kind and wise. I took a great warm bath and played the guitar. This house give me a place to think and write, make decisions, feel secure and happy. I could scarcely believe what happened in the nighttime. As I got out my sleeping bag (we were sharing a room), Debbie said, “We can sleep together if you want.” I said, “Sure. She said, “I don’t meant to come on like… all these girls are falling in love with you!” I was thrilled. I said, “Terrific.” When I finally crawled in bed we started touching each other. She was nude. We kissed. She has real big tits. I licked, caressed, and kissed her vagina for about 15 minutes (after we’d been playing around about 40 minutes). She was on top. I entered her vagina. It was surprisingly tight. After around five minutes, she said, “Oh, I’m coming.” So shortly after, I cam too. She said, “That was incredible.” Shortly after, we slept.

June 26, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Tuesday
You know, when I first walked in here the other night, Debbie said, “You’re looking good.” I had my wool sweater on. She had a glint in her eye. I’ve today found a new reverberation within me – gilding over the failure of the H.R.’s – new hope, regained confidence – with a golden aura inside me. I finished letters today to all kinds of people – Toniça, Taylor, Moño, Connie, Hock and Clym, Donna; postcards to Dad, Mom, Gram, Lynn, Robin and Mrs. Eastling. I worked on I Love You Through And Through and again, improvements. In the evening, Debbie and I went out and had a bit to eat, then we had dessert. One of the guys who rents the house came back tonight, so Debbie and I slept in a room back of the house meant for the maid. As we got in bed she looked at me and said, “You’re a good lover.” I said, “No, you are.” She said, “No, you did everything.” I said, “No, you did.” We made love, I can’t remember when anything felt so good. Afterwards, I entered her again for a second time from the back. I came inside her again after awhile. It was really nice. P.S. She’s begun her period today.

June 27, 1979
Llactapa, Peru
Wednesday
Because Zeke got back, we were able to leave today to hike the Inca Trail. To Machu Picchu. We did all our chores, like renting a tent, etc. etc. At 2:25 p.m. the train left Cuzco. We bought first class tickets, but you never would have known it - you had to walk over people to get to the end of the car!
We got to Kilometer 88, the trailhead, just before dark. We took a trolley across the river – 10 seconds. And hiked in the dark till the ruins of Llactapa, where we set up our tent. The mountains silhouetted against a sky so profuse with stars and the stars twinkling like Christmas ornaments, that it rendered the scene incredible. On the flat our orange tent glowed like a flashlight, illuminated by the candle within, adding beauty and presence, our presence, to the scene. We ate a delightful cold repast (no stove) and got to bed. After feeling my body, Deb said, “You have a nice body.” Like I mentioned, she’s on her period. She laid on her side away from me and I entered her from the back. After maybe 15 minutes of trying to keep from coming, I came. We slept.

June 28, 1979
Llulluchapampa, Peru
Thursday - Today was awesome. We began our hike at Llactapa, an elevation of about 2600 meters, and hiked to Llulluchapampa, just below the first pass (which has an elevation of about 4,200 meters). Llulluchapampa is an alpine plain just above the tree line, at about, I would guess, 3800 meters; I would estimate about 1200 feet below the pass. My packed weighed about 40 pounds. From the turn in the trail at Huayllabamba, I had a very rough time of it. We began hiking at about 8 a.m. and didn’t arrive till about 6 p.m., just before sunset. Although we took a lot of rests and a good long stop at a meadow by some campers, I was almost delirious when we arrived at the alpine pampa, due to fatigue and the thin air of the Andean highlands. We immediately set up and fell asleep after eating. I awoke a few hours later, ate some more and went back to bed. I was very, very fatigued. You must understand that the scenery is magnificent. You’re tired, then you look behind you at the high snow-covered peak, name unknown to me, standing above the other white tops as if she were queen and they princesses, and your soul is refreshed.

June 29, 1979
Sayaqmarca, Peru
Friday
Although it gets hot when the sun shines up here, the last night left frost (though invisible you can feel it) on the inside of our tent. We were up early and hiking by 7 a.m. I reached the first pass of 4200 meters at 8 a.m., Debbie shortly after. We rested there till 8:40 a.m. I shot two pictures and then we descended the valley and ascended again to Runkuraqay, an Inca ruin; I arrived at 10:30 a.m., Debbie shortly after. There we laid in the warm sun, with a light cool wisp of wind coming up occasionally, resting. There I wrote the preceding. From Runkuraqay, we crossed the second pass at 12,696 feet. We walked down to the ruins of Sayaqmarca - note: 13 windowed room – looked around and camped below. We bathed in the ice-cold stream, sat in the sun to dry and smoked half a joint. At sunset, which was spectacular, we went inside. She said, “You’re a very sexy man.” She said, “I want to suck you.” So she did and it felt so good that I came in her mouth. She kept sucking and swallowed whatever came out. After awhile we made love for a short while. We ate, had some tea, which fellow campers offered and fell asleep. I didn’t know how to act after I came in her mouth. I dreamt heavily about Toniça for the second night in a row.

June 30, 1979
Aguas Calientes, Peru
Saturday
Waking in Sayaqmarca, we took a wonderfully pleasant hike through frost-covered jungle, moss of orange, red and yellow, over the third pass, where we rested at Phuypatamarca. Then we hiked to Wiñaywayna. We rested a there and I wandered around the ruins. I thought very highly of these ruins and their location high above a river gorge. At around 3:30 p.m. we trudged off to Inti Punca. We arrived at this gateway to Machu Picchu when the sun was setting directly over the mountains behind Machu Picchu. There it was.
Although we had seen the back of it earlier today, this was the first time I had seen the Citadel fully. It was spectacular, one of the most majestic sights I’ve ever seen. We walked down to the river, were promptly kicked out by a rude man with a whistle and we trudged down Hiram Bingham Way, a bus came by, then we walked form the train station to Aguas Calientes. After dinner we walked up the dark hillside to a bonfire – lit, reminiscent of ancient Rome mineral baths - paid our 30 Soles, got in, bathed illegally in the shadows; I marveled at being there under the stars. Exhausted on our return, I promptly fell asleep.

Memo
My goals in this life are (1) To win the long-lasting, life-long love from a woman I love and her companionship (2) To have a nice home in an area that pleases me (3) To have a respectable, well-paying profession, (4) To have two or three healthy, well-loved and so contented children with means to raise them properly, so they can choose their lives and be able to pursue them (5) To have peace in my soul and know happiness almost every day in my life if I possibly can.
My dreams in this life are (6) To be a respected, successful songwriter and musician and to prosper financially at it (7) To travel and visit all the lands of the earth (8) To be a wealthy man (9) To leave this world making it a little better, to help people, to bring happiness to those I can, to help others find faith and hope in themselves, or health or whatever way in which I can help. P.S. a 6th goal: to have the real respect and sincere praise from my family and if possible friends and if possible people in general.

July 1, 1979
Aguas Calientes, Peru
Got up and after breakfast missed the 7 a.m. bus to Machu Picchu. It was 8:30 am. We walked up Hiram Bingham Way and after we were about one third of the way we got a ride from a service truck. We had smoked half a joint before and I was thoroughly stoned when we arrived at 10:20 a.m. We bombed (Ed. note - i.e., walked) all around the ruins. Magnificent, they are! What can I say! – You have to go there yourself. At around 3 p.m. we took a bus down, walked to A.C., ate, read outside till dark, stoned, laughing hysterically at the Alan Watts book. Deb kept telling me she wanted to make love. At sunset we went to our room, got in bed. After a time we took off our pants. We made love and it was really spectacular – oh, ‘bout twenty minutes inside her. Then, after a time we made love again, this time I think it was longer. I was really getting into it. Later we got up and after I packed I crawled in bed with her, practically asleep she was. I got on her back and once I got in I made love to her from on top her back rather quickly. We fell sound asleep early. I thought it was a really satisfying love-making experience. Love to hear a girl sigh beneath me!!!

July 2, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Monday
We left Aguas Calientes on the 8:30 a.m. train and arrived in Ollante at 10:00 a.m. We ate and I wrote, we hiked up to the fortress of Ollantantaybo. It was pretty neat. Deb and I talked about relationships and about the subject of marriage in general, about our respective boyfriend and girlfriend back in the USA. The 5:30 p.m. train out of there was late and we had a miserable ride. Again we had first class tickets and it was worse than last week – we had to stand up near the bathroom in the vestibule – people yelling, pushing, being rude in every way. We got to Cuzco at 9:30 p.m. Deb and I went to the house and went to Piccolo’s for a great dinner – well, shall I say, satisfying(?)! I’m starting to feel sick in the stomach again like before Cuzco. When we got back and went to bed we made love. I liked this session best. I moved around in more ways, made better love, was in her longer than before, maybe 25 minutes. Also , it was totally relaxed and extroverted for me – I think for her also. When we were done, before we went to sleep, she said, “I love you.” I said, “I love you too. I can’t help it!” We slept on pads on the floor in the room downstairs with the piano.

July 3, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Tuesday
I was sick today but instead of taking no action I took Entero-Sediv. And by evening time, the rumblings in my stomach and the diarrhea was gone. Debbie went shopping, took the laundry out, was a dear heart. I stayed around the house being sick, reading, drinking tea. Inn the evening I played the guitar for a few hours. (I Love You Through and Through). I Love You Through and Through is finally finished. I changed Stagefright inside out and I love it. Debbie came back with Gary and Bjorn!!! It was good to see him!! They left after teas, Deb and I cooked spaghetti., then I went out to meet Gary and see if the girls Moño and Lillie would call. They didn’t and I could only surmise they had either lost interest (impossible) or she had not gotten my letter – we decided to call them in the morning. But music-wise, on my walk to Gary’s hotel, it occurred to me to change the name of the Dance Trance to Stagefright and make it into like a stage song. I came back and fell asleep next to Debbie – on the pads. We didn’t make love.

July 4, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Wednesday
(Today celebrates four months on the road for Gary and I)
I didn’t mention yesterday’s great banana bread Debbie baked. Helped on my road to recovery. Wonderful day, wonderfully full. We snuck into a room and cashed checks after they’d closed the door, on people who were desperately trying to cash checks (us included). There’s a big strike here and it was a bitch to cash checks. We left a message in Lima for M and L to call at 8 p.m. at the hotel tonight. We had lunch. We met Debbie, (she and I) had yogurt. Then we all went to the French pastry shop for cake pudding and hot chocolate. Then to the theater to see Coming Home – good flick. Then to have some of the best lasagna ever and pisco sours. Gary and I went to the hotel . M & L called about 8:10 p.m. and we talked for around half an hour. The love affair is still on. We’re going go Lima. We’re overjoyed. Then we met Debbie at El Ritabilllo where I had mulled wines. We all walked to the house, Gary borrowed a book and left. Debbie lit the candles on the piano and she and I made love for around an hour and talked about how ? our relationship was. It was really, really nice. ? I went down on her about 3 times and we made ? in between. After, I entered from back. Felt so good.

July 5, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Thursday
Since I got to Peru, I’ve been working on six songs. I’ve narrowed down the numbers and it’s interesting to see the developments; after all, being a nobody in music, I can do only my best, so I’m going to try to produce five or six really great songs. I feel so confident about girls because I feel I understand to not talk about sex till they do, to let them make the moves, or give the signs when there’s an attraction. It is really all up to them – it’s their job. Debbie’s given me confidence. Toniça, I still love a lot, but I’m going ahead with this trip. I bought an alpaca sweater for Toniça today for 2500 soles ($11). Cappa came over for dinner. The dinner was great. We had pasta, salad, wine. We bought our seats on the bus for Saturday. The girls M&L called at 6 p.m. as expected and as usual our great conversation. They’re suppose to meet us Sunday at the bus depot. When Debbie and I made love tonight, it was really sensational. She said she loved me, she’s telling me how good-looking I am. We made love for around 40 minutes. I was in her about that long. She’s so damn sweet. I love her.

July 6, 1979
Cuzco, Peru
Friday
Last day in Cuzco. I shopped and bought assorted goods for gifts – picked up a letter from … Jubliana. Had a great lunch of lasagna at the Italian restaurant. Gary and I had an argument about God-knows what - saying we’ve been rude to one another – I think he’s jealous that I took off and got laid – now we’re tied at about 22 and he admits I’ll probably surpass him. I stayed with Debbie tonight. Now that girl loves me. She treats me great. Funny thing happened tonight about music. They guy who runs the house, Jim, told me he heard me playing at Hotel Commercio in Lima and he wanted to hear Dance Heaven. Can you believe that?? I wouldn’t play until he left and for Debbie, who really wanted to hear me, I did. She went overboard telling me how really good I was, I was a good songwriter, had a great voice. She told me she loved me many times. I mean she sounded like she thought I was great. I kept playing and burnt the banana bread - about 1 or 2 a.m. I crawled into bed and felt clumsy. I wanted to make love. She was half asleep and cranky by that time. I ate her intermittently with entering her. After some time I decided I’d better come and did.

July 7, 1979
Huachujasa, Peru
Saturday
This morning Debbie apologized saying that, “I’m sorry for being cranky last night when we made love. I was tired; I can be sexier than that.” I got up about ten minutes to 7 a.m. and so did she and she helped me carry my stuff to the Playa de Armas, where the bus company is and Gary was: I told her thanks for being such a sweetheart. We tentatively will meet in Puno in 2 or 2 ½ weeks. The bus left. Gary and I had a good conversation until we stopped for “breakfast” and then afterwards we read. We stopped for dinner at some bad and inefficient (most of them are) restaurant. It was cold as a witch’s tit tonight. As we passed over Huachujasa (mountain) we awoke to see snow all over the ground and a gray-white blurry haze in the air through which you could see the moon shining down, and a stranger phenomena I’ve never seen before – it was just like a rainbow except it was white. Like a moonbow – or a snowbow. On the bus today I almost finished reading In My Own Way by Alan Watts – how fucking boring listening to him name-drop.

July 8, 1979
Lima, Peru
Sunday
This morning cruising along ‘bout 130 km from Nazca, we saw a huge field – would have held one million people – another Woodstock – and scattered for the next 10 km along the road we saw herds of Vicuna – very rare animals like llamas but looking like a cross with a deer. Very pretty. Drove through Nazca, through Ica, near which are mountainous sand dunes like those of Egypt and Sahara. Fell asleep after dinner, almost finished 200 pages of Shogun, my new book. We pulled into Lima ‘bout 11:30 p.m. by the time we got our bags off the bus. Lillie and Moño came up behind us. I hugged, we hugged each other – all four of us. They drove us to our pension, which is a nice house in a residential district – no signs – and we cleaned up a little, then we drove to the Blue Moon restaurant. We, Gary and I had lasagna, cake and coffee. There was no bill!! I don’t know how they did that. When we drove out to the beach, I had my arm around Moño, kiss her hair, holding hands – nice body!! Gary and I were dropped off at around 315 a.m. – incredulous!!!!

July 9, 1979
Lima, Peru
Monday
I’m not here in Lima as the guest of a girl but as the guest of an angel. We woke up later today. Mon called and they came and picked us up. At about 2 p.m. They took us to a great lunch of pizza – again no bill (but I saw Moño sneak off to pay it). We went around, coffee, pastry, went to Lillie’s apartment, played cards, met her mother. Her servant brought coffee. In the evening over a Campari, then a Napoleon Brandy from Bordeaux. I listened to Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony. After we were served a dinner of pasta with a bottle of ’76 Taxama Peruvian Rose. In the hour following dinner, Moño explained her letters to me: Upon returning from Huancayo, she ended a relationship of eight months with a boy. We all drove out to the beach – stood on a lookout – Moño and I are being affectionate – hugging, nuzzling, arm in arm, rather around back, as we walk. Before coming here, Gary and I determined to be perfect gentlemen – the girls deserve it. I still have not kissed her full o n the lips since we arrived. You should see them – always concerned with our comfort. Moño and I are being very affectionate. This is incredible.

July 10, 1979
Lima, Peru
Tuesday
I got a letter from my Mom today and it makes me feel a little weird – her letters read like a gossip column. She name drops the family all over the place. I feel like an outcast when she writes me. When my Dad writes me I feel great. Such is life. Meanwhile, I’m down here in Lima being treated like a king. The girls came by today and brought us Milo and toast, then left, to return to bring us to a good lunch at Lillie’s. We returned about 5 or 6, and in the evening we went to play pee-wee golf but it was too cold, so we ate and they took us to a show called “Wedding Day.” After, we went home. Moño slumped on my chest after dinner in the car and we kissed for awhile, then again for awhile. It feels good. Why? I mean why does it feel this good? It’s like heaven. She has got a terrific body. She’s so small, yet her breasts are so full and firm and her waist so trim. We are very affectionate. I almost feel like she wants to…make love with, to me. Still, agonizingly, I think of Toniça, she seems so far away and forgotten, but deep inside I have this glimmering of hope. I wonder if we’ll ever know one another again.

July 11, 1979
Lima, Peru
Wednesday
Today was again full of the usual niceties brought upon us by the girls. I wonder if they understand that we would prefer sex, though we appreciate their gifts – today lunch at a Chinese restaurant, a light meal at dinner time. It appears that we’re not going to leave together to Huancayo until Monday or Tuesday instead of tomorrow. Gary and I laughed till it hurt, making jokes in “1000 ways.” “Are you with this group here?” “I’m with a group of gay mongooses!” “Donna and Pepe just left.” “The last time I was in Ayacooooocho,” and so on. I was in stitches. We had a meeting tonight. It looks like we’re gonna maybe spend more time in South America, maybe see the Galapagos and Caribbean and blow off Europe I could force myself on Moño a little but I don’t want it that way – I sort of made a vow (to myself) to be a gentleman. I know the outcome of forcing oneself on a girl and on a virgin, and I don’t want it… for Moño or myself. Yet I am unjustly frustrated. Maybe I’ll call Jubianna tomorrow. Feelin’ terrific and free.

July 12, 1979
Lima, Peru
Thursday
I intended to call Toniça tonight but I never got around to it ‘cause we were swept off to a seafood dinner by Lillie and Moño, invited guests of Lilllie’s Mom’s boyfriend and her Mom. I had octopus salad (great), squid (great), kingfish (good), shrimp (good), rice with seafood (great), white wine (great), coffee (great) and pancakes (great, but cold). The girls fixed us a real tasty lunch today also, plus a snack of baked apples at a shop. I really dig Lima a lot.
Gary and I almost punched each other out, we got so pissed today, but I apologized, said I was really sorry ‘n so did he. After dinner, we drove out to the beach and parked. Moño and I made out a whole mess and got pretty heavily into the kissing. Now I’m feeling a little more free with her and mobile. I’m being polite but resting my head against her breasts and holding her tighter than before. I think she’s more experienced than I first gave her credit for. I wonder if she’s a virgin. All’s well here. Sent Toniça a letter and one to Jubliana informing her I’m here.

July 13, 2008
Lima, Peru
Friday
I’m wondering when it’s going to end because I’m starting to enjoy the treatment that we’re getting. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why these girls are doing all this for us. We did not do much today, only a dinner of hot chocolate, sandwiches, desserts, coffee. And at night I tried to call Toniça, but there was no answer. She’s probably out making out with her new boyfriend. Listen to me, that’s my guilty conscience trying to put the blame on her (ha! ha!) I’m feelin’ good. Life is so fucking easy and I’m lucky to have it so because very few people do; and I depend on the rest of the world for services, which makes my life good. I’m still daily adding thoughts to my six tunes. I’m going to keep improving those songs until they are all something of which I can be proud. There are very few things that I really want to do before I die. One is to make love a lot more, the other is to record some songs I’ll be proud of.

July 14, 1979
Lima, Peru
Saturday
Today was most incredible of all. We were invited to a great lunch at Lillie’s house by her Mom. Had two beers - 3 beers, before we went to a club at 11 p.m. A night club where there was live entertainment, dinner, dancing. The dinner was the shits but it was so much fun to be there, Gary and I could hardly believe that we were, on our South American adventure, but miraculously living the good life. A friend of theirs, Lacho is having his birthday tomorrow, so he was there too, as were two of their girlfriends, also Lillies’s Mom and her Mom’s boyfriend – so there as a chocolate cake too…. L & M gave us each a little silver medallion with our names on them and birthdays to put on the silver chains they sent to Cuzco. After like 4 a.m., we went to have coffee – the wee hours of my birthday. I experienced the fist earthquake I ever felt. I never felt them before when I was in them, but the whole restaurant shook and everyone went running out! Perhaps that’s a good or bad omen for my 25th years. Some guys in the room across the way asked me to record this evening on their cassette. They liked Dance Heaven and I Love You Through and Through.

July 15, 1979
Lima, Peru
Sunday
You know, I seriously feel I’ve go a good battle plan for my music. To perfect three tunes and record them when I return. Dance Heaven is one of them, probably because it gets a reaction – out of the three or four people who’ve heard it 4 or 5 have commented on it – 2 people heard it from behind my closed door. Also, I Love You Through and Through. I’m working on a third. This try has got be perfect. It’s a one shot deal, kinda. Didn’t do much with the girls. Saw them from about 3 to 8 pm – Lillie’s step-dad had an “attack” (mental), so we didn’t see them in the night. We went, had lunch, drove out to Callao, went back to our room with the girls and laid on the bed with Moño, talking about love a little. About 8, 830;p, they left. I’m really horny and I wish that I could make love to Moño, but alas, it is not proper and probably impossible. Reading Shogun, working on my third song, thinking about Teets, thinking about the adventures that lied ahead.

July 16, 1979
Lima, Peru
Monday
Tonight, c’mon, let’s admit the big event of the day… it cost me a fortune…maybe it’ll never make any difference in the long run… I talked to Toniça tonight. That shit-ass –she kept me on the phone 18 minutes – it cost me $60.00!! Can you imagine. (We didn’t do much today with Moño and Lillie, had dinner at Lillie’s, talked about personal matters with Moño and she says she understands that it’s hard for me (to go without sex).) Toniça says she misses me, and she loves me and what did I get her? I must have a soft spot I n my heart for her because in all honesty I was delighted to talk to her. When she asked when I was coming back, I said, “How does a few months sound?” She said, “A few months for you is a coupla years!” And when I told her I thought she’d forgotten about me s, she said, “I’m shure-a (I’m sure!) in her strange accent I told her I’d call her next week. It was a success. It was a delightful call. Despite the money, I’m happy.

July 17, 1979
Lima, Peru
Tuesday
Today was delightful. After our usual morning of doing absolutely nothing except lying in our beds reading, the girls came by and brought us to our favorite spot for lunch – the Blue Moon. . First I had lasagna, then strawberries and cream, then cappuccino and cream. It was a delightful lunch. In the evening they brought a repast to our room and being late for the cine we went to the Pueblo – a Hyatt hotel ?Resort on the outskirts of Lima – but they wouldn’t let us in . Back in the city Cappa and I getting the evil eye from waiters and the owner after we’d been making jokes … BROMO PATROL.. MOSQUITO AWAY… and I went flying against the wall… they don’t understand humor down here!! I feel very happy about the call last night. Do you know that I’m very horny and I wish something would break with Moño – but I’MM BIDING MY TIME AND HOPING SOMETHING WILL CHANGE THE TIDE OF THINGS.

July 18, 1979
Lima, Peru
Wednesday
The girls came by at 2:30 p.m. and took us to lunch. In the evening we all went to the movies to see the ?Exorcist – interesting but I didn’t think that it was scary. I’m exercising every last ounce of my patience with Moño – we kiss and cuddle but nothing beyond that and I’m getting a little beyond myself trying to cope with the situation. Toniça said that she saw Clymer at the Warehouse West setting up for Hock. H- Hock and his group were playing there… I wonder… I don’t feel like, I dread, taking a normal job when I get back…. could joining up with Tom again perhaps help me… but the fights… we’re both leaders… can’t get along…. I too jealously guard my new songs… but I wouldn’t have to reveal those three songs…. It’s preliminary,… but so far my choices are Dance Heaven… I love You Through and Through and Love Dance.

July 19, 1979
Lima, Peru
Thursday
Today was different from the rest here in that the girls seemed to open up tonight before our very eyes- We watched the Miss Universe contest (Miss Venezuela won) coin our room with a TV they’d borrowed and lent us. On my bed, in the semi-darkness, Moño and I laid close, kissing and talking. At the end of the night, before they left, I put my hand on the top of Moño’s left breast – as our bodies were together the tip of it was touching my chest and I felt its fullness and squeezed lightly for around 10 minutes! Gary also noticed the change in them and after they left at midnight, Gary and I went to the Mac Tambo and each drank a six-pack of Pilsen beer and we had a good talk. They too us to the Pizzeria for lunch today and on the way there it occurred to me that when the right time comes to try something with a girl, you know it – there is no doubt- the time let’s you know – you don’t decide it. You feel it. ?The time came tonight.

July 20, 1979
Lima, Peru
Friday
Under my suggestion we’re leaving for Huancayo on Tuesday, not today. It’s also occurred to me that the way to love a girl or kiss a girl is to give – the only requirement. As I kiss and caress in a giving spirit I feel perfect abut it. Giving is the essence of loving. Tonight I purposefully laid my hand on Moño’s breast, laying under my covers in my room in my bed. She didn’t really seem to mind so I caressed at will. She told me that when she woke up this morning, her breasts hurt, implying I had hurt them last night – she seemed interested and surprised when I asked her if she was on her period and she told me it had started last night. She asked me how I knew and I told her because breasts are usually ender during a girl’s period, and she agreed. The amusing thing is that if her period began last night and we spent Tuesday night in Huancayo, then her blood should just be gone and it should be safe to make love until Friday or Saturday. With this information I feel much freer to make an effort in that direction.

July 21, 1979
Lima, Peru
Saturday
I might mention that I also caressed her ass thoroughly last night. I might also mention that all this caressing is through her clothes. Tonight we laid on my bed for four hours, this time our conversation being more open than before, my hands wandering sliding across her crotch (upon which I can feel a huge Kotex under the clothing) and I general the whole sexual game is laid bare before our eyes. She know it, I know it, we both know each other knows it. And after our conversation tonight we both have a basic understanding of what each other things about it. Touching her tits was very open too tonight – I mentioned and I am afraid that I will either not have her my return or just as much afraid that I will lose interest in her as in my heart I seem to have lost of Lynn – what to do? I don’t want to lose interest in Toniça. Gary Cappa is a tight-wad. He said he wanted to develop the film and when I asked him for money today for it, he got me into a big argument about it. He lies a lot too. I paid the entire deposit, but he’ll be lucky if he ever sees the negatives.

July 22, 1979
Lima, Peru
Sunday
I’m sorry I said that I might lose interest in Teets, that’s impossible. I won’t. Well, it’s not impossible. I’m just pretty sure I’ll love her when I get back. What I’m really worried about is that she might not love me. But I really don’t have any real cause for worry, yet! Another typical day was today, of dinner and affection. Adventure has worked its wonder on me again – I have probably never felt so much peace of mind before in my life. Maybe it was being locked up in that apartment for so long with all that animosity between Tom and I, back in Metairie, that made me feel so low and serious. I haven’t discovered and MASTER PLAN on this trip, yet I’ve been given the answer I was searching for – and it’s that in the future I will try to record and try to take what seems to be the logical steps to success in music. I find this simplicity much easier to live with than a master plan. I am changing in that I am thinking a good deal and trying to be tactful and diplomatic, if not clever, in my dealings with others.

July 23, 1979
Lima, Peru
Monday
Although I kept my cool throughout, everything seemed to fall apart today. I couldn’t call Toniça because the lines were out – do you know that I have been dreaming a lot about her? I love her I think – a lot, but I may have to forget her because she may be taken on my return. Affection seemed to slide with Moño, all but fell off a cliff. They told us the train was full – for the rest of the week (to Huancayo). We feel that they’re considering backing out because they are scared of sex and perhaps feel that they’re going to have to fight it if we go to Huancayo. I mailed letter to Toniça, Lynn, Debbie and Jubianna today and received letters from Jubiana and Debbie. Debbie sounds like she’s in love (with me). And wants to meet me in Puno. Will I ever get out of Peru? The projections Gary and I have made for our itinerary put us in Manaus, Brazil on June 20, 1980 in Tierra Del Fuego in Oct-Nov). It all seems such a long way off, including financially. Thought are of music, girls, trip arrangements.

July 24, 1979
Lima, Peru
Tuesday
Again tonight I couldn’t call Toniça because the lines were out of order, and I hope she doesn’t think that I deliberately broke my promise to call her. Here in Lima everything’s fine. Gary and I traded a bunch of clothes for clothes with Gino and Jorge, two guys that live in this house. Gary and I had a talk and may go to Juarez (and invited the girls along), before we leave Peru. When the girls said that there were passages to Huancayo, I we, thought they were lying, but apparently this weekend is like Peru’s Independence Day, so it is likely. We talked to them and they assured us they were telling the truth. Talked to Moño privately this evening and she said, I said to her, that she loves me a lot, and that it is hard for her, but assured me we’ve got to try to live for the moment. We kissed and cuddled and everything seems great again. I don’t know what to do with her (‘cept make love) because it is not apparent to me that she loves me so much – her heart’s pretty tender. So, you know, thinking’s good and all but I feel better being extroverted.

July 25, 1979
Lima, Peru
Wednesday
Bought a gourd. They got some incredible alpaca rugs for $350-$450 dollars – I talked to Mon and Lillie and they said that if I sent them the money that they could buy one and sent it (once I was back in the States). I had a talk with Moño about sex and she said that if she sexual relations with me she would suffer a lot after I left and that perhaps she cold never love another. I explained that I realized it before I came to Lima and that I determined not to try to make love with her, for her sake. We didn’t have time to finish our conversation. I was trying to call Toniça but her line was busy. At 12:25 a.m. I gave up and Lillie drove us home 0 on the ride I had my hand on Moño’s breast – for such a small girl my hand barely fit around it. Just a few more chores to do around her in Lima and then we’ll be off to Juarez and then out of Peru. I hope I meet Debbie in Puno.

July 26, 1979
Lima, Peru
Thursday
An interesting thought: I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I feel something for a girl and want to make love to her that I don’t just want her sex. In short, there is more to love than sex. My reason is due to my situation – at any time I could leave and get sex from Debbie – yet with no hope of loving Moño I stay here – because I care for her. I finished Tale of Two Cities today – great book. Dickens is a tremendously talented author. Saw a bit of the girls today – but not much. I tried to call Toniça again but there were no lines open until 3 a.m. so I couldn’t – which means I probably won’t be able to call because this is the last night I’ll spend in Lima with access to Lillie’s phone as we’re supposed to go to Juarez tomorrow evening. I’ll write and explain. I hope she’s not mad. Gary and I went to see a movie called The Champion today. I am really happy. This vacation this adventure leaves me with near-total peace of mind.

July 27, 1979
Lima, Peru
Friday
I sucked on Moño’s bare tit tonight – can you believe that? We ere on my bed and I told her it was the only thing I wanted and through persuasion she consented. I undid her bra and felt her luscious breast. Her nipples were standing at full salute; she was obviously turned on. Lillie passed out at the Blue Moon – they took us there for a late dinner – and beers imported from Bolivia. Earlier I had an enlightening conversation with Lillie and Moño privately in the park. I explained about sex and how it makes relationships fuller – I opened their eyes – they said so the rest of the night – they were going through convulsions of appreciation and warmth – I swear sometimes I’ve got a silver tongue. All the emotion stemmed from Lillie’s Mom telling her she couldn’t go to Juarez – I had bet Gary earlier 100 Soles that they wouldn’t go. I won. We gave Moño our packages to mail home. The girls left our room at 3 a.m. God, it was great.

July 28, 1979
Lima, Peru
Saturday
Gary and I got drunk off our butts tonight. The girls came over in the late afternoon and took us to a place on the beach – it was really bitchin – we had a bit to eat and Gary and I each had seven martinis – and they were really big martinis – like about 7 ounces each! I got incoherent after a fun, long conversation, and we went out to the beach and then I passed out in the car – back at the house I ran to my room only to throw up down out our window. But besides that, it was a real fun drinking bout. Well, Moño had love eyes – she seemed really relaxed – I uses she really enjoyed having her tits kissed last night. I must say as a comment that I am developing a wonderful skill – that of determining human nature – understanding psychology – it ought to help me greatly – I can anticipate people’s actions more and more and manipulate them to help me. I found a name in Big Sur – a book I’m reading by Jack Keroac - A possible stage name – Edward Kool – naw, that’s too dumb for me.

July 29, 1979
Lima, Peru
Sunday - Our mind’s are in a sea of martinis – One thing of importance: I’m working a lot on these songs. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way I’m going to have a change of “making it” is to make all my own decisions – To Rely On Myself Only. Although I may think of a reason to change my mind later, right now it seems the logical ting for me is to have a solo act like Rod Stewart – and I’m going to try to have the best musicians (on my recording_) that I can get. Rolled around on the bed tonight with Moño. Gary and Lillie got in a fight last night and didn’t see each other today. Moño and I went to the Blue Moon and we had a real good talk. She’s such a sweet girl, and yet I feel so sorry for her. It’s such a drab life here, even in the city. Gary and I are probably going to split tomorrow – we’ve been here long enough and we’re both getting anxious to leave again. I’m happy now but I have the weird feeling that you get being with a girl for three weeks and never making love.

July 30, 1979
Huaraz, Peru
Monday - At 9:30 p.m. we caught a bus for Huaraz, north of here. I’m really sick with Inca Quickstep for the third time in less than two months. We got all the film today of Macchu Piccu, Ecuador and I got some shots back from before I left. There’s a picture in the bunch of Toniça, which is so pretty – she looks so cute in that picture. God, how I miss her. I’m afraid she won’t love me when I get back, I’m afraid maybe I won’t love her, I‘m afraid of so much and all I really want is to be with her. I’m really sick, so that adds to my dissatisfaction – not to mention how sad Moño and Lillie seemed at our departure. (I came in my pants rolling on my bed tonight with Moño.) I look at the pictures of the girls that I’ve met on this trip, and they’re so friggin’ ugly compared with Toniça. Gary cuts me down for it but I feel I’d like to speed up my trip to Tierra Del Fuego and get back in November. I hope I still have her love and I hope it’s not too late. Yeh, it’s turning out that no one even compares to her in my mind – if she’s taken, I’ll be sad but I won’t blame her.

July 31, 1979
Huaraz, Peru
I’m still stick and feeling awful. I hope Toniça isn’t angry that I didn’t call her back – I tried but it just didn’t work out and I hope she doesn’t think I abandoned her. I was feeling very ill all day and it wasn’t until bedtime that I started feeling better. I just read and slept and of course the Entero-Sediv worked like a charm – a one day cure. In the evening, Gary and I argued for hours but it was just to pass the time and for fun. It was really a lot of fun. Thank God, ‘cause it’s so boring to be here sick with nothing to do. We talked ‘bout the trip and about girls and about Mimi and Toniça. I’ve pretty much decided to be home about February 10th, 1980. I told Toniça I’d be home in November. How do I explain all this away? Once we get traveling hard I know I won’t worry about home so much. I just re-read some excerpts in this diary from the days before I left and I was planning on being gone a year – so that’s how it’s gonna be – around a year. But I want to get going.

August 1, 1979
Lima, Peru
Wednesday – Woke up today feeling a little better but still weak and I decided to myself that I was not going on the hike and rather than be a coward about it I decided to straight-out and tell Gary, which got him pissed, but it was better in the long run because he ended up catching the 8:30pm bus with me to Lima, and I felt I had done the right thing. Huascaran at 22,205 ft. I can see from Huaraz along with the other peaks, and they are truly magnificent, so I’m glad I came here to at least see them. We took a sleeping pill each and slept mightily on the bus, arriving at about 4:30 a.m. in Lima Aug 2nd. I missed Toniça so much today I almost began crying and then I thought it was better to stop worrying ‘cause it does no good - that instead I’m going to speed the trip up to my own pace – hope Gary will come – ‘cause I’m a bit bored with Latin America anyway. I’m gonna try to have faith in my love, but in the meantime I’m going to have a good time.

August 2, 1979
Nazca, Peru
Thursday – I feel super-duper good tonight as I did all day. Slept in the Lima terminal and took a bus at 8:30 a.m. going to Nazca. I’m starting to love this ugly desert with its occasional tremendous sand dunes. We got to Nazca in the evening and got settled. It’s gonna be a an neat day tomorrow because we’re going to fly to the Nazca Lines – you know that Chariot of the Gods book about visitors from outer space? Well, these lines were part of the story. I’m totally psyched to fly over them. I’m totally committed to speeding up the trip and I’m pretty committed to being in Puerto Montt on Sep 13th instead of Oct 13th to catch the boat to T.D.F. (Tierra del Fuego). I feel a hell of a lot better about all and I am excited as hell about the up and coming days. Tomorrow’s gonna be bitchin’. The Chariot of the Gods - can hardly believe I’ll be on it!! Note: Take note Gary pines over Mimi and writes nice poems and endorsed it on … the Cloud - he cut it out with scissors. As a brother I gave him shit!

August 3, 1979
Nazca, Peru
Friday – We took the morning plane to see the Line of Nazca. They are, undoubtedly, the single most incredible (in the true sense of the word) thing I have ever seen in my life. We took pictures of the “astronaut,” the strange-shaped man, the Condor, the Spider, the Hummingbird, the Monkey and one of the strange-shaped triangular lines. Honestly, as they are only appreciable from the air, geometrically perfect, yet still incomprehensible in so many ways, I would not be surprised if they were somehow the charge of unearthly beings who came in space ships. Maria Reiche, the expert, for 25 years, dates the lines at 1000 B.C. I’ve never believed in anything like that before. After lunch, we went to the ruins near town. There’s broken pottery everywhere, so I inquired at a farmhouse nearby and they had some complete pottery very cheap, $4.50 being the most expensive. I was about to buy some, send it to Moño and have her forward it to the states but I changed my mind. We finally caught a truck out of town at about 11:30 p.m.

August 4, 1979
Arequipa, Peru
Saturday - On the ride a new song popped into my head called Give! Give! (Seventh Heaven)…
All the night of the 3rd we slept in the back of a truck to Arequipa upon 6 foot sacks of unspun wool. It was the most comfortable ride imaginable. In the morning, I woke up to see the ocean. All day we rode along the ocean, the weather being crystal clear with occasional patches of fog. The scenery was magnificent. We are in the Atacames desert. The farmer in Nazca told us yesterday that it hasn’t rained a drop in three years. Yet most mornings there’s a fog hanging over the coast, like in Lima. Oh, what a wonderful day! Cappa and I were in back of the truck, on top of all that wool, reading, sleeping, talking, joking. There were mountains and huge sand dunes that fell thousands of feet to the deep blue ocean crashing white against the rocks. In late afternoon, we turned inland, and by about 10 p.m., we had arrived in Arequipa. We stayed up until 4 a.m., drinking beer until 3 a.m. with a guy from Norway who took the exact same trip we are taking six years ago, starting with the U.S to Mexico.

August 5, 1979
Arequipa, Peru
Sunday - Today was another totally bitchin day! We got up late and had a totally bitchin lunch, leisurely, talked to Nils from Norway, said goodbye and then walked around beautiful, sunny Arequipa. This is the most beautiful city in Peru. We went to the (Monastery) Convent of Santa Catalina (the only one in the world with a citadel), which was really bitchin and then we took a walk through the sunny streets to the cemetery of Caimay. When we got back to our room about 5:15 p.m., we discovered thanks to Nil’s suggestion that to the Falkland Island costs only $42 round trip from Comodoro, Argentina – but you’ve got to buy your ticket in Buenos Aires, so we’re changing our itinerary to include Buenos Aires, and should be there in a month. Gary and I have been getting along great, laughing lot. Last night we saw “Tom Tregenza’s” look-alike, drunk-alike. Today we made rules about when we can say “Buck-Up-Buckaroo.” Life long competition on girls & travel.

August 6, 1979
Arequipa, Peru
Monday - I’ve been working on a new song called Give! Give! This period is sort of a musical revolution for me, and I like it. We cashed some checks and I had to sneak in line to get Pullman tickets to Puno for tonight ‘cause we were late and there was a big line. In the afternoon we went to see the movie Straw Dogs and I only went ‘cause Cappa almost begged me, and I’m sorry I did. It was awful. There was a pretty girl and she reminded me of Toniça and then she got raped and she liked it. I think about her enough without being prodded. I sent her a letter today. God, I hope I can be in love with her when I get back. We caught the train in the evening about 9 p.m. It was a real comfortable coach and a nice heated car; they even gave us blankets and I slept. Gary and I wrote a letter to Jeff and Tom before the train left. I am happy.

August 7, 1979
Puno, Peru to Copacabana, Lake Titicaca, Bolivia
Tuesday - The fun in traveling is in the traveling. I woke up to my first signs of Lake Titicaca at almost 14,000 feet. After an hour or so we pulled into Puno, which looked very boring. I was walking down the street alone and I heard, “Hey, Gringo,” and it was Debbie. Gary joined up with us and we went to the border town of Yunguyo, my last glimpse of Peru. We crossed into Bolivia and took a bus to the first Bolivian town, Copacabana. We had some fish from Lake Titicaca, talked in the evening. Debbie and I had our own room and retired together. The lake is very big and quite beautiful, a very dark blue. The first time Debbie and I made love it felt so good I couldn’t believe it. I came outside her and then kissed her “down there,” then after a time I got in her again and came rapidly. Then, before we slept, we made love after a little while longer for a third time, though it was so juicy down there I couldn’t feel as much as the first time. In the wee hours of the morning before dawn, I entered her from the back and we made love a fourth time.

August 8, 1979
La Paz, Bolivia
Wednesday - Debbie and I laid in bed late in the morning and then Debbie gave me a blow job then mounted me and I think she came for the first time since the first time we ever made love, though all that is only my conjecture and then I came. Sexually satisfied, the day begins. Today was a super-great day. We caught a cold-as-hell ride for 5 ½ hours for 85 cents from Copacabana to La Paz, Bolivia. The Altiplano was gorgeous in its barrenness. It was so majestic. The lake was spectacular. We took a ferry over part of it. The mountains over La Paz (one is over 23,000 feet) are spectacular. La Paz is in a bowl. I got in a little fight with the truck driver. Debbie, Gary came and some people 1 girl from Canada, one guy and one girl from England, traveled together today. The day was unbeatable. We got a hotel together, Debbie and I, and we made love one time real good, with all the trimmings. I feel amazingly happy and healthy. I feel invigorated, alive, free, love and happy. This is a great trip and hope it continues as such.

August 9, 1979
La Paz, Bolivia
Thursday - Tonight, as I write this, I must admit I feel a bit unsorted. The day began great. We got a Paraguayan visa, I got my clothes cleaned and I picked up my mail, three from Toniça, 2 from Renada, three from Connie, two from Clymer, one from Dad, Gram, Donna. The letters are what is the matter. I wished I’d never read them. Gary read Jeff’s letters and they bummed him out. So did they bum me out. Clymer and Hock seem to be successful but they seem to be aloof about it and that is a bummer. Toniça’s letters were the usual weird combination of Who Do You Think You’re Trying To Kid?, I Love You and This is What I Want In The Way Of Gifts. I can’t tell if she’s going to wait for me or not. Sometimes I’m sure she is, other times I feel like it’s gotten out of hand and it will get worse before I return. I hope everything will be O.K. Dad’s letter was depressing too, and I feel bad because Connie thinks I’m coming and I’m probably not. And Debbie had a shit-fit tonight because I wasn’t being affectionate. I feel great! It’s everyone else that feels shitty - so there!!!!

August 10, 1979
La Paz, Bolivia
Friday - Today was very enjoyable!! Gary and I took a bus out to the Valley of the Moon, which wasn’t very enjoyable and then had lunch. I was absolutely heartsick over Toniça and I was going to call her. Gary and I went to my room and I read him her recent letters to get his opinion and on reading them a lot they sounded a lot nicer than I originally thought, and Gary thought they were pretty nice, and it was his opinion that she’s not going to let me go and I shouldn’t worry about her taking me back or not but whether she’d give me my freedom later on. Of course, that’s just his opinion. But right now nothing would make me happier than to hear her say, “I want to love you forever,” and “don’t ever leave me again,” like she said in New Orleans. I wrote her a letter that I’d be back no later than December 25th and I plan to stick to it. I said I’d call her from Buenos Aires. Gary, Debbie and I went to dinner and then to a movie called Coma – it was fantastic. Deb and I went to bed when we got back, she and I made love real nice, fell asleep.

August 11, 1979
En route to Potosi, Bolivia
Saturday - This morning Debbie left before 6:30 a.m. to go back. Last night she said that she loved me and if I wanted to come see her in California I was welcome to send her a tape and to write. I said I’d do all of those things. We both, Gary and I, wrote a bunch of letters and mailed them, I told Connie I’m not coming. Then we had a long lunch and eventually caught the bus at 6:30 p.m. I feel great and we had a good conversation in the bus. As the night wore on I thought about Toniça more and more. The letters she sent were all right, what’s bothering me? My thoughts ranged from the fact that she loves me to the possibility that she is getting seduced at that very moment - and being as it is Saturday night, it could even be more possible. I feel so awful, like instead of being free I feel a prisoner – ever since I met her I have to be with her or I feel this way. I want to call, I want to go home immediately, and yes I want to go to Tierra Del Fuego. I‘m concerned maybe she doesn’t think of me half as much as I of her. Whenever I get her letters I have this attack. Will she be angry when I say I’m coming back in December?

August 12, 1979
Potosi, Bolivia
Sunday - I don’t know how a day that started out so bad could end up so good. We got off the bus and got a hotel and Gary slept. I couldn’t get Toniça off my mind. I went to try and call but her line was busy all morning, most likely her Mom home from work talking on the phone. Gary and I talked all day and I was planning on going home within a few days!!! Gary’s very smart. He’s made me feel that Toniça will wait for me, and he even lent bet me $10 that she’ll love me if I go back in December. Earlier today I never would have believed it, but now I’m almost sure it’s the truth. All of a sudden I feel confident. Even if Toniça has a boyfriend in December, she’ll drop him for me. Anyway, Gary doesn’t know if I’ll leave tomorrow for the States or not. But I’ve already decided tomorrow I head for Buenos Aires. I’ll be there in 3 days. From there to Comodoro Rivera – I’ll be there in seven days. Then to the Falklands. I’ll reach Tierra Del Fuego by plane in two and a half weeks. I love Toniça. I think she’ll wait for me.

August 13, 1979
Camargo, Bolivia
Monday - Had one of the best meals on the trip today. Steak.
Give! Give! My new song is good. Last night I got an idea for a new one called Your Love At The Night Club. After I buy my plane ticked for the Falklands and Tierra Del Fuego I’m going to call Toniça from Buenos Aires and see how she’s doing. We had a great lunch in Potosi and later on I tried to call Toniça but the international lines were closed. Gary gave me a bad time but agreed to come to Tierra Del Fuego with me. We went up on the hill by La Gavita and caught a ride to Tarija, which was not what we wanted but it was a start. The ride was uncomfortable, rough and cold, but the first part was very enjoyable. I had revelations in the night and bawled my eyes out. I thought how much I loved Toniça, that she needed me to love her, that I’d love her and marry her someday, that my father needed someone to love him as he was all alone in the world, really, etc. I cried. I thought I saw Gary with a tear in his eye before Camargo, as if he had detected my sobbing and it had made him think sentimental thoughts too.

August 14, 1979
Tarija, Bolivia
Tuesday - I’m writing this Tuesday night. I know that Toniça will make love to me and yet on the other hand I know that she’s already had it with me and that our relationship is over. For the last six days since I read her letters I have been in such turmoil that I scarcely know what to do or remember how to be happy. The morning scenery was astounding. Never have I seen such desolate scenery in my life. The ride got frustrating but about 2:15 p.m. we finally arrived in Tarija. Scarcely able to keep myself from calling Toniça, I got drunk and we met a guy from North Ireland. We bought bus tickets for Villazon tomorrow, had dinner. They went out to drink while I stayed here in the hotel. I feel like I’m almost losing my mind with grief – I hope this doesn’t signify the end of our love. Despite whatever the rest of the world says, thinks or does to me, Toniça is a special creature close to my heart. I could never hate her, or say something mean about her. What to do? I don’t feel like finishing the trip. I pray to God that whenever I come back that Toniça loves me still. I must go onward. Gary is starting to bother me because he doesn’t understand. Do I feel bad because I miss her or because I sense something’s wrong? And yet her letter say she loves me, etc.

August 15, 1979
Villazon, Bolivia
Wednesday - Dear Diary. Today was really stupendous. We went to the border by bus, bought sweaters and tried to cross the border but unfortunately there’s a new law that we (US citizens) need a visa, so we had to turn back. Because our bus had a one hour delay due to a flat tire it rendered us too late to cross today. We got our visa but then it was past six o’clock and we had to sleep in Bolivia one more night. We met a guy named Pete (who I always call Pat) in Tarija yesterday – like I said, he’s from North Ireland (Ulster). It’s extremely funny that right after we left Colombia, Pete arrived and stayed at the same hotel we did and he met Carlos, the Peruvian “fur smuggler.” Pete is very jovial and we’ve had many good laughs – some of which have been over Carlos. My mind is quite content, as inexplicably as it was sad, over Toniça now. I am not sure she’ll be there for me, but there is a possibility and with the right effort perhaps she’ll still be mine. I sure hope I love her and I sure hope she loves me. I am very, very happy and excited to be entering Argentina.

August 16, 1979
Jujuy, Argentina
Thursday - This morning we entered Argentina and discovered just how expensive it was. We tried to hitchhike, the three of us, but to no avail. So in the evening we caught an expensive bus to Jujuy. You know that awful feeling that you get when you feel you’re losing a girl? Well, I’m getting it now and ever since those letters in La Paz, I really can’t shake it. Now, I have felt this feeling with almost every girl I’ve ever had, at least once – seldom, I have lost – usually I get the girl back because I weather this moment. It’s so damn strange because although it’s really important for me to have Toniça’s love, it feels worse than it should. It’s so strange because I feel like I’m a prisoner instead of a foot-loose, fancy-free traveler. This may be hard to understand diary, but nevertheless, I should go back. There is no use traveling when it ceases to be rewarding, and now it seems like drudgery.

August 17, 1979
Tucuman, Argentina
Friday - We had poor luck most of the day with small rides, but we finally go a ride to Tucuman, where we slept in the park. I’m going to take the train and I’m going to fly back to Miami next month, I have decided. If Toniça doesn’t want me, I’ll decide what to do then. Perhaps I should start using Dyna-Psych regularly again. It’s a system that keeps me on the up and up. I am melancholy lately – ever since La Paz and Debbie. I can see now why men get married: to escape all the hassles that women cause. This whole situation is so funny because it feels like the reverse that I felt with Denise. Now I feel like Toniça could have that power over me and I keep thinking that I would like to marry her, when I‘m not really sure I really would like it. Obviously, I’ve lost my mind. I’m going to set about regaining my senses. I’ve had enough confusion in my life.

August 18, 1979
En route near Camargo, Argentina
I woke up today saying I’d meet Gary in Buenos Aires on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday at 10 a.m. at the mail house. I got a train ticket, then checked our plane flights ($400) then I called Toniça. Diary, I must be a genius (sarcastic). I spent $150 on the phone call and I feel sort of weird. She could barely believe I was returning and she said she loved me and wanted to be my girlfriend and me to be her boyfriend, but she said she didn’t want to make love (she said she’s too young) and that she’d probably date other guys. It told her I’d be home on September 10th. She said things had changed, but I’m happier now. Now at least I can figure things out. I hope her mother doesn’t throw me in jail! I’ve got to be careful. On the train to Buenos Aires I thought a lot and I told Gary what I had done (that is, that I called Toniça) and I think he was disgusted. I’m a little disgusted too. I had a restless sleep, but that was because the train was uncomfortable. This whole thing just isn’t fair.

August 19, 1979
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Sunday - I thought a lot on our way and had all but made up my mind that I am going to write to Toniça and tell her that our relationship is over. When we arrived in Buenos Aires we met a guy named Ernie who helped us get a hotel room, showed us around the town. We had dinner together too.

This town is utterly fantastic!! I’m so glad I came here. It is really stupendous!! It’s so beautiful, big, exciting, and colorful that I feel like a bon-vivant! I’m glad that I can say I’ve been here. It was really worth the trip. The steak dinner we had was excellent! It seemed like a lot of girls were looking at me too. I’m so happy! Gary, Pete and I have a room here with three beds. The first beds we’ve had in four nights! Everything seems different now and I wish I would’ve had the patience to call in Buenos Aires, because I would have been a lot happier and my call would have been so different! I wanted to go back, but I’m not sure I want to now! I’m really not worried anymore and I’m not really sad that I called because now I know a lot more. I’m going to wait to make my decision.

August 20, 1979
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Monday - What is the reason, please tell me - I feel great. I’m not even sure why, but I feel really great. I mean utterly fantastic. There was once a time in Mississippi that I suddenly stopped worrying about spending money - that was in 1978 - and I really haven’t had any money problems since then - now I have stopped worrying completely. We walked all over the city today. I ate like a king. Cappa asked a lady travel agent if he could “coher” a boat - which in other countries is all right, but here means “fuck” - so he actually asked if he could ‘fuck’ a boat! I ate two steak today! God, I am so happy to be here! I am so happy and I feel so free!!! I feel proud of myself. I look into the future and I see travel and success, a beautiful house, and a beautiful woman, kids when I’m older, a life of freedom and happiness and wealth. I’m very excited about music. Lots of new musical ideas are flowing through my mind and I’m trying to put them down and organize them as fast as I can. Ernie came over. He may leave his job and come to Ushuaia with us. We were all walking around after dinner. I criticized one of my songs. Gary said the next time I criticize one of my songs, he is going to hit me. He said my songs were good.

August 21, 1979
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Tuesday - Life is wonderful! O, so , gloriously wonderful ! I haven’t been so happy in years! Travel is the thing that keeps your spirit alive. How wise I was before this trip to say “this trip is just the thing to keep me from settling down too much.” There is too much to do - when I’m young - to settle down. It was our usual day today: eating, drinking. We saw a really great film called The China Syndrome (about nuclear power in California). Our plane tickets are confirmed, and we may fly to Tierra Del Fuego on Thursday. Ernie came over in the evening and he may come with us. We all went to dinner. I love “dulce de leche” for dessert! I didn’t finish my second order of it and snuck the remains home under my coat. Oh lord, I feel so free, at least! I have not yet decided, but I’ll probably send Toniça a letter telling her I changed her (Editors Note: probably meant “my”) mind - I’ll be back in December. I hope she still loves me. Life has become vibrant for me once more. Before I left, my dreams were becoming only shadows. I’m now alive, free, and powerful within myself. I realize now that I had to make that phone call. I had to relieve that burden of doubt. I hope the reader won’t think I’m an utter fool when I write - it may possibly have been the most well-spent $150 of my life.

August 22, 1979
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Wednesday - Today has been quiet - two good meals - I finished the rough, rough draft of Give! Give! after some hours of effort. I was quiet today a lot but when I was with Pete and Gary I was boisterous and we had a lot of laughs. Gary is starting to bother me a lot. I feel I’ve been manipulated to some extent - but mainly I feel like he’s watching over me and I feel the peer pressure about continuing with the trip. He is also making this whole thing about Toniça worse by reminding me of it when he wants to get a few digs in. History is repeating itself. He’s an asshole! Now I’m thinking of flying home again! We got our tickets for Tierra Del Fuego. We’ll be in the southernmost city in the world - Ushuaia by about Friday!!!!!!! What an accomplishment for me!!!!!! I’m considering starting up my old Dyna-Psych goals again since too much stuff is falling apart and it looks like time to start putting it together again. My songs (5) are good! If I can get them recorded! Dearest diary, I am really happy and I am relieved - but know this. I really don’t now what I’m going to do - I’m not afraid of losing Toniça - I’m partially at a loss for my feelings. Gary thinks I think of it a lot and I can feel it which magnifies it.

August 23, 1979
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Thursday - Today has been a wild day! We tried to sell our rings, but mine was only 18 karat bronze! We saw the new James Bond film and he went to Rio and I know that I had to go there because t it looked so beautiful!! Then we had dinner with three liters of wine. We rushed back to our hotel, met Ernie, we dashed off to the post office. I wrote off a hurried letter to Toniça saying I wasn’t coming back right away and that I loved her - they closed but some lady took the letter and said she’d mail it for me in the morning. We got to the airport and walked round half drunk and got on the plane. Then they cancelled the flight. We tried to get them to pay for a hotel, and when they wouldn’t. Peter spit on the counter and the police took him but Ernie went along and everything was OK after an hour. We caught a taxi and I ended up sleeping in the same bed, same room, same hotel I’d been in the last four nights. I feel great! I’ve chosen the middle road with Toniça, professing my total love, being friendly, but maintaining firmly on the course of my trip. I think everything is going to be great - I feel great about it !!!!!

August 24, 1979
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Friday - I woke up, wrote a more thorough letter to Toniça than I did last night and I went to and mailed it. I got such a rush when I had mailed it and the song “We’ve Only Just Begun … (To Live)” started going through my mind. I feel like about $150 million bucks!! I had a good lunch and generally took it easy. The flight was again cancelled but there was a day flight tomorrow and usually costs about $50 more but due to all the cancellation we were able to get booked for the 6:20 a.m. flight for the same price - leaving tomorrow morning!! This is going to be the last time I write about T for awhile. This is what I have to say. I didn’t do anything wrong - if she wants to turn her back on me, I shouldn’t feel guilty. I hope she loves me. I miss her. I won’t stop loving her just because of my doubts. I made my decision. I am going on with the trip. If I get her back, great - if I don’t, I’ll still live a great life - I hope she doesn’t hate me - I have to keep a stiff upper lip and go on as if it doesn’t bother me; it’s the only chance I have of success.

August 25, 1979
Tierra Del Fuego, Rio Grande, Argentina
Patagonia, Strait of Magellan
Saturday - This morning the plane took off. What a day!! The sunrise came as we landed in Bahia Blanca. We took off again and flew over Patagonia. The view of the black-brown landscape of Patagonia backed by a clear sky, with so many lakes and ponds on its virtually flat landscape was truly beautiful. We landed in Rio Gallegos for a few hours and it was extremely cold - ice on the ground. Shortly after, we took off from Rio Gallegos. We flew over the opening bay of the Strait of Magellan! What an important and famous spot. Landing finally in Rio Grande was like landing in the middle of nowhere! It was snow-covered and cold as hell! We drove into town on a truck that was being towed! We had lunch. Ernie’s so funny - he kept telling us he knew the mayor’s cousin - we tried to get a ride and them walked all over town checking out the “connections” with the mayor!! I finally said, “Let’s just get a hotel room.” So we did. Then Pat and I went to eat. I took a shower and then I went to sleep. Cold night!!!!!!! Jesus!!

August 26, 1979
Ushuaia, Argentina
Presenting: The Southernmost City In The World ****
The Southernmost Point of my Journey *****
Sunday (Gary- ’s rib/lungs have been hurting him since yesterday.) I woke up and ate and left by myself because it’s too hard to hitch with four people. I caught a bus to Ushuaia. The ride was really great. Feeling like a million bucks!! Guess what. They didn’t make me pay for the bus! What a great stroke of luck! Got to town, immediately found a cheap hotel, met a bunch of guys in my hotel, then played the guitar and now I’m writing this. Boy, am I sure happy to be here. I’m healthy as a horse. Ushuaia is tremendously pretty. Well, folks, from here it’s north- north-north. I finally made it to Ushuaia - it’s been nearly six months. I’d like to thank myself for bringing me here - it’s been worth every effort, hassle, tear and dollar. I really feel like I’ve accomplished something. From here I want to plan my future, write letter to all; my northward trip should take from here to New Orleans - anywhere from 3 weeks to about 3 months. I have a bit over $1100 . It cost me $1800 to get here!! It’s so beautiful. I am really happy. Trying to go ski tomorrow!!!

Memo
Well, now arrived, I feel great, like a million bucks. I arrived today and I am really looking forward to the future months of the trip and what lies beyond. I am going to tell Gary I want to travel alone on the long way back home. Traveling alone I am much happier. I think that’s what traveling is all about. Every time I leave Gary I feel a lot better, so it’s off to travel by myself. I feel confident about the home situation. I feel I can weather it and be victorious in the end. I’m planning on being in Venezuela in about 1 ½ months spending 1 month in the Caribbean, and another 2 weeks in Florida. When I get back I plan to record my songs, get some musicians together, maybe get a job and go to school. Next year is my year for love and I plan to do a bob job of getting the year full of love. The rest of this trip is going to be great, I know. I’m going to have the best time because I will it!! I came here alone.

August 27, 1979
Ushuaia, Argentina
Presenting: The Southernmost City In The World ****
The Southernmost Point of my Journey *****
Monday - Things are just simply fantastic!! Today was the best day I’ve had in years. I got up and went skiing for two hours, came back to my hotel, had lunch, talked with a bunch of people. (Gary arrived - lungs still hurting.) At 7 p.m. I was down on the dock as scheduled. (Last night I arranged to get a free Tierra Del Fuego king crab from a fisherman.) I saw their daily catch, had coffee with Oracio on the boat, then he gave two big king crabs. One’s about two and a half feet in width, arm’s extended. On the way back to the hotel, I met Gary. We had a long talk in which I told him that from here north I’d like to travel by myself and he agreed. Finally, I explained to him all my thoughts. So that is settled!!
After he left, I went upstairs, worked on my songs and then I went to sleep. Tomorrow, the man in the restaurant downstairs said he’ll cook my crab and I can feast out on those beauties! I think I’m going to buy some boots when I get back to Buenos Aires. I came to the conclusion tonight that the only thing wrong with my songs is that they end. I feel so good. I’m having such a winning effect on people.

August 28, 1979
Ushuaia, Argentina
Presenting: The Southernmost City In The World ****
The Southernmost Point of my Journey *****
Tuesday - (Excepting for the fact that Gary and I got in a fight, today I had a really good day!) You wouldn’t believe it, my luck is so incredible!! I began the day eating a repast of king crab - it was delicious and there was so much meat I couldn’t eat it all!!! Then I went skiing for two hours. I absolutely love to ski. It only costs about $2.70 an hour for lift and rental, even sometimes they charge me less because I know them, so I figure this is an opportunity to improve my skiing have fun, and I’m taking advantage of it. I went by the Hotel Beagle Channel to meet some friends in the evening, and they work at night also on the ski lift, so we all went night skiing. It was really beautiful and a lot of fun. We were dropped off to the hotel on the way back, but Douglas said, “Why not come in?” So I went along to the restaurant. Some guy I don’t even know invited everyone to an $8 buffet. So I had a bunch of hors d’oeuvres and a quiche, then soup, then a fileted fish, all with wine, then dessert, then a scotch on the rocks, then coffee, all with cigarettes, fine company and a taxi home too!!

August 29, 1979
Ushuaia, Argentina
Presenting: The Southernmost City In The World ****
The Southernmost Point of my Journey *****
Wednesday - I am quite uncertain as to what I will be doing in a month. But just for my peace of mind, I write now that (unless something drastic happens) in one month, by Sep 28th, I will probably be much more sure, more happy and someplace far from here. In short, I’m confident things will work themselves out. I know what my problem has been lately. I have been going through a god-damned age crisis! I keep limiting myself mentally because I keep reminding myself mentally that I’m 24 years old an so I can’t be “so irresponsible.” Fuck that!! From now on, I’m going to pretend I’m 19 years old - for the next year. I can’t let a dumb thing like “age” fuck up my life!!!!! At this point, it’s still obvious I’ve lost my mind. Today I didn’t do much. I mailed letters to my family and went out with Gary in the evening. We had a long talk, said we’d meet in Punta Arenas or Puerto Montt and we parted company (as best friends). I’ve lost my mind because I’m trying to hold on to the things I feel I’m losing and I can’t cope with it. The pain is too great, so I’m trying to deceive myself into thinking everything’s O.K when it’s not - and yet I’m not even sure I really want the things I’m losing. I’m acting like 19, that’s for sure. No. I’m 24. I’ve got to grow up.

August 30, 1979
Rio Grande, Argentina
THURSDAY - ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST. I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I CAN’T PUT UP WITH IT ANYMORE. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO! No matter what goals or dreams I may ever have, I feel utmost at any time I should have the right within myself for the pursuit of my own happiness - however I feel at the time it should be pursued.

Wrapped in a wool blanket (provided by the collectivo), a bright and troubled young man up the road in a warm bus. He was on his way to Rio Grande. A man bought him coffee at Lago Fagnano, and afterwards he fell into a long sleep, waking in Rio Grande. The young man left Ushuaia, the world’s southernmost city, at 7 p.m., and got to Rio Grande at 12 midnight, at the airport, with a plane ticket to Buenos Aires.

I debated, and feeling that it would be better, I took the plane and landed in Buenos Aires at about 6 a.m. From there, I took a bus to the center of town and got a hotel and got to sleep at about 7:30 a.m. I really need to be loved.

August 31, 1979
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Friday - Buenos Aires is a magical place today. O.K. I woke up and had lunch. Then I went to a travel agent and I bought a ticket from here to Rio de Janeiro and from Rio to Miami, Florida! I leave tomorrow from here and my Rio-Miami flight is scheduled for next Saturday, but I could change it if I wanted. I got my Brazilian visa and picked up two letters, one from Connie saying she was disappointed I wasn’t coming - and a great one from Tom saying good wishes. I went running and I sent Toniça an express letter saying when I’d be back. I had a great dinner of a bid thick steak and raviolis and dulce de leche and then chocolate mousse; then I went to see Heaven Can Wait - which was very good. I came back to the room and wrote a song out of the lyrics Tom sent me - it’s nice. Well, now, I feel really, really great. I don’t feel crazy anymore and I feel like my normal self again, which has been escaping me for some three weeks now. I’m really happy to be going to Rio and excited as hell by the prospects of music and love in New Orleans.

September 1, 1979
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Today was of course incredible. I woke up, gathered my things, was riding I the bus, but I wasn’t going to make it in time, then a girl offered to split a cab, so we went together. The cab driver tried to rip us, she (the girl) paid 2/3rds of the bill of $25, I got on the plane, we landed in Sao Paulo, then at around 6 p.m. we landed in Rio De Janeiro. I caught a bus to town and a 6′5″ Brazilian guy helped me to find a hotel. I got a great apartment, with balcony and private bathroom for about $8.50. Rio is absolutely incredible!! I wish we would’ve come this way first. It’s the most exciting city I’ve ever been in my life. It’s so alive and beautiful. There’s a definite air of romance. Now I know that everyone’s been taking about! I’m (not true) probably the only guy in the world that can be so happy and at the same time be spending money too fast. I’ve seldom blown money my whole life, and I’ve got to be more practical. In the evening I just walked around outside and played the guitar in my room. There’re lovers all around and it does my heart good to be in such a romantic spot after the rest of South America.

September 2, 1979
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Sunday - What I want. I thought today and I more or less decided that I want a nice big house and the luxuries of a kind and a respectable career, and a lovely wife and kids. What my career should be. I thought of today and more or less decided I would go back, work, save, finish my math degree, enroll in an MBA program and then get a good job in International Business.

Today was like the best day of my life; activities-wise, what I did outside my room was take a bus to Ipanema Beach from where I walked about five miles, it seemed anyway - all along Ipanema across to Copacabana, and all along Copacabana and much past it and then I caught a bus. I’m staying in the “Gloria” part of the city. Inside my room I did a lot of guitar playing. I can scarcely describe my experience, spiritually and mentally - I was admiring the beauty of Ipanema and the waters and I felt so happy because I’m here, because I’ve been fortunate enough to come here, because I’m healthy, etc. It is like twice as beautiful as Paris here. Since I am really totally blown away by the beauty and life here in Rio, the thought crossed my mind today many times how I’d love to live in a place like this - the people are so lively and sexy, the women so attractive!! I did so much thinking and I’m so proud of myself because I’m being so logical and I see that I’ve really got few problems right now. Musically, I’ve discovered something which, to me, is exciting. (My songwriting has been so confused and I believe I have a clue out of the confusion. A few quick marks which perhaps only I comprehend the significance of. 1) The Beatles used and I think introduced this style 3 verses, 1 chorus, and 1 interlude used as follows : 2 verses, 1 chorus, 3rd verse, 1 chorus, interlude, 1 verse, end. OK. Check. 2) Dance Heaven is the only song which escapes my scrutiny. It is ridiculously simple and the breakdown goes like this 4 verses, 1 chorus, 2 interludes, used as follows 2 verse, 1 chorus, 2 verses (3rd and 4th) 1 chorus, 1st interlude, chorus, 2nd interlude, 2 1st verses, chorus, chorus, end. OK. Check. 3)I changed I Love You Through And Through to fit this and it works perfectly, so I think I have my format, 4) some interesting minor points a) the first interlude closely relates to the previous music - the second differs somewhat slightly b) It seems with both songs the 1st interlude which shall be an instrumental was actually the original melody which the song began and the 2nd was a secondary melody of the rough draft, c)…. Do you know that in Portuguese they sound like they speak backwards? It’s the strangest language.

September 3, 1979
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
What my career should be… I thought of today and more or less decided I should go back, work, save, finish my Math degree, enroll in an M.B.A. program and get a good job in International business…

Monday - Activities today weren’t much. I found out I can fly to Manaus- Caracas – Curacao –Jamaica – Miami for the same price as a direct to Miami so that I may spend one more week traveling if I can get the fights confirmed - my other activities were small and trifling. My foot hurts me very badly. I don’t know why. It stifled my adventurous spirit a little today. Played the guitar - brought my clothes to get cleaned - not much else. So I’ll talk about my thoughts. I can’t talk to a soul here, so I think. I’m in fine spirits but my soul or whatever you want to call it is unhappy. Deep within me, I’m so lonely and confused. I feel I’m such a drifter and it has no purpose - in some ways I want to get married and get a Master’s in Business and go into the work-a-day world - if the goddamned music wasn’t in my blood I think I could easily do it. I miss Toniça so bad and I think I’d do anything to have her love and the security she gave me before. Diary, I’ve spent too many lonely nights and wasted too much time idly thinking - I’ve got to get on the ball. I want to feel proud and happy.

September 4, 1979
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Tuesday
What to try to do about Tonica and what I decided I won’t even write down because it’s just something that I want and I’m too afraid I won’t get it.

In so many ways today was really exceptional. I got up early and had the free breakfast this hotel supplies. I sure got a nice room. An Englishman told me to walk up this street, which the hotel (Hotel Alameda) is on (Rua Candido Mendes), so I did and it was a great long walk. My foot’s not bothering me so much now and surprisingly, this street starts near my hotel and winds miles back to the famous statue of Christ, Corcovado. So I walked all the way and I took a picture. The walk was lovely. Then I walked down to Botafogo Beach, checked out the tram, walked back and caught a bus. I picked up my clean clothes, bought some shoes, showered, played the guitar, dressed. Boy, I looked and felt like a million bucks, went out, had dinner, had two steaks and since I haven’t been drinking, I got high and went back to my hotel, wrote lyrics, played the guitar, then went to sleep. Most of the day I thought of Toniça, and how she said things had changed, and how heartbroken I am, truly. I really hope I don’t get thrown in jail on my return. I swear I hardly know what’s wrong with me, for the first time in my life I don’t really want to go out and pick up girls, and it’s not because I don’t see enough that I’m attracted to, because Rio is loaded with pretty girls. I’ve seen some really dynamic bodies.

September 5, 1979
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Wednesday - If you don’t do something right now you can never expect to do it again. My voice sounds so strong and just a little raspy and it feels so capable right now. Playing the guitar was such a blast. Today I was so hot, I could hit A’s with my voice and keep my body into it though it was only a yell.

Morning: It’s raining - the weather is a shame. And my foot’s sore again from yesterday. So my plans are going to have to wait a bit. When I think of what I did with Debbie it almost sickens me. (Read between the lines: today was filled with the joyous spirit of living - joie de vivre - so the French say - everything just seemed right today.) Why do I feel that way? It’s cuz she’s so ugly and burnt out, and the whole time I might have been losing someone so sweet and cute. I dare not even hope for someone I want too much. Well, I’m not lamenting too much because I think God had blessed me with sufficient - and incredible amount - of good luck. I’ve led a really lucky life so far and I think one of my strong points is to realize my mistakes usually before it’s too late and correct my way. Keep my fingers crossed. Evening: I’m flying back Saturday ’cause I can’t get flights back to Manaus or Caracas for weeks. But I’m overjoyed. I’m hot on the guitar today! Woh! Played a lot today. I’d like to say one thing - I’ve learned that if you’re going to end up doing something later, you might as well do it now. This can be a time-money-worry saver. I think if Toniça was sitting there with new boyfriend Joe Studley and with a policeman to escort me to jail I’d still be happy to see her. I’m expecting her to be a shit-ass but she’s my favorite shit-ass in the whole world. Boy did my voice open. I started singing in the rain.

September 6, 1979
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Thursday - When my body’s (head’s) tilted slightly back, I sing a hell of a lot better. It feels right singing when my throat feels jammed up near my mouth.
It’s really a heartbreaker that I’m giving up trying for music ’cause I’ll tell you – I know deep inside that I’m really (en serio) great, no joke. I had tickets to see Julian Bream - an excellent guitarist tonight, but the night was so balmy, the sky cleared, the moon rose above Sugarloaf - that was full, round-yellow-white. The prettiest moon I ever saw. So I returned the tickets ‘cause I wanted to be outside. I must say here that I have no plans when I get back to the States. I plan only to let my actions say what I’m doing. Rode the James Bond tram today up to Sugarloaf - it was overcast but still what a view! Mailed bunch of letters and took a whole roll of film. Walked and rode around a lot as usual. My feet at this point are absolutely killing me!! The sun was out for a little while today. Gee, diary. I think I’ve got to admit that I’ve made a mistake by going back so early - but well, I just couldn’t stand being away any longer. I’ll probably lost my $411 tax return if I work - financially it doesn’t make sense, but my heart was longing too much. It’s just one of those things and I have all but accepted the fact that I’ve probably lost the thing I long for, so why go back? I can’t figure it out. It’s just something that I want to do. If I go to jail I’ll really be in trouble. If I can just stay free things will never be that bad.

September 7, 1979
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
Friday – I don’t know if you noticed, diary, but one of the things I’m really tired of is talking to you, other people and myself about what I say I’m going to do – I just feel like letting my actions speak. I seem to have a course that, a lot, if I say, I don’t do. For all the great stuff this is the best year of my life so far. I just hope it keeps up when I go back. I’m not sayin’ nuthin’ cause I don’t have much to say. All I want to do is hold! Today so far, has been the best day of my life! I realize this trip has been a success, I saw there hang gliders, 15 at a time in the air from there peaks – looked like Half-Dome. Rio’s like Yosemite on the ocean! From Gavea Beach – my left foot has had it! I walked from Leblon Beach to Barra Da Tijuca where from a point I sat and looked out on Barra de Tijuca, the longest beach in Rio. Rio really is the greatest. I envy myself for being here but I’m so excited about going tomorrow. I hope someday I can and do return. I again walked (too) much today. Today was really sunny and clear, stupendous!! Half-crocked I return to my room – Two beers I drank on Ipanema and another, 1 more at home. THE GIRLSS FROM IPANEMA are so sexy. I want to cry cuz I didn’t get one.

September 8, 1979
Morning, Day, Evening: Rio De Janeiro, Brasil
Midnight: Atmosphere of Earth
Saturday – I woke up my last morning in Rio and finally find … a radio next to my bed,… switch it on George Benson, Bob ___, Brazilian radio! Oh how lovely the girls are here. I’ve fallen … sight 100 times in a week. And Rio does something, it moves me… like I’ve lived here before: Deja-Vu!! I must mention = people are kissing all over this place! There’re so many lovers here!! Oh, I swear, I got the Brasilierra in my blood! Woo! So, my last day in Rio, I drank… laid in the sun on Ipanema Beach. It was lovely. .. It has worked its magic on me, for I feel so vital… my waning spirit once more strong. Odds are very strange that I talked with a Brazilian guy today who got his MBA at Tulane in New Orleans and is now back living in Rio making $1800 a month as a trainee, having a great time, of course. It’s so strange, all I needed was that little push, and now I pray to God that I may be lucky enough to stay free and fit to finish college and get an MBA. I want to go to school so badly!! Well, I barely made my plane. As I sat down I heard English – Oh! It’s music to my ears to hear it again.

September 9, 1979
Miami, Florida
Sunday – It’s 7:45 a.m. now here in Miami. I’m so tired because I didn’t sleep last night. I bumped into Don Rainey’s old girlfriend Selene today. Boy is she ever a fox! Her plane was late so we spent most of the afternoon together talking until her plane left. She was real nice and it was interesting hearing about how Don proposed and all the problems they had after that and how they’re just friends now. It was interesting because I made mental notes of a lot of the (what Jack Harpster would call) “cheap shit” that Don pulled and I made a note myself that I didn’t ever want to pull that shit with Toniça and make the same mistakes. I caught my plane – (I talked to Don and Lee on the phone) at 9 and arrived in New Orleans – touchdown at 10:04 p.m., thus ending my trip of 6 months 5 days. I’ll tell you it felt good to be here. Toniça’s mother didn’t know it was me and she hung up on me. Jeff’s number was out of order but I finally got a taxi and I met Jeff and then later Tom, and it was great to see them. Tom and I got drunk and I slept at their house.

September 10, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Monday – Quickly, my activities today were going to UNO to find out that I’m two weeks late to apply so I have to wait till January, but I found out I can get an MBA in 3 to 4 years and I feel I intend to do this.
Work till Jan and save. I had dinner with Tom and I drove a bicycle to Wendy’s by Tonica’s house at about 9:30 p.m. I called and she said, “Wendy’s - by my house?” ‘Yeah.’ “Can you come see me?” and I said, “I’d love to,” and then I went over and I’m telling you the sight of seeing her – she threw her arms around me and kissed me right on the lips and I was so touched and happy and she looked so pretty – Oh, I swear she’s so pretty! And her friend came over to meet me (Denise). Renada was there. After Denise left Renada slept and Tonica and I laid on her bed and kissed and cuddled till nearly 4 a.m. and I left and said I’d call tomorrow night and we said we loved each other. There was so much I didn’t say but many times my eyes watered and I never, ever, ever loved anybody like I love Tonica and I was so sad and happy she was so sweet to me and we laughed a lot.

September 11, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Tuesday – I been crying a lot lately cuz I think (and feel) I finally found what I want in life and I don’t know if I can ever hope to get it and I don’t know if I ever wanted anything so much; Toniça! I tried to buy a ten-speed today, but again no luck, but I put a down payment on one, only before I got home I looked at a motorcycle of a boy near where I’m staying and I decided to but that instead for $3000 (the bicycle was $175). I rode John’s bicycle up to Toniça’s tonight. When I called from across the street her friend Denise was over there and Toniça seemed a little aloof, but I went over anyway, weathered a few hours of their joint, girlish, aloof company – I behaved – Denise left. Toniça and I were alone in her room. I cried in her arms for along time and told her all my problems, told her I needed her (and she said she needed me too!). She was pretty sweet to me – I was so depressed – I cried a lot because I just couldn’t help it. After I felt better. I gave her the gifts I had with me – talked to Dad on the phone. He said, “Well, Jeff, I think she’s got you.”

September 12, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Wednesday – was really marvelous. I got my hair cut at Cutting Corner and Tonica’s friend Denis was there, so we went over and visited Tonica. Again, a bit distant. Denise asked me when we were alone if I was planning on going back to California soon? I said No. She said Why and I said (sidestepping) because for one thing UNO has a good business school. It made me feel bad, like it was a way of saying I might as well forget Tonica. I remained cool. Went home. The hurricane Frederick was supposed to hit but took a turn and went to Mississippi. Two guys tried to sell me stolen stereo speakers. They had a gun. After I saw their van surrounded by police cars. Busted. I bought my motorcycle. In the evening, I just went over to T’s house. Her Mom was there!! She was real sweet and made me feel welcome and like part of the family. And Tonica. She was so sweet tonight. Oh lord – she looks so (underscore 20 times!) good. She said her and Denise are going to California in Xmas and can I come? I don’t think her Mom will let her but I’d love for my family to meet her. I asked her and she said she wants to stay in N.O., that she’s not planning on dropping me - it seemed to make her feel more secure that her Mom and me got on so good. We laughed the whole night away. Oh so good, like old times. I love Tonica. What to do. Maybe she’d never say Yes, but I think I’d marry her.

September 13, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Thursday – Today, weather-wise, was beautiful. I drove out to Avondale and they said they were hiring and to come back tomorrow. I drove out to UNO and got an application for a federal grant. I drove all around. It’s sure nice having this motorbike. I forgot to mention that last night Tom and me and the drummer jammed together and it sounded great – the room was full of neighborhood kids. I know everyone was impressed. So today my voice is thrown out a bit. Tonight with Toniça was really awful, so I feel it’s time to be patient. I went over at 11 p.m. and she was on the phone with Denise from when I got there till 12:15 p.m. and afterwards she wasn’t being sweet – not to mention she planned on the phone to drive up to Shreveport to see some guy friends with Denise. What to do? So we laid down on the bed and I cried some more, asked her to listen, and she was sweet again and consoled me. I said, “Love you forever,” and she said, “love you forever” to me. And then she kissed me for a long time and my body against hers began to warm. Her hand started going down my rear but she caught herself and stopped. But she was holding me. I asked if she wanted me to call her Sunday when she got back and she said, “Yes.” I talked a long time about how beautiful it was for me before and she said, “For me too.” I hurt but, well, I still haven’t mentioned sex yet. I’m biding my time.

September 14, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Friday – It’s 9 p.m. and I’m tired. I went to Avondale and they re-hired me at $6.73 and hour. I start Monday morning. I spent my day getting processed for work. Tom asked me in the evening if I’d like to start a group with him. Apparently, John the drummer, was sufficiently impressed to say if Wizard ever broke up that he would want to be in a group with Tom and I. Tonica was supposed to be gone this evening with her friend, but on a hunch that her mother would say, “No,” I went over at 8:30 p.m. Tonica was there. She was disgusted that her Mom said, “No.” She was getting ready to go out with Denise when I got there. I asked if she wanted me to call tomorrow in case she didn’t go and she said, “Yes.” I asked if she still loved me and she said, “Yes” – but she is out in space – so aloof at times. I figured this first week would be tough, second week worse and third perhaps the week where things would break for better or perhaps for worse. Oh, you can bet that I’m going to do my best. Soon I will make my argument for making love together but I’ve go to go slow, sure, patient, thoughtful, wary. I think I’ll get my own apartment in October – alone. It’s so hard to need love and not get it.

September 15, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Saturday – Great! Great! Great! Today was pretty good. I bought parts and some guys helped me tune-up my bike. I saw Toniça in the morning and I saw her in the evening before she went out with her friend Denise. I asked her if she wanted to keep me and she said, “Of course I do.” Things seemed really nice with Toniça today. She was aloof in some ways but the more I remind her that she’s being aloof the more she becomes sweet and receptive. She’s got such a way to be sweet that it overrides the times she’s a bitch – she’s never really a bitch – she just borders on it – but the fact that she can be sweet with a bit of prodding at all times makes it OK. She was a pretty good kid today and has left me happy on my way home. But what am I going to do? Until some time passes I’m going to be physically and emotionally frustrated to some extent. Time and care will heal my wounds. I’ve got to remember that sometimes when you’re in a situation it’s hard to remember that it’s temporary. Things will soon change – where I’m living, my lack of love, etc, my finances. I hope it’s for the better.

September 16, 1979
New Orleans, USA
The first week is about half as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Sunday – Today end my first week back in New Orleans and the United States. I’ve got my old job back, found out I can get an MBA in 3 ½ years or less, am living with my old friends, am seeing my old girlfriend. Things aren’t as bad or hard my first week as I thought they were going to be. I saw Tonica from 2 p.m. till 9:30 p.m. and for the most part she was a sweet kid. In answer to my myriad of questions she said that I am No. 1 in her love life right now, she wants to keep me, she wants me to love her, etc., but I’m still concerned. Trying to handle it point by point. First point. She denies saying, “Things have changed.” Point 2 – when questioned about her ‘not seeing me all the time’ when I reminded her how it was like that before – I never kept her from going out, she had to relinquish that point. Next points are which I have left are 3 – dating other guys (since I’m No. 1 and she says she doesn’t date much I drop that point). Pt. 4 – doesn’t want to make love – too young – I’ll ask her about that tomorrow night. That’s the only objection standing in the way of what I want – a big one.)

September 17, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Monday – Well, well. Toniça meant it when she said she didn’t want to make love. Boy! I asked her and she said she didn’t intend to make love with anyone for a while. She said she doesn’t make love to anyone and she said it very emphatically. It was so weird … before I began to speak she was laughing at me right in my face. I was so hurt. Oh, and she says she still loves me, etc., wants me to call tomorrow. I worked for the first time in over six months today and it went well, wasn’t hard. I’m glad I’m working and making money with my spare time. The more I can stick it out the better off I’ll be. I stayed at Toniça’s till 2:30 a.m. You know I’m very scared of my motorcycle – it’s very dangerous riding a bike. “C’mon life don’t hold out on me, you know you promised me everything.” I’m an active person with an active mind. If I don’t get in an accident (I probably won’t go on another trip for 4 years), I expect to build myself a private dynasty in my next 4 years in the USA.

September 18, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Tuesday – My motorbike wouldn’t start today – on top of only 3 hours sleep – so I didn’t work but I called in before 7 a.m., so there’s no problem about losing my job. Cashed my tax return so I’ve about $550 in the bank. I’ve been getting sloppy about my personal affairs and it’s time to buckle down and get organized. I’ve got four years before I even have to start planning for Africa, so I have four years here in the USA to work and play. I should be able to gain a lot in that time. Saw Tonica for a bit tonight. I’m barely holding on and this is week every bit as bad so far as I expected it to be, but I am holding on. It takes all my will to keep from complaining to Tonica … you can imagine after six months without her, not being able to have her, ooh!, what a man I’ll have to be to take it. But I am holding on, weather it, barely, that I am.

September 19, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Wednesday – Worked today. It’s 5:30 a.m. when I awake and 5:30 p.m. when I get home, but the rest of the time is mine. So I rested when I got home while WIZARD, the band Tom’s in, practiced – they’re quite good… missing focus though. I am getting on my feet emotionally. I enjoy the challenges I’m facing… winning love, finding happiness, gaining success and comfort; I hope God is smiling on me… my spirit is awakening. As ever, I am still full of it… spirit, that is!!! I tried calling Toniça tonight but she wasn’t there. Oh, it’s so clear, diary, you’ve seen it coming for the longest time. You can tell when it’s over. First I start really missing her, then wanting to marry her, it’s all irrational behavior, that’s when you can tell, when you start wanting her beyond reason. I knew it, I knew before I returned; not to be heavy, but my dream in Cuzco – I was the butterfly. I made this happen. I left. I’m so lucky to have loved someone with such a nice body! Night!

September 20, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Thursday – Worked today and also went back at midnight (starting Friday off with 9 hours of work). I thought a lot during the day about Tonica. In the evening I called her and went over with the intention of forcing myself to be an attentive listener to her, because I’ve been talking too much and not listening enough to her. Funny, that was one of my biggest secrets with her before. So it was a sweet visit. She was sweet to me, didn’t say nothing bad, kissed me, held me. She said she was going uptown tomorrow night and I asked her out for Saturday and she said she might go to Baton Rouge, so I didn’t push it. When I said goodnight, she walked me outside and I didn’t ask her if and when I should call her, I just kissed her and left and thought I’d call Sunday afternoon when her busy weekend was over!! Then I drove to work. I felt real good that I had been so collected for the first time since I’ve been back.

September 21, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Friday – Work from midnight to 9 a.m. was hell for a lot of reason, but when I got off it was such a nice day, clear skies. I drove home and slept till 4:30pm, got up, ate, and went to a party with Tom and John at Dominican Girls College, cause John was renting Tom’s PA to them. I don’t know why I’m so hot with girls. I went and saw a girl and I knew she liked me and I ended up making out with her kissing on a bench. The party was so much fun!! We had free drinks so I drank a bunch of Piña Coladas, and the night was warm and absolutely beautiful. It was a huge Hawaiian Luau outside and we supplied the music. The girl I met, Diane Peterson, brought down some good records so we all rocked out. There’s a big ole Southern mansion on the grounds. Tom and John left without me so Diane said I could sleep on her floor. She’s got a roommate (female.)

September 22, 1979
New Orleans, USA
I don’t think I’m gonna be sad. I feel too god and I think I know where I’m going and when.
Saturday – Today has been great, making this weekend really great so far. I had a really fun time last night and today was stupendous. Boy, I’m feeling good! I work up at Diane’s room at the dormitory. We spent the morning together. She played me some New Wave records. I really liked them a lot. We kissed. She said she had to go to sleep early tonight ‘cause she’s sailing tomorrow. I took buses back to Kenner and saw Jeff and took my motorcycle for an all day spin. It’s such a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky and it’s hot. I went everywhere on my bike. It was outasight!! I went to La Place about 25 miles east of New Orleans and then went to the Zoo and then the French Quarter. In the evening, I returned. That motorbike runs really good. Tom and I sang for awhile. It was great fun! Now I’m writing. (Had a steak dinner too) I’m seriously considering settling down in California for good now. I would like to go back to school, be in a band with Tom. If I could I’d marry Tonica and bring her along. I feel confident now. There’s no pain – only happiness – it comes from my confidence does that happiness. Love Teets.

September 23, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Sunday – I’m writing this on Wednesday; Sunday I tried to see Toniça, but her Mom was in a bad mood or something so we talked on the phone for quite a while. It was a delightful conversation, but it’s so sad when I have to say goodbye. Whenever I’m with her I’m at least partially happy. Dear diary, what to do? Well, I spent today riding my motorbike in the sun; it was very nice. After a day of riding I feel whole. The fresh air riding over my body refreshes me. Tomorrow I start back to work. Frankly, life is seeming empty without love. I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about love. Maybe that’s how Mother Nature works. After all, man feels lonely without woman (vice versa too) and so when they find each other, it fills up that emptiness. There’s got to be some light in the cloudy sky that hangs over me. There is always joy to be found in the world.

September 24, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Monday – Back to Avondale. I hardly work at all there, but still spending 11 or 12 hours a day from the time I get up till the time I leave is rather boring!! I saw Tonica tonight. I picked her up and we went by to visit Jeff at the house. Since Jeff decided today that he’s leaving Louisiana soon. After she and I went to her house and laid close together on the bed, talked, kissed. I meant to talk to her about things, but I never go to it. It was real nice being wit her. This is a real hard time for me. I can see some light. In a few weeks the house we’re staying in will be no longer available, so perhaps I can get an apartment, I’ll have my own room and I can live more peacefully and begin to regulate my life. Look, things are tough but I always manage to end up with a lover and friends and a reasonable existence. I hope dearly that when I get myself in a good situation again, I don’t throw it away.

September 25, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Tuesday – I worked all day as expected. I don’t recall exactly how the evening went but I don’t (I’m writing this five days later) believe I saw Toniça tonight. Jeff is trying to get me to go with him and Tom wants me to stay here with him. What to do? I’m holding on to Teets (Toniça). I told Gary that she could never hurt me. I hope this turns out to be true. I always try to explain things to myself – but I think life is not too simple or orderly that we can ever explain it logically. Why has what has happened happened? Who is to say? The important point is that it is happening. My whole life right now feels strangely out of my control. Perhaps that is why everything seems so hard. I feel that I just have to let time work out my course. Why does Toniça feel the way she does? What does she feel? Look at it this way. I had to come back sooner or later and I would’ve had to confront this situation. And I had to see South America.

September 26, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Wednesday - Tonight was fantastic. I talked to a black guy, Turner, at work, and the told me all this stuff about how Tonica was just holding back her love. So in the evening I thought, “I can’t stand to wait, I’m going with Jeff to Montreal. I’ll go tell Tonica.” Well, I never did get around to telling her. She started being sweet. We talked. She cried a tear and said, “I don’t wanna hurt you.” Then we began kissing and I got on top of her. We began it all over again. I put my hands on her tits and rubbed her crotch, grabbed her ass, humping through the clothing. “I love you.” “I love you.” We got hot and sweaty and then she got on top. Her eyes were so soft and sweet. /the feelings oozed out of her. Lord, I was so happy. The whole time I was asking myself – will you marry her? Then I thought, “Sure, of course, I will.” I asked if I could kiss her pussy and she said she didn’t want to, was I mad? I was too happy to be had. I didn’t leave until about 2 a.m. Well, I decided I’d probably stick around this time.

September 27, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Tonica told Renada (cuz Renada asked) that she’s never getting married and she’s said that to Denise once before. Thursday - I worked during the day and in the evening I went by Tonica’s. She was aloof again and this time there was no getting thru. I got exasperated – all you ladies men know that this is the wrong way to handle it. After, she told me that she didn’t want to have a boyfriend. (I knew why I had decided to write and say it’s over from Argentina. I felt like I’d have these problems.) Renada got pissed because I was ignoring her so she started screaming. Then she began saying that Tonica went out with this guy and another guy had asked her to the ring dance – blah, blah. I said to Tonica, “It’s alright. I know that experiences with another have made you forget me,” and she said, “Which one? Which one?” Tonica was pissed because Renada called and said that her Mom said Tonica could not go out of town this weekend. Tonica flew off the bed and her and Renada began to beat the shit out of each other. I stopped them. Then Renada came back in the room and began throwing stuff – a camera - a glass which shattered on the floor. Tonica came outside with me and was crying – said, “I hate this fuckin’ house” – we held one another and I let her know I’d be leaving her tomorrow. She wanted me to bring her by Denise’s but I said No. Can I ask a technical question? If I stayed and pursued her, could I win her back? We said how much we loved one another and it was sweet. She wanted to see me before I left but I hesitated. For the whole scene she had her face covered in tears. Not I.

September 28, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Friday – I worked and I got my first paycheck. I was almost thinking about leaving then staying and my mind vacillated to and fro. I was offered to work the night shift and I’d now be making $350 a week, so I thought I’d stay and work here in New Orleans. When I got off, Jeff and I took a walk and had a talk. Late in the evening I went and saw a band in Fat City. I called Lenora and she wants to see me - I could use some good sex! I went to bed really late. How things change so quickly! Two nights ago I felt like it was really going to be possible to be making love to Teets again and now it feels like it’s definitely over. I’m so sad. Oh, we can admit it – I’ll live. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t left her. She loved me. That’s for sure. I guess I just decided before I left, that as hard as it was to leave, that there was something in her that needed to be free, and in me too. I feel like meeting lots of girls again, but I’m a bit discouraged – will I ever find someone as pretty as her again? … to love me like that?

September 29, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Saturday – I have tentatively decided to re-activate Dyna-Pysch today for the purpose of keeping my spirit up. I feel so unhappy and I don’t know what to do. I need to be loved. I am happy on the outside, but occasionally thoughts of how Toniça has been untrue, and visions of her with other men bring me down. I just wish I knew the truth and I’ve missed out on the rest of South America, for this! Will I ever recover? As you can see, at this point I need something to revive my lagging spirit! This is what Cappa and I talked about. Will I be a broken man if I return? Well, under these circumstances I am crushed, but not broken. Today I took a ride to town with Jeff on my bike. We have all but decided to leave, but see, unfortunately or fortunately, my heart is still here. I am crushed now but I will recover and I will survive and be on top of things again. Life is too long to let any part of it or any year discourage you. I can’t stand the thought of Cappa telling me all about the Amazon. I’ve got to start getting excited about things again. Goals. Something to shoot for. How dramatic. I think Dyna-Pysch is in order. I went to sleep at about 5 p.m. this afternoon. [You’ll find my goals written on the 26th page in front.]

September 30, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Sunday – I began my new goals this morning. They’re a 1000 times less expectant than my old ones, but still something desirable to achieve. You know, diary, I left Tonica because I wanted to find someone better – Truth no. 1. I told myself that if she still wanted me I’d come back because she needed me. Truth No. 2. On one hand, I think now I should go ahead with my life. Yet I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone again who is so cute, well-built, so pretty and who loves me as much as she. I still feel intrigued by the challenge of winning her back. 7 p.m. I’m going to work at 10, have to be there for 11 p.m., so going to sleep right now. How depressing!! I’m looking at my goals and I discover I had them in the palm of my hand and I threw then away to go to South America. 1) a girl who was madly in love, $3000 in the bank. Oh on and on, all the things that I want were so within my reach. Depression forcing me down… down… down… and then… light, light… the sun breaks through the clouds… 10 p.m. a banner flying in the air, in the sunshine. THE KID… an idea… LIGHTBULB! I ask Tom and John if they’d like to quit awful Wizard and start a band with me.

Memo
“And I think spontaneity is a key.”

October 1, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Monday – Life must have meaning. I’ve always believed that and felt within that my life had meaning. Today I drove home from the night shift at 8 a.m. and all full of crazy ideas of how I’m going to start this band with Tom and John and about how we’re going to be playing around here and be really popular, and how I’m going to win back Toniça and, etc. – how I’m going to conquer this situation of loneliness and spiritual deprivation. I get home and Tom sounds skeptical, which makes me bummed out somewhat. I slept the day and I picked up Toniça from work at 9 p.m., feeling like I had totally lost her. I talked to her and I asked her to please help me because I couldn’t stand much more without her. She said, “But I really don’t know what to do.” And I said, “Well, sometimes… love [meaning making love]. She didn’t say yes or no, so I said, “Would you at least consider it?” And she said, “Yes.” I drove to work with hope in my heart. The sky clears a little. I’m not so sad at work.

October 2, 1979
New Orleans, USA
80 days and counting until my last day at Avondale according to present plans.
Tuesday – Driving home from work at 8 a.m. I have a premonition that today is going to be a really good day. I mean really good. Let’s see: Well, I sleep away till mid-afternoon. Jeff and Tom are sitting in there and Jeff wants to know if I’m going with him or not. Tom interjects that he and John talked and they decided to quit Wizard and come with me but that’s an almost for sure. I saw Tonica again tonight. I had to snap her out of her aloofness tonight but when I did she was real sweet. After Renada went to bed we began to get real close, kissing, putting my crotch against hers, I started grabbing her tits and ass and rubbing her pussy through her pants. She was sweet and so was I. She grabbed my ass a few times. I put my hand inside her pants and grabbed her bare ass. She seemed to really love it. I pulled her bra back and put my nipple in my mouth. I told her I wished I was inside her. Today was really great because my attitude was without anxiety for perhaps the first time since I have been back. Things are better, adjusting to my new situation.

October 3v
New Orleans, USA
Wednesday – I went to work at 4:30 p.m. and got off at 1:30 a.m. I talked to Toniça on the phone from work and she’s trying to get some guys from Baton Rouge to come down here this weekend to have a good time – so she tells me. And Paul is taking her to her ring dance on the 20th. Yet she won’t even date me at all on a weekend because ‘she has to spend time with her friends.’ I’m beginning to feel very bitter. It may be a game or whatever. It’s not that I mind her having fun with others, but she declares she loves me, needs me, wants me to stay here. I wish she’d show it or tell me to leave. I feel so bitter. I’ve never felt wronged by a girl but I do now, yet I don’t want to feel this way. I should probably leave Louisiana but the money I’m making I feel I need for school and I’m afraid to leave in defeat. I don’t want to leave bitter. I don’t know how I’m going to survive but I guess I will. I need to be loved and I need sex. I need female understanding.

October 4, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Thursday – I woke up late since I go to bed so late now from work. Before I went off to work again at 4 p.m. I talked with Jeff and Tom about how miserable I am over Tonica. It’s not just hard to win her back; the real problem seems that I once I won her back I’d always be holding on and I don’t want that!! Jeff said I should bring it to a head. I got off work at 9 p.m. saying I was sick, and went over there. She was very unwilling to talk, still refused to go out on weekends with me. I told her she’s got to decide one way or the other and she said she didn’t know. She said she was confused and wasn’t sure how she felt. I asked her if she could decide soon and she said she would. We hugged and kissed and said goodnight and I left feeling that deep down she really loves me, but lot of good that does me. I went back and talked to my friends, feeling elated for some reason. Things have changed. When Teets and I talk, we aren’t subtle anymore – we are blatant. I find myself criticizing her openly, which hurts her pride.

October 5, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Friday – Of all things at all times I awoke at noon to discover that my motorbike has been stolen!!! Unable to get to work, what to do. I sat down and thought about things – how confused I’ve been, how indecisive I’ve been about what to do – then I thought – Let go – I’m trying desperately to hold on and I should just let go of Toniça, of trying to be in a band down here, and of my job. I called my grandmother and cried (I had thought – I need someone I can turn to), and she reassured me. I asked if I could stay with her for a week or two, until I got my feet on the ground and she said, “Of course.” I talked with Tom and then I withdrew all my money from the bank, got a case from Toniça’s, went back home and fell to drinking with some friends. I showered and ate. Some girls came by and I could tell one of them liked me so we started kissing. Mike Budgick came by (earlier). The girl and I sat in the cab of his pickup truck and made out, kissing and hugging. She gave me a cheap ring, her phone number, told me to call her. Her name is Regina Murphy and she’s 16 years old. After she left, we went drinking and Tom and got plastered and was incoherent. My sadness for Toniça is over.

October 6, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Saturday – It’s about 10:30 p.m. on a Saturday night and I feel normal, probably because I’ve just been making out with Regina for a few hours, cuddling, who just happened to drop in again from across the lake 25 miles away, and whose adoration for me is probably doing a world of good to restore my ego, even though she’s probably only about a five. Men like me are helpless without a woman – unhappy is a better description. If I’m going to wash my clothes it’s a mundane chore, but if the girl helps it because an event – it’s always like that. That was just a fundamental example. I can’t help thinking how lonely I’ll be without Tonica and I find it hard to accept even though it’s obvious to me that for some reason Tonica does not want me around. And it’s only my reasoning power that is preventing me from walking away and not feeling one bit sorry, because my sense tells me that she went through a lot of things that I’m now going through for her and I know if I stick around that sooner or later her heart will swing to my side and she’ll start showing me she loves me. But I may well be gone long before and of that ever happens!!!

October 7, 1979
New Orleans, USA
Sunday – I just awoke. The pain is usually greatest in the morning when I think how I can see her when she’s available during the week and I can kiss and hold her. Then my reason says – yeah, but it’s not the same. Soon my path will be cut. I’m just going to let things fall where they may. Now it’s almost 10 p.m. I went over to experience the usual bullshit at Toniça’s. After a few hours she said I had to go and I put my arms around her and told her I wouldn’t be seeing her again. She says it doesn’t come as a surprise. While I was explain to her sister, Franja, how and why, Toniça went into the kitchen and began to cry. I went and held her. Her mom asked what the problem was and I explained how Toniça said she wouldn’t go out with me, and while Teets sat there her mom said “I think she’s trying to punish you for going away.” Toniça tried to deny it and got pissed off, said I was making her look like an asshole. (Well, if the shoe fits….) Toniça got angry as the truth came out and asked me to leave. It was great fun as I said, No!! and her Mom said no to her also. I loved it!! So her Mom and I continued talking. Her Mom pointed out to her that Toniça wants me to stay and yet she won’t see me and clarified the situation beautifully by saying no matter what I did it would be wrong. I said, exactly, and I’m no taking anymore abuse. I went in and hugged Teets again and her mom urged me to let Teets cool off and call during the week and I assured her they probably wouldn’t hear from me again. Teets had said, “How long do you think he’s gonna stay around? A few months?” She was obviously bitter. I washed my hands of the punishment and burned that bridge. By doing so I have regained my senses and all sorts of wonderful thoughts and life and assurances pervade my heart, soul and mind as I look to a brighter tomorrow. I don’t love Toniça anymore. I don’t love any woman right now. I love life. The future, expands before me. Love is all around.

October 8, 1979
Orange City, Texas, USA
Monday – Today Jeff and I packed and said goodbye. Tom drove us to the bus station and we got on the bus to San Diego at about 5 p.m. Poor Tom, we left him in a pretty rotten situation, which has just developed in the last 24 hours – namely, the guys in the band might kick him out and they turned out the electricity today. Tom’s in a bad way. Well, we were off again to the Golden State, chattering, I, happy because I had done the right thing. After all, I had told Gary that if that strong feeling still wasn’t between Teets and I, that I would walk out – which in essence is what I did. Let us never forget the deep quality of our love, the beauty, the lack of argument. God how she and I loved. It’s off to California, mile by mile. I feel I am leaving my youth behind me, so full, so full of experience, and before me, the part of my life that I fear most, my adulthood. Yet perhaps the future holds the best of all – perhaps the future will be full of success –bright, energetic. Perhaps it’s really my second youth.

October 9, 1979
Tucson, Arizona, USA
Tuesday – All night, all day, all night on the bus. High hopes, low hopes, confusion, clarity. Sleep, wake. A change is coming over me, that is clear. I can feel it. It’s like I’ve found so many of my old ideals falling by the wayside, then I find myself a bit scared, and then I feel a glimpse of the future – a new set of ideals, perhaps more conducive to happiness. Perhaps things will be better. Yet I feel so empty right now without Toniça, without her care, love, even grace. So empty at times I no longer have my will to live. Yet I do, I still feel hope, life, will, dreams, I still care. God, let me never lose that care for myself, please!! The change I’m going through, I feel old all of a sudden, like I want to settle down – and that scares me, and depresses me too, but I see a light in all this, as if everything will miraculously be alright. What I need now is so obvious. I need a new lover, and not just any will do. I need a special lover. How long will it be before I find her? Maybe never. Most of the girls I see I don’t even want.

October 10, 1979
San Diego, California
Wednesday – We arrived in San Diego along about 1:30 p.m. Lisa Wagner, Jeff’s old girlfriend, came and picked us up. She had brownies and beer, pot and showers ready for us. It was really great to be back in California. She has a roommate, Sue, who’s cute, but has a boyfriend. God, I miss Toniça. She probably doesn’t even know I’m gone!! What to do? I guess I have to go on into the future bravely, with hope.

We partied a lot and all went to sleep about 10:30 p.m. I’ll probably never find someone who loves me like Teets did with a body like hers, such a tight vagina, such a personality. She was never boring. Life doesn’t seem to hold any charm for me anymore. I feel like I’ve lost my sex drive. Life’s not really any fun without Toniça, now that I’ve had her. I mean, once you experience something so great, how can you revert back to less?? But who will want to love me, what girl who is prettier than Teets will want to love me? An impossible task! I’m depressed. I don’t want to face this situation but I will.

October 11, 1979
San Diego, California
Thursday – We had a big breakfast and went to the beach during the day. I called my father in the evening and I called Toniça too. I asked if she wanted to write and she said OK. It’s sad. She sounds so distant. I told her I was still in New Orleans but I’d be going to California soon so I’d like to write. I asked if she was getting serious about some new guy and she said No.

We had red snapper for dinner. It was very good. Jeff and I played backgammon and he won, being much better. Looking forward to the future. I really, really need to find a new lover. Really bad I need to find a lover!! I’m a lot more content when I have a girl. How do I find love like I had again. Lament, lament!! I’m discouraged because I know the odds - sure, maybe I’ll find someone but how can she possibly compare. Oh, I need a lover so bad!! First thing to do is find sex. I’m looking at school for three years. Will I make it?? I know that if I wait 10 years that within that time I’ll find the right girl. At least I hope so. I’m so afraid of being lonely. I’ve got to forge ahead. But I’ve got my will back.

October 12, 1979
San Diego, California.
Friday – I’m starting to “recover.” I’m not so heartbroken today. I’m more just pissed off at myself for my own stupidity – my saying for the day is “Just give me a bar of gold so I can throw it away” – After all, that is what I did with Teets – “Hey love, I’ll be living in New York when I come back. I love ya, I’ll see you when I can.” – then I come home expecting her to be waiting breathless. It’s too ridiculous to be sad about. Fuck it all. I threw it away. O.K. Forget it. Let’s start living!! Punishment time over! Self punishment – over!! 10..9…8…. 1! Blast off. Time for love. Love, love love. Time for music… music.. music.. music. Work, study, create, love, prosper. I’m not really worried about meeting girls – after all, I swear I’ve got this magic force in me at times that compels me to win girls. Contact ***. Lisa is totally pissed because she read Jeff Clymer’s diary and discovered how gross Jeff thinks she is. Just lounged around during the day and evening. I feel much better about things, realizing that I have so much to look forward to… a career, love. No, I’m not trying to convince myself. I’m starting to feel a glow about everything. Before I’d feel bad 3/4ths of the day – not I’m feeling good about 3/4ths of the day. I’m glad I called.

October 13, 1979
Marina Del Rey, California
Saturday – Today was totally bitchin in some ways and yet it held some pain too. We awoke in San Diego. Lisa drove us to the bus station and we rode to LA, where Jeff’s girlfriend, Cara, came by and picked us up. Her mother and her rent an apartment right near the beach for $875 a month. It was a nice day. Arleen, Cara’s mom, knows some people, Malcolm and John, who own an $80,000 Northstar 40 (ft) sailing ketch. We went out to the dock, had a drink, then decided to sail it. We took it out in the open sea for a few hours. It was really pleasant. Back at the apartment we had a pizza dinner. Oh yeah, Malcolm gave me a ride back to the apartment in his Porsche Carera ($30,000). After they left, Jeff, Cara and her mom, and I talked a few hours. Arleen told us about her newspaper, struggles and victories, and warren Beatty’s house, movies, scripts, careers and big money. It was very interesting talk. In many ways I’m starting to be very thankful that I’m back in California. It is like the ‘Athens’ of the world. People are more interesting here. Things are brighter. I miss Toniça. I’ve got to get a lover.

October 14v
Marina Del Rey, California
Sunday – 4 p.m. The first half of the day I wrote a letter to Tonica, exercised, took a run along the beach, dipped, showered, had eggs and a Heineken, walked with Jeff and Cara along the beach, had a glass of Bordeaux wine and played chess on an ivory chess set with Jeff and beat him, then fell asleep on the beach. I feel so good and content. I’m feeling no pain at all. And I’m starting to thank God that what has happened did happen. Everything is starting to look so good. More and more ideas are beginning to occur to me about things to do and I’m very glad I don’t have a wife for a good while. And I look back on all I’ve done and I feel quite satisfied with the course my life has taken so far. In the evening we had a dinner of BBQed steaks, potatoes, etc. Afterwards I was so tired that I crashed out on top the couch in my room and woke no more till Monday morning. I’m leaving here tomorrow. What a nice stay this has been. I hope Jeff leaves tomorrow also, but maybe he’ll stay to be with Cara, as they seem to be getting along well. I’m glad I left Louisiana when I did. California is so much brighter.

October 15, 1979
Santa Barbara, California
Monday – Today was a nice day. Jeff and I started the day by having a premium beer and playing chess on an ivory chess set. I won again. Then we ate, talked, laid out on the beach. I ran along the beach and went swimming. In the evening Cara took us to a bus stop. Jeff and I caught a bus to the Greyhound depot, where we caught a bus to Santa Barbara to visit Jeff’s friend Susan. Jeff and I talk a lot. He told Cara it was the last time he would be seeing her. That’s the second girl in a week that Jeff has blown off. I understand from Susan that Mary, Gary’s girlfriend, is not so pretty after all – this sort of pisses me off. I feel like Toniça and I have both been victims of a conspiracy (by our personal friends) to have us break up. (Woe is me!) I love California. It’s so pretty. I’m excited by the prospects of the future. I’m intending to work out, work, go to school. I want to get Tom (and John) back here to start a band.

October 16, 1979
Santa Barbara, California
Tuesday – AH! It’s good to be in California. Today was enriching. After all, shouldn’t life be enriching? It’s that, that I think I would like in life. What goal is more all-encompassing than enrichment? Jeff and I went down to the beach and went swimming in the (relatively) warm ocean water. Then we went back up to Sven’s house and got wetsuits and masks and went back down and went snorkeling for about 40 minutes until we stared getting cold. On the beach were a few nude bathers – prompting Jeff and I to make up a joke Jo Biffy, Nude Bather – reminding me that in Louisiana they think all of our beaches are nude. In the evening we had BBQed hamburgers. There were discussions, etc. I’ve been reading Julian – about one of Rome’s last emperors. It’s really interesting. Well, I’m really enjoying this vacation. San Francisco soon approaches: Well, well, I need to get laid for many reasons.

October 17, 1979
Santa Barbara, Ca
Wednesday – Today was totally bitchin’. Jeff and I dilly-dallied around the area having a pretty good time. When Sven got off work, we picked him up in his truck, dropped off his girlfriend, Jackie (ugh!) and the three of us had a feast evening together. We went swimming at sunset, washed our clothes and prepared a Roman Feast. We had three bottles of wine, J and I had lamb chops, baked potatoes, with sour cream; we smoked marijuana all through the ceremony of eating. After we had corn, salad, French bread heated with butter. I was tired from all this consumption and fell to sleep on the floor next to my stuff. I mailed off a bitchin’ letter to Toniça today. It’s pretty great being with Jeff; we can talk about a lot of things. I hope I find Love in SF. I need love from a girl right now.

October 18, 1979
Santa Barbara, CA
Thursday – Tonica is a fool for letting me go. Listen to my Bravado! We didn’t’ do anything today except a morning dip in the ocean. 2) seeing the movie Apocalypse Now in the evening. So it gives me room to discuss my state of mind. Just for the record I must state because I am burdening myself down with anxiety about what kind of life I’m headed for) that I wanted Tonica and still do want her, I want to love a lot of women, I want to be a pop star, I want to get an MBA, I want to have lots of money, firstly though I want to be getting laid every day. I’m worried I’m on a self-denial trip right now, but just because I don’t have any of these things now, and I’m not reciting goals every day, it has no effect on my desires, I’m still trying and striving for success. It is true that I am unsure as to the effective means of achieving these things, I have lost faith in Dyna-Psych and all such supernatural hodge-podge, but I still need and want many things to get me through my life happily and I am determined.

October 19, 1979
Santa Barbara, CA
Friday – Today I just sat around, reading, writing, but it was relaxing and enjoyable. In the evening, Jeff and I got into one of our age-old fights. He threw my brownies out the window. Just like old times! But at the end of the night we made peace. I wish I was in love. I was reading my diary from last year. What a lover! Well, this is my adventure year. It’s making me feel old though. All of a sudden, it’s like I’m middle aged. I don’t feel like getting married but my attitudes have changed so dramatically towards marriage. Yet I feel that for the first time in my life I have the opportunity to be truly happy. Why? I’m free. I’m free from Louisiana, I’m free from having to live on my parents, all the things that have bothered me in the past are gone. I’m a more relaxed person. I’ve done a lot. Now what I need to achieve happiness is to put it all together – chicks, money, music and school.

October 20, 1979
Santa Barbara, CA
Saturday – All I did today was to get high and try to have a good time. I won about $55 playing cards with Jeff and Swen. One pot was $58 in Acey Deucy and I got an A-A, so I potted it and won. Poor Clymer! So I gave him $12 back and I took those guys out for dinner at Chuck’s Steak House. During the day I went to the beach and met a nude sunbather called Cyndi Shipman. We talked for about three hours. I got her phone number. After Swen, Jeff and I went to dinner we went to a party. What a party! So many cute girls!! It was a Halloween party. I started talking to a girl who gave me a ride home and then we went to a coffee shop and ate some stuff and she took me home. Her name was Darice. But I didn’t even kiss her!! I had swordfish for dinner tonight. It was really good. I drank beer, rum and Coke and smoked a bunch of joints today. It was pretty fun and I was lively.

October 21, 1979
Santa Barbara, Ca
Sunday – I don’t have my “shit together’ at this point dear diary. I feel neither a part of this world of 9-5 jobs, marriage nor do I feel a part of the easy life. All I want, I think, is love. How I wish I could wallow in love. I have lost belief in everything except myself. I wish I had a goal I could believe in. I hope things turn out well in California. I never felt like this. I’m growing older I suppose I should learn from the past. When I was kicked out at 17 years old, I felt this way. I was facing a new life. Now also I am facing a new life. Before I conquered my problems by managing that new life according to plan. Now I should do the same, but I have no plan. I’m not looking forward to anything. Africa – 1984. Should I continue my diary next year? Yes, I should. Should I make it a year of Love – Yes, I should. Should I form a New Wave band called “The Kid?” Yes, I shall. Should I play the bass and/or sing. Yes, I shall. Should I try to get a sports car and a place of my own? Yes, I shall. Should I try to get a harem of girls. Yes, I shall. I’ll get married when I’m 35. 1990 Sept. 29 The Kid will have their 1st No. 1 hit April 16th, 1981. I’ll get my sports car April 30th, 1980. I’ll get my M.B.A, by Jan 1st 1983. Next year shall be Happy Love. When I return to SF I’ll begin to plan and organize. I will never again be a defeatist, a quitter or a pessimist.

Global Entertainment Company
I have found a purpose in life today. Since I can gain nothing by trying to gain for myself I will do for others and in this way gain for myself everything. My childhood is over. I am forced to feel this way now. I am so depressed today about Toniça. It’s either win her back, get someone else to love or die. Life is the shits without her.

October 22, 1979
San Francisco, CA
I’ve been psyching myself out lately because at the drop of Dyna-Psych one must realize that one will completely lose drive for life, even after years of striving, if you don’t continue with projects and plans. I’m on my way to S.F. right now. I’ve been reading all about my relationship with Tonica, from July to December of last years and I feel 10,000% better now that I see the truth. From the heights of romantic bliss I began to be a bit tired of Tonica and began ever so slightly, Tonica my love, to take her preciousness for granted. I arrived home tonight. Boy, it was sure great to get here. Debbie called me, having received my letter. She’s hot to trot – great – I can get some sex – make me feel great. Do you know how much I miss Teets? Greatly! I sure hope I’ll know her beautiful little buns again someday!! If you rate the way I’ve been feeling as a 1 then I feel like a 10 right now!! I am so overjoyed to be here. I can actually feel my roots. It’s so good to be here. I want to get my MBA. I want very much to keep in touch with Tonica and I want more than anything in the world to love her again. I will, by God. Boy, am I ever feeling good.

October 23, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – I’m afraid (not really) that I won’t be able to stand it here without Toniça. Practically, I should not even be thinking of her, but my heart is speaking to me too loudly, and I have to see her. I’ve lost fear now, I only want to be with her. Home is in her arms. Sent her a letter today. My love for her is still strongly alive and it feels good. Fucked off [Editor’s note: “Fucked off” means “Was non-productive”] in the morning then took buses to city to see Gram. Had a marvelous dinner over wine, then made phone calls and retired at about 11 p.m. I called Toniça! It was a delightful conversation! I said ‘I love you’ and she said, “I love you” when I said ‘I miss you’ she said, ‘I miss you.’ She didn’t sound angry. In fact, she sounded interested and said she’d gotten my letters, and apologized for not having written but she said she would. How sweet! She could not have even got my 1st letter before Saturday or Friday! I am so happy!! I said I’d call her next week! I’m sleeping over at Gram’s. I feel such a buzz!! I feel full of life again for the first time in two months or so. No! I don’t know when I felt so good before!!!

October 24, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – Today was outasight! I woke at Gram’s and I walked all over the city. At 2 p.m., I met the owner (of the flat that needs to be painted). Debbie told me of this job. So he wanted me to do it for $350 and I got the job for $600. After, Dad picked me up. We worked out and had dinner. Then I spent the evening on the phone. (I mailed letter to Tonica, Connie, Chris, Lynn today.) I called up a New Wave group who need a bass player and lied and set up an audition. I talked to Clymer. I talked to Debbie and I’ll meet her Friday at 10:30 a.m. at the flat to be painted. I talked to Mrs. Cappa. She says Gary’s on his way to Brasil now, safely. Talked to Robin O and said I might be over tomorrow night at 9:30 p.m. Brother Marc called and he has a date for me. Called Mike and he and I talked and he invited me down for dinner sometime. Psyched up!!! Called SFSU and asked ‘em to send me an application. Talked to Mrs. Hockridge. Aside: It used to be I was so easily aroused sexually that if I was laying in bed like this all I’d have to do is think of sex and I’d get aroused but now I don’t just thinking but I’m mentally addicted to it.

October 25, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – Things are shaping up. Woke up morose and going to sleep happy!!! I’ve chosen happiness as the one goal I really, really want in life. It’s what all other goals are supposed to bring and without happiness, possessions, be it girls or cars, etc, are relatively meaningless. [Editor’s note: by “possessions” I meant things in my life, not “ownership.”] I want to live a long, happy life. I called Irene tonight. We talked for about 40 minutes. We’re gonna go out next weekend. It seems, not to be arrogant or premature, that she’s interested and excited to see me, as I am her. So, I also talked to Robin and we’re gonna get together next week. I spent the day preparing the flat for painting (5 hours). I called Toniça and it was nice talking to her! I swear, that girl, doesn’t believe me about anything – doesn’t believe I miss her, doesn’t believe I’m gonna go to school! It really helps talking to her. It makes me relax with the way things are and we still love each other, but it doesn’t look like we’ll get back together, at least for a little while. I learned one thing from this relationship – if I find a girl of my dreams and if we’re very much in love – whenever that happens – someday – it’s smart to marry.

October 26, 1979
Lagunitas, CA
Friday – Note: (Love Teets) I don’t think the reason for Tonica not wanting to get re-involved with me had anything to do with my desirability as much as it has to do with she didn’t want to go through the hurt of having me leave her again while she was still involved. Today I worked 7 hours, Debbie 6. After we worked, we went to Marin County, she let me drive her Datsun, which was fun, we smoked a joint and then we went to dinner. The dinner was really great. I had fettuccini with shrimp and red snapper and topped with Parmesan cheese. After dinner we had a talk. She said, “Things have changed. When we were in Peru I was so in love with you.” I felt like a spectator, since I never felt anything more than friendship towards her. Then she said to go to Lagunitas where she lives. We went up there. The house is really nice. We smoked their homemade pot and listened to records. Then she wanted to go to bed. We got in bed and I had a hard-on against her. Then she said, “I don’t feel like making love.” Yikes! She evaded my questions and we went to sleep.

October 27, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – (5 ½ hours) I awoke and Deb brought me tea. She wouldn’t give me a ride so I hitchhiked and then caught a bus the rest of the way to SF. I painted for the afternoon, then had supper with Game. This house is like paradise. Gam [Editor’s note: my grandmother] is so receptive and wonderful. I love her so much. A sweeter woman is not to be found. What a cook! And on top of everything, she’s intelligent and interesting. Taylor picked me up and we went to a party together, with Rob Pisano. It was a costume party at the Leopard, a bar in SF. It was a pretty lot of fun and we got pretty high. It was really, really great seeing Taylor. He is so full of life, and excited about life that it fills me with the same gratitude to be here and to be alive. It is inspirational that he is doing well with girls and that he attributes it in part to the knowledge that I’ve imparted to him.

October 28, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – (8 hours) Woke up and went straight to the flat and painted away the afternoon. At dinner were Uncle Frank, Aunt Betty, Uncle Donnie, Cousin Ann, Cousin Joey – his girlfriend Nikki and Gram and I. The dinner was of ham and pineapple and casseroles of chicken tetrazine and one of string beans in sauce. There was wine and then tea and best of all was Gram’s homemade pastry of cottage cheese strudel – you’ve never se anything disappear so quickly from a table in your life!! The conversation was delightful. I must say again that it’s great to be home!!! You know, life is funny. Just a few weeks ago I felt that everything was so terrible. When I’m up, I’m up and when I’m down, I’m down. Both moods make sense when I’m in them. It seems to me that the most important thing for a person in life is to remain constantly vibrating – alive – doing is what makes life worthwhile.

October 29, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – I left Gam’s and I worked and worked at painting until 2:30 a.m. the next morning, completing a lot of work. When I was through I tried to catch a bus home but to no avail. I was waiting at the Doggie Diner and a foxy girl (just my type) was there and I ended up talking to her. I swear, it’s too long to go into here but I was so pissed I didn’t ask her for her number. I slept at the flat I’m painting. I slept on the floor with a drape wrapped around me. I’ve been debating about a plan, which is so top secret I won’t even say more than that I’m formulating one. On and off I’m missing Toniça. What a love affair it’s been till now. Her body, the intensity of our bedroom sessions, it’s not an easy thing to forget. I need to find someone else, yet I hope I see her again someday. Why is my luck with girls so bad this month?

October 30, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – I painted after I awoke until about 4 and I went back to Gam’s. We had dinner and I felt better I talked to Dad and to Jeff. Oh yeah, Mom called, which was nice. There’s no doubt whatsoever that stopping the use of Dyna-Pysch is now, after a year, having it’s affect on me. The thing is, is that life is appearing so normal now and although my dreams are always pretty much the same, whereas before I felt powerful now I feel helpless. Only thing is, is that before [when] I was off trying to “make something of myself,” my life wasn’t very constructive, which is basically why I stopped D.P. I was running around the country, which is something in it’s own right, but once it is over, it is over. I am more serious now. I want to retain what I gain.

I called Tonica tonight. I asked if she missed me and she said Yeah and I said I love her and she said I love you. She wanted to know what school I’m gonna go to and I said I didn’t know and I said I would like to go to UNO. I asked if she’d like to see me again and she said Yes and I asked if she’d like to come out for a visit and she said Yeah and I asked he she’d like if I arranged it, etc. I asked if she liked hearing from me. She said Yeah and she said she sent me a letter and she said that my last one was weird. She asked how life was and I said it was fine ‘cept for that I missed her. I’m gonna phone UNO (University of New Orleans) and ask for an application today!!

October 31, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Terri is a blonde – great shape – cute face – easily an 8.

Wednesday – Today was one of the great days of the year. I P (prayed) in the morning. I worked quickly today and happily. I sang while I worked. In the evening, I had a wonderful dinner and conversation with my Grandma and Jeff came by with his brother Scott and we talked with Gram and then at 9 p.m. we went to the Castro district, which is gay and we smoked pot, drank wine and had a great time watching the costumes. It was superb. Instead of police… “Will the monitors please gather here?” Ha ha. There was a chick named Terri who’s a sophomore at Mill Valley High school. I mentioned to some guy we were talking to that I thought she was a fox and he told her I was gay and that I loved her. Well, I laughed. We kept looking at each other. I fell in love – That’s the girl I’m gonna marry! I walked up and said Terri, and said, can I please have your number and she said Yes.

November 1, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – Let me get philosophical for this page. How things change. P represents Praying – my new food for my spirit. God, whoever, whatever, wherever god is if it only be in me, to God I pray every night and morning and ask to help make each of my requests come true – which is powerful because it helps me focus and realize the things I need and it brings out my spirit, which is many ways has been a helpless prisoner inside of me. I painted today. After work I talked on the phone for hours. Results: Major happiness was to be had on discovering that Terri not only gave me the right phone number but she was very receptive and sweet to me. I said I’d call her again Sunday. I asked if I could come over to visit and she said ‘Sure.’ I’m totally psyched up. She’s so damn cute. She’s about an 8 – solid 8! She’s got blonde hair, a very pretty face, great smile and a super-lithe body. Next I talked to Star and I’ll meet her Tuesday at Market and Powell at 7 p.m. to spend the night fucking her. Next Taylor has arranged a double date for me Monday night. Next, he gave me Penny Parker’s phone number and I called her and she said she’s got a lot of cute girlfriends for me to meet and she’ll have a party next weekend. I wrote a letter to Teets.

November 2, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – This year is the heaviest of my life and the best. I feel changed completely. It’s taken me 24 years to become aware of my own mortality. Whereas before I was so cautious, going to South America made me realize that man has had to eke out his existence by sheer labor, nothing comes without chances – nothing ventured, nothing gained. The difference is that now I am willing to risk my life or my freedom in order to obtain the wealth and kind of life I want. On a more mundane plane my activities today were to get $600 from my painting job, to have dinner at Gam’s and then to have Taylor pick me up. We went to a boring but nice party at Suzanne’s, an old girlfriend of his. Met a bow-wow named Diane 588-1964. Do you know I have decided to definitely get caps on my teeth. I need to spend about $1100.00 on them. I have $1200 in the bank.

November 3, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – I spent the day with Mike. Arranged my date with Irene. I called Lynn in Montreal but she was not there. Her mom told me Lynn may get married soon but she also said that Lynn still loves me very much. She invited me to come ‘anytime’ I want and said, “Our address is 171 Gounod.” I’ll be back.
I picked up Irene at 8:30 p.m. and we got a bottle of wine and sat up by Telegraph Hill. She kept grabbing my hand. We finished the wine in my Dad’s Caddy and then we got a bottle of champagne. Half way through that we started kissing. I enjoyed it much more than last year. We kissed a long time. It was nice. She really slops her tongue around but it feels good n’ juicy. We went to watch the punks exciting from Mabuhay Gardens, holding hands, then parked outside Zim’s and fell asleep with my head on her lap. She began caressing my rear like she wanted to get in my pants but was unsure I’d allow it or something crazy. I got home after 5 a.m. – I said I’d call this week. Today Mike and I started the Adventures Club.

November 4 , 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – Yesterday Mike found my gold map at this Dad’s house. Also we made a list of the Bitchinest things to do in the world. My family all came for dinner. Mike and Linda (Mike let me drive his Porsche), Mark Fadgen, Paul, Marc and Maxine (Maxine’s setting me up with one of her friends), Dad, Helen and Donna (who’s renting her car to me for $50 a month). We had a big ole Turkey dinner. Called Terri but her friendly mom said she was asleep. Chris called and said she couldn’t make it on Tuesday but I called her back and she said that I could come over and make love with her on Wednesday at 2 p.m. I talked with Clymer for a long time and with Taylor for a short while. I checked out my room. It’s late now and I’m real tired. Diary, it’s so god-awful good to be back home again. I really love my family. I hope someday I can make Lynn or Toniça or Terri part of it. I feel so changed from before.

November 5, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – I weight lifted in the afternoon. I called Terri and I’m gonna go over and visit her tomorrow at ¼ to 4. Mike and I went out with a former girlfriend of his and her girlfriend. We paid for the show, the show was great – Life of Brian. I’m spending entirely too much money. The girl was cute but nothing great. Something exciting was that Mike and I decided to form a new wave group. Now it sure sounds exciting. I am totally stoked!! And after we practice a few times I’m gonna notify Hockridge and get him and John to come out here and get Clymer to manage. We discussed names and perhaps ‘The Kids’ or ‘The Club.’

November 6, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – Today was sort of depressing, and on the other hand it held some great things in store for me. I went with my Dad while he picked up $23,000 worth of checks and then we got the Toyota, which will be my car for a while. That was real good news. After I went over Terri’s. She said she’d be going out with Rann, her boyfriend. That was bad news. Then I went home depressed and found a letter from Lynn in which she said she loved me and she was gonna try to come and visit me. That was great news! Then I talked to Toniça for 45 minutes on the phone and she asked me to send her a ticket to come visit (X-mas?). That was good news, but she sounded a little concerned. I talked to her Mom and her Mom said to come back and said that Teets wanted me back, but I asked Teets and she said don’t come back, I’ll come to SF. I slept at Jeff’s. We got stoned!

November 7, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – Today was great. I’ll gladly relive today. Jeff and I went to the US GEOS and got maps for gold mining, then proceeded to a meeting of the Adventurers’ Club at Taylor’s. Our sens tops are more valuable than at first suspected!! I went home, found a cute letter from Teets and a letter from Hock saying that he’s raring to start a group and he’s leaving N.O. immediately. I went up to Chris’s friend’s pad, snuck in and she was truly great. We made love three times and it was absolutely spectacular. Do you know it’s been almost 3 months since I’ve been laid? Before we made love the first time we had ‘69’ oral sex for 15 minutes or so. How sweet it is!! Did I think I was losing my sex drive? I must have been mad. I’ve never made love better than I did today. I left after over 2 ½ hours and went and dropped off my application at SF State. Then I went to Gam’s (sweetheart) and had dinner. I got a $50 check from Mom and I called Robin and I’m going over to see her Saturday at 2 p.m. Great day.

November 8, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – I now know that one of the main reasons I’ve been bummed is because I haven’t been getting laid. As they say in Shogun, “How can a man be healthy without sex?” I like the term in the book “to pillow” – Yesterday, Star gave me some insights into why I’ve had problems with old girls lately. For one, she says I’m very good looking and that’s not the problem and for another, she says I’m quite a temptation. In essence, I’ve hurt these girls before and now they’re afraid to get hurt again. In other words, it’s not for bad reasons but rather because I am desirable that I’m having trouble with old girlfriends. Sexually, I‘m a threat to girls. Anyway, life isn’t so serious, I just haven’t been getting laid! To hell with marriage till I’m 30 (or more). I realize now that I’ve got a great life still ahead of me. She said - I love differently because I give so much affection and so, after making love with me the girl thinks, “It’s OK with Jeff because it’s not dirty with him.” Relaxes their conscience. One last word of advice from Star [Chris] – Follow your heart. She says I told her that one years ago. Today I didn’t do much. Woke at Gam’s. Went to Taylor’s. Did nitrous oxide. Got a paycheck from Avondale, Crocker Banking Card. Talked to Mrs. Hockridge. Phoned Becky – she sounded rally nice. Dinner Monday. NO [Nitrous Oxide]is a gas!

November 9, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – Not a note to bum you out but I believe if I would have had patience and stayed on my trip I would’ve arrived and Toniça would’ve loved me. It was a bad time to show up right after summer. It seems now she’s getting bored. Bored, bored, bored, drifting daily into oblivion. I met Taylor at the Palace of Legion of Honor. We got to Paoli’s for a Campari and Soda and Hors ‘Doeuvres. We go to my house and I reminisce through old love letters – ah, how wonderful to be admired! We eat (Taylor says emphatically that Toniça is beautiful) dinner and tired, Taylor leaves and I go to bed. Dad comes in and we talk. He’s a little crazy I suppose, but he’s also smart. Just before he leaves we talk about the idea of a “compelling mission” in life. He says it doesn’t matter whether or not you succeed – it’s shooting for that star that’s important. I personally think it’s important to succeed, yet he’s right – something clicks, and we start all over again – I will dream my original goals from tonight until the days I leave this Earth. Why not? For I can’t face mediocrities now.

November 10, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – 2 p.m. at Robin’s. Finance stands for job, Adventure for travel, Entertainment for group, Love for sex, Success for school, Kindness for gifts, Happiness for my ultimate goals. I began the day visualizing my empire. How happy I am, I am home, free, able!! I have enjoyed the wonderful love of Toniça, travel, and am set free by my own will. How lovely life is, how lucky I am!! What a night!! I waited for Clymer but he never showed up so I went to the Mabuhay Gardens – a center for New Wave Music. There, I met a guy named Randy who invited me to be the bass player in a group he’s in. So, I’m gonna go over to a rehearsal tomorrow. After I left them I cruised in front of the Mabuhay to see if a waitress I had my eye on was coming out and I picked up a 37-year old hitchhiker who was once Miss Greenwich Village 1960. She had once been a total beauty. I drove her to her raunchy hotel and she said I had gorgeous lips so I kissed her. We kissed and kissed and I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. I was trying to get in her pants so bad!! She went to the bathroom in front of me up in the hotel and I had my hand in her crotch and she said to remove it or she’d burn me with her cigarette!! I asked her to live with me and we talked about it. She said I had a gorgeous face and we talked about making love. I loved kissing her face because it looked so pretty. Her name was Christy and she said she’d call me tomorrow. I got home to Gram’s at about 5:30 a.m.

November 11, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – I went to the rehearsal in the afternoon. They were OK and so I said I’d come over and try learning their songs. After I picked Donna up and we had dinner with Gam, Mike, Linda, their cute kid Danny and Marc and Maxine. It was really great to be with all of them. Wow! I’m to have dinner with Mac and Maxine and her girlfriend Becky tomorrow night in San Jose. Well, Christy never called! Bummer!! Dad called and started saying how after a few more weeks I’d have to leave so I told him ‘no hard feelings’, but I’d move out this week and Gam said I could come live with her. A guy called and I’m supposed to see him tomorrow about a painting job. Strive – Dad’s right. I’m doing my goals again.

November 12, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – Dinner at Marc’s with Becky. Party for Sue’s birthday. I checked out the painting job and I start tomorrow for a $200 fee for a 2 or 3-day job. I went home and slept and then drove to San Jose for dinner. I was telling myself Becky would be beautiful and think I was too and I freaked out when I went in because she looked foxy with a capital F. She’s got a great face and eyes and beautiful blonde hair, smart dresser, Etc. My heart was beating fast. I was so happy!! We had dinner and stayed together talking for about 4 hours, till 10:15 p.m. After Maxine, that dear, asked me what I thought. I gave her the longest-winded explanation ever just to say I thought Becky was 1) cute 2) intelligent 3) had a good personality, and that I’d like to see her again. Maxine said to call her Wednesday so I will for sure. Becky said I could rent a room at her house if I apply to San Jose State and she lives close so I’m gonna apply.

November 13, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – Saw Swept Away with Taylor and Pam Butler tonight. Painted during the day at Mrs. Berlin’s. Got a job offer for Monday morning at $7 an hour. Practice with Scott was called off tonight because he was not feeling well. I’m supposed to meet cousin Joey for a job interview on Thursday at 2 p.m. at Westlake Liquors. Wrote Teets and Renada a letter each. Received a letter from Renada [Tonica’s little sister]. I moved from Dad’s house to Gram’s tonight. Had breakfast with Marc and got an application for San Jose State at their office of admissions. Apparently Becky’s place is 1 ½ blocks from the school. It would be absolutely ideal if the place is still a viable for rent come January. I hope to get settled and organized while at Gam’s. I feel a resurgence of life!! So joyful to be alive!!

November 14, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – The earth shall know my glory. I am employing Dyna-Psych, my original goals, positive thinking. I am thinking positive about everything. My high on life is unbelievable. I am happy. I’m at my desk at my headquarters (in my room downstairs at Gram’s). I called Becky and asked her out. She was super-friendly, said she’d love to but she may have friends in this weekend, if not, yes, and perhaps, (said she) I would come down some night during the week. She took my number and said she’d call. Talked to sick Scott but we’ll probably get together tomorrow night. I don’t believe it, but I got the hots for Pam Butler. I called her but some guy answered so I hung up. Gam [my dear esteemed grandmother] cooked me dinner and breakfast. I love her dearly. P.S. – Talking with Becky was fun. I spent the evening between the phone, organizing “The Pad,” and playing the guitar. I’m planning on applying to S. Jose State tomorrow. Tomorrow should be a fun and full day.

November 15, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – How do I measure the quality of my life? I feel I’m doing pretty well but I can’t be certain. I’m happy at Gam’s, I’ve a nice room to myself, a car, a garage, great meals. Things are going quite well. Yet I will always remember my Dad’s words, “The essence of life is living, and the important thing is to strive.” It really does feel great to be striving, even if I know I’ll never reach my goals. I painted for three hours and got a check for $200 from Joe. I got photos back of South America, sent transcripts to UC Berkeley and S.J. State. Had dinner with Gammy. I went to Tiburon to see Scott. He’s say I’ve got to get a bass and practice before he’ll consider me as a member of his band. If it wasn’t the only viable thing I’ve got going right now I’d tell him to get fucked. Talked to Teets, she’s coming if I send her a ticket, talked to Taylor who said it’d be ok if I went out with Pam Butler.

November 16, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – I made $100 painting at Mrs. Berlin’s today (7 hours). After I had dinner with Gam and then played the guitar until Sue and Pam and Mike showed up. We all went to Mabuhay Gardens. XYZ, The Rubber City Rebels, and Roy Mooney and the Phantoms all played there. It was pretty interesting. This is the first time I’ve been bored or lost faith in nearly a week. I’m disappointed that Becky never called. I really feel like making love with a girl. It’s funny: I told Mike I was attracted to Pam. It seems like that magic wears off when you talk about it. I keep getting attracted by girls and then nothing happens. Well, I’ve got this to be thankful of: I have a place to stay, I have a car, I’ve got money in the bank. But we both know the most important ingredient in a young man’s life: Love. Funny, though, I feel very sure I’ve nothing to worry about.

November 17, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – Woke up at ¼ to 11 – very late for me these days. What to do? Buy clothes, shoes. I really believe my perception of people and what I think they think is quite faulty. I wish I could tell when a girl would want to do what with me. I bought boots for $70 (from Brazil), a pair of Levi straight-leg jeans for $17 and a shirt for $34. I showered, put them on. I sprayed my hair and it looks great – spraying it with Aqua Net gives it more body – my hair naturally is too drab. Well, with my $120 wardrobe I look like a handsome devil. What a metamorphosis!! I’m going to be the most desired man in these parts!! I called Pam Butler and she was really friendly. She had to split so she asked me for my phone number and asked if she could call tomorrow. Of course I said “Yes.” I’m gonna do everything I can to make myself look my best at all times. With my boots on I now stand about 6 feet tall. I’m beginning to make my dynasty and it’s exciting. Pants bought size W29 L36 shrink to fit Levis. I went out with Taylor to meet girls – no luck – but we had a good time – we went around drinking, talking. I hope next week is better for girls – I feel great.
[Editor’s note… I later concluded that being too vain destroys my natural confidence. I now only look in the mirror to make sure I am kempt, but other than that, ignore my physical appearance.]

November 18, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – I’m so fuckin’ proud of myself and my new attitudes. The metamorphosis I’m undergoing is splendid. I was a bit low during the day, gardening for Gram, mainly because I did not have any girls this weekend, and I’ve felt rejected by Scott Von Trigger [about being in his band]. Gam, Uncle Donnie and Aunt Mary and I had dinner at a Japanese restaurant tonight and I got loaded on sake. The most wonderful things have happened today. 1) My brother passed the Bar exam and is now a lawyer, 2) I called and Hock is home and he’s psyched to start a band, which really makes me feel like a $ million, 3) I called up Terri and we talked for 20 minutes and she sounded happy to hear me and was real receptive and then I asked if perhaps I could come over and see her and she said “Sure” and I said I’d call next week. 4) I called Becky and she said she called Friday and also ½ hour before I called her tonight. We’re definitely getting together after she gets back from San Diego this coming weekend and the conversation was Fan-tas-tic. So was the one with Terri. I also got accepted to SF State, a space reservation. So, it, looks like Becky, Pam and Terri are the 3 8’s I’m gonna go for. I’m happy.

November 19, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – It’s been a good and full day. Looking over all my records makes me realize that they are well worthwhile, writing for my own pleasure if for no other reason. Life is so short – I’ve so many unachievable goals and lack of time, years is the main obstacle, so I must think, plan, enjoy every day of my life. I don’t know if I mentioned it but the other night Mika, Sue, Pam and I were throwing popcorn at each other and I told Pam it was a sign of affection to throw popcorn at each other and she then grabbed a big handful and threw it at me. When I got home today at 10:45 p.m. Gam said that Tam (meaning Pam)(described as an “excitable sounding girl” (That’s her!) called and said she’d call me back tomorrow. I’m happy now. My three girlfriends I want 1) Pam 2) Becky 3) Terri. I called Christy [the former “Miss Greenwich Village”] and she answered and said the best time to reach her was around noon. I worked for Orlando Trujillo today and it was OK. I’m gonna bring back the shirt I bought from Macy’s. Picked up my clothes at Mrs. Cappa’s, saw Boring Clymer, talked to Hock, saw Taylor, talked to Dad. I don’t feel motivated enough and I wish I had more energy and more progress much more rapidly.

November 20, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – I’m sitting in Gammy’s breakfast room, quite content and happy (but wishing I was getting laid). I painted today. The man’s son of the multi-million dollar house said perhaps we could join forces to renovate a house for part of the equity. It sounds great, and his father Mr. Szanto, invited me over Saturday morning to chat. Peter, the son, even said “if you need me to buy a house to fix it up.” They live at 105 Baywood, Hillsborough (San Mateo). I went home to Gammy’s and ate a delicious repast of chicken and raviolis and avocado salad. I called the Harbor Hotel for Christy and to my surprise she was there. She said it was nice that I was calling, and she said we could get together, she’d call tomorrow at 7 p.m. She sounded great – God, I love her! Pam called again and talked to Gam, but I wasn’t home yet. Pam said she’d call back. Only bummer’s of the day were Hock split by the time I called and Robin wasn’t home when I called. Otherwise things are moving along very nicely. When I first got back I wanted car, job, place to stay, got it. Now I want new wardrobe, girlfriend(s) to fuck and rock and roll group and to renovate a house for money.

November 21, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – I want to look my best and I think major changes are in order. E.g. – hair – new teeth – body building – dermatologist. Plus I’m considering spending money for studio time for myself. I was made foreman of the job, though only one worker, George, is there beside me. I had my sweet return of justice for all his criticisms over the last few days. Got paid the measly $92 for the last 2 days. I got a haircut when I got off and then I drove home. I called Christy and her husband John was there and I had to make some incredible story to him so she wouldn’t get in trouble. They were drunk. She told me to pick her up but I guess she couldn’t get away; I couldn’t find her so I went to a party at Rob Pisano’s. Mike Taylor, Pete Edwards and Tom were there. I kissed some girl I met Nov. 2 at Suzanne’s Party and I got her phone number (probably phony – I’m paranoid these days). But the same girl, Patti, was putting the moves on Tom and making out with Peter Edwards!! Can you believe San Francisco?? Well, I grabbed Suzanne’s hand and led her outside (a friend of Patti’s) and I grabbed her and kissed her for a few seconds and then she jumped back. Ha ha! Tom and I went out to the car and went over some songs and talked much about how we’re going to organize the group.

November 22, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – Today was Thanksgiving. Let us give thanks for all of our countless blessings in this world. Uncle Donny, Gammy and me went to Donna’s for a brunch at 11 a.m. It was delicious. Mike and Linda were there. At 3 p.m., on our way to Uncle Bob’s, I called Pam Butler and to my surprise she was there, and was very friendly. She said she’d call at Uncle Bobs. At Uncle Bob’s was cousin Sally. She introduced me to a friend of hers named Karen, who was about a 9. She was a total fox. Then Sally asked if we’d all four like to go out (her, Karen, me and Al, a friend of hers) after dinner for a drink. I said sure, but to my chagrin the date never materialized. It was a nice dinner. Well, I called Pam again and then she called back and said she couldn’t see me tonight but could we go out tomorrow night? I said that’s what I wanted to do, I’m supposed to pick her up at 6 p.m. tomorrow at Sue’s apartment.

November 23, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – OK. Worked by myself today. I picked Pam up around 6 p.m. and we chatted on our way to San Francisco. Gammy was such a dear heart and had the most fabulous meal of Chicken Fettazini, etc., prepared for us, with a bottle of chilled white wine. Dinner was a smashing success. After dishes, Pam and I bought a ½ gallon bottle of the same white wine we drank over dinner and she suggested we drive to a vista point on 280. I drove to where I took Irene last year and we talked about girls and boys and I told her how much I liked her rear-end and her body. A little after 12 midnight I dropped her off at her car. She gave me some copies of her magazine TV Facts and stood there. (The whole time we had been together I had wanted to kiss her so bad but resigned to myself that she could never feel anything like that with me.) But she just stood there like she was waiting and I responded by throwing my arms around her and she around me. Then as we left the embrace we kissed and then I kissed her soft lips and she was so feminine and pretty. I was in heaven during that kiss. Then she took my hands in hers and said she had a great time, looking as pretty as you can imagine, her eyes glowing friendliness, and I having my arms over her shoulder and said, “You’re sensational.” Then, she looked so soft and said, “We can have a lot of fun together, can’t we?” as if it was a pact like Toniça and I had made. I replied as emphatically, “Yes, we can.” She said she’d call me Sunday at 9:30 p.m. and she could introduce me to this guitarist and we could see each other Monday. I went to Hock’s and we discussed music.

November 24, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – 8:22 p.m. 708 Vermont SF. Funny how my real attraction to Pam since the night we saw Swept Away has blossomed in 10 days. I can’t describe how beautiful last night was. It’s almost like I feel empty today after that high of last night. When we were kissing I caressed her side and felt ramblings inside my zipper. It seems so hard to believe but it feels like such a strong attraction (for both of us). I never mentioned before but when we went to Mabuhay Gardens together we were all throwing popcorn at each other and I told Pam it was a sign of childhood affection to throw popcorn and she said that was rocks and so I said that popcorn was a sign of adult affection and she grabbed a whole handful of popcorn and threw it in my face on that night. I helped Mr. Szanto for a few hours and he gave me $10 and then I drove home to Gam’s and crashed out until dinner. I didn’t do much tonight except write an article for Pam’s magazine (called TV facts). The article is Disco Invades South America. This morning my Dad was telling me that the reason he dropped the rep business and the reason he is trying to build a multi-million dollar business is because of his kids and that if he got successful and I got an M.B.A. I could take over and if you knew my Dad you’d know he means it.

November 25, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – I’m upset because I’m discontent. I want a lover and a group. Gam mentioned that if she didn’t sell her gas station that we could practice there. Maybe I’ll ask her to use it until the property changes hands. I bought a Christian Dior bathrobe today for $38. That makes $170 spent on clothes recently. I think that I should score with a pretty woman soon because I have enough experience and drive. Things will happen in the love department. I’m pretty sure. I gardened today, had dinner at my Dad’s. Talked to Ted Aksnes about buying houses without much capital and renovating them. I’m gonna try it. I said my goals in the morning and they do motivate me. I keep getting letters from Renada, which reminds me, I’m not getting them from Toniça. I got to find a girl to love – I got a call from Pam about 9:48 p.m. and she asked what I was doing tomorrow night and she said she’d be in the city and give me a call about 5:30 p.m. I talked to Robin and she was friendly. I called Patti, whom I met at Rob’s party and tentatively she’s coming to get me Thursday at around 7 p.m. I called Lynn Yoakley, but her Mom answered.

November 26, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – Last night, the reason for my past record of success with girls became clear to me: Always treat them like friends – not girlfriends. With that in mind all else follows suit – 7 p.m. I might as well give up. Pam didn’t call. Lynn wasn’t home. All I do is dream of girls and nothing ever happens with them. I’m sick of it. I hate hoping they’ll call – Becky’s supposed to call. She probably never will. Boy, am I pissed! And sad – I’m so fucking lonely I can’t stand it. What am I going to do? Well, Becky called and we’re going to go out on Friday night at 7:13pm. I also called Patti and we’re going to tentatively have her come up here on Thursday night for a visit. I called Terri and she was friendly but said she couldn’t go out Saturday. I called Teets and she was psyched up to come out here, so I said I’d buy the ticket this week and she’s gonna come out on Dec 26th and go home the 30th. I called Christy and she said not to call cause of her husband. I’m lonely. All these calls don’t meant shit. I went down to Taylor’s and Clymer and Hockridge were there. Mike and I talked about Pam.

November 27, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – I painted all day. 10:14 p.m. Our view of life begins with the last 20 minutes. I called Taylor and he said Pam was there and said she said my article was brilliant. I’ll bet they are going to fuck tonight. Next 20 minutes. I called Patti and some girl said she was asleep. I’m beginning to feel like Godzilla or something. Why aren’t any girls after my ass??? I’m gonna drive to Reno and get laid or something. I can’t take this abuse!! Complain, complain. Life is so boring here!!! I gotta find out if Teets will sleep with me when she comes here. If she won’t, I don’t really feel like it cause the fare is up to $293. Lynn never called. I want to be in love. And I want a rock and roll band. It’s great having Mom and Vic here. Dad called and business seems to be picking up. One of my great new theories: I told myself today that Pam’s gonna be with Mike for awhile and then burn him and go with me. Well, we’ll see. Well, at least Connie still loves me. Just wait, World. I’m gonna be a goddamned wanted sex symbol around here. I swear, no matter what. The girls are gonna be callin’.

November 28, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – Pot party at Rob Hall’s in Half Moon Bay. Dinner at Clymer’s. Called Patti who was friendly and said she’d be up at my house at around 7:15 p.m. tomorrow. I called up and left a message for Pam Butler at lunch. She called up Clymer’s house twice before I got here. Also, though I didn’t’ find out till next morning, Christy called and so did Irene. I’m beginning to feel popular. The party at Rob’s was a lot of fun. We laughed so hard that it hurt. Hock quit our new group today but I suspect things will be back to normal tomorrow. I’m still lonely but fairly happy. I wonder how I’m gonna make it through the next years. Nothing satisfies me, I guess because I’ve never succeeded. Complain, complain. It’s hell working!! I’d like to be making love to a beautiful Polynesian girl! I think I feel like I want to escape!

November 29, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – Tonight I went out with Patti Hafft. We bombed around the city doing interesting things, checked out a Norwegian ship. Went to the top of Mt. Olympus, a little park near the top of 17th St. We kissed a few times but she wasn’t much in the mood, so nothing much more happened. She’s a real nice girl. My Mom told me that Christi talked to her for a real long time last night and told mom she wanted to see me and she said I look like a male Bridgette Bardot and that she looked like my sister. She told mom that I was great looking. Mom said she was drunk and wanted to see me. My fucking luck!!! The primo opportunity to get laid and I’m not there! My luck is gonna get better.

November 30, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – Today at work I was criticized heavily and I felt that I am on the verge of losing my job. It was awful during the day and I can attribute that to lack of rest, no breakfast and smoking too much pot. I’ve got to take better care of myself. But when I went down to Becky’s we just sat at home and talked for a few hours and I left around 11 p.m. We made a date, maybe for next weekend, to have her come to my house for dinner and then to go see Carol Doda!! Well, I wasn’t so depressed when I got back in my car. Becky makes me feel good. She’s attractive and sweet. Said she’ll be my mistress when I’m a rich young businessman. I thought on the way home, and as a result of our conversation about directions in life it occurred to me how much I’d like just goals in life – one for money and one for love.

December 1, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – One of the problems with my previous goals is that I always suspected they were unrealistically high. I propose my new goals: 1) To have personally owned assets of $3 million 2) To have three available lovers and a beautiful devoted mistress. I’m really simple and I know these goals are attainable and I’d be quite satisfied, so it’s off to work then. I feel amazingly set on them and relieved to have discovered them. I went to a party for Rob Hall, since he’s going in the service. I kissed some ugly girl named Jackie for a while and though I should have been embarrassed, I wasn’t because I was so drunk. But the most important thing is that Shockwave is our new group and Tom and I reorganized tonight and are planning on playing and recording as soon as possible. It’s a blast singing. I have just filled a large part of the emptiness that’s been haunting me.

December 2, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – It strikes me as strange that Tom and I have organized Shockwave almost four years to the day (!) as we organized the H.R.’s. I woke at his house and we practiced a bit. If we can discount age then my life is beginning over again in this important way. And, we are planning to take this farther than we have ever taken the H.R.’s. So, good luck to the boys! Mike Taylor and I drove around today, looking for houses for a lease/option deal. We found a few but not many. I went by and spent the evening with Star. Her roommate gave her crabs and she’s got hepatitis! What a bummer! But so we couldn’t make love. Nevertheless, I undressed and humped against her leg until I came. We had a great talk and a great time. She’s a lot of fun to be with. She builds my ego sky-high, saying how I’ll be getting a lot of girls.

December 3, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – Morning 6:55 a.m. I believe I’ll quit working for Orlando Trujillo. I don’t enjoy it at all. Perhaps he’ll fire me first. Monday night 10:49 p.m. I feel very philosophical. We can take as gospel a statement from one who has loved as much as me: Love is a Joke. It really is. Think of how many relationships have started with a joke, a laugh, a ridiculous suggestion of romance!! I finally have my mentality aimed in the right direction again. I mean, I’ve been taking it so seriously it’s no wonder I’ve had poor luck. Well, my serious era is over. I worked all day. Tom and I practiced tonight. I worked all day and it wasn’t bad at all. After work, I went to Jap’s Gym and began to weight lift and then for a cold dip in his pool. Tom and I are excited about what we’re doing. We’re going to try to record about eight songs in about three weeks. It should be fun. We area also going to try to recruit a band in the next few weeks.

December 4, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – Morning 7:10 a.m. – Just woke up. I’ll probably be late to work but I don’t care. I had to sleep a bit extra to be happy…. I got fired today and I am overjoyed! Today has been the most delightful day in as long as I can remember. It really is possible to spend a day happy and feeling good – not for any particular reason but just feeling good for the hell of it. I went by and talked to Taylor for a while and had a bite to eat before I went to Tom’s. We both felt a bit ridiculous singing up in his room, so I took a nap and then we talked and I convinced him to all but abandon the idea of just a duet and then it would be more beneficial for us to form a group and recruit members for a rock and roll New Wave style music. We made up a list of some 4 or 5 songs we’d like to do – some of them ours. This idea excites me very much. We are going to practice tomorrow at 7:30 p.m. You can’t imagine how happy I am that I’m rid of that job.

December 5, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – 10:09am. Next year is my 2nd year for Love. This year, my year for Adventure has taught me this: If you can always find your way home and find there at least one person who loves you, then, you are a lucky man! I feel my Personal Power growing and fortifying itself. Do you know that with this permanent in my hair and the way Patti out it that for the 1st time in my life I enjoy the way my hair looks. I’m overjoyed with the fact that I’m weight-lifting again and doing something about my body. I have $1500 in the bank and $40 on me. I’ve saved an average of $100 a week since I’ve been back. And all of a sudden I’m not worried about girls anymore. I’m just a delighted that I have a good ten years of powerful sex drive left with which I can love and have fun. Up till now I’ve been wondering what’s the meaning or purpose behind my life. It’s feeling the way I feel right now. I am free of anxiety. Granted, if you don’t feel like this life may not be worth it, but perhaps waiting and finally receiving this gift is worth the wait. Note: I’ve been doing a lot of Silent Treatments, Super Suggestions and Daily Declaring. I think Dyna-Pysch works after all.

I brought my Mom and Vic down to the airport. Mom slipped $20 into my wallet and Vic gave me $5 for “gas.” It has been really great having home here because we all love each other and the problems Mom and I had after our “falling out” are now healed completely and the ‘scar is stronger.’ I lifted at Jap’s Gym and I got totally exhausted from it. Tom and I got together tonight and talked to Kermit and he says he’ll help us record. Tom and I are psyched. Practice Saturday.

December 6, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – Love! What can I say but that it is strange what love does and how it hits a person at the weirdest times. I called Pam’s answering service and she called back and I wasn’t there and then I called and she was home and we made a date for 7 p.m. We went by Hock’s and drank Peach Maniacs and she kissed me. Then we got in a classic argument outside the show and I knew then she loved me. In the show she kissed me and then we made out a lot and we kissed a lot and cuddled and I said I love you. She said that also. She said how attracted she was to me and I said I was really attracted to her. We were kissy face the rest of the night. I’m so excited and jacked up!! She and I are gonna get together tomorrow. I’m supposed to call her at 12 noon. I called her (jokingly kinda) a “mere playing, to be used when needed” and “a toy.” Right after was when she kissed me. I called Lynn today. She says she ain’t the kind of girl to get married. She’s gonna go to Paris for 10 days. I have hope.

December 7, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – Note: Hock doesn’t think Pam is good looking but I think not only is she good looking, but that she has worlds of potential. Anyway, this, to date has been sweet. I will be interested to see if Pam ends up sleeping at Mike’s tonight as scheduled. Funny, but if she does, I won’t feel bad. It’s sweet because at the beginning Mike told me that he didn’t think I’d end up poking Pam and perhaps I won’t, but I don’t think he ever even suspected that it would get this far at all. For the record, Pam and I were telling each other how attracted we were to each other. She told me she loved my lips (and freckles). That’s the 3rd girl that’s told me she loved my lips in a month. Christy, Chris and Pam. She said we had a lot of time (to do stuff together – I guess). Every time I would say something sweet to her she would just hug me, or kiss me. I told her I admired her and then she said she admired me a lot – and I said I admired her very, very much. I told her almost everything on my mind and I told her that night we first kissed was one of the most romantic nights in the last year and she said she recalled saying “We can have a lot of fun together, can’t we?” In the movie (there were only 6 people there – we didn’t pay), I first said simply I love you. My day was bothered by sore muscles from working out, also by a slight hangover. I went down to Pam’s and she was saying how drunk she was last night and I sort of felt she was implying she didn’t really mean all she said, but with her you can’t tell. I went to Clymer’s and I played good pool. Afterwards Pam arrived. Clymer concurred that Pam is a butt-ug – well, about 5 Pam left to go out with Taylor – I guess to sleep over too. She’s on her period. Clymer and I saw her and I left around 10 dead tired.

[Editor’s note: as of 2009, am totally against wearing any artificial perfumes. I believe the body itself, if merely clean, gives off all the scent that is needed to attract the opposite sex.)

This is a paper dealing with the importance of cologne. I really believe that Jovan works. Jovan Musk Oil. It seems (and I’ve had 5 years of experience using it or not using it) that girls fall in love with me when I wear it. For e.g., recently, last week I decide to wear it to Rob Hall’s party with this in mind. That ugly chick Jackie fell for me I think. Moving right along on a more serious note: Last night I splashed tons of it on me in an effort to woo Pam. She, it seemed, couldn’t resist me – was it my cologne? It just appears when I look back over all the girls I have tired to woo that invariably, when I don’t wear it nothing clicks, and when I do wear it love happens. I am not saying the opinion expressed herein is any semblance of proof. You’ll just have to take my word for it- when in doubt, wear it. It just plain smells good. P.S. – When I told Pam how much I had wanted to kiss her on our first date she said that she had wanted to kiss me too but that she’s normally shy and that it was out of character for her to kiss me like tonight in the kitchen when she leaned over.

December 8, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – 9:51am. I sort of miss Toniça because, well, she’s the best lookin’ girl I ever loved, but I have really sort of resigned myself to the probable fate of never loving her again, though you know, I’m gonna try. If I had more money I’d fly her out here. I’m gonna call Monday night. I don’t know what I’ll say. I must mention though that this is one of the happiest most constant periods of my life – written 9th Dec.
As Hock pointed out tonight Judy was the best looking girl I’ve ever been with and then Toniça – but in a class by herself, miles above is Lynn Yoakley. After making love with such a beauty can one blame me for not wanting to settle for less? Can I blame myself? No! Gam is great. When I am down she builds me up – says it took guts and intelligence to travel as I have and that the reason that status quo society frowns on it can be summed up in one word – jealousy. Tom and I went to the city and I bought everything I needed, we needed, for our group – a new guitar and amp, Mike cord, stands with booms. We went back to his house and went over some songs with our usual added developments. We drank some beer and talked. It looks like the group is happening.

December 9, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – Just woke and feel great. Gam cooked me breakfast. She was pleased that when she came in this morning all the dishes were done. I told her the ‘Dish Fairy’ did them. My living conditions are great. I only hope she doesn’t mind me staying here.
Register a grand total of 13 hours of practice for Shockwave. Hock and I practiced 1439 hours in the Hopeless Romantics. I’m starting to read a book by Albert Einstein. It contains his views of the world – he was a brilliant man. I sure hope I can stay at my Grandma’s until the end of the Spring semester. I love it up here on this hill. It’s beautiful. There’s the park nearby and everything! I got my registration papers from school and I am accepted. I sure would love to play the bass instead of the guitar. I want to start back to work in eight days, after I’ve gotten up a place to practice, etc., and organized my life a little more during this coming week.
10:30 p.m. – I just got home from Dad’s and it feels like a good time to recap my situation. My moods are like a roller coaster but I can definitely make a few broad comments which are definitive. 1) The guitarist we tried out today is great. 17-year old Leathan from Palo Alto. He really is quite good. Pam just called and says he really wants to be in our group and I told her that we want him in our group. I can scarcely believe that Shockwave is becoming a reality. I am so plagued by doubt and fear when it comes to music. I want it as a career and yet I can never take myself totally seriously, and on the surface I don’t have much confidence in my abilities. Yet I don’t take myself for a fool. I must feel deep down inside that Tom and I have some merit. It made me feel good to know that Leathan thought we were strong in vocals. The more I hear that the more I think we really are exceptional as co-signers. I think our basic talents are our co-singing and our songwriting abilities. The comment was also made by Leathan to Pam that he felt his guitar playing complimented our vocals and I think he is absolutely correct. So, we seem to have a great, dedicated guitarist; now to find a like drummer and keyboard player. A place to practice is my goal for this week. Before the call from Pam at my Dad’s house I felt apprehensive about picking up my equipment tomorrow, but now I feel more level-headed about it. For one thing it is a reasonably sound investment. I can get a good percentage of my money back. Why should I feel like I’m spending my money carelessly? Leathan is a very competent guitarist. I hope he works out OK and is reliable. 2) Ted Aksnes was over for dinner tonight and we talked about restoring houses. This, I feel is a long-range project and I won’t be discouraged if it takes till next summer to find and move into my own house. If it takes years it will still be a wise investment of my time to investigate the subject of buying and restoring for resale houses on a leases/option basis. 3) My lifetime goals are as follows (and though they may be quite unrealistic they are possible to achieve, which is much more realistic than my billion dollar goals of a few years back): a) to have $5 million in assets b) to have an abundance of attractive, female lovers c) to earn my living making music. Those are my present lifetime goals. I have kept them short, concise and simple so that my pursuit of them may be the same. I must comment that my living conditions are very desirable in many ways. My grandma keeps telling me I’d better not leave and thus she makes me feel wanted. My room is very organized and thus it gives an organized outlook on life. I hope that I take full advantage of these wonderful living conditions and organize my life again from my little castle on Potrero Hill. Note: In answer to a strange little quirk I have going with my subconscious about reverting back to younger years subconsciously I get older. I am not on Potrero Hill. I am 8 1/2 and getting younger. Weird. 4) Romantically life is at a standstill and the physical discomfort is irritating but my morale is great considering because I know all it takes is a lover for one week to pull me out of sexual doldrums. I am starting to feel my freedom again and I am starting to realize why it was that I left New Orleans. – to keep from settling down too much. And I‘m feeling more sure every week that my decision was sound. Also, I consider that a large reason for returning in ’78 was to help out T and then there were more reasons I had to stick around. As much as I love T I think that I had never wanted to be in that situation down there. It was a digression. Nevertheless Tonica is my best lover to date and I would dearly love to convince her to someday come live with me.

My father told me that Lenora called a few nights back at 1 a.m. and woke him up. He said that she sounded hot to trot. I would love to get together with her for one of our stupendous love marathons. It was inspirational for me to talk to Lynn last week and I hope to be able to see and love her sometime within the next 2 ½ years. On the local scene Pam and me talk a lot to each other and it seems that every time I give up on her she asks me what I’ m doing on a particular night. I can definitely say one thing – that we enjoy each other’s company. I can’t help but feel that she is very susceptible to falling madly in love with me – can you believe my ego? – no, it’s just that she is so distant romantically for the most part except at certain times when we’re alone, and then she’ll open up to me, and when she does it feels pretty good and she changes dramatically and becomes quiet and loving. Then next time we talk she acts like nothing has happened at all. My analysis of the situation is that she is very shy about being romantic and thus she only opens up occasionally and then backs off, only to open up again. I feel as if she is feeling me out for strength and when she is satisfied that I am strong she will totally open up. Although I am making mere speculations I have sometimes surprised myself with my accuracy. I could see her and I being lovers. She said to call her tomorrow.
I received a letter from Moño, which surprised me. She says she is very distressed that I never received that package and she promised me that I will receive it as she will investigate. I was also pleased to discover I could read her letter in Spanish quite easily. I believe I’ll just concentrate on getting the group rolling, getting in school, and making money for now and if nothing happens romantically, by then I’ll look into it at that time. I am presently at a loss as to why nothing is materializing sexually at the present time. Do you know I’m quite superstitious? I keep finding myself looking for signs. As a general statement on sexuality I feel I am at the highest peak in my life in my capabilities, my desire and desirability as a lover. I don’t want to put a hex on myself by saying this, but I feel it is will only be a matter of time till I am getting laid righteously again. 5) Financially, I am not bad off. I believe I’m going to take a chance and buy what we need for the group. Unless the stuff gets stolen it can’t be that bad of an investment. I want to get a place to practice and have all of our equipment functional, well taken care of and properly stored. I hope that if need be I will be able to stay here the first semester while in school. I’m not ready to move out yet and I know it. As far as graduate work I may just do it at SF State. It would be quite convenient and cheap and I am all but assured of an admission. I’m planning on being a homebody for the next couple of years and see what I can get cooking. P.S. Pam got kicked out of her apartment cause the guy had a crush on her and he could never see her. Last subject of the night is Toniça: My present outlook on that little bundle of problems and joy is that I don’t think I’m gonna want to fly her out here this Xmas after all. I don’t think it would be a wise expenditure of my money. I got to call her tomorrow night. Maybe she’ll convince me after all. I still love her and I hope she’ll still want to see me next summer if she can’t come out this month. Yes, I love you, Teets and I’m glad we’ve been lovers and I welcome you back.

December 10, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – What a hassle picking up my guitar. They never took it off the floor and it got a nick in it and I’ve been scared cause they told me they had another one out back and I gave them my money and then they said they didn’t have another one and they wouldn’t give me my money back. Typical Guitar Center move. I did some clothes shopping and I bought Gam a bouquet of flowers. I am happy and I know a peace of mind I haven’t felt in years and perhaps in my whole life. My home life is so pleasant. I think that someday I will settle down. I was tempted to buy a bass instead of the guitar today but decided to do the simplest thing and keep the guitar.

December 11, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – A few days back I tried to call Chris but the line was disconnected. I wonder if she’s in the hospital or not. I should go by on Sunday and see. I lifted at Jap’s Gym today. I called Clymer and he doesn’t want Pam to come down. I spent most of the day preparing the backyard fence for painting. Dinner and lunch were delicious. I called Toniça and her mom asked me to come over (or home I think she said). She said Toniça don’t go out no more. I told T about the plane flights going up. We both want to get together out here next summer. She sounds so subdued. I really believe if I would have come back this month that T and I would’ve been back together. Maybe it’s just as well. I love it here – and from experience I know I never wanted to live there again.

December 12, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – I asked Gam last night if I could stay here my first semester and she said OK. So I’m happy to know my first semester back is totally taken care of. Hope Donna’s car holds up. I really wanna go to Europe next summer. Or have Toniça or Lynn come to California. I went out with Pam Butler tonight and in keeping with my luck we ended up arguing and she split early. Well, actually I wasn’t arguing. She was just bitching about how she didn’t have money, and how she wanted to go somewhere warm. I was trying to talk about how I wanted to get in her pants and she said that it takes time usually for her to be able to get that physical with someone. I went to Hocks’. His sister Jane wanted me to eat with her, so she paid for a bottle of wine and we dined together and I went home.

December 13, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – Looked over registration for school today and things are looking great. I’ve got my next 5 semesters all planned out and I’m very excited about school. What is really great is that I’ll be finished with school and starting my work for my Masters in Business come next fall – since I’ll be done with Math requirements and taking foundation courses only. I’m surprised that I’m so far along in college. I’ve actually planned well without knowing it and have already completed courses necessary for the completion of my Masters. I went down to Tom’s tonight and we fought and then I went to Dad’s. Dad’s hiring me for a job. Then I called Hock. He said to come on down, Clymer was coming over and he just bought ½ gram of coke. So I went back and we partied till 3 a.m. doing some of Rob’s coke in addition to all of Tom’s. Clymer’s got a cap on his tooth and his personality has more confidence already.

December 14, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – I’m three days behind in this dairy as it’s Sunday night at the time of this writing. I painted the fence today and I called Pam and we talked and I told her how I wanted to get in her pants. She said her and her friend would be down at a bar named Maloney’s and to bring Tom down, so, I said I would. Mike Taylor called me and being the honest (stupid) guy I am I invited him along. Then he acts like an ass and tells Tom and I how he’s “got Pam and Shea is sour grapes.” What a joke. So we get down there and Pam has got perfume on (expecting me) and asks me how Mike got there. God, am I dumb. Hock and I split. Taylor thought he was gonna take Pam home but he didn’t.

December 15, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – I worked for my Dad today. It was interesting. I did drawings for a figure he is trying to build. He’s making $26,000 on it. He says if I figure out how to build the mold I deserve a bonus. I was tired when I got home and after dinner I tried to drive to Mike Ragan’s party, but I wasn’t able to make it. I pulled over, fell asleep, and when I awoke I drove home. I seem to have lost my vitality and zest for doing crazy, sociable things and all I really want is to give my love to someone special, to lay nude with my beautiful female lover and to tell her I love her in French and English and to kiss her heart and breasts and have her kiss my whole body, to spread her legs to the splendor of my love.

December 16, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – Practiced with Tom and Leathan. We sound good for amateurs, but I’m afraid that’s all we are and all we’ll ever be. But I’ll give it this shot. I’m bored with the prospects of an ordinary life ahead of me. I guess if I find love I’ll get domestic about it, which to my deepest spirit is confining and repulsive. I went to see Von Trigger tonight at Mabuhay. That’s the band I was gonna join. I thought they were pretty shitty, and afterwards they were patting each other on the back. It’s sickening. It reminds me of us and I hate to think that we come off like they do and I suspect we do. I love my new guitar. Maybe our style isn’t Mabuhay. Pam called Tom’s today and said her and Valerie want to come over to Tom’s to party with him and I on Tuesday night.

December 17, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – As I close the day I am bright with hope. I talked to Toniça tonight for about 45 minutes: I’d like to write in detail and explain the conversation. Basically I told her I’d like her to come live with me in a year or two and it looks like it may be possible. She said I still mean a lot to her, she freely says she loves me, she say she has no one else and she says she’s not looking and for the first time I could tell she was telling the truth when she said or implied she didn’t have sexual relations while I was gone. When I was gonna hang up she wanted to know when I was gonna call and I said in a week or two and she said one week. When I said that she used to be romantic and that she’s just been hurt by me she didn’t say nuthin’ and I asked her if I hurt her when I went to South America and she said Yes. I’ll call next week. I was super-romantic with her and it seemed like music to her ears. But she is cocky! Worked at Dad’s today and I like it. Irene called. We’re gonna go out Saturday night to Mabuhay Gardens. Gammy keeps telling me how she loves having me there and it really makes me feel good and it makes me feel like this wonderful home is also a secure one. I’ve decided after all I only have one goal in life – to be the greatest lover in the world.

December 18, 1979
San Francisco, CA
¬Tuesday – For me, this is a very important day of my life. I’ve come to a decision which has taken me five years to make and one I hope will not be considered hasty. I’ve had every goal I could ever think of – money, love, cars, boats, mansions, plane, occupations, etc. – and I’ve had a problem – I have more focus points than I can handle. Adventurer, musician, etc. – so I’ve decided to narrow it down. I’m going to devote the rest of my life to being one thing – the Greatest Lover in the world (discussion next page). I worked at the plant in Oakland today – came home, had dinner, then went to Tom’s. We practiced for an hour or two, drinking wine. Then Pam came by. I kissed her. We went out for wine and we kissed a few times. We had fun talking with Hock, getting high. When we played songs she told us how good we sounded. I walked her downstairs and she stood there. I kissed her and we embraced and made out, kissing for a few minutes. I slid my hand down her chest and felt her left tit. I put my hand down and felt her ass, while we kissed. I put my crotch against hers and we swayed together. She said, “I feel like you’re trying to knock me over,” laughingly. I said: “I wouldn’t do that.” And she said. “We’ll work on this” – referring to our bodies touching in the night. I thanked her for a lovely evening and I said she was a joy to be with. She said, “You are too.” It was very romantic.

December 19, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – What happened last night with Pam makes me almost positive that we’ll be having sex within a few weeks. She told me we’d work on it (referring to the sexual part of our relationship). She turns me on. I really feel confident that she’s falling in love with me. Striving to be the Greatest Lover in the world encompasses all my other goals. It spurs me on to be a composer, because it is one of the best ways to win women – Adventurer to discover the different women of the world. Rich because it facilitates my purpose best. Then of course, follows health, sanity – I’ve got to keep in shape. What does the Great Lover in the World mean? Basically – to strive to be the best lover, the most winning male of all time – to have women flock in droves to me (I’m not ruling out marriage) – to love them physically better than all others – to love whom I see and desire – to love women from all nations – to love the rich and beautiful – the poor, the ugly.

December 20, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – I’ve been following a basic rule – it works beautifully – choose the Simplest Solution. My own new motto is this – When in doubt, Simple is Best. This is Thursday night. I’m staying home tonight and I’m not doing anything. You know, it’s pleasant! Life goes on, it goes along. Change is the only permanent thing. It will be interesting to note five years from now what I’ve gone through. I had a good day at work. I really love doing what I’m doing. I came home and ate and I played the guitar for a little while. I’m searching for something. Life must hold more than this. But I must say one thing: I love the security and warmth of this house. How I wish I had a woman like Teets to share this bed with me. I guess I’m being pushed into a situation where I’m gonna have to go out and scheme on women at bars. How gross! I hope next year is filled with love. This one has been filled with Adventure.

December 21, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – Worked today. Ted offered me a job. I will start at $5 an hour doing plumbing, electricians work, etc., and thus I’ll learn how to restore an apartment or house. Plus, he’s gonna pay me on billing so there won’t be taxes, and now I have a job during school. I called Pam and talked to her and she says she can’t see me till after Xmas because she’s busy. (So am I). Sometimes Pam gets aggravated with me! I called Darlene last night and today and I was supposed to call her around 5-5:30pm. When I finally called all I got was her soon to be ex-boyfriend Randy and I was embarrassed. I had a beautiful dinner with my beautiful grandmother and then I went out. I smoked a few joints and walked all along North Beach and Fisherman’s Wharf. I need a song and I figured out Start Lovin’ You. I also figured out this: That a large percentage of the time I’ve met chicks I was with my friends. My new motto, which I’m gonna try to apply: Surround yourself with Friends and you’ll surround yourself with love.

December 22, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – It’s ironic that by the time I finish my year of adventure I am living quietly in the downstairs of my grandma’s house. A few simple words of advice from the GLIW: 1) If you should feel like kissing a girl don’t hesitate to do so right then – it’s a good thing – simple is best. If you feel like doing it – do it. Don’t make it complicated – keep it simple – cause and effect if she turns you on – act. 2) Now, consider always the simplest means of achieving your desires.
I bought Gam a beautiful 1830 Imau Japanese dish for $60. I went out with Irene again tonight. I got very stoned again. I kissed her a lot and tried to kiss her like she should kiss me. I’m embarrassed to tell her she’s a funny kisser. We went to Mabuhay Gardens. There was a great female band there called the Contractions. Irene wants to go see The Jerk with me and she wants me to walk her through Chinatown.

December 23, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – Today I feel totally bitchin. I am amazed at how great I feel all the time now. It’s because I’ve got a home, a car, school coming up and a guitar and amp, a group coming up and no money worries. For the first time in my life everything seems to be coming together, mentally, physically, etc., and nearly all my problems are being solved by my own personal motto: Simple is Best. It really, really works. One important facet, girls, is also coming together. I can’t shake a premonition that next year is going to be my best with girls so far. I love the simplicity of my philosophy (i.e. a pre-determination from which your actions spring). If you feel like kissing her, or grabbing her tit, do so. Perhaps it’s fundamental to the reader, but for years I have put myself and the girl through all kinds of labors to get us to that point: the kiss. I’m looking forward to next summer and to go to Europe. I’ve more or less resigned myself to one thing: that no matter what we accomplish it’s necessarily a minute thing in the eyes of the universe. The humanoid is a small, small colony.

December 24, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – Nothing day. Just partied. I’ve got a great goal! To develop a sex exchange, where mature people go to find free sex with willing partners of the opposite sex. Sex is what I love most. But how real can your feelings be for a girl if you have to lie to get what you want. La la la. “I was scheduled for a brunette when I spotted a blond in the back.” I stole a shirt today. I don’t know why. I just did it. It’s the first time I ever did that in my life (and probably the last). But I really dig the shirt. Had dinner at my father’s house tonight. Talked to Pam. Apparently her sister is pretty foxy and I’m looking forward to meeting her tomorrow night. I woke up about 5 a.m. Xmas morning and I recalled I had these dreams about Potrero Hill a few months ago before I moved back here. I also felt really strongly that the spirit of my grandfather John was telling me I am special and to keep trying with my music cause I’m destined to be greater than the president and that John’s now on his way to heaven.

December 25, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Tuesday – Santa – Bring me a Scandinavian Blonde! Or just as well a fictitious girl I’ve been thinking of who’s got auburn hair and who loves me very well. Nice bod too. Woke up at 6 and got out of bed, unable to sleep. Also “John” said: For 8 years I have suffered for his sins and now I’m going to heaven. I found out tonight that John died 8 years ago.[Ed. Note: John Kambic was my grandfather. He had lived and died some years approximately eight years before in the room I was sleeping in at the time.] He also said that he’d never communicate with me again. It was all-imaginary but that fact, about 8 years, is interesting. Had a pleasant evening at Aunt Betty’s. The weirdest thing happened tonight with Pam. Tom and I showed up at Pam’s and her Dad said they weren’t there. Then they came out Pam and her sister. Pam looked like death. Her parents said a bunch of BS. I’m confused. They turned us away. We partied with Clymer instead. It was bitchin. Barely made it home. Talked to Teet’s today. Still coming next summer. God, I do miss the shit. I said I wished she was coming out tomorrow and she said she did too. Gonna call again in a week.

December 26, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday – Extra – Work was boring and awful, so I decided to make a good time of it tonight. Hock and I went out to North Beach. We smoked a few joints, drank a few drinks, went to Mabuhay Gardens. Out of rolling papers, I spotted a guy and girl smoking a joint and I asked them if they had papers. The girl said, “I do,” handed met the pack, and said, “Roll a joint and I’ll be up to smoke it.” So I returned to my seat. When she came to our table the first thing I whispered in her ear, “Can I have your phone number?” She said. “We’ll see later.” She left and returned and after we talked, I said, “Can I call you?” She said “Yes. Take my number down now. Can you remember it? 845-2 double 3, 1.” She was pushing her large tits against me, and I was gloating because she was next to me. The second band was great. Bennie and the Jets was their name and their lead singer Bennie was a real showman. Ginger lives in Berkeley and attends prep-school. Now I’m back home in my room. We need a place to practice. I was bored earlier tonight; now I feel fine, it was funny that out on the street, earlier, a nice looking chick winked at me, and I told Hock that when that starts happening, that’s when I know its an indicator that I’m getting hot again.

December 27, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Thursday – I’m sick of this life! I don’t really care about love or money or anything right now, except for one overwhelming – stop! Stop your bitching and complaining. (I’m having a fight with myself.) I went over Ginger’s this afternoon. I was too keyed up – if I had been myself more I would’ve gotten her to take me to the Cheap Trick concert, but instead she took Bennie. I’m coming out of my shell at last: at least I realize that there’s more to life than 9-5; this year is truly an Adventure. I’m forcing myself to look at myself and to become what I really want. In my home atmosphere I find encouragement (as opposed to criticism in every house I’ve ever stayed at before). It allows me to look at my actions, decide what is beneficial and not have to feel guilty at all. I went home and to bed early tonight because I was exhausted tonight from last night. But I am serious about changing. I’m very, very unsatisfied with my life. So much so that I won’t put up with it anymore.

December 28, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Friday – Extra. Today was really cool. I worked for Dad for 8 or 9 hours and went to Clymer’s. We played pool and I took a steam bath. “These experiments have told that the release of norepinephrine to nerve cells in the brain is interpreted as a pleasurable or rewarding experience.” Feeling good, must revolve around chemical releases in the brain. Well, this was an article I read. It got me thinking. “The end goal of all normal human behavior is to produce happiness and good feelings.” So, if you want to attract people you should act like you’ve got a lot of norepinephrine flowing around up there so that they think they’ll have theirs flowing if they hang around you. It’s the end goal of all our lives to have lots of norepinephrine flowing around up in our brain. With this in mind I went to St. James Infirmary with Clymer and his bro. I couldn’t believe my behavior. I was dancing up a storm. I had three girls ask me to dance. One got pissed cause I was already taken. Some chicks in a car on the way there came up to my window. “I wanted to look at you for a friend.” Well, I decided if I couldn’t get a pretty girl, I’d go for a fat one – so I did. Her name is Teresa and we danced a lot. She invited me to a New Years party. I drove 94 mph on the freeway.

December 29, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Saturday – I’ve just decided that I’m going to be the lead singer Jack Ladd for our group – I found out recently how much I love to dance and I can’t with that guitar strapped across my back. I can’t emphasize strongly enough how much I am changing. For the first time in my life, deep down I believe I possess the self-power to make something of myself. My current situation is at odds with the life I want to live; I hate just existing. I’ve decided that I need a new inspiration every day. I’m not the kind of person to rest on his laurels. I did some weight lifting today. Mr. Japs is funny. I’m glad he accepts me. Tonight Jeff came with me to a party Teresa invited me to, but she never came. I swear, girls are turning out to be such a disappointment. When I find sincerity and thoughtfulness, I’ll love that girl, but as long as this inconsideration exists, I won’t tolerate it. They’re fools. They’ll probably all flock to me at once. That’s the way they are.

December 30, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Sunday – One more day to go and this year will be over. What I have to do musically is really quite simple. I know the road. It’s just a matter of time. A place to practice will set the stage for all else that follows. Fate has whatever it has in store for me. All I can do is to do things right as I see them. Where women are concerned: they are my sole inspiration. If I ever make it big it will be a fire stoked by love. Only their affections can spur me on to big things. I slept the entire day. Uncle Bob, Aunt Eileen and Cousin Sally came by with dinner tonight. Sally was very interesting. We had a great talk. We decided to start doing stuff together. This sets the state for meeting her friend Karen. Sally told me to call her. I practiced a few hours in the evening. That always psyches me up. Teresa just called me. I like fat girls too. She apologized for not having been there. Well, I said I’d call tomorrow in reference to tomorrow night’s affairs.

December 31, 1979
San Francisco, CA
Monday – I just woke up at 7:30 a.m., realizing I forgot to take the garbage out and I put it in the back of my car to dump it. Driving around I saw an abandoned house for sale. It looked just right. It’s on this hill at 630 Missouri. I’m gonna look into buying it – Note: it costs too much. My parting words for 1979 and the 70’s: I got some weight lifting in today at Japs Gym, took care of some things and then rested up for the night. I picked up Tom and we fought and I quit the band. We went in to Penny’s party, Tom left shortly after with a sure-fuck and I left to go see Teresa – but before I did I asked a girl named Jeannie to go to Mabuhay Gardens and she said she’d love to. Seeing Teresa was the low point of the year. I left my license at home and we went to St. James Infirmary, so I had trouble getting in. I’m tired of drinking and partying. I finally got inside and Teresa kept asking me what was wrong, so when she went to the bathroom I picked up another girl named Regina whose in the Navy. We went to my car and made out and she left me and I drove home disgusted that I can’t find love.

Parting words: Next year is my year for Love: in 1980. I want to complete 30 units at the University, get the band playing, and either have a distant girl come visit (Toniça) in the summer, or go to Europe myself, and I’d like to find sex and love. But I’m starting to think it’s impossible.

1975 – He travels safe, and not unpleasantly, who is guarded by poverty, and guided by love. – Sir. P. Sydney

1976 – Usually speaking, the worst bred person in company is a young traveler just returned from abroad. – Swift

1977 – Nothing is so easy as to deceive oneself; for what we wish, that we readily believe.

1978 – In the lexicon of youth, which fate reserves for a bright manhood, there is no such word as fail. - Bulwer

We mount to heaven mostly on the ruins of our cherished schemes finding our failures were successes.
– A.B. Alcott

1979 – Rather see the wonders of the world abroad than, living dully sluggarized at home, wear out thy youth with shapeless idleness – Shakespeare.

Scandinavian Blonde
I feel so good and cool and fine
A little tired of drinkin wine
I want to fuck till the sun comes up
With a Scandinavian Blonde

Ever feel like a whore – but liked it?
I’m never bored – and I like it
Having fun – being a bum
I gave myself to the lucky one
I’m never bored and I like it

I feel so good and cool and fine
A little tired of drinkin wine
I want to fuck till the sun comes up
With a Scandinavian Blonde

Tired of scum – but I’m just a bum
I give my all to the lucky one
I’m never bored and I like it
I want a beautiful girl to love
To make me feel like I was sent above
I’m never bored and I like it

I feel so good and cool and fine
A little tired of drinkin wine
I want to fuck till the sun comes up
With a Scandinavian Blonde

A woman is a knife with three blades – one is what she says, another what she thinks and another what she does.
– Sergio told me this one.