May those eyes that pass beyond this page be eyes of honor.

“It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”

“Enough is abundance to the wise.”

October 10, 1989
(S)
7:00 p.m.
In the back of my mind, I am looking at my life, at “reality,” at my aspirations, at the world’s problems, at the worth of human endeavor generally, at the possibility of divorcing one’s views from one’s conditioning, at the seemingly hopeless odds of grasping what the stuff of life is made of.

November 13, 1989
(S)
Mon – 7:33 a.m.
I take pen in hand again because writing affords me pleasure; to think, to reflect, to record. Though but an ant on an infinite globe of sociality and meaning. I cannot help but think that my thoughts are important in some way. Just as I am watchful of my possessions, it is as if by writing, I can tuck away a few more pennies of thoughts, and thus not waste away the fruits of my stream of consciousness. In this society which has become a battering ram of information and I the recipient of bombardment, it is nice to put down my own thoughts as if it some sort of output to counteract the incessant input, and therefore whether man’s creativity will ultimately crumble and turn to dust, or if each bit of his creative output is as if the fitting of a new piece or the turning of a screw of some mighty vessel of humankind which will lead it to God, or at least, bring it to know the answer to some fundamental question, such as what is the essence of life, or Why are we here, what is the nature of matter and the universe?
Whatever the relative worth of my writing, it at least compels me to situate myself in this chasm between consciousness and understanding, so I either folly, or I turn that mighty screw one more notch.

~~~

November 14, 1989
(S)
2:24 a.m.
I want something in my life greater than achievement- I want transcendence. When I get there, I will not say “Look how great man is…” I will be, a part of me anyway, silent. It will peer into the soul, the ghost of the Universe. I will be gentle.

~~~

How will I achieve that Transcendence?
I thought, 6 years ago, to write a “system.” This was basically a means to evaluate how one achieved a state of Happiness. A set of components – vitality and contentment – was derived at as being two necessary states to be happy.

November 18, 1989
(L)
I don’t understand Phyllis’ behavior. For example, yesterday, when I left a message saying I’d be late, she accused me of not wanting to spend time with her, she accused me of putting a business matter before her. Then she said that she couldn’t spend time with me tomorrow because she was going Samba dancing, and she couldn’t see me Friday because she was going dancing with her friends. Then after she said I was invited. Then when I said I didn’t’ want to go, she got very upset. Then she said she’d changed her mind about Saturday, which as the night she was supposed to treat me to a night of pleasure and seduction.
I feel she’s so incredibly unfair and I can’t see how she is blind to that. She made plans 2 nights with other friends and then she gets mad at me for making plans 1 night on an important matter, then breaks an engagement she previously made with me. I mean, if I am willing to let her make 2 nights of her own, should I not be treated in kind and why does she think it’s justified for her to break a date with me?
The whole thing is so patently unfair. She is terribly inconsiderate. For example, to turn the thing around, I have been waiting to find out when she could make it to have dinner with my Grandmother. If I was to behave in kind to her, I would just make a date with my Grandmother for dinner, then tell Phyllis I couldn’t see her because I was having dinner, then later to invite her, and then to accuse her of trying to punish me because she didn’t want to come.
Every time something like this come up, she says she doesn’t know why we’re together, she wants to break up. God, how many times have I been cursed with the same thing? I seem to endlessly deal with women telling me they want to leave but they never do: Phyllis ½ year of this, Kelly ½ year of that, Mandy 2 years of that. Obviously, I’ve got a problem. Either I pick the wrong women or I am terribly unreasonable of which is probably the truth.

December 4 – 7, 1989
(S)(F)(A)
What a potent thing a diary is! Potentially “dangerous” when it is snooped through. Yet I shall lay down the facts as I see them at this middle time of life in my 35th year.
My mind is reeling! There are so many things to do, so many choices to make! The world is full up before me, at my feet; just through this doorway I see, almost as if I can just step through it, back out into the world once more, and there to stay.
Five years ago this month on Xmas eve, Judith and I landed at San Francisco. I had a goal in mind which I didn’t take seriously then - if I could amass $100,000, I cold travel indefinitely on the interest. The interested would be about $10K a year. I had traveled for 26 months on 10K. I could reinvest the portion of the interest, which I didn’t spend. The tax rate on $10k is almost nothing.
Now, due to good fortune, that dream is realized. What else have I done in five years?

1) Bought a house.
2) Traveled to the following countries, which I had not yet visited.

i) Ireland
ii) Greece
iii) Togo
iv) Ghana
v) Ivory Coast
vi) Mali
vii) Niger
viii) Portugal
ix) Gibraltar
x) Morocco
xi) Algeria

And I have revisited the following countries:

i) UK
ii) The Netherlands
iii) Israel
iv) Kenya
v) Tanzania
vi) Burundi
vii) Zaire
viii) Spain (2 years)
ix) Peru
x) Canada

At this rate about 2 new countries per year, I could jeopardize my goal of going to every country on Earth.
What else have I done?

3) Compiled a journal on India.
4) Compiled a journal on New Guinea
5) Upgraded my studio equipment
6) Upgraded my clothing
7) Practiced photography and worked on developing my photographs and connections and understanding.
8) Helped my Father achieve his financial goals
9) Traveled with my Father.
10) Bought stock in Sterling Imperial and Ventalert.
11) Upgraded my home.
12) Upgraded and codified my tribal art collection.
13) Hiked in the Sierras - four times to Pinecrest – once in Sierra National Forest – twice outside of Tuolomne Meadows.
14) Bought a van, driving a911 Porsche, a bicycle.
15) Bought basic households: leather couches, refrigerator, dishwasher, stove, washer dryer, television, bed.
16) Bought tools: circular saw, power miter saw, ladder, hammers, screwdrivers, drill, topping/mudding knives, drill set, grinder, pliers, bolt cutters, Allen wrenches.
17) Codified my slides.
18) Traveled to Texas about 8 times.
19) Set myself up in a 90+k year contact for May 1989 – May 1994.
20) Been appointed Exec. Vice president.
21) Fell deeply in love with (beautiful and wonderful) Phyllis.
22) Prior to item 21) I made love with new women:
a. Mandy
b. First girl from Rite Spot.
c. 2nd Girl from Rite Spot.
d. Mengie (Nairobi)
e. Girl Arusha (Tanzania)
f. Girl Bukavu (Zaire)
g. Bijou (Goma)
h. Girl in Lake Manyara (Jan)
i. Bernadette (Goma)
j. Girl in Kumasi (Ghana)
k. Peggy 1985
l. Tina.

23) Prior to item 21 I fooled around with.
a. Leah
b. Girl form Union St./Twin Peaks
c. Cleaning girl Mexico.

24) Started Sheaco with my Father.
25) Recorded Spunky and Computer Man.
26) Put together an Asset Inventory listing.
27) Wrote extensive ordering software for ATS Products.
28) Key player in sale of ATS Products to investors.
29) Taken African Dance

Of all the goals I had, I returned on Xmas in 1984, because some of them I consider unfinished:
1) To make a professional recording of Spunky.
2) To publish journal on New Guinea.
3) To Show Slides to a large gathering.
4) To Write an article on West Papuan Revolutionaries.
5) To Import silk from Varanasi India and shawls from Nagaland.
6) To take a “Gemology” course.
7) To revisit PNG to find specimen of butterfly.

The situation of my life has become increasingly interesting since about May 1988. At that time I met Sterling Lanier though Nick Feakins Sterling and Lambert became interested in buying ATS. In June I met Phyllis and in July I broke up with Mandy and became steady with Phyllis. In September Lambert made an offer on the company. In Oct/Nov, I traveled abroad. In December Imperial Bank became involved. In Jan. Phyllis and I moved in together. In Feb/Mar I went to Peru met Phyllis there, and came back together. In May, the company was sold. The business went poorly for a couple of months and our relationship with the Buyers was shaky.
Now it is December. I have had a few thought or instincts about the above.

1) Before the company was sold, I felt that the sale was the doorway to a new level of existence for me. I wanted the sale to happen. There were just so many good things that could come of it. One, I would immediately have enough cash to reach my goal of $100K.
2) I would have a higher salary and ongoing payments that would yield a high yearly total income.
3) It would give my Father security.
4) It would give a finite time span to my obligation to work for ATS.
5) It enabled me to buy the Porsche for book value and get over 10K car allowance a year.
6) The lawyers and accountants agreed I could legally do a 351 transfer to attain a trade for new stock: so I was able to retain a 10% ownership while liquidating 80% of my 15% ownership in ATS.

The only real downsides I could see were as follows:

1) If the company exploded with revenues, I would have been giving up my birthright so to speak; but this didn’t bother me too much:
a) I knew the risks of business, especially ownership in a small business, never stop and that the road would be filled with challenges
b) I still owned a good share of the business, and if it did grow I would stand to gain.
c) Had we not sold I knew the difficulties of trying to take money out of a business even if it was successful.
d) If the buyers didn’t make good on their payments – but we had so much secured on paper it didn’t seem like too much of a risk.

Besides, the whole transaction met my idea to always hold on to part of an ownership in something that had made good.

2) That once the company sold, the first hurdle was to collect the first non-compete payment, (which proved to be difficult) and the second hurdle was to collect the 6-month payment comprised of the non-compete payment and the balance of the stock purchase price – another 25-80K –

3) If I got past these hurdles, I then would need to think about some road issues and some specifics:

One, would I buy the Porsche and collect $900/month car allowance or would I continue to let the company pay the expenses and own the car. At first, I considered that I would “lay low” on this point because I had already made a windfall and this wasn’t crucial and also the payments were more important and I didn’t want to be avaricious especially because the company wasn’t doing well. At the time, I didn’t know that I get to deduct car expenses before paying tax which makes it very favorable to effect this option.
On left the analysis shows a net cash of approximately $11,00. If I purchase the car for $8,500, $2,500 is the net cash to me over what I would get if I bought the car at zero salvage value in 5 years (or 4 years?)

Actually, if the salvage value goes to zero in five years from July 1988, I would get the car for free and about one years car allowance anyway = $2500, so either way it looks about equal. The matter is one of Risk. I feel the expenses may be lower than shown. I guess I need to find out what would happen if I bought another car could I deduct its expenses instead.

Two, I would need to see how much money I’d have left after taxes. My estimate is approximately $170K, though, given my level of spending it could be higher. After my taxes are paid, I will have a new comfort level with where I’m at. Let’s just say that I’ll be sitting on about $160 after the deck.
Just for a quick fix financial, if I paid off my loan I’d have the house income

That’s a real “close down shop and go fishing” scenario, with more precise calculation:
This is sort of a worst case, I think. In any event considering that I would have a home completely paid for, that’s pretty nice.
Certainly, if I liquidated for $250.
Which is slightly better, but I lose my hedge with real estate values.
Interesting how these figures work out.

In reality, what I’d probably do if I closed down shop is to just take about 10-15K and stay away as long as I could, then come back a few years later and rest up for a while.
But that leads me to consideration #3.

Three, what to do I do next? This covers some broad area. First, refer to chart on left for goal-oriented activity. If I work according to my present contract, I want to travel during my 3-5-6 weeks of the year. I want to use these years to concentrate on producing music that I can market. Also, I would like to (Heavy Local Adventure) use the time to get very fit physically and be exploring the N. California countryside, do a lot of mountain bike riding.
An alternative is to modify my working arrangements. I would not consider this until after the taxes have been paid on the acquisition, but after that time (Ap. 90) would consider talking to both my Father and Sterling and see if they would mind to allow me either a onetime sabbatical of 3-6 months or that on a regular basis (yearly). If I was able to effect this, I would want to invest the time covering new tracks around the world. I would plan to invest more time into photography and use the extra time to begin new projects, which hopefully could support me at the end of five years.
Another plan would be either a planned or forced upheaval with my status at ATS. If the company was ongoing, I would hopefully collect 45, 40, 37.5, 35 as an income for four years. This would be a remarkable opportunity to travel and have an income, which I would hope would be supplemented progressively as I made progress in new areas.

My Personal Life
Now the conversation moves to a more personal, fundamental examination.
The real question in this evolution is what I want to do with my life. I have some basic common needs some specific desires, and some dreams and some present life situations that need evaluation.
While I am reluctant to write exactly how I feel, and have avoided this in past years, I feel the time has come when I need to be totally honest about what I think and feel and to communicate it in a forum such as writing, where there are no rebuttals, no interference and where I can later reflect on what I have written.
If my opinions herein sound strange or harsh, it will be the chords of brutal honesty, for I must get to the fundamental of my life.

I do not look at life as something I want to get through as best I can. I view life as a spiritual experience. I want to approach my life in such a way that if everyone followed this approach that the world would be better of, a better place to live. For example, if I make this stand in my life to pursue my dreams and not let social opinion stand in my way, it may be easier for others to have a fulfilling life.
My dreams are out there I must evaluate now.

My basic goals devised in 1973 were, in short form:

Finance
1) To be a billionaire.

Entertainment
2) To be a famous musician/songwriter

Adventure
3) To be a great adventurer and see every country in the world.

Love
4) To be the “greatest lover in the world.”

I listed a series of specific financial goals such as – to own a Pantera Sportscar – to own a large mansion (which, come to think of it, probably itself would cost a billion!), but, in essence, these were the main thrusts: to be rich, to be a great adventurer and songwriter and to make love to the most beautiful women in the world.
I gave up reciting these goals – I think I did so because I became convinced that I was retarded materially compared with people generally and that my insistence on these “far-fetched” ends was the retarding agent!
I think I should look at what I want again.

Number one, I found something I love very much: to travel: When I’m traveling, when I have no schedule to return, it is for me a mystical and wondrous escape from the drudgeries of my “western” existence. For me, this is an absolute.
Regarding the idea of being wealthy, I think it is something to aim for, but this goal, while I think I should keep it in the back of my mind, is balanced by my natural liking for life as it is. I would rather be a traveling millionaire than a person staying in the office with a million striving to be a billionaire. I have some level of doubt about whether it is even possible to control your financial fate. It seems to me that opportunity and luck have a lot to do with what happens. So in a way, I have not occupied my mind a great deal with this. Again, I think the more money, the better.
Music is a question mark. On one hand, I know that I become entranced making music. I feel confident that inside myself there is something great musically, and that under proper circumstances I could make something of myself in music.
This is offset in some ways. Back in the 70’s I classified my goal as “Master Entertainer” and so it wasn’t restricted to music. My interests have naturally broadened. I am interested in Music, Photography, writing and maybe even a visual art, such as music videos.
A few thoughts.

1) I have periodically envisioned still paintings in my mind, which depict major life paradoxes, sort of symbolic paintings. I’ll give an example (adjacent page) when I think of one. Anyway, sometimes I thought to myself; maybe when I get older, I will take up painting and carry out these images. Then, I made a connection between this and music videos – could I incorporate this imagery into videos.
2) Years ago, probably like 1974, I heard of holographs and I would visualize giving concerts in which I would throw off holographic images into the sky (in an open air stadium) and multiple self-images into the audience. Then last week I saw ‘Back to the Future II’ and they did a trick like this (Whether or not it was real) that jarred my memory.

Photography captures my fancy. I also like it for the fact that once the image is created, it can be reproduced over and over. I can see that it could be very lucrative.
Music itself has been an evasive target for me. One problem I have with it is that I view it as an indoor sport, and during my free time I would rather be outdoors.
An interesting side note is that when I met Sterling, who once owned the Record Factory record stores, I put a seed of a plan in the back of my mind. When talking with him, he confirmed and elaborated my notions of the “business” of making music. As he sees it, it is virtually all hype (“marketing”). Strangely enough, I made a connection with an earlier fantasy. I used to fantasize that I would (The H.R.’s would) find our own Brian Epstein. Epstein was a former record storeowner who became the manager of the Beatles. And the fantasy runs that the proportion of the Beatles success to the size of Epstein’s small record store would be the same to the size of S.L’s record store chain. I thought that during these 5 years I would put my music package together, sell Lanier on it, and convince him to manage the business end of it. I have no doubt he would be good at it.
But music has lost some of its allure – no not music itself – but the thought of getting famous by it. At one time I revered the Beatles – they were incredibly famous for their day – but then I’ve seen how they’ve fallen from their stature. The music they produced after their split up never had the same verve or held the same excitement as it did when they were together.
In fact, it all seems kind of outdated and silly. That was an adjustment for me to realize.
Then there are so many famous people who 20 years later, let alone 200, have survived in the minds of the popular. A few have undoubtedly held a presence that seems eternal. Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Brahms, Chopin. However, I never heard of the famous violinist Paganini until a few weeks ago.
When I am working on my house concerning myself with the texture of a wall, I then reflect how narrow a slice of life I often confine myself to – like I’ll get lost in the mediocrity of the masses. Then to think of what it takes to be great, and how I never even got my foot in the door to make one record let alone have it sell! It almost makes me foolish, and then I just keep believing that I can do it and that stubborn wish of mine just keeps on living.
In any event, the one thing I always wanted was one gold record. It still seems attainable.

Another aside: Whatever goal levels I set up for myself, I wonder: I satisfied myself in school with A grades based on 90% or more. At one point I realized that 100% wasn’t the highest that could be achieved. There was a 200% and a 1000%. There was no limit. 90% isn’t good enough. If you want to excel you must go beyond the required level of excellence – if you want to Master something.
In many ways I am much, much better equipped to succeed in making a record than I used to be.
1) My studio equipment is the best it has ever been.
2) I am more financially stable.
3) I am a better manager.
4) I have a more realistic sense of how to get things done.
5) I have my own house and my own room to do it in.
6) I have better contacts.
7) I have a much broader picture of what makes things tick in the business world.
8) Computer based music is possible and in vogue and I can use my math and computer backgrounds to expatiate my progress.

I want to get a computer for music. I think I will have fun and be good at it.
I will take my steps to develop the perfect music, where from Sterling’s business perspective, it is all hype, from my perspective, I need to have something to sell. I see myself plodding (like the turtle in “the turtle and the hare” perhaps) towards that goal.

Perhaps the most crucial question is my love life: where do I want it to go; what effect does it have on the other goals? I think the effect is profound.
Phyllis and I made a pact early on:
1) That we would not talk about each other behind the other’s back.
2) If we needed to talk about it, we would go to a professional person, a counselor or psychologist.
3) That we would never travel for pleasure without the other (After Africa and Peru).
4) That we would be faithful to each other sexually.

We have been operating under these premises for about a year.
To put it bluntly, my feelings have changed. I am having practical difficulties with some of our plans. The reasons:
(1) I felt if we weren’t going to travel without the other, that we would certainly need to concern ourselves with how to finance our travels. So I tried to interest her in the import/export idea; but even when we were paying her to pursue this (while I was in Africa for example), I felt it was pulling teeth.) I can’t expect her to understand the urgency I feel about life, but it seems she does not share that vision. It would be unfair to accuse her of not being cooperative – I just feel she doesn’t understand the reasons we must act quickly. I have seen the enlightenment of something I cannot express – this drives me – as much as I would like PF to understand, I cannot force her – and yet in many respects she seems to have the aptitude.

If she is into a career and unwilling to share my vision of our life, we are severally hampered in pursuing travel. I feel the net result is that I deny myself travel until “she is ready.” I feel she doesn’t understand – she says, “Why do we have to do everything you want to do? But she doesn’t grasp that what I do is to listen to what we mutually agree on and then devise the fastest route. (Maybe that’s what she means – let’s devise the route together.)
In summary, I feel that the pact regarding not to travel alone has a codicil to it, unspoken that is, we must cooperate with each other to the fullest and take pains every day to further the progress of the dream.
If I had the pact to do over again, this condition would be made a part of it.

(2) Part of the reason I wanted to do the pact is under an assumption that we respected each other and were harmonious. There was a time that we never argued. All this has changed. No doubt, our arguments have turned her off as well. However, the bottom line is that I do not intend to ruin my precious moments with petty arguments and discord. At the time, it seemed we had the perfect relationship. Since then, we have fallen prey to what seems a common problem, petty fights. This bears further examination, but for right now, I will move on with this list.

(3) As far as being faithful to each other, that was predicated on a few beliefs:
a) That we would be harmonious.
b) That we would always give our all to the sexual act - our lovemaking was sensational.
c) That she would continue to totally get off on me – that she would continue to think I was a fantastic lover.
d) That I would be totally accepted and understood by her both sexually and otherwise.

To be fair, I don’t know for sure what my long-term reaction would be to a monogamous relationship – on the other hand, in my mind there is little doubt, given a woman as beautiful as I find Phyllis that I would be more apt to be focused on her if all the above conditions were met. But let me not talk in terms of blame or excuses – let me focus on my internal voice.
The fact remains that I, deep inside, would like lots of pussy. I have many unfilled fantasies – to make love with young women, girls, old women, women with big breasts, absolutely beautiful women, women with lots of pubic hair, foreign women (Chinese, Japanese, New Guinean, Arab, Russian, Swedish, Finnish, etc.) two women at once, three at once, four at once, and so on. I think this is part of my basic makeup. I can be persecuted because of these desires, I can be outcast, but I don’t think that changes how I feel deep inside.
I have all these crazy needs – needs to be able to flirt, to dream of other women, to feel free, to call on old friends. Even right now I am hungry to eat Judith’s pussy. She had (the best tasting pussy I ever ate and I long to put my face between her legs (there, I said it!)
I wish I could tell all the ladies how I feel about them! I wish I could be absolutely free:
BUT!
I wish I could keep Phyllis’ love.
I wish that all the good female friends I’ve had that were lovers could remain both friends and lovers and that I could live in one big house with them coming and going – a big house where I could love them all freely and they could love me.
Let me fantasize:
If I had such a situation, my present home wouldn’t do – because the neighbors would ostracize me – they wouldn’t accept. To do this properly I would need a place where it wasn’t obvious who was coming or going. Also, what would I do about my friends and family? They would reject my lifestyle. Then there is the law. It is my understanding that in San Francisco, sex is on a “willing partner” legal basis. But I think it would be hard to do in San Francisco. Outside of SF, it seems it would be illegal. In Arab-Countries I could have four wives, provided—-

“The World is Flat. I tell you, Man, I know, I have fallen off the edge.”

~~~ Outlandish ~~~

–I treat each one equally. So what am I left with? I could go to Africa. I believe there are places where it is still possible to have as many wives as you can afford.
OK, anyone reading this would think I’d flipped. Look at Brigham Young! The Mormon Leader had countless wives. (I may have the man wrong and obviously the number of wives was countable, but the point is that respected people lived like this.)
One question I have is how would the women react? I suppose that a totally free society would allow all kinds of situations. (OK. Everyone, fill out this form:
How many times a week do you want sex?
And then match people accordingly. (Again, the point is exaggerated.)
It is funny now to ask myself these questions – for now I can see there are some practical problems with finding a place to do this! (Remember a few years back the authorities had a shootout with some stubborn Mormons living with more than one wife! I think some men were killed!!)
I think I have made my point – in my darkest secret desires, I am a polygamist.
The practical point, not mentioned is the void of loneliness. On one hand, it is beautiful to think of what I would like. On the other hand. Another possibility is to lose the best thing I ever had. (Phyllis), to end of old and lonely. However, what I would prefer to do is to express my thoughts and see what I could work out.
Let me turn this part of the monologue directly to Phyllis. This part of my life causes me both the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain. I wish I had only one view, a streamlined all – encompassing view, but didn’t change. As it is, I am vacillating all over the place. I do realize that she is in many ways the most wonderful woman I ever met:

1) She has by far the tightest pussy I ever felt
2) She is “gallant” and romantic.
3) She complements me more than any woman I ever met.
4) She has a gorgeous body to me it is a sublime work of art.
5) She has pretty eyes.
6) She is smart as a tack.
7) She can make love (when she wants to) like no other –she squeezes her pussy when I come – she sucks me so nicely – she is at one time a lady and so lusty.
8) She shares many of the same common interests as I do.
9) She has good taste in design and clothing.
10) She is very personable, she makes a good impression
11) She is a good dancer.
12) She is generally very affectionate.
13) She appears loyal.
14) She is very orderly
15) She is generally industrious and so on.

But nevertheless I have some problems with her.

1) She gets very annoyed with my behavior. This puts her in a bad mood and it makes me uncomfortable. The way I take it, it seems like she thinks she has a right to correct me and evaluate me – it makes me feel like she thinks she is in charge, like my boss or something. I feel as if this is not appropriate and if she would feel a proper amount of respect for me, she would not be inclined to do that. Yet I suppose it is quite likely that has nothing to do with it.
2) She sulks. It drives me crazy. She would say she is thinking. Maybe she got the habit from me! Anyway, it is unpleasant to be around and it doesn’t go away until she gets good and ready to let it.
3) Simultaneous with the above two comments, she asks argumentative penetrating questions, a few of which I will list:
- How can you say that?
- Why are you being like that?
- What did you mean by _____ ?
- I saw that look. Why did you roll your eyes? Why did you look like that?
- What are/were you thinking?
4) These questions can often be accompanied by insults:
- You are being an asshole. (Why are you treating me like that?)
- You’re so unfair (How could you say that.)
- Why did you have that look on your face? You’re just mad because I didn’t make dinner for you.

Under this barrage I find it hard to both:
a) Give a cogent answer.
b) Maintain my feelings of goodwill.
c) Communicate period. She will often offer the same insults repeatedly.

The above four events can also be accompanied by:
5) (“Leave me alone.”) She will walk away and often, if possible lock herself into a bathroom, closet, etc.
6) The above five events may be accompanied by her slamming a door.
7) She might cry.
8) She seems to expect some sort of control over my affairs and she will ask me inquisitive questions:
a. If you buy your Grandmother’s house, are you planning on putting my name on it? (Reply: I hadn’t thought of it.)
b. If you died, I wouldn’t have a life… would I get your house? I think it’s only natural that I should be concerned with my living situation. (Reply: I feel uncomfortable talking about this – I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to ask more than once [she’d asked twice.]
c. When are you going to ask me to marry you? Or “Are you going to ask me to marry you? (Reply: If I wanted to marry you, I would have asked.)

She will occasionally surprise me with “expectant” questions that makes me feel that something is expected of me that I’m not sure I want to give.
For example, I spent over $4000 for furniture and the cleaning girl and Phyllis came down to look at the chair. I had been working all day and it was evening, and she asked if I would carry it upstairs and I said no, (It was quite large), and I made the wry comment that if I did we’d never put it downstairs again and I told her I was tired. Then she asked if I would buy another one for the upstairs. I said either no or I didn’t know. Later she told me how mad it makes her when I tell her no in front of others. I suggested to her if that as the case that maybe she shouldn’t ask important questions of me in front of others. Does she expect me to say yes just because it is in front of others? No. She says she just wants me to be nice or tactful about it. OK, that sounds fair. But I try to be nice about it but it either comes out wrong or I take it wrong.
I don’t feel at this point that I am willing to give control of my life over to another person. I am somewhat confused: on one hand, the “thoughtful Phyllis” I believe to be totally fair and honorable – but she is not in that “thoughtful” mode all the time. I don’t know how to handle her expectations.

9) She has a blind spot and lack of sense of humor and balance when it comes to men and women, her aunt and her uncles’ divorce, the duties of a household, shared work between a man and a woman, and I even feel afraid of the sort of “black widow” syndrome that I hear may exist in her family women.

I worry about her role models: her Mom divorced her Dad it seems with the attitude – he is all wrong – Her Grandmother had “bad luck” with men. Her Father she considered faulty and was on the outs with him for years. She considers her aunt totally right and near perfect. I feel she is unrealistic about her aunt’s contributions to their wealth. She says that her uncle wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without her.

i) Whereas, PF claims that her uncle never did anything for her, she also says her aunts jewelry collection was over $1 million, the house was in her name and I was at her 50th birthday party where her husband had a popular local entertainer sing.
ii) Aunt was planning a divorce behind his back, “looking into it.” Husband found out she was seen in a restaurant with a strange man. Blowup occurred. What should he think?! She was plotting against him!
iii) She is asking for the hotel, $400,000 in cash. She already has the house. Then the daughter is wondering why he has backed away from his promise to pay for her college education or honor the papers for her car. The aunt proposes to leave him a wood plantation in the Amazon plagued by terrorists and a langastino factory that is apparently ailing. I don’t think the women understand that $400,000 cash would probably clean Felipe out completely.

I see a pattern here: whatever you do for “them” is expected. Whatever you don’t do for them is a shortcoming on your part. This scares me.
Phyllis presently isn’t paying any rent. In a confrontation once I told her that I wanted her to pay rent. She never did and I never made a point of asking again (though I believe I mentioned it once). I had told her when I asked her to move in that I didn’t want her to pay rent “because I wanted to feel comfortable about her working on the house.” Later she said how she would’ve worked on the house for free but my attitude made her feel uncomfortable like I expected her to do it. I am satisfied not to receive any rent, but when she starts to demand my possessions or control over them, I feel uncomfortable.

December 8th, 1989 (continuation of last entry)

(10) She sometimes makes promises that she won’t keep. For example (in conjunction with item 9), when we started work on the house, it was my understanding we would work on the house together. When it became apparent that a lot of the work was unsuitable for her to do, she said, “When the walls get ready, I’ll do the painting.” She also said she would paint the doors. As the weeks went by I had to keep reminding her of the task. When I kept reminding her, she didn’t want to do it because I had made her angry or because she felt I reminded her too much or I expected it. Finally, I offered to prepare the doors for her, so Mike T and I both prepared the doors. Finally I painted some and she helped. The final panting I ended up doing a lot or most of. As time went on, the situation deteriorated.
She had painted a rosy picture early on of all the things she would do when she moved in and when she took her job. She was going to iron both our clothes each night and in the morning they would be ready. Whenever I mentioned that she had promised and didn’t do this on a regular basis, he reason for her not doing it became my “harassment.” When I asked what the reason was prior to that, she claimed she’d never intended it to be for sure. Not the painting, not the doors, not any task. Ultimately she said that she wanted to start fresh and forego all previous promises. Each step heightened my frustration.
Dinner was another one. Since I had to spend virtually all my free time, working on the house, she was asked to make dinner on a regular basis. Some weeks were better than others. If we weren’t getting along, sometimes she’d just fail to do anything about it. This aggravated me because I felt like it was a fair exchange, and something we’d talked about and agreed to. It was not unusual for me to get up and work for a couple of hours before work, then work all day, then work at night til midnight. If we were going to be a team, we were going to have to follow our duties through thick and thin.
I was just waiting for the day when I was done so I could kick back a bit, and I feared that she was going to expect me to help out 50/50 in the kitchen when I was done on the house. Sure enough, the morning of the Thanksgiving weekend that I announced I was going to finish, she brought it up. I kind of winced and said we could discuss it later - but that was all it took to get her angry. She wouldn’t let the subject alone. She wanted to ask me why I had a “look on my face” etc. – This kind of questioning, which is so much worse an offense than the original “wince” seems highly unfair to me. If she would have just dropped it, everything would have been OK, but she was so outraged that I would have a “look on my face” that she badgered me until I in turn blew up at her. I told her she “was out of line.” I wish for once she could hear something like that and agree.
Anyway, I would say that in the last two weeks she’s made dinner twice, ironed my shirt maybe once: to her credit, she takes care of the laundry and looks after a lot of stuff.
I’m worn out criticizing her. Let me see if I can summarize all I am saying about my sex/love life in a few concise pages.
The things I find hard about interacting with Phyllis are:
i) She seems to have resentment build up inside of her, so when I do something to annoy her, she doesn’t have a built-in buffer of patience.
ii) She displays her frustrations in a variety of unproductive ways: She sulks, she slams doors, she locks herself in closest, she insults me, she yells, she uses vulgarity, she refuses to do work, she asks the same argumentative questions without giving me time to think of an answer, walks away from me when I am answering her or in the middle of a sentence, or claiming she’s creating an issue out of one thing when it is really something else that is the problem.

The good things I find about her are:
1) She’s pretty
2) She’s intelligent
3) She’s got good style sense.
4) She has an open mind.
5) She’s compassionate.
6) She’s affectionate.
7) She’s considerate.

What I want for our relationship is:
1) To grow to be absolutely best friends in the world.
2) To be beautiful lovers to each other that fulfill one another totally.
3) To live together in peace and harmony.

~~~

December 11, 1989
(L)
I am still in the quagmire of resolving my personal life. I guess I cannot determine this alone. I’m speaking this way because Phyllis is having doubts about our relationship, ostensibly because I told her I would consider going traveling and/or making love to Judith or other women. In a way, the whole issue is interesting because -
i) If she hadn’t sworn at me and disrespected me so much, I might never have shown that side of myself;
ii) The act of showing that side of myself to her makes me feel closer to her.
iii) It also makes her feel less close to me.
iv) It begs the question why she disrespected me so much to begin with – what was the reason for her lack of fairness? Was it because she was immature or truly wronged by me.
v) The process is putting me in touch with my feelings of love for her and I am able to make love with more love in my heart.

December 12, 1989
(L)(S)
This is a funny time of life. On one hand, I feel slightly as if I am not acting rationally, and on the other hand I feel as if I am as rational as ever and see a “window of opportunity” in relation to my future life. Maybe my ambitions are not as farfetched as my conservative self would like me to believe.
On one hand, I want Phyllis as a sort of wife. That is, a wife in every respect except that I don’t want the legal ties and I want a few twists in the recipe. For instance, I want to be best friends and confidants – which I would beg to differ with anyone who says this is the norm – I don’t think and can’t see how the western ideal of romantic love can possibly admit total honesty. Secondly, I want to be able to take other women as my “spiritual” wives, (just as Phyllis is). Further, I welcome the concept of the extended family – a take-off on the primitive extended family and evolution beyond the nuclear family. One in which we would share a common compound with our elders and the young. Where a man whose spiritual wife is impregnated by another man becomes the spiritual father of that child.

December 19, 1989
(L)
My life with Phyllis has reached a crisis point. We fluctuate between a most exciting relationship and a confrontational one. I have certainly changed my posture towards the relationship, though I’m not sure that the change is altogether negative – in fact, it may be quite positive – but it is certainly different.
On one hand, we have a great time together. We like each other’s company and can go whole days together blissful.
I’ve got a few problems with her that I wish I could resolve:
(1) I am afraid that somehow I will lose all or part of my fortune to her through palimony, alimony, or some sort of unjust occurrence. I would love to share with her while we are together. I just don’t want to lose what I’ve got.
(2) I wish we could set up some way that:
a. We were faithful to each other except:
i. When we were traveling in foreign countries, we could make love to others.
ii. Sometimes, by special arrangement we could make love to others.

(3) I could travel short term by myself.
(4) If I traveled long-term that after a given time, say 6 months, I could start collecting full rent on the house.

Fidelity/Sexuality:
Potential Problems with extra affairs.
1) Disease.
2) Pregnancy
3) Leaving the other for another
4) Socially ostracized
5) Someone hounding us at home.
6) Hurt egos
7) Getting into untoward situations
8) Unfounded legal claims

Potential solutions to these problems:
a) Limiting our affairs to outside US and with foreigners: reduces risks of 3,4,5,8 and even 6.
b) Using good judgment: reduces risk of 1,2,6,7.

A, includes not giving out our address, not telling friends. B, includes using birth control methods or condoms when necessary.

December 20, 1989

(1). Disease:
i. Make love only to virgins.
ii. Have lovers test for disease.
iii. Use good judgment in who you sleep with, for example, find out what their experience has been.
iv. Use condoms.
v. Test yourself afterwards.
vi. Get medical attention.

(2). Pregnancy:
i. Pills
ii. Condoms
iii. Coitus interruptus
iv. Abortion
v. Oral sex.
vi. Other birth control methods

(3). Leaving one for the other:
i. Foreign lovers
ii. Strong relationship between ourselves.
iii. Limit our experience to cultural or spiritual.

(4). Socially ostracized:
i. Foreign lovers.
ii. Don’t tell anyone.
iii. Don’t give anyone our phone number or address.
iv. Limit your experiences.

(5). Someone hounding us at home:
i. Don’t give anyone our phone number or address.
ii. Foreign lovers.

(6). Hurt Egos:
i. Limit your experiences to cultural or spiritual.
ii. Do it for the “right reasons”
iii. Having a strong relationship.
iv. Concentrate on our own sex life.
v. Limit your experiences in number.
vi. Limit your experiences in nature to cultural or spiritual.

(7). Getting in untoward situations.
i. Use good judgment.
ii. Get to know the person beforehand.
iii. Choose safe places.

(8). Unfounded legal claims:
i. Foreign lovers.
ii. Getting to know the person beforehand.
iii. Birth control methods.
iv. Don’t give anyone your phone # or address.
v. Good judgment.

I can’t fault Phyllis for what she’s going through. The last thing in the world that I want to see is for her and I to split up, or for her to move out. However, I also know in my heart that I cannot control all events. Love, like life, takes its own course. What I can do is to try to respect what her reactions are to my crazy ideas. To respect her, to be patient, to be considerate, to be honest, to give her my time when she needs it, to try to see her side of things, to be myself. That’s where I have been making mistakes against my own interests - I’ve been ignoring these basics because I feel ignored by her or that she is inconsiderate. I’ve got to put a distinct line between my behavior and hers. Otherwise, what results in the ping-pong effect disallowing each individualthe opportunity to act at their best.
If I were to say to Phyllis “I never want to make love to another woman again” I would be misleading her. I haven’t acted on it. If I was to not mention it, I would be misleading her. It’s another thing to say, “I am going to.” I realize that this is out of the ordinary – yet when you think about it, people –
a) Cheat and
b) Change relationships all the time.

Then I ask: What’s important – the substance or the form. If the acceptable form is: “Oh sure honey I only want you forever” and then to turn around and be saying that to someone else next year, then it seems a manifestation of a sick society. Or, if the acceptable form is to say that while you’re banging someone else! That’s sick too. Or, is the acceptable form to say that to her but to turn around and tell your friends how you’re dying for some “Strange.” Then cowardice is acceptable, and that’s sick. Or, if you just think it inside, just supposing you actually do remain faithful for a lifetime – then I still ask, if that is at least honorable, is it desirable? And how many people fall outside these categories? That is, how many never stray in mind and body for a lifetime? Then how many couples are there that both “achieve” this bliss?

December 22, 1989
(L)
Maybe Phyllis had a similar thought, but I will say dramatically that a change was present when I got home. We went out (on my suggestion) and got an Xmas tree and a bite to eat. Our lovemaking was incredible. It felt so good. I licked her clit for along time before. When I finally put it in she felt so small and I so big.

~~~

I am not so much concerned with being famous as I am with doing something that makes me worthy of being famous. So, for example, I want to take the best photographs. I want to concentrate on producing the best art. The virgin influence of non-commerciality may allow the soul to penetrate the painting of whatever canvas endeavor I set my mind to. I will strive to be the best, even if I am not recognized as such.

I’m taking a break here to go home, but when I get there I’m going to, have a different attitude. Number 1, I’m going to act in a way I can be proud of. I’m not going to be dishonest, I am going to be a source of strength. I’m going to respect her decisions. If she wants to leave, I’ll respect that. If she wants to talk, I’ll be there, patient, I’ll be a friend.
~~~

I really couldn’t believe it. (I’d never felt so big before!!)
Basically, I would say that I was a real gentleman to her.
She responds very well to.
(1). When I am a gentleman that is, being:
a. Courteous
b. Patient
c. Spending time with her
d. Giving her my best

(2). When I pay attention to rituals.
a. Putting up an xmas tree.
b. Being friendly with her friends and family.
c. Showing excitement at her calls and arrivals.
d. Wanting to do things together.

(3). When I’m easy going about her doing her “own thing.”
a. When she spends time with others.
b. When she takes care of her own business to the exclusion of making dinner or doing the ironing.
c. When she meets her family obligations before ours.
d. Making her phone calls.
e. Forgetting her promises.

Getting back to my previous discussion.
Since this is a general evaluation of my life, I would like to expand this subject of fidelity for a moment.
The focus of my life is Freedom. More specifically, it is the development of my personal freedom.
In order to bring my life “back” to where it should be, there are more things necessary to do than to rectify my problems in relation to fidelity. I need to:

(i) Be free to travel
(ii) Work no more than 3 months a year in a 9-5 environment.
(iii) Be free if I chose to be friends, close friends, be affectionate or love any woman I chose.
(iv) I need to be in an environment and lifestyle where I exercise at least two hours daily.
(v) I need to be doing my music an average of 3 hours a day minimum for a 3 month period every year.
(vi) Have in place and be working on a plan to travel to every country in the world.
(vii) Be working on having my artworks published: photographs, music, writing, poetry.

December 26, 1989
(S)
1:15pm
I’m going to start again at the beginning. What are my priorities? Where do I want to be in 5 years? What do I want to do in 1990? What is the outline of the near future?
Decisions.
1) Car - Should I buy it from the company or not?
a. If ATS goes out of business, I write a note to ATS for the car. I don’t pay unless I get paid. In the meantime, I amortize my car expenses $900/mo.
2) Africa 1990. The plan would be to go to Serengeti for 2 weeks.

3) Personal Data:
Develop own Bio Rhythm Chart including the following tracking: (Things which I wonder their effect)
Sleep
Alcohol
Sex
Work Office
Exercise
Diet
Leisure
Times of Waking and Sleeping
Effect of uninterrupted or interrupted sleep.
Well being level
Level of heightened awareness
Energy level
Accomplishment Level

I want to fine tune this over time and make it a life time or long term study. And to concentrate on the significant nuances.

I am vexed by:
The wide range of my goals.

I want to be a music star. Included in this scope: (of entertainer).
Video Star
Movie Star
Recording artist.
Songwriter.
Writer.
Screenplay writer.
Philosopher.
Poet.
Adventurer.

Maybe I ought to go to Kazanjian and analyze why I have such a division between what I want to do and what I do, or at least how do I extricate myself and relocate in a new life?
I think this is an excellent suggestion because I keep making long term goals about music (and writing and photography) but nothing substantial ever seems to materialize. I’ve always tended to be a late in things. Maybe on my life cycle I’m late in developing my artistic talents – but I better get this project going before too much longer. I need to arrive before the party’s over.