1996
198 pages

Preface

I have changed some of the names but not most in this journal. Given that I have not contacted them, these people may wish to remain anonymous. At the beginning of some entries you will see just a name. This usually indicates a record of girlfriends that I called that day. [Comments in square brackets mean editorial corrections/clarifications.] [!!!] indicates passages above in which I felt there was one or more significant statements. The following symbols often appear at the beginning of entries to mean, respectively, [L] = Love, [E] = Entertainment, [A] = Adventure, [F] = Finance, [S] = Spiritual/Philosophy. This is for the reader to quickly identify the subject matter to be found under that day’s entry.

Jeff Shea 2010

JAN 1996

Feel awesomely great. The biggest thing is that lately if I start to worry about something that just seems like neuroses, I just ask myself: why am I torturing myself, and then it helps me gain perspective.

January 1 MON San Francisco

January 2 TUE San Francisco

January 3 WED SAN FRANCISCO

Haruka, Mei

Note: My general feeling of well-being felt like about 50000; I feel freed from the “need” to give myself a hard time dwelling on things.

January 4 THU San Francisco

January 5 FRI San Francisco

January 6 SAT San Francisco

Amber, Snezhina.
Feeling great

January 7 SUN San Francisco

January 8 MON San Francisco
[L]

Mei called me, asked me to come this weekend.

Amy and I reached a height about this time. I cannot explain exactly. I can say that when we made love tonight I pretended that I was making love to Amber. It was a high, high. The whole feeling of lustiness that she would spread them for me.

January 9 TUE SAN FRANCISCO
[L]

I have been enjoying the ‘pictures’ when I make love. That is, I pretend I am making love with the most comely of women.

January 10 WED San Francisco

Haruka

January 11 THU San Francisco

January 12 FRI San Francisco

January 13 SAT SAN FRANCISCO
[L]

Snezhina. We almost made love, but she stopped it. She says she is not well. She loves me a lot and feels slighted that I don’t want “only her.” I try my best to be nice, but she is so negative and demanding that I am getting weary and don’t enjoy her company.

January 14 SUN SAN FRANCISCO
[L]

Haruka, Zaneta:[made plans for Prague]

If you read over under “partners” I describe a little what is going on. Amber has said Uh-huh before to my question as to whether she loved me. But tonight after I saw her I came home and felt so strong that I wanted her, I missed her. I was hungering. I called her. I told her “I love you.” She said, “I love you too.” I was floored. We are actually falling in love. I went to her house in the afternoon for an hour. She admitted that she wanted to make love to me but said that the fact that she was married was holding her back. She asked me if I wanted her to get a divorce. I said I did, but only if that was the only way she would make love to me. I really am excited by her. She gives me herself in little drips and drabs. Once in awhile she lets me have a little more closeness and I feel very excited. I stripped in front of her. As she turned away on the couch, I rubbed my penis on the back of her neck and wrapped her long hair around it. Before, when I had first unzipped, I removed some fluid from the tip of my penis and rubbed it on her hand, and tried to rub it on her lips, but she moved a bit. The whole time she is resisting, she soon smiles. That is why I keep at it, because I sense that she likes it and only resists out of shyness. She asked on the phone how I feel around Amy. I said I feel happy, that Amy is very good to me and that I love her very much. She asked how if it was different between us. I [said I did and] told her of my excitement and the feeling of falling in love. She said that she was happy for me, that Amy took such good care of me. She said that if I am happy because of Amy, then she is happy. I love her so much for saying that.

January 15 MON San Francisco Ma Dan:[arranged date for 30th Chengdu]
[L]

After seeing Amber tonight, we talked on the phone. I said that I would be able to be happier with our non-sex status if she would touch me until I had an orgasm. She said very softly, ‘Yes.’ I was feeling that we crossed a bridge.

January 16 TUE SAN FRANCISCO
[L]

(I am not sure it was exactly this day, but the figures are more or less in keeping with the trends.) This past week I have been running every day about 5 to 30 minutes. I find this is very helpful in keeping me feeling good and I seem to have regularly good sex with this rhythm of daily exercise, cuddling, then coffee in the morning. I am happy with Amy. She has the very softest skin I can imagine and is very warm. Her tits always feel luscious. Anyway, if it wasn’t today then it was right around this time that I was fucking Amy from behind laying on our sides. It was very good but not a pinnacle, but when my orgasm came it was overpowering like I have never felt in this particular way before. I had the image in my mind of a young woman. I pictured the smells of a young fresh girl and the skin. I fell away and spurted up to my upper chest. It was like “falling away,” such an incredible feeling.

January 17 WED San Francisco

Haruka [upset] .
Things very nice with Amy, in the back of my mind missing Amber.

January 18 THU San Francisco

Mei: [made final plans for Shanghai], Haruka early morning :[made plans for Tokyo]
January 19 FRI San Francisco
[L]

Amber and I made out in the car in Burlingame. It was the first time we really made out. She touched my penis, first my jeans, then my underwear, then my penis directly. We kissed, I even put my tongue in her mouth towards the end, where at first she had resisted. Her lips are very sweet. We made out within the time frame about 7:30 to 9:30. I have to try to overcome frustration at times because we are not fucking at this time. I feel her crotch through her jeans. She still will not let me touch her breasts even through her sweater! Things are progressing nicely. The first moment she began touching me (after I led her hand there) was very, very sweet. Still, I like to be free and proactive in my loving and I feel I have to sort of sit back and go slowly to give her a chance to get comfortable. I find it more exciting to be the aggressor. Overall, it is very sweet, and even though we haven’t had sex I feel that we are already lovers. I keep suggesting to her that she suck my penis. She keeps saying no, but somehow I feel that she will be willing. Maybe she has never done that before.

January 19, 1996
960119 (Recorded 960120 on the way to Tokyo but kept as a separate entry in light of the news of today about Gammy. The elation of yesterday [1/19] should not be recorded on the same page as the sadness of today.)

My life is incredible. I cannot believe that I have been able to successfully prepare for this month away from home. There are so many details that I had to look after. After awhile I felt (in the past week) that I was performing my myriad tasks from a standpoint of “feeling my way” on them versus “thinking my way” through them. There were so many details and it felt like my auto-pilot was working pretty well.

Tonight (Friday night) was my last night here. The elation I felt after making a $ 77,000 deposit (bonus and payback) in my checking account and an incredible day at work, an incredible week for that matter, put my head into the stratosphere. I drove down to see Amber __, or as she prefers to be called, Amber ___. I convinced her to drive to Burlingame because I had found a place there on Wednesday, Bayside Park, where the parking lot was dark. A policeman was there but he did not bother us after I asked if it was O.K. to park there. Amber and I kissed. Amy called me and I talked with her for some time. She was upset and suspicious that I was going to come home late again. Amber sat there as I talked with Amy. But I wanted to be with Amber, I wanted her to touch me.

I went to Amber’s side of the seats and had us lay side by side. I brought her hand to my jeans. She pushed my hand away and stroked my penis through my jeans by herself. I opened my pants one button and she pushed my hand away and wanted to do it herself. When my pants were open she stroked my penis through my underwear. I lifted up my underwear and she touched my penis itself. I held her hand harder against it because I wanted more pressure. She made a comment like “you don’t like the way that I touch you.” I reassured her it was not true. I felt her comment was disruptive to my mood.

We made out and she touched me but I was no longer hard. I was mostly feeling hunger. It seems to have a direct effect on my horniness. Also I prefer to be the aggressor, but I have to lay back a little and give her free rein to give her a free field in which to become intimate. I suppose there might be plenty of time to have a free field for my passions with her, if by giving her a chance to grow into it, she becomes my lover.

I must say unequivocally that being with her is super sweet and wonderful, and the only current drawback is that we are at different speeds. I want to fuck her wildly and she is still learning to kiss me.

In fact she indicated (a week or so ago at Lyon’s) that she only kissed one person in her life (Jack) and she didn’t like it much so they didn’t do it. She also indicated, when I questioned if she liked to kiss me, that she did like it with me. Way in the beginning (a few weeks ago) I had licked her neck before we ever kissed, and I felt that inwardly she liked this very much. I also several times rubbed my lips around her neck and cheeks. I don’t think she had ever felt anything like that before.

When she began to kiss me at Lyon’s last week, she seemed under-confident and that she felt she did not know “how” to kiss. I told her that she did not need to know anything, if she only sat there and let me kiss her that it would be wonderful. Actually, the first time she ever really let me kiss her was when we said goodbye at Lyon’s one night. Then the next time I saw her she backed off from kissing again until the last minute when I was able to kiss her more. The next time I saw her in Foster City. She also resisted kissing then, but let me do some. The first time I really felt her coming to me in a way I felt “we were kissing” was when I visited her house on Sunday. When we said goodbye I felt her actually kissing me, but even though that was sparse.

Then I saw her on Tuesday in Foster City. I was able to kiss her a little more. Finally last night (1/19) it was actually making out. Now I started a new stage, that of putting my tongue in her mouth. To this she resisted and asked me what I was doing. I told her it was a natural way of kissing. She even kind of let me do that as well. But the point is that she was actually kissing me last night for extended periods. I felt we were really making out. I put my penis in her hand and humped her, pressing my full weight against her. I felt our perspiration, the heat, like we were making love. But I wasn’t really very erect; I was uncomfortable, hungry and out of sorts because of the lack of actual sexual satisfaction with her. Prior to that she laid on top of me. Her legs straddled my leg, I had my hand on her ass. We kissed. I kept my head stationary. She, I believe, felt comfortable with this, since she was able to be in control and kiss me without restraint. I received her luscious kisses gladly, with hunger for them.

When we had to go, I said (in a typical burst of nonsensical pseudo-insecurity!): “You don’t love me anymore?” She said: “Why would I be doing what we’ve been doing if I didn’t?”

I told her I would miss her. She said that I wouldn’t because I had my girls. She seemed genuinely concerned that Amy not be upset. And she seemed genuinely at peace with the fact that I am seeing and in love with Amy (and others), while at the same time she seems to be honest that she would like to be in Amy’s position.

I feel very, very lucky. If I could imagine that I could have a wonderful lover like Amy and a mistress like Amber on the side (who knew about Amy and was willing to accept my relationship with her).

It seems a very unusual, rare and delightful situation to contemplate.

When I left today (1/20), just before I got on the plane, I called Amber. I told her that if she felt something really special with me (which, I said, I felt from her) that I felt the same thing with her. I told her I loved her. She said that she loved me too. But she said it in a shy Chinese way, sort of like she felt it but it was hard to say but/and she said it for my sake. I can only imagine what it would be like to fuck her with the passion I feel for her petite, beautiful, soft, lovely body.

So much else is going on too. I look with jaw-drop amazement at the upcoming trip. Somehow I have managed to arrange to be with Haruka two evenings in Tokyo, then Zaneta two days in Prague, followed by a night with Mei in Shanghai, then a day with Ma Dan in Chengdu (whom I met on my expedition when the Lhasa-bound plane was diverted to Chengdu for two days due to high winds), back to Shanghai to see Mei for two more days. Then a week with Amy in Vietnam and Cambodia to visit Angkor Wat, one of the world’s seven wonders. In between these visits, I will be a few nights in Newcastle and a night in Beijing, without planned female company.

When I showed nude photographs of Mei and Ms. Nguyen to my friend Glen he said he didn’t like Ms. Nguyen ’s looks because she looked hard. I asked him what he thought of Mei. He said “She’s beautiful, very beautiful.”

January 20 SAT enroute to Tokyo
[L] [S]

Amber, talked with Angela. She’d given me wrong date of Carnival!

I found out this morning that my grandmother has been diagnosed with either lymphoma or leukemia. Deeply saddened.

Talked with Amber. We said we loved each other. I asked at first whether she still liked me. She said she did, then added “Very much.” I sense a deep love from her. It’s nice that I can be open with her about Amy, but Amy senses someone; I won’t admit it as I think it would just make things difficult with no advantage to anyone.

(RETROPSECTIVE… Another diary entry the same day….)
enroute to Tokyo
Today I got a call from Mom who told me that she had some news and it wasn’t good. She said that Gam has been diagnosed with either leukemia or lymphoma. Mom said that Gam has opted not to have any further tests nor any further surgery. She said that the doctor said that Gam only has three to six months to live.

I told Mom that I was glad that Gam has opted not to have the tests nor the surgery, which Mom indicated were both extreme. I believe that I understand Gam and how she feels. I think it is the right decision, for I would rather she her live out her last days in a natural death than to have to her suffer the indignities and devastation of chemotherapy and surgery. I guess it is in keeping with Gammy’s spiritually uplifting way of being able of letting go of things. I told Mom that I had been preparing myself for years.

When I got off the phone I told Amy and went to hug her and I welled up in tears that came from my heart spontaneously without warning. I cried like a baby in her arms while she comforted me. I stopped and said to her that I wish she would have a baby in two months so Gammy could see my child. I realized then that there is no way to prepare for the loss of one so dear as Gammy.

We drove to the airport and there was a line that was so long I would have no time to visit Gammy, so I told the staff about the situation and they kindly took me first. Amy and I went to Gammy’s. When I opened the door she beamed up from her chair. She had a green scarf around her neck. It was a very special visit. I felt animated and very attentive. She told us what the hill was like in 1910-1915. She said there was a saloon on nearly every corner of the hill. On the corner where I live there was a saloon which was also a store and boardinghouse. All the young men from the old country (Slovenia) went there as their only source of recreation. When they got a suit jacket and a hat, when they were dressed now like an American, they would swagger down the streets like “big shots.” Then the young girls would arrive from Slovenia. The young men couldn’t wait! The girls usually got pregnant before they were married. Gammy and her friend’s prime recreation was to go to see them get married on Sundays. The doors of the church would open and the bride would come down the stairs crying their eyes out. “I think that they were being married against their wishes. I guess that there were afraid of what was going to happen to them. That was our fun, to go and see the brides crying!” Gammy’s voice, I noticed, had that beautiful crispness. I feel happy when I hear her voice, but I don’t usually focus on the sound itself. Today, I did. The quality of her voice is so beautiful.

I poured some 7-up into three wine glasses and we toasted. I recited “Ne stravya, Gio vio and Buk pu mage.” She commented that I had learned it well. But the sentimentality of the toast, I think, brought the situation to mind, and her eyes seemed to be on the verge of tears. We looked at each other. Then I sense a knowing in the room, as if she knew we knew. She related that she had been to the doctor. How Donna had taken her, how Bobby had been on pins and needles and had given Donna a list of instructions. She said, “I’m going to talk to Amy about it but I’m not going to tell you (looking at me). It’s really nothing.” Just about then, Uncle Donald came in. We talked a few minutes and then I went to the airport in order to catch my plane. When we walked out the door, I gave Gammy my usual few sets of hugs with kisses. Her face and eyes were as bright as usual when we walked away, looking back, her face peering out from behind the door.

On the way to the airport I asked Amy if she would bring a Steve Martin movie to Gammy and watch it with her, and if she would visit Gammy once a week while she was in town. I told Gammy I would call her.

When I got on the plane, I looked out at one of the most beautiful cloud fields I have ever seen. I wrote a poem to Gammy entitled Walk on Clouds. It seems that my whole perspective on life has suddenly changed. Everything seems otherworldly.

Walk on Clouds

If I could walk on the clouds
The sun would always shine
Unlike life, bereft of hard edges
Their valleys would invite me
To drift in their airy realm
And their pinnacles
Would afford me
Their translucent and knotty sea
Of blue and white.

Oh! What a joy I would feel to live there.
It is a splendid day and my wanderings
Have just begun
There is mystery in every gray pockmarked valley
and pillowy happiness in every
Crest of white.

I cannot see my own life
Beneath this happy, heavenly spectacle
Where I scurry to accomplishment,
Where colored, withered leaves
Frolic in autumn wind,
Where the face of my life wizens
With the coming of enlightenment.

I only gladden to see the mushrooms part,
Revealing the silky essence of sun.
I sit and read the poetry of their passage
Across the expanses
And marvel at the song of their love
For the blue Celeste.

1/20/96 for Gammy

January 21 SUN Tokyo

January 22 MON Tokyo
Haruka

January 23 TUE Newcastle, England

January 24 WED Newcastle, England
[L]

Loan(!),Ma Dan, Amy, Zaneta, Laura

960124 Newcastle (10)
Dear Diary:
Life is like a miracle. I am where I want to be psychologically, and in the state I want to be physically, while I long for improvement to both. A day like today is filling me full of incredible feelings and happiness. The one sad note to my life today is the continuing news about my dear grandmother being ill.

Today I have called most of my girlfriends, making arrangements to see them or for various other reasons.

In the morning…

I called Zaneta in Prague. We had a pleasant conversation in which we confirmed that she would meet me at the airport Friday when I get in from my 8 p.m. scheduled arrival.

I called Amy. We talked about Gammy, which was sad. Amy and I told each other how much we loved each other and how much we missed each other.

I called Laura at her work. I accused her (gently) of losing interest in, evidenced by her preferring to watch TV over talking to me (when I called from Tokyo Tuesday night), by the fact that I had written to her but she had not written to me, and by the fact that she never called me collect anymore. She was surprised by this, and she said she could say the same to me: that I had lost interest in her because I never called anymore, etc. The irony here is that she felt loved once again by my comments, whereas if I had merely called her and said hello, I am quite sure she would have felt like an underdog. The fact that I mirrored her own feelings had a positive effect. She told me that she had written to me twice; I could honestly say that I had received nothing. She said that she had wanted so much to call collect but she was afraid I would mind the extra charges; I could honestly say that I did not mind at all, that money was unimportant, and in fact I sort of resented the very existence of money that would stand between us in this way. In a short time, she was feeling freed and happy again. She felt loved. I reinforced this feeling. I told her I would call her later.

In the afternoon,…
I called Ma Dan. I tried to see if she could come to Beijing with me on the 30th so we could spend another evening together. She had to be back at work the next day and said she could not come because there is often fog which delays flights. She convinced me that she was right. I asked her whether she would want to if she could. She said, “Of course.” The feelings I have gotten from her ever since I called from Tokyo a few nights ago are so warm. The moment when I felt a turning point was when I told her I would leave Chengdu after one day. She said it was so short of time, and she let me know that she wasn’t working that day at all.

Afterwards, I called Laura, realizing and opportunity to meet with her for a night if she could fly to Beijing. I felt very glad at this moment that I had practiced respect and restraint in not breaking it off with her even though I had found Mei. I told Laura that I loved her.

I asked if she could meet me in Beijing. She asked me if I thought there was any chance of coming to visit her in Shanghai at any time during February.

I called Loan in Vietnam. To my surprise, a woman answered the telephone who spoke some English. She told me to hold. Loan’s sweet girlish voice answered, so vibrant. At first she did not know who it was, but when she connected with Amy’s name (which is phonetically easy to pronounce and remember) she became very happy. She told me how much she missed us. She had even gone by the Thai Binh hotel (clients I guess) and knew that we were supposed to come on the 27th. I told her we would be there in 10 days. She seemed really excited. She told me that she wants to go to English school. (I told her I could give her money to go. Her English sounded much improved.) She suggested that Amy and I could come to her house and meet her mother. I myself was overjoyed to talk to her and have her remember us. Her voice sounded so sweet, and I felt love for her. When she said goodbye, she gave a big kiss sound over the phone. I gave her a kiss too, she gave me another and so on.

January 25 THU Prague

Mei, Amy, Amber (Amber and I sort of had phone sex. I masturbated while she agreed to do all sorts of suggested actions [(Can I fuck you? Can I put it in your mouth? Can I come inside you?) It really turns me on when I hear say Uh-huh or Yes to these questions.

January 26 FRI Prague
[L] [E]

Talked to Amy a short time.

En route to Zaneta’s house, 3:40 p.m.

Things happen faster than I can record them. I am on my way to the home of Zaneta, where her mother and her are apparently fixing some food. It seems she is very much looking forward to me staying there and fattening me up!

I finally got a hold of Mei last night, through some sort of miracle chain of the last few days, through a former co-worker of hers. Fortunately, her co-worker, Zhou Zhong Guang, could speak English and was at her old extension. He picked up on who I was and tried to page her. She called him and left a number which I tried but which did not work. She was trying to call my home but of course I was here and not there. While I spoke with him last night, she called his pager, so he gave me a different number and I reached her. It seemed she could not talk long, but we made plans to meet at the Garden Hotel Monday at 11 a.m. Then she can explain her plans. It seems she is going back home to Anhui. It also seems she will return to Shanghai at a later date, but I feel the timing is uncertain.

I called Amber last night and miraculously she answered the main switchboard. The phones here in Prague do not allow me to dial extensions. We made arrangements to talk after hours, but she could not hear the telephone. Finally, I called my office and Ken was still there, the last person to leave. I asked him to conference her line in and dial her extension. He put the receiver down and she and I had a private conversation. After fifteen minutes he picked up the line and asked if we wanted to continue talking, because he was going to leave. He left the office and we continued. I do hope no one listened in!

Amber and I talked about our relationship. As we talked, I loved the sound of her voice. I asked her if she could come on a short vacation with me, but she said she wasn’t ready for that. I told her I thought she did not really love me, but she insisted she did love me.

I talked to her about the need to orgasm with her, even if she could not presently make love to me. She agrees to this. But when I told her the car was cramped and that it would be easier for me to orgasm if we laid down, she asked me where. I suggested a hotel. She asked why I am always asking to go to a hotel. I joked: “Always?” She noted I had asked once before. She asked if we could try the car once more.

As we talked I began to touch myself. I told her. I imagined I was fucking her and told her so. I asked her if I could come inside of her. She laughed and said yes. I grew more excited and asked her a second time and she said yes again. Then I asked a third time and she said nothing. I grew impatient. I grew frustrated and accused her of being insensitive. After a few minutes I regained my sense of understanding and explained to her what I was experiencing in detail. Afterwards, she was completely cooperative. I asked her if I could fuck her and (after having to re-emphasize this was only on the phone!) she said yes. I asked her over and over if I could come inside of her, if she liked it. She agreed to all. I came, sighing. I wanted her to hear my sounds, to feel close to me. I felt as if we had made love. She indicated to me that it excited her, that she liked it, and that I often excited her, even on the telephone.

Part of the conversation had been frustrating, but it was a nice note to finish on. I told her that I felt as if we had made love, and she said she felt so too. I told her that I felt close to her because of it. And she said she felt close too.

At Zaneta’s house 2:50 a.m. 1/27

The more I have contact with women, the more personal power I feel. My fears seem to wash away to nothingness, and the very idea that a woman might not appreciate my advance seems to vanish with a growing sense of oneness with the world. More and more I do not see things in the same light, no longer in terms of rejection and acceptance, and increasingly the feeling is constituted merely of recognition of the wondrous charm that I fall under with a woman who attracts me, a yielding to the dance of conversation to make her acquaintance, to woo her, and seeing things not in terms of win and lose but just in terms of whether it comes to fruition or not. Just as many seeds are sown and some do not germinate. I used to compare myself and underrate myself if I was unsuccessful, but I am much more at peace now. I feel much more confident. I sense so much about a woman, how she feels, and rather than become negative with apparent disinterest, I often find that by looking beyond the surface, a positive blossom of hope appears and often flowers.

Last night when I inquired at the Hilton Hotel desk about prices, the woman behind the counter, Marketa, absolutely floored me with her beauty. I did not hesitate, but asked her at once: “Do you ever model for photographs?” It seemed she did not fully grasp what I was saying, but answered: “No.” I said: “I think that you would be wonderful to photograph, your face is very beautiful. In fact, I would say: extremely so.” She seemed embarrassed but polite, not quite sure what I was saying. Another woman helped me and I occasionally looked at Marketa. I felt she was sneering [at] me, sort of mildly laughing at me and avoiding me; this was all very subtle. My thoughts felt to ignore her, to downgrade her: you are not so beautiful after all. Then as she again came closer, I felt a smile give way, and my thought was of the spirit: O.K., I wonderfully accept you.

I was not planning on staying there because they asked for $300 a room. But I called the USA reservation office and got the room for about $130. When I went back to check in another woman helped me. Marketa came to get something out of a drawer and kneeled down so that I could see her bra. She stayed there for the longest time. I looked and admired her. Her body, from her legs up, seemed to have a symmetry and proportion which made her an overall figure of loveliness. I felt some different sort of vibration than I had earlier. Almost as if she had had the chance to reject my admiration, and when it stopped, she missed it and wanted it back. How subtle are love thoughts! Her eyes were like pale blue crystals, accentuated by the light above.

After I checked in, I thought about her. In my room, I formulated a plan. I thought I would go back down with my camera and explain more about my desire to photograph her. I took a business card with my home address and phone number written on the back and a note: “Fine Art Photographer wants to photograph you!” By now it was about 1 a.m. I went to the front desk and there was only a young man behind the counter. I asked him questions about whether I could have a friend visit me (Zaneta) and so on. While I talked with him, Marketa walked by and into a door. The phone rang and the man got busy so I waited. Almost like clockwork, Marketa came out again and as she walked by, I asked if I could speak with her. A moment later when she turned to me, both the young man and the woman who had checked me in stood by ready to listen to me. So I decided to be completely open. I asked Marketa if she had understood what I had told her earlier. She said she had not understood all. So I turned to the other woman and the man and I explained that I was a fine art photographer and I thought Marketa would make an excellent subject. I suggested that I could leave the card and maybe she could write me a postcard and I could write her back and explain more about what I do and that maybe I could let her know when I would return to Prague. She seemed to agree, though only half understanding me. I said may[be] she could send me her address (in her postcard). At that she said: Do you want my address? The young man said that I wanted it. She looked at me and took a piece of paper, seeming to have interpreted the young man’s explanation as an endorsement, and she wrote her address and handed it to me saying: “Here is my address.” Encouraged, I said, “Can I have your phone number so I can call you?” “You want my phone number?” And on that note she took the paper back and wrote her number. I explained that I would keep in touch. I said I might not have a chance to call her before I left Sunday. I asked her what the best time to call her was. She said that she worked from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. The best time it seemed was about 5 p.m.. I was elated as I said goodnight and went upstairs.

I thought about it when I went upstairs. I thought I might take my big camera down and take a photo of her right then. Then I could send it to her. She looked so beautiful. After an hour or so, I returned to the front desk, this time with my small camera, a film holder and box of film from my big camera, and an expedition brochure with my Everest summit photo on front and a color 5×7 of the same image. The young man was there too. I told her I might not get a chance to see her again before I went away. I asked her if I could trade her a photo. I showed her my summit photo and the young man explained to her which mountain it was. She agreed to let me take a photo. Then I signed the 5×7 for her. She said: “For Marketa” and I finished it, “Admiringly, Jeff.” By now, I had some great feeling talking to her. She seemed so wide-eyed, so innocently compliant, as if there was not a “No” in her body.

Now it is late, about three. I will try to write more about things soon. I am sleeping in Zaneta’s bed tonight, but unfortunately, she is sleeping in her mother’s room with her mother!!

January 27 SAT Prague

January 28 SUN en route to Shanghai

I finally seemed to break through Zaneta’s barrier when she came to the airport with me. She seemed to open up to a few key points: 1. I would help her come to the US if I could, no strings attached. 2. I told her she was beautiful not because I was trying to make love to her but in spite of it, because I did not want to appear like a BS-er. 3. That the way I would try to win her love was to really try to do my best for her and to feel something of real value for her in my heart

January 29 MON Shanghai

January 30 TUE Chengdu
[L]

960130 Chengdu

Written to the Sounds of:
Point Productions
Pachelbel-Canon
With the Sounds of the Ocean Surf
Gentle Persuasion
The Sounds of Nature

Sometimes I think I may be too sensitive for this game!

In terms of, when I love, it feels so overwhelmingly complete at the moment and it is always intruded upon by the hard reality that others at times will not respond or feel the way I do.

Well, without further ado, I should explain what is going on.

Tonight, an unexpected result. I was picked up by a most beautiful Ma Dan. For that matter, her name might as well be augmented to Ma Dana. She is gorgeous in a way that led me to say to her: I feel I must be in love, because people in the real world just don’t look as beautiful as you do to me. And you know what? It was true, so true. I cannot say that she is without what people would call blemishes. And yet it is fair to say most would admit of her fair qualities.

Was it the charm in her eyes, what was it, then, because, while I saw she was pretty at the airport, by the time we were close on the loveseat in my room, she took on an other-worldly quality that mesmerized me. Shortly after making the above statement, we hugged. This hug continued and progressed, with soft brushing of my face against hers, and a gradual readjustment of our position until she lay by my side on the loveseat. This progressed further until my lips and hers met. Meanwhile, my hands were covering her bra and her bottom. As she had earlier declined my gentle advances to kiss, I merely let my lips touch hers without any motion on their part, until she began to kiss mine. And as her lips moved, mine followed, until I forgot and only felt and responded in passion. My hands roamed all over, yet when they went straight in the crevice of her vagina she backed away, it seemed in shyness. I lifted up her shirt and felt her breasts, she did not resist. I undid her bra and kissed them, while she kissed me deeper. Her breasts delighted me immensely. They were small and beautifully shaped, her nipples were as round and even and lovely as ever I saw. But I think it was the heart behind them that touched me, the gentle movements, the sighs, the feeling of being desired and admired.

I kissed her belly passionately, driving my tongue into the pit of her button. While she is a petite woman and really without any fat, still her stomach carried just a little baby fat, which made the whole experience just a notch more delightful. I knelt one knee on the floor and hovered over her laying on the love seat, one hand kneading her breast, one hand caressing her crevices from her backside and my face in her belly. My arm around her back, my other arm around her bottom, I curved her inwards and buried my face in the soft kisses I gave her midriff.

I pulled down her pants, which were held up by elastic around the waist, and she made a motion to stop me. I am feeling now that I perhaps should have just ripped them off, but at the time I was following a tact of being sensitive to her and not forceful.

We moved around, me following her moves, and I ended up on top of her. She had her legs up in the air and spread and I lay between them.

No more happened in that direction. Our clothes remained on. She had to go home at 11 p.m. I find out that her father is extremely strict with her. She has a beeper which her parents call when she has stayed beyond her allotted amount of time. I rode with her in her taxi to where she lives, the Sichuan Daily News, just beyond the Chengdu Hotel.

I can say without any reservations that tonight I have fallen head over heals deeply in love with this woman from this remote city. Ironically, this same city is where I first made love to Joy, who later became my wife.

January 31 WED Chengdu

Amy; tried to call Angela; left message Amber

FEB 1996

February 1 THU Shanghai
[L]

Ma Dan. She sounded better.

Amy. I think this day is very important to this study because it clarifies a few things. The basic point is that the sex today was crystal perfect three times in a row, just incredibly delicious. I must stress that I believe there were several factors. One is that Laura was very horny and very sweet to me. She was very into it and passionate. She commented (2/2): “For a woman, passionate lovemaking comes from passionate love.” I think I felt this and it turned me on immensely.
(!!!)

When I look back on good sex and bad sex, there certainly seems to be a common theme here, when women are really “into me” (call it love or not), the sex seems correspondingly better. That is the main factor. Another factor is her body type. She is very slim and petite, though not short. Her body type lends itself to giving me a feeling of power. This power feels very good to me sexually and increases my confidence. Not to mention that physically, her sex is fairly tight around mine.

This day also marks other points: even having a mild stomach upset (softer bowels) does not prohibit perfect sex. Also, even being a little hungry does not prohibit perfect sex. I would also say that freshness and gentility helps. She is young and has a freshness about her and a softness in her manner. This contributed to the feeling of mastery or power she imparted to me. Also, I was even missing Mei at this point, and not feeling particularly in love with Laura, so, being in love is not necessary to have great sex. I wonder if it even helped to the extent that I was not all wrapped up in trying to protest my love, nor in feeling awed or vulnerable. I can honestly say that this was one of the most confidence boosting experiences to date; it had the combination of the best result with the least effort, thus resulting in nearly complete pleasure. I felt like a real stud, because I just kind of showed up, feeling little was invested, and there was this girl, soft and sweet and in love, giving me great sex. It was perfect.

One last comment: she made love very, very well, very passionately. We made sounds and she kissed and kissed me. Her breath was fresh and her lips were soft and warm, full. Oh yes, and another thing: it was the first day of her period. Even though she was a little hesitant about that aspect, it also meant that I could ejaculate inside of her, which enhanced the experience. The first time when I began to come, she tried to push me out but I told her it was O.K. and did it inside. Oh, and another thing. It should be taken into account that we knew each other pretty well. We knew what to expect from each other, and already had a track record of good lovemaking, so that lends confidence & that helps too. Oh yes!! and another thing. I had only gotten about 2 solid hours rest the night before, then a cat nap in the taxi and plane total about 2 hours. I also had an outbreak on my lip, all proving that sleep nor outbreak has a necessarily negative affect. After the third time we made love I fell into the deepest dreams and the most luxuriant sleep I could imagine. Dreams with music, awesome Hendrix-like which I guess was being composed in my own head during the dream; and girls, maybe Ma-Dan like.

(Shanghai continued)
I am experiencing some logistical challenges, through which I hope I am weathering. I am here in Shanghai again. I could not reach Mei by beeper last night from Chengdu (that is I could not get her to call me back), so this morning when I got to Shanghai I called for her former workmate, Zhong Guang. The Chinese man who answered grunted that he was not there. I called again on chance and the same man gave me his new number. I did reach him and he dialed her beeper. A half an hour later I called and he concluded that she must have gone back home (to Anhui). (She told me she was going there for three weeks for Spring Festival.) If she did return, which seems likely, then it is a change in plans, for she was supposed to meet me today at 5 p.m. at the Garden. I find it hard to believe that she would not be there given the lure of the telephone that she wanted so desperately for me to buy her before she returned home. I think we have a major communication block - no, I don’t just think it, we really do. I sensed that she was antsy, even when I said to meet me Thursday; she hesitated and then said it was O.K. I guess there is no way for her to reach me to let me know if she changed her plans.

Meanwhile, I cannot be sure she won’t be there at 5 p.m., so I have to make a contingency plan. The complicating factor here is that I told Laura I would be here. She’ll meet me at 2 p.m. at the JC Mandarin. I waited until the last possible minute to tell her I was here, and before that I only said I might be able to come. The question is: did I read the signals right, will Mei really bail on me? My plan is to sneak out 4:30, go to the Garden, if she happens to be there I will check her in and tell her I am going to Hong Kong at 7:50 p.m. and will return tomorrow morning. I have already told Laura that I am leaving tomorrow, so if Mei is there I will stick to that, and if Mei is not there I will tell Laura I am staying over another day.

How complicated!

In the meantime, I have something else on my mind concerning love. (Not to mention a 2-hour conversation with a depressed Amy last night on the telephone from my room at the Chengdu Jinjiang [nice hotel]).

I fell completely head over heals in love with Ma Dan in Chengdu. The first time I met her I was completely taken with her, but you know it only leaves a memory, which is vague rather than specific. So this time when I saw her I was charmed off my feet. I already related my experiences of the first night in yesterday’s journal entry. The next day was even more surprising. I had told her to come early and she said she’d come no later than 9:30 a.m. I was on the phone with my office at the time and at 9:40 I began to consider that maybe she had decided not to come at all.

I called her Dad who answered in his gruff voice. He makes me uneasy. He muttered something about Jinjiang and I assumed she was on her way. At 10:10 a.m. she rang my bell. I answered and again I was completely swept off my feet. I resumed my conversation with the office and motioned for her to come to the bed. She sat with me. Slowly we came close, touched, and gave small kisses, while I talked to the office. It was so sweet.

After I got off the phone, she removed her coat. She told me that her father was upset because she had come home late. He said that she had to be home for dinner tonight–at about 6:30 p.m.!

We kissed more passionately. I got on top of her and pressed my hard dick against her and got its tip into her crack, but with our clothes on. We ended up in a position where she had her legs spread wide and her body was curled back with me between her legs, in a totally dominant position. When I tried to get into her clothing, she stopped me. I thought that I would wait until after lunch, and then I would take her.

We had lunch at which she led me to believe my interest in her was totally futile. The more I learned about her, the more I learned how totally strict her father was. Her story goes something like this. She had a boyfriend when she went to college. Her parents liked this boy and they were supposed to marry. After college, her boyfriend went to Beijing to do graduate work. The way she put it her boyfriend “required” her to travel to Shanghai and Shenzhen with him and although at first her father refused, she persisted and eventually won his assent. She eventually tried to get a job in Beijing so she could be with him, but failed to get employment. I met Ma Dan on April 4, 1995. Ironically, the last time she saw her boyfriend was on April 9th 1995, when she went to Shanghai to see him. At the time I met her, she already had the strong feeling that they would break up. He told her that they could not be together, so they should break it off. He also had told her that his parents wanted him to stay in Beijing because it was good for his career. His parents basically did not want him to marry her. As she put it, they wanted him to marry a “VIP’s daughter.” A month or two after she last saw him, a friend of hers talked to him when he returned to Chengdu. He told Ma Dan’s friend not to tell Ma Dan that he was back. She tried calling him twice, but she never heard from him again.

This experience was devastating for her. As she had put it: “The way I see it is this. Before I marry, I belong to my parents. When I marry, I belong to my husband. When I become a mother, I belong to my child.” She said last night that it was O.K. for her boyfriend and her to “do this” (be intimate) because they were going to marry. She gave herself up to him only to be set free. Not only did this affect her but it affected her parents as well.
(!!!)

Before I came to Chengdu, some months ago, I had asked her if she could meet me in Shanghai some time. She had said yes. Now she indicated it was impossible because she could not get permission from her father. When I asked why it was different now, she said that her father was not like this (so strict) before this thing with her boyfriend but now he was very strict. I guess he felt he had gotten burned.

During lunch I spoke with her about plans, about how we could possibly meet, but with each suggestion, she analyzed it out that it would not work. I said that, then, it seemed impossible for us to do more than occasionally see each other for a few hours once in a great while. During the course of the last twenty-four hours, I had had asked her several times if she wanted to stay with me. (For example, last night when she had to go home, I asked her if she would want to stay with me and she said Yes.) Each time I asked her if she wanted to be with me, she said Yes. But still, the pressures she felt were so great that she felt bound as a good child to obey her parents.

She turned to me and said: “It doesn’t matter anyway, because I will probably get married in two years, and then I won’t be able to see you because I will be too busy.” This comment devastated me. It seemed so incongruous. I tried to show that I was hurt, upset, but she remained solemn on this point. I told her that she was like her boyfriend. Here he had hurt her by following his parent’s wishes over his love for her, and now she was doing the same to me. (Though I granted the situations were much different, for they had known each other for four years.) I felt that the situation was ridiculous and hopeless, and I struggled with the pain.

After lunch, we went back to the room. We were kissing and so on. When I started reaching in her clothing she said No. (Last night after our session where I was kissing her breasts, she said something like: ‘that must never happen again.’) Finally, I pull her shirt open and started kissing her belly again. She partially gave up resisting and I began kissing her breasts as well.

[intimate interactions part of entry omitted]

When I got back to the room, it was about 9 p.m. I had asked her to call me but there were no messages. At 10:30 p.m. I decided to call her anyway. She asked me if she could call me in 1/2 hour. Just at 11 p.m., she called to me. We talked for perhaps 1 hour, maybe 1 1/2 hours.

February 2 FRI Shanghai
[L]

Ma Dan; I told her I really loved her. I asked her if she missed me, she said maybe. I asked her if she wanted to see me and she said yes and I laughed and said that meant she missed me. She agreed and we joked because she does not want to admit it. I think there are some very interesting things occurring regarding virility. First, my extremely good sex with Laura came at a time when I would not expect it. Second, overeating ice cream devastated that feeling. I think there is something to be learned here. Even the next afternoon I could feel that bad feeling. When Laura and I made love in the early afternoon, it was fantastic, but at 3 a.m. the next morning it started out real good, but I felt I pooped out. I know in the past that an (2 scoop) ice cream after a good meal did not detract from great sex with her. But six scoops definitely changed my chemistry.

February 3 SAT Saigon
[L]

Amy and I met in Saigon on Saturday night (early a.m. Sunday morning). I entered the dark room where she lay in bed. It was a happy meeting. Before I came to the Continental Hotel, I stopped by the bar where Loan works. She wasn’t there that night but the guard said she’d be there the next night. I then stopped by the Thai Binh Hotel and talked with Huang for a few minutes; my main purpose in doing so was to find out if he had any news from Ms. Nguyen.

Amy and I made love and slept.

February 4 SUN Saigon
[L] [A]

The next day, Sunday, we inquired about going to Cambodia. At first we were told we could not go easily, then later it turned out that a visa was obtainable on arrival. Amy and I walked around town, took a ferry across to the other side of the river, made love a couple of times, enjoyed the fine food at the Hotel restaurant. In the evening, at about 11:30 p.m., I went to see Loan. Amy wasn’t very happy with me for that, but I promised to use a condom. (I had called Loan earlier at home. She related that she had been contacted by the guard who told her I was looking for her.)

Loan looked gorgeous. She had a beautiful dress one. She was the most beautiful girl in the bar. She and I went to a new hotel that she liked. I took a couple of photographs of her. She said ‘Wait a minute and I will let you take a real sexy photograph.’ I was excited by the prospect that she would be a natural poser, but when she undressed, she put a towel around her. I took a photo and then asked her to remove the robe, but her insistence to leave it on let me know that she would be difficult to photograph for fine art. She did look beautiful. At the bar we had spoken about the possibility of going to Nha Trang together with Amy. She offered to take a few days off of work to come with us, but now my enthusiasm dimmed since my main interest in doing something of the sort was the possibility of taking photographs with her.

We laid down in bed. I had taken a condom out and put it by the bed. But when she laid down next to me and I felt her pussy, I realized there was no way that I would use it. I mounted her and did not worry much about coming too soon. You see, ever since November when I never finished coming inside of her, I was very, very desirous of feeling me unload in her sweet vagina. She got on top as she likes to do, but this was not very exciting for me and I laid her down again and finished inside of her some minutes later. It was satisfying.

Not long after she asked me ‘So what about Amy?’ In the bar she had asked if Amy was my girlfriend and I had told her ‘Yes.’ I was surprised with her subsequent unhappiness; I thought she was playing. She said that I had told her differently before. (I thought I had told her truthfully.) So I covered up in the bar and tried to deny that she was my sweetheart, just to save any problems.

But now she faced me with the same question. I again denied it, telling Loan I loved her. She said she knew I was lying and turned away, my arms still around her. I thought it was all a game. I felt hot tears falling on my arm. Then I was confused as to what was going on. ‘Loan, I am afraid you sleep with too many men.’ She denied it, which seemed sort of ridiculous to me, since it seemed she was an obvious bargirl. The way it works is [it’s] the girl’s job is to bring more customers into the bar and to have them buy drinks for the girls, all of which greatly enhances that bar’s business. Loan told me she drank five to ten Bailey’s liqueurs per night; then told me that it does not affect her (which I believe).

She told me, when I pressed her for the truth, that she has only slept with one other man since she last saw me. I would like to believe it was true, but c’mon, it can’t be so. She has probably had lots. After all, the first time I asked the guard if I could have her, he said ‘Of course’, and she is very pretty, so I would imagine many others would like her.

The second time I fucked her, it took some time to come. It is uncanny that even though her pussy is quite small, that there is so little hair and it is so soft, that there is less feeling than with Amy. (Amy’s pussy is very tight.) Finally I held her vaginal lips against my rod to increase the feeling, and I came inside her a second time. I cannot deny that the sweetness and youth is an enormous attraction. I think of older men with matronly wives (like my Dad, only much of his problem is alcohol) who believe they have lost their virility. I think while undeniably one loses power with age, still, a young pretty girl can well up lost feelings again, arousing some sort of deep and profound desires. I fell asleep with my penis still inside of her. I woke up maybe forty-five minutes later. Her vagina tugged slightly on my penis as I withdrew it. On one hand I loved the feeling of being connected and on the other hand I was just a little concerned to have so long a contact inside of her.

February 5 MON Saigon
[L] [A] [E]

Loan, tried to call Mei

We stayed in bed together till about five. I wasn’t really horny anymore, but just for fun I put it in her again. After awhile I stopped because I knew I would not come again. We started to get up when she said, ‘Have you made love again?’ (She meant ‘Have you come again?’) When I said ‘No’ she started to lay us both down again, demonstrating her desire to have me completely satisfied. I thought this was a nice gesture but I said I had to go, which I did.

I cannot explain this exactly, but if Loan is nothing more than a bar whore, still I have never experienced a whore so completely soft, gentle and loving and imparting a sense of true caring.

She asked me why I did not use a condom. I told her again that I loved her. She said she loved me too.

We took a taxi back to my hotel, and she went home from there. I hated the feeling of walking back into the room. Amy had hardly slept that night. She laid in the dark room, the sky lightening outside. It was about 5:45 a.m. I had already decided that I must tell the truth to Amy about not using a condom. It would not be fair otherwise. She had to make the decision about whether she still wanted to sleep with me herself.

She did ask me and I did tell her. She was very unhappy. She said she wouldn’t sleep with me. I thought she was going to break up with me. I really felt badly, sorry, yet I also knew that the things I do feel inevitable. I sense out what limits I will go to, be it to go to Mount Everest or to just make it onto a plane at the last minute. There are some situations where there can be no margins of error, such as descending off of Mount Everest. Then there are others where the risk in question is unimportant, such as when it is simply a matter of money. There are always unknowns. I can assure you diary, I care a great deal about my safety and that of others. Still, in Loan’s case, I really felt the need to come inside of her. I really wanted that. I feel satisfied now.

I told Amy that I do not need to sleep with her again, or for that matter with anymore prostitutes. I really meant it.

I took a shower, thinking of Amy. I got dressed and we prepared to go downstairs for breakfast. Amy looked so sad, and in an attempt to comfort her, I took her in my arms. Our bodies became like glue, we held tight. After awhile I felt as if she was leaning towards the bed by our side, and I dropped gently onto it with her. Soon we were making love passionately. I felt so much love for her.

We spent the rest of that Monday eating and getting our plane tickets. We took a walk around. In the evening, we took a tour boat ride up the river. I really enjoyed it very much, as I sat on the front of the small boat with Amy and talked with the guide, a young Vietnamese who spoke English well. I learned about different things. We ended up at a resort where we were first treated to a small performance. There were dancers and drummers and musicians. We were getting quite bored and hungry and wanted it to end.

The finale was the drumming troupe, whose most able leader was a funny looking little guy, sort of balding on top with longish hair on the sides which bounced up and down in his increasingly excited and agitated solos. Amy started to crack up, stifling her laughter, with the thought that when they hit the gong it would come crashing down, stand and all, to the ground. This idea came about because at the first gong crash of the evening, something came flying out from the gong back (which someone had placed there). Amy’s stifled laughter set me off as well, and we fed on each other’s mirth. Meanwhile, the little band leader in the middle feverishly pounded the big red drum in front of him. What struck me as so funny was that I had the distinct impression that he really thought he was really wailing. Then he’d drop into some really light tapping, the theatrics of which seemed monumentally more entertaining than the almost imperceptible sounds which emanated. In the back row on the left was the gong player who looked completely out of place with the other four Vietnamese. I felt as if this guy looked he came from California. I wanted to tell Amy that I thought he looked like some guy from Milpitas that just happened to walk onto the stage, but I knew if I tried to relate this, all remaining decorum would be lost, and as we were sitting in the front row, with a party of people behind us and the band facing us, I purposely tried to get my mind off of the subject!

Soon it was over and we went to eat. The dinner was pretty good. We counted the geckos on the wall. After dinner we again broke out in hysterics as we watched a cockroach scurrying to and from on the large tiled floor. We thought he had gotten to safety (from the waiters’ shoes) on the other side, when he doubled back and headed for the kitchen.

We bussed back to our hotel. I wasn’t really tired, but Amy suggested we go to the room. We made love and fell asleep and I never got up again. I felt in that Amy was trying to keep me in as she properly sensed that I wanted to go to say hello to Loan. She figured I wouldn’t be able to resist a second night with her, but the truth was I just wanted to say hello.

February 6 TUE Phnom Penh
[L] [A]

The next morning we hung out. I went to talk with Saigon Tourist’s manager about giving Duc’s photographs to him, but mostly my purpose was to approach them about the Ms. Nguyen thing. I had a photograph of her and I needed their help. One of the guys there said that he would bring the photograph of her to the Thai Binh and explain that I wanted to see her.

Amy and I took a ride through “China Town” on the way to the airport, but it was not really distinct from what I could see. I thought we’d be late, but we had plenty of time and in addition the flight was late.

By now, Amy’s unhappiness over Loan had subsided somewhat.

Flying to Phnom Penh was very exciting for me. The plane was small and flew lower than most jets, therefore I could make out a good deal of the topography. The most striking thing I noticed was what looked like craters on a bleak tan and white ground. I wondered if these were places where land mines had been dug up, for they looked cordoned off. Then there were swamp like areas of vegetation and water, then several large waterways. The impressions were somewhat different than those I had gotten flying from Bangkok to Saigon two months ago.

Phnom Penh was very exciting for me. I had pictured a one street dust bowl from the way the American (we met in Saigon two months before) had described it. On the way to the hotel we drove by the Royal Palace. We were both thrilled by the fairytale-like towers behind the walls. We had gotten a ride to the hotel from an airport transportation agency; one of the guides was a young man named Kosal. We got boat tickets for the morning to Siem Riep (to leave at 7 a.m.).
When we retired for the night I packed while listening to music. Amy rested in bed. When I finally came to bed about 1 a.m., I made love to her reveling in the fantasy of having a virgin. I think Amy noticed I was especially turned on. She later made some comment to that effect.

February 7 WED Siem Riep
[L] [A] [E]

Next day…
The ride to Siem Riep was a blast. The boat is long and thin, giving it maximum water line. As I told Amy, the speed of watercraft is directly proportional to the square root of its waterline. We headed up the Tonle Sap river. At first the river was fairly narrow, and I enjoyed the small boats and ‘riverine’ houses and industry. The day was hot and fair, and sitting on the top of the boat afforded the cool breeze to counter the heat. In the first of the morning, the sky was a little hazy and the temperature, what with the wind chill, dropped to the point I was a little chilled. Once in awhile Amy came to the top of the boat with me, and we hugged. We stopped around 10:30 a.m. and bought some roasted chicken on bamboo with rice; it was really good. Then we entered the Tonle Sap Lake area. I fell asleep for awhile, roasting on the deck, getting a little sun burnt, but a wonderful, comforting rest. When I awoke, I could barely make out the shoreline on each side. For a long time we cruised, and I felt in touch with the joy of being water bound. I remembered my sail boat trip across the Pacific.

Siem Riep came into view on the shoreline to the right. We cruised up little waterways past houseboats. Everything seemed picturesque. There were big wicker baskets, about 9′ x 5′ x 4′ oval cylinders with a gate. I imagined how they opened the gate and dragged these behind the boat or alternatively just lowered them and let the fish swim in , then raised them, letting the water drain. We stopped at a floating police station for a check, then another where we had to record our passport numbers. Fortunately they did not ask for my passport, as I had discovered I’d left it in PP. Occasionally the captain had to stop the engines and let his men pole around a turn; sometimes they even had to back up the boat first. I loved the short journey up the reed-lined waterway.

When we disembarked we rode into town with Brenda, an American girl, and a Swiss couple. Amy and I took a hotel room and they all took another a few doors down. I went with them (while Amy waited in our hotel) to see the rooms they were getting, ostensibly, but I really went because Brenda was alone and she seemed a prospect for nude photos in the ruins. Amy and I had already discussed it. Amy informed me that Brenda had gone to art school in San Francisco at an earlier time.

Amy and I had a dumb argument in the room over nothing. She got defensive over the fact I mentioned she’d overloaded my bag and that is why it had ripped. We went to lunch at a café a few doors down. A septuagenarian there named Gene from Arizona told me he was teaching in Chengdu.

Amy and I made up at lunch, but I felt uneasy the rest of the afternoon, even when we went to Angkor. It upset me to have argued, and the time lost seemed precious to me, even if it was only fifteen minutes. The guys that helped us get to the hotel were waiting for us with a car and a motorbike. I drove the motorbike and Amy sat behind me, the driver, Wat and Virak either followed or led us into Angkor temple, about 10 kilometers north of the town. When we got to the T in the road where it meets the Angkor moat, Amy and I were thrilled. It was most majestic and impressive, being large, rustic and well-maintained. We turned left there in the sultry heat and bombed down the bumpy asphalt, turned right at the corner and were soon in the dirt parking area before the entrance, across the road from the walkway into the temple. I took a photo of the complex from the side, then stopped a monk and took several photos of him. After that I took a few photos of a young girl. I was remembering how the photographs of the Mayan temple in the Yucatan had turned out. They were kind of blah, just black and whites of stone temples and their reliefs, none of them were really usable for fine art purposes. So this time I figured I would mostly ignore such straightforward depictions of the temple. Instead I would use the temples as ‘grounds’ for human subjects.

By now it was getting towards dusk. We crossed the waterway by the walkway and entered the portal. This in turn led to another long walkway and a second temple complex further off. An old man sat on the right, and I took a couple of photographs of him as well. We walked on to the temple in back, the main temple. Amy chatted with Virak, and I felt jealous. I wanted her to dote on me, but it seemed that she was thinking about other things. (I later thought maybe she was trying to make me jealous.) When we got down to the other end, Amy explored the temple herself while I took more photos, this time of a young girl. Wat and Virak looked after my camera gear while I walked into the initial corridor area where the reliefs go round the temple. The light from the sun was bright red against the wall through columned windows, which cast their silhouettes as shadows. I thought how lovely it would be to have Amy’s naked body standing there ([in] a photo). I went to look for her. She was at the top of a steep flight of stairs where many tourists and onlookers watched the sun go down over Angkor. I went to her and then explained my idea, but by the time she came to where the red shone on the walls, the light was gone. We tried a few photos where she stood behind the columned windows, but it was quite dark, and she was self-conscious about whether Wat and Virak could see her.

We walked back in the growing darkness. The driver (Kim Song), Virak, Amy and I went to dinner at the garden restaurant. Wat on the other hand had a hot date with a Japanese girl (who we saw the next day - who was very cute too!). I enjoyed the meal, enjoyed the banana shakes (no ice cream) as well.

I told Virak to meet us at 5:50 a.m. the next day, with the idea in mind to be at the temple for the sunrise.

When Amy and I got to our room we were both beat. She took a shower and I crashed off to sleep almost the minute that I hit the bed.

February 8 THU Siem Riep
[L] [A] [E]

In the middle of the early morning (about 4 a.m.), Amy and I made love since we hadn’t the night before.

I got up a little early, even though I was beat, because I needed to change my film before we went back to the temple. We all left about 6:15 a.m. Again Amy and I took the motor scooter. The cold air was exhilarating, and Amy provided some warmth by holding me from the back. I didn’t realize it, but I sped right by the place where we were supposed to pay (!). When we got to Angkor Wat, I quickly got the camera gear out and I started out on the causeway across the moats. Several monks approached, then more behind them. They were positioned at odd intervals on the causeway, staggered. I thought it looked wonderful and considered how lovely it would look in a photograph. I had only one choice and that was to act immediately and get them all to stop where they were. I related my idea to Virak and Wat and they at once assisted me. I was like a movie director. ‘There, stay there. I want this one to move over about a foot. Here.’ I got everything set up and made adjustments in their position in order to make the film see the imagery I saw when I first captured the image in my mind. I was very pleased with what I saw. I thought again about what Jock taught me. ‘Why didn’t you take more pictures of these girls? With faces like that I would have “wasted” a lot of film on them! Film is cheap. Getting to that place wasn’t.’ (Dammit! I always think of Jock when I take photographs. Maybe I should ask him to be my mentor again, what of it if he says no? It would be preferable to find someone else to teach me, maybe Ruth Bernhard. At least then I would have someone else’s image to draw on when I am taking photographs! Rather than Jock, who turned against me. Or am I projecting? Maybe he would have a different attitude now.)

I took ten photographs of the monks, the last one was when the sun had arisen in a blurry field of light above their heads. The closest monk was perhaps twelve feet away and the furthest 125′ away, all of them in orange robes. It could have been five hundred years ago.

We proceeded into the inner sanctum of temples. I had Wat and Virak wait for us and Amy took our time walking down the corridors of reliefs. I paid little attention to the reliefs and most of my attention focused on the opportunity to take nudes of Amy. There were almost no people about. On the North side of the temple, the corridor on the outside made an interesting scene and Amy agreed to pose. Dammit! When she took off her dress she had a bra on, and the bra straps had left red marks in her skin. ‘How could you do that? I thought you never wear a bra!’ ‘I always wear a bra.’ ‘What? Only around the house in the evening (do you take it off)?’ ‘Yeah.’ I had to settle for having her fold her arms and stand in a particular way, put her hair in front, etc., anything to hide them, which made the photo less than it could have been. She told me that the marks would go away after a few minutes, but I said they would take hours. I took a few photos of her there, then we continued down the hall. At the corner with the east side of the temple, the sunlight was strewn through the columned windows. There was a perfect spot for her to pose, a place where no one could see her, where she could relax (and so could), a beautiful light and an interesting window where she could sit, believably, and look out. We took about three or four poses when I had to go get the rest of my film. I came back a few minutes later and we finished off the remaining film holders. I told her (about the time of the last photo) that I thought this was the most beautiful photo that was ever made! I was really pleased with the morning photographs, most definitely feeling blissful, for it is rare to have two such striking images hit the film in a year, let alone on the same day.

I had about six pieces of unused film in the box and my changing tent. The insects and birds cried out in the adjacent forest. The sun beat down quietly, the heat felt good, there was a feeling of peace. I laid out my dark cloth, white side on the ground, and set up the tent, sat down cross-legged and finished the changing of the remaining film. Amy lingered around. I had only gotten as far as unloading the holders when Amy started touching me. It became apparent that the nude posing had made her feel amorous, and within moments she was touching my pants and arousing me. I played with her, telling her not to, telling her she was taking advantage of me since I could not remove my hands from the changing tent. She was saying ‘We could do it right her, we could do a quicky, no one would see it.’ Soon I saw that she was right, and I boxed up the film inside and took my hands out of the sleeves. Amy wanted to do it in one place, but I told her the safest place was the same location where she had posed. She pulled down her pants and I pulled mine down and put my penis in her mouth. I was already excited and was going to pull it out, but I sensed she was enjoying it and let her continue for another minute. Then I penetrated her sex with my hard cock. It was a unique feeling making love there. I felt as if she was the princess who had been looking out of the window, or the queen, that I was a guard, and that she was having a surreptitious interlude quickly, when no one was noticing. I looked over my left shoulder and saw a couple of monks walking away from the middle of the north side of the temple, so I moved Amy over a few more feet to the right where (even though they were sufficiently far away not to notice) no one could see. We fucked for a few minutes, my thought being to make it as quick as possible, and my excitement reached its peak and I pulled out and ejaculated into my hand, over-spilling onto her belly. We quickly cleaned up and dressed. It was most exciting and satisfying. I told her how glad I was that she had the idea.

In fact, it must have made me preoccupied, for when I resumed loading the film, and I asked Amy to hand me the tape to tape the boxes, I unzipped the tent then suddenly noticed I hadn’t put the film back in the box (a catastrophe). I quickly re-zipped the tent and put my hands in and put the film in the box. I announced to Amy ‘I have just destroyed all the film from the morning, the best shots of my life!’ but strangely I did not feel despondent. I still felt the elation. In fact, the satisfaction of the morning’s pictures was so great that it seemed nothing mattered (not even destroying them?!!). When I had discovered them open, they were in the white envelope. The white cardboard was over it. I had opened it for perhaps 7 or 8 seconds. Maybe I did not feel too bad because I sensed that most of most of them would survive. I still felt elated, as if just having had the thrill of taking the photos was joy enough, almost as if having them was only secondary.

I reloaded the remaining six sheets of film into the holders. I remembered that when I had finished the first ten photographs, I had brought the holders back to our guides (who waited for us on the west side), therefore, certainly those were in fine condition, and I think that they may have, anyway, been the best ones taken.

We endeavored to take six more photos of the same scene, but this took awhile, for we were interrupted by a few sightseers and photographers, as well as a young boy and girl selling cold drinks. When we were done we went back to our patient guides, and we found them asleep. We teased them that we could’ve stolen everything they were in custody of, and they would not even have noticed! We all walked back, there was no film anyway, and we ate lunch at the little restaurant. I really liked the food there, a cabbage and pork dish fried, with delicious fresh bread, locally baked.

Amy and I mounted the bike and rolled through to Angkor Thom to the north. We had not gotten there yet when I noticed two marvelous banners on 20′ bamboo poles at the entrance way to a modern (wood) temple. We had the car turn over the small camera to us, and we headed back. I took many pictures because I wanted to record the visual data in order that I might later use it at home towards my idea of putting banners on the front of my house. It was a magnificent idea to suspend them from the top of tall bamboo poles. I had not yet thought of that.

The (south) entrance of Angkor Thom captured my fascination. There was a huge face near the top, the tunnel itself was narrow and highly vaulted. I took a photo of the architecture (including the statuary on the sides), then as we began to move on, I stopped not a hundred meters thence and searched for photogenic people to stand in front of the amazing “ground.” I passed up a woman and a girl on bicycles and then opted for a man and a woman, both elderly (and both who have lived through Pol Pot atrocities). They cooperatively posed for several shots. No sooner than I was about to leave when three very picturesque young ladies pedaled their bikes through the portal, all wearing hats and carrying vegetation in their bike racks. They cooperated but were a little skeptical about the proceeding. I gave each of them Polaroids of themselves. Meanwhile Amy was getting impatient, on the inside of the city walls. At the end, I looked up and saw Amy had adventured up to the top of the wall! I took a 35mm shot of her up there.

We continued into Angkor Thom. It was, as I was led to believe by another American, of substantially different architectural substance as Angkor Wat; specifically, we were at The Bayon. Amy and I entered a cave-like room wherein an old woman sat near an altar. I liked her laugh as we acknowledged each other. It was so interesting, for there was a very high ceiling, all cloaked in darkness. At the very top was a small hole to the sky, perhaps 12″ across, and, by the thin and veiled light cast by the opening, bats could be seen flitting around (and their sonar heard). Here this kindly old female monk sat good-naturedly, the tender of the temple cave. We gave a donation and took a few photos by flash. We went outside. Another old female monk sat in a regal and comfortable position, and my eye was attracted by the balance of her body and the stone around her, like a gray and subtle-toned medieval religious scene. I went and got my camera and lugged it up the steep stairways of gray stone, with Virak following behind. I photographed the woman and then went into the cave temple. I tried to photograph the old woman there. I told her to look at me and I pointed to my nose as I did so. She laughed while I snapped the shutter. I gave up. Virak said she laughed because she thought I was asking her to look at my nose. (The Japanese have influenced me in this regard, for they often put their index fingertip to their nose when they are identifying themselves. And I guess my nose looked pretty big to her.)

I told our guides that I wanted to go to a few other temples, and they said we didn’t have time, so I insisted and of course we did have time. The first was _______. It wasn’t particularly exciting, but I imagined the pools full of water (as the American we spoke to had suggested) and then I felt that at that ancient time, it must have been quite fantastic.

We also rode the motorbike (Amy behind me and our three helpers following in the car) to Mebon Oriental. There it was different too. Amy and I went up alone. It was dusk. I induced Amy to pose nude and I took my last two photographs. At that time the temple did not seem so interesting, but later I found out that in ancient times, this temple was surrounded by the water of the eastern Baray. In fact it was smack in the middle of this man-made ’sea.’ Today the Western Baray measures 2 x 8 km! The eastern Baray was somewhat smaller, but still very large. How wonderful that it could only be reached by boat. Visualizing it with this fact in mind made it seem very magical.

Now with darkness approaching we made our way back. But I stopped soon afterward, for we came to a part of the complex where a village bordered another ancient water pond, quite large in size, where, in the red last light of day, a group of children hung out by the water, and some entered it. I went down to them and asked them if I could swim. I motioned to inquire if my underwear was enough to swim in, but as it was not, a young girl sold me a red-checkered cloth (the kind they are often seen sporting on the top of their heads). I donned that around my waist, and I entered the evening dark waters. Soon I came out and walked up to the car. I asked Amy to come to the water’s edge and photograph me in the cloth. On the way back down I stubbed my toe and was concentrating on not wincing in front of the villagers (!), and perhaps this was why my original thought to help Amy down was forgotten. Her feet slipped out from under her and she fell flat on her ass! She immediately became pissed off at me (!) and started to say things like ‘you and your stupid pictures’ and ‘if you laugh once more (a nervous laugh, dear diary, I assure you) I’m going to throw you in the water! (fat chance).’ I felt sorry for her on one hand, but on the other, it seemed so incongruous that she should so emphatically blame me for her slip.

Just then some police appeared on the scene. It was not until a little later that I pieced together the fact that they had undoubtedly seen the flash of the camera from where they had been, that this had alarmed them (there are Khmer Rouge in the area), and they had come to check out what it was. We all headed back down the road, the police turned off, and the rest of us met at the hotel twenty minutes later. Amy was still so pissed off that, as if in protest, she did not have her arms around me. I gently took her hands as I drove and put them around my waist, and I stroked them. By and by she calmed down.

Amy and I dined alone. During dinner at an outdoor restaurant, a truck was revving its engines and spewing the most ungodly awful stinky exhaust all throughout the dining area. We were almost about to leave anyway, and we made a hasty exit from the restaurant. When we got back to the hotel, we were very tired, and we fell asleep straight away. My recollection is that we did not make love.

February 9 FRI Phnom Penh
[A] [L] [E] [S]

Again the next morning, we woke up early in order to arrive at Angkor before sunrise. In the back of my mind I was wondering if the monks would walk on the causeway again as they did yesterday. No sooner than I had gotten onto the causeway than, almost in the same order, did they appear. I figured that just in case I had actually destroyed the photos from yesterday, that I would take them again. Of course it is never the same, and so the staggered differences of their position were different, but nevertheless still interesting. It was comical as we tried to get the few tourists there to cooperate. After Wat had attempted to get two Japanese to move more quickly, they walked by me and one said, ‘This is a public road!!!’ (Of course I know that, but I was just requesting a little cooperation, asshole!) Just like yesterday, the tourists behind me availed themselves of my efforts and took photos of the monks with their (35mm) cameras.

After this we decided to have breakfast, and we returned to our favorite little restaurant. While there, a Vietnamese tourist asked us for change, and then told us that they were about to go to Banteay Srei.
‘
Banteay Srei. The guidebook enticed us to go to Banteay Srei. It told how last February an American woman was killed on the way their by Khmer Rouge bandits. It talked about really beautiful red sandstone reliefs. It so happened that the Vietnamese/Australian tourist mentioned to us that they had a police escort to go there and they were just about to leave. So we paid the police another $40 and we all were off a half hour later. The car we were in was having problems, so we ended up riding with the Australians. We had a police soldier in the car with a rifle and a motorcycle ahead of us with two armed soldiers. The ride took about 40 minutes. They pointed out the area where the tourist had been killed. The atmosphere along the road seemed so harmless and it really wasn’t very far from Angkor, so I felt surprised that it was so dangerous.

When we got there, I was impressed with the beauty of the Asparases (the female dancers depicted on the relief). There were only two of them, and quite small they were, which I wanted to photograph, but here we are talking quality, not quantity, and they were indeed exquisite, particularly one of them on which the woman had a particularly lovely expression on her face. In the meantime, some other tourists (including Brenda) showed up. The had essentially followed us out there. While we were all doing our thing (photographing things, basically), gunfire started some few hundred meters away. I admittedly felt nervous, but our guides told us that it was only the soldiers (the good guys) who were target practicing. One of the Americans made an apt comment, to wit, ‘You only have to worry when the locals start to worry.’ That is fairly true.
(!!!)

Brenda, mind you, is not very attractive from a text book sort of way, but her body is curiously sexy and, nude, it might even be quite, quite fine. She was walking about. ‘You know (addressing me), my guide book says that these reliefs are not erotic, but I don’t agree.’ I: ‘I think they are very erotic!’ ‘So do I.’

I said: ‘I love the Asparas.’ Brenda: ‘I love the snakes! I love anything having to do with snakes! …When I was in Singapore, I ate a snake; I drank its blood and ate its heart!’ At this point I was picturing her getting kinky in her hotel room by herself. She continued. ‘I did this with some Chinese businessmen.’ Then it all somehow seemed sort of normal. I could just picture all these guys just having some good-natured fun, probably for example, some harmless play eating them live or something. Brenda mentioned it was supposed to be an aphrodisiac. I asked ‘Is it true.’ ‘I did feel something, but I was traveling by myself, so I didn’t have anyone to try it on…so I went to my room and read a book.’

I told her ‘Last night I looked for you to invite you to dinner, but you weren’t there.’ ‘Oh, we should exchange addresses.’ So when we left at 10 a.m., now everyone in a mad dash to return, we did just that.

Amy and I and crowd went back to Angkor. I finished off the rest of my time and film taking photos of the Asparases. I did enjoy this. We went into the inner temple, and up the highest levels, for this purpose. The reliefs of these finely shaped woman were a pleasure to look at. I wondered aloud to Amy ‘I wonder if these women actually existed.’ ‘I think they did,’ she offered. I wondered on what she based her opinion. I thought of all the local women I had seen. I had seen nothing to compare. But then the ancient kingdom of Angkor was supposed to have controlled all of Southeast Asia! They, then, could have had their pick. I dream and dream of recreating my life to be surrounded with such nymphs.

As usual, I timed everything so we had a minimum of time to return, get our bags and get checked in the airport. On the way out of the temple, I saw the same boy begging, both eyes looking as if they had been operated on recently, and the boy appeared blind. I had promised myself that I was going to give him money on the way out (despite Amy’s insistence ‘I gave him money yesterday!!’ (Ed: ‘So what!’)). I felt in my pocket and didn’t notice the money that was there, and decided to go on. Before we left the parking area, I found my money and thought about going back but felt I should move on. I felt so bothered, then wondered to myself how long it would take me to forget about it. There is a tendency to think things like ‘You can’t solve all the world’s miseries.’ Rationalizations are what they are. I had another thought in the coming days, something like the best I could do for my failure to give him money would be to have a bigger impact, like a worldwide one, for people who suffer.

Our companions dropped us off at the airport. I paid them and gave them an additional $7 tip each. I think they were all pretty good guys.

The flight began with a bang. The pilot announced and circled around Angkor Wat and Angkor Thom. I could also see the Western Baray. It was awesome, with West Mebon accessible only by boat, there smack in the middle of the man-made lake. What imagination these ancients had!!

The temples looked very impressive in the context of the surroundings from the air.

Another sight of note was the Tonle Sap lake. On the flight to Saigon two days later, I noticed that in the Cathay Pacific magazine depicting Indochina from satellite pictures, the Tonle Sap lake was also visible.

[portion of entry omitted]

I went to my room, where Amy was asleep in the bed. I could see her eye open and then shut, and it was as if she was trying to hide the fact that she was awake. We had a few words before I went off to sleep. She was keenly unhappy with me, and that is pretty understandable.

When I lay there trying to go off to sleep, I had a really notable thing happening to me. Involuntarily, I found myself in a sort of dream/waking state in which incredibly colorful scenes were passing by in my mind’s eye. For example, it was sort of ‘temple-based’ in the sense that I might be picturing the wall of something like Banteay Srei covered from top to bottom with blooming flowers (having a sort of aspect of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album jacket). It was as if these scenes were merely passing before my mind’s eye and I was observing them, then all of a sudden I became conscious that this is what I was doing, then observed my state consciously. My feeling in all this was sort of incredible, particularly when I was conscious of it, for it seemed a dream state fomenting with color, symbolism, sights recently seen, but definitely related on all levels with the fucking I had just been doing upstairs just hours before. I relate it like this: fucking such a young gorgeous beauty excited something deep within my mind, my psyche, as if it aroused ancient feelings in my genes, feelings of conquering, of lust, of a time when I could rule, when I could satiate my passions unabated! The colorful, flower-filled images drifted in my mind, there was a feeling of abundance, of blossoming, of Spring, of life (as it should be). What that such a powerful and uncanny feeling should come upon me and dwell in me on the very night that she satisfied me. I slept.

The experience with D’Pai was most unusual. She is possibly the prettiest girl I ever had sex with. Certainly it was awesome.

February 10 SAT Phnom Penh
[L] [A]

The next day was tense between Amy and I. I have seldom seen her be so quiet and immovable and with such little trace of joy for so long. In the morning, I guess despite herself, we were laying on the bed when, I had this overpowering feeling as if I was as attractive to Amy as the girl was to me, and, I wanted to give myself to her. Amy seemed turned on, and we made good loving on the bed. Amy did not have an orgasm and, since I was asking her about it, mentioned that perhaps one of the reasons was that she did not feel comfortable and free with me.

Amy wanted to change hotels. We went to a place just across from the Royal Palace. We lunched in town at a place recommended by our book as ‘amongst the best food in PP’, but which proved not even in my mind in the ‘good’ category. We walked back in the hot streets to out hotel. After lunch we went to the Royal Palace. It was not nearly as interesting inside the grounds as I had imagined it to be from its appearance as viewed from without the walls, but with one exception. In the Silver Pagoda, there was a human figure which was made of gold. I verified that it was gold with the guard, and the clear sparkling stones of some size were diamonds. He told me it was 90kg (I calculated $12 million worth) of gold. The diamonds were huge, one was about 1/2 to 5/8ths inch across. But that was not what was so amazing. Behind the statue of gold filigree there was Buddha that at first I thought might be made of glass. It stood about 18 inches high x 20 at its widest (where the crossed legs were on the bottom) x about 12″ thick on average. I thought it might be jade, but then it looked more like green glass. When I went to a guard to inquire about it, I was told it was made…..of EMERALD!!!!! I was completely blown away. I never knew such a gem existed. I studied it from a distance. It appeared that the right arm was of a different piece of stone but that the entire rest of it was made of one gem stone!! In fact, I was so impressed with this stone that I compared it in my mind with all of Angkor Wat. It is one of the most incredible things I have ever seen. I wondered about the making of it. Even the chips that were waste when this statue was made must have been of an incredible size and incredibly valuable.

After the Silver Pagoda, we walked around the painted walls. I felt that it was so unimpressive after Angkor Wat, not even comparable in any detail. Oddly, of all the hundreds of square meters (perhaps thousands) of painted walls, there was only one face, a small one at that, of a woman, that I found truly lovely. It was a small visage, perhaps and inch and a half high by three quarters wide that was rendered with a few thin lines. It struck me as so lovely that I stared at it.

Later, we rented a motorbike and biked to the Genocide Museum (nice name!?!). It was a sickening thing to behold, leaving me absolutely incredulous that people could be so misled as to be so cruel towards others. It was located at the Building were thousands suffered at the hand of Pol Pot’s regime. Pol Pot is reported to still be in living in Beijing. It seems believable that the Chinese government would allow such a person to live there, but in my mind there is no question that there is a person who deserves no quarter. It seemed the epitome of evil, if there is such a thing. The interrogation rooms depicted a photograph of a victim. Some were unbelievable and one looked as if the person’s face had been ripped off and their body turned black with rigor mortis, not to mention the position of the head appearing as if it had been twisted out of its socket. It was gross. It appeared to me that the torture was carried out with wild abandon even long after the victim was dead, as if it was performed under a frenzied spell. The complex had makeshift cells and photographs of people, including women, who were beaten, a sad fear filling their eyes.. One room had a statue of a man who I assumed to be Pol Pot himself. He looked so well-groomed, and I thought how ironic it is that we tend to put importance on such appearances, and how they can hide the most terrible of personalities. The torture rooms had pictorial enactments of the types of torture used. There was a chair with a spindle, for which use I couldn’t figure. I touched the knob and considered that this knob was probably touched many times by executioners, and it gave me the creeps. I even returned to it and touched it again while praying for goodness, just to dispel the fear it put in me to touch the same thing that had been touched with such evil intent.

On one wall, a painting showing men using pliers on a woman’s breast left me feeling that it was unimaginable to do such a thing, that it was such a crime against Nature who had put the beauty there for us to enjoy and admire, not to harm. I made such a comment to Amy earlier in the walk when I saw a photograph of a beautiful girl with a swollen eye from being beaten, something to the effect ‘how can people be so misled as to not see the beauty that is there.’ I felt angry and powerless to rectify the past horrors that were evidenced there. Amy was so disturbed by the feeling of the place that she did not go into certain areas; they gave her ‘the creeps.’ Much of the time we walked independently and apart from each other through the rooms.

The day was fine. We rode past the Lao Embassy. We had been accompanied by a young man on another motorbike to help us find the museum and back again, and we paid him and told him he could move on. Amy and I rode along the waterfront. It was very picturesque, boats cruising the Tonle Sap, the Mekong in the distance, people selling colorful items, others picnicking on the waterfront grasses, the soft rich gold afternoon sunlight filtering everything with a beautiful glow. We had pizza along the waterfront and then went back to the hotel when darkness fell. That evening, we went to sleep early. I was tired and fell asleep shortly after returning to the room. When I awoke in the middle of the night, I made love to Amy. The whole day she had been standoffish and I felt sad. I had felt that she would lighten up a little by the last few hours and it seemed she did.

February 11 SUN en route to Zurich, via Saigon, Hong Kong
[L] [A]
In the morning she had to leave early but we made love again before she left (?). I rode to the airport with her. She checked in, we had coffee and then we said goodbye. I was going to miss her.

[portion of entry omitted]

We went to the ‘Killing Fields’ outside of town about 1/2 hour. This was the place were the people from the S21 camp (the converted school now comprising the Genocide Museum) were sent for extermination. There was a memorial there filled with human skulls and the open pits from whence they had been recovered. The day was hot and quiet; peace filled the air. I wondered at the houses along the route, some looked like they had been there during the Pol Pot regime (20 years ago). I wondered if the prisoners had passed down the same road and seen the same houses then that I did today. I felt the warmth and peace of the day and the surroundings were echoing irony to the horrors that occurred there.

I went back to the hotel, got my things and checked in at the airport. Soon I was flying over Cambodia back again to Vietnam. When I landed in Saigon, a charming young woman who worked in the transit department for Vietnam airlines, helped me with my transit. She said ‘follow me’ and I easily said ‘I would be delighted to follow you.’ When we returned to the desk where her female colleagues were, I happily announced to them that I had fallen in love with their co-worker. They seemed delighted, everyone smiling. I felt that they took me seriously. She led me upstairs and told me to wait. When she returned I gave her my card and asked if I could have her phone number. She seemed happy to give it to me. She wrote down her address (as I had mine) and I told her I would write and assured her I would come back.

I had a bad connection in Hong Kong, since my flight was fifty minutes late, so I missed it and had to take a plane via London (instead of Zurich) to Basil. Karl and I missed our first appointment but made it up in the afternoon.

February 12 MON Stuttgart
[L] [A]

Because of the situation, I not only did not have a girl here but did not have much time to consider finding one. I acutely realize how much I thrive on sleeping with/ being with women. I keep my eyes open all the time, and I take the business of women seriously in terms of trying to a) stay in contact, b) being reliable to follow-up with them when I say I will, c) always pursuing new women as they come into the line of my path.

(960212 Landing in London)

The last week has been full of events, and I am landing in London. They’ll soon make me switch this off.

I feel guilty right now, mostly because of Amy’s upset with me and this was reinforced even by something as removed as the movies I watched on the flight. It seems that the moralistic vein pumps through our literature, our thoughts, our advertisements, our movies, everything we come into contact with.

The biggest single event of the last week was going to Angkor Wat. It should go without saying, being as though it is one of the Seven Wonders of the World, that it was stunningly majestic, a work of perfection. At last a dream of many years has been fulfilled. Twelve years ago, I came through Thailand, and I suppose it was at that time that I first began to wish to go there. The first sight of the moat was a thrill. We spent two nights there and visited it and surrounding temples three times.

February 13 TUE Heimbuchenthal (near Aschaffenburg)
[L]

I don’t see as many women here in Germany that appeals to me in the same way that Asians do. Their noses seem too long, they seem too tall. Perhaps even more importantly, they do not give me the feeling of power that Asians do. Let’s take it a step further. The Asian women living in Asia fill me with a sense of power. But the Asian women in western countries don’t have that profound effect. I would describe the power in simple terms: they make me feel like it’s easy to approach them, like I am unafraid. Take for example the airline helper at the Saigon Airport.
(!!!)

February 14 WED Düsseldorf
[L]

Calls today:
Amy (in love)

Amber (a little defensive, but invited me to Hawaii with her, yet said she could not make love then; still confirms she loves me)

Haruka (in love)

tried to reach (Mei, Angela, Laura)

I have been quite surprised at the seemingly positive effects of beer on my sexuality. Relating back to when I returned from Everest (when I drank about a beer a day), I am starting to experiencing those same involuntary hard-ons as I did then.

(960214 On Autobahn headed towards Düsseldorf, 5:40 p.m.)

I thought I would break up this long diary entry of 960212. I get weary of always recording what happened in a dry historical fashion. I really prefer to write in the here and now. Karl (our new European rep) is driving his Audi 8 cylinder. He just got the car up to 130 mph (220 km/hr). He says if he did not have his snow tires on her would go about 260 km/hr! This car is really well built. Outside every tree is dusted with snow, all is in tones of white, gray and black in the oncoming darkness. We drive along in the perfectly air controlled 22 degree Celsius cabin interior. Tonight we spend in Düsseldorf. Although I do not normally drink beer, I cannot help but partake daily because the German beer is so wonderful. It is like drinking cream it is so smooth.

February 15 THU Düsseldorf

Laura (in love), Ma Dan (I think in love, MD, when asked, confirms she wants to see me and misses me), Amy (in love)

February 16 FRI Frankfurt

Amy

I have been too busy and wonder what the purpose of this business trip is if I cannot get laid! I am in somewhat a state of anticipation over seeing Angela.

February 17 SAT Port of Spain
960217 En route to Trinidad via Miami from Frankfurt
[L] [S]

The past week, since I left Cambodia, Karl Jansky and I have been driving around southwestern Germany and Holland visiting engineers. It has been a time filled with some really excellent German food and German beer. The business has been interesting and informative. So the time seems well spent. Karl has for the most part been an interesting and good companion.

Despite all these good things, I have been lonely for the company of women. Karl and I were in a different place almost every night, and there was little opportunity to meet girls, combined with the fact that, being as though it was a business trip, I did not feel free to approach women, such as the waitresses that served us, with nearly the abandon that I might have if I was alone. So unfortunately every night has been spent alone. I really don’t much like this life. Most days it snowed and/or rained. The women seemed very tall, and I was not nearly as attracted to their size and their “sophistication” as I am to the petite-ness and “innocent” (or “ignorance”) of their Asian counterparts.

I wonder after my life.

I have made many phone calls this week to Asia and America.

I talked to Ma Dan. My sense was that she still likes me, even though she teases me. For example, I asked her if she missed me and she indicated she did. Then I asked her if she wanted to see me and she said No. I was taken aback, and I asked her again, and she indicated that she was only teasing me and that she did want to see me. I told her I would come next month. One time when I told her that I love her, she commented that I could say that (easily) to many women. I paused and said ‘Oh, so that’s it.’ I think this comment on her part provides a look into her mind. I could of course be wrong, but I think that it could say that she is interested in me but she recognizes that she could be one of many and she is reluctant on that note. I do feel for her in a very special way. When I am with her, she appears “completely beautiful.”

I called Amy almost every day. She, I think, was happy that I paid her so much attention.

I had a nice conversation with Haruka. We both vowed our love. Oddly, since the news of her incestuous relationship with her father, I feel much closer to her. Somehow she seems more real to me. And I sometimes get an inkling that if it was not for the language barrier, a real and dear love could blossom between us. I told her I would come next month.

{Note: excerpt from the Congress of Penguins movie:
175,000 whales died
15 million hectoliters of whale oil
Thrown live penguins into the cookers to keep themselves warm because sometimes they did not want to go through the trouble of killing them first as they were ‘tough little buggers.’
Questions the penguins might ask:
1. What color are thoughts?
2. What number expresses pain?
3. Do you know what we dream about?}

I talked with Laura. Again, I feel that our love affair is renewed. She seems to be less distressed than before about the distance between us. The thing that surprised me most is that the way she made love to me coupled with the words she uses, etc. it really appears as if she loves me and is faithful to me. Could I be so lucky?

{My friend Ed tried to call the number Xong Xue Mei gave me for her parents but he said it was just a (tobacco?) factory. I told him that was right - that her parents lived in a factory - but he said that the person didn’t recognize her name. I called Zhou Zhong Guang, her former co-worker, but her said that he had not talked to her. He did say that she had left a message with him about three days earlier but he had not been able to reach her. He still felt that she was at her home. I felt somewhat relieved because, when I pointed out to him my concern that he would move places at work again, he gave me his home telephone number. I told him that I would call him again next week.}

I called Amber at about 5:30 p.m. her time one day at work. She invited me to Hawaii. At the same time she said that she hoped that I would not be angry by the fact that she could not make love to me (if I went there with her). Her comment seemed somewhat defensive to me. We had already talked about her reluctance in our last conversation. Why should she bring it up to me again? Therefore, it seemed a meaningless comment to the extent that its purpose could not be to ward off my advance. I felt it was just a nervous comment on her part, and then why would she be nervous other than the fact that the very act of making love was a possibility in her mind? She confirmed that she still wanted to see me, and she could touch me, and that she loved me. I do look forward to touching her. I miss her.

On other fronts, I think occasionally of Loan in Saigon—and why should I? Most would call her a whore…undoubtedly. But how does she differ from other womankind, only insofar that, in many, many cases, her services come more immediately and with less expense? Who is one woman to call her ‘just a whore’ for accepting $80 to fuck me when the same accuser would demand a wedding ring costing thousands of dollars. Granted there is a difference. But I point this out because ‘even a whore’ may have feelings, cares, even loves, dislikes; I think, in short, human like everyone else. There is a level which a prostitute can reach when she is used up and on drugs, degenerated into only a consumer of men with no care and in fact even a desire to cheat. But Loan seems so far from this. I have never been able to have feelings about a bar girl of any duration, so in my view, at least, this is different.

I think to call Karla Thomas in Chicago as I will be going through the Chicago airport in four days. I wonder if she could meet me there for a half an hour to an hour. She is the black girl that I asked to model as she (and her boyfriend) left the restaurant some six months ago.

I did not call Zaneta, though I plan to.

Sometimes I think of falling in love with a completely beautiful woman. My concept might be different than others (no doubt), but essentially someone young enough to have perfectly clear skin, fine features and no significant flaws; she would be intelligent and sensitive, creative and know how to love, and she would have a lithe figure, smooth, nice breasts and a small vagina.

I wonder what to do with my life. Essentially I have a few problems. One is that I am afraid (and I don’t even like writing about it) of catching an incurable disease from having sex. Still at the same time, I want very much to make love to a lot of women. Amy had a test a couple of months ago and it was negative. Still, there is no telling when one might expose oneself. I could practice sex with a condom only but I do not usually have a good experience with them. It would be really nice to be able to have sex with a lot of girls and not have to worry about disease.

I don’t know if it is because of this or because of other things, but I am approaching my life from a short term standpoint. That is, on many issues, I try to enjoy things sooner than later. It seems to me that we cannot tell how long we will live no matter how safe we try to play it. I even feel, when I consider it philosophically, that if I died today, I would not have much to regret, for I have lived more already in my life than most others live in four or five lifetimes. I have traveled all over the world, not just under the confines of business, but also with a flair for adventure.

Then, in terms of a selfish viewpoint about ‘getting my share out of life’, I feel that I have already gotten it. In that sense I do not feel that I must live longer. Don’t misconstrue this to mean I am not high on life. Actually, I have a tremendous yearning to live. But still I consider how fragile life is and how we must all go. Why then should we regret the inevitable departure from this life?

The thing that I really want to live for is that there is so much unfinished ‘work’ to do. Amongst the things I want to do is to write and record music. I want to travel many more places. I want to do something to resolve the mess man has made of the planet. And I think it goes without saying that I want to have many more sexual experiences with women, ultimately to have a situation where the context of my life is that I have ten or more ‘wives’ (and lots of children) where it is accepted by them and by the community in which I live.

I keep thinking that I should contact the DA or a criminal attorney regarding just what the laws are with respect to bigamy. For example, if an Arab comes to the states who has three wives, is it illegal? What determines when bigamy itself is illegal? If you have a wife in one country, is it patently illegal to have a wife in another, and if so, who determines that it is, and who pursues (or has the jurisdiction to pursue) it?

Yes, I have so many things I want to do. Another obvious one is photography. I want to photograph so many beautiful women. Right now I am barely “scratching the surface” of what I have in mind. Jock once pointed out to me that he (unlike me) doesn’t make love with his models. Yes, it is true that I would like to make love with mine. His photographs are wonderful. Still, I think there is something very interesting about the idea of making love to my models, or even having it be part of my art, in the remembrance of the intimacy the artist shared with the model. Jock also told me stories (for example about Arthur Stiglitz’ wife) where the art transcended just because of the relationship. As he said ‘The photograph is a relationship between the photographer and the subject.’ I think for example that my photograph ‘Ms. Nguyen is Leaving’ (not yet enlarged) is enhanced greatly by the fact that there is a story about it.

On the other hand, I don’t want the limitations of my love life to limit who my models are. Jock’s models are inherently more beautiful, and as such, as he said ‘the quality of the model makes all the difference’ (or some such statement).

There is so much more to do.

Sometimes I wonder at how I do things. I know that a person (myself) is tremendously more effective when they have gained the requisite knowledge to a task.. I know that if I realized/perceived life differently at this moment I would recognize myriad opportunities that I do not even now imagine, and I, if I had learned the skill to effect the result, would be able to turn them into a life I cannot now even dream could be possible. But whence does this miracle come? How can I see more acutely into my life?

For example, I say that I want to do music, but I do not. Many times when I hear the rubbish that is produced I think ‘I can do much better than that’, and yet the realization that I may not do better frightens me away from trying. And it is true that the biggest single problem I have is time.

I feel I need to look more carefully at my life and analyze with more insight the things I do. How many are really contributing to a fulfilled life? What is a fulfilled life?

I think I almost subconsciously avoid or put off doing many things. For example, I think it would be nice to have children. But I am very afraid of the current pressures on parents to be “super parents.” I think I would be very good to my children, but I fear the state of my own society where, for example, all a child has to do is accuse a parent of wrongdoing and the extremists are all too ready to jump on the bandwagon of persecution. I liken it to a witch hunt, for it seems to me that a person need only to have the accusation made and that “wrongdoing” is not a prerequisite for punishment. (What about my own experience with Joy where she accused me and I was completely innocent!)

Maybe it is unrealistic to expect a great deal of “direction” in my life. After all, the very context of my existence is out of my control.

[Note: I find it ironic in a world where disparate inequality is inherent in all things for “equality” to be the politically correct benchmark.; most often the hypocrites who cry out for it the loudest are most ignorant of their own contribution to it (inequality).]

February 18 SUN Port of Spain

February 19 MON Port of Spain
[L] [A]

Zomaida (”Nisha”) Mohamed.

At Carnival my friend and I had the idea to ask each pretty girl we saw to a party (of our creation/imagination) at my Hotel at midnight that night. A lot of girls said ‘I’ll be there’. I watched a couple of shirtless fat older guys trying to get close to an Indian girl who was dancing. She looked kind of sleazy, but sexy. I was about 20 feet away. She called out something to me and I approached her and asked her what she said. What with the loud music, she and I yelled in each other’s ears to hear and my hand slipped around her waist and she grabbed me - and I cannot say which happened first. I forget what the question was, maybe something like ‘What are you looking at (since she later informed me that she thought I was looking at her”). Anyway my recollection was that I gave her a straight answer (i.e., honest) to whatever it was. I told her about the party at midnight at the Hotel Normandie and she asked me again what time it was and the Hotel name. She then asked me ‘What are you doing now?’ I asked her if she ‘wanted to be with me’ (or ‘go with me’ {around}) and she said Yes. We were immediately in each other’s arms.

She told her fat Indian girlfriend that she was going with me and her friend wanted to be with my friend, but my friend didn’t want to be with her. (I could see why.) So Nisha and I walked off with our arms around each other. We walked to my car (about a mile away) and I couldn’t find it, and rented a taxi to find it and finally did, and in the meantime I was saying I wanted a swim at my hotel; she in turn said that she wanted me to take her by her place of work to pick up her things. So it seemed obvious that we were going to fuck. I had the distinct feeling that it was going to be good. See, there is always some apprehension and anticipation over what it will be like. Sometimes I feel less confident than at other times, but with Nisha I felt strongly that it was going to be great, and I told myself ‘I bet you five dollars that it will be great’. When we got to my room, I went out, took a short swim and kind of stretched my un-exercised muscles, took a shower, got in bed. I had had about 4 beers during the day and it was now about 6 p.m.

She just kind of laid on the bed and we talked about the subject of sexually transmitted disease, which she brought up (saying she certainly did not want to get it). She was blatantly honest to the extent that she let me know that the kind of work she did was to entertain men at her club. She said ‘So you understand what kind of work I do?’ I said ‘Yes.’ I asked how many men she’d slept with and I proposed that the number was 100 or something like that and she said ‘Oh no nothing like that.’ I said ‘50′ and she said that it wasn’t that many. She said she’d been doing this for four or five years. She said she was called in maybe twice a month. (But as I am writing this it makes me feel even by her own account she cannot add and multiply.) Anyway, I used protection. She really turned me on completely. She told me (in a charming way) how much men liked her. She said ‘All the men want to have me. I’m bony and all the men want to be with me.’

She was petite like this: I could put the heel of my hand against her hip bone and my fingertips would amply reach to her other hip bone. It just excited me how petite she was. The first time we made love I put on the condom and she got on top of me. She gyrated so well and her pussy felt so good, I think she got off, I was excited and wanted to come so much, and just a little apprehensive because everything was so perfect and I was just feeling like it would be just like life to have something prevent it from finishing in perfect style, but actually it ended in ‘Olympic’ style because I had a breathtaking orgasm. She later teased me that she hoped that I wasn’t heard outside the room. (I gave it a 101 on a scale of 100.)

She asked me then if she could be my girlfriend and told me straight out she would like to be my wife. Later on, we fucked again where I was on top facing her and I gave it a 97, and in the middle of the night I did it to her on top from her backside and I gave it a 77, lower because her movements weren’t as cooperative and she got on top etc. and I finally moved her back to the position I wanted. The next day we did it twice and I gave it a 79 and a 90.

When she came to the airport with me next morning, she said ‘By the way, I love you.’ I told her I loved her too. She cried when she said goodbye. She was on one hand pretty rough around the edges, but she did have a nice facial structure and I really liked the way she spoke and the kind of rustically, colloquially charming way that she expressed herself. I felt that others liked her. I found myself surprised at how much I liked her. She had a four year old son whom she says she loves very much. She said she didn’t like her line of work and wanted to get out of it, to be in some business, like maybe cooking (which she said she loved to do and would do next time with me).

She was the first girl I was ever with who had a nose pierce, though it was delicately small, a little gem stone on a mount. To me surprise, she really ended up seeming like a legitimate person. I really liked her, found her charming. (Did I already say that before?)

This day marks a very important experience for me. After avoiding using condoms based on my thinking that they eliminated my potential for pleasure, I had a dream come true in a way insofar that I met a chick, and within a couple of hours we were in bed, I used a condom and the sex was great with a breathtaking orgasm. This boosted my ego substantially and reinforces my confidence. I have to start to accept the obvious: that good sex is largely chemistry between two people; that is, then, I cannot always control the outcome. If the woman isn’t doing her part, I can’t just “perform.” On the other hand, if she is, and if she turns me on, then food or beer, exercise or the lack of it is secondary.

February 20 TUE Port of Spain
[L]

Nicole Kim, Trinidadian girlfriend of my new American acquaintance, beautiful and charming.

Meanwhile while all this stuff was going on with Nisha, I was telling Nicole that I loved her. I cannot tell exactly what all the signals meant. Hopefully will feel like elaborating on this later.

February 21 WED San Francisco
[L]

I am coming back from Carnival, having arrived Saturday night and today being (Ash) Wednesday. I had an awesome time.

At Carnival, I tried to meet a really foxy girl who was dancing like crazy at a “fete.” I more or less knew she wasn’t interested but kept insinuating myself in her vicinity. At first I made it clear that I was interested by getting two by-standing guys to talk to her about my interest, but she did not want to talk to me. Later someone pushed me into her and we started “wining” (that is the Trinidadian term for dancing in such a way that my front was shoved against her rear and gyrating).

After the fete I approached her and her friend and told them that I wanted to have them model. Her “cousin” told me I could meet them at The Oval the next night. When I saw her cousin the next night, I was told that the other two wanted to [be with?] me, but when she brought me to her, the girl was obviously not interested. Still I wanted a straight answer. She never gave me one, but I gave up when she started wining with another guy.

February 22 THU San Francisco
[L]

Got call from Nicole to my surprise, talked for nearly 2 hours. I felt warmth from her, interest. Also got call from Nisha same day. Interested to see me. Said she’ll call soon with a number I can reach her at. Made agreement to try to go to Australia together in the summer.
February 23 FRI San Francisco

February 24 SAT San Francisco Amber

February 25 SUN San Francisco Haruka, Laura, short phone calls: both positive
February 26 MON San Francisco

Amber; I called Nicole in evening. She said she had called me earlier but I wasn’t home. Things getting warmer. Said that Brian is leaving to live in the Virgin Is. Said she was sad.

February 27 TUE San Francisco
[L]
Ma Dan: O.K., said yes when asked if she wanted to see me

This was an incredible night insofar as that Amber gave me a blow job, albeit at times reluctantly, in her car. I came in her mouth and she swallowed it. This was the first time that I had an orgasm with her and the first blow job she ever gave to me.

February 28 WED San Francisco

February 29 THU San Francisco

MAR 1996

March 1 FRI San Francisco

March 2 SAT San Francisco

At this point, we were both feeling fairly disinterested in sex. Not in mind, but in body

March 3 SUN San Francisco

March 4 MON San Francisco I called Nicole; Amber, Haruka called me. Amber told me that Jack told her he wants a divorce.

March 5 TUE San Francisco

March 6 WED San Francisco

March 7 THU San Francisco (Portland day)

March 8 FRI San Francisco (Phoenix day)

March 9 SAT San Francisco
[L]

I was really hungry by the time Amber and I actually fucked. I only lasted a short time once I got it in. I was wasted and the lack of food really made a difference, especially after coming once already. It was the first time we fucked. I could not believe it. After struggling and struggling finally Amber said ‘O.K. just let me up and I’ll undress myself.’

March 10 SUN San Francisco

Left message with __ [Amber] at her office.
Feeling unbelieving over making love with __ [Amber] last night.

March 11 MON San Francisco

March 12 TUE San Francisco

Spent most of day and evening with Asami (and her friend). At the end of the night, after being rather distant, Asami told me that if I promised to stop if she said No, then she would try to see me next time I was in Japan.

March 13 WED San Francisco

Received love/dislike letter from Mei.

March 14 THU San Francisco

March 15 FRI San Francisco

March 16 SAT San Francisco Haruka called

March 17 SUN San Francisco Haruka called

March 18 MON Norwood, MA

Long talk Nicole.
Note from 1997 Jan 5: About 6 weeks ago, I told Jack about my affair with Amber. I tried to show him these notes, but found them to be very incomplete, so I thought to make a few extra notes here. One point is that on this night on the way to Norwood, I called Jack from a car phone I had rented. At this point, he was in the middle of telling me about the situation with regards to their divorce. He was withholding information and commented that he felt he could no longer trust me since I was now biased. I was withholding information, and I think he could sense it. In my vague recollection, it seems that it was about this time that we also had a conversation in my living room in which he was sort of pissed off because I would not give my blessing for him to try to have Amy. (Not that she would have agreed.) He more or less said that he would like me to cut it off with Amber. By this time, it was too late, and I was thinking that I would be able to convince Amber to be my lover on a regular basis. From this time on until I divulged the truth in November, I kept secretive about what was really going on.

March 19 TUE West Newton, MA

2 hr Nicole, 2 calls Amy

This night Nicole and I even got sexual on the phone and we made plans for me to visit her next Tue.

March 20 WED San Francisco

Nicole re trip

March 21 THU San Francisco

Received call from Mei, told her I loved her.

March 22 FRI San Francisco As noted Amy was very upset with me from reading letters.
March 23 SAT San Francisco

received from Laura, + one I didn’t answer. Amy was trying to influence me not to accept the calls so late, then I didn’t answer and realized that I would not be happy to be so influenced and said so. Later she said I could accept them. Went to see Amber. I had very little time and kind of just for the hell of it I said that I wanted to fuck her, then later I changed that to I wanted her to suck me. She said since her ‘divorce talk’ was imminent she did not want to do anything. I showed my disappointment but then inside I kind of knew I was merely in a bad mood, I think set off by Amy’s nagging the night before. In fact this morning Amy and I had a heart to heart talk. It turned out that the reason that she was so upset was because (as usual) she’d read my letters. In fact, I had a marathon letter writing session and had copied them all, so she read a concentrate of love protestation to about five different girls. I could understand her reaction but still she had invaded my privacy.

March 24 SUN Charlotte

In the morning, I feel so horny I wonder how I can last till Friday.

March 25 MON Orlando
[L] [S]

Nicole not home, Amy.

I called Nicole but she did not answer. Talked with Amy awhile. Went to dinner with a woman Doug met on the plane (three of us).

En route to Orlando
Dear diary:
I note that my last entry to you was on February 17th. I cannot concentrate because the pilot’s announcement is distracting. There, it’s off now. I’m on the plane to Orlando. I feel stressed out. I don’t feel too good, but this is not normal for me lately. I’ve been enjoying my life immensely. For many reasons. I enjoy my times with Amy. We fuck great. We laugh a lot. She doesn’t like my other girls but she, so far, has stayed with me. In the last month I have done an awful lot.

On Tuesday February 27th Amber (Jack’s wife) gave me my first orgasm with her by giving me a blow job in her car in the parking lot of a park in Burlingame, out near the water. It felt awesomely good, and the thought of it while I write makes my penis aroused. She swallowed it because my semen took her by surprise, and she went through her normal routine of complaining about it afterwards. I said I was sorry and that I didn’t mean to. The thought of her lips on me excites me now that I am thinking of it. I am getting horny now!

Then on March 9th (after giving me another bow job to orgasm earlier in the day), I got her to agree to fuck me. It was such a struggle that it took considerable fun out of it. For example, I was starving by the time we did it, but I could not take the time out to eat. I could not let up for a minute in my persistence. Since then, she has given me two more blow jobs, meaning, in the last month, she’s blown me four times and fucked me once, all to orgasm. The feeling she gives me when she sucks me is pretty great. She’s got the sexiest lips.

Meanwhile, other things are happening. I have been on the phone with Nicole Lee Kim from Trinidad. She informs me she has broken up with Brian. After several conversations, we are practically having sex on the phone. Originally, I was not planning on going there until May, but things have gotten so interesting (she keeps telling me how horny she is) that then I planned to go tomorrow. It was originally because I was going to be in Orlando today (and tomorrow for a meeting). Then it so happened that we (Doug and I) have to go to England to try to secure the Siemens job. Originally, even though it seemed crazy, I figured that I would simply get on a plane from Orlando-Miami-Trinidad and spend two nights there. Nicole originally told me that during the week was good, but as we kept talking and I became serious about coming, she said that she’d see me. The England trip changed that, and now the plan is: Orlando-Newcastle, Newcastle-London-Trinidad, arriving Friday afternoon in Port of Spain. We are supposed to meet at the Tropical Hotel at 5:30 p.m. in Rookery Nook in Maravelle. Amongst the choice things she has said is (something like): “I want to settle down on every inch of you.”

This is a very interesting trio for me: Amy, Amber and Nicole. All three of them have some great yet diverse qualities. Amy is very sensuous and a great fuck, a great friend. Amber has the innocence and inexperience and small body. While the other two are very attractive, Nicole has the really beautiful face and appearance.

Meanwhile, there is more. For a while, Mei dropped out. She was gone to her home. Then when she called upon return, she was so disillusioned. When Ed translated our call, she, according to him, said that she could see no reason to talk again. But when Ed got off and the conversation was reduced to the raw visceral level of the few words that we had in common (I love you, I want you, I need you, You’re a big stupid egg, When are you coming?) she seemed to lighten up on my case a little. She basically related to page her (if and) when I returned to Shanghai. When I got off the telephone, I thought about it for a few days and estimated that there might be a period of a couple of weeks when I did not hear from her. I figured that however unhappy with me she might be, she would eventually come to the conclusion that I was the best option. I got a call from her after about a week, a short call. I felt a little awkward because Amy was upstairs and I was in bed and I did not ‘make over her’ to the extent I felt the situation merited. She had to get off. She called again last Thursday and I told her to call again on Friday, which she did. We talked awhile, this time much more friendly. I insisted to her that I loved her and I think she finally realized that I did.

I was overcome by the pangs of the realization of beauty
It was everywhere in such touching abundance that my mind shut off
For a moment
Then came the rush of vision once more
Till, like in one huge orgasmic groan, like a birth,
I would never forget.

We often do not realize what is at stake.
Where good business dictates to give something for free,
the clerk will follow the policy of denial.
Where good policy would steer us to bend the rules
the example-maker delights in enforcing them
It seems to me that even when our own collective happiness is at stake
it is little matter
the stupidity of maintaining
the way things have always been
the unforgiving iron beam of tradition
the unenlightened ‘graspingness’ of materialism
impinge on us, the voluntary victims
swallowed whole
by the giant fish of the dark void.
We hold high in the name of God the very seeds
of the destruction of our well being
when the obviousness of harmony
goes unseen.

March 26 TUE En route to UK

[L]

Nicole, Amy, Robin Jones—just met, a married woman from North Carolina.

I reached Nicole and talked with her for about 1 hour. It was surprisingly nice and intimate. I feel in some respects that it is like I have known her for a long time, like she is my wife. I was surprised because I felt as if we were actually able to have sincere communication. I was also surprised because it seems that she felt she needed approval from me, an invitation if you will, to spend the night with me (or do you want me to go back home?). I told her I wanted her to stay over. She said that she would pack her bags so that on Monday she could go straight to work. And she joked ‘I guess we won’t be seeing the light outside the Tropical (Hotel)’ (referring to not leaving the room). And she commented about ‘not forgetting to bring condoms!’ She seems very open. I admitted to feeling of guardedness—that is so that I don’t take her too seriously because (if) ‘I couldn’t trust her’. I really liked the conversation. Right now as I write this, I really wish I was with her.

Afterwards I called Amy. She is very sweet and loving. Before I called Nicole, I called Robin Jones. She is a woman who sat next to Doug on the plane. We went to dinner with her. She’s 38 years old and married. I called her after I got back to my room. She said she would like to but she has her own standards (of conduct) to keep. She wants to set me up with a 40-year old woman whom she works for. Or if that doesn’t work, she says, then one of her other friends. She told me that she could not imagine why a single woman would want to turn me away. She made me feel attractive.

March 27 WED Newcastle
Nicole

March 28 THU Newcastle
Nicole, Amy

March 29 FRI Port of Spain
[L]

I think the most awesome weekend of sexual pleasure, lust and love I have ever had. From the moment Nicole and I saw each other we were happy in each other’s arms. We fucked each other four times the first night. Beginning with the third time, she requiring me to use a condom. Our sex was lusty. Every time was great and I seemed to know no limitations. Her pussy was delightful and so was her mouth. I was immensely attracted to her and her smells. The first time I almost came immediately but held back and told her not to move. Several times this happened until she said I was driving her crazy. Then I lost my will to hold back and juiced on the bed, hiding the fact that I had not used a condom. She gave me a blow job not long after that and then I fucked her second time, longer than before. But the third time was as hot as I wanted, and longer yet and more pounding and I could feel her vagina she clearly. My! was it nice. From behind I put my hands in front and thrust while pressing her lips around my dick. It was delightful, over 100 felt like 105. Then again before we slept, again awesome.

March 30 SAT Toco, Trinidad
[L]

We made love twice in the morning before we left for the north coast. I was hungry and tired the first time but it was still good. I was surprised I felt more energetic the second time and we did it again. We drove to the north coast and she sucked my dick a little while I drove but there were too many people around to do that in broad daylight. I took nudes of her on the beach. On the way we stopped and fucked in the car. It was awesome—except we were interrupted. At first I kissed her vagina. It smelled so good, wow! Then she sat on me. I held her little bun with one hand and she slid up and down on my hard cock, the sensation was very tight and clear. After being interrupted I laid her down and she had her legs up. It was great—very tight, me very hard. Note that in the first twenty-four hours together we made love seven times. We rented a room after dinner and, trying to hide our sounds from the people in the room next to ours, we fucked, me doing it to her from behind. The sounds were pretty obvious though, especially near the end.

March 31 SUN Port of Spain
[L]

In the morning we were let to use another room as we had left the guest house and slept on a mat outside with a mosquito coil at the beach resort. We fucked again, again it was intimately and intensely delightful. We slept a long time, till 12 noon. Again kissing passionately all day long and really loving each other romantically, laughing, touching, and playing. swimming. Took more nudes on the beach rocks. On the way back she gave me a blow job but I couldn’t come in her mouth I think because I was on an empty stomach, and anyway she wanted me to fuck her because she was just too horny. Her pussy was dripping wet. I laid her down on the seat of the land rover and fucked her really good. When we got back to the hotel, I fucked her but did not come. She wanted me to kiss her pussy so she could orgasm which was successful. After dinner we made love for the eleventh time this weekend, again delightful.

April 1996

Monday April 1, 1996
San Francisco
[L] [S]

Called Nicole when I got to Gam’s: she said she missed me so much; called Amber on the way home

Feeling pretty studly. When I got home Amy and I fucked twice in the car and once at home, all hot.

960401 En route to San Francisco from Miami from Port of Spain

I have just had perhaps the most exciting pleasurable weekend of my whole life, having spent it with the very sexy Nicole Lee Kim of Port of Spain, Trinidad. We made love eleven times by the count of my orgasm, from Friday night at about 7:00 p.m. when we met until last night at about midnight. Shortly after we were alone in my room at the Tropical Hotel at 6 Rookery Nook, we laid down together. Within about an hour and a half, we made love for the first time, and by the time we went to sleep that night we had made love four times. After we had made love once or twice, she passed a comment about how I had the “equipment” (to satisfy her), and I felt quite complimented and encouraged. By the end of the first twenty four hours we had made love seven times. But the best of it is that the sex was great, really intensely pleasurable and hot, with her sweet velvety sensuous kisses sprinkled in it. Her pussy smells so good and she tastes so good, it is perhaps the nicest pussy I have ever had the pleasure to lick and to fuck passionately and repeatedly. In addition, she appeared so beautiful while we rode down the highway, and at the beach, her face truly and naturally attractive. And her charm was the best of all. She is funny and we laughed and teased.

The first night, after we had made love a few times, we drove around town and then back to the hotel. It was mostly just a night of lovemaking, getting to know each other’s bodies. The next day we didn’t awake until about 10 a.m. We made love twice in the morning, and we actually did not start driving to Toco on the north east corner of the island until about 2:30 p.m. We arrived at the east coast and took a swim where a river meets the ocean. We frolicked in the water. She is playful like a kid (though she’s 25 and will be 26 in November). She tried, as an example, to stuff seaweed down my pants and then I “retaliated” by shoving a huge wad in her swim suit. We laughed giddily. We hugged there in the water. I had my arms around her luminescent pink bathing suit and felt her body and her crotch.

Further up the road she began to suck my dick while I was driving, but we had to stop because the people on the side of the road would be able to see if they looked. We continued past Toco to a place on the coast where she posed nude for my camera. I was surprised and delighted that she would do so. It became dark and we went on to the end of the road to Matelot. It was one of those decisions that I thought I would see what the outcome of pushing on would be. We got to the riverside in Matelot and kissed under the starlight. Heading back, we stopped and cleared a space in the back of the Suzuki land rover that I had rented and I sat in the seat and brought her crotch to my face for the first time. She smelled wonderful. She sat down on my dick and started to move up and down on me. It was sensational. After awhile her pussy seemed to grow very tight around it and she lifted up high, making it feel as if it was stretching long and hard. Some dogs started to bark and a man and his boy, who had come to see what the ruckus was about, shone a flashlight from a distance of about 16 feet. We stopped and she felt embarrassed to continue after they had left, so I laid her down on the seat and fucked the shit out of her - an expression to signify that I gave it to her really good. Her legs were up and my dick felt large and engorged meeting her own engorged and excited pussy.

After this we found the Mt. Plaisir Resort on the beach. This is a place where the sea turtles lay their eggs. Nicole had told me that the nesting season was in June, but the proprietor, an Italian named Pierro, told us that even that very night they could be seen. This fellow took a rather obvious fancy to Nicole and I felt jealous. Nicole and I were both tired and after dinner we went to the beach to see if there were any turtles but there were not. We discussed whether we should be monogamous, or rather whether she should be, while I was away. I had at first said that it was her decision, but she seemed to want it that way which made me jealous even more. I said, ‘I hate you’ to her, but I was thinking she understood that it should translate to ‘I love you and I need reassurance.’ But of course she took it the wrong way, so I did the translation for her and explained that I was just frustrated and not serious, but that I loved her. She explained that she was really holding back her feelings because she did not want to get hurt (again).

We went to sleep at ‘Frieda’s house’, an old black woman who gave us a room with no mosquito net nor mosquito coils and the windows open. The room next door had guests with whom we shared a common ceiling. Nicole laid on her stomach and I fucked her from behind but the bed was so soft, it made noise no matter how I tried to keep it quiet. I stopped for a moment and then I realized I would not orgasm unless I just let go (which would make noise). So I pumped her, and I could hear the bed creaking (and thought they must be smirking), but again the orgasm and sex, hot as it was underneath the sheet, with mosquitoes buzzing in our ears, was hot, intense and wonderful - again.

Now here I will mention that in my spreadsheets I am keeping track of how food and alcohol or the lack of it affects my sex drive. If I examine what I have been eating and how much rest or exercise I’ve had, my conclusion is that the prime factor in good sex is the woman’s interest, and this is of course combined with my own for her. That means that if the woman is really wanting it and so am I, this desire can overcome lack of proper food or rest. But to be clear, I think this wanting has to be a natural, rather than an intellectual, wanting. To sum it up, if the chemistry is right between two people, I think that it is the most important factor. Second to that are many other factors, none of which by itself can make good sex, but overall, as a group, and in general, they do help, I think:
a) food
b) rest
c) exercise
d) good health
e) relaxation
f) trust
g) familiarity
h) a time and a place
i) nice words and comforting vibrations.

[!!!]

I absolutely could not sleep afterwards. Whereas I had felt so tired, now I did not anymore. I wanted to get up and get out of there. The mosquitoes in the room had bit me so much on my ankles that they stung. We left and walked back to [the] resort. It was after 1 a.m. Patrick, the night watchman, helped us by getting a mosquito coil and a foam mattress, and Nicole and I slept under the cabana in each other’s arms.

In the middle of the night, I awoke to urinate. Out on the beach I could see a large turtle moving its forefeet. But it was so dark I satisfied myself with what I had seen and went back to Nicole’s arms.

In the first light of day I awoke and went back to the beach and the same turtle was working its way back to shore. I ran and got Nicole. We watched the turtle struggle. She was bold and touched it. I got my camera and took pictures of her with it. A bunch of Indian people saw us with it and came down. We ended up helping her into the water. I think the turtle had been trying to get in the water since the night when I’d first seen her, but the tide kept receding. She seemed exhausted. In the end, she sailed out to sea, and I had the experience of pushing on her shell and helping to move her to the water.

Afterwards we slept again until finally the leering Pierro woke us ‘good morning’ and picked up my camera and took a photograph of us. (He was a photographer by trade.) He offered to let us sleep in his mother’s room (she visiting from Italy). We went to the quiet room in the back and Nicole and I again fucked hotly and intensely, my but the feeling is good!, and then we slept again until noon. We showered and then lunched. We drank sodas by the seaside and drove towards Matelot again. There is a river opening on to the sea. We went to the seaside and she posed naked for me. Now–if I have made this all seem idyllic, here is one little piece of reality. Nicole has a daughter of five, Nikita. Having been a mother, she has stretch marks on her stomach and hips, although her bathing suit hides this pretty well. I think before she was a mother, she was an incomparable beauty. If she was still in that pristine state and unattached without a daughter, and loving me the way she is now, I would probably want to have her father a child of my own and take her as a wife or some such tie. Even as she is now, she is still something of a dream girl for me. There are parts of her, particularly the size and shape of her body and her face, that really attract me very much. The child and the visible signs of childbirth make me pause to rush in. But still I might want a permanent liaison with her, I just don’t know yet. I feel I really love her, and being able to gather my thoughts now that I am away from her, allows me to realize that I have already fallen in love and feel attached to her.

The photographs were hard to take in the direct sun because of her flaws. Yet I think I may have taken a beautiful photograph of her. Her face and skin in particular looked exquisite. It made me realize the profound advantage of a profoundly beautiful model. If I can locate profoundly beautiful women to model, it should make it much easier to gain acceptance to my photographs.

Three young men saw us doing our photography. We finished quickly and they approached and wanted a photograph of them. I tried a Polaroid but still could not get it to work. The lowering sun beat down hard. We all went into the shade of the river and I dove off a rock. They gave us their address at the car so I could mail them their photograph.

Nicole and I drove back to Port of Spain. On the way, she gave me a blow job while I drove and I wanted her to finish it but she wanted to wait till we go to the room. She wanted me to ejaculate into her mouth so that she could taste me. I parked and she blew me, but I think I was too empty in the stomach to come, and anyway she got so hot and wet that she wanted me to fuck her. She lay down in the seat. When I felt her pussy it was almost dripping with excitement. I pumped her real good and came outside of her. She commented on how much she enjoyed it. In fact over the course of the three days, she said many things to compliment me, not the least of which was that on the drive back, she said that she was holding back because she would really like to say she loved me because she really, really, really liked me a lot. She said that I was everything she wanted.

The drive back was fun, but I must say I think I was feeling kind of disappointed because I knew the fun was about to end.

When we got to the room, we fucked for awhile but I did not come, and she wanted me to lick her to orgasm, which I did. It was really great for me because I cannot remember an instance where a girl definitely said she had an orgasm from me licking her. Nicole definitely did. We went to eat at KFC Fried Chicken and then went back to the room. We kept fucking so much this weekend that I kept thinking we would be too sore to do it again, but when we got close, it was like we could neither of us resist the other. Just so, when we went to bed, I gently kissed her pussy and she lay on her stomach again. Now that I had food in me, my horniness was more intense, and once again my pleasure was intense. Again I put my hand to her front and felt her luscious and pliable pussy lips yield to my dick as it thrust in and out of her rhythmically.

We slept deeply. In the early morning I awoke and laid there for a time just feeling her next to me. It seemed as if the dream of the weekend had passed. I think we both felt it. It had been an incredible dream, a truly wonderful sensual and sunlit weekend, a romantic encounter that is rare, even in my own sex-filled world.

—

There are many, many little moments that I cannot record due to time and forgetfulness and the moments I do not have to write. Little things like how on the first night she had me finger her for a long, long time so she could come. I was surprised at the durability of her pussy. She is like a sexual athlete. Many times she admired my stamina and my virility, and of course I felt proud and encouraged (and even more horny) because of that. She even made purring sounds, as I had joked that she reminded me of a female lion with a mane (her hair). She is a sex kitten. When I fuck a girl like her, I wonder why I don’t surround myself with women like her. I guess it is not that easy to know which ones are that sexy in bed. I mean: most girls are pretty sexy in bed, but not like Nicole. She is perfect in that respect for me.

On the way back, we talked about the practical aspects of having an ongoing affair. I suggested we see how things go until this summer when we are planning on going to Australia together. She agreed. As I told her, I wasn’t planning on coming back right away, but I suspected that I’d return sooner than either of us thought. Now I am already thinking of how I can fit in a one or two night trip to her within two weeks. It could fit in well with a business trip to Texas for example. She had passed a comment reminding me something to the effect that she ‘wasn’t going to go away that easily.’ I can understand her reluctance to just say she loves me completely and wholeheartedly. She says she’s “seen me in action” at Carnival when I dropped Angela off and picked Nisha up. I made it look like it was terribly easy for me to meet women and that I had no compunction about it.

Meeting Nicole makes me question the other things I got going on in the world of love, particularly the time-consuming and hectic, hotel-ridden trips to Asia. I was even thinking an hour or so ago that I might decide to build a house, maybe two, in Trinidad. It isn’t a bad idea on its own count, but ostensibly it would allow me to openly say I was going to Trinidad for a few days to look after things.

—–

While I have been gone on this trip, I purposely did not call Amber. But about an hour ago I felt missing her and I called her. When I told her I loved her, she said she missed me. I asked if she loved me and she said ‘Yes.’ I felt my penis start to grow. I told her about it. I asked her if her body got excited too, but she indicated it did not saying ,’My body’s O.K.’ Then I challenged her and I asked her again and she said she did feel excited. I know that reading this it may seem that she was only saying that, but actually, I felt the connection between us to be so strong and mutual that I really believe it must be true that this sexual excitement with Amber that comes on spontaneously when we make verbal confirmations of our affection is mutual. I delightedly told her that this connection between us exists regardless of how far away we are and mentioned my flying altitude as well (30,000 ft). I find this of great interest. You see, science has all but ignored that very tangible energy that exists between a man and a woman (or between people, etc.) that seems to know no bounds or time delay. When we are far apart, our thoughts can travel faster than the speed of light. The feelings I feel are so strong that it is like I can reach out and touch them, whether they be good vibes or bad ones.

[!!!]

At the Mt. Plaisir resort, there was a woman there named Gail, a black Trinidadian who was from San Fernando, that I conversed with. She was in wholehearted agreement with me regarding the near tangibility of human feeling. Now all science has to do is learn to measure it, classify it, and understand more about it.

[!!!]

—–

So here I am in my life wondering yet again what is around the corner. Sometimes I feel that I hit on some great truth. There was one I felt a month or so ago, but I did not write it down and forget what it was. I only remember feeling very certain that this thought was one of the most insightful I had ever had. I do not know all what good it is to think or record insightful thoughts. I can say that sometimes I feel so positive towards the forces in the world, towards nature, that I just feel some kind of very special connection. I wonder at death and feel unafraid. I feel that there is only one ultimate truth and that is that my spirit cannot die. I do not foresee a life after death nevertheless.
I feel almost certain that my physical body will perish eventually and that there will be no consciousness thereafter, yet at the same time inside me exists this overwhelming enthusiasm that something universal and unfolding will occur in my life as I know it.
[!!!]

Mind you, I am not predicting actual events but I am discussing the feeling that exists in my breast. This has relevance whether or not such a thing actually comes to pass. It has relevance in terms of my experience through life. Isn’t it better to have this wonderful feeling all the time than to be without it? I feel so intently the simultaneous existence of opposites within me and without me. I do not marvel (and yet I do) that I can be very hard and very soft, that I can be selfish and yet compassionate, that I can lie and still be honest. I see nothing incomprehensible in the notion that my action of placing Nicole’s hand on my penis (that night at Carnival before I was involved with her) was absolutely the most innocent act that I could do to show my affection for her, and even more so, that this act was a manifestation of my innocence.
[!!!]
[!!!]
[!!!]

Only when we lose innocence through knowledge do we preoccupy ourselves with hiding our true nature.
[!!!]
[!!!]
[!!!]

As I see it, the process of learning and obtaining knowledge is a natural one and can be a good thing but that we must ‘keep one foot firmly planted on the soil of innocence’. The way to do this is not to be too judgmental and to look deeply into the nature of the world and be humble about manmade conventions, including gods. Our conventions can be instruments of growth and health if they remain grounded in critical examination and open-mindedness. We shouldn’t let holding on to things overwhelm the need to let go of things when the time has come. With every letting go, there is a new life born and a new coming. Why should we be afraid of death? We should rejoice in life. All this freeing of preoccupation with meaningless things must be a healthy thing.
[!!!]
[!!!]
[!!!]

I see no paradox in the notion that money is meaningless and yet it is meaningful. This is easy to see if we look at it that money itself is only a symbol, it represents value, but in itself is nothingness. If we see behind the outward meaning of money, we will see that the inward meaning of money is what is important. The inward meaning of money is wealth. We all recognize real wealth intuitively. It is: good relationships, good services, doing our best, being appreciated, delighting others and being delighted, having plenty of food and health. These truths are evident. When we tie the concept of money into things that are not aligned with wealth, we become the slave of the tool. When people make money by cheating or making instruments of misery, they are losing sight of the good of the world. The answer is simple as to what to do with money: delight people, help people, build good things. Only by remembering the meaning of money (wealth, in the broader sense of richness of experience) can we begin to utilize our collective financial resources to their fuller potential.

So I walk around lately saying to many people: money is meaningless. Yet this is not in contradiction to the fact that I look after mine. Money is meaningless, but wealth is meaningful, and money can be used as a tool to approach real wealth.
[!!!]
[!!!]
[!!!]

Tuesday April 2, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Called Nicole but could not reach her; felt jealous.

Saw Amber in the evening. It was awesome. for the first time, she was flowing, sweet, more continuous with her kisses. I’ve never felt this ‘thing’ from a girl to this extent. I feel like each is like a novel experience for her. I can feel her wanting to touch my dick. I even think she was looking forward to sucking on it. When she did, it was awesome. There is no blow job like the ones that Amber gives me. I am getting hard just writing this. Her touch is like magic to me. Even the thought of her sparks my genitals. On one hand, Nicole is like the sexiest woman I have ever been with, and yet Amber brings some sort of “innocent experimentation” feeling to our encounters. It is as if this is all new and overwhelming to her; the pleasure is intense. She said it doesn’t feel this way with her husband.

Wednesday April 3, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Received calls from Nisha (Trinidad), Mei (China); called Ma Dan (China), Haruka (Japan). Called left message for Amber. Called and received calls from Nicole.

Today Nicole made my spirits soar. When I called her at work and she heard my voice, I heard her voice jump. She said she was ‘floating 6 inches off the ground.” She said she was ‘completely taken by me.’ She said (tonight) ‘I have to tell you I am in love with you’, and at the end of the conversation ‘I love you.’

Thursday April 4, 1996
San Francisco, day trip to Phoenix
[L]

Nicole, Mei called.

I talked with Nicole. She appears to be totally in love with me. I am with her. Meanwhile at home, I am happy with Amy. I love her deeply. She is so good to me and she is in such an easy way.

En route to Arizona 960404
Dear diary:
I have had very little time to write (my opening statement in so many journal entries!). Life is so exciting. It is going so fast now, that I don’t have time to hesitate. I feel what I have to do and quickly respond. My life is made up of some very basic things: love to women, love to Amy in particular, my work, travel, my grandmother, photography, furtherance of my ideas. Love to women is such a big part of my happiness. When I look back a couple of years, my life was relatively inactive. In fact, just a year and a half ago it was a different world. Since I have not been speaking to my Dad, it seems my psyche has gotten stronger. I say this because it seems true. Also, there was the summit of Mount Everest. And then it seemed the girls started happening. I wonder about my life with them. Just now, I am getting so many calls. I feel that despite all the interest from different places abroad, I owe so much of this to Amy. Because she is there for me every night, she cooks and washes for me. I can rely on her to fuck me well. I can rely on her to be there in so many ways, for advice. And she is giving by nature. I wonder how strong I would feel without her. I love her dearly, despite my deep love for women as a whole.

I was talking to Dr. Ross yesterday. I was explaining how it is that the more I pay attention to my feelings, particularly in my interaction with women, I find so much can be told. In fact, I described it like this: it seems as if these ‘feelings’ which we call ‘intangible’ because they cannot be measured are actually as close to being tangible as something intangible can be. It is as if there is actually sinew connecting myself and a woman emotionally, so real that at times I feel I can just reach out and touch it, massage it, stretch it, play with it. Science seems to largely have ignored that there may be another ’sense’ as real as the five recognized ones. We have ways to measure the others. Could it be that there is a way to measure the emotions, to quantify them and to learn to understand them?
[!!!]

This morning Nisha called me. She called me yesterday too. She said she’d just gotten her passport and that she wanted to come and be with me. In these situations, I rarely discourage a girl. I feel that it is like betraying my true feelings. See, whereas it may be impractical, due to traditions (or nature) to bring another woman into my house with Amy, still, it is something I would love to do. So to assume I cannot and then to act and tell a girl that I have another woman and cannot take her in would be ‘giving up’ on my dream and contradicting my true nature.

Yesterday, Nicole told me for the first time that she loved me. She said: “You know, I have fallen in love with you.” When we said goodbye last night, she said, ‘I love you.’ I told her that I was very happy, yet I pointed out that while these words were beautiful, her actions had already showed this.

Yesterday morning I called Nicole at work. When she heard my ‘hello’ her voiced jumped. It was clearly an excited and delighted response. She told me to hold a minute (she is a receptionist). When I told her how I had tried to reach her the night before, and how I was feeling jealous, she told me very directly that I had nothing to worry about, that she was ‘completely taken by me’ and that she was ‘floating on air.’ She said that she was grinning like a fool in front of the people at work (’what’s happened to her??). She asked me ‘one thing, not to hurt me.’ She said that she was in the process of writing me a letter just when I called, and she was sending me two postcards as well.

When I got home, her stepmother called me and asked me to call Nicole as she could not call out from her phone. I called her. That’s when she told me she loved me. She said that she had had an invitation to go to Tobago this weekend (from friends), but that she had decided not to go because she could not bear being away from the phone in case I might call. I was pleased to hear this, surprised.

Nicole is different from my “Asian girls.” I am sure that Amy would see her as much more of a threat for several reasons. The photos of her show her to be really beautiful. Her face is really gorgeous, unusually so. Secondly, she speaks very good English. I think Amy knows that the Asian girls are not going to take me away from her. Diary, in these situations, when I truly don’t know what to do, I keep on pushing worry aside. I just handle each day as it comes, and I try not to worry about the contradictions of loving two (and many more) women at once. I know I love Amy in a very special way, and I love to be with her. I am content with that. Does that contradict that I am madly infatuated and in love with Nicole as well? I am growing more deeply in love with Amber too. These three women together make me feel like a lord.

When I saw Amber the night after I got back, it was awesome. She seemed to be able to actually relax with me. When she first enters my car, into the back seat, she seems nervous. She says I always make her nervous. When we kiss, it is so sweet I cannot describe. It is as if those kisses are the first in her life. In fact, I am the second man she has kissed, I am the second man she has fucked. Still, she makes me feel as if I am the first man that has overwhelmed her with passion and lust. I can feel it exude from her body. I place my hand in her crotch as we speak. She shifts. She takes my hand after a bit and removes it from there and I ask “do you like me less than before when you used to let me put my hand there?” I make light of it and place my hand there again. She makes no move to remove it. We kiss longer than we used to; she kisses me repeatedly. I think the change is for two reasons. One is that she misses me a great deal. The other is that over time she has become accustomed to being with me, to my way. She has also become accustomed to the idea of sucking my dick. It is as if it is understood that that is why we need to find a private place to park. We leave our normal spot and go back to the P___ P____ Hotel parking lot and find the appropriate place. After some of the most tender and loving kisses I have ever exchanged, I press her down in that direction. She complains that I don’t have tissue, and asks if I want her to go to her car to get some. I produce some from my brief case and unfold it. Satisfied that I have something to wipe up my cum after she makes me ejaculate with her mouth, she puts her head and lips into my genital region. Unlike the times we have been together in the past, because tonight she is so much more willing, I take the opportunity to press her less. When she kisses me, I let her kiss me and I return them tenderly. Likewise, as she starts to suck my dick, I do not motion very much, I do not shove it into her mouth. I feel her take it slowly into her mouth until it is fully in. I push upward, as I am sitting in the back seat, my erect penis standing up to meet her mouth, and I pull back gently, feeling the tug from her lips. The sensation is so pleasurable as to be unbelievable. This goes on for some time, and then my gyrations increase in frequency and vigor as I start to try to come. (Just now as I write this I am completely erect with the memory of it. Here on the plane, I feel uncomfortable; I wish I could fuck the woman sitting across from me just to relieve this horniness I feel.) After awhile, I can sense that she is tired, I want to come so much, but it is taking its time. I contemplate that she might be enjoying feeling overpowered by me, by my dick, that she might be reveling in the dominance of it, in feeling dominated by my strength and my cock in her mouth. When I finally come, it is almost like a blackout, like seeing stars, like a contraction inside the darkness of my closed eyes. I pull out my penis from her mouth and she pulls away; I put my hand to its tip and try to catch the spurting. I ask her if I pulled out in time and she indicates that I did not get any into her mouth (one of the first times). Before she goes, I tease her that next time I want to fuck her and also to come in her mouth.

She told me tonight that now her husband no longer wants a divorce. She says she has changed her mind. She does not know what to do. I suggest to her that becoming my lover may actually help her to become more clear on what to do. As with many things I say, I imagine what an outside person would feel about it. I can imagine that many times they would not understand what I mean and think I am “in outer space” or think I am self-serving. If so, I would think they themselves are hypocritical, since it is impossible to escape the context of who we are and the drive for survival. But to the point: I do feel it might help Amber clarify. See, I do not want to feel that I am the reason for her to break up with her husband, and despite the fact that she denies this motivation, I still feel it is there. On one hand, I feel I am a divisive influence in their relationship, but oddly only to the extent that she resists me do I feel so. Because on the other hand, I feel that I can help their relationship if she gives herself fully to me. The reason is that I think she needs to feel those feelings she has for me. I think she needs to get fucked good, to be tamed in a sense and to feel abandon. I think this will change her. I think that she will be better able to assess things clearly if she feels good and is happy, will understand things more deeply, and feel more disposed to be kind and share the newfound warmth she has come in touch with from within herself. Amber makes me feel as if she really loves me. At times I feel a feeling as if Amber will always love me and suck me, and love doing so, for as long as she lives, regardless of how old she is.

I am about to land in SF now after a long day. On the way home I called Amber. I told her that we need to get an apartment in order to continue doing the things we do (her sucking my cock to orgasm–yes, I enjoy repeating it), for during the summer months, it will be light outside if we meet after work. She said she could not make love to me yet and therefore she couldn’t get a place. But I said that, for now, the things she does is enough, I am happy (are you really? she says), and then she said O.K. I told her I loved her so much and she said ‘me too.’ I told her that I missed her and she said she missed me too. I asked to see her this weekend, but since her period came, she…. [remainder o entry missing].

5 FRI San Francisco

Nicole

6 SAT San Francisco

Nicole

7 SUN San Francisco

Nicole, Amber

8 MON San Francisco

Nicole, Amber, Haruka called me

9 TUE San Francisco
[L]

Nicole, also called Ma Dan (she was negative and said she did not want to see me nor anyone else), Amber

Amy got pissed off tonight. Haruka called out of the blue. Ha first off was very happy. When I indicated I had a business meeting” on Saturday, she became unhappy and told me she could not see me at all! I stayed with her on the phone for about 45 minutes.

10 WED San Francisco
[L]

Nicole. I called her at about midnight SF time. She says she loves to get my calls at any hour. I had forgotten to call her I was so busy. Also in morning Laura called but twice I did not take it. Mei called me.

I saw Amber this evening. I was so happy to see her. I had been depressed (about my father). When I hugged Amber, everything seemed O.K. It is so pleasurable to kiss her. I felt her cunt through her pants. She sucked me off as usual to orgasm. She has beautiful sculptured lips. I usually take longer than she wants me to and she gets tired, there is a 20 second break. Then I feel and orgasm building up. I get so excited and then, while thrusting my penis into and out of her mouth for the thousandth time, I explode while pulling her head away. Tonight I took longer than usual. She always makes a comment about it. I always feel overjoyed afterwards. She laughs and smiles coyly as she waves goodbye. Tonight she gave me the sweetest kiss goodbye. She is embarrassed as to her inexperience and on the other hand I think she is the most exciting woman I can imagine.

Amy … It was a grueling conversation. Then at the end she decided she wanted to see me. Then when I got off, Amy was pissed off. I fucked her anyway. It was exciting. Amy is good about that. She let me coax her pussy open. It feels sometimes that she cannot resist (I hope so) [anymore than I can resist her].

11 THU en route to Tokyo
[L]

Called Nicole before I got on the plane.

She is very pleasant to talk with, always positive. I guess I cannot complain about my life with girls. I really enjoy coming from Amber’s blow jobs. It amazes me how she willingly sucks my penis but won’t let me touch her breast. Having her suck me off is surely a great treat and if I had to compromise since I don’t get to fuck her, I cannot think of a better substitute.

I can’t wait to see Nicole and am planning on going a week from Saturday. She is delightful. I hate to think of her alone down there. I want to rush to her. In the meantime, my Asian connection is getting impatient: Haruka, and Mei. Still Laura and Michiyo seem to be calm and still interested in seeing me. Alas, poor Ma Dan seemed so depressed when I called her on Monday, and she says she does not want to see me again—but she says still wants to be my friend.

12 FRI Tokyo
[L]

I was really surprised how good it was to see and feel Haruka. In fact, I was laying in the dark room with the door open when she came in. I held my arms open for her, stood up, held her, brought her to the bed, touched her pussy through her pantyhose, kissing her, and I undressed her on the spot, took off my pants, mounted her and fucked her lights out for about twenty minutes. The door was open, fortunately we were the last room down the hall, as she was moaning the way she does. It was pretty much perfect. Eventually I got up and shut the door and finished fucking her. And I got a call in the meantime from the gallery owner Kazuko but I insisted on finishing. I really liked it. Her body is awesomely perfect. I wish she would allow me to photograph it. I later fucked her after dinner, again it was good, even better without interruptions, and once again in the early morning she seemed she was wanting it. The one thing I do notice is that unlike Amy and Nicole, Haruka seems to have no sense of when I am going to come. Amy and Nicole grab my dick with their pussy as I climax and it creates the most awesome sensation, but Haruka does not, and tends to have such a soft pussy that the sensation is further diminished, so I don’t have much of a climax. But so many things are great with her–for example, her extremely perfect body, her long hair, her purity. Sometimes her demeanor is distracting, depending on whether her moans are encouraging or discouraging.

13 SAT Tokyo
[L]

Amy, Nicole

I made love to Haruka in the morning (yum) and spent the day with Asami. Asami was very standoffish, reminding me that she had a boyfriend, but by the end of the day, we sat on the subway holding hands and I buried my nose in her hair. I feel as if I can feel her liking it despite her protestations that she doesn’t fantasize about making love with me. In the evening I met Haruka again. We made love again. Yum again.

14 SUN Shanghai
[L]

Called Amy, Ma Dan. Ma Dan was terribly depressed, we talked for maybe half an hour. I could see that if I was available to her, she would warm up.

The unbelievable happened today. Haruka let me take nude photos with my 4×5. I really loved seeing Haruka this trip; she was so sweet and she was so willing in bed. I just love fucking her. I think this was our best sex. I could fuck her forever. Her body is immaculately fine, every inch from her ankles to her neck is like perfection. I cannot believe that I got her on film. I met her parents today when I attended her church with her. The ceremony was thoroughly boring, but before and afterward we made love at my hotel and saw the cherry blossoms in between. I have learned about timing with Haruka. I waited until the very last possible minute to tell her I had to go today and she was not even upset. But had I told her on Friday, she would have been very upset.
15 MON Shanghai
[L]

Nicole (her time 4:40 am, she still was not the least upset, exchanged ‘I love yous’)

Making love with Laura tonight was just plain awesome, I am reminded of what she said: for a woman, making love passionately comes from being passionately in love. The first time was remarkable. I felt some sort of perfect feeling of overpowering her.

Mei on the other hand in the morning did not want to make love ‘because she was on her period’. I get so irritated with the Chinese notion of that. I called UC Med center in the US so she could hear it was O.K. but she insisted that her doctor told her it was forbidden. Surprisingly, or not, the hotel doctor said: it is ‘not allowed’ in China (!). I tried to fuck her between her legs, but it went inside her a little. At first I enjoyed it and so did she, but she, true to form, just as I was about to come would say ‘No’ to something and I would get distracted.

16 TUE San Francisco
[L]

Nicole, + left message for Haruka, Ma Dan’s # would not go through.

Also, Amber told me she decided not to divorce. She asked me if sucking my penis was oral sex (!! how naive). At first I said it was but later she asked again and I side stepped it saying normally it is when people are undressed. I told her I regretted that she was staying married only to the extent that she let that affect us. She asked me for some more time to think about it, which in some respects surprised me and in some respects did not surprise me. She said she did not know if she should stop (sucking my dick) or if she should, since she already had many times, just continue.

Something in her demeanor made me feel there was a chance that she will ultimately decide to fuck me even though she stays married. ….Met an incredible-bodied Singaporean beauty at the airport that gave me her (supposedly correct) address. Also, the marketing candidate Rosie decided not to take the job, which made me happy on two counts, one that I don’t have to worry about conflict of interest and one that it allows me to pursue her. I talked with her tonight and suggested we should talk again and she seemed open to it. I said I had been afraid that I had scared her off by my compliment about her being attractive and she repeated her comments of that night that she felt flattered, and she added that it was nice for her to hear with all the stuff she went through with her divorce.

17 WED San Francisco
[L]

Nicole, Haruka tonight.

I tried desperately to get Amber to make love to me, by talking nicely, then insistently, commandingly to her. Finally she agreed to it but ‘not tonight’. She said she will pick the day. Then, I made her suck my cock. I moaned in pleasure the whole time and came after a relatively short time, like about 7 minutes. I loved it so much. Note best condoms are Ramses super-thins. I also developed photos of Haruka. Her body is perfect.

18 THU San Francisco
[L]

Nicole, left message with Amber, called Haruka (happy) about her address, called Karla in Chicago about seeing her next Wed.

I feel great. I am happy. I met a foxy babe today, her name is Lisa Herrick. More in my diary if I have time.

7:15 a.m.
Why should we grieve over death, for death is opportunity, for as long as the world perpetuates, we will come back as one of every creature on the planet. If you think about this scientifically, it is true. That is, we disintegrate into dust and are resurrected into the atoms of new animals, plants, rocks, insects through the mysterious workings of nature.

19 FRI San Francisco

20 SAT Port of Spain

21 SUN Port of Spain
[L]

I just plain felt out of sorts. I felt poor physically, but not sure if it was due to lack of rest, or lack of exercise or some sort of bug. In retrospect I think it was because of a slight bug. I could not just ‘get over the top’ with regards to my sexuality. Whereas the last time I visited Nicole I felt like a superman, I just could not really get in the groove. I enjoyed it, but then I felt worn out and could not come some times. She wanted to ‘taste’ me, and then sucked me for a half hour in the car but I could not get off – this in turn wore me out even more and made my dick kind of raw. Then later in the room I could not get off for a while. We’d fuck and it would feel good but I could not reach my climax. It was like a case of diminishing returns because the more we did it the more wore out I got. I could not help myself but to keep fucking her because I find her so attractive.
22 MON Port of Spain
[L]

Today was a continuation of yesterday but with the grace of feeling better physically. Still I was not quite myself. I was also concerned about the time, and frankly, I missed Amy. I was a little afraid of this coming this time. I think coming on a Friday would be better.
23 TUE Dallas
[L]

Amy, Nicole

In the early morning we drive back to POS and arrived at the Tropical. I fucked her one last time in the morning and finally it felt right again. Despite my tiredness and worn out state, we had a quick fuck and I quite enjoyed it. In the Miami airport, I saw a really beautiful girl. After looking at her for awhile, I approached her and said, “Can I be perfectly direct with you?” I paused, then said, “I want to meet you.” She extended her hand and said ‘My name it Luly.” We talked and exchanged phone numbers, etc.

24 WED Chicago
[L]

Haruka- morn, Mei, Luly, left message Amber, Amy, Nicole.

Phone calls, Luly (nice conversation), Mei (to my surprise, she seemed accepting again and even said ‘me too’ on my ‘I love you’. I told her I would send $100 but she seemed receptive before I said that), Nicole (sex talk, seems very in love), left message Amber. Haruka (probably best talk yet, her English is improving, received book I sent, cheerful, note no incidents of temper since she told me her secret), Amy (very sweet, cheerful).

Other: Had dinner with Karla Thomas, black girl from Chicago, really sweet, tall and beautiful. I really liked her and talked with her about her and about me and some about photography. Very pleasant talk. Later in my room I talked with Luly. I am very attracted by her. I love the feeling of having so many pretty girls to talk to.

25 THU San Francisco
[L]

When I arrived in SF I called Nicole and she said that she had just left a phone message at my home, I thought Oh fuck! because I knew Amy was there. When I called Amy, sure enough, she had heard the phone message, so she was pissed off. When I got to the house I waited for her to return, as she had said she was going to the beach (to get away for awhile). When she returned she sat in the living room chair. I laid my body against her. Eventually lifting her skirt and I think she really wanted me despite her anger. The beginning of the fuck was awesomely good. Then we went to the bed and it was quite long (25 minutes total) and good.

26 FRI San Francisco
[L]

Amber blow job great again. She acts reluctant but I think the truth is that she loves sucking my cock, that she looks forward to it. She is going though some head trips about it. I talked with her about fucking me soon as she has promised.

27 SAT San Francisco

From Luly in afternoon, a really nice long talk, I like her spacey ways. To Nicole.
28 SUN San Francisco
[L]

From Amber: depressed, I tried to cheer her up. To Haruka twice. I’d been developing her photos all day and I was very enthused by the perfection of her body. I told her how much in love with her I was. To Nicole. She keeps leaving messages. Amy and I spent the day together. It was lovely. Most of all I worked on photographs, but she was around and we fucked each other a lot. I am worried about Nicole as she keeps leaving messages.

29 MON depart Sydney
[L]

Called Luly from airport. She was friendly but it was a distracting clause [???]. We both expressed our admiration for Anais Nin’s book: Little Birds, Erotica. With Amy during day but too busy for a break to make love. Before I left we did and it was a great come.

30 TUE plane to Sydney
[L][A]

Horny. I slept the first ten hours of the flight and of that I think I had a raging hard-on for about three hours.

960430 On plane to Sydney, with the intention of completing the fifth of my Seven Summits venture.

I have not had time to write (I am not complaining) for a long time. I mostly record statistics in my spreadsheets covering my sexuality and related subjects. I always wonder what good it is (or isn’t) to record my life and these journal entries. Though I feel that if a good writer/historian could pull all my stories and reflections together it might make an interesting piece.

I scarcely can remember when I started and where I left off describing the most recent adventures in my life. I am pretty sure that I even did not record my first weekend with Nicole in Trinidad. When I came back from the Siemens meeting in Newcastle, I flew to Trinidad, as Nicole and I had planned. She met me at the Tropical Hotel. Within minutes we were kissing and within an hour we had made love. Within the first twenty four hours we had made love seven times, and between Friday night and Monday morning (when I left) we had made love eleven times, all of which I rated at or above a 90 on a scale of 100. I would call it a weekend of sexual paradise.

Not only that, but the scenery and adventure was quite novel and wonderful as well. On Saturday afternoon we drove to the east coast passed Arima and came to a beach where a fresh water river flowed into the sea, where we frolicked in the water. We drove past Toco and took a set of nude photos of her and then on to Mattock[???Matelote?]. On the way back, we made love in the back seat of the land rover. A man and his boy came to see why the dogs were barking and shone their flashlight into our car, while Nicole was sitting on my dick as I sat in the back seat. When they left I laid her down and finished fucking her.

We had been told about a hotel resort on the beach in the next town back towards Toco, called Grand Riviere. I believe the name of the resort was Mt. Pleasance. They were full but we had a pleasant dinner there, the restaurant being right on the beach. It is a small place, which makes it nice. We tried to sleep in a nearby guest house, but after a nice juicy fuck, we could not rest because of the mosquitoes, so we went back to the lodge and the night watchman let us sleep under a bungalow roof, providing us with a mat and mosquito coils, which worked adequately.

In the wee hours of the morning, I went out to the beach to urinate and I could make out in the darkness, a large creature flapping its fins. I realized it was a giant turtle. In the morning about 5 a.m., I went out to the beach again, only now it was light. This enormous turtle was still attempting to get back into the water, and the tide kept defeating it by receding. Apparently it had been trying to make its way back from the time I had seen it the night before. I ran and got Nicole and she came down to the water with me and marveled at the turtle. To my surprise she touched it. I was afraid it would bite her. The female turtle’s head was almost as big as Nicole’s. But the turtle was benign. Soon after some Indian people who had been hanging out saw us making a fuss over something and came down. I think they were very pleased to have a broad daylight look at the turtle. We all helped the turtle back into the water, and as Nicole described it, once the turtle reached the surf, she turned her head around and looked back at us, as if to say ‘O.K. you guys, I can make it on my own from here.’ And she disappeared into the waves.

The owner of the resort was an Italian named Pierro. The night before at dinner he came to talk to us, and he was drooling over Nicole, who looked as if she was blossoming. He tried to pass compliments to her and I was concerned and felt jealous. He told us of his career as a photographer who shot for, amongst others, Time and Life magazines. He reminisced about Burmese guerrillas with a barely concealed pride. He told us that this beach was the best beach in the Caribbean to see turtles laying their eggs.

In the morning after the turtle episode, Nicole and I went back to sleep again under the thatch overhang. Pierro came by and woke us by taking a photograph of us with my camera, and then he let us use his mother’s room (she was visiting from Italy) in the back of the resort. Again I fucked Nicole in the quiet and morning warmth of the back room and then we fell asleep until noon.

We had lunch there then started driving back towards Port of Spain, then I changed my mind and then we drove back again to the area between Mattock and Grand Riviere. We took some nude photos on a rocky beach near where a river opened to the sea. Some young men approached us as Nicole was naked, but then it was O.K., as she dressed before they arrived and they were just friendly. They wanted me to take a photo of them, which I did, we all walked back together; we jumped into the water from a rock.

Nicole and I drove back to Port of Spain. On the way, she told me how much she wanted to suck my dick when we got back to the hotel, but I wanted it then, so I pulled off and she tried to get me to come but I didn’t. She wanted me to come in her mouth. She got so wet and horny that she wanted to get fucked, so she laid down in the reclined seat and I fucked her well, her wet and succulent pussy grabbing my dick, like it was sucking on it. After we finished, we continued the drive back to the hotel.

We got back to the Tropical Hotel at about 10 p.m., we fucked some more but I could not come because I was hungry. I kissed her pussy to [her] orgasm. We went out and ate fast food, then returned to the room for one more wonderful fuck.

The next morning I decided to give her some money to help her out. I left her a check for $250. I think she was surprised, pleased. I dropped her off at work.

I had been jealous that Pierro would come into town to look for her, and through this, we had talked out at Grand Riviere about ‘fidelity’. The whole trip I had told her I loved her, but she did not say it to me. She acted a little aloof about it, and asked me if I wanted her to be faithful to me. I said that of course it would make me happy if she did, but that it was up to her. But by the time I dropped her off it seemed she had responded to my jealousy of her. Even back at the beach, after a few minutes to think about it, she had sweetly told me that I had nothing to worry about, how she was completely ‘taken’ by me.

I drove to the airport wondering about my future, thinking about coming back here to see her. I was in love with Nicole, but at the same time, the practical aspect of it was that she has a child, and that her body was a disappointment from the standpoint that her breasts are small and sagging, not attractive. If she was as beautiful as I had at first envisioned her, I could imagine marrying her. Still, I thought about building a house there so she would have a nice place to stay.

When I returned home on April 1, 1996, I began calling her daily. This was merely a practical matter. I was planning on returning as soon as possible, and I felt that I could secure her loyalty to me if I made it clear how interested I was in her. I have real mixed feelings about calling girls. On one hand I like the reinforcement, and if the conversation is not too long, I may enjoy it, but other than the feeling that the conversation is necessary to keep the girl’s interest, much of the time I don’t enjoy it. A large part of that is that I am often under pressure, or, say, Amy is around and I am afraid there will be some difficulty.

Meanwhile, it was still good to get back to Amy. And meanwhile still further, I had the issue of getting out Tokyo way, for it was getting to be months since I had seen Haruka (or Mei, or Laura). In the intervening two weeks I was terribly busy between working and all my other activities. These included 1) photography, meeting Ruth Bernhard and discussions with Jock Sturges, as well as my own printing, 2) working on the Seven Summits for Free Tibet, Tibet Zone of Peace Project: coordinating the flag and the project behind it, 3) calling and keeping up with all ‘my girls’ as Amy would call them.

Amy was not happy about me going off to Tokyo. Ultimately it was an important trip if for no other reason that I arranged my first purchase of Oriental paper for myself and Jock. My two nights with Haruka were wonderful and in fact, perhaps as a result of seeing all of the nude photographs of Jocks (which I had brought to Il Tempo gallery for Jock), she let me photograph her nude for the first time. She has the most beautiful body, in my view. I was thrilled to photograph her–and also I loved making love with her. Our sex was very good. On Sunday I flew to Shanghai and Mei, who had promised to be there, wasn’t. She did not show until the next day (Monday) and then she really just wanted me to buy her a phone, although she would’ve let me fuck her but for the period she was on. We undressed and she let me stick my dick between her legs (from her back, under my suggestion) and towards the end I was penetrating her. I told her I had to leave, and I did not buy her a phone; she was upset. She went with me to the airport and I got let off; then, as I had arranged, I met Laura there. My sex with Laura was, again, wonderful, and the next day, Tuesday, I flew home.

I was only home a few days when I flew once again (on Saturday) to Trinidad. This trip was not nearly as good as before, but mostly this was because I did not feel up to par and the timing was a little difficult. Nicole and I had sex just as often but not nearly as thrilling as before. This time, she was telling me how much she loved me. I started to feel some responsibility. When I flew to Dallas, (on my stopover in Florida) I met a beautiful young woman from Seattle, Luly Pei Yang. (Jack tells me that Amber’s name is also ___ ____). I spent the night alone in Dallas. On Wednesday, I met with Karla, the beautiful black girl I met there last year. She was beautiful and charming and a lot of fun, though I did not sense sexual vibes (though I would have liked to). I came home on a Thursday. When I flew in to town I called Nicole who told me she had just left a phone message for me. I said ‘Oh how nice’ and I thought ‘Oh fuck! Amy may be there and may here it! Sure enough I called Amy right after and she said ‘Who is Nicole?’ I saw our relationship go down the tubes!, but then tried to collect myself. Amy was gone when I got home, but she returned (as she said she would) and she was so hot that we had a very excellent fuck, then forgave me. I told her Nicole was married and mitigated the truth. She had asked me if she was from Chicago and I said ‘No’ and then she said ‘from Dallas?’ and I said ‘Yes.’ I love Amy so much for letting it slide. I tried to make it up to her by telling her truthfully how much I love her. We talked about having a house together (to be provided by me) and having children. I brought it up. Amy and I fucked like bunnies for the few days before I left. I managed to see Amber once and, again, she gave me one of the best blow jobs of my life, sucking my cock with her shapely and beautiful lips until I orgasmed, just pulling it out of her mouth at the last second. I think she likes it, secretly.

Amber said that when I go away she tries to get herself to stop seeing me, but so far she has failed.

More next entry.

May 1996

Wednesday May 1, 1996
Threadbo, Australia (in car south of Canberra, and Threadbo)
[L]

I tried a few aborted attempts to meet women. I really think strongly that I can “feel” the atmosphere here is not as “loose” sexually as many other places, and yet probably that is an excuse, I felt reluctant. I did ask directions twice of one pretty girl named Alison in Sydney and later called her place of work and said I thought she was nice and if I was in Sydney a week from Sat or Sun if I could have coffee with her, and she said yes. I did not approach one pretty girl, saw another one the street, but most of these were at times when I was doing something or moving.

Thursday May 2, 1996
Threadbo (in hotel)
[A]

A great day, a banner day, literally, placing the Seven Summits flag on Kosciusko. I tried to keep my thoughts “pure”.

3 FRI near Foster, Australia (in car near Sale and nr Foster, Wilson Promontory, Victoria)

Amy (she was laughing and cheery, I asked her if she would suck my cock, she laughed), Amber (she was cheery too, she was coy, at first she teased me rather than admit she loved me, later she admitted it), tried to call Nicole, but not possible .

A good day, but damn!, do I miss women, I did not want to masturbate, but I could not resist; I could not get a good come, no matter what I tried; this just doesn’t come anywhere close to making love! (obviously); I want to meet someone but it seems difficult given the timing of the trip. I was thinking if I had another extra day…I could have tried to meet someone in Sydney and convinced her to come along with me, that would have been a real coup. Weird but I spent a lot of time thinking about Ms. Nguyen the Vietnamese beauty; wow, how she tried to put my cock inside of her — I was worn out, still I remembered the disappointment.

4 SAT Melbourne

I feel O.K., but I really miss women and fucking.

5 SUN Horsham
[L] [A] [S]

Can’t get Sandra off my mind.

960505 Melbourne

So far this trip has been characterized by seeing a lot, feeling fairly fulfilled, yet feeling intensely missing woman’s touch, and not just any woman, but women who love me, namely Amy (foremost), and Haruka, Nicole, Laura, Amber and Mei. Driving around is fun, but it would be a lot more fun with female company.

Plus, while I feel grateful to life for so many lovers, I wonder how I will get through the next round and still keep Amy. That is to say, I was really worried about her finding out about Nicole, yet as of this morning it seems that she has already figured it out. Then, there is the young lady in Seattle, Luly, for whom I have a crush. If she does come down for a weekend, it seems it will be a real feat to accomplish this without Amy finding out, for I still have to use the bedroom at home. Even if Amy does not walk in on us, she’ll know the bed is messed up. If Luly comes, I want to use my house - not like with Saeda, whom I really loved and never showed her who I was. (I rented a nearby flat and told her it was my place.)

Doctor Ross, my spiritual guide (a registered psychologist), asked me if there was anything troubling my soul. He asked me this because I was telling him all of the ‘happiness-es’ I have been fortunate to experience lately. So I thought about it for a while, and I realized that if I had to choose one thing, it would be: the dishonesty in my life. Fortunately, for the most part Amy and I have an honest understanding. But how much better would my life be if I had these lovers and honesty at the same time? I must also mention Amber here, for she loves me while truly understanding who I am. She knows about Amy and she knows I have many others. Still, she loves me, and although she has only fucked me once, she sucks my cock to orgasm nearly every time I see her. I admit I love to write that.
[!!!]

I do not know how to make my life whole, for it would seem sort of hard to imagine if every lover had to know I spend most of my time with others. This point also makes me question how much there is that I do not know.
[!!!]

Traveling around by myself seems empty. I did make three attempts to meet women yesterday. That was pretty interesting. I like the travel, but I don’t like the pressure of having to be someplace at a particular time. My 100 W Direct file has an account of the women I tried to meet yesterday; but I will mention one, because she was truly stunningly beautiful. I don’t know if I was even given the right phone number, and she had a ring on her ring finger, but the thought that there was a possibility last night had me feeling incredibly high. It just goes to show the power of a beautiful woman. She was truly, truly outstanding.

Work goes up and down. I feel a little guilty being down here for the next week when there are things going on at work. Talking to Amy made me feel a little on the guilty side as well, and a little unhappy about being here when I could be in her arms.

6 MON Mungo National Park

Can’t get Sandra off my mind.

7 TUE Kinchega National Park

Can’t get Sandra off my mind.

8 WED Mootwingee National Park

Can’t get Sandra off my mind.

9 THU Mootwingee National Park

Can’t get Sandra off my mind.

10 FRI Slept on ground under stars, near _____

11 SAT Melbourne

Read diary, the most incredible love affair with Sandra has started. (Note: Where is “diary”?)

12 SUN Holbrook

13 MON Sydney

14 TUE Sydney

15 WED San Francisco
[L] [A] [S]

Madly in love with Sandra, called no one else; today Haruka told me (as I had expected from her phone message) that she was pregnant.

960515 en route to San Francisco
Dear Diary

All over again, the presses must stop, and I must report anew to have fallen in love, only this time, it is with someone who I believe I could happily know for a long, long time. I am so in love with her, yet this is a very different and special experience. I don’t know where to begin.

I have not written in this diary for some time because I have been too busy and I did not care to write. I want to make this entry dramatic, but I am fearing that it is not enough so; anyway let it be known that I feel very, very strongly for Sandra, a young Australian girl with whom I have fallen deeply, yet happily in love. I call her a ’spunkling’, a ‘thief (for stealing my heart), a spitfire, a fiest-master, etc., etc. This whole situation is so unusual that it once again makes me re-evaluate everything, my own learnings, my own concept of what is desirable in women, my own latitudes in understanding.

When I compare all my loves of the last year, they all pale somehow with Sandra, with the exception that Amy is in a class by herself as well. Amber is somehow very special too, but it is precisely three that know my real life, my real self, and the fact that they are not the only women in my life; I prefer women who know the truth and accept me for it. Anyway, I can imagine Sandra as my wife…very easily…and it is inexplicable why I say this. In fact the whole situation is so improbable from its inception. My feelings are improbable, yet so definite and real.

Sandra. But first, a brief overview of my trip. I arrived two weeks ago in Sydney and rented a land rover. The first day I drove past Canberra, slept in the car and drove intermittently to Threadbo. The next day, Thursday, I climbed Kosciusko and planted the Seven Summits flag for the first time; I slept in Threadbo. The third day I drove on back roads as far as Lakes Entrance on the southern coast and as far as Wilson’s Promontory, again sleeping and driving intermittently into the night. The fourth day (Saturday) I visited the Prom, going up Mt. Oberon for a look-see and taking a dip in the ocean there; then onto Philip Island. I asked a girl named Trudy at the information center for dinner; she had a boyfriend but gave me her number and encouraged me to call on a friendly basis (when in Melbourne). I went out to see the Fairy Penguins on Philip Island and there spied a stunning Thai girl; I got her number. I drove onto Melbourne Saturday night. When I arrived I called an escort service and was visited by a poorly shaped Filipina. I was not excited enough to fuck her, so I had her suck me off, which was O.K. but unsatisfying. Not willing to give up so easily, I tried again, this time being told I would like the girl, but instead, I found her frightening. Although she was clearly female, as I examined her anatomy, her demeanor was so pushy, I felt it even masculine, I found her eyes scary, not soft, and I asked her to leave. She couldn’t believe it, but I insisted. I slept for awhile, then in the morning, I tried again.

Sunday morning.
A new escort service told me of an Asian girl who was 19 and 5′5″. Taller than I would have liked, but I told them to send her out. I even looked through the peep hole to make sure that she was O.K. She looked, from what I could see, quite O.K., so I opened the door. She sat down in a chair and started to talk to me. I could not quite believe my eyes and ears. In front of me…. a young woman about 20, but no more than 5′2″ tall. She was pretty and she stunned me with her intelligent voice and completely disarming and charming conversation. About a minute later, I unconsciously said aloud: ‘You’re beautiful.’ I could not believe it. Furthermore, it was really difficult to believe that I could make love with her. The escort charges seemed negligible in comparison to the pleasure of taking this delightful nymph to bed. She did not seem to come as an escort; she seemed to have walked into my life, as if she was my capable and lovely wife come to visit me, or my girlfriend, or a lover with sweet gifts. I remembered with surprise my own thoughts prior to her coming. I had been so discouraged by all my previous contacts with escorts that I found myself thinking negatively, and I thought, rather involuntarily, ‘don’t worry, she is going to be beautiful, you are going to have the most wonderful time, you are going to love her, to love each other.’

We went to bed, I did not even ask her name. I was not very horny at all, not in the least, given all the circumstances. Yet I wanted her, she made me feel like making love. When we did, she reached down and grabbed my testicles with her hand.

While we lay there, our cheeks touched. It felt wonderful, I loved her perfume; I never love women’s perfume, I normally don’t like it. I loved her softness. All these feelings were not on the surface of my consciousness. I felt our lips almost touch and move away, and hover, and I thought it felt so right to kiss, and I wondered at that, escorts were not supposed to kiss, at least not in a passionate way. I wondered if she was going to kiss me, it felt so romantic, it felt so right and it felt so imminent. Our lips met, in a languorous kiss, and this lasted. I came inside her (wearing a condom).

I could not imagine letting her go after just an hour. In fact the money seemed immaterial. I felt like I was in love. So I started to tell her so. I had her stay for another hour and another hour after that, for a total of three hours.

I loved her body. She was very thin and had small but totally pert and firm breasts, her skin lusciously soft and supple, her nipples perfectly formed to her breasts, firm and erect. I loved her ass, her legs, her everything.

She teased me in a sassy way, and she seemed very bright and cute, all of which I loved. We made love three times during the three hours. When I made love to her from behind, she reached up with both hands over her head and she grabbed my hair and head and pulled it towards her, cooing ‘Oh, Jeff!, Oh! Jeff.” This felt so memorable.

In that time I broached the idea of her coming with me from Melbourne to Sydney the following weekend. She said to make her an offer. So I said, ‘How about $500.’ She said, ‘Per day?’ I said ‘No, for two days.’ ‘How about per day? You can afford it.’ She said in a teasing way. I addressed the subject very gingerly. For example, I said ‘Suppose I established that I was ’safe’ and that I was trustworthy…’ Before she left we had made love once each hour, and we had kissed each other passionately over and over and over. I said ‘I don’t suppose it’s in the realm of possibility for you to fall in love with me?’ She teased me in her waifish way, ‘Anything it possible.’ While I was getting ready to go, she jumped up on me naked while I was standing and wrapped her legs around me, her bare pussy pressing against my stomach, and said ‘So what happens if I fall in love with you?’ I said, ‘Then I’ll just have to come back to see you before too long.’

I felt so at ease with her. I told her about my flag project and my walk up Kosciusko, about the letter from the Dalai Lama. I gave her a summit picture from Everest. She said it was too bad that she didn’t have a regular photograph of me, and I told her that I had the photographs from Kosciusko. She agreed to take one of the roles and to develop it for me and return it on Saturday.

I asked for her phone number and she gave it to me, I asked what time to call, was 9 p.m. tonight O.K. and she said yes.

We went downstairs together. She was about 20 minutes past her time and the driver waited there for her. I wanted to show her the flag, but she asked if she could see it on Saturday. As she drove off I realized that she did not have the film, and I ran after her, the car stopped and I said ‘Is it O.K.?’ and she said ‘Sure’ and she took the film and they drove off.

I left Melbourne at 2 p.m., stopping to get some tapes to listen to. I thought about Sandra. On the way, I found myself missing her. I thought about the other girls I had met and all, but the strongest thoughts were my recollections of Sandra’s breasts, so soft supple and tender and the way she jumped up on me and asked me what would happen if she fell in love with me, with her pussy up against my belly, and her voice, her way.

I really felt lonely on the drive up to Natimuk. I called Amy and finally got through to her. I called my buddies Ed and Kenny to talk for a bit.

Here I will abbreviate the week. I met Jon and we had beer and brandy, but beforehand I called Pattie, the Thai girl, she said she had a boyfriend but was somewhat friendly. I tried to call Sandra, but it turned out the number she had given me was a voice mail number. I felt that I had been deceived and my heart ached. I thought about how I had given her my film and thought that maybe I would never see it again, but the overriding feeling was that I missed her and wanted to see her. I felt so strongly it kind of crept up on me and surprised me.

In the morning, Monday, I left a message for her saying that honesty was the thing I really needed. I left another message telling her again what Jon’s number was, and saying she could leave a message. Jon and I left for Mungo National Park. For the next few days we camped out. I had a lot of fun. We drank his homemade beer, some brandy and smoked a few bowls of pot. The first night out was spent at Mungo. The next day we walked barefoot in the sand dunes of Mungo, then drove through Pooncarrie to Kinchega Park, arriving at dusk. On the way, we saw a flooded area where there were perhaps 5000 cockatoos. The racket they made and their numbers were rather amazing. We retired early and drove on Wednesday to Mootwingee. We took the ranger-guided walk among the aboriginal rock paintings, quite enjoyable. After we walked about an hour from the ranger’s house to a place Jon and his friend James had found. We camped for three days and two nights at a huge overhang that had a few minor aboriginal paintings. It was the best campsite I ever stayed at. Jon and I had a beer, a swig of whisky and a bowl of pot, then headed up a canyon. He had told me about the feral goats and I decided to hunt one by hand. I was off by myself and chased down a baby. I killed it with my hands, and ever since have been reassessing what it means to eat meat. I did not like killing.

I hurt my foot on the hunt, but returned at nightfall with the goat, which we skinned and roasted. Jon talked a lot about his upcoming walk across Lake Eyre. The next two days, we walked, chased a few goats. He found another aboriginal site with some hand prints and a lizard in white, as well as some engravings. It was awesome. We saw goat horns caught in a crevice just wide enough for its body to fall in, with its skeleton below. Jon found an emu egg on the way back. There were many wedgies, that is, wedged-tailed eagles. (At Mungo, we saw a ’stumpie’, an armored lizard, and we found many rocks which had been worked by the ancients as tools.) The ride back was great too; we told jokes, we drank beer. It was grand. The last night we drove from Mootwingee about 250 kilometers and stopped at a rest area. We joked ‘Purple chickens’ instead of ‘Purple Haze’. We had many jokes. But the biggest was ‘Big Lizzie’ and ‘the Dreadnought Wheel’, a singular device in Red Cliffs. In fact, the first night in Mungo, I laughed so hard that I almost vomited. I never laughed like that.

On Saturday morning, we stopped at a phone booth. From the car, I heard Jon speaking. “Martin (at Jon’s office)…Sandra? O.K., I’ll let him know.” I could barely make it out, and I wasn’t sure, but afterwards, he told me that Sandra had called several times. Jon said that Martin said he thought she was worried about me. When we got back to Jon’s house, Martin’s notes indicated that Sandra would meet me at the Regent, and there was even a proper phone number. I was buzzing ever since I had overheard that she had called. In fact she had called three times.

I called Sandra and we spoke. She surprised me by teasing ‘you didn’t invite me to the bush’. She said that if I would have asked her to come, she would have.

I listened to Suzanne Vega on the tape on the way back to Melbourne. When I got to the front desk, Sandra was there. We went to the room and we soon were undressed. I laid poised on top of her for maybe an hour, talking, naked, and then we made love. I was out of condoms, but she had brought five, yet by the end of the night we had used four of them. In the morning, we started to use the last one, then, not having ‘finished’ I tried rolling it up to use again. Later it came off, and we were there without a condom to use. From hearing her story about how she had not had unprotected sex for two years, I felt she was safe to have sex with without protection. We laid around for a while and she indicated we could not have sex without a condom, but ultimately, much like the first time we had kissed, I could feel the energy and I rolled on top of her and we started to make love without it. She told me that she was using contraceptives (I presumed as a safeguard to her new line of work), so that I did not have to worry about pregnancy. She told me I could come (orgasm) inside of her. We started to make love, but I got up to go to the toilet, and I took a shower while I was at it, and ate some cold pizza, and shut out most of the light. And we made love. She said it felt better without a condom. Before we left we made love again.

We left Melbourne at about 1:40 p.m. and drove north. We stopped when it was dark and made love in the car. It was before 8 p.m., which meant that we had made love eight times in the first twenty-four hours. She counts it the same way I do, by my orgasms. The eighth time was really nice. We had made a pad in the car and she laid on her stomach. I fucked her from behind while holding her ass in my left hand, holding the back end of her vagina, so everything was very tight. It was really awesome. Before we left, we tried to make love again, but I was drained. And I was sore too, quite red in fact. We drove on a ways and then had dinner. We stayed there in Holbrook at a very simple hotel. We made love again before we slept despite the fact that I was sore. I love to have my dick inside of her. We slept surprisingly well. In fact, we stayed in bed until 11 a.m. the next morning. Again we started to make love but did not finish. The lady knocked on the door and said checkout was 10 a.m.

On the drive, I always had my left arm in her crotch and she folded her arms around me. I loved this. Every five or ten minutes she would say, “What are you thinking?” and I would tell her. I looked forward to that as I would be able to tell her what was on my mind. Our love grew throughout, not only making love, but just sitting talking. We loved to talk. I love to talk to her. She is sassy and interesting and challenging and I love that.

We stopped off to make love on the way (in the car). We got to Sydney in the evening and got a Motel. I told her I wanted to stay another day and she was ecstatically happy. She took this as a sign that I really loved her.

At this point I should explain that by now we were saying we loved each other mutually. She told me, I don’t remember when exactly, that she loved me. By the time we were in Sydney, our love was full fledged. She expressed her eagerness to be with me anytime, anywhere. I was bothered by the fact that she said that she loved me but she was still taking money from me for being with me. We had worked it out that in the future she would be with me just for love (no money) but that since we had made a deal, and at that time she was not in love, that I should live up to it. We had extensive conversations about it.

Since she has that habit of asking me what I was thinking, I told her many times truthfully that I wanted to believe she really loved me, but the money thing was getting in the way. Finally, yesterday, she started saying that if I really was bothered by it, I could just keep the money. At first, I thought this was only a ploy, but later I realized she was serious. After lunch yesterday, she told me that all along she had planned to give me back the money anyway, but that she had wanted it to be a surprise, that she would have slipped it in my bag so that I would notice it when I got on the plane.

This all culminated after lunch. At lunch I went to the bank and got together the rest of the money, 10 100 dollar bills. In the car we talked, and when she told me that, I got the money and gave it to her. She handed it back to me. I thought she did not mean it. We talked and I felt she did mean it, and then I handed it to her again, she stuffed it in my shirt. I put it on the seat. Later she put it in my glove box, and when we went to the hotel in Bondi, she put it in my wallet. Those bills are in my wallet right now. I won’t spend them, but I will keep them.

We made love when we got to Bondi and again after dinner. We had a wonderful night together.

The most significant thing I can say is that we whiled away time seemingly in any place, and any place turned out to be like heaven. We sat in the car on Monday night for about an hour before we checked into the hotel, me laying on my back and her hovering over me, we talked and kissed and did so over and over. It is like heaven. We have probably kissed well over a thousand times in three and a half days. I am really smitten. I love her so much. I feel guilty for feeling torn between my love for her and my love for Amy. Then I stop to consider. I don’t feel torn at all in my heart, but I feel obligated to feel guilty, and this tears me up. There is an important distinction.

We made plans for her to come to see me on the 17th of June for five days. Diary, you do not understand. She says that she is willing to come to see me anytime anywhere. She says she will make her schedule around me. She says that she would come to live in the States with me. She is attending University studying commerce. She is in her fourth year, and has two years left to go. She owns a 4 wheel drive. She is originally from Ho Chi Minh city. Her Vietnamese name is Ha.

I got on the plane and I called her voice mail twice and then I called her twice too. The first time was just to her that I love her, but the last time I called, I called because I thought to tell her that maybe she should come before next month. I really want to see her. I don’t know what I will do, but I see it like this: my whole life I have had the dilemma of loving a woman and finding another. I have always encountered this paradox, and now I am in it again. This situation is a paradox, but if really look at it deeply, it is a very special situation. I have thought about is and I love Amy really deeply and I really don’t want it to end. Still on the other hand, I cannot imagine how to now be with Sandra if she is available to be with. I am so tremendously touched by her many, many words of faith and love and her willingness to yield to love so sudden and unexpected. Somehow, although difficult to explain, I sense that Sandra is different from all my other loves. I actually really, really want to live with both women. Frankly, I cannot see how I could leave either one of them alone at night. I do not have an idea how this can work out, but I do sense that this represents a crossroads. It is because I want it bad enough to take a chance. My thought right now is to investigate the possibility of Sandra coming anyway to the States, and trying to work it out once she got here. I cannot see either woman agreeing to some mutual relationship beforehand. In fact, Sandra was clearly against it when I first mentioned the possibility of it. The only chance I see of me being able to work this out the way I would like to is to just make it happen on line. I may lose, but still I sense it is so important to try. For what is my alternative? On one hand it would involve Sandra coming for a limited time, and then, the height of our romance would be dissipated in many long times away from each other. On the other hand, it would involve giving up Amy. I really want Amy in my life, very much. I see it that the reality of it could be wonderful, whereas the individual women would conjure up a negative picture if I mentioned to each that I wanted both. How could I give each what they needed at the same time?

And now, in conclusion:

I feel like I am ready to burst, like I am on the verge to a huge discovery, something which is untouchable, but which relates to how everyone on this planet interacts. It is important to remember that the ability of new ideas to take the place of old ones is because the context of interactions changes. The world has changed a lot, and therefore new ideas can be more appropriate and can thrive whereas before they would not survive.
[!!!]

I see my study of women as fantastic, as touching into the void and meaningfulness of the great Tao, as if all the secrets of the universe are at hand and ready to be understood. All these comments are in terms of the metaphysical. I do not mean to assert that I am going to actually be able to show any result. But what amazes me is how, through constant study, effort and sincerity in my quest to understand women, how, somehow, miraculously, they are seeming to respond to me in a way they never have before. I feel as if I am offering them something which they find unusual or rare. Is it the passion for them, the attentiveness, is it merely the sharing of the feeling of awe that I have for the interaction I am in with them?
[!!!]

I feel the moment of my life. It all seems, all my experiences, to be wrapped into a single fabric, that I am struggling to see the meaning of. I sense it, I sense it is great. I wonder if I have ever been so high in my whole life. I do not know what will happen, but I feel to ‘give it a go’ for the things I hold dearly.

I think of the other women I love, and I realize I have real feelings for them too. I want to maintain these contacts. I realize that ultimately, I cannot decide for them, but I can only hold my own ground, with my arms open to them, I can try to be resolute in my unwillingness to succumb to convention and ‘give them up’ for the myriad rationalizations that could be made.

You cannot imagine what it is like to pave a new path where none is. I am feeling blindly forward. I feel I am moving cautiously, as cautiously I can without standing still. I cannot see the world I want, but I can feel it. I want so much to follow this path in my heart. It is really important to me.

As I told Sandra tonight, it is not as if I feel there is a choice. I feel it is something I have to do. Like I felt about going to Mount Everest. That thing I speak of is to try to do what I have always wanted to do, the point of which I speak around, for it is so dear to me, I cannot express it openly.

I am the butterfly of consciousness
Flying away from the tapestry of my reality
So to understand its design and its fluttering
in the wind, its import and moment

I sense all is connected
I am nothing if not everything
I am everything and I am nothing at all
There is no need to hold on to who I am
[!!!]

Thursday May 16, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra said that she will not keep working for last two weeks as escort. Says she wants to move here and might stay even if things did not work out between us. I love her so much. My head is spinning with all the issues.

Haruka.

I told Amy that I would like to support her baby but I want to reserve the right to have other women and children. At first she said flat no. Then it seemed that she might be open (eventually) to the idea. Sandra says she is willing to come here even thought I am in love with another woman (too) and another yet is pregnant. I really, really love her for this support. I am excited and afraid by this journey, but I don’t want to give up on my ideas.

Friday May 17, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Nicole called.
This evening Amber told me she can’t see me anymore alone, even though she loves me. She says it hurts too much, she really loves me, can’t handle me being with all these other women. This evening Sandra told me the most beautiful things. She said that even though she doesn’t like me being with Amy, still she figures that she can’t fight it so she might as well support it. I was overwhelmed with love for her for her thoughts. She said that she is so confident in my love for her that nothing else matters. I really appreciated this confidence. I notice in my interactions, notice quite acutely in fact, that the reciprocal-ness of interaction between me and a woman is not one of exact equivalence. It bears an equality of sorts, but for example if she says something to me that makes me feel good (and her too) just because I would repeat the same thought to her would not have the same effect. Women and men are inherently different. They complement one another beautifully, but are not the same.

Dear Diary
My head is spinning. Haruka is pregnant. I want to go see her. I am not sure, unlike in the past, that I want an abortion. Sandra says she is willing to come and live here in the States because she loves me even though I love Amy and Haruka is pregnant. She says she has quit her job as an escort, and she also said yesterday that she will not fulfill her ‘two weeks notice’. I love her madly. Despite the fact it is scary, I cannot consider not having her here. I don’t know if I can have her live here or get another place. I just know that I want to be with her. I feel torn, because I want to have Amy in my life, but still, I want to have time alone with Sandra. Meanwhile, Nicole is pining for me, I had messages from Mei, Amber still loves me, and I would guess that Michiyo and Laura still love me. And my interest in Luly and Rosie still are illuminated. My head is spinning.

I talked till late at night with Amy last night about the possibility of living with her and another women and them both having babies but she said flatly No. Still, later she seemed to brighten up a bit and I got the impression that actually she would consider it. I have a hard time knowing if I would really be happy living with (just) two, because I never tried it. There would be good and bad about it.

The last two days I have had many dreams, deep dreams. Everything seems so vibrant and compelling now. Thought: a great leader needs to show their human side to his or her constituents, to show their story, their anger, their joys, so that people can feel good, can feel a connection, rather than be ‘antiseptic’, trying to hide who they are or be like they think their constituents are; this seems one of the problems with the world, the politicians seem so sterile.
[!!!]

Saturday May 18, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Amber, Nicole called me.

Amber called me this morning and told me that she wanted me to write in my diary that she was very attracted to my penis. She said that he (my penis) was beautiful and sexy like me and that she thought about him (my penis) often. I felt very flattered. I told her that I wanted to see her again. I told her to think about it. I cannot help myself. Ultimately I don’t want to manipulate her, for I really love her, both as a lover and as a person.

I talked with Sandra for over three hours today. We digressed off the intended subject of our plans and talked about her coming, where she would stay. It became uncomfortable because I had to speak honestly of where I was at in my relationship with Amy. Ultimately I said, “I cannot even promise that I will ever break up with Amy.’ She took that kind of hard but I reinforced the concept that I loved her, Sandra, very, very strongly. I also told her that if I was forced to choose between the two I would choose her (Sandra). In retrospect, I felt that even though it was uncomfortable at times, it was still healthy to talk as honestly as possible, because I want to know that if and when she comes here that there are no big surprises. I want her to be able to adjust to the idea of how it will be. Right now of course my heaven would be to be with her solely but I don’t think that would be best all around. Near the end of the conversation, she mentioned that she had dinner with a man friend who questioned what she was doing. She insisted that even though he was interested in her, she had never kissed him and it was only platonic. But I was upset because I thought he had influenced her. Just yesterday she had said how confident she was in my love and I felt that she was questioning. But she assured me that she had not changed her mind about anything. On one hand the calls cost a lot but on the other hand it seems immaterial. After we got off the phone, she called me back to properly say goodbye, and we talked about 20 minutes more. I notice that I am kind of spaced out. I don’t know if it is jet lag, this new love or Haruka or all that and everything else.

I have been talking to Haruka too. I am planning on seeing her next Thursday and Friday. Sandra and I have planned for her to come to San Francisco a week from Tuesday, May 28.

In the meantime, I think a lot about Amy. Amy said she was thinking about leaving me this morning, but I told her she was pig-headed and I was angry with her; She said, ‘You don’t want me to leave, do you? and I said, ‘That’s right’, she put her arms around me and said, ‘O.K., I won’t.’

Lastly, I forgot to mention another thing Amber said. She told me that I was (actually) the only man that ever excited her. She said that she had never desired a man before in her life (not even her husband) and she might never say these things to another man as long as she lived.

Continued…

Amber called me just now and told me (!) that she wanted me to write this in my diary. She said, “I can’t believe I am saying this. I am very attracted to your penis. Should I call it he or it?” “He.” (Laugh). “Well, I think he is beautiful and sexy…like you…and I think about him a lot.” She went on to say that she feels comfortable telling me this and that our relationship is very special and she thinks that she will never be able to talk this way with another man, as long as she lives.

Sunday May 19, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

More conversations, more thoughts about Amy and living with two women, my head is spinning, check diary for further record.

Monday May 20, 1996
Austin
[L]

Sandra, about 10 times + she called me.

Today I worried much about Sandra. In addition, some of our conversations were troublesome. I felt that she is sometimes very sweet and other times is obtuse and confusing. Over the phone it is really difficult, because whereas in person a warm touch can mitigate a statement (of teasing or displeasure), in this situation I feel somewhat desperate to see her. I think a significant fact is that she and I talked about this. Somehow through it all I feel that we are reaching better understandings. For example, on Saturday, she expressed confidence in how I felt about her, but last night she expressed doubt. Her explanation later is that she fluctuates. My paraphrase of the situation is that she is just human and responds (just like I do) to whatever is happening at the moment.

At the end of my night, I talked a long while, and I started out telling her how desperate I was. She responded throughout the conversation in an attentive and sweet way, and the result was that I felt much, much better afterwards. The good side of all this is that she seems quite willing to explain herself and her feelings, and we seem to be able to resolve the difficulties. Furthermore, it seems that we actually gain understanding. Part of the problem is sort of ironic. The scenario is kind of like this: I love her so much that I get anxious, and want to call her and hope that she’ll be around, and when I ask her where she’ll be, I think she feels I don’t trust her. This sparks all sorts of reactions, not the least of which is to make me additionally insecure. I ultimately decided not to hold back. I tell her that I am frustrated and why and how she could make me happy. I thought she thought I was overbearing. But even though it was difficult, and the fear that it would fall apart started gnawing at me, still, somehow afterward it seemed to communicate: we’re human, we fluctuate, we’re so stressed out from wanting to see each other and lack of sleep that we’re getting irritable, and that ultimately we love each other.

The second thing is that she sensed I was distracted in my room and I decided to tell her that Lana was coming. Then she really got pissed off. She was no longer supportive and she made me feel very insecure. When I told her, she pointed out, (if I am to call it out objectively, very directly and intelligently) that I even said (which I had): ‘well, how would you react if I did sleep with her.’ She told me she was human and she is not that understanding and so I might as well not tell her the truth. Then later, to my recollection, she said that even though it would hurt, she wanted me to tell her the truth. (Lana and I went out to eat and I came back to my hotel to sleep.)

I called her. She said she was waiting to call me. We talked a long time. Maybe she was relieved to find out that I was alone. She asked me a few times if I was really alone, and ultimately it seems perhaps was satisfied that I was, anyway the conversation was very, very pleasant. We seemed to reach understanding. I think we’re feeling each other out.

By the way, I saw Dr Ross again today and talked about what is happening. It was really good, for it was the 3rd day in a row, and I felt he had good insights. He supported my honesty with Sandra.

en route to Austin Texas

Dear Diary:
A whirlwind, a virtual whirlwind my life is!

I hardly know where to begin. There are a few major things, certainly. The biggest of course, is Sandra. Every time I hear her voice, my heart feels warm. Really. Even the thought of being with her is more pleasurable than with a woman who might be superior in terms of physical appearance. It must be love. Today I made flight arrangements for her to come next Tuesday (the 28th), leaving Melbourne at 8 a.m. and connecting in Sydney (to San Francisco). As the day’s go by, I am growing more comfortable with the thought of having her here and working it out, given that I feel very loyal to Amy. In the first few days since my return, I felt very guilty and I felt afraid by the looming unknown, but I feel better now, partially because I have talked it out at length with Sandra, and, ironically, partly because I feel more secure in my feelings toward Amy. I realize that I really love Amy, and I do not believe that will change. Part of what had me afraid is the thought that my feelings for Amy would change. Now I feel at peace with my feelings. I feel there is no need to ‘decide on one or the other’. That is the collective conscience speaking, not my own thought. My own thought is that the challenge is to maintain my personal view in the light of collective view, and not to lose sight of my own.
[!!!]

This is clearly not a time of apathy or self-satisfaction. I feel I am pushing things to my limits, in a way. In the sense that I do not know this path, I do not know where it will lead.

I do not feel pain over Sandra, that is, the longing I feel for her is not painful…but it is uncomfortable. Like a child waiting for Christmas, wondering if Santa will actually come. I am anxious. If Sandra did not come here, then I would want to go to her. I worry about things like: what if I call and she doesn’t answer anymore. It is just a small burning anxiousness. Uncomfortable at times. But not painful. I feel quite sure that if she were sitting with me right now, I would feel very happy just to be with her, just to be able to reach out and touch her. It is one week plus a half a day before her scheduled arrival. It seems like it is so far away! It has only been 6 days since I left her! It seems like a much longer time. Because this water is uncharted, I am not sure of anything. I am still considering whether she could have a change of heart in the next few days.

Yet throughout all this anxiety, I probably could not have a lot more positive encouragement than she is already giving me. She tells me she loves me, she calls me ‘honey’. She speaks in strong terms about her love, about how she is giving up the things she has at home. In her first mentions of the ability to come to me, she sort of put it that ‘there is nothing keeping me in Australia.’

I suppose the unreality of this dream is one of the things that seems so implausible. After all, this has never happened to me exactly this way, not exactly so romantic, not so strong, not for such a long while have I felt anything close to this. I could say: I cannot put my finger on this feeling exactly anyway. It is not definable. Why Sandra? I don’t even think she is the best looking - but I recognize that for me the combination of her personality and the smoothness and graceful lines of her youthful body represent something truly divine for my enjoyment. There are many women that excite me. I have many such women hovering in my life right now. Why Sandra? Why is it so strong? In a way, when I consider the magnitude of how much I want to see her, how much I feel I love her, compared to the slight discomfort I feel, I suppose I should feel surprised that I do not feel pained at being away from each other.

When I got on board the plane to San Francisco from Sydney, our plan had been to see each other on the 15th of June. But it took only a few hours to realize that this plan simply was not in line with where my heart was at. My heart, you see, wanted to be with her right away.

Although I am concerned about the arrangements of how this will all work out with respect to my relationship with Amy; still, I am really only greatly concerned with one thing, and that is: I am hoping to have Sandra in my arms.

I guess I can see other reasons to be concerned or anxious. For example, she tells me that she has told her parents that she is coming to San Francisco on an exchange program for school. This is a lie, but in reality, I think it was a good idea of hers to tell them that. Still, I worry: won’t they ask her a lot of questions about it? Why wouldn’t they probe and find out what she is really up to? Won’t they ask for information? So, I worry that maybe somehow her plan will not work, and this could delay or prevent her from coming.

Come to think of it, I worried about her when I went to the outback even before she indicated she liked me. Maybe she just makes me feel this way. Maybe, if I take it all in stride, maybe I will get used to worrying about her, maybe I will feel comfortable. I love her.

I notice that right now, I think I would be a lot more content if I knew I could reach her during the day. Like, I talk to her in the morning, and then I ask when I can speak with her again. It might be another 12 hours (9 a.m. to 9 p.m. her time) before I can talk to her again, so the timing is off, and I miss her….

Tuesday May 21, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra called me in morn. I feel much better today as far as worrying about Sandra. It seems that the ‘week’ mark is the turning point of what is tolerable: that is, more than a week away seems an eternity and it seems more imminent now. I had a really lovely talk with Sandra from the Phoenix airport. It is odd that with the advent of calmness in our relationship, I feel less worried, then find my mind going on to other things, then realize that I had not worried, and I worry about that: I really want this high to last. She is being really sweet. We had such an enjoyable conversation. Late at night she called my house and we talked for a long time. Amy was upstairs and she almost left but I caught her at the door and convinced her to stay. I can feel Amy’s vibe during these times. I was downstairs feeling worried as I spoke. I do not enjoy the duality of feeling: I want to devote my all to a conversation with Sandra. I wish my ladies could all accept one another.

Wednesday May 22, 1996
en route to Tokyo
[L] [S] [F]

In early morning I called Sandra. I only wanted to speak for a short period of time because Amy was upstairs. Sandra wanted to stay on. So I hate feeling reluctant to be completely honest with her. Finally I admitted why I was distracted. She seemed O.K. about it, but I worry. I really want nothing more than to see her in front of me, then touch her, hold her, kiss her, make love to her. In the morning Amy found out I went to visit Nicole. She was furious. She has given me ample opportunity to break up with her, but I keep trying to convince her to stay. I am torn over this. On one hand, it makes me feel guilty because I feel I am throwing away an opportunity to be with Sandra only (which I would like); but I do it because I think that would only be the easy way out, but what really intrigues me is to try to figure out how to have it so that I have two prime lovers who know of and accept each other.

Continued….

Dear Diary:
One (I myself for one) might argue that it is sometimes better to ‘quit while one is ahead.’ But, if I did so, what could I expect? I think about this. It seems that the very persistence and ‘full steam ahead’ attitude that I live out is the very reason that exciting things have been happening, particularly with women. I do not think I could be faulted on the basis that I am not putting out enough effort.

It was so with Nicole. It was so with Sandra. With Amber. With keeping Amy in my life. And so on. At every turn in the road, I have not asked myself: ‘You already have a girlfriend (or three), why do you think about pursuing another?’ It has been those very situations in which I have bypassed this self-dialogue that I have enriched my life several-fold. Like, at this moment, can I imagine what it would have been like not to pursue Sandra? Life would seem mundane without her. Or, for example, if given a choice about Amber, would I deny the incredible feeling of orgasming from the feeling of her lips and tongue sliding over my hard penis?

It is the practice of pushing forth when challenged with the question of whether I should rest on my laurels or move further into unexplored territory that has made the last twelve months the most vibrant of my life.

Now, I feel I am facing a big challenge. I can easily see why most men do not push beyond this point with their women. On one hand, it is easy to enjoy the fantasy of living amongst women who all accept each other’s love of me. The thought brings on the sense of the ultimate for me. But in the real world, there are some basic problems. First, at any given time, one woman is favored, so, it is less desirable to think about two, for the less desired will mean spending less quality time with the more desired. Second, putting up with the logistics and the anger this sharing inspires in the women currently at hand is not a savory proposition. Third is the question, can I really give a woman my best if I share myself? There are many other factors as well, even stemming to ‘the cost’, ‘what will others think’, etc. Yet, despite so much working against pursuing it, I ultimately have not been able to convince myself that my idea is not the best course of action to pursue. Because there are other, positive sides to the question.

First is: the negatives seem merely ones of perception. They are not axiomatic. To put it in a different way, there is nothing immutable physiologically to prevent women from accepting that they share me. So, if this can be addressed, that is, if the perception of the women involved can be changed, then why could the dream not become true? There are many living proofs, in fact, that it is possible for women to accept sharing a man. Secondly, I find that in the mere pursuit of thinking about and discussing the idea, I am learning at an exponential rate about a lot of things, even things outside the sphere of understanding women. For example, I am learning more about myself. I am reaching deep within myself and searching for answers. If I dropped my ideas, then, since I would no longer be searching, challenging; put in another way: necessity is the mother of invention. So, I am finding out about people generally, about myself, about new ways to perceive things. I find these very worthy side benefits.
[!!!]

So, with that introduction, I am facing whether to apply a lot of effort to keep Amy in my life while I try to spend my time with Sandra, or to let Amy go and be only with Sandra. I cannot say which avenue will realize itself. After all, it is not completely in my hands; that is, the amount of effort depends on Amy (and Sandra). One thing is immutable here: I really want to be with Sandra. I feel I will sacrifice a lot to achieve that.

Today, San Francisco time, is late afternoon on Wednesday. As I count it, Sandra is supposed to arrive on Tuesday, which is five and a half days away, 125 hours away. It seems so much could happen in that period of time. I still worry that there may be a glitch on Sandra’s side, although she assures me not to worry. She says that the visa, the ticket and her parents, no problem. But I still worry. She had mentioned her parents as one of the things that can hold her back (but that they had agreed). But I worry that my calls may alert her mother and they (her parents) may change their mind. Of course, the biggest single factor is Sandra herself. I worry that considerations about Amy, for example, may influence her to change her mind about coming on Tuesday. I worry about that, but then I worry about so many other things.

For example, I worry about the logistics of what will happen when she comes. But then, I am repeating myself, for I have already written about these things.

Most of all, I feel I can face all such challenges, that seeing her and being able to be with her will give me the strength and motivation to get through it.

I do worry however about losing Amy, both for her and for me.

And another, deeper concern: if I only have Sandra, while on one hand this would make me happy, will I find myself feeling I should give up my other girls? It is largely Amy’s acceptance of my other liaisons that had fueled my pursuit of them while maintaining a relationship. The thing is this: from this standpoint of my current position, I cannot feel good about becoming a one-woman man. But at a future time, I may forget how it feels to be able to run free. I may feel that is best. From where I sit now, having had the experience of both being monogamous and polygamous, I believe polygamy is superior. People are funny, myself included. We so often stick to our way simply because it is our way. I do not want to base my position to be based on holding on to what I do as if it is the best thing merely because it is comfortable. I want to do what is the best thing based on what I would do if I could experience both situations simultaneously and choose at that moment.

I am going to Japan for two days in order to see Haruka regarding her pregnancy. First of all, I want to sit with her on the edge of the bed holding her hand and talk to her about what she wants to do. But the danger in simply leaving it open is that it is my experience that the woman will take it the wrong way. They want the man to make his stand. To this effect I have come equipped with a quite beautiful ring for her which I purchased this morning at Nordstrom’s (for $600), whilst being in between harangues from Amy on my cellular phone regarding my forays to Trinidad to ‘fuck her’ (Nicole). I want to give Haruka the ring as a positive sign of my affections and nudge her in the direction of an abortion. However, diary, I am not convinced this is the best thing to do. One of the considerations at hand is that I have told both Amy and Sandra about Haruka’s pregnancy. I tell other people about my life for several reasons. One is that I tend to be talkative, and I like to talk freely, so if I avoid talking about something it is likely that at a later date I may find myself talking about a related subject; it is better to be direct, otherwise people will feel mislead. Secondly, I find people’s advice good input to my own ideas. Further, this situation may impact on both Amy and Sandra: shouldn’t they have a chance to voice their feelings?

I am not convinced, but I have not talked to one person who said I should go ahead and have a baby, although a couple of people seemed to assume that is what we would do. I am torn, because my desire to live holistically with regard to my inner self, my corresponding belief in the power and goodness in nature and the need to live in accordance with its forces rather than try to oppose them, nags at me and notifies me that in the back of my mind, I believe in my own ideal world, it is better to have the child than not. There is Haruka at the center of the equation: what does she want? That is why I want to talk to her. I want to find out. I do not feel afraid of the situation. I merely want to resolve it.

Then, I will see what the outcome is. If she has an abortion, I will try to keep her friendship, her love. If not, I guess I will form an interest and try to take an active but limited parent-ship of the child. Dr. Ross indicated that a girl from a family such as Haruka’s, where there is an incestuous relationship between a father and a daughter, could result in unexpected behavior if the daughter has a child. There are a lot of complexities in this.

When I get back, supposedly, I will return on Saturday afternoon through L.A. Supposing that everything is on schedule, Sandra is supposed to arrive Tuesday morning. So I would have three nights left in San Francisco. Luly is coming for the weekend, but she indicated that she is bringing a (guy) friend. I would like to see Amber. But the biggest thing of course is Amy. Should I let Amy be by herself for awhile? Should I nudge Amy in that direction? Although this sounds like it may be best from the standpoint of letting things work smoothly with Sandra, I see this as potentially not the best choice. If I lost the continuity with Amy, I think it is likely that someday in the not too distant future, she would call up and find out that I was living with Sandra. How would that be? She would likely be very upset and that would end our relationship, at least our romantic relationship, for good. Or, the other thing that could happen is that Amy and I would start seeing one another, and Sandra, who would have become pleasantly accustomed to having me all for herself, she would have much more cause to complain than if Amy and I were occasionally seeing each other when Sandra came.

If I make an effort to see Amy and keep it going for awhile with the two of them, with Sandra’s knowledge and with Amy not knowing, there is a benefit in that it gives me a chance to evaluate things before I commit myself one way or the other. It also leaves open the possibility of me being able to continue to see Amy on a friendship/lover/sexual basis - while Sandra potentially could accept this.

Beyond my primary concern of just feeling Sandra in my arms again, my secondary concern is how I am going to change when she comes. On one hand, I would love to throw myself into the relationship and treat her as a wife from day one. On the other hand, I fear what will happen to my other relationships. My initial intention is to bring Sandra with me when I travel on business. This might be good for the business in that I may be eager to travel and visit customers because it will be fun to be together with her for much of a day. On the other hand, it will be expensive for me. Still yet, here is the crux. If I start out with that as standard, how will she take it if I am, for some reason, unable to take her with me, and how will I feel if for example, she is in school and unable to come with me? Even these things are minor compared to my real issue. How am I going to take feeling that I cannot continue to see Nicole, or others? I imagine I will feel very hesitant even going on a trip to see, for example, Nicole, since I will feel very badly to lie to Sandra, and if I do not lie, she may not tolerate it. Then, I wonder where I will be. I may feel trapped, whereas now I feel free. Although Amy gets upset, Amy still has stayed with me after finding out about my ‘adventures.’

This is a very interesting discussion, because it seems my one way to sort of ‘love Sandra fully’ and still ‘maintain my existing lifestyle’ is to keep Amy in my life. The reason for this is that I have already told Sandra about Amy. I do not know if it is significant or not, but in a jocular sort of way, Sandra said that I had to promise her three things or she wasn’t coming. 1. I had to tell her that I loved her at least ten times a day. 2. I had to make love to her at least once a day. 3. I had to see her at least three hours a day. I told her that I would be delighted to do all these, that I could do all these.

This is very, very interesting. I reflect that to some extent, at least for the time being, Sandra has indicated that she is willing to tolerate Amy being in my life. I reflect that it may be inferred that she is willing because I have sincerely explained to her how much Amy has meant to me. On the other hand, I sense that if I should, for example, discover a new lover after Sandra came, Sandra would feel ripped off, and she would not tolerate it. I feel she would feel very jealous. With Amy, it feels more as if she is coming into an existing situation and she can work her way closer over time, whereas if I found a new girl, I think it would feel the opposite way. That is, I feel it would make her feel that she was being usurped. I sense that to be the usurper is an acceptable feeling. To be usurped is not. The usurper can hold out awhile, as long as ‘progress’ is being made.

Furthermore, I sense that if I had established with Sandra that I had Amy and she could over time accept this, or at least tolerate this, that then the thought of me being with another woman might have more of the sense of ‘her being one of the established, like Amy.’ That is, more like she and Amy were the established and the new girl was the outsider. Or am I just dreaming?

So while all these thoughts are flying around my brain, the future reader may wonder how I am feeling? I am feeling pretty good at the moment. My anxiety over Sandra has lessened. I do not know why, but I hope it is merely because we have gained more of an understanding and are both actually more secure with each other. I sure hope so, for if it [is] for any other reason, if I recognized it, I would start to worry again. Let me state here that I am very much in love with Sandra. Just the thought of her body, her smell, her crotch, her pussy hair, the way her pussy wets itself, the way it looks, the way it smells, her mouth, the way she kisses, the way her body elegantly sprawls out on the bed, the way she hovers over me, her tiny body full of spunk. There are so many things. Her voice, her suppleness, the fine texture of her hands, so soft. As I write this and I am reminded of all her fine qualities, I am also reminded of why, when I was with her, it became a very natural thought to be only with her, not because I felt outside pressure to have those thoughts, but simply because I enjoyed her so much. There is so much to explore. Beyond all the physical characteristics, her personality and mind are perhaps the very things I find most exciting.

Then there are all the other concerns I have in my life. The business is a challenge. Last week my father canceled our license. We believe that he does not have legitimate and substantive grounds to do so, but then again, anything could happen in a court of law, and I do not want to find out what it is like to be sued by him. So that situation sort of serves as a nagging thing, not really overwhelming my world, but being the annoyance of a constant threat.

The business did so well for a while, it is getting hard to adjust to the realities of even a slight downturn in business. A few months ago we were always talking about what would happen if we got all these orders at the same time. Now we are not worried about that anymore. We are focusing on how we can keep the shop full and break-even at $700K a month in business.

I think of my grandmother. She moved to a new apartment upstairs, one with more sun. My uncles downsized the amount of furniture since her place was smaller, and she was unhappy with it. Amy and I went there and moved the furniture around and tried to optimize her contentedness. I bought her a rosewood coffee table to replace the slightly bigger one that Uncle Bob took. Gammy was really appreciative.

I don’t talk to my brothers and sisters much lately. I have been away and very busy when I am home.

Regarding the Seven Summits for a Free Tibet flag, as you know, dear diary, I placed that flag on its first summit, Kosciusko, on May 2 this year. When I went to Australia on April 29, I was hoping that the banner was going to be used as a stage backdrop for the June 15-6 Tibet Freedom Concert in San Francisco, but when I returned the news was that they will use it somewhere, but not as a backdrop. Jon Dugger is supposedly working on it. I think the T-shirt idea is on hold. I have been too busy to monitor what is going on.

My roof deck pokes along. I think it is going to be beautiful. I had coffee with the architect Bill Walters on Saturday. I asked him yesterday if I had anything to worry about if he would ever try to seduce Amy. He seemed surprised, perhaps offended. I asked him because sometimes I find his behavior a bit incomprehensible, such as strolling into the kitchen when Amy was washing dishes one evening, when he Mike Bovo and I were discussing something in the dining room. He leaned against the counter and just stood there.

As far as finances, I have done O.K. I have managed to get out of the divorce (the expungement is dragging on and still pending) without any damage to myself financially. I managed to make my tax bill for the year and to even keep up with my deposits for the first quarter. I even have some money in the back, about $5000 in my checking account. But I am somewhat concerned because of a few factors. I have about $25,000 worth of bills coming up for the roof deck. Plus my credit card bills are probably about $5000. And then there are all the considerations about my up and coming plans for getting outside apartments etc.

So I guess what I am saying is that I have managed to hold my head above water and still do pretty much everything I want to do, such as go to Australia, take time off, build a deck, buy a house, get a new car, fly pretty much wherever I want to go without a thought, buy rings for Amy (and now Haruka), buy some nice clothes. But now the business is not doing great; I see a lot of business challenges ahead. I can also see that I will need personal capital but I am not disposed to give myself a bonus any time soon without some improved financial position. I imagine I will sell my Porsche and maybe my van. If Sandra is here I guess I will buy a car for her to drive.

I am doing O.K. but I won’t have a lot of excess cash. The phone calls alone are piling up. I probably have compiled up to $3,000 of personal phones calls in some months, although a lot of this is charged to the company, partially because I am away when I make the calls.

In many senses, I desire a simpler life. But on the other hand I thrive on the thoughts of continually pursuing my dreams. One of the dreams for this year is to complete the Seven Summits, preferably on my first attempt. Another is to start to focus more on going to the ‘rest’ of the countries in the world that I have not yet visited. I would like to take Sandra with me. I wonder what kind of partner she would make. Then, I consider that Amy let me fuck other women on our travels. She did not like it, but still she stayed with me.

I am satisfied with the thought that life is not perfect and it is always full of difficulties. Regardless of my fear of losing things, still I recognize that there are so many challenges to make my life full, there are so many activities which I could pursue and get pleasure from.

The phrase ‘follow your heart’ comes to mind.

Before I end this entry, I want to share the interlude that Amy and I had last night. When we came back to bed after she almost left in anger, I looked out at the garden and the sky and I thought. I spoke aloud. I told her that ‘I am not looking for the easy way out.’ I want to pursue my dream.

I told her that rather than look at our own little problem, to consider the big picture. I thought of a world where there were electric cars, that were quiet and did not pollute the air, that were sound environmentally, perhaps running off of solar power. I thought of a world where no bombs were manufactured. Where the manufacture of weapons of destruction was simply no longer allowed. I thought of a world at peace. Then, if you can picture this world, imagine what relationships would be like in such a world. Just as our transportation and industry are based on forcing our way through nature, like pouring gasoline into engines, they explode and they spew exhaust out into the world, so are our relationships. Because they are not based on what people are made of. What we are is denied. Like, I told her I wanted a secure relationship, not one like the ones I see: in which someone devotes themselves to their wife for twenty years and then one day a young woman comes along and they sleep together, the wife finds out and they end up getting a divorce in a court of law. What kind of world is this? I think it is unfortunate. I do not want my relationships to be so fragile. I want them to be strong, where the esteem, mutual respect and understanding of the relationship are so strong that nothing could shatter its direction. Where children do not have to grow up in broken homes, come home to a lonely house where one parent is living in another state and the other is working.
[!!!]

There must be a better life. I do not want to spend the rest of my days lusting after beautiful women and constantly denying myself the chance to try. Remember, I wrote recently that the very acting out of the positive male interest in women, regardless of success or failure, is a release which brings with it joy. It feels good just to get it out. What a suppressed and unhappy world we live in - compared to my vision of what it could be. I am firmly convinced that we need to base our conventions to align with the positive natural traits that we feel day to day. We need lots of hugging, kissing, loving, social activity, at least generally, most people do.
[!!!]

Thursday May 23, 1996
Tokyo
[L]

From the time I left Tokyo I tried to call Sandra but the phone did not work. I then tried in Tokyo from about 6 p.m. Melbourne time until 12:30 a.m. Melbourne time to reach her but her parents said she was not home. I was bummed out. I worried. I imagined that she was working again or just plain inconsiderate. I finally reached her at 6 a.m. her time today. She said she had a fever and had been home and sick but her parents were protective and just said she was not there. Sandra’s stories are sometimes hard to believe, but she does a good job if she is lying. Later today she told me the bad news. She said that the consulate denied her visa! It seems rather unbelievable, but she told me so many details and it sounds like something the consulate would do. They told her because she was in the ‘high risk group’ of people who do not return, i.e. single, young, female, they would not allow her. This is outrageous. So. Our master plan is mish-mashed. I did not really expect this. I cannot help but believe this is only a setback. I suggested Canada. She says that she is willing to go to Vancouver. She doesn’t need a visa there. At least we can spend some time there together in a couple of weeks. I am going to try to fight this visa denial. I think it is absurd. Now all my dreams are at best on hold. Sandra seems surprised that I am so willing to go to great lengths to see her. But on the other hand, I am touched by her willingness to go to great lengths to see me. I just love making love to her. And I love talking to her. And this combination is really desirable to me.

24 FRI San Francisco
25 SAT San Francisco

Dinner with Luly and friends.

en route to San Francisco

I slept almost the entire way and I could sleep more only I want to write while I have a chance.

The worst thing: Sandra was denied a visa. I cannot believe that this condition will persist. I have never heard of that and I think it is ridiculous. There must be a way to overcome it. Borders with guns. This is something that has to change. The world is ours, why can’t we move freely in it?

I am not too worried about it, miraculously. I don’t know what this tells me. I want to believe it tells me that we will get her a visa. I just have this feeling with Sandra. She says there is nothing in Australia for her and she would do anything for me. I feel I would do anything for her. (We qualify ‘within reason.’) I find this so exciting. It is what I want - that is, for someone that I love to be that willing.

It was love at first sight and I cannot explain it. In a way, it is really simple: I love to make love to her and I love to talk to her — and this combination is a very powerful attractant to me. There must be a way to bring her here. In the meantime, she and I are trying to figure ways around this. I thought about Canada. She called and she can go there without a visa. Vancouver is a short flight away from San Francisco. So maybe we can see each other for a few days pretty soon. She says she is willing to come there.

But then I start to consider. Everything is so impractical unless she is in San Francisco. The phone bills are piling up. If she is in a place like Vancouver, how much time could I really spend with her?

In the meantime…
Back in Japan I still have a problem. I had talked with Haruka and she said that she would get an abortion, we went to the clinic, she registered for June 8th to have it done, and then when we were on the way to the airport, she said that she changed her mind and she wanted to keep the baby. I find myself compromised. Because in some ways I think it is a beautiful thing. But then she asked me the following: If I have the baby, when will you marry me? (My own plan had backfired.)

Sunday May 26, 1996
San Francisco
[L]
Luly, Sandra

Today was awesome — at least the part with Luly. I picked her up and she came to my house. I tried to feel that I did not have to touch her, but it came naturally anyway, first a hug, a touch, then later holding hands then even some kissing which was awesomely good. We went to lunch then I piggybacked her to the car, we kissed a beautiful kiss. Later she said, ‘I am trying to savor the moment’. What are you savoring? The first thing she said was : the taste in my mouth. I later said I wished I was part of what she savored and she said, ‘I already did. I said I was enjoying the taste in my mouth.’”

27 MON San Francisco

Luly called.

Amy and I miraculously talked and sorted things out. She gave me her blessing to spend the night with Luly (should that happen).
Tuesday May 28, 1996 (written Nov 30 96)
Seattle
[L]

Tonight I really kind of blew it. I was so distraught because Amy was so worried and distraught that I was going up to sleep at Luly’s. I felt so guilty. Luly and I went to dinner. It was really great, it was romantic. We laid on the couch afterwards and we were making out. When she announced that she wanted to go to sleep by herself, I was incensed, sort of as if she was insulting nature (nature obviously wanting us to be together). I wanted her so badly, I acted like a baby, I said I was going to sleep somewhere else, and I ended up saying I’d stay there. Then she asked me to leave. Then I said I’d stay. She (we) felt uncomfortable. I ended up sleeping in the other room. (I was too emotional to act maturely which would have maximized my chances of being with her at a later date.)

Wednesday May 29, 1996
Newark New Jersey
[L]

I cried like a baby on the plane when I talked with Amy. I was afraid she would leave me, that she had cut me off. I was really overwhelmed and extremely insecure. I felt as if I had hurt Amy and the pain was overwhelming as was the feeling of insecurity associated with the thought of losing her.

en route to New Jersey

This morning was miserable. I just got off the phone with Amy, after trying to call her about 15 times. I missed her voice and her sweetness more than you can imagine. The context of my sadness is centered on the fact that Sandra was denied a second time by the Melbourne consulate to come here. The injustice rattles me and grates against the fiber of my soul. I can barely contain myself. Why is that the consulate safeguards against a foreign woman coming here because she might marry? It is the height of ridiculousness. If I was in charge of the world, love would be a perfectly acceptable reason to come to another country. In fact, if I was in charge of the world, there would not be any boundaries between countries at all.
[!!!]

I do not know what to do with my life. It seems empty and meaningless, fraught with unhappiness if I cannot pay tribute to the goddess of love. What mere mortal considerations can rise above its pursuit? If I cannot be with Sandra here in the United States, then why should I remain here? But then my love and devotion also goes to Amy, and I would not be happy without her either. There is my job, which also keeps me here. But nevertheless, somehow, somehow, I need to resolve this terrible heartache.

There are so many problems on my mind, but the main overwhelming thing that I am unhappy about is Sandra. The thought of being with her brings on such an incredible feeling of pleasure, I cannot describe it. I think of going to another country, of living a different life, of breaking our immigration laws just to be with her. The thought of her breasts, her vagina, her sucking my cock, her smell, her lips, her hair, the way she lays in the bed. All of these things. I have mentioned them before, haven’t I? I really love her. Yet the dilemma is that I am afraid I am hurting Amy. I do not know what to do.

I am going crazy. I am spending money on phone calls to the point of the ridiculous. I cannot afford it. And the business is going downhill. I can feel it. There is no control. People don’t know what is expected of them, and it is viewed as the…. [remainder of entry missing]

Thursday May 30, 1996
San Francisco

en route to San Francisco
Yesterday was a very bad day in which I hit rock bottom. I was under so much stress, and away from any loving arms to alleviate the pain. I missed Amy and was afraid she would leave me, and at the same time I feared that Sandra had deceived me. On the plane from Seattle to Newark (changed planes in Denver), I called Amy time and again and could not get through, but finally when I did, she spoke sweetly and softly to me. Her voice was so dear that I sobbed and sobbed quietly in my seat, my head resting on the seat in front of me, until snot just dripped out of my nose onto the floor. I cried and cried, and she said, “Don’t worry honey, we will work everything out.” I was touched and relieved. On the way to my hotel in New Brunswick, I called Amy again and we talked for another half hour. During that conversation, I pointed out to her that if she did not rummage through all my things, we would be a lot happier, because then she would not question everything and I would not have to divulge every feeling and detail of my life. I told her that there are some things that I need to talk with her about and there are times when it is appropriate to get into details (such as when she discovers something that needs an explanation), but so much of these discussions are unnecessary, they only make us both unhappy.

I cited the situation with Luly as an example. We had both been made miserable over the situation, and as it turned out, Luly and I had not even slept together. Amy agreed, and she said that she would try to stop it. Then it seemed to me that maybe Amy would feel more comfortable about our situation if we had a house together. I said it was not that material possessions should matter, but that I said it in the sense that a house is a home.

When I got to my hotel room I called Jack and Amber, but Jack answered the phone. I was wanting to speak with Amber, but ended up speaking with Jack, and that turned out to be a really good conversation. Jack mentioned that Amber had mentioned that I had asked her if they were intimate. I was surprised that Amber had done so, no doubt she had said it as an interrogatory to Jack about what he had spoken to with me, but I kind of feel that she violated my confidence. What must Jack think? I wonder if I should speak openly with him about Amber. I think he could handle it.

My friend Ed had looked up the Melbourne escorts on the Internet last night and gave me the number for Aussie Girls, which is where Sandra indicated she had worked. I called them. They said that she was on holiday for three or four weeks, and they indicated that this was effective as of the beginning of this week. My interpretation of this was that there is a strong likelihood that she in fact quit as she had told me, but there is never any way of knowing the truth for sure.

Then I dialed international information for the Melbourne U.S,. consulate. I got a hold of the visa supervisor, and, the conversation was very enlightening, very enlightening indeed. I learned how badly she had, to use his words, ’shot herself in the foot.’ In her original application, she had stated as her reason to travel: ‘work and study’ He said that in 99% of the cases they approve a request for a tourist visa, and that it is only in such extreme cases (of direct violation of their policy) that they disallow the visa. In essence, it would have been easy for her to come, and on that very night in that New Jersey hotel room in which I felt miserably alone, she would have been there in the bed with me, keeping me warm and happy. But because of her naiveté, she created a condition in a few pen strokes that meant that she would not be allowed to re-apply for a full year. He told me that her second application was inconsistent with the first. For example, on her first, she had put as her occupation: ‘part time student, part time model.’ But later she mentioned that she worked for another company (presumably the bank). I felt that the visa supervisor, Andrew, was reasonable about it, and that she had essentially created a situation in which they had little choice but to bar her, since one of the basic rules is to overcome the presumption of intent to immigrate.
Objectively, I think the reasoning is ridiculous, but from a practical standpoint, I feel that the people carrying out the edicts of the embassy are beholden to the system and that there is not much that they themselves can do.

He did give me one ray of hope, in that he indicated that the only way she could come would be if she had an approved work permit, but he failed to tell me (but I learned from Clark Trevor, my immigration attorney, today) that in order to get such a visa she would need to have a four-year degree.

Despite the fact that this is so dismal in terms of getting her here anytime soon legally, still it is positive news in a very important respect. That is: Sandra was sincerely trying. She did fuck it up pretty bad, but this news alleviated my fears over whether or not she was telling me the truth. She did lie in a way, by omission, because she did not tell me this, and she did know that this was why she was denied, but I can kind of understand her reluctance to tell me. That isn’t malicious, it just indicates the level of her embarrassment. It also explains why she tried to hint with me not to bother with the congressmen’s letters. Because she knew that there was little likelihood of it helping. I later told her that her omission had caused me a great deal of pain and expense of effort.

When I got off the phone, I called her immediately. It was 1:35 a.m. I started to relate to her my news when she asked me if I could call her back five minutes later, there was something she had to take care of. Over the next hour I tried to call her about ten times and every time it was busy. I felt badly at this and finally left a message on her voice mail to call me in the hotel room. I felt that maybe I would never talk to her again, that maybe as I had started to tease her about her mistake, that she had taken it the wrong way. This extreme anxiety was typical of what I was going through yesterday and lately in general. My better judgment told me that it would be something on the order of a 1% possibility that I would not talk to her in the next twenty four hours. Sometime, maybe at about 3:30 a.m., I was awaken by a phone call. It was Sandra. She was apologetic for ‘lying’. I had not even thought of it as lying and said “What lying?” and she said “Oops. No nothing.” “No, you’ve gone this far, so tell me.” Then she recited her omission. I related all that the consular official had told me. We confirmed to each other our love. I reassured her that if anything the truth had made me trust her more. She needed the encouragement. We talked about our plans to see each other next Monday in Vancouver.

Since last night, I have been doing much better. I feel that the strain of feeling the great injustice of her not getting a visa was relieved, even replaced with some degree of humor with the knowledge of our unfortunate fate. At least I no longer see it as a great injustice. It is totally understandable, as are her actions. But today I called Clark, my immigration attorney (the one who helped me bring Joy into the country). He dashed any hopes of a legal entry (unless I got married and stayed married). The approved work permit would require that she would have to have a four-year degree. There is virtually no easy way to get her into the country, and it seems that the best alternative relative to the consulate is to wait a year and re-apply. Andrew, the consular officer, had indicated that after a year it would be like starting over again.

So here I am diary. What could have been a great gift fallen in my lap now presents a dilemma in my life. Here are the choices as I see them. The basic thing is that I really, really want to be with Sandra. This feeling seems immutable. The fact is that I really don’t want to be in love with someone else. Now, if I want to be with her, what must I do? There are not a lot of choices: A. See her outside the U.S, legally, or B. See her inside the U.S. illegally.

Clark Trevor’s associate had related to me in an indirect manner that a lot of times the border patrol between the U.S. and Canada is unmanned at night. It seems that it would be fairly easy for her to come into the United States. Today I talked at length with Clark what the parameters were of the violation. He had indicated that on April 24th, just last month, President Clinton had enacted a new tough immigration law that required immediate deporting of any illegal aliens accompanied by a five to ten year ban on their re-entry. He said that if I aided or abetted someone to come into the U.S. that I would technically be subject to ‘alien smuggling’ laws, but that it was unlikely they would follow up on that.

So I sit here, my mind churning around and around. Fortunately I am not in the overwhelming emotional pain that I was in yesterday. Yesterday I was so uncertain about everything. Today I may face a great dilemma, but I no longer feel the uncertainty. I wonder in fact about how I felt yesterday. I think I may have been both dehydrated and that I overdosed on caffeine (coffee). Physically I was so irritable that I just about felt like crying when I would miss an exit on the freeway. I was, obviously, in a bad way.

O.K. Let me list the possibilities as I see them.

1. One choice is to get a residence in Vancouver (or in a border town in Mexico) and to have Sandra stay there. As I see it I could either live there about half the time and fly back and forth to home on a commute. This way, perhaps, either with or without Amy’s knowledge, keep Amy in my life, and Sandra as well,. Maybe I could give Sandra a computer and have her work on something. This choice has the advantage of being legal. The main disadvantages are that she would be on her own half the days or more; that I would be away from the office a lot; and that Amy might object. Another disadvantage is that it would be costly to always fly there. There might come a time when Amy would put her foot down and make an ultimatum regarding my travel there. This could be a dilemma.

2. Another possibility is the idea of having her enter the United States through the land border with Canada. If this could be achieved, she could travel to San Francisco. Once there, we could set up house just as if she were there on a tourist visa. In this scenario, I could see her almost every day. I could still spend three or four days a week with her and tell Amy I was on a business trip, and it is possible to keep Amy in my life. Also, I could go in to the office more and it would be better for the business. The main problem with this is of course that it is illegal. As I stated earlier, if she was discovered, she could probably expect immediate deportation and barring for five to ten years. Depending on the level of my involvement, I myself might be a suspect for alien smuggling. It might be very, very bad for me, possibly imprisonment. Furthermore, from a practical standpoint, I would always be concerned that we would be caught. I would always have to face the possibility of coming home one day and finding my life as I know it destroyed. But there is more to this idea as well: we could expect it to be temporary. Because after a period of time, the plan would be to have her return to Australia and apply for a proper entry on a tourist basis. So it would not be intended to be forever. And in that time, we might have a better grasp on how we would want to proceed.

3. Another possibility is something sort of drastic with respect to my home life. That is, to make a departure from my life as I know it and to plan to travel for the coming year. Then Sandra and I could travel with each other. This would be costly financially, but in a way perhaps not as much as one might think. Furthermore, it would be very disruptive to both work and my relationship with Amy. It would, on the other hand, be very rewarding from the standpoint of travel, adventure and romance. Wow! And it would be legal. Talk about making ice cream (the idea of traveling for a year) out of horse shit (the current dilemma thrust upon me by Sandra’s error and the ridiculous state of diplomacy).

4. Some combination of the above. For example, would it be possible to accelerate my travel plans and (nearly) every time I travel internationally to have Sandra travel with me, and in the off periods, to have her live in Canada and see her there, or to come to the United States in between. The good thing with this idea is to minimize risk associated with breaking immigration laws. But come to think of it, it might be even more risky, as this would require her to continually travel back and forth to the Canadian border.

5. Check out where the laws are concerning visa for Australians. Is it possible that the laws will be relaxed to the extent that Australians will not need visa in the U.S.?

6. Is it possible that she could get a visa by: a) traveling to somewhere abroad and ‘losing’ her passport and then getting another issued (so as to lose any notation from a U.S. Embassy) and then b) to be able to find a U.S. consulate that is not tied by computer to the home office? Is there a possibility that that exists? If it did would that consulate try to wire to the home office before visas were issued? Is it possible that they might not do that for first world countries such as Australia? I guess the answer is that it is unlikely. Where might this be possible? Or, is it possible to find an embassy where the people are lax? Which place would fit this description? For example, in Niger, or in Gabon, or in someplace like Rio Muni? Why can’t I call up Rio Muni or have Sandra call up and ask them how many days for a tourist visa for an Australian, and also to ask if in emergency situations they can issue one the same day (to minimize the chances that they will check their computer). This might be intricate, but it has a few advantages. First of all, it means that I would get to travel with her to some exotic place. Secondly, it would be an attempt to get her to enter legally. But what else might happen? Could it be that they might forward the information and by the time we arrived back in the United States that they might not allow her in? But if she was issued a bona fide visa, maybe they would not bother to do that. But they might have a tracking system for this sort of thing that would match it up very quickly and alarm the immigration authorities.

So, these are the ideas. I cannot think of many more possibilities, just variations on this theme. For example, having Amy come live with us in Vancouver. (O.K., I will admit that is a long shot if ever there was one). Or myself moving to Australia. Or quitting my job. Etc. But they all seem like variations on the above themes.

There are however ways of looking at the problem that make it seem a little different. For example, right now I am looking at the long term picture, or at least focusing on it. But the short term picture is what I have to deal with. Like the next few weeks. The idea of Sandra coming to the United States may seem risky, but in a way, there can be no question that it offers the most immediate pleasure, and it maximizes the current life. If I could satisfy myself that I do not personally face a risk, then one might asks the rhetorical question: what good is it for Sandra or I to be so far away from each other? I mean, if she is deported in the process of being with me, at least we did our best. Compared with the alternative of severe logistical problems of her living in Canada, which could likely put such a strain on our relationship that it might adversely affect its constitution, at least going for the best , though not legal but certainly in my mind moral, would be the most conscionable decision. I suppose ultimately the greatest risk would be that I would be convicted of alien smuggling and lose all privileges of traveling for the rest of my life, although this seems extremely unlikely.

I am glad to have written all of this out. It is not an easy situation, but writing it out at least makes me feel that I have taken a look at all sides, at least to the extent that I now see.

31 FRI San Francisco

June 1996

Saturday June 1, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Told Jack a minimal amount about my involvement with Amber.

Sunday June 2, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Haruka told me she does not want me to call anymore.

Monday June 3, 1996
Richmond, CA
[L]

The miraculous happened; after all the problems trying to get Sandra in the country, we had planned to meet in Vancouver. She connected in Los Angeles and they told her to go through immigration. In fact, I saw her passport and they did stamp it and all the information was as she told me (name, age, etc.). So we rerouted her to San Francisco and we met about 3:30 p.m. at gate 71. I told Amy I was away on a business trip to Austin/Colorado. Sandra was jet-lagged. We stayed at Hotel M__ in R______.

June 4, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Haruka left message saying to call her.

Drove over to the city and showed Sandra my house. We slept in the darkroom because I knew that if we slept in the bed Amy would notice that something was wrong.

June 5, 1996
Richmond, CA
[L]

Nicole called. Spent the night again at the Hotel M__ in R_______. It is a nice room but the mood of staying there: well, everything seems so up in the air.

Thursday June 6, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra spent the night at the Holiday Inn Fisherman’s Wharf. My original plan was to bring her to the city so that she could be more mobile on the weekend since I would be gone at the rep conference. But later the plans changed and she came to Napa.

Friday June 7, 1996
Napa
[L]

Sandra drove to Napa and did not arrive till about 1 a.m. (tomorrow). These days are characterized by my feeling very insecure about Sandra’s whereabouts and whether or not I can trust her to call me or to be somewhere or not to just leave.

Saturday June 8, 1996
Napa
[L]

I spent most of the day with the reps. I saw Sandra about 4 p.m. for a short time (and a quick sex interlude), then went out to dinner again, returning about half an hour before midnight to our room. Tonight we left the window open for fresh air.

Sunday June 9, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

In the meantime I was being elusive and calling Amy. In the morning Sandra drove back in her rented vehicle and I drove back and continued the conference at the Fairmont. In the evening I went to see Sandra and we made love then I went to Amy.

Monday June 10, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

In the morning before I went to work I saw Sandra at her hotel. I am always worried that she will disappear. We made love and then made plans to see each other in the afternoon. I told Amy that I would have to be with Karl a lot this week In the evening, I saw Sandra again. We went to see an apartment down the curvy part of Vermont St. It was ‘perfect’. I put a deposit on it. I brought Sandra back to her Hotel and returned home to sleep with Amy.

Tuesday June 11, 1996
Austin
[L]

Amber called; very, very surprising. She indicated that although she had tried to deny herself of me that she began wondering why she was doing that to herself. ‘Life is too short,’ she said. She seemed to want to see me almost immediately.

We went to Austin during the day. I had thought it would be a perfect time but when we got to Austin there was a note saying that the apartment had already been rented.

Wednesday June 12, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Nicole called me left strong message of love and missing – she really seems sincere (and horny)
Thursday June 13, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

When I said “I love you” to Amber, she said that she did not think so because our actions did not indicate so.

……Today I found a place on the hill where Sandra can stay alternately in a guest room at a family’s house and a nearby guest house. The house is really nice. The bed creaks. I got her a cellular phone, a car rental and gave her $1000. Still she seems a little distant. I think that it has been a strain on her that I work so much and I spend the nights with Amy. Consequently I feel insecure. Starting from the morning, I visited Sandra at the St. Francis hotel and after work met her at F____’s. We looked at an apartment. We went to her new quarters at 853 De Haro St. just blocks from my house. Later we made love in her new room. When I got home to Amy, I felt unexcited by Amy. I ran to Sandra and spent some minutes holding her. Now the truth is that I am falling more and more deeply for Sandra and I am surprised that I find myself considering not being Amy’s lover anymore. I really love Amy so dearly, but when I have made love with her the last two nights, I have complained about how big her shoulders are. In reality I am becoming so enamored of Sandra’s petite-ness. I am fascinated by Sandra’s body, and I desire her all the time, so it is very difficult, beginning last night, to sleep with Amy. I just recognize that there is risk to my relationship with Sandra.

June 14, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

The day goes by. I see Sandra at 5 a.m., then go to airport, to Portland, I return to her at 6 p.m., spend two hours, the first making love then talking kissing cuddling, really nice, then home to Amy. Amy smells perfume and checks my flight time on my ticket stub so knows that I was out, she puts two and two together and says so, so it is obvious I have been cheating. I hate to see how old Amy looks, my heart goes out to her, she feels dejected. She usually looks much more fresh and invigorated. I get a [remainder of entry missing].
15 SAT San Francisco
16 SUN San Francisco
17 MON Carmel .
Tuesday June 18, 1996
Carmel
[L]

Amber called.

Amber told me that she wanted to not be like her mother, who never communicated. So, she was calling me to communicate with me. I was really surprised by her behavior. Remember last time she called she said to just forget everything. This time she ended the conversation saying that she wanted to see me to talk soon. To give you an idea, she asked when I would be back in the city. She reminded me that I forgot the last time that we had made plans with each other. Now I feel it is final. I feel that she will come through and be my lover. I do not know how long it will take and I think this is somewhat dependent on how much time I have available for her. I am really surprised by this: her persistence despite her changing perspective. I am learning a lot and still.

19 WED San Francisco

20 THU San Francisco

Amber and I are going to get together but neither of us has the time.
21 FRI San Francisco

Again Amber and I are going to get together but neither of us has the time.
22 SAT San Francisco
Sunday June 23, 1996
San Francisco

Tonight was unbelievable. In the morning, I awoke at 5:30 and came out and saw Amy had gone. I was frantic. But she was really just in the porch smoking a cigarette (which she’s been doing this week to calm herself). I took her downstairs and made love to her. She afterwards left and I went upstairs to Sandra. Sandra and I made love (?). We went to the office in the afternoon and stayed there till about 8 p.m. We had only slept about three hours the night before. When we left the office Sandra was being a pill. Then she turned into…. [remainder of entry missing]

Monday June 24, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Amy had to go to Napa for a conference. We made love in the morning, which was nice. Sandra was downstairs. After Amy left, Sandra and I made love but I did not come so I did not count it, although the sex was hot lusty and delicious. We made love at night. We got back from the office very late and we watched a movie. We made love before going to sleep. We had oral sex a long time. It was incredible. She is like a dream. The sex was very fine. I also had confirmation today that Sandra is as intelligent as she purported. I gave her a spreadsheet at work and she duplicated the entire thing perfectly when I had only expected a few rows of numbers. There were reverse highlights, etc.

June 25, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

It is so unbelievably nice to just be with Sandra and not have to worry about fitting Amy in. But still I so not want to give up on my original thought. I really enjoyed the day with Sandra at work immensely. It just felt so incredible at work that she was so helpful and (underscore) competent. I felt that she makes an ideal companion. As evening approached I felt that same tension accompanying Amy coming home from Napa and having to deal with what I was going to do about it.

At the same time I felt like battling that feeling. So I called Amy from work and kept on postponing how the end of the night would be. Sandra and I got along wonderfully until I called Amy before we ate and at the restaurant. When I called Amy at the office Sandra seemed to cool off. Then when I called her at the restaurant, I felt somewhat irritable. Since Amy was so depressed and accusatory and negative, I became unpleasant to be with. The service was lousy anyway and the meal turned into a general disaster.

June 26, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Nicole called.

Awoke after a very late night (3 a.m.) since Sandra and stayed at the office till 2 a.m. yesterday. TMR (To my recollection), we made love in the morning and went to work together. We worked until about 8 p.m. and then we went home. We made love and about 11:30 p.m. I went over to spend the night with Amy. We stayed up talking for awhile in bed. I think that Amy was a little surprised that I came over to spend the night with her. Other than the condom the lovemaking was pretty good. We slept.

June 27, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

In the morning I left Amy before she would have liked, went home to Sandra, who was acting bratty. Sandra and I went to Lambert’s office. LT and I talked about buying LS out. Sandra fascinated by conversations. Went to work. Went out with Sandra and Steve Hays and again SH and I talked about business and Sandra was fascinated. By the way, at work she is very helpful. Calls to Amy during the day made my chest tighten up again. After dinner called Amy from my house and she seemed terribly depressed. So I talked to Sandra who agreed to have Amy over to the house. But when I called Amy back she was gone. Sandra and I made love. It was hot. Then went to search for Amy. We were waiting for Amy on her couch when she came in. She told us to get out. Sandra went to the car and I talked to Amy. She asked Sandra back in and apologized to her. I invited Amy to the house. We all went back to the house. Sandra went to bed and Amy and I made love on the couch. Then I crawled into bed next to Sandra and Amy crawled in next to me. They were both feeling a little neglected at times during the night depending on who I held. I tried to be diplomatic. Basically, I was in heaven. The first time in my life that I was in bed with two women whom I dearly love at the same time.

28 FRI San Francisco .

29 SAT San Francisco

30 SUN San Francisco

July 1996

Monday July 1, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

I called Amber and she called me back twice but I could not sleep with her.

I am nearing my 41st year. As I have indicated in my spreadsheet so much is going on. It is really remarkable and I have, unfortunately, had little time to write about my extraordinary (at least for me!) life. Right now it is about 2 a.m. and Sandra N¬¬¬¬¬_____, my new lover and live-in is making some kind of gourmet macaroni and cheese. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, my other lover and (what Sandra would like to be former girlfriend) friend, Amy, is at her house, most likely, if she is not sleeping, feeling that I do not love her anymore. The irony is severe. For if I had my choice, I would be loving each of them under the same roof. I am even frightened right now that Sandra will walk up behind me and read what I am writing. So maybe I’ll use the Greek font. So now I have used the Greek font and it really looks Greek to me. In fact it is Greek to me and I hope that later I will not have to use too many corrections. Wow, this is great.

Deep in my heart, although I write as if I write in jest, I feel very strongly about the subject. I am concerned about Amy. It might normally be difficult to remember what a dear heart she has if I let myself be “normal” in my approach to the situation. But I am not talking a normal view of this situation nor of my life. I do not look at my situation as merely “my situation” - I see it as representative of situations the world over, and this I see it as being of global importance. If each person saw it that way, well, more power to them. It is how I see my life. In other words, I am not “trying to be special” by feeling my life is of global importance. I actually see it that way. And yet I realize as well that I am nothing and not important at all.

This situation is not in itself unusual.

July 2, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Nicole called, Haruka called, I called Amy several times.

Tonight I felt like telling Sandra that despite the fact that I was completely and totally in love with her, still I could not compromise who I was. Afterwards she said, ‘OK, why don’t we just have Amy move in?’ I felt that as usual she was both sincere and shaky on the point. It depends on her mood. Later she seemed to recant the position. Actually she is basically damn honest on the point that it might change her feelings.

July 3, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Tonight everything blew up and then it resulted in the three of us making love. Amy deserves a lot of credit. Sandra was ready to bail and Amy let her know that she should “open her heart’ and that Amy’s was open. Sandra came back in at about 6 a.m. and we all made love. I had intercourse with Amy and had Sandra’s bottom positioned so that I could lick her pussy while I was fucking Amy. Sandra’s pussy was (is) delicious. I was completely worn out but the sense of what was happening was awesome.

July 4, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

At first light Sandra was out of the bed (6:41 a.m.) not but an hour after we had all made love. She went into the living room and was trying to call her friend and a guy in Australia. I was reading her letters to an Australian friend. The situation looked as if she would leave. I was very worried. I tried talking to her and when it seemed I could do no more I went to the bedroom and slept next to Amy. Sandra ended up going to sleep in the darkroom. I slept about four hours, and I talked with Amy for awhile. Then I went down and lay with Sandra. I wooed her, telling her (quite truthfully) how intensely in love with her that I was. I finally told her: ‘Sandra, I don’t just want to have sex with you right now, for that would seem so cold, I really want to make love with you right now.’ She started to stroke me and then we made really beautiful love. We laid down one more time and then made love. Meanwhile, Amy went out and got coffee and cake for us. When I came up Amy was on the roof. I went for a run. Amy and Sandra ended up being friends and the rest of the day was miraculous, beautiful. They talked about shopping together and getting things for the house. We went to dinner and we went to watch fireworks. I had Amy in one arm and Sandra in the other. I admit that I felt wonderful, proud and honored to be in their mutual company. We went to watch a movie and then Amy decided she wanted to go home. Sandra and I went home and made love.
July 5, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Amber.

Today Sandra and I had the most wonderful conversation. She spoke in a very enthusiastic and enlightened way about the three of us being together. She said that Amy was “so much more woman than 99% of others” because she was “in touch with reality” (her heart). It was really touching. Unfortunately, Amy was going through some territorial issues (expressed on the phone) and it tended to get in the way of the good feelings that had been generated.

July 6, 1996
San Francisco
[L] [S]

Today Amy came over. We are now about to have lunch together, the three of us.
Sometimes love is invisible, but it is no less real for it.
[!!!]

July 7, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Today as mentioned was very ugly. Sandra was a complete and consummate bitch and Amy joined in. They harangued me and it felt like a gang up and they expressed their rage. Amy at the end of the day broke up and Sandra was victorious. Today turned out to be a disaster, while keeping in mind that events have a strange way of looking bad at first and then being blessings in disguise. I woke up with Amy and she started in about Sandra. I could not stand it. Then I went to Sandra in the darkroom and she would not make love to me. She said that she would like to have a platonic relationship ‘from now on’. I was so angry in the car that I yelled outloud, “Fuck you both.” We arrived at Gam’s.

I had hoped that it would be a great day but the lunch dissolved into an awkward thing when I quietly asked Sandra, ‘Do you really not love me?’ and she said Yes. I became sullen. Gam noticed. (Of course). Afterwards, Sandra and Amy and I sat on the Burlingame High School lawn and they had a field day criticizing me with open abandon; Sandra was pushing me to make a decision and to my amazement Amy was like her pawn. They mocked me. We drove home about 5 p.m. and sat in the bedroom talking. I felt very awkward because they were asking me to make a decision and I really wanted both. I could scarcely believe the turn things had taken. Amy finally said she had made the decision a long time ago. She left, but I stopped her. She gave me my key, I handed it back to her. She put it on the table, I put it in her pocket. We hugged outside and she calmed down and we affirmed our love. Making love with Sandra was awesomely good.

Monday July 8, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

I called Nicole, Amy.

Late at night I left a message with Amber; I said that I did not respect her, for she had turned her back on love.

Today Amy and I affirmed our love. She was so sweet that I was inspired to drive over at 2 a.m. and make sweet love to her. My feelings for Sandra diminished considerably.
Tuesday July 9, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Today Sandra expressed some regret but I wonder if it is sincere. I felt so resolved to keep Amy in my life. Her love feels real. Even Sandra suggested that even though she loves me, maybe Amy loves me more.
July 10, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Went to LA with Sandra and met with Ray Vadalma and had dinner there.
11 THU San Francisco
12 FRI San Francisco

July 13, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Haruka called. She is being forced to marry a childhood friend.

July 14, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Haruka called me.

Amy and I spent the day together, waking up at my house. Sandra and I talked for about one hour in the morning on the phone and again a minutes in the afternoon and again at the end of the night. I asked her to come to England tomorrow.

Monday July 15, 1996
En route to England
[L]

Amy and I had breakfast with Gammy. I dropped her off at her house and met Sandra at mine. We made up and made love. Making up, then she told me Kathy at work was her friend that had helped her get a place to stay.

Tuesday July 16, 1996
Newcastle
[L]

I called Amy, nice

Pretty nice day but we were just tired, we slept in each other’s arms on airport bench.

Wednesday July 17, 1996
Blanchfield
[L]

I called Amy in the morning my time and in the evening as well. In the evening she indicated to me that she and John Dugger were going to go to an American Himalayan Foundation event that night. I was jealous. Plus she also was taking his side in his objection that we do not send a letter to R. Blum of AHF. I felt jealous. I was also jealous of Sandra at the job site insofar as that I was still recovering from the latest news on the plane (old news) that when she was an escort she slept with like 20 men instead of the 3 she had told me as an estimate when she was in Melbourne/Sydney. We had a few minutes of hurt feelings over this but generally we got along well today and we had a good and exciting day.

Thursday July 18, 1996
Inverness
[L] [A]

I called Amy in the morning her time night and she seemed to be doing better. But she is sad. She asked me “how much longer is this going to go on?” She told me that Gam told her to fight for her Jeffrey, that she (Gam) would help (support) her. Amy is so dear. One on hand I would really like to give her what she wants. Bu then again I am (underscore) in love with Sandra. In the morning Sandra and I made love and then I photographed her. What a model she is!! Then, as I took photos of her, I could smell the sex on my penis, as I was naked and looking at her too excited me so I made love to her again. We took the train to Inverness. I do not want to face going home and facing the dilemma of her vs. Amy. I wish it did not have to be a dilemma or a “vs.” Meanwhile, all the other girls seem to be farther away from my immediate attention.

Friday July 19, 1996
Tongue, Scotland
[L] [A]

Today was a very tough day. Conversely it was a highly charged sexual day. Sandra and I made love twice in the car and the sex was delicious. In addition to Sandra being a fabulous lover, she is also very eager to make love seemingly all the time. Basically I felt like shit and was super-sensitive. When I get like this I act like a baby. But I was legitimately upset because last night Sandra said that when we get home we would not make love any more for a while and she will not live with me. So that was the basic problem. About 6 p.m. she said, ‘Pull over’ and she made love to me right on the road as cars went by. Again just at the northern tip of UK we made love again. It was glorious but other than that I felt terrible. We slept in an out of the way place called Tongue.

Saturday July 20, 1996
Ullapol, Scotland
[L]

Today was frustrating from a lovemaking standpoint, but largely because of outside forces namely sand flies and other flies. We tried to make love outside and got inundated by flies. All in all a good day and we felt much better today probably because we got a decent nights sleep last night.
Sunday July 21, 1996
London, England
[L]

Today was very romantic and fulfilling. I saw Ben Nevis, a short drive on Isle of Skye, saw Loch Ness, flew to London, timing worked out well, she is talking about marriage and babies today and yesterday. It is as if she is becoming aware of how much she loves me. I love kissing her. Her lovemaking is unsurpassed.

22 MON San Francisco
23 TUE San Francisco

24 WED Dallas
25 THU Dallas
26 FRI Vancouver
27 SAT Vancouver
28 SUN San Francisco
29 MON San Francisco
30 TUE San Francisco
31 WED Vancouver

August 1996
1 THU San Francisco

2 FRI San Francisco

3 SAT Vancouver

Sunday August 4, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

I called Nicole. Whenever I go see Sandra, Amy always fills my mind with negative things about her. (She is draining on our finances, she is a leech, etc.) Undoubtedly this interferes with my mind, but is this ultimately strengthening my relationship with Sandra?

Monday August 5, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Mei called me, I called Amber, Amber called me, of course Sandra many times.

Despite all the reasons why Amy could disown me, somehow and for whatever reason, she seems to stick by me pretty well; she cooks for me even when she is angry. I appreciate that steadfastness.

Tuesday August 6, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Amber called me; Haruka called me.

Amy blew up this evening which was unpleasant. In fact, between the two of them, they are driving me crazy. Sandra gets depressed and then suddenly her voice goes from “animated” to “discouraged.” I am so busy that the slightest thing throws me off. All in all though, some how I am managing. My personal finances are getting a little confusing these days though.

Wednesday August 7, 1996
en route to Frankfurt via Vancouver
[L]

Amber called me; Haruka called me.

I am glad to be gone if for no other reason than to simplify my life. It may not seem simpler but just not having to be ‘findable’ by telephone feels like a major relief. Of course I am excited by the prospect that I will be traveling to new places. By the prospect that I will attempt to climb a mountain, by being able to spend a block of time with one woman (as opposed to spreading myself so thin), etc. Amy was sort of a bitch today, but I can understand her feelings of being left out. I soon will land in Vancouver and hopefully pick up Sandra on my way to Frankfurt. I hope to make love to her on the plane. I am looking forward to the possibility to having Haruka at my house next month, and maybe seeing Mei. Actually when I heard Mei’s voice and pictured making love with her, a rush went through my body, and now I am feeling in love with her, hot for her again.

Thursday August 8, 1996
Breisach
[L]

The sex today was fabulous. It seems that sometimes when I don’t feel all that good, the sex makes up for it.

Friday August 9, 1996
Breisach
[L]

I called Amy morning, she was pretty nice; we exchanged I love yous. I am warming up again to be with Sandra and excited to spend time here, I am tired of letting myself get persuaded to feel guilty though I would wish Amy here.

Saturday August 10, 1996
London
[L]

The early morn runs are wonderful, something I have gotten away from (running at all, that is). Breisach is very pleasant, then to the modern worlds of the Stuttgart airport and London. Karl Jansky drove. London theatre was nice. Sandra and I are having a lot of nice sex.

Sunday August 11, 1996
London
[L]

I saw the Crown Jewels and I marvel at how much people care about stuff like that. They are beautiful, but they hardly seem worth fighting over. People fight over things, but they often ignore each other, their loved ones etc. It was a lazy day but I wanted it to be accomplished. Our late night search finally ended us at the 4 Seasons. Wonderful meal ending near midnight. These days
the jet lag is something awful .

Monday August 12, 1996
Cardiff
[L] [A]

In the morn we ate at a hotel that was supposed to be haunted. Last night Sandra had a dream about a ‘floating head trying to eat her fingers’, and at the hotel was a photo from long ago, and in one window was pasted a little picture of a man’s head - she said it looked (something ) like him. The room we stayed in had no ventilation at all and no opening windows, so I propped the door open. It had pull strings, etc., for elderly and handicapped people. I did not like the room. Dinner at Villa Dino’s was another laugh; the guy tried thrice to make a good cappuccino, still not found yet in the UK (and Sandra thought that San Francisco was hard to find one in).

Tuesday August 13, 1996
Newcastle
[L] [F]

Meeting was really good, exciting. Traveling with a lover like Sandra and a good friend like Karl is fun; then to mix good business makes it fulfilling. I dream of crossing Hungary, Romania then the Black Sea to Russia. I wonder if I will ever figure a way to take enough time to do things casually, to do them right/enjoyably.

Wednesday August 14, 1996
Newcastle
[L] [F]

There is a lot of pressure at the job site. In terms of my personal life, Sandra acts as my secretary at the site, and my lover in the bedroom. Amy is upset, and understandably. But the truth is that how I spend my time is because there is a shortage of it, and if I had the opportunity, I would love to spend time with Amy (and Nicole, Haruka, Mei, Michiyo) and make her happy.

Thursday August 15, 1996
Newcastle
[L]

These days have been so busy that I barely have time to consider writing let alone having a pondered philosophy regarding current affairs. The meals with Karl Jansky and Sandra are really nice, the company is good, when Sandra and I return to our room, the lovemaking is very good. Only I am too busy and stressed out. I do not think I would like to do this constantly, and I ask myself: what is this all for, anyway?

Friday August 16, 1996
London
[L]

Amy morning.

Just about now I am feeling very close to Sandra and further away from Amy. But I struggle with myself to maintain my loyalty to Amy in my heart, remembering that her personality is much more pleasant than her current state which is influenced by worry, despondency and jealousy.

Saturday 17, 1996
London
[L]

Amy, checked phone messages at home and Mei had called me.

She was complaining about how I was bringing Sandra around to all these exotic places and leaving her behind; she was unhappy, and I think hurting emotionally.

Sunday August 18, 1996
Vienna
[L]

She was bitchy this morning on the phone and I felt I had tried so hard to call her, so I told her of my dissatisfaction; she seemed to respond. Tonight I got a letter from D. Williams regarding my father’s attorney’s latest letter. It is one of my major worries.

Monday August 19, 1996
Vienna
[L]

Amy

Amy was very sad on the phone today, but her honesty was touching; for the first time in some time, I felt I could feel her love and her heart, and I felt more concerned for her.

Tuesday August 20, 1996
Vienna
[L]

Amy, Haruka

Today the call went better with Amy, she seemed more at peace and I cannot totally explain it. Correspondingly I felt closer to Amy (& a little further, though not to the same extent, with Sandra).

I also called Haruka, who seemed happy to hear from me.

21 WED St. Petersburg

Thursday August 22, 1996
St. Petersburg, Russia
[L] [A] [F]

Amy seemed very sweet and happy in our short conversation which was conferenced through our office. I spoke with the office about all the problems: Parsons, Dad and the fact that Rick is leaving. It was too hot in St. Pete today. It has been interesting to spend a couple of nights in a Russian village.

Friday August 23, 1996
Terskol, Russia
[L] [A]

I am pretty happy, though I have not been overly comfortable at George’s house in terms of amenities. Sandra and I slept in a small bed in the loft and had to climb down 2 flights of steps and go outside to the toilet. I am excited to be on the way to….

24 SAT Terskol

Sunday August 25, 1996
Terskol, Russia
[L] [A]

I feel like a let down sexually, not really sure why, but I am pretty sure that alcohol’s general tendency is to bring me down off that delightful edge.

26 MON Terskol

Tuesday August 27, 1996
Preyut Hut, Mount Elbrus, Russia
[L] [A]

The sex is unimaginably pleasurable between her and I; the high altitude, the fresh air, or is it the visual stimulation?

Wednesday August 28, 1996
Preyut Hut, Mount Elbrus, Russia
[L] [A]

en route to Mineral’nye Vody

Sandra is sleeping next to me. George is reading in the opposite seat one seat up to the right. We are on our was to Terskol to climb Mount Elbrus. At least George and I are planning on climbing; I doubt if Sandra will. I left home on the seventh of this month to come to Europe for business and to climb the mountain. Until a few days ago I did not know if George could come as well. Nasuh had mentioned that maybe George could come, and independently, Andy Broom from OTT Expeditions had told me (when I called about information about getting a special visa) that I might want to call George and he might be able to come with me. This was a few days ago in Vienna.

So I called George and straight-away he said it was best if we came to St. Petersburg and we would fly together. We got a hotel reservation and changed our visa to include St. Petersburg (then canceled our hotel reservation) and we flew there on Wednesday night. George brought us our to his summer house, a ramshackle foundation on which he has built a modest but comfortable apartment (above his parents). Sandra was surprised that she had to go out to the outhouse to defecate; she said she has never used a toilet like that before.

I am excited to be going to Terskol and the mountain. It is largely a function of acclimatization (and weather) to climb this mountain. My expectations are that the area will be dirty and have poor facilities, yet be overrun by climbers from many different nations.

Things have been going pretty well with Sandra. We actually get along pretty well, not really any serious arguments, and most of the day we are fairly happy with one another. I have pretty much ignored the other women in my life. Although not Amy. Now Amy seems to have cheered up, as I offered to take her to Korea next month on the 9th. I have to go there on business and then I want to go to Tokyo to see Haruka and to pick up the paper I bought for Jock. 75 boxes—that’s a lot.

Yesterday I heard that Rick quit. I feel badly about it, but not too badly. Mostly I am shocked that he did. I didn’t think that he would do so, but he got a pretty good job offer. I sometimes wonder how we are going to hold on to the business with all this growth, etc.

In the meantime, my Dad is, as usual, giving us a hard time about nearly everything he can think of. Our strategy has changed however. Donald Diamond has been given the job of general counsel, much to the dismay of Bill Horwich and Bill Abrams. He has taken a different viewpoint on the trade secrets and patents issues. Now it seems that Dad’s side is willing to go into mediation with Marc as the mediator. I think we should accept this offer.

I am focusing on finishing climbing this mountain and then Mount Vinson in Antarctica this December. After that I am hoping to turn my attention to general traveling for the coming year. Generally I am pretty happy, although I am not pleased that I have a bit of fat on my stomach, which I have never had. I worry about my grandmother, about her health and whether she is lonely or not. I worry about my father, about if he will destroy our business or not, and still in the back of my mind I am also concerned that he is not happy deep inside. I worry about Amy, about what I can do to satisfy her, to give her a child and yet not be bound in a traditional relationship. I worry about what will happen at the end of this trip. I worry that she will not be able to come to the States. I also worry that if she does, what will happen to my relationship with both Amy and Sandra?

I will note for the record that St. Petersburg had an abundance of beautiful women. I took particular note of three things: their eyes were very beautiful, they had beautiful skin and they appeared to have very beautiful and voluptuous breasts. It made me feel that I should spend more time in Russia.

I also think about Nicole. I have to contact her. And I would love to see Mei. When I think about her, I feel excited.

Thursday August 29, 1996
Terskol, Russia

Sex still really good although just a little let down from coming down.

Friday August 30, 1996
Bus en route to Border of Georgia
[L] [A]

Sandra got tremendously pissed off because she thought she saw me looking down the blouse of a twelve year old, just-pubescing girl’s blouse.

Saturday August 31, 1996
Vladivostov, Ossetian ASSR
[L] [A]

After the fight and the stress and the lack of exercise, when we finally got to the room in Vladivostov, it really was a wonderful, wonderful sexual experience. It is so perfect with Sandra; I love it when her pussy is not fresh but has all the womanly smell. I kissed her; it was luscious.

September 1996

1 SUN Moscow

2 MON Moscow

3 TUE Jerusalem

4 WED Jerusalem

5 THU Munich

6 FRI Munich

7 SAT Munich

8 SUN Newcastle

Monday September 9, 1996
en route to Seoul
[L] [A] [E] [S] [F]

Onboard JAL jet Heathrow to Osaka en route to Seoul 7:45 p.m.

I just left Sandra. Almost to my surprise I felt sort of like a physical pain, but then again it isn’t pain, just the realization of how much I am going to miss her. It’s not like it’s because I need her in the sense of desperateness, it is just because I just plain love her. I love just about everything about her. I love her face, I love her body, I love her hair, her personality, her attitudes, her tastes, her lovemaking, her ability to be down-to-earth, her sense of humor (almost most of all), her laugh, her smile, her soft, soft hands and feet and skin, her clear complexion, her lips, her vagina, her ass, her legs, her touch, her underarms, her choice of foods, the way she gets angry, the way she expresses joy, the way she makes fun of me, or protests, or refuses, the way she accepts my anger and doesn’t react, like she doesn’t change what she is doing, but she seems to acknowledge my feelings. She doesn’t get all bent out of shape and swing to the other extreme just to please me. But then again in another sense she is pliable insofar as that she will get something for me. But she won’t suffer being spoken down to. The way she accepts her past. The way she has been willing to be adventurous and leave behind her home. All in all she is a pretty good sport. On one hand she is spoiled and on the other she seems to be able to endure a lot without too much complaining. She won’t deny herself something, and she won’t pretend she wants less. She will speak up and ask for what she wants, but then again she seems pretty well-behaved when she doesn’t get her way.

Sometimes she will ‘fly off the handle’, she will get really mad when maybe she shouldn’t. But that is part of being human—not being perfect.

But I just love her. This is really weird. I don’t feel any pain. I just feel happiness when we are together. I feel really happy. I mean: it is so free-flowing. My experience indicates that love is so powerful: when it leaves, you can feel it, it hurts really bad. When it surrounds you, when a woman really loves you, it fills you with confidence, you feel as if nothing can touch you. But I know better. I know that that feeling of security can suddenly turn into pain if that sustaining love is removed. So I wonder if this means that she really loves me. I mean: a lot. Because it feels so good. She really gives her heart. She makes love great, she kisses fabulously. I am just plain madly in love with her.
[!!!]

There are some extenuating circumstances with Sandra that make this relationship different. The main thing is how I met her: she was a call girl on call for me. I fell in love with her immediately and this continues to this day. I don’t know what it is, if it is because I have spent too many years worrying about if a girlfriend has been faithful or not, or if it is simply because I guess it doesn’t really matter with Sandra since she had the past she had, but I feel that even if she ‘cheated’ on me, it wouldn’t really hurt me. It would be more like: it is just a confirmation that she is a whore (not meant in a bad way). I don’t mean this negatively, really, it is just that it is how I met her and how I accept her. I do not like it, but after all, I do not feel it would be a reflection on me. If anything, I feel it would be something she would have to deal with. I get the impression that she does not want me to view her in that way, so if I she did play around, it would only mean I could not view her as a faithful woman. Maybe I am not explaining this well enough.

The general feeling is a positive one. It is a feeling that I do not have to worry. Is this because I don’t have anything to worry about or is it because I have a new insight or view into the situation? I just feel that if Sandra plays around on me, it does not change anything. I cannot help that I love her so much. I am just completely enamored of her. It does not feel as if I am with her because it boosts my ego to be with her. It feels as if ego has nothing to do with it. It feels much more as if I just enjoy being with her so much that I feel lucky just to be with her. I love her company, and I want more of it. I just want to be around her because I find it pleasurable. It doesn’t feel necessary to ‘own’ her, not like that. So it is a very free-ing feeling. And if it all fell down tomorrow, I feel that I might just feel sort of like it was a wonderful experience, I was glad I had it, and after all, I should not expect more from her, since I had no reason ever to expect her to be faithful, or to be even honest.

With all that said, it is not to be misconstrued that I would take it lightly if I found out something like that. Nor that it wouldn’t hurt or bruise my ego. It is just that I don’t think I would be too devastated, because I don’t think I ever over-valued the thought of her fidelity too much anyway. And that was not really the spirit with which I fell in love with her anyway.

Meanwhile, I am missing her. I love our relationship. I love our constant challenging of each other of just practically everything we do. We are constantly teasing each other, questioning each other, interrogating each other, probing, laughing at, and etc. each other, as well as laughing, kissing, loving etc.

Meanwhile even further, I am feeling my ‘obligation’ to my other endeavors. That means that I do have a lot of other facets of my life, particularly speaking now of other women, which I have initiated relationships with whom I must consider what to do. For example, Amy, majorly, then Haruka, Nicole, Mei, Laura, and Michiyo. Oh, and, but I don’t know if this relationship is still alive or not, Amber. I love all of them in a different way. I have been thinking a lot about Nicole lately. Does that mean she has stopped thinking about me? Or the opposite? Or does it simply mean that I sense that unless I call her soon, I will lose her love? I do not know the answer, I am only thinking that I want to call her, and I would like to see her, and I would like to make love to her. She reminds me of Sandra. Only Sandra is younger (21 vs. 24), and Sandra has firm breasts and is fresher, and not so soppy, although, Nicole, I do not really mind your soppiness. And also, I have been hankering to see Mei as well. I want to feel her big breasts, to really fuck her passionately. Mei is a woman that I have loved but seldom has it been to my satisfaction, but when it has been, it has been great, really great.

So, although I love Sandra completely, I still have the capacity to love other women.

I feel unsettled about Amy. I do not know how I feel. Certainly I still love her and I love her a lot, but I guess I sense that I don’t know exactly how to handle the situation. She may leave me soon if I do not make a commitment to her. And yet if I make a commitment to her, how would this affect my relationship with Sandra? Certainly it would jeopardize it. And on the other hand, if I do not help Amy and support her, if I do not help her to have a child, there also seems to be an emptiness on that score too. I think Sandra would never understand this. No. I know she would never understand this. Yet I love Sandra so much.

And even beyond all this, I am always cognizant that there is an endless legion of beautiful women, beautiful both inside and out, which walk the byroads of life. I know that each woman may hold secrets and charms that have unimaginable beauty. I know that I could dwell there happily. Love then, as a subject, no longer seems a dangerous and unhappy place as it seemed when in earlier times I viewed it as a place where only one woman could fulfill it. How unhappy that seemed and was. No, this way of experiencing life is much better, and much closer to the truth, to reality, and I believe to Nature, the following of which can protect one from unnecessary sadness.
[!!!]

An hour or two later….now I will be entering a new phase of my life. I wanted so much to have at least one month with Sandra in Europe. In many ways, it was the best month of my life. I loved being with her, and I seek to be with her again. But I do feel some deep satisfaction that I was able to be with her for that time in that place.

I have climbed six of the Seven Summits. In December, I will hopefully go to Antarctica to climb Mount Vinson. I have been considering if it would be possible to raise money through this effort by sponsoring flag carrying of different companies or what-not to the top of Vinson. So far I have been extremely lucky to climb each of these summits on the first attempt. I hope that I will be able to finish the Seven Summits in the same way.

I am planning on seeing Amy in Seoul. Of course I am looking forward to seeing her, but I am a bit worried that Sandra will call my hotel room and Amy will answer and that will be that. Sandra, I think, would practically disown me. I hope that does not happen. What I would really like is to see all my girls in the next couple of weeks. I would like to maintain relationships with them. This is one really great thing about Amy: is that she has tolerated my multiple relationships. This is something that Sandra has not shown a capacity for. But is this quality in Amy enough to overrule the delight of being with Sandra? I love being with Sandra so much that I feel I could easily be with her individually and indefinitely.

Nevertheless, the plan is to see Amy, and to stay in Seoul (or generally in Korea) until Sunday, at which time I would plan to take Amy to Tokyo. I’d like to have Amy see Tokyo; I think it might be kind of fulfilling for her. What I would like to do is to stay on in Tokyo to see Haruka for a few days and then to go see Mei (and maybe Laura). But Sandra will want to know my phone number and then she would be really upset if she knew I was in Tokyo for a few days. I don’t know how I would handle this. And Amy as well would be upset if she knew that I was not coming home with her. Maybe I can go home with Amy and then continue back to China on my way back to Europe. I cannot be in two places at once, but it would help if I could.
[!!!]

If I am lucky enough to climb Vinson and come back out into the world at large, I will have completed a long-standing goal. In more ways than one. Since it will also involve a general accomplishment in the area of adventure and travel. So then it will be a question of how to proceed next. I have a few ideas. One is to continue exploring the world at an accelerated rate. There are a lot of places I would like to go. There is another field in which I would like to endeavor. That is music. I wonder if I could do it. Sometimes when I think of my ability to write music, I feel, however inaccurately, that I could write the absolutely most wonderful modern music. Like a genius or something. Is this ridiculous? Perhaps it is, but I still feel it, though only rarely. Most of the time I am in surface thoughts and those thoughts involve lack of confidence and lack of recognition of any serious ability.

But once in awhile I do have some sort of vision about it. And I wonder what I could accomplish. I sometimes feel that all the background I have in the workings of the world and working with people (and music) might help me to succeed, regardless of how “hard” it is.

There is a lot to do, and yet there should not really be anything to do.

That is, I also recognize in the back of my mind that the way I do things should supersede what I do. And this is a problem. For example, I let myself get all excited when things don’t go my way. I guess that is natural. But there are so many implications to reacting that way. It means that I have not reached true enlightenment and I am still enslaved by the corporal ways of the world.

I am probably too often self-satisfied.

I could also devote myself building my health and building my body—getting it back in order. It’s not that I am really that out of shape relative to others, but it is that everything is relative. And I could be in much, much better shape.

And then there is another thought. That is to love really beautiful women. What I mean is to love women that by any standard would be considered the most beautiful women in the world. I am also not sure how I would find them.

And of course there is the other obvious one. To photograph and really transcend my former work and ‘self-actualize.’

Part of my thinking is that I should also incorporate into my future something like Montalivet. That is, the nudist colony that Jock photographs at. He mentioned in his note “this paradise.” Indeed there are obvious aspects of paradise there. It epitomizes everything that I would like to be around: gorgeous naked nymphs.

And brings us to other related subjects. For example, is the dream of having ten or twenty women all loving me freely a possibility? Oh, any ‘achievements’ I could make of this sort would be relatively mild compared to what certain kings and princes have enjoyed and lived by in the past. But still it would be most enjoyable. (So would living simply with Sandra.)

I have some flowing thoughts now as I am only half-concentrating on this writing as I am watching a movie on the plane, some inane but enjoyable flick about antics at a hotel. Thoughts are, if I am going to do music, I should buy the absolute best instruments, such as an amazingly good electric guitar and amp. It would be so much fun to perform on this.

So, as you can see, there is a conundrum of things to consider. And exploring the wilds of Borneo. (Which reminds me that I am trying to buy a stone ax from New Guinea from a gallery in Munich.)

Other: for example, I would like to get this computer souped-up to amazing proportions. That would be to have the database at work on it, as well as AutoCad and some drawing programs. Then, I was just thinking I could put Performer on it, and why not carry around a super-lightweight synthesizer which could be listened through on headphones. It is not that all this stuff is not available, it is that sourcing it is such a problem. Enters my new executive assistant.

I wonder if Doug and Kathy would go along with me adding a recording company to ATS’ ventures. They might think it is insane at first. Or I could just try to do it on my own.

Boy am I going around in circles!

What else, while I am at it? I would like to make up with my father.

Also there is something which is really bothering me, and that is that I wish my grandmother had a much better place to stay. I kick myself for not doing better by her. I think she needs more stimulation by younger people and friendlier more benign surroundings. And family around. But I am always traveling. My grandmother has been the best friend anyone could ever, ever want to have.

I’d like to finish my roof deck, but that is such a transitory item (although I have not concluded that transitory things do not also lead to important, greater things). Or buy and build the property in Point Richmond.

[“Have Fun Go Mad” by Blair was just playing on the screen. I really like that song.]

There are so many things to think about, but still I always get the feeling I am missing out on a lot. If I just look at my day-to-day living, there is a lot that is not really completely satisfactory. I miss Sandra. I would like not to travel so much in a way, or at least to do so in a smoother way.

Tuesday September 10, 1996
Seoul
[L] [A] [S]

almost to Osaka en route to Seoul

Now that I have had a chance to decompress on the plane a little, I am feeling more ‘missing’ of Sandra, not that I wasn’t before, but it is that the hours have passed and my hormones have realized her absence (for one thing).

A lot has happened and I have not had much of a chance to write about it. My independence is the lifeblood of my interesting and vibrant and varied experiences. The reality of it is that when I am with Sandra, I do have to watch what I do. I mean, I am afraid to write out what is really happening in my mind lest she see it. And this then is one drawback, because it means I cannot completely be myself. I wonder at this, for if I feel this way, I wonder if she does too, then I wonder what it is that she is not showing of herself. Love is such a reciprocal relationship.

For one thing, I could not write about what happened the night on the bus from Terskol to the border. With Christina. Not much happened, actually. Actually, in this Nazi (a word I’m using to denote the inflexible and intrusive aspects of the governmental bureaucratic and quasi-religious state of the human world I cope within) world that I live in, I am quite considering if I need be afraid to record it in the journal here, in my private world. I have written almost nothing, if anything at all, about my trip to Russia, not that it was particularly eventful. (I hate these business class seats, really, the armrests are so confining.) I was in Vienna with Sandra, trying to work out the logistics of going from Vienna to Budapest to Bucharest to Sochi (or better yet Crimea, Ukraine), Russia. But then I called OTT Expeditions to inquire about the situation in Terskol, and Andy Broom suggested that I call George Kotov in St. Petersburg, because he had that very day returned from the Pamirs and might be available to go with me, or at the least be of assistance in some way Russian. George immediately, to his credit, said it was best if I came to St. Petersburg and we would go together to the mountain. Which Sandra and I did: go to St. Pete. I did not really think much of St. Pete, but the one thing that really struck me was the women. I decided a day into the trip in Russia that probably Russian women by any standard are the most beautiful women in the world, and that particularly, those in St. Petersburg were the best. Wow, they were gorgeous. They had decidedly fabulous complexions, and enormously beautiful eyes. I was taken by the fact that they had big breasts, despite the fact that generally the size is not important to me (the beauty of shape and firmness, of quality is).

We spent two nights at his ‘dacha’ an hour away from the city center with his wife and son and young daughter. The girls in the village were decidedly gorgeous. The Russian children look like they are from a different race, they are so beautiful and the adults are so dumpy-looking (here I refer with this word dumpy the rather overweight mothers and grandmothers). I secretly wanted to make love to his sister’s daughter, who I found peering out of the window and encountered on the way to or from the outhouse, their only toilet. It was a poor village. The word ‘dacha’ evokes a sense of richness, but this was a poor house, although he’d done a nice job of the interior upstairs where his family spent the summer. His mother lived downstairs, with his sister. His father is dead.

We arrived late on a Wednesday night, and we left by plane on Friday afternoon. We immediately caught a bus on which we were basically the only passengers, and we went on to Terskol at night, drinking beer and eating the most delicious piroshkis I ever ate. We went through four checkpoints which never checked us and we arrived near midnight at the Wolfram Hotel at the foot of the mountain. It was a good thing that we did not stay where OTT’s Andy had suggested (the Green Roofed Dacha). It was too far from the tram lift.

We got our separate rooms and Sandra and I tried to get a good sleep in vain. I think in retrospect it was the altitude. The next day we took the tram to the bottom of the chair lift and walked to the top of the chairlift since the chairlift was out of order, arriving at 3900 m (meters). When we descended, we found the most delicious lamb kebob at the bottom of the tram, and I felt it was a grand feast, sitting partially in shade and partially in sun under the bough of a swaying pine, ripping away at the tender meat on the bone. The food at the hotel wasn’t very good (until the last two days).

The second day we repeated this exercise, only we took a ‘rat track’ (snow cat) to Preyut Hut at 4200 m, where Sandra waited for George and I as we walked to the bottom of Pastohov Rocks (at 4750 m). We made it there in an hour an fifteen minutes ans descended in a short time, retracing our steps only to find that there was no good kebob left, to my dismay.

The next day, Monday, we decided to wait for Nasuh and to buy, amongst other things, some good instant coffee, Nescafe, as opposed to the absolutely horrible Café Pele that was being sold most places. Terskol is really beautiful, outside of the human intervention in the environment. The day was gray and windy. We found Nescafe some miles (car ride) down the road.

On Tuesday, Nasuh never showed, so we went, at noon, to Preyut Hut, arriving at about 2:30 p.m. I wanted to climb that night but for various reasons, we did not. First of all, George felt the weather was too shitty, and he thought it was better for me to acclimatize there another night, so when he woke up and I did not, at 3:30 a.m., he went back to sleep and did not wake me up. My alarm only sounds for the first minute and I did not hear it.

Sandra and I had really good sex on the mountain, I mean really intense and exciting. I was motivated by the vision of the woman who boarded the tram. We all noticed her legs, she looked like a gymnast. She wore white shorts with lace borders (very sexy) and she had a baby (and her mother) with her. She was kind of rough around the edges—for example she had facial hair (white) above her lips and she did not have a clear complexion, but her legs were just so sexy, it aroused me. George suggested she not take the baby on the tram but she did anyway. While Sandra chatted with me, the woman positioned herself with her ass next to my hand, so I reached up and gently touched the cleft formed where her leg met her ass (which protruded from underneath her shorts. Later, when Sandra and I were in bed, when I thought about her, I became very, very aroused and really enjoyed the sex. It is common for me to think of this sort of stuff when I make love, so it is no slight on Sandra. It is still Sandra I was making love to.

In the night, Sandra got up and threw up and kept me up. That’s one of the reasons I did not wake up. The next day, Wednesday, I felt disappointed and watched each downturn in the weather with dismay, feeling maybe we had missed the only summit day in weeks. (Some guys George had spoken to whom had left the mountain did so without climbing, since the weather was so bad.)

But I managed to wake up at 3:30 a.m. on Thursday (good thing because I am not sure George would have) and we climbed the mountain beginning at 4:30. George told me later that Reinhold Messner said that a sign of the good mountain climber was that he would change what he was wearing more than another mountain climber. I paid for not being warm enough on the way up. By the time we got to Pastohov Rocks I was chilled. I put on more clothes there, but still not enough, and when we got to the base of the final wall, I was further depleted of energy. There I put on my down suit, but then it was too much, and I sweated. The summit day is about 1500 m, or 5000 feet, which makes for a long day. Apparently, Elbrus claims more lives than Mount Everest; it seems this because it appears relatively easy, and thus it attracts amateurs, particularly unprepared ones. George’s mountaineering rescue friend said that in twenty years since he’d been working, Elbrus had claimed 500 lives. That’s an awful lot. This was the first year that they had put up directional poles. I could see why it would be so dangerous without them, for the entire climb, we were enveloped in fog. It would be really easy to lose your direction. In fact, two days before we climbed a group of Japanese climbers spent the night out quite near Preyut Hut after climbing, because they could not find their way.

At the base of the final slope, after a four thousand foot gaining hike, we found the fellow we’d seen before at Pastohov and his girlfriend, huddled in the swirling snow. George and I took off up a 45 degree slope. After about 70 m I stopped him. I had never actually been on a slope like this. He must have been surprised at my hesitation, but I explained later that one of the reasons I stopped him was that I was not sure what the conditions were like above: could they be more icy or could they be steeper? He fell on his ice ax and self-arrested, showing me that it was no problem. Even the slope we were on gave me the willies. I could not see very far in either direction (up or down), but every once in a while the snow cleared and I could see that if I fell, it made me wonder if I could stop myself. It got a little steeper still, but my crampons held. George told me later that he had never been in such good conditions in this slope. He also said later that in the winter, when this slope is icy, it is extreme climbing. It is about a 1000’ elevation gain (about 300 m). When we finally got to the top of the crest, I was planting my ice ax in with both hands like a central cane in front of me, driving it deeply into the snow for security. It was windy there and I could not see too much. George said to me, in his decidedly pleasant matter of fact way of putting things, “I can tell you one thing, Jeff, this is not the summit, the summit is about half hour away down there, it’s up to you if you want to go or not, it’s five meters higher.” I was really thankful for his honesty, for otherwise, I would never know based on what I was seeing. Clearly there was nothing to do but to go to the true summit. I don’t think it took much more than ten minutes and we crested a small hillock. The time was 10:39 a.m. The visibility was practically nil. Summit of Elbrus in the summer.

We spent till 11 taking photographs. He brought out his hedgehog (actually Irena’s, his wife’s, hedgehog and formerly Marsha’s, his daughter’s) which had previously been to the top of Everest. George has climbed Elbrus about 15 times, but never gotten a photograph of the hedgehog. I took out my flag “Seven Summits for a Free Tibet.” I had him take a lot of pictures with two cameras. I hope they come out. I asked him to pose with it too.

The way down was a little scary too. He told me to keep my legs apart (not so close to allow for tripping one over the other) and to take medium size steps. My crampons held fine, but not as well as George’s. Towards the bottom, George, who had been waiting for me periodically, went a little ahead, and I stopped a moment, breathing rapidly, and feeling cold. At the bottom of the slope I took a drink (I’d left my water bottle). My clothes were wet under my suit from sweat, and the wind chilled me.

On the way back, George stressed that we should hurry so as to not get lost. I noticed that the elevation at top as recorded by my altimeter watch had risen about 30 meters, indicating a pressure drop. I was concerned bad weather might move in. But it held. The only problem was that, in the rushing, I began to feel completely wasted, like it was difficult to breathe. It reminded me of summit day on Everest, but different. Like I really could not breathe. I imagined I was experiencing pulmonary edema.

I told George I couldn’t breathe and he told me to go slowly. It was very uncomfortable and I could not place what was happening, only that it seemed difficult to get air. I decided to fight my urge to sit down and plodded steadily along down the mountain. I could see the turn (the poles) towards Pastohov Rocks, then it seemed to take such a long time going down to them, even longer than going up! I expected that the symptoms would subside when I descended. They seemed to a little, but nearing Preyut Hut I tripped over my own shoes (my crampons caught) and the effort to stabilize myself caused me to hyperventilate. It was terrible. It seemed kind of ridiculous. George had been teasing me about the kebobs at the bottom of the mountain. I imagined he was surprised to see me reeling over such a small thing (at 4300 m). Sandra waited outside the upper door of Preyut. I was touched.

As we neared, I thanked George, and I imagined that he went off to the bottom door in order to let Sandra and I greet each other (as he was ahead of me). I appreciated this gesture. The last ten feet up to the door were incredibly hard to muster. I was suffocating. I gave her a peremptory hug and then told her to help me off with my suit top. “Get me something cold to drink, like orange juice.” “Get me something hot to drink like tea.” “Help me by bringing my stuff to my room.” I maintained myself long enough to get to my room. George was acting as if I was O.K. I had to ask him and Sandra to help undo my boots. As soon as I got naked under the sleeping bag, I started to recover. Later I realized that probably what happened was simple: I was getting hypothermic. The wetness of my clothes underneath the down suit was freezing me! I had told George: “I feel like I’m going to die.” The guy we met at the base of the top of the mountain came in and I motioned for him to leave. George told me that the guy was a doctor, and could help, and we called him back. But just as he told me to take some pills which I did not want to take, I started to feel better.

George, Sandra and I talked for few minutes, then George left Sandra and I alone for awhile. She gave me tea a little at a time. Not long after George returned and said if we were going to go down, we should go soon. He surmised we would have to walk because the ‘rat track’ would not operate anymore that day. He gave me eleven minutes to decide to get ready or not. I was amazed that in so short a time, from the time I’d arrived back at the hut (1:15 p.m.) until now (about 2:30 p.m.), that I felt so much better. Sandra and I figured out what clothes we could wear that were still dry. The clothes that I had worn were sopping wet from sweat. No wonder I was feeling so unbelievably shattered. I guessed that what had happened is that my core temperature had begun to drop. For quite awhile after I had gotten back to the room, I felt as if could not breathe, and I was taking rapid, shallow breaths. When I told George I thought I was going to die, he seemed unworried, and he told me to try to relax. It took a great deal of effort to breathe normally, and it felt very uncomfortable to do so, as my body felt like it was suffocating, but it did help (concurrent with the taking off of the wet clothes). Because now, dressed in dry clothes, scarcely an hour later, I felt fine, I felt quite certain it had not been simply a matter of altitude sickness. The drop in altitude had not really relieved the symptoms, although slightly, but the change of clothes had. Later, I wondered if this phenomena might be the cause of death high up on high mountains. That is, I wondered if what is normally attributed to be death from i) getting lost, or ii) altitude sickness, or iii) exhaustion is that the gear someone is wearing is actually too much at a particular time and that once they sweat enough without release of the moisture, the moisture kills them as it freezes next to their skin, or kills them as it serves to cool them to death through continual heat loss.

The three of us took a fifty-minute walk down to the chair lift. I was amazed that I felt so good, I felt like I could go back up the mountain. I felt completely normal. Sandra lagged a little behind usually, but she kept up for the most part, even though she only had tennis shoes to walk on the snow. The glasses I lent her kept falling off her nose, and a few times when we went down a steep grade, she fell on her butt. We were a pretty cheerful bunch. Typically, when I am with Sandra and a friend, the teasing is non-stop, which is merely an extension of how Sandra and I are when we are just the two of us together.

On the tram ride down I had a beer with George. In between the two trams, a couple of women wanted their pictures taken with us. I felt one of them liked me, despite the fact she was with her boyfriend. She stood close, I put my arm around her; I think she liked it. I know I did. I was somewhat fascinated by her beautiful eyes. I don’t know why they wanted their photographs with us in them, but I guess it was because we ‘looked like mountain climbers’, with our packs, our ice axes, etc. and maybe part of it was because I was American. Sandra thought to tell them, and I thought it was a good idea, that we had both summited Everest. That would have been nice for them to know, but George was too modest to tell them.

Again the search for the perfect kebob failed. We had to walk back, but we eventually got a ride. We were all joking about what a great lift it was, and in fact, though we were joking because we were in the back of a big truck bed, it was in fact quite wonderful. The day was sunny and breezy, the mountains green white brown and spectacular.

When we arrived back at the Wolfram, George made arrangements for a car tomorrow, and then the mountain rescue friend that arranged it joined us for coffee. First it was just Sandra, George and I, then this friend came in from outside, then his friend, etc. George’s friend seemed a kind man. He kept saying how beautiful Sandra was. But another of the group who sat next to Sandra was looking at her in long looming glances which I thought were impolite. They all stood up and toasted to her, which George again explained was local custom (for the second toast to be to the women at the table, a respect).

This same sort of situation had occurred the night before we went to Preyut to sleep. George had had dinner with another friend of his. He came back partly drunk, but I had not noticed it. He more or less was convincing for us to go to “the pub” with him and his friend. When we got there, I went to the bar to get some drinks with George. Some new fellow, as I could see from across the room, immediately came to the table and sat down with bottles. I thought he was honing in on Sandra. I came back and later they toasted to Sandra. This same fellow was standing beside Sandra and with a flaring gesture of a sweep of his arms pronounced his invitation to her to dance. Then he was reprimanded by the first friend (who I saw swallow a 4 oz glass of vodka whole and put it down for more) in Russian (or local language) for not asking my permission. Whereupon George asked me on this fellow’s behalf. I did not want to be rude, which would have been equivalent to being frank. I looked to Sandra and guessed that she would refuse in any event, then left it to her, and she did refuse. I explained she would not even dance with me, though I do not know that to be true. Then George said in his very charming way, Sandra, ‘at least you would dance with me.’ ‘Jeff, do you mind if I dance with Sandra?’ Again I effected a similar tactic and she did not dance, though I think George was a little hurt. I was not, to say the least, enjoying myself. We excused ourselves to make a phone call at the post office. Then this ‘gallant fellow’ stood up to accompany us. This was too much. I had to be firm. Sandra and I made our escape. George was hung over the next day.

Russia by this time was interesting. All the poorly kept houses, the check points, the lack of things. I had made the mistake of toasting in a heartfelt way to “my new Russian friends,” and George corrected me. They were not Russian. They were something like “Caprodicia-Balkarian.” One guy was from Moldavia. Again, it was another lesson: the diversity of ethnicities within political entities never ceases to amaze me. I always, or nearly always, associate it with human hurt, misery, sadness, pain and longing. How do you think it feels to be overruled by non-kin? It is not enough simply to take over people’s lands. You then must tax them and enforce it with guns. What nonsense. And what a pity. The idea of sovereignty is shameful.
[!!!]

That night Sandra and I continued with our good lovemaking. Wow, do I love this girl!

The next day we were up early and got a ride from the arranged local. Continuation of Russia. The gas station was out of gas. He got some from a transportation depot. We eventually stopped at a local restaurant for breakfast. The driver arbitrarily parked his car at an angle just behind someone else’s, way back in the mud parking lot, with no thought as to the safety of our bags (i.e. rather than parking close to the window). The checkpoint into Mineral’nye Vody was a mad house. The exhaust was sickening as scores of big trucks poured their fumes out of exhaust pipes located strategically at the side and bottom of their trucks so that it poured into open car windows. I see this in many countries. The pollution is bad enough without adding the insult of not putting it out in overhead stacks.

Once in Mineral’nye Vody, the three of us waited all day (from noon on) together. George waited for his evening plane to St. Pete, and Sandra and I waited for the bus for T’bilisi to leave. George left before us. But not before we had enjoyed some of the best meat ever, called kebob, but actually like pork and lamb cutlets, at an outside table in the grass. Sandra and George fed the stray dogs. The drivers of our bus feasted and called me to their table and I had to drink vodka, which I hate, even though I am really good at refusing unwanted alcohol usually.

On the bus was an Armenian woman and her daughter, Christina. First Sandra pointed the girl out to me, but I had probably noticed anyway. She looked, as many of the children do, very adult for her age. In Christina’s case, she looked remarkable for a girl of twelve. Her face was like a twenty-five year old, not in a funny, but in a beautiful way. She had on a short skirt, and when the wind came up, I saw her white panties once. She looked at me too. She was curious.

Undoubtedly I am at great debate with society on this point. I do not claim to be ‘right’ in my opinion, but what frightens me are people who are so sure about their morality. The question is, when is a girl old enough to make love? (By the way, I did not make love with her.) On its face, I think these sorts of questions are ridiculous. Because after all, if I felt attraction to her, why should this be a moral question? It is a question of nature. Basically, I do not have an answer to the above question, but if I was to give what I would see as a middle of the road answer, it would be that a girl is old enough to make love when she reaches puberty.
[Casey: I think I should leave in gray above because it is interesting. Comments?]

In Christina’s case, she was probably just entering puberty. I thought she was beautiful. I was repulsed by the mother, on the other hand. After waiting for many hours, and some minutes after George went to board his plane (amidst our heartfelt good wishes, and after a tentative plan to go to Lake Baykal next July) I took a few snapshots of Christina and some men who were also waiting for the bus to leave. I decided to get out my 8 x 10 camera, and I had a go of photographing the people there. Later, I concentrated on Christina. We got her address, or rather her aunt’s address, but while she was from Yerevan, her aunt lived in Stavropol. There was no question I was in love with Christina and I wanted to make love to her. She leaned over me when I was going over the map or her address, and I twice or three times tried to cast a glance in her dress top at her chest to see if she was budding breasts. With Sandra near, I felt the risk, but I had no idea she had seen me. A bit later I went into the bus and Sandra, now in the dark, said out loud, though presumably no one could hear, “You perverted bastard.” I was quite taken aback as she began verbally thrashing me for what she saw as a complete breech of human dignity. On the face of it, I thought it was an overreaction, but after I had more time to ponder it, I analogized that if she looked up a twelve year old boy’s shorts to see what was there out of curiosity, I would be more apt to have the reaction of thinking the curiosity was lovely rather than offensive.
[Casey: recommend to leave, edit or remove gray above?]

The bus left at about 10 p.m. At this point, I felt completely attacked and under surveillance, and I had hoped secretly earlier to be able to at least touch her. It was uncanny how the seat that she took was one up and one over from me. As we started the journey, she laid down exposing her panties. I cast glances there. I wriggled off my socks, for I could not feel anything through them, and I put my day pack on the ground and put my feet up on it. When the bus went into shadow, for the moonlight was strong, I worked my toe up to her crotch and tried to convince myself that a foot was like a hand, and that I had to make due with my opportunity. I placed my toe on her crotch and felt the softness. But the whole time I could not tell who was looking at me from behind, and I was afraid someone would see and comment. I tried to be in an attitude that I could have innocently placed it there while I was sleeping, because I was using the back of her seat as a support to keep me in mind [???] while the bus jerked. I felt around for a while, but minimally and erratically. Later, she changed positions so that she was laying on her back and she had her legs up on a suitcase. It was a perfect opportunity. My toes went to the soft skin on her upper inner thighs, first to one side and then the next, working their way to the soft cleft. I felt her hand, which was poised over the area, she shifted, but did not really move. My toe went against her crotch. I pushed, then pushed a little harder still, till I could feel her bone, the one forming the top/outside of her vagina. I pushed into the softness. At one point, I felt a connection between my sexuality and hers. I was never excited throughout all this, but at this one moment, I felt the beginnings of it. Later when the bus stopped, she did not pay any attention to me. It seemed once she looked at me, a little bewildered, as if she had been sleeping, but had felt something, or her body had a remembrance of it, something new, perhaps, but then I wondered whether being touched was really new to her. She had a sexuality about her, but then a girlishness as well. When we had been in the parking lot, one of the heavy passengers was talking to her, as he sat in his car, she was at the open door, her mother looking on from a distance of fifteen meters. I felt something then, as if he was also cognizant of her sex. After the first round of a couple of hours, when we had stopped, she later changed her position so that I could not get close. I fell asleep. Near dawn, I touched her slightly with my toes again slightly. When morning came, I could no longer do any such thing.

When the bus left earlier that night, when Christina looked back at me (and Sandra), I could sense that she sensed, although did not understand, what was going on between Sandra and I. At first, she had been very friendly and open, even seeming very interested in talking with Sandra, but later, the mood changed completely. I felt as if she knew, but again did not understand, that Sandra was no longer her friend.
[Casey: recommend to leave, edit or remove gray above?]

In the morning, Sandra and I began a dialogue of position in which we would not admit, save from the fact that our participation in the verbal argument was statement enough, that we wanted to make up. We hardly talked, as the bus wound its way amongst quite beautiful mountains (the Caucasus).

When we got to the border, they checked our passports and asked us to leave the bus. I had thought that we had previously passed the checkpoints at the border long ago and had deluded myself into bewilderment at how ‘lax’ the border patrol was. I thought we were descending to T’bilisi and imagined we were already in Georgia. Later when the military escorted us back, I realized how far off my perceptions had been. Actually, we had been steadily ascending to the checkpoint. More later entry…

Wednesday September 11, 1996
Seoul
[L]

Seoul Korea going to Samsung meeting …

Amy is with me now. Actually she is back at the hotel. I do not find my ruminating about things in my journal nearly as interesting as actual conversations, such as the one we had late last night. It was a bit painful in a way, but in another way, I think it did Amy good to talk, as if therapeutic just to get things off her chest. I have very mixed feelings about her. On one hand, I don’t find her very comparatively attractive vs. Sandra, but on the other, she has some sort of charm, winning in the way that small furry animals are; they may not be beautiful, but the endear themselves through some sort of indefinable personal power. If that sounds bad, then I should say that it is not meant to be.

We are riding, Mr. Moon the boss driving, Mr. Song in the passenger shotgun seat, and Mr. Choy to my left, to Samsung for a meeting. I feel like a performer. Oh, yes, last night’s conversation. I wish I had this sort of conversation written down verbatim. Only if it is recorded, then I think that it introduces a sort of acting, and therefore can only be pure if you are not aware it is being recorded. During such conversations, about relationships and about life, I feel that once in awhile, I say some things which are pretty interesting, usually which wouldn’t come out if I was trying, and usually which get lost in the myriad of other things said.

I think of Sandra and I miss her, and I feel a bit jealous on one hand and feeling that she may have a liaison with someone else and temporarily or permanently lose interest in me or forget me, but on the other hand it doesn’t bother me too much. Mostly I miss her and three weeks seems like a terribly long time. But then again, I can imagine that to Amy it might well be a distasteful shock to find me leaving again so soon. One that might bring on unhappiness and resumed feelings of abandonment.

When Amy said goodbye to me at the door today, I felt that glimmer of her happiness to act in that role of being the homemaker, the loved wife, bearer of children. In a way, I can project the most primal instinct of woman’s pain in the realization she may never near children. Do I project too much, or is this a universal reaction, however it may be minimized or disguised? This is why I would have her bear my children, because I do not want a person so dear to endure that pain, that emptiness, like my sister undoubtedly felt, although ages push its memory to the back with other ‘unimportant’ missed events of life. I personally do not feel that urge to have children. I would really like it someday, but I would prefer if I had children a decade from now instead of now, or at least if I could have another decade before having to deal with the responsibilities of fatherhood (which would make Sandra ideal in that time frame).

The bottom line here is that I do not know how I am going to deal with the situation with Amy. I want very much to give her what she wants but I am afraid I could only do so with the compromise of my own happiness.

Now I am having to deal with disguising my whereabouts and liaisons with Sandra while I am away. On one hand, the worst that could happen is that she would get mad and leave me, or maybe the worst thing that could happen is that she would be unhappy or retaliate. But I really want to keep Sandra in my life. I just plain find her so much fun to be with. I really enjoy her considerably more than any woman I have ever been with. She is really so incredibly down to earth. On the other hand, she is very dearly loved and adored by me, so maybe she is glowing and beautiful to look at, since she is filled with spirit.
[!!!]

Thursday September 12, 1996
Seoul
En route to Seoul from C____
[L] [A] [S]

So, Amy is sitting next to me. I fluctuate between feeling frustrated with her and feeling affectionate with her. I do love her, I know that, but given the way she reacts to everything, it certainly as well feels that we are in love with each other. The contrast between Sandra and her is remarkable. Sandra is so lively and challenging and articulate. Amy seems to mope a lot, but then again, she has plenty of reason to, I guess. It feels like a “wife,” in the sense that I feel she feels that I am her property and therefore, she has the right to expect that I will behave like she wants me to. I really wish that she could lighten up.

Right now, I am yearning for the lighter side of relationships. People say that side is “superficial,” yet it is that “newness” that gets the job done that nature is trying to get done. All the essential aspects of procreation can take place in the chance meeting and the passion that follows. If society as a whole honored children, regardless of who they were the child of, and if women were not held to the tremendous pressures which are put upon them to conform, then maybe relationships would remain vibrant.
[!!!]
[!!!]

Right now, for some reason, I have a sudden yearning to see a few women, particularly Haruka and Mei, and to some extent Nicole. Mei is undoubtedly the most perfect in terms of overall good looks. But all three have their youth and beauty. Basically, I am really yearning to make love to them. Like with Haruka, I can hardly wait to stick my penis inside of her.

Now I am facing the dilemma of being disappointing to Amy just once again. Every time that I cannot or will not be with her in the way she needs, she is disappointed once again, and it is habitual for her to be disappointed and for me to disappoint her. This doesn’t feel good.

I talked to Mei this morning. I was able to say to her (and to Nicole and Haruka last night) that I loved her so much. Because I really cannot wait to make love to them, to feel their pussies and their bodies. I want to fuck them so badly.

There is a woman at a restaurant near the Intercontinental Hotel that really attracted me two days ago. Last night I went back to find her but the restaurant was closing and she was not there. I want to see if I can find her tonight when we get back to Seoul. She spoke good English and I thought she was charming and pretty. Then later I said to myself: why shouldn’t I just let her know I like her? The process never seems to amaze me, that is, how immediate love is. It is right in my face, and all I have to do is pursue it. For some reason it always amazes me that I ever succeed at all. In this case, she just “feels right,” I cannot explain the phenomena, but if I really think about it, I can feel the “right” vibrations as strongly as if I could see them with my own eyes.
[!!!]

Amy will probably not be happy with me if I spend time with Haruka, but I plan to, I feel I have to. I really miss her.

…I take a nap in Amy’s lap as Howard drives down the road…

Meanwhile, despite everything I say (write), I am madly in love with Sandra. I long for the soft touch of her hands, and, as I may have written before, I think what I miss most of all is her personality. No wonder I am so happy when I am with her (then the scene from the morning we finally “escaped” from Russia goes through my mind!). I think back on when I first met her, while she sat in the chair opposite me and I just could not believe she was a call girl. She was so vibrant and chipper, bright and witty, captivating.

Amy drives me crazy. I say something and she either does not comment or she makes a lackadaisical one.

My life is just one trip after another, and this is supposed to be ideal. But it is not the kind of travel I like. …. At some point, it is as if I thought that I was I control of it, but then realize that it is in control of me. I do not spend the time I want like I want, except for the thought of traveling with Sandra in a Land Rover somewhere seems ideal.

I guess I can have that kind of time off, but the mountain trips are demanding in that there is not too much flexibility: you have to reach one point. So they tend to be focused effort, not that I am complaining. I think my favorite travel is having a vehicle and having a loose schedule, especially in a country where having a vehicle is unusual for a foreigner, and having a woman I really love with me.

Life is a paradox, since if you don’t have something, you want to have it, and if you have it, you want something else. It’s that simple. Like if I don’t have a woman in the car with me, I would want one, but if I had what I wanted, I would want some other girl that I just spied in the cafe we just left: or something of this sort.

Tomorrow we are supposed to fly to Cheju in the morning, which I admit I would look forward to. Cheju Island is a special place. Then the next day it is to Tokyo, and I really hope I can see Haruka without making Amy too mad. What to do?!

When I look at my schedule, it is so tight. I was amazed to see I may only be home a week and then I will be on the road again, on my way back to Europe and Sandra. I want to be back there by Oktoberfest.

On the 19th of October I am supposed to do that dumb thing for the Explorers Club. So I will have to turn right back and return to San Francisco.

I guess I still have a “free” schedule between now and Antarctica at the end of November (but Nicole said ‘you can take a week off and see me for my birthday - November 21).

I just looked out of the window into the incandescent night; just before Amy is talking to me about Wal Mart’s opening in China when the crowds stampeded the food counter, and I was thinking that maybe I would be better off being “poor” and wander the back roads of the world, away from the influences of the techno-world. It is some sort of axiom that people tend to look upon their habits as “right,” even if they are opposite to their actions of last week, when they thought they were “right,” and so the techno-world praises itself for its homogeneousness, when in fact it is a terrible thing, a monster-like gobbler of cultures.
[!!!]

I think of my grandmother and feel that I am not doing enough for her. I should really try to get Sandra a visa. What is going to happen to Amy and I? I just feel that she can do what she wants to, I can give her what I can give her, but frankly right now, I don’t feel I can give too much to another woman, because right now I am in love with Sandra, really in love with her, in a really nice way. I told Amy last night: ‘I am just a slut, that’s what I am, and I like being a slut (sleeping around with as many women as I care to).’ I said, ‘What are you going to do with me?’ To my surprise (and partially mixed disappointment and pleasure?) she said, “Love you.” Then, after a pause, she returned the question, “And what are you going to do with me?” And, partially to make her feel O.K., and partially because I felt it, I said, “I’m just going to love you too.”

Friday, September 13, 1996
Seoul
[L] [S] [A]

Sandra, Mei, Nicole (I had a long talk with Nicole about things. We re-affirmed our love for each other. I felt pleased, felt more in love with her.)

Today was a banner day. For one thing I really like Cheju Island. Then showing Amy was a pleasure (except when she was grouchy). The basalt rocks were awesome on the seaside. I made arrangements to buy two 7,000 pound Harubang statues.

To Cheju-do Korea by Plane
Hooray, what a day to go to Cheju, a special place in the world.

I am reading news of various sort and feeling that on one hand I am glad I am not famous, and on the other I wish I were, if only to experience something I have not yet experienced (not that I want to experience everything, no thank you). But my reflections are that the ludicrousness of human minds appears in the media. Case in point is the rock stars Oasis trying to be like the Beatles (or better than). It occurred to me reading it that really it is the worst of the worst which the public eats up for some reason. This guy is cutting everything down and swearing. In a way, the thought are pea-brained, though maybe it is pure entertainment value. O.K., do you know what it is that really makes me see it that way? It is the attitude of self-importance coming out. People thinking they are better or superior. Nonsense. Or for example, William Perry, Secretary of Defense’s comment that building U.S. military presence does ‘not represent a threat’ to Iraq. Why else would the U.S. be sending them? Or just take the NRA (National Rifle Association) for example. The American people surely must be brainwashed by gun manufacturers. We will gladly put three times more people in prison since 1980 but we won’t give up hand guns. It is a stark fact that those countries which outlaw handguns have less violent crime. Period.
[Casey: I am afraid of the NRA. Omit?]

And government appropriations, for defense, for example. Why not divert these funds to education, to hiring and schooling teachers, or social scientists to research what makes people happy?
[!!!]

Clean energy cars, which would not only be clean but quiet.

I am no genius to make such global suggestions, the most ignorant person could as easily apply common sense to these situations, once exposed to new options.

I was recently thinking, about four days ago, perhaps on the flight to Korea, or maybe it was when I laid in bed the first night in Seoul and could not sleep, to form a non-profit organization called Beautify Earth, the acronym which would simply be B.E. I like the simplicity.
[!!!]

I don’t think I need to say it, but the purpose of the organization would be to be an umbrella for all organizations and adherents for causes which would harmonize mankind’s relationship with nature, varying from planting trees in urban areas to some of the other causes mentioned above, including the genre of solar panels, windmills, saving vast areas of forest and natural landscapes (world parks), with particular attention paid to supporting people’s rights to divergence from the norm, to the right of people to regain themselves according to their language and cultural groups, to the avoidance of enforcement of rules and laws with guns, to peaceful resolution of conflict, to rediscover respect of nature both in terms of our alliance with the beauty of nature (instead of turning our landscapes into toilets of human waste and intervention) and in terms of our structures of human organization (not creating rules, traditions, laws, which fly in the face of our nature—such as outlawing nudity, for example).
[!!!]
[!!!]
[!!!]
[!!!]

I laid in bed assessing how much economic power I would need to make a difference. I calculated it in my head on a number of different bases, mainly: how much wealth is there in the world? I estimated that if you added together all the things mankind valued, in today’s currency, you would be looking at around ten quadrillion dollars ($10,000,000,000,000,000). I estimated, based on certain assessments which I would like to share now, save that the plane is de-boarding, that to make a difference I would need approximately $25 trillion under my jurisdiction. These assessments are based on a variety of factors. For example, I think it is obvious that you do not need total physical control in order to have effective control. As very rough benchmarks, I consider the following:
i) Only about 1/3 of the people are influential in any event, the other two thirds being children or elderly, effectively disabled, disinterested and unemployed, or etc. So if a rough estimate of near future world population is 6 billion, then only 2 billion are effectively influential.
ii) As an example, $2 trillion would be enough for $1000 for every individual. Since per capita income for developing countries may be in the vicinity of $10,000 but for developing countries it may be more like $500, a good rough estimate for the 1/3 working people is about $1000 per year on average. So, in general, this is a significant amount of money.
iii) But since you don’t need all the people involved in order to create vast change, take another example of how much $25 trillion is with respect to the USA, the most influential nation. This would mean 25,000,000/250 = $100,000 for every person in the country. Or $1,000,000 for one tenth of the people. It is a significant amount.
iv) What is the total for the entire world’s wealth? If you consider that the last fifty years has produced the predominance of it, take an average of 2.5 billion people each producing the equivalent of an average of $1000 per year, and that is $ 2.5 trillion x 50 = $ 125 trillion.
v) A lot of what is produced is discarded or consumed, but many items increase in value.
vi) This analysis must inherently disregard land, but examine for example, the value of real estate in the USA. If there are approximately 500 million structures each worth an average of $100,000, that is a total of $ 50 trillion. If the USA has only 4 percent of the world population, but taking into account it is far richer on average, then it would extrapolate to 25*50 trillion, less some factor, it would amount to at most $ 1,000 trillion in structures.
vii) Theory of the Utility of Beauty. The concept of survival thought versus discretionary thought. Most people heretofore have had to preoccupy themselves with survival thought. The population of the world is growing. In order to sustain such a growing population, technology is needed. A growing technology allows for an easier life in terms of chances of absolute survival. As surviving becomes easier, people have more time for discretionary thought versus survival thought. As people have time for discretionary thought, the opportunity for enlightening thinking is fostered. As this happens, there is an opportunity to have people concern themselves with improving quality of their human-made surroundings, not only with the utility of those tools. So the beauty becomes part of the utility.
viii) Theory of Threshold of Influence. The concept that it is not required to have absolute control of resources to have effective control. It would not be required to have immediate control of all the world’s resources in order to make sweeping change. It is equivalent to ‘give me a lever long enough, and I will move the world.’ An army of determined people of a magnitude of 10 million people could overtake a country of 250 million people. This theory addresses the quantification of how much economic influence would be necessary in order to accelerate a movement of re-direction of governmental appropriations and geo-thought into alignment with the idea to beautify the earth (clean, quiet energy, sanction of cultural diversity, utility of beauty as a function of, cultural, metropolitan planning, educational design).
ix) Theory of Incorporation of Beauty and Harmony into the Functionality Standard of Products. As it stands today, a product’s or government’s viability is based on whether or not it is ‘functional.’ For example, a car is deemed worthy if it is ‘road-worthy’ and can carry passengers. My argument is that mere functionality is not good enough, since if it ultimately has serious negative side effects, such as the noise of a car making people tense, then, viewed in this manner, the perception of a car’s ‘functionality’ is drastically revised and in most cases inadequate. The standards set by governments have pervasive influence on the actions of people and corporations. As an example, pollution control devices on cars in countries with regulations enforcing them have a great impact on cleanliness of air. Arguments in countries that don’t have these standards as to why they don’t or cannot have these standards are virtually never justified. Still, the level of standards set by and for people for their societies in the face of technology and burgeoning population’s onslaught are not nearly what they could or should be. By setting standards at a whole new level, sweeping changes for the better are possible. For example, if we insist on a noise standard for cars that is near that of a sailboat on the water, then driving automobiles might give us the sensation of calm and pleasantness that we would have in a sailboat. Or, by requiring the input that a happiness quotient must go into the planning of buildings or products (that is, to require a certain level of attention to the reaction of people to the aesthetics of products), it would be more likely that the reaction of people to those products would be a happy one than without those standards. (This may sound far-fetched, but my suggestion is a broad one, whereby governments would appropriate a significant portion of their budgets to social sciences to research what makes people emotionally healthy and happy and quantify their findings.)
x) Theory of Lack of Recognition of Options. I think the truth is that societies on the whole are blind to the options.
[!!!]

14 SAT Cheju
Super-beautiful day, hot, magic.

Sunday September 15, 1996
Tokyo
[L] [A]

Tokyo weather one of the nicest days I ever experienced, sunny but not too hot, scattered clouds, breezy, cooling me, loved walking.

Amy was so cool with me about sleeping and being with Haruka, it was really admirable and appreciated. I feel very, very lucky in this way. Amy was cool and Haruka was very passionate, but afterwards Amy’s tight pussy was exciting. I guess I have just been hankering a lot for being next to a body like Haruka’s. It is perfect, except her pussy is not that tight. But being next to someone so voluptuous makes me feel refreshed and whole.

On my way back to Kudanshita, Tokyo
Oh boy.

I just left Haruka’s house.

Things are going well on one hand and a little overwhelming on the other. As you know, diary, I have been staying in one room at the Grand Palace and Amy in the other. I sleep with Amy, but I play with Haruka in my room. Amy knows, of course. But Haruka doesn’t. I have this fear that if I ever was in the public eye under its scrutiny, I would invite criticism, but then again, so would just about anyone besides the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa (both mentioned with respect here, please note).

People (the public) can be so arbitrary.

I have been having a good time, but on the other hand, I miss Sandra. In a way, I would gladly give up other women for her, which she wants and which I have promised, but I have promised this under threat of the realization that there would probably be a significant backlash if I didn’t. (Could I blame Amy for lying if she had an affair, given how hurt I was last year when I accidentally discovered she’d had one?)

We arrived here, Amy and I did, from Cheju-do (via Seoul) yesterday afternoon, and have had a blast since then. In a way, I was really looking forward to being home, but now that Haruka is (maybe) coming, if she did, it would be another hectic period. Actually, I might want to think about calming things down so that I actually did have some moments of peace. With all these women around the globe, it is trying at times. In a way, I can openly admit I am afraid to stop pursuing them. I think I do it mostly for pleasure, but I also do it for insurance against being alone. In reality I cannot really see me stopping completely. All my experience points to the fact that when I am under one woman’s domain alone, I end up feeling badly, because they are routinely unreasonable and unfair at times (like all of us I guess, but particularly acute during at one time or another during their period). Then I start getting panicky and hurt and overreact. I don’t think I am at my best in those situations. So I would rather opt for multiple partners, even if it requires bending the truth (since almost no woman I know will tolerate the truth about how I even feel and think about women (wanting them), let alone carrying out my sexual desires).

Cheju-do was really great, particularly since I made arrangements to buy two 7000 pound basalt Harubang, a traditional statue that looks like a grandfather with a hat. I went to Cheju by myself in 1992, scarcely two weeks after I had married Joy (and had an affair with a Korean woman there, though she was not very attractive, she was skinny and a really hot lay). Then, I became familiar with Harubang. I wanted to buy one when we went to the south of the island two days ago, but they were ridiculously expensive. For example, one about a foot and a half high would sell for about $100. But we drove past a stone yard which were selling large ones. So one that is 2 meters high (6 ½ feet) was $ 1500. There had been one back at the folk village which may have or may not have been old, but it was about three feet high and they were asking nearly $1000.

Our time in Cheju was enjoyable. We drove to the south of the island to the folk village (which was interesting). Then spent an hour arranging the purchase of the Harubang. Later we went out to the water where there was a massively impressive coastline of hexagonal basalt crystals lining the water. The day was hot and magical. At the end of the day, we returned on the road past the mountain.

When we got to Tokyo, we bussed to the Grand Palace Hotel. Shortly after arriving we took a walk. First we discovered a temple that was just near the hotel that I had never taken notice of. There was a procession of children with mikoshi. This day was the Hachimangu Mitsuri festival. Then we went past the cherry blossom trees and the impressive Tayasu-mon gate. We walked through the gardens there, then walked to the entrance of the Imperial Palace East Garden, which was closing. Continuing on, the sun out, the temperature warm and the air light and breezy, we came to a place at the corner of the moat where we were surprised to see very large carp, and two swans. Everything looked beautiful.

We walked to the sushi place in front of the Edmont, but it was closed. So we had a sushi feast at the Grand Palace downstairs. I love the miso with miniature clams in it.

Amy was very supportive of my rendezvous with Haruka. I met Haruka down the hall in my “other” room, # 1420 (while Amy was in # 1427). I was about to get into the shower when she came in. She seemed to want to kiss, so I threw my arms around her, then brought her to the bed. There she undressed and soon we were making love. Now I have to tell you, diary, that this moment was really wonderful. I had been desiring her beautiful body, her soft skin, for many days. Her hair was nearly to her waist and it was thick. I pulled it down I front of her, so that while making love, it laid between our bodies. What a luxurious coat this was!

I drank in her youth, feeling validated for life again. I felt her hands, her waist, her gorgeous breasts, her rear, all perfect, drinking it is as if I satisfying the thirst of a man dying of thirst.

But still, the orgasm was not so intense at the end, which is normal for me when I am with her. She does not have control of her vagina to squeeze me, which most women seem to have a knack for, Amy especially. I felt very desirous of her, and not long afterwards, the thought of having my penis inside her again was exciting me (and, I had the feeling, her as well). Soon we were making love again. This I also enjoyed. Later we went to MOS burger, our favorite food hangout when we need a quick fix. We made love a short time when we returned, but it was under the duress of her having to go. We never finished.

After she left, I went to my room and called Sandra. Sandra was insecure and I formulated answers to her questions about my ‘faithfulness’ in a way so as not to alarm her. In the meantime, her reminders about this subject so of pricked my curiosity about her own. We talked for like an hour.

Later, I returned to Amy’s room and she and I made love. Amy is a much better lover, no question about it. Amy had the tightest pussy I ever felt, and she knows how to use it. So when I come (orgasm), it is usually very intense. So was tonight the same.

….

In the morning I awoke about 6:30 a.m. I decided to bring my suit bag with me so that she would not be suspicious that I only had my camera in my room. I walked out of the door and she saw me before I saw her, but almost simultaneously, sitting down the hall in front of room 1420, waiting for me. It took me all but a moment’s hesitation to decide that there was no turning back on this, that I had to go ahead as if this was completely normal. ‘How long have you been waiting?’ ‘For one hour,’ was her response, as we walked into the room.

[rest of entry missing]

16 MON Tokyo

Tuesday September 17, 1996
Tokyo
[L]

Haruka said something like: Before she met me she thought that sex was painful, but now she likes it. She seemed somehow grateful, as if I had showed her something new.

18 WED San Francisco

19 THU San Francisco

Friday September 20, 1996
San Francisco

Haruka seemed to really like sex today. She asked me on the couch: “Where did you learn to make love?” she said in soft voice. I asked her: “Do you like it?” Her answer: “Yes.” I felt flattered.

21 SAT San Francisco

22 SUN San Francisco

23 MON Vancouver

Tuesday September 24, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

I am flying back from Vancouver. I saw Sandra yesterday and this morning. I really appreciate her beauty. I find her so lovely. I am really in love with her.

Now I will spend the rest of the day with Haruka. Haruka has some fine qualities, but she cannot compare with Sandra. For me, Sandra is so ‘complete.’ She makes me feel ‘complete’ when I am with her, for not only is she pretty from head to toe, but she is articulate as well, intelligent enough to talk to about things, humorous to share jokes with, yet still youthful enough to carry the blush of passion and continual ‘I-Love-You’s.’

What I really wish is that I could divide out myself into multiple entities so that I could live with each woman separately. For example, I hate neglecting Amy. I saw her yesterday morning for coffee, but I did not call her the rest of the day, since Sandra watched me like a hawk.

My life is complicated right now.

25 WED San Francisco

26 THU San Francisco

27 FRI San Francisco

Saturday September 28, 1996
Vancouver
[L] [S]

Tonight was really painful, as Amy and I parted on angry terms, and I could ‘feel’ her drifting away from me, all in the context that I had just found out about the existence of a new ‘friend’ of hers.

en route to Vancouver
The only time I have to write seems to be when I am on a plane, and even then it has to be when I am by myself. I am very happy to have you right now, dear diary, for if I did not, this flight would be a longer and a lonelier one than it need be. I am feeling kind of insecure right now, and it is with good reason.

I am on my way to Vancouver right now. Here is the situation of my life. I am in love with many women. I will list them:
i) Amy, who is my San Francisco girlfriend and a deep love.
ii) Sandra, who is my Australian girlfriend who is in Vancouver and whom I am going to see right now. She wants to be in San Francisco (to my knowledge).
iii) Haruka, who lives in Tokyo; she just visited me in San Francisco for a week; she thinks we are going to get married.
iv) Nicole, who lives in Port of Spain, Trinidad. I haven’t seen her for awhile. But I am still in love with her. I talked to her for awhile a few days ago.
v) Mei, who lives in Shanghai; I was having difficulty with her for awhile, but in our last conversations, she still expresses her interest to see me.
vi) Laura, who also lives in Shanghai, I haven’t seen her for a long time. She still says she loves me.
vii) Michiyo, who lives in Kyushu, Japan. I have only been there once, but she still seems in love with me.

All of these girls, it seems, are in love with me. Some I love more than others intellectually, or sexually, but I guess I am really not ‘in love’ with Laura or Michiyo, not in the sense of feeling “thrilled” to see them, although I would like to see them. There is also Amber, who I still love, she is Jack’s wife; I only made love to her once. I would like her as a lover, but I do not know if that will ever happen again. She seemed very in love with me, but she decided she could not see me sexually since she was married. I feel that is still up in the air.

Well, to today’s story. I am feeling really very upset with Amy. She is changing. I cannot really blame her. In my heart of hearts I cheer her on to do whatever makes her happy, but it is nevertheless painful to face the dilemma of today. If I had to guess, I would guess that she is also feeling confused and somewhat badly over me too.

When I met her in Korea, she seemed sort of hostile. After some days, she seemed to calm down, but I analyzed it through my feelings. That is, at first I felt no love for her. I felt that I could no longer stand her. I wondered why I was with her, and I promised myself that I would break up with her and that I would never travel with her again. But after a few days, I warmed up with her again. The first days were in Seoul (when I was unhappy to be with her). But in Cheju on Saturday, I started to feel closer to her again. Then, in Tokyo, I felt that I still loved her. And this last few days, I was really happy to be with her. In between times, Haruka was in San Francisco, and I did not see Amy. The point of this paragraph is that I have a belief that love is reciprocal. This means that when I feel something about someone, in the absence of any further information, my first guess would be that they feel the same about me. This phenomena certainly seems to extend over to social relationships in general. Then, there is also another phenomena which confuses the perception of this first ‘reciprocal’ factor. The second factor is sort of like the opposite. That is, when one person is overly crazy about another, the second person can have the opposite reaction. I find it difficult to explain this second factor, but I sense that it exists. Perhaps I will elaborate on this in a later writing.

But relating this to Amy, I talked with her in the last day or so, and she confirmed that she felt the same about me as I had about her in terms of deciding to break up with me in the first days of our trip. Maybe part of it was that she was on her period.

To get to the real point, she had met a guy back in San Francisco before the trip. I found this out on Thursday this week. She had told me that she was going to go out with her girlfriend Pam. I can’t say exactly why, but I feel I have developed a fairly good sixth sense as to when I am being lied to or not. It probably is related to the fact that I have been lied to so much in the past and also because I lie so much these days (but only to girlfriends). I felt that she was lying and felt so sure that she finally admitted she was going out with a guy. She said they were ‘only friends’ and said she would come by my house at 11 p.m. At a few minutes before 11 p.m. I had the sense that she would not be on time, so I started to call her. Her cellular phone was off, and she was not answering her page. I left many messages at her house in a short period of time. At about 11:20 p.m. she called me from her house. She said that she had just gotten in. She indicated her friend was there and she said she’d call me right back. I felt jealous, but I did not want her to feel awkward, so I hung up. But within a minute or so, I called back. She was upset because it was embarrassing, so she said she would call me back again. In a few minutes she called me and we spoke. We talked for awhile, and then she came over. Before she arrived, I checked in with Sandra by phone. Amy and I ended up making love, and it was very nice. But my heart was sort of broken, and I have not felt right since.

There are many implications to these simple events. One of the most significant, I feel, is that I have been monitoring my ‘psychological purity factor.’ Basically, this factor monitors how I feel about my own sexuality. If I am content with how I feel, I will give a high mark. But if I suffer from insecurity, I will give a relatively low mark. For example, if I feel ‘powerful’ and ‘secure’ and if I like the sort of thoughts that accompany my sexuality, I feel ‘content’ and I will record a high mark. But if I feel ‘insecure’ or if I have some sort of thought that I am not comfortable with, I will give a low mark. The reason I am mentioning this is because I feel there is a direct correlation, based on my experience, between the events in my life and this factor. For example, if a girlfriend is interested in someone else, I seem to have a reaction of a ‘low purity rating’, even if I am not aware consciously of the event. Also notable is the fact that when my father was very domineering, I would seem to develop insecurities.

For the time I have been with Amy, my confidence has risen dramatically. So I have been fearful that if she left me, I might experience a corresponding lull in my confidence. I noticed some insecurity lately. Being very aware of my feelings and having this theory that it is related to outside events, I began to wonder what might be going on that I did not know about, but merely ‘sensed.’

I will give another example. I have noticed an extreme amount of under-confidence from Sandra lately. I found it curious that no matter how I tried to reassure her, she seemed so suspicious. Meanwhile, though I protested my innocence, she still seemed insecure. I attribute her insecurity to the fact that, although I protested my innocence, she sensed that I was sleeping with Amy and Haruka. I really believe that ‘people know.’

While I was wondering which of the women whom I love might be doing something, I thought it might be Sandra, since I was not with her at the time. (I was in Korea with Amy and Sandra was in Munich.) But maybe what was really going on is that Amy, who was right beside me, may have been triggering this response in me. Mind you, I am not ‘blaming’ her. I am looking at this clinically, trying to understand. And I am saying that in fact I have noticed that there seems to be a direct correlation between what others do and how I feel about myself, even when I am not consciously aware of what is going on.
[!!!]

Well, things between Amy and I are really changing. I am really a matter of fact sort of person. So, for example, when she did not leave her phone on Thursday night, I concluded that, despite the fact that she characterized this guy as just a friend, she cared about him. I figured that if she did not, she would leave the phone on, for why risk making me angry, why risk estranging me, if she really felt he was ‘just a friend.’

There have been many indications that she has feelings for him. And there are many indications that it is more than she lets on, that she is really eager to see him, that she feels he is a prospect for boyfriend-hood or at the least as a sexual partner, that she is really waiting to see how he feels about her before she ‘makes up her mind’, and, very importantly, that she is lying.

I tend to be very analytical, and I feel that there are too many contradictions in her statements and behavior. Besides, she also admits a lot of things directly, so there is no mistake that she is drifting away from me. Both are painful. That is, it is painful when she is direct. It is also painful when she lies to me about her schedule (‘to spare my feelings’). So, in response, ostensibly, to my promiscuousness, now she is either cuckolding me, or contemplating it. She swears that she has not yet done anything. (That is, not yet had sex with anyone. (Other than the time last year when I was returning from the mountain.))

I can go on describing all the details of what I find suspicious, but I guess the most important thing is how I feel about the situation. It is hard not to read between the lines. I feel that I am losing Amy. This is always an awful feeling. Yet there is a lot of good to the situation too. It is painful, I admit, but the alternative has been hard as well. For example, I noticed today, when I confirmed that I was leaving tonight, that she was not displeased. She said it was O.K., that she was used to it. But this would not have been her reaction before. She might have said the same thing, but she would have put out a genuinely forlorn energy. I felt something differently. I felt that she felt that this was an opportunity ‘to see her new friend.’ I sensed the underlying excitement. Wow! If this is not ‘ego-deflating.’ Yet the paradox is that since I really love Amy, I hate to see her unhappy, and if this extra friend can make the hours pass while I am away, that is a good thing, as far as alleviating her pain. On the other hand, there is the knowledge that this new ‘friend’ is very likely to become (if not already achieved) her new ‘lover’. And then, how would this affect her feelings for me? It seems likely, as happened on Thursday, that this would translate into less time and attention to me. Furthermore, this could quite easily result in completely ending my sexual relationship with Amy.

As Dr. Ross, my counselor and psychologist, has indicated, losing Amy could have a dramatic effect on me. To some extent, I do not understand where my extreme confidence and good luck with women has come from. Objectively, I have had a history of pursuing women with great vigor, but it seems in the last two years, I have come into my own. It seems there are six factors:
i) Amy has supported me at home.
ii) Climbing Mount Everest definitely has filled me with self-confidence.
iii) My effort at meeting 100 women (‘100 Women Direct’) has boosted my efforts. It has basically resulted in building my confidence to the extent that I can walk up to a woman I am interested in and be very direct with her about my interest. This is a very powerful confidence, because it means that I approach my sexual pursuit of women in a ‘leaving no stone unturned’ fashion.
iv) Success breeds success and confidence.
v) I have endeavored to keep the women I have found in my life. This has only been possible through lying to them.
vi) An afterthought is that maybe one of the reason that I have been more successful than I was previously is because I have become more self-aware, largely through my own efforts under the guidance of Dr. Ross. This self-awareness is important to me in a couple of respects. One is that I pursue women without feeling guilty; I do so with more self-acceptance. I have cast off the ‘morality’ of my society (which I feel is false), as opposed to before, when I partially would buy into what others felt was right or wrong. I don’t moralize much in this way anymore. I just look at it that I am a human with certain inclinations that I have a right to pursue (much like I have a right to order cauliflower if it is on the menu!). Two is that I believe I have become much more sensitive to my own intuitions. I used to ignore them a lot. Now I pay very close attention to them, and I try to work with them. Three is that I think I have also become more sensitive to women’s feelings. I believe, because I have more ‘self-understanding’ that I have more understanding of others, both about their good sides and their ‘bad sides’. Four is that I think being more self-aware is an attractant to women. I sense that they crave for men to be more sensitive, and that it is a rare commodity. Fifth is that I am just plain stronger emotionally. That means that I am more willing to love more deeply, not so afraid to get hurt, and that if I am hurting, I am not so afraid, because I remember what Dr. Ross said to do: just admit to yourself: “Boy, this hurts!” In that alone can be newfound strength.
[!!!]

So I wonder what losing Amy might do to my confidence.

I am sort of fatalistic about it all. This is one of the benefits of living for 40 years and having experience. I know that no matter how much it feels like it is going to hurt to lose someone, that later on you realize you have gotten over it O.K.

29 SUN Vancouver

30 MON San Francisco
Sandra, sent fax to Michiyo.

October 1996

October 1, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Overall comment at this time is that Sandra sort of drives me crazy half the time on the phone; she is depressed (though the majority of the time she is upbeat). In a way, it satisfies my own insecurity to talk to her, but on the other, generally I do not enjoy talking to my girlfriend’s on the phone. It is almost always obligatory. I do, however, enjoy their personalities when I am with them (unless they’re in a bad mood).

October 2, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Haruka, Nicole, received fax from Michiyo.

Went down this evening to visit Gam (my maternal grandmother), but she was feeling badly, so she left a note on her door saying that she could not see us tonight (we were late by about 20 minutes from our scheduled arrival at 7:30 p.m.).
Thursday October 3, 1996 THU San Francisco
Friday October 4, 1996
en route to Munich
[L] [S]

Now I am off to Vancouver to pick up Sandra and go to Oktoberfest in Germany prior to a business trip. It has been very touch-and-go with Amy and all the other aspects of my love life. The last month has been a whirlwind of juggling. Surprisingly, I have weathered it. I am surprised that I am in as ‘good a shape’ as I am, or maybe it is just because I am ignorant of how poor a shape I’m really in! I am happy that at least Amy and I left on good terms. I alternate between loving her more than I can imagine and wondering why I am with her at all.

I am on my way to Vancouver again. This time I am going only to get Sandra and then I am flying to Europe. I have very mixed feelings at the moment about a lot of things. Particularly about Amy and my relationship with her. I sincerely hope that Amy and I can work certain things out. I hope that she would want to have my baby. But then again, I also recognize there is probably a part of each of us [remainder of paragraph missing….]

I am of course excited to see Sandra. I feel horny right now.

Thought and life are so interesting. There are so many levels of existence, so many ways to see something, so many reflections on which to ponder.

I wonder if there really is a life and death; is this just a dream? Is the purpose of life so as to see ourselves in a new way, such as I projected in 1984 on Lake Baidam in Nepal? Then, I referred to us or we or I in the Universal sense, as if all matter was one continuum.
[!!!]

The ride is bouncy. I think of the latest big airliner crash (TWA). I wonder what the people were doing a few minutes before the explosion. Everything must have seemed normal, then all of a sudden, the plane must have given way, and for some on the airplane, there must have been some moments of realization that there was something terribly wrong, and they must have foreseen their own deaths. What a strange thought, what a strange situation to be in. Why are we so afraid of death? If it is at all like the rest of existence as I know it, then there is a moment of fear, there is pain, but then there is also resolution. It seems so hard for me to believe that it is all terrible. I think of the millions of animals which are killed daily for food. What becomes of their own souls?
[!!!]

I wonder after to rest of my life. I often remind myself that it can go on for a long, long time, or it can be over in the coming year, or month, etc. so I try to cherish it. But then I also realize how little I actually enjoy myself compared to how I could.

5 SAT Munich
Sunday October 6, 1996
Munich
[L]

I called Amy about 10 a.m., which was 2 a.m. her time and she told me I awoke her. We talked for a little while. These days I am not feeling so in love with Sandra. Love is funny. Maybe this merely means that I have stopped being infatuated with her and now I can start to really love her.
Monday October 7, 1996
Munich
[L]

I finally called her late morning and she criticized me since it was quarter to two in the morning. She was home anyway. She told me not to worry; she was sweet, in a way.

Tuesday October 8, 1996
Munich
[L]

Amy in morning call her time night, she sounded somewhat in love, then disappointed when I said I had to get off (after 15 minutes).

Sandra and I have stupid fight (aren’t they all?) over nothing. I still basically follow the strategy to try to maintain all my loves and not to let them go; why should I? A lover is worth a great deal, and should never be taken for granted. When angry it is all too easy to do so. So I fight myself a little to remember. It is easy when juggling gets hard to want to let go but like so many other things, with love, it is either getting better or it is diminishing. At the end of the night, I started thinking about Ms. Nguyen from Saigon (not my current one but the one Amy and I had a not completed ménage a trios with). I tried to imagine why I was so upset by that experience, and then I remembered how much I had wanted her. After feeling sort of blasé about Sandra lately, I was eager to make love to her when we returned. I have to admit I enjoyed it much more, since I had the other Ms. Nguyen to think about. I told Amy in the morning that when I saw Sandra I realized that I wasn’t in love with her anymore. In part I was trying to make Amy feel happier, and in part it was true.
[!!!]

Wednesday October 9, 1996
Stockholm
[L]

Amy seemed cheerful this morning when I called, I cannot enjoy that every time I call I worry that she is with this other guy and that is why she is happy. I don’t really know her in many ways. Anyway I was happy that she was happy. This morning I made love to Sandra after our morning outing. We did it quickly, but again I thought about the other Ms. Nguyen. I even consider trying to find her again, I fell so much in love with her so deeply, so immediately. In comparison, I don’t love Sandra in the same way as the other Ms. Nguyen.

…..I am on my way to the airport with Karl and Sandra, and we are on our way to Stockholm. I am feeling a little jet lag.

Sandra is sleeping on my knee, hunched over from her chair, exhausted with jet lag. I share her feeling, I just keep sleeping everywhere.

I am suffering from my knee lately, ever since I met Sandra it has been hurting, for that is when, just a few days later, I chased the goat in Mootwingee, and hurt [my] foot. I did not notice until after my foot healed that my knee was also bothering me.

I have been thinking of Ms. Nguyen - that is, the first Ms. Nguyen I met when Amy and I went to Saigon. I am so interested in meeting beautiful women, and suddenly this need has cropped up again.

Thursday October 10, 1996
Stockholm
[L] [E] [F] [S]

Amy was sleeping at 11:30 her time; she seems very sweet, talked only a minute, I had to go. Read Laura’s letter from June-Aug, a little touched, she sure seems faithful, I should call her; and Michiyo, feeling more in love with Sandra again, thinking more about fulfilling some of my sexual dreams, e.g., young women.

My first full day in Stockholm, in Sweden and in Scandinavia. I must say that I really like it a lot. I like the lighting and it makes me feel that I should strongly consider taking nude photos here of imported or Swedish women. I can imagine what it must be like in the natural setting here. As KJ pointed out, the low lighting (the warm glow usually only found for half an hour around sunset) in other places can be found here for much longer.

I had two meetings today, which both went well. I would like to start to do business here.

Yet I wonder, as I often do, to some degree every day, and to another maybe never to the extent that I should, what my life is made of, what it should be made of, how I should improve it, how meaningless so much of it is. I wonder for example, since I am making $1__,000 a year, how meaningful that is, since I blow most of it away, and a good portion of it to buy other people things and to accommodate other people (and on the other hand, what better use of my money than to help others!). But I see the need to step outside myself, to reevaluate my life, and to ask some basic questions. What should I be doing with my days? Surely I have enough money, that if all I wanted to do was to see the world, I could sustain myself for a long time if I sold my houses, cashed in and traveled frugally.

Then I mourn the changes of the world and the disappearance of the diversity that ‘ought to exist.’ In a way, the mystique of finding new places and of sharing their mystery with others has been rendered meaningless by the homogenization of the world. I look at music TV and I feel sick to see the heart of music (which undoubtedly welled up in the breast of our ancestors when other forms of expression would not do) bastardized into corporate, intellectually devised, marketing-oriented, geared-to-maximizing-market-acceptance, (basically, in a word:) contrived, repetitive garbage. And so on, so that the flavor of individuality, in dress, in appearance, in customs, in government, in behavior, in religion, in philosophy, etc., becomes drenched in conformity. Yuk! I want to rebel, but I do not know how to do so effectively. Men wearing earrings is rebelling against former culture where this was not accepted and then in itself becomes a convention to join.
[!!!]

How can anything representing rebellion against an inferior way of being remain pure in its message when it is practiced by persons themselves swallowed whole by mediocrity?
[!!!]

Only when something is truly wonderful does it transcend the boring, the humdrum, the pain of life, etc.
[!!!]

It is not the content of the message, it is not the content of the place, it is the spirit which surrounds it, that lives in it.
[!!!]

The beautiful lover amazes me with her beauty, I am firmly convinced, not because of her actual physical uniqueness, but because she is filled with the spirit of our mutual love.
[!!!]

In the same way, it is not the movement in society which fills one with a wonderful feeling of ‘cause’ because it is intellectually ‘right’ or because it ‘logically follows that…’ but it is because of a spirit which is indefinable which flows among people at the time. So once that spirit is gone, but the people continue to outwardly practice it, it may appear even foolish, and if not then at best, it may just appear meaningless. So then people continue to try to recapture that feeling by outwardly going through the motions, when this is fruitless.
[!!!]

I should look deeper, to find the real causes of wonderful feelings within me. I would like to help the world, but how can I do anything of value unless I have an answer? If I have an answer, I must know not only the answer but the question as well, and if I am in possession of both, then I must outwardly show it in a dramatic way, else wise, why would anyone want to listen let alone believe?
[!!!]

Why do I want to ‘find an answer?’ The most basic answer is that I want it for myself, either to practice it or to feel the reward of knowing I have truly given something of value to my fellows.
[!!!]

11 FRI Hart, near Innsbruck, Austria
12 SAT Hart, near Innsbruck, Austria
13 SUN Hart, near Innsbruck, Austria
Monday October 14, 1996
Atlanta
[L] [S]

En route to Atlanta
Today is not the happiest of days. I think I can only be really happy when my mind is preoccupied away from the cares of the world. This state of preoccupation may in fact anyway represent a truer perspective of reality than it does to get carried away worrying about what is in the newspapers. I get depressed when I read the newspapers. I end up feeling so small, so unimportant. I don’t mind feeling small, but it is the difference between feeling voluntarily humbled by the immensity of space or the grandeur of a mountain scene (beautiful feelings) and feeling small because something or someone is suppressing you (not a beautiful feeling, an ugly feeling). It’s the latter that I feel when I read the news. I feel so helpless. There is so much obvious injustice. Number one. But in addition, there is the subtle twist that those items which are praised are those which are essentially evil or neutral, while those which are criticized are those which are good.
[!!!]

Here is an example. There is a marijuana club in San Francisco that administers marijuana to people suffering from diseases which medicinal marijuana can help. I read an article on it a year or two ago. I just read that the California Drug Enforcement Agency raided the place and shut it down. This is portrayed as good (police) against evil (the people administering marijuana to sufferers who cannot get it legally). In another article, it discusses that there are three times more people in prison today in the USA (1.6 million) than there were in 1980 (!). Another article goes on to talk about prison building being a ‘growth industry.’ It all seems so unfortunate to me. There is something inherently wrong with having prisons, or at least for most crimes. The very concept of possessions creates most crimes. There is something terribly, terribly wrong.
[!!!]

I do not have ‘easy answer’. But my common sense tells me that there is a better way. It has something to do with the way things are perceived. We create criminals out of people. There is so much human suffering and destruction of natural habitat (animal homes) that is unnecessary. I feel I see this clearly. Simply put, what I would recommend is that governments strictly outlaw the production of all weapons of mass destruction, from nuclear bombs to semi-automatic weapons, and to outlaw and/or strictly control the manufacturer of all other weapons. All one needs to do is to examine the violent crime record of countries where weapons are outlawed (Japan, Germany) versus those where it is legal (USA) to see what is evident: those places where there are tight controls have less violent crime. I have no statistics in front of me to substantiate these statements. Yet I feel I do not need to have any, because the truth must lie in this direction by axiom. That is, how can there be violent crimes without opportunity to commit them?
[!!!]

I guess I, like many people, suffer from a sense that the problems of our human world are overwhelming. It is not the fact that they are overwhelming that makes me depressed, it is the fact that as things stand today, I have virtually no influence or ability to further my own concepts, nor am I ever likely to. The only perception that has been a small comfort as of late is that when I went to Tokyo recently, I marveled (after seeing some photographs of the destruction of Tokyo during the way circa 1945) at how the Japanese could have built such an enormous city in the space of fifty years. It made me realize the fact that an incredible amount of productivity and change can occur in the net fifty years, and that if I lived to 90 years of age, perhaps I could witness the type of change I desire..

But there is another topic which is troubling me greatly, and that is the change in my relationship with Amy. I feel like Amy is my mother as well as my lover. And I feel, almost with a similar sense of abandonment that I (however unjustifiably) felt as a child with my mother. It revolves around the same topic, which I suspect, though I cannot prove, was the cause of those feelings at the time. My mother had an affair with the man who was part of a couple that were mutual friends of my parents. My father, I suspect, had played around on my Mom, yet somehow, the impact was not the same. That is, though my father played around, he did not want the divorce, but when my mother played around, she did. This seems logical somehow in the (twisted, perhaps) context of our society. But nevertheless it seems to satisfy some difference in men and women, at least how I know them.

I admit that I have had many affairs since Amy and I were together, yet I love her all the more. It is a paradox, I understand. Yet now, I cannot stand the messages she is giving me. And it seems that her promise to tell me the truth if I ask for it has not been lived up to. I believe she has lied to me. She swears she has not, yet the mention of it to her (my distrust) sent her into a fury the last time I mentioned it (the day I left on this trip). She has been using euphemisms like “I am re-defining my love for you.’ This disturbs me greatly. I feel helpless, and I do not know what to do. It seems that she leaves me no choice but to seek out another ‘primary’ girlfriend. She even mentioned, the last item I was with her, questioning me, “So you want to spend every night with me?” I was shocked.

The implication here is that she is sleeping with someone else, and yet she is not saying that she is. She is saying things like, “I told you that I want to date,” and “I am not going to give up my friendship with Paul.” Somehow it seems that there is much more than meets the eye here.

It is not that I blame her, regardless of what she does, but I certainly do not like it, and I do feel I deserve her honesty, because ultimately, she knows virtually all of my own secrets.

She still asserts she loves me, and she says she wants to continue to be my lover, but meanwhile, I am forming theories about what is really going on. The basic sense I have is that she is no longer dependent (or at least not totally dependent) on me for ego-boosting, for love, for affection, for company and for support and friendship. I can look at that as good or bad. But the one thing I feel I want to know is the extent of what is going on with her. She is being unclear with me, so I feel that she is playing the field, and I am just being kept on the line for the time being until she solidifies something with someone else, or tried them on for size, or (maybe) decides to take me back.

I do not like the feelings of uncertainty, and it’s uncertainty which touches the core of my life.

I wonder what she is trying to do. Is she looking for a husband, or is she merely looking for a new boyfriend? I note that sometimes she smokes marijuana, and I think this has been a bad thing for her. She seems less under control, she seems harder to communicate with, more emotional, less kind. I even wonder sometimes now if I really would even like her to have my child. I told her that if she smokes marijuana, then she unfit to be a mother. I did not mean this to be a moral judgment, but I only wondered, especially given her age, how this might affect the fetus. This is compounded all the more by the question of whether she would have a baby within a year. What would I be getting myself into if I did have a child with her? Somehow, I feel the question need not be examined, because I feel that it probably will not come to pass.

I have mixed feelings about this. I love her very much. But why is it that I am pouring so much emotional energy into our relationship when she has been exhibiting behavior which is contrary to what made me love her in the first place? It seems like a question of timing to some extent. Every time I am ready to give her everything, she backs off. Yet what do I really mean by ‘give her everything?’ It seems in reality, no matter how romantic my intentions, my actions, and likely future actions will just simply not be what she wants. I was even surprised not long ago when she said, “I want a monogamous relationship and to get married before I have a child.” I wasn’t shocked because this is such an unusual idea or anything. I was just surprised by the way she said it, so affirmative, so sure of herself. It is not that being affirmative is bad, again, but it wasn’t in my experience to see Amy this way. I feel as if she is under someone else’s tutelage. Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing, but I question whether it is reflective of her real heart. This is the prime question I come to find out by writing. What is in the core of her heart? Is she in a reactive state? Does she still love me deep down? I have serious doubts whether she still is in love with me.

Yet I have another, opposing sense, and this is that I sense quite surely that she is in a state of pain avoidance. I feel as if she is trying to shore herself up in case I end up with Sandra. This would soften the blow. Maybe if she can be in love with someone else before this happens, she will not be the one to feel pain, she will salvage her ego, her self-respect and her self-confidence. How can I argue against such an effort? Only insofar as that it is a personal loss for me. I have been busy, perhaps too busy to really deeply get in contact with my own feelings. I am, in the back of my mind, getting ready for a great challenge: going to Antarctica. No matter how ‘pat’ this trip may seem to others, I always get nervous before such an expedition. This is especially so since I heard that there is black ice slopes to climb, and I am not that confident in my ability to do so successfully. Maybe, until this gets over, hopefully in February, I will not really be able to relax enough to sort things out. I think of Amy with her time deadline. That deadline of having a baby before her forty-first birthday. I do love her very much, no matter what, no matter if she hates me or loves me. And I do want her to be happy. It hurts to think that that happiness may be found with another man, but can I avoid that? Should I want anything less for her, especially given what an ‘unsure prospect’ I am? Even now, I cannot see how this will change. I cannot see how I can give her what she wants.

But this is in the context of the current situation. That is, this is during a time when she is not so in love with me. If she was in love with me, if she truly wanted a child and a family with me, I might very well find a way to make that room in my life. It is very difficulty to assess clearly in this circumstance, maybe no less for her than for me.

When I think of having a life with her, it makes me happy. I would wish to still have affairs. But I think I would love her dearly (even though she drives me crazy). She is still number one in my life. I guess that there is the question of whether I am even that to her (number one). As a man, being proud and egotistical and all, it is hard for me to even accept not just being ‘the only one’, let alone not being ‘number one’. But what am I to do if she does decide to date? I have the choice of dropping her. This seems so hard to do. Somehow, in the long run, I feel that this will not be my decision. I feel as if the decision has either already been made, or that the decision is likely to be forthcoming soon. This depressed me in a way.

I have faced so many breakups, and I know from experience that they are very seldom what they seem. I can laugh about Joy and about Phyllis now, even though a the time it really seemed so much like the end of the world. The beautiful things I found in them, it turned out, were also accompanied by some very serious liabilities. Also, I think that I had a tendency to overflow [about] their good qualities. Another important factor to be considered is that I myself was responsible for my perceptions of beauty. So, I did not realize that this beauty was in me. That is, I carried inside me the ability to see that beauty. Since that beauty is all over the world, since there was never and shall never be a shortage of it, there was never a reason to feel remorse. It was simply a matter of turning that inner quality outward again. This may seem a little impersonal, but actually it is the beautiful truth. It was something I learned in my visits to Dr. Dave Ross. I think he presented it as one way of looking at the situation with Joy. In my later thoughts, I found this to be a sound perspective.

Gain and loss. Another viewpoint of Ross’ is how he relates what he would attribute to Eastern Philosophy. Gain and loss is a part of life. We rejoice at gain and are sorrowful at loss. This parallel’s Lao Zi’s philosophy. Loss is painful, but it makes way for new gifts of life. On the other hand, gain is gratifying, but it also carries with it the burden of maintenance. Without maintenance, our gains are turned into loss. But in any event, it is all part of a cycle. In this sense, I should not be sorrowful if I lose Amy. I think this is a healthy attitude to start out with.
[!!!]

Then I feel conflicting emotions. If I fight against losing her, I feel at once at a disadvantage. But if I think in terms of supporting her, no matter what she does, then I feel at once a preservation of the original feeling that brought our love together. If this preservation is accomplished through the sincere origin of heartfelt good wished stemming from love, then it has the sense of pulling, as opposed to pushing. The pulling feels as if it comes from setting my own direction, and requires a minimum of energy. If I push to maintain “preservation” of our relationship, it feels as if it requires a lot of energy to maintain, and then it seems inevitable that it will fall.

I do not know how to describe the feeling I have exactly. It seems to me, somehow—though perceived through what sense I don’t know—that I have not quite yet pushed the line with Amy, despite all the mistakes I have made. I could be wrong, and I am resolved to accept whatever happens. There are outward signs of this although that in itself does not indicate that it is ‘not too late.’ I mean, she indicates she still wants to be my lover. As opposed to, say, then a woman says she wants ‘to be just friends.’ I have to keep repeating the point, however, that that situation also could arise soon and suddenly. As I sometimes say, things could always be worse.

When I shut down the computer for a minute and turn it back on, I look at the above paragraph, I see the following. I’m worried, I’m afraid of losing Amy, I love Amy.

I just watched Courage Under Fire and it made me cry. When a person cries because they are touched, it brings them in contact with their heart. This, and also I was thinking about the substance I just wrote above, brings me back to a simple point which is good when one is in doubt in these situations. I think that certainly one way to solve our problems is to solve the problems of those around us, and this could not be more pertinent an idea than when it comes to loved ones. Not that I have any easy answers, but I think to be sincere is a start.

I can easily say that if it wasn’t for the fact that I am quite afraid of the laws, the legal system, the bureaucracy of this country I live in, that I would have no hesitation to have a child with Amy. I would be happy to support this family, and to do what I could to look after it, to love my woman and child.

I can also honestly say that I don’t think it would be right for me to promise ‘fidelity’ in the sense that I would never sleep with another woman. I think that should happen naturally, not to be forced, not something to form a relationship around, not something to promise. I think love should transcend that, and love should also go deeper than that. Deeper than being dependent on sexual acts or the omission of them. This is the kind of love I feel for Amy.

It just occurred to me that I was facing, just hours ago, the prospect of this being the last time I would see Amy as a lover. Then just now I was facing the prospect of having Amy bear my child. I can honestly say the latter made me feel quite happy, to think of having a family with her. It occurred to me the sort of idea, that it doesn’t matter whether we win or lose, but how we play the game. It occurred to me, in this light, that if I approach this situation in the right way, to do so positively, to try to go after what I want, then even if I ‘lose’, in this sense, not get what I want, then I can go on now and later feeling positive about things, being proud of myself, feeling good about myself, having a clear mind and heart. But if I go about things poorly, if I don’t make clear in my mind what I want and go about it positively, if I let anger or jealousy cloud my judgment or if I let disappointment or hurt feelings sway me away from what I want, then I might be, for some time, confused and hurt, or even, I might fail to ever see the ‘right’ way to go about something.

Something Karl said yesterday left an indelible impression on my mind, because to some extent it stated concisely an endorsement for what I believe in anyway (but could never put it so convincingly). We were talking about the need to discuss things, and he was saying how important it was to have a thorough discussion about things. He said (something like), “It is better to discuss things two, three, four, or more times more than you need to than not to discuss it enough. There is no harm in discussing something too much.” This seems a truism. By going over and over something, it begins to be more and more clear. I like the endorsement for thoroughness.
[!!!]

I’d like to think of things like this with Amy too. That is, she and I have not really discussed things enough. In large part, I think that she has complained to me about this, and in general I think that my girlfriends have had this as a common complaint. That is not to say that discussing things will make everything O.K. (or especially in the sense of ‘O.K. automatically and without any additional effort’), but in a real sense, it probably cannot make matters worse.

The stewardesses on this flight are amongst the nicest of any I have known. One in particular was really nice to me. Even though she is much too old to attract me, still I wanted to note here that she touched my shirt at my belly because I had spilled coffee on it earlier, washed it and it was wet, and that I felt totally open to having her touch me. I felt that if she had wanted to have sex with me, I would have no problem letting her, or doing it with her, just because I found her so warm; it seemed it might even be exciting. This I found very interesting, particularly because I was not attracted to her on a physically level. So it sort of shocked me into realizing that charm is such a major factor in attraction.
[!!!]

(This morning Sandra said that the hair on the back of my head was thinning. This was a major shock to me, even though I myself cannot see it or feel it as such. Then, this thought made me feel that maybe I would still have hope! Even further, I thought later: rather than trying to cover it, I would just keep my hair short. It should not really matter too much, and there are other more important things.)

But this was accompanied by another thought as well. That is, the feeling she gave me (*despite her age), a special feeling of being admired, which reminds me now what it feels like to have a woman ‘in love’ or infatuated with me. And most importantly, I suddenly realize that my two main relationships right now, Amy and Sandra, do not make me feel this way. Both relationships seem to have more to do with keep me in line; perhaps it could be thought of as protecting their sovereign territory than it seems to have to do with loving me.

Even though I have kept track for a year about my experiences and the results I have achieved, still what makes me tick is a mystery to me. It is also a mystery what makes women tick. Amy and Sandra have alternately made me feel very turned on or just kind of blah. Lately Sandra has not seemed so excited or exciting sexually, but a few months ago, she was very exciting to be with.

On the other hand, there was a time when having sex with Amy did not seem so exciting, but now it seems very, very exciting. I enjoy it with her immensely. She gives me great orgasms, whereas with Sandra, my orgasms are generally anti-climatic. I can feel her (Sandra) squeeze me, at the end, but it does not seem to put pressure in the right way. Anyway, this part of my experience seems to point to the idea that it would be good to keep having new relationships. That is, in a new relationship, the woman seems to be more wholeheartedly accepting of me. For instance, Sandra would tell me that she did not care if I was sleeping or in love with Amy, as long as I loved her. But later, she changed into being extremely protective of me. It kills my love and my feelings to some extent, because I am looking for the feeling of unconditional desire. That is, I want to feel I am wanted at all costs, not just as a convenience or something to be tolerated and occasionally loved. This is how it is getting to feel. This in itself is an endorsement to tell a woman as little as possible about other women. I am not saying this is the right way, but as an isolated item it is a point which might contain some truth.

Then, there is Sandra. She is staying on in Austria. She is very lucky but she doesn’t know it. I am hoping that she will stay in my life, even though the flame seems to have diminished. I believe it is still temporary.

My dream of having two women in the same house is not an easy task to fulfill. Amy and Sandra don’t even like each other, Oddly enough, the fact that Sandra has been prohibited from entering the USA has really changed the outcome of things. It is quite likely that if she was allowed back in in July, things would be considerably different. For one thing, I would have probably invited both Amy and Sandra to Russia. Amy probably would have felt differently about the situation. What happened is that I essentially reneged on my promise to take her to Russia. And this I think had a dramatic effect on her feelings.

I sometimes think of the day I found Amy in her dining room, sitting on the floor hugging a pillow. She was so hurt and sad, I really felt very, very badly. At the time I felt compelled to let Sandra live with me, compelled by my own sense of how important she was to me. But in a way, I gave up my right to keep Amy openly in my life. I do not think it was so much that I thought Sandra wouldn’t hand around, but it was that at that point, I feared Sandra sleeping with someone else, something I was afraid that keeping Amy openly in my life would push her into.

In a short time, I will land in Atlanta, where Amy is having a conference. Yesterday morning, I awoke at 5:30 a.m. and I went outside to call Amy. She said she had just heard the message I had left for her Thursday night her time, when I thought she wasn’t home and I had said ‘I can’t handle it.” I had warned her when I had reached her a few minutes later that I was in a bad mood when I left the message, but she remarked on it yesterday morning as if I had not dissuaded her from ‘feeling’ about it just the same. She complained about the message and told me she felt that she was obligated to be there whenever I called and if I wasn’t that I would be mad at her. I felt, by essentially saying that I was putting her in a box, that she was putting me in a box. The conversation did not progress well at that point. Though she was being somewhat reasonable by telling me that I do not have to feel obligated to call her every day, I took it personally as a sign of her distance from me. She is harder to talk to these days, and tends to get emotional when I challenge her on anything. I do not think it was her intention, but I felt so hurt that I felt, after getting off of the phone, that I might as well not call her anymore. It was just a feeling, but it was a reactive feeling to what I felt were her hurtful words.

I have not written about this last week at all (I know I am jumping around). We spent four nights in Munich, and went to Oktoberfest on Sunday (having arrived on Friday night). Sandra and I stayed in the heart of Munich. Sandra, Karl, Antje and I went to the gallery where I purchased the stone ax I had seen last month. The weather was mostly gray and cloudy. We went to Karl’s house a couple of times and Karl and I had some good discussions there. A continuation of delicious dinners. Antje prepared lunch. On Wednesday, we had a meeting with TI and then we (Karl, Sandra and I) flew to Stockholm. It was late when we arrived and we found a good restaurant downtown that stayed open till midnight, so we got a good meal. We stayed at the Reisen Hotel in the old city. It was really magnificent there, near the water. We walked back in the cold night to the hotel. The next day Sandra was sick and stayed in our suite, and Karl and I went to see Mitel and later to Ericsson, The visit was good but I felt tired.

In the evening, we ate at the hotel. It was a good meal but I was beginning to feel guilty because I did not exercise enough. Sandra and I watched the first half of the movie we saw the second half of last night. (Copy Cat).

The next morning I awoke so late that Karl left the hotel before us. I rushed and would have made the plane but for the fact that I had left my passport in a drawer in the room. I do not think it was really my doing - I think the cleaning lady had put it in the drawer and therefore I didn’t see it when I packed and assumed it was in my luggage. Sandra and I had to take a plane via Vienna, but they gave away one of our seats to Munich and Karl arranged for us to go to Innsbruck where he picked us up. By this time it was about 4 p.m. and I was in a thoroughly bad mood, exacerbated by the fact that they had also lost two of our three bags! I felt horrible physically and emotionally.

We went to get a beer, walking through the old city, which was thoroughly magnificent, and then to buy some running shoes for me since mine were in my lost luggage. Later we went for a great coffee. Karl (and Sandra) were such good company that I started to feel better. I ran part way back to the car. Then we drove in the dark to his house in Hart.

Sandra and I had a rather rushed departure, and I was sort of pre-occupied with Amy. It is funny that when someone treats you badly, sometimes you think about them more.
[!!!]

….

I got to Atlanta feeling sort of depressed.

When I got to Atlanta, I took a cab to the Peachtree Conference Center, When I saw Amy, I just asked her if she’d been sleeping with someone, I told her I could feel it , she admitted it. Of course I felt hurt, but I ‘knew’ it anyway so it was kind of a relief. We made love, which was really, really great. I reminded Amy that before I had left on the last trip she had suggested I could just drop Sandra. I told her that Sandra was out of the country for at least 7 months. I pointed out that under the current circumstances that I would be completely alone. She asked if (’just’) having someone was so important , but I think that she understood my point. I told her that I would support her no matter what her decision, but that I could not live that way. I told her under the circumstances that I was preoccupied and that I couldn’t function normally. She had to go to dinner at 7:30.

I went for a run but it was too dark, and I thought about things. I came up with a few ideas. I considered that I should just let her go, that I should seek out a new “primary” girlfriend. I called Mom and asked her if I should feel less of a man for accepting Amy under the circumstances and she said of course not.

I called Amber and expressed my dissatisfaction with her every time she said she could be (only) my friend She told me that she would be there for me when she came home, that she had never considered otherwise. I began to tell her that was not so (she’d indicated last week that she might not always be there for me) but then I stopped and said that if she said so, then it must be so.

We [Amy and I] made love twice more in the evening. It was really wonderful. I was surprised how much she re-affirmed our love. I wondered if she had noticed that I had said that Sandra would be gone for a long time. We made an agreement that what was needed was to do a lot of talking. By the end of the night she was asking if I could give up all my girlfriends. I should note that she said she was on her period so I came inside of her, but I note now that she is (according to this record) only on day 20.

15 TUE San Francisco

16 WED San Francisco
Thursday October 17, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, Amy

Tonight I saw Amber for the first time in months. We kissed. Before we left I asked her to jack me off. She protested but agreed to do it a last time. When I was almost coming, she became distracted to and it ruined the moment for me. Thereafter, she refused to do it again, which left me feeling frustrated. I feel torn by her ‘bowing out’ of our relationship. She will still tell me that I am the only man she ever really loved, but at the same time she refuses to continue the way we were. I feel this is quite a loss. I even threatened to tell Jack but she seemed unmoved, saying that her marriage was unimportant to her (but still maintaining that because of it, she could not get
physically involved with me).

18 FRI San Francisco
19 SAT San Francisco
20 SUN San Francisco
October 21, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, So-Young

Today, I had an exciting meeting. I was coming from the Chinese embassy on the way to ‘The Good Guys’ Van Ness store, when I noticed a young Asian woman standing on the sidewalk waiting for a bus. I admired her and thought seconds later that the only real chance I would ever have with her is if I responded immediately by parking. I did and I hurried to stand next to her at the bus stop. I opted to ride the bus. When she got off, I asked her where Tower Records was. It was good because it happened to be right up the block on her way to her school. I told her she looked beautiful. It was the second thing I ever said to her. She smiled a broad smile. The second time I asked her she agreed to let me call her (the first I think she did not understand). She gave me her phone number. I told her I was going to Korea tomorrow. I then asked her [what was] her nationality. She was Korean, coincidentally. I told her I would call her tonight or next Wednesday when I returned. I called her that night. It was a very nice conversation. I told her I would call her when I returned. I liked her a lot. In fact, when I observed her on the bus, I decided that I loved her. Recognition of this feeling was important to my approach and sense of ease when I asked her if I could call her. I did feel at ease. I felt such a nice energy between us. This whole endeavor was somewhat in response to feeling the need to branch out on my own since Amy’s devotion seems questionable.

Tuesday October 22, 1996
en route to Seoul

Haruka, Amy, Sandra

In the morning before I left, Amy and I had a quicky. I always feel a little guilty when Amy brings me to the airport, but I always also feel thankful and attached. I had to sneak in a last second call to Sandra before boarding. (I first called my dear grandmother).

I am neither happy nor unhappy. Does anybody out there care? Probably a few and then not that much, except for maybe very few. And if some of those few knew (those women who I love who do not know the truth about the other women) about the truth, they would probably stop caring in a hurry. It is one of my dilemmas. Why do I write if no one will ever look at it? It seems I cannot have what I want. What I want is to have, for example, millions of women. But no matter how successful I am in this regard, I will probably never have as many as some people, some famous people. I want respect, but when I consider the people that accomplish like I would like to accomplish, still I do not have the amount of respect for them that I would like to receive if I accomplished anywhere near what they have. A paradox.

I need a change in my life. This is what I feel. I feel I am driven on and a prisoner of my goals. On one hand, I want a lot of women, but maintaining them is difficult, requires much effort on my part and considerable lying. What a shame. Here a change is definitely needed. If only I could maintain what I have and be completely honest. It seems the leap that I have to make is a theme that my counselor, Dave Ross, has mentioned many times: to overcome the fear of loss, otherwise you will be continually controlled by it, instead of in control of it. This takes many forms in my life and is certainly an operative psychological dynamic. For example, I want a beautiful woman in San Francisco, but my need for a central figure in my love life (Amy), driven primarily by my fear of being alone, my fear of being without a woman every night, prevents me from giving her up. It is noteworthy that this is not the only mechanism at work. There is also the love I have for her. And the sense that I should not just discard one woman merely because I want another.

Yesterday I met a girl named Pauline in the streets of San Francisco. I am excited by this meeting. I am excited by this girl. Refer to 100 Women Direct for complete details (and/or I will insert story from it below).

As I said, I need a change. There are a few driving forces in my life at the moment. One is work. The other is the upcoming trip to Antarctica. I am afraid by this trip and excited by it. I truly think it will probably be one of the greatest experiences of my life. Sometimes spending a lot of money facilitates doing the unusual, but then again there are equally wondrous things for free. ( I think of making love to Pauline.)

I am troubled by my grandmother’s health. I feel poor insofar as that I am so short of time that I have not made satisfactory amounts of time to tend to her needs; I feel poor insofar as that I have not created a better home for her to be in. I wonder: if I really applied my mind to this, could I not do it? I see her health deteriorating in her voice. I feel the impotence of wondering why my mother doesn’t take the time out for her mother and change her life. Who am I to judge if I do not do as I wish other’s to do? Certainly I should thank my Uncle Bob for spending so much time with her.

Amy is a big trouble for me. I do love her but the recent events have sucked the love out of me. I am terminally a jealous person. I cannot find it within myself to willingly accept another man fucking one of my women, no matter how many women I have. This is anathema to me, probably to my own detriment. And yet I accept the fact that there are millions, nay billions, of women who love men other than me. In my unbridled innermost sanctum of “testerostic” machismo, shouldn’t I feel that all should love me and only me? Though clearly ridiculous as a notion, still it is explicatory of this sense of conquering and unchallenged authority. Enough of this.

It is hard even to admit in the privacy of this journal that Amy admits she had sex twice with this new friend she met. She says that while I am gone this time she will “be a good girl.” But I only marginally trust her, and I wonder even why I should care. I love Amy a lot but when that sense of utter loyalty departs, I lose interest very rapidly. I admit this is hypocritical, but hypocrisy proliferates, thrives and dominates nature, including yours and mine alike, and anyone that says it does not, then, welcome to the world of which I speak!

I would like to have a new girlfriend in San Francisco. As I said to Amy, a new girlfriend might be completely faithful to me, without the complications of knowing what I do abroad. I might be able to keep things going for some time, and in a way, an ideal life, but then again I know this is very difficult: that is, to have someone as “there” (i.e., always available) as Amy, around the house, yet not knowing (after sundry phone calls late at night) what my life is really like.

I consider how enjoyable it would be to, for example, simply have one girlfriend like Sandra. I think that Phyllis ruined this (rather, the way I was with Phyllis ruined this) for me forever. I was totally faithful to her and ended up feeling incredibly vulnerable when she left. Partly consciously, partly unconsciously, I vowed to never let myself get into this type of position again. I tend to be the type of person to want an abundance of things rather than a few. I think this is a habit rather than an axiom of my life. For e.g., I will pull more literature from my briefcase than I need for [flight] takeoff, because I don’t want to be bored at any moment. Yet it will clutter my area. I seem to mind this less than being in a position where I do not have enough.

I called my Dad a few days ago. I was really surprised by the fact that he agreed to have a beer with me and even to let me come into his house to have one. I would suppose he would infer from the very fact that I called to ask if he wanted to get a beer that I do not want to hurt him business-wise. I just want to protect ATS.

Business seems to be going well, but it also requires a lot of my energy. It is simultaneously feeling a little out of control. I feel we need a: i) financial manager, ii) computer programmer and iii) manufacturing manager in order to round out our team.

I said earlier that I feel need a change. One of environment. Two of lifestyle. I feel it would be most healthy and life-inducing to get out of this way of life and really relish each day. I feel it is possible, but I need to understand myself more and change what my day consists of. It is like doing the experiment on myself that I think government should do for the people. I should analyze what I would consider the ideal day and then try to create it once, then structure it so that it can be created over and over. Variety is necessary, so there should be an ideal week, month, year.

The ideal day would often involve having a lot of sex with very desirable partners, preferably sometimes two or three.

I would have some mountains nearby, where I could wander and enjoy the natural beauty. I would have the beach nearby where I could enjoy the water, swimming, etc. I would have time to contemplate, and to write. I would have some friends to talk things over with. I would have something spiritual in my life—this I don’t know exactly how to describe, but it would be something that would be mysterious. I like the idea of mystery in my life. I would want to have special attention paid to my body and to how to get the most out of it. Could it be acupressure, or a special regimen, or a special diet?

I will lay out some goals of a sort:
i) to make love every day with …. [here I described my ideal female].
ii) to discover something unknown to me about how to make myself feel incredible pleasure sexually
iii) to travel in a place that is completely foreign to me
iv) to sail
v) to find several absolutely gorgeous women that want to be only with me at the same time as each other
vi) to find a regimen (diet, exercise, etc.) and psychology that optimizes my sexuality

I want to take the first item first and analyze it.

[rest of entry omitted]
.
Wednesday October 23, 1996
[L]

Sandra, Amy

I arrived in Seoul about 5 p.m. and I met Haruka in the baggage claim area as agreed. It was nice to see her. After a long bus ride through rush hour traffic, we were met in the lobby by Manny, whom I had called at the airport. I made love to Haruka quickly before dinner, because I did not want to wait all the way through. I did not really like it so rushed. Dinner with Manny was pretty fun. He made me laugh with his story of his studies in Germany, how at his work they offered a lower wage in compensation for the excess sausage and beer. He said when he left he vowed he’d never have it again, but within four days he was missing it. Also: anecdote of what his father said about people who can learn. A guy that learns from other’s mistakes is a genius, from his own is a smart guy, who never learns from either is a normal guy, who never tried to learn, an idiot. After dinner, Haruka and I retired. (Still I had to get away to make my calls to Sandra and Amy). Later Haruka and I made love again. It was better but still not adequate to my way of thinking.
.
Thursday October 24, 1996
Seoul
[L] [F]

Sandra, Amy

Today I awoke with Haruka, went for a run, met Ki downstairs, then had a meeting, then took a taxi to Cheung-ju to LG. The meeting was cancelled. On my way back by myself, I was shocked by the taxi being rear-ended. The truck tried to pull a hit and run! We chased him, and between myself and the poor taxi driver, we held the drunken driver at bay in his small cab until the police arrived. I believe he was arrested. I got back too late for a good meal, and Haru and I were relegated to the Peninsula Coffee Shop for dinner. This was dismal. Later we returned to the room and made love. I do not remember anything particularly exciting this trip with Haru. What I do remember is that I wish she would stop making those silly bedroom noises. I find her noises distracting. It always sounds like she is protesting, but if I stop and ask her in the past, she indicates that they are sounds of enjoyment. Throughout theses days, I sneak in phone calls to Sandra and Amy when I can.
.
Friday October 25, 1996
Seoul
[L] [F]

Sandra, Amy

I had to wake up early to get to the LG meeting. To my surprise Ki Sohn showed up in the lobby and we went together. We were sort of snubbed by the man we went to see, but at least Ki and I cut it up a little, teasing each other and joking in a lighthearted manner there and on the way back. He lectured me on the way there why I should get married. I felt a little sad when he commented on how proud he was that he was the only man his wife ever had. Then again I simultaneously was aware of the pitfalls of this kind of pride. In the evening, Ki and I had dinner with Haruka in the hotel Japanese restaurant. Ki ordered a $250 sushi dish and I paid. He said that when Korean guests came to town, it was a minimum $1000 per guest for entertainment (often at gentleman’s clubs).

After dinner, Haruka and I went to our room. The room was hot and we asked to change and in the meantime I got a message that So-Young would call me back at 11. I tried to time it so that she would call the room after we had changed but while I tarried behind in the original room. I even called the operator to let her know where to direct the call. I did not receive the call, so I went to our new room. Haruka handed me the phone. So it was totally awkward, but I faked the call. I was able without saying to make a date with So-Young for 40 minutes later. I told Haruka ‘it was Howard’s wife’ and then I faked a run, getting her out of eye-shot of the door and scooting my clothes out of the room, going up and changing and then meeting So-Young in the lobby. She looked sexy. She was reluctant to go to my room for a drink, but I got her there anyway, but it was too hot, so we went to the second floor where there were some seats in the lobby. She was standoffish to my approaches but I was coy and intermittent with my touches, and when we stood up to go, I hugged her several times, and I felt energy there. We said goodnight, and I returned to a sleeping Haruka. If my memory is correct, we made love. .

Saturday October 26, 1996
Shanghai
[L]

Sandra, Amy

I awoke and had a breakfast meeting with Ki and Mr. Sun about our representative relationship.

There wasn’t time to make love to Haruka before we left, and besides, I was thinking of saving myself for Mei. I was excited to see Mei. After the meeting, Haruka and I had to sort of rush to the airport, and thanks to light traffic, we barely made it. We flew to Tokyo and had lunch and then we said goodbye, but before we did, she sort of broke down. At the end, it seemed like kind of an unconscious acting job on her part, which makes me question her sincerity. First she stood among the shops and started to cry. She said she saw a baby and it reminded her of the one she lost. I felt genuinely sorry for her and tried to console her. Then she mentioned how she had lost her job and her baby, that if she didn’t have her job, at least she had wanted the baby. I had been under the impression she quit her job (because she had used the word ‘quit’) but now I found out that when she had felt ill, she had missed time, and she had been fired. This led her to tell me that she had borrowed money for English lessons for two years, and she could not pay back the debt. This was another surprise, and then it seemed that the subject has turned to money. I consoled her as best I could. She would not accept the $100 I offered her there. I said good bye and told her I would have to call her and I could send the money. But my heart was not in it. I did not feel right about the interchange. I said goodbye, trying to cheer her up.

In the immigration line I started talking with a beautiful Japanese woman, Mia, who lives in San Mateo. She was four months married, which put the kibosh on my immediate thoughts. But I left her my card anyway. I flew to Shanghai and met Mei in the lobby. She had cut her hair. Disappointment. We went to the room and shortly thereafter made love. It was sort of perfunctorily perfect, but I did not really enjoy it. As usual, she said, “Quickly.” I did not like this, but tried to respond to this request. If my sensation does not dictate “quickly,” if the pleasure is only one way, then it seems almost meaningless.

I have to go down the to lobby to call Sandra and Amy. I hate this kind of subterfuge.

.
Sunday October 27, 1996
Shanghai
[L]

Sandra, Amy

Today was another in a series of sort of tormenting times. With the undercurrent of the crisis with Amy and the difficulty of keeping Sandra from feeling abandoned, I dealt with another ‘woman change’ today. I woke up with Mei and made love. After lunch, I had to sort of coax her into making love again. This time was more sensuous, and I enjoyed it more. She seemed to as well. But in the afternoon I took her shopping at her request. After, I bought her a handbag for $100 and received a warm thank you. Then she wanted to look somewhere else but would not say what for. It turned out that it was for the old cell phone again, and I disappointed her again. As predictable, she accused me of having lied to her a year ago, and then I accused her of wanting me for money.

I explained to her her own role in not getting the phone. (I had entrusted money to her for it which she had spent elsewhere.) But she is like a child in this way. I cannot understand the stupidity, really. If she had only appeared not greedy (and had not spent the seed money), I would have bought the phone for her a long time ago. She said she wanted to stay with me but not to make love with me that night, which paralleled my own thoughts. Especially disconcerting was her refusal to give me her new address, on the specious grounds that there was no use anymore. I told her I preferred her to leave if she did not want to make love with me.

I called Laura moments after she left. Laura came straightaway from her house, but in the meantime Mei called. She said she left a note but I did not notice until later. I was afraid she would ask to come back but she did not. She said she was sad. I said maybe next time things would clear up. I indicated I would still like to see her.

When Laura came, I got the good loving that I was looking for. I only wish I was more attracted aesthetically to her. She is sexually attractive to me, however. And I think she is considerably better a lover than Mei. I think Mei is more beautiful, though Mei is developing some hard lines and hard eyes. Both women have cut their gorgeous hair to just beyond shoulder length, which is a disappointment to me. Another reason I lost interest in Mei was that she refuses to let me photograph her in the nude.
.
Monday October 28, 1996
Shanghai
[L]

Sandra, Amy

Today was also a problem. It started out O.K. In the morning, I went out to a meeting at Shanghai. Hua Hong Micro. Laura found my hotel “passport” that stated I had arrived on Saturday night. She also called the front desk and they confirmed my time of arrival on Saturday night. When I returned, I could just read her face like a book, and I knew she knew something. We took a taxi to the JC Mandarin for lunch and she told me. She surprised me by making the (correct) deduction of my having two women in Shanghai. I denied. She really surprised me by saying that she could understand my having one woman based in the USA, one in Europe, one in Japan (all true). She was very matter of fact, and sincere, and she went on to say that she was loyal to me the whole time, despite the fact that her parents and friends and co-workers urged her to get a local boyfriend.

I am very impressed that she said all this without trying to make me feel guilty. When we returned, as I said, we made excellent loving. We slept, and when I awoke, I was quite ill in the stomach. The rest of the evening was spent with diarrhea and vomiting. I made my calls to Sandra and Amy. The calls to Sandra feel somewhat obligatory, but that does not mean that I don’t need to hear her voice. I do, but I can understand how obligation can cloud one’s sense of being in touch with their own feelings.

.
Tuesday October 29, 1996
Shanghai
[L] [S]

Today was sort of miserable. I am really feeling sort of lost as to do with my life. My illness (of food poisoning) is only minor compared to my emotional ills. I realize that there is such a deep emptiness in my life. As I see it, there are basically two choices in this. One is much easier than the other. One involves merely pleasing myself. I am a good wanderer and forgetter of the greater world. I can marvel at the sky and be happy. The other is, to be responsible’ to my feelings about the doom for mankind’s progress. An example of this can be found in any copy of the China Daily. It is downright scary. I feel so helpless against the tide of humanity. I wish I could just admire it. But there are too many ills and hypocrisies. Also, my personal life makes me feel like a fugitive. I am quite tired of that. I want to be free, and open. I should not put myself in a position of having to hide (from one woman to the next). Today was largely a lost day. I slept a lot and managed to make love twice to Laura, even though I was not nearly at my best. Her breath is disturbing, but since I see her so little, I thought it would be useless to mention. I called Sandra, and was in a fright since she kept noticing that I was not calling from my room.

In the evening, I finished dinner with Henry Lee before Laura returned to the room, so I called Sandra from the room, hoping that Laura would not walk in. It was somewhat hair-raising. I am sick of this kind of stuff! My fear of not keeping all the girls on the line is ridiculous. In a way, then, see, I love Amy all the more. I adore Sandra, still, though my feelings are incredibly compromised by the fact that she does not know my truth and accept me for it. Today Laura alluded more to my Saturday night. She said, good-naturedly, “I can’t forgive you for wasting one night, Saturday night, with another woman.”

Is it that she feels powerless that makes her accept what I have done, or is it because she is merely gentle and compliant. In a way, her other darker side of being difficult (that we all have) precipitated some loss of feeling on my part, but mostly it was probably a lot of other things, namely other women that really brought it on.

Another thing happened today. Laura also came across (am I sloppy!) the note that Mei had written to me. All over it said “Jeff (about 20 times)” and “love you many” and “sad (about 5 times).” Perhaps fortunately, when she questioned me, I received a business call, so I had time to absorb this. I later shrugged it off that it must be one of the women in the restaurant of the hotel. I said I told one of the women there that she was beautiful. Laura seemed to take it lightly, but I think the operative factor was that the note expressed sadness, as in rejection. Here was clear evidence of my lie. I think Laura knew that, but she did not nag me about it. Also, when I called Amy, she sounded happier to hear from me than anytime since Sandra appeared in our lives. I was disappointed at the end of the conversation when she asked if she could borrow $75K. (I know the reason.) Were these items related? One more note: I am rather tired of trying not to say ‘Sandra’ when I am addressing ‘Laura’.

October 30, 1996
San Francisco from Shanghai
[L]

Sandra, Amy

I admire Laura, but I could not bring myself to feel in love with her. I do love Laura in a way, but I am no longer in love with her.

Love is funny this way; I can barely see why I was in love with her, or if I do, it makes me feel that I was hard up to be in love with her. Yet she has wonderful qualities, intelligent and gentle. Unfortunately, she seems to have constant bad breath, so I do not want to kiss her. This is a major problem. I do love to fuck her though. I find her very willing and very sensuous. She is a wonderful lover. I again submit I love her gentility. I remind that she deduced that I had slept with another women the night before and yet she still continued to love me.

961030 En route to San Francisco from Shanghai via Tokyo
I don’t ever want to experience another week like this again. I am overwhelmed and living like fugitive in the world of women that inhabit my life. For awhile in June when Sandra first came, I felt strong enough to stand up and ask for what I really wanted at the time, which was the love of two women at once. Who is to say that I do not really love them both? But now, I have even lost the heart for that, and I do not know what I want.

Sandra being in Austria by herself to my knowledge has required in my own mind to be nurturing and to call her at least twice a day. This is not easy considering I have had different women in my own hotel room each night. Meanwhile, my dear Amy, having almost lost all faith in me, knows the current state of events, so my conversations with her are always tainted by the mutual realization of what my life is really like. I barely enjoy the experience at its best.

Being with Haruka wasn’t much fun. I really wanted to see So-Young, but as I felt confident that So-Young would not sleep with me, and since I did not want to be alone, I asked Haruka to come to Korea. Making love to Ha in the past has been off and on, but mostly I do not like the way she makes love. Sometimes in the past however I have enjoyed it, but I am bored with her. I am bored because of several reasons. She is a little bigger than before, we don’t have any real communication, and I have to hide most things from her, she is living under the false impression (created by me) that we are going to get married, and the way she moans—I find it distracting. I do however really admire her body, and I would like to photograph her. I find her shape exquisite. I think but for the photography, I would have an easier time letting go. Also, I worry about her feelings, and I feel some responsibility towards her and towards the women generally that I have caused to be in love with me.

Next, after Korea, came one night with Mei. She irritated me considerably. We made love but it was dull for me, for I do not feel her heart. I feel only her greed and her insensitivity. I sense that she is only with me to see what she can get from me. Her body is very unusual, with exceptionally large breasts for a Chinese woman, especially considering her fine figure in all other places, including her hip bones, her vaginal region, her shoulders, waist, etc. I would also love to photograph her, and I would love it if she really wanted to be a passionate lover, but she only wants to make love once or twice a day. Furthermore, and worse, she doesn’t want to be photographed. The second evening she got me to buy her a purse, but then she was afterwards after me to get her a cell phone again. She later said she wanted to stay with me that night but she did not want to make love with me. I wanted her to leave, for I thought of seeing Laura, whom I knew was a passionate lover.

I surprised Laura with my sudden presence, and she took the first opportunity and left her house, arriving at the hotel. The first lovemaking was wonderful and the second was fantastic. Then I came down with food poisoning and the rest of the stay was spent feeling nauseous. Furthermore, Laura seems to have bad smelling breath, which seems to have become chronic, to the point that I secretly shun kissing her. However, one good thing that can be said is that I truly admire her as a person. I feel the polar opposite as with Mei. That is, Laura seems to care less about money and all about love. I am touched by that, but still I do not feel I can do much for her, for though I appreciate her, I do not feel in love with her anymore. I think to feel in love is to want to shove your tongue down your partners throat and to want to drink of their every juice, to want to be around them a lot, to both admire their strengths and accept their weaknesses with compassion and understanding. That said is a lot, but it is what I see as real passionate involvement. I think perhaps that is only temporary, sometimes lasting only a few weeks. It is what I really enjoy. Real love can also be what I feel for Amy. I feel deeply attached. This attachment is unspeakable and un-seeable—the only way I can sense it is in my feeling, for which there are no words.
[!!!]

And in this whirlwind of bodies, what is really important? It is so important not to be alone to the extent that I wear out each day in fear of not being able to make the next phone call home without being found out? I am a liar, plainly put, and I use my lies as freely as needed, a currency of effect with free printing. Counterfeiting the truth is what it is. The punishment for being caught is negligible compared to enduring the lifestyle of constant deceit and hiding, which in itself is its own just reward and self-inflicted retribution.
[!!!]

I wish I could make myself listen. It is so clear to me that I need a change of lifestyle.

I know I can be happy, and I know there are activities and types of experiences which optimize my happiness.

I feel fortunate in a way: I have reached a level where money is not that important to me. This has taught me a great wisdom: the wealth we strive for is a poor substitute—and at times at odds ends—to true happiness. Now the only question is: how do I work with this knowledge?
[!!!]

I note that the last call I had to Amy, she answered the call as happy as I’d heard her in perhaps six months. I was dismayed, though I withhold judgment until I gather further information, that at the end of the call she asked me to lend her $75,000. It would be different if she had not slept with someone else recently and if she had remained loyal in her heart. It seems that she only makes it more difficult for me to arrive at the conclusion she would like to see. If she had remained true, I would unquestionably been happy to entertain the idea. Now I am feeling that she has decided in my favor because I am convenient.

My reader might ask, if my reader had read many of my diary entries, will I end up a happy man or a sad man? I note that because I seem to complain a lot, one might conclude against ultimate happiness. On the other hand, I consider that addressing the truth as it is, although at the time it might seem unhappy, probably has a greater probability of arriving ultimately at a happy result than merely being content with the way things are.

I have a couple of other things bothering me. One is that my grandmother seems to be growing weaker every week. I am disturbed both by the pain I imagine she is feeling and also by my own anticipation of loss. I love her truly and dearly, undoubtedly the most of anyone on earth. I miss her, and I wish somehow we could be living in the same home. I sometimes sense how fleeing [i.e. fleeting] and meaningless are my own activities, as if I am numb to the question of limited time. I am somewhat dumbfounded in the face of loss, in the face of time, in the face of my own limitations.

I also worry about my father, and about his mental and emotional state with regards to his own life and our relationship. I am both anticipating and fearing our proposed meeting, which I will attempt to initiate when I arrive home on Wednesday.

I am also unsettled about my new acquaintance with Pauline, the young Korean sculptress whom I met on the streets of San Francisco the other day. I want to call her and go out with her, and in this sense I wish I was alone and apart from Amy, so that I could fully enjoy the prospects and the anticipation. However, I know from past experience that Amy’s presence almost assures a half-hearted and cloaked attempt to have a new lover in San Francisco. Even though Amy has submitted to me that she is now all mine again and that she has told the man she slept with that she only wants to be ‘platonic friends’, still I cannot fail but to recognize that even as a platonic friend there is every potential for mutual investigation and future involvement on a deeper level. This mutual investigation would probably take place mostly when I was away, which, translated, means that when I was home, I would be expected to honor our relationship to the exclusion of my own ‘new platonic friends.’

Am I mostly unhappy with my life because of a sense of loss over Amy? I think that is only part of it. I think the general reason is that I seem to not have control of my life. If I had control over it, I would be doing different things. I would not be making calls two and three times a day to women abroad in order to maintain our relationship(s). I would not be flying to a different country several times in a week merely to make business appointments, with barely time to exercise, watch a movie, photograph, etc. I would, for example, decide I wanted to go to India to float down a river if I chose, for three weeks or a month. I would bike from Indian reservation to reservation in Arizona, or visit the Amazon, deep into the heart of it. But still there would be a rub. I still wonder: no matter how wonderful the photographs I would take, no matter what great works I could record, what good is any of it? Perhaps only the day to day enjoyment I would feel.

I sometimes wonder if I am not more disposed to favor ‘failure’ over ‘success’, since in the first instance ‘success’ is so tainted with other’s ideas of what this means, it is invalid as a concept to begin with. In the context of this paragraph, ‘failure’ allows a) time to wander, b) time to ponder, c) time to experiment, d) time to follow my heart without any ‘purpose’ other than following my heart, e) time to look up at the sky and marvel at the world, f) time to visit for long bouts with new friends and old, g) time to rediscover the city I live in as if it was a new and exciting place, h) time to step back and see the goings-on of my fellow humans for what I really think—to note the insanity of violence for what it really is—to note the insanity of war for what it really is—to note the insanity of holding forth high ideals as an excuse for low action—to note the destruction of our world for what it is (oblivious regression, not progress)—to see the gentle, true spirit of the good-hearted and ignorant ‘primitives’, i) time to learn without hurry, j) time to be thorough. Is success owning a Zegna suit or a Gucci bag? At the cost of the above? Why am I so hopelessly indebted to it? I thank tasting success only because it has taught me the benefits of ‘failure’ (as defined by popular consensus).
[!!!]
[!!!]
[!!!]

To continue, I wonder about my own role as the head of a (small) company. If I cannot manage the company with the same lack of hypocrisy and with the same sense of qualitative vision as I expect others to follow, how can I even begin to hope for a better human world? For example, auto pollution is a terrible blight of the modern age. Now that an electric car is available, how can I conscionably let mere financial consideration stand in the way of my trading in my internal combustion engine for this? Or, I have often written that I think politicians should preoccupy themselves with the study of what makes people (and animals and the environment—the mutual symbiosis of which is irrevocably tied in my opinion) happy and healthy. How then can I look myself in the mirror as the head of a company if I do not put that first in my priorities?
[!!!]

I wonder, feeling dismal about the reality of it, why not even one politician with the power to do so, does not stand up and put his or her foot down and prohibit pollution causing vehicles to run the streets. At least in the sense to make a program which will guarantee such a thing within a few years. It is certainly feasible now. It makes me seriously question the conviction of others. I see it in my own life. As one begins to be able to acquire those things one has long dreamed for, it is easy enough to fall into the trap as seeing self-fulfillment more fulfilling than mutual fulfillment.
[!!!]
[!!!]

If I could write a letter entitled “Dear World,” I would have plenty to say. I would write that, with regret, I had hoped to do something of good for the benefit of others, for the whole of humanity, but that I see that I am just not up to it. I do not speak their language (so to speak!), even if we share the same tongue. Though certainly not putting myself above the taxi driver in Shanghai, I would say that by necessity, his or her mind is rather wrapped up in getting the next fare. Or Mei, who wants a Chanel bag, would find this discussion irrelevant, since it does not relate to her world. It occurred to me that many, many people, all struggling for survival, also have not had the relative experience to understand the things of which I speak. City dwellers who have never visited the country cannot understand the benefits of clean air as well as a country person visiting the city for the first time. Therefore, it would seem necessary to educate people in a very broad sense in: a) the demography of the world populations, languages, customs and history, b) the geography of the world, c) the options as to lifestyles, d) the choices we have to make. This would bring people together in mind. For the answers are obvious to mutually enlightened people. It is clear for example that we cannot survive continual pollution: clean air is desirable and important. This type of truth is unequivocal. Who could argue that dirty air is better than clean air? Yet how can we blindfold ourselves to how badly we are polluting the atmosphere?
[!!!]

I feel frustrated and helpless, both in my personal life and in my place in the world. Maybe Amy’s request for $75,000 is a blessing. It would be nice to make her feel the love I really feel for her, particularly if this would induce her to be a good mother and wife and to ‘hold down the fort’ for me. She cannot understand from my actions how much I love her. She is looking at things from her standpoint, and I don’t think she considers in a strong way, how greatly I need the stability in order to move forward in proselytizing the views which I would hope to alter the course of mankind’s efforts. This seems like too grandiose a task, does it not? I had previously written years ago that I would like amass a fortune of $ 1 billion. But now, even though I am a quantum leap away from that, I see it as hopelessly inadequate. What is the total value of everything man holds dear? If everyone wished to be a millionaire, that would put the total value at 5.0 billion people x $ 1.0 million = $ 5 quintillion. This must be an outside bound.
[!!!]

I have to get my ‘house’ in order, even if that means dismantling it. I think of my friend Jon Muir, hiking out in the outback of Australia. I had to belly laugh when I read his observation that he was probably Australia’s most experienced salt-lake traveler, with the added note that as its only salt lake traveler that meant that he was also probably its most inexperienced. My mind drifts back to 1984 when my acquaintance Blimey in India talked about forming a country within a country in the center of Australia. I think he had been out there. Maybe I should go, just to see it. Maybe it would clear my head out, maybe with some good effect.

My main point in this entry is as follows:
No matter what I have ever seen anyone achieve, even the greatest of my ancestors: be it Muhammad, Shakespeare, Einstein, Gandhi, Edison, Pythagoras, Jesus, Lao Zi, or any other of the past’s great thinkers, it amazed me how insignificant their impact on making the human world grow up clean has been. What I mean by ‘clean’ is ‘right’, or ‘enduringly beautiful politically, socially and environmentally” or any of a thousand other definitions that could quantify my ‘feeling.’ For all my envy of authors and musicians, etc., I suspect that even though I reached the pinnacle of the literary or musical worlds, or even if I was one notch better than the best politician in the world, I would still find my position hopelessly inadequate in comparison to what it needed to be to ‘set things right’ as I see it. ‘Setting things right’ would include: a) taking from technology what we need from it: computing power, medicine, food growing power, telecommunications, and leaving the rest, b) vigorously defending the right to diversity in cultures without qualifying judgment and even promoting its existence, c) irrevocable accountability to the environment, d) promotion in every sense [of] the peaceful interaction of mankind with itself and its environment, to pervade every aspect of our lives, including the penal system, education, discipline, the work place, social order, relationships between divergent cultural and religious groups and e) clean power, perhaps the most important item.
[!!!]

Later….in Tokyo, Red Carpet Lounge, United Airlines,

I just missed my flight purposefully after making special pains to make it. I had a 7:30 p.m. flight originally and I changed it to a 4:10 p.m. flight. Now I am back on the 7:30 p.m. flight again. The reason? Because I called Amy and she was not there. I tried several times. I tried her cell phone, but it was out, and I tried her pager and left a note (9999) for her to turn on her cell phone, but she never turned it on. My last call was about 11:20 p.m. her time, and it seems she is out. I ‘feel’ she is out with this other man. She may claim she is out with her sister. I called Trish, her friend, and Trish suggested she might be at her sister’s, so I tried her sister Teri, but she did not answer. So, I had an option. Either I take the flight and wonder the whole flight if she spent the night out, or I wait three hours. If she is not home by 2:30 a.m. when the flight leaves, then I will assume she was not coming home. I know, diary, it seems that I am keeping tabs on her, but in essence I just want to know. If she continues to have this liaison, if I continue to worry, then it spells out very clearly for me the situation has gone beyond what I had expected. A change of feelings in me is inevitable. Yet I hate to make this kind of ultimatum. That is not what I want to do. But what I do want to do, I think I hinted at before.

If Amy is truly sincere about wanting to be a mother (of our child) and a wife (of mine), she should consider carefully what impact her actions will have on my ability to feel comfortable with that. I guess the same could be said of my actions, right diary? But if you will recall, eight months ago the status quo is that Amy said I could have my international girls and she would be my faithful girlfriend at home. The rhetorical question could be: why should I take less? This proposition intrigued me so much, I would have stayed with Amy for my whole life. I loved her dearly for the freedom she gave, without retribution, to me. There are two aspects to my displeasure. One is the physical part of her involvement. The other is that her heart is tied to it as well.

Regardless of whether I want to or not, I feel that if she continues in this, there will be some changes. One is that I do not see why she should be able to continue this relationship while I have no corresponding relationship at home. After all, San Francisco is my home, and despite however I may have forced her into this for her own sanity and protection, still her actions may force me into a similar behavior. I wouldn’t mind a ‘fall-back’ position as well should things not work out between her and I. Secondly, my feelings as to supporting her or taking her need for marriage and children will undoubtedly be changed. Again, diary, I do not want you to get me wrong. I would still consider having children with her. But I think her expectations are that I will treat her like a wife. To the extent that she does not make me feel she is my wife, how can I feel she is? I consider the irony that it is possible that at this exact moment she could be getting deeply involved to the extent that she would have lost any interest in me in this respect anyway.

I don’t want to be reactive, but on the other hand, I do want greater simplicity in my life. I love Amy dearly, and I realize I have put her in a compromising position in more than one way. Still, regardless of the past, we have to deal with the present. I feel sorry somewhat that the timing of things seems to have often worked against us. When I came back from Everest, I was so in love with her, yet it was at that exact moment that she slept with her old boyfriend (according to her account only once). Then, after the episode with Sandra, I think I would have gladly returned more significantly willing to make it up to her than ever before, but then this happened. There are other possibilities as well. One is that she may have done this sort of thing many times (or at least once more) without my knowledge. One thing I learned last year is that she is quite a convincing liar, until she is caught and challenged. I guess this has unseated my trust. I cannot imagine how she characterizes my current feelings as ‘revived’ (not her words but my paraphrase), as ‘newly found’, ‘rediscovered’ or any other description that portrays me as having forgotten her love and suddenly remembering it, or as having heretofore taken her for granted but now willing to drop everything for her. I think she is out of touch with what I am experiencing.

In the real picture, I would estimate that my love in some ways has diminished to half of what it was before, but it is sort of a delayed reaction, as are most things in life; and besides, I would maintain that my love for her before was so great, even half of that is very great as well. But in the present circumstance, some of my good faith with her is dissolving. I fear she has become a compulsive liar (like me). My last parenthetical statement should be qualified. When I write a ‘compulsive liar like me’, I don’t consider things equal, since in reality she knows pretty much everything I do, and when we have a heart-to-heart talk, I normally disclose all, or next to all.

However, in her case, I am wondering not so much whether her intention is to tell me the truth. I fear that in actuality it has gone beyond that: that is, I fear she is unable to verbalize her feelings and unable to tell me where she really stands because she herself is confused. She admits this at times. So whereas she more or less knows what my activities [are], down almost to the morsel, despite my previous cover-ups, I seriously question whether I know hers. I sometimes wonder if I will later find out she was deceiving me in ways that were much more significant than what I now know and that, if there was to be a breakup, I would later feel relieved that there was one.

It is odd, even in the case of Phyllis, whom I thought was so wonderful, and whom, when she left me, I felt as if I should never recover because I would never replace a woman so wonderful, over time, my feelings have changed to the extent that I am ever so glad that we did break up. Up until now, I have not found anything about Amy which would make me feel glad that this happened. But my other observation about myself (probably true of people in general) is that I cannot see things at the time. I cannot imagine even one woman with whom I am truly sorry to have broken up with. There are many I would have done things differently with, perhaps been more understanding or patient with or, on the other hand, perhaps been less tolerant of, but for the most part, I guess I am fatalistic about relationships. If they were right, they would have lasted—if the mutual strengths and weaknesses would have supported one another adequately, then the people would still be together. It is always hard to break up with someone you love.

….. Now it is 12:14 a.m. in San Francisco and Amy is not there. I cannot say that makes me feel good, and I can say the very fact that I am sitting here writing about her at this time seems to me an indication that my heart tells me exactly where she is. Although she claims the relationship is now platonic, my heart tells me that the woo-er is wooing and winning. That is what my heart says. My heart is not always right I will admit. But I think it is generally right, based on my experience.

I just left another message at Amy’s, about my 6th. I had the feeling that not only is she not coming home tonight, but that there have been many such nights. Not but a couple of weeks ago, I uncovered some writing of mine in which she had told me (when I was in Europe on the Elbrus trip) that she wanted me to call her no matter what hour. Since that time, she had changed her story dramatically but saying that she did not want me to call her after 11:00 or 11:30 p.m., ‘not too late’, since she needed her sleep. Maybe the real reason is that she knew she might not be there at those times.

There is even another, highly probable, situation. That is that Amy was extremely interested in this new guy, and that she did not know his level of interest, that he was not as interested and perhaps did not even call her at all or not much. She may have secretly preferred him or at least saw him as a highly probable candidate for marriage or at least a faithful lover (unlike me: can you blame her?, says the audience). Then, when he shows interest, she waivers in his direction. When he doesn’t, she waivers in mine. Maybe tonight he wanted to see her and she ran to him. Maybe (probably) that is where he is.

I think the turning point in this whole situation is when Sandra was in SF and Amy was so distraught, I encouraged her to tell her friends, in order to have someone to talk to about it, since I saw her dying emotionally under the weight of her untold, unshared sadness. I think I am experiencing the impact of that action, as her support group, mainly Trish, urges her to do things ‘for herself’.

I do not look forward to the coming hours, so far from home, unable to reach Amy, the wee hours coming on, feeling this wondering in my heart. I do not dread tomorrow, when I am home. I do not dread if Amy had slept again with this guy. In a way, it would probably be a relief, no matter how hard it might be to accept. If I lose Amy, I will be sad, for I do love her very much. On the other hand, I feel ready and willing to accept that. I also know I may not have a choice as to whether or not I accept that, but that is O.K., because somehow, deep inside, no matter how much I fear being alone, I can step aside if that is the case. Stepping aside is better than subjecting myself to this kind of doubt and uncertainty. I love her dearly. I feel sorry.

Later: 1:15 a.m. San Francisco time

As of about 12:40 a.m. SF time, I reached Amy. She said that she had been out with Pam. It is always Pam these days. It was Pam the night it wasn’t Pam, even. She is convincing. They went to see Vertigo, her and Pam. It seems that Amy has cut me down a few notches, but not completely at the knees.

I learned last year that the unraveled thread of faith does not mean it cannot be mended, but unraveled it is. The mending can bring a great understanding: that the unraveled thread can in fact be mended. This in itself was a profound realization.

I do not want to lose Amy. Part of my feeling is because of the recognition that she does tolerate to a large extent who I am. The great thing about this is the acceptance of who I am, the sense that someone loves you unconditionally. I would not want to lose that. I am willing to endure a lot from this woman. On the other hand, I hope not to compromise myself beyond what is healthy. I think she and I have to have a heart to heart talk. I do not know what to do. I do not know how to handle the situation, given that Sandra is also in my heart. The two women could learn to accept each other, or I may alternatively have to risk losing each. I am hoping for the best. I am admittedly stubborn, and once I make up my mind to doing something, I want to follow it through, though I hope not to the point of being self-destructive. I want to date Pauline, the Korean sculptress. That sounds romantic to me.

….. When I got home I had a message from Michiyo that she was in Tokyo. What a shame that I had missed her! If I had known I would have gotten off the plane there, and then my dream of seeing all my girls in one trip would have been realized.

…..I became extremely suspicious of Amy and convinced myself that she had cheated on me tonight. I don’t like to use the word cheated because that is not what it is.

Seeing Amy was great except for the beginning. When we laid down I told her that I did not know if I could ever get over it (her recent affair). She became livid and yelled at me and was about to leave. She was criticizing all my extra affairs. It occurred to me after awhile that maybe she misunderstood me. Maybe she thought I was telling her it would never work out between us. Then I spoke with her and she calmed considerably. Then afterwards, everything sorted itself out and we were happy. Making love was really great.

I was feeling a lot of pressure to call Sandra. I have to go downstairs, lock the door to my darkroom then go to the closet, close the door, then I can call (on my private line), to minimize the possibility that I will be found out.

31 THU San Francisco

November 1996

Friday November 1, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, Mei
I reached Mei today. She said that she would give me her address, to my surprise. After midnight I remembered to call Ed back to conference him in so he could translate, and he took her address down for me.

Saturday November 2, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, Haruka (broke up with me and then called back later and changed her mind)

Haruka called me and broke it off. Amy and I talked about it. No sooner than I was getting used to the idea that she called me back and changed her mind. I really hated the conversation and it put a lot of pressure on me. We “got back together.” Note this is normal for Haruka to do this. I mulled around the house doing filing, which was great. In the night I developed photos. I really thought the photos of Sandra were exquisite.

3 SUN San Francisco

Monday November 4, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, Nicole
I reached Nicole this morning. I was glad to hear that she still loved me. I told her I was coming for her birthday. In the evening I went out with Pauline, the young (22) Korean girl. I was thoroughly disappointed because there seemed to be no vibes coming from her to me. I told her that the first time she smiled I felt I was in love with her. She seemed unmoved (“but you don’t even know me”). I felt awkward and found myself backtracking on the point. She seemed uncomfortable. Meeting this morning on the roof deck, and it seems that maybe this week it will actually have work done on it. Some of the confusion has been sorted out.

Tuesday November 5, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, Pauline (not there left message)

On Amber: After Amber’s refusal to open up to me, etc. I decided it now cannot hurt to tell Jack. I called Jack to set up a time when I could tell him last week, and again tonight. He said we could talk Thursday. Amber is really frustrating me. I really miss our interludes in which she would usually make me orgasm with her mouth. It seems hopeless, but then again, I think one cannot be sure in this kind of situation that the woman is not wavering underneath a thick exterior. I believe that I got her to admit tonight that she is trying not to even think about it, because if she does open her mind to me, her heart might follow.

I called Pauline tonight and left a message but she did not call me back.

Wednesday November 6, 1996
San Francisco
[L] [F]

Sandra, Amber, tried Pauline (no answer)

I went to office, then Tak Sugama came by, we all had lunch. Meetings. New candidate there.

At night, Amy, during a conversation, that she had not even been in contact with that guy and maintained that she was totally mine again and devoted. She said she has made the decision on her own. She appears to be genuine. When I expressed my fear that she was only doing this because the other guy was not as interested, she said ‘he was quite interested.’ When I expressed my fear that she was only doing this for financial reasons, she teased me by agreeing, laughed and then reassured me. I tend to believe her. I can imagine that while it has crossed her mind (her security), still she does truly love me. She says that she decided on me because the other didn’t feel right, that she knows me and feels attached to me. Just as an ongoing thing,

I have talked to Amber a lot. She insists that what happened between us will not happen again. I just still do not feel right about what happened and I stubbornly refuse to let go of the idea of fucking her.

Thursday November 7 , 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, Pauline (who shut me down, called me back and said she felt tense, I felt disappointed), Amber, Nicole, Haruka

Tonight when Amy and I went to bed, she expressed her upset. I think it was a reaction to the fact that I was leaving. This is, I guess, to be expected. I left the bed and later came back and then she made love to me. By the way, as a general note, as indicated, the lovemaking between her and I has been wonderful.

On the subject of Amber, my planned meeting to tell Jack about my involvement with his wife did not happen. I forgot and got home late and he also did not call.

Friday November 8, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra, Amber, Nicole (already left work)

I was under an extreme time pressure today. I should ask myself: I got myself into this, why, and is it temporary, why am I so busy, am I really in control of my own life? I did not go to work. I spend time on the phone from the city. I called Sandra several times. In the morning, I was suspicious that she did not want me to stay at the “Apart-Hotel” where she is staying. She said there were no rooms, but when I called up, they said they had 25 rooms for Sunday only. Then she of course was angry that I was checking up on her. Later, we made up. I must have called her around 5 times today. The last few days I have been calling her at least four times. Part of it is my own insecurity and part of it is because I understand that she is (to my knowledge) all alone and it must be hard. I wonder how she spends her day. I felt almost sure she was lying. I try now to examine my innermost feelings, not just “evidence.” My innermost feelings don’t seem to indicate she is playing around. But her background is always a consideration (i.e., she was a p_______).

I feel very in love with Amy. I recognize my love for Amy as something deep. In the world of love, I feel vulnerable, like a wildebeest protecting his harem from ever encroaching competition, or like an animal in the forest protecting itself from predators. I guess this is one of the permanent conditions of life. We always have to fight to keep our health and what we have. I pushed the office to get the materials for my trip together. At 12:30 a.m. Saturday I checked the VHS tapes and found they were blank so Kenny had to redo them in the middle of the night and drop them over. I visited Gam. I wish I had more time to visit her. I am beginning to be afraid of Antarctica.

Saturday November 9, 1996
en route to Munich
[L]

Sandra, Amy

I am on my way to Munich. I feel a little irritable, mostly due to lack of sleep, since otherwise I feel relieved to have survived the last month (away from Sandra). I guess although I don’t worry much about her, still that is probably because I sense she is currently devoted to me, in love with me. When we fought yesterday, and I asked, “Do you want to break up?” and she said “O.K.,” I felt a faint sense of what it would be like to be without her. I felt that loss. I felt that feeling of how cute she is and how I would miss her body. Like “where would I find another girl with such a gorgeous little body and such a mind?” I have been under a lot of stress. A few times in the last half year, I have considered the mystery of death. It seemed so strange that I would someday not be here at all. I am supposed to arrive in the morning tomorrow, and Sandra is supposed to pick me up. I really do love Sandra and Amy. (I am also surprised how much I am looking forward to seeing Nicole.)

Sunday November 10, 1996
Munich
[L] [S]

2 hours from Munich

I will try to write quickly so that I can get a little sleep before I land. I don’t want Sandra to be too disappointed by me needing too much sleep, when this horny beautiful young lady has been alone for almost a month. (Or has she, is a question I always consider.)

To the extent that I type just to keep myself in touch with myself, then I think that it is worthwhile. In that sense then, there would be no reason to save these files. Yet I see them as a valuable record, at least to me they are important.

I am thoroughly convinced that my life is just way less than what it should be. I would love it if I could successfully complete the Seven Summits and turn my attention to something else, but I am fearing the climb, the more I learn about it. It does not seem so easy, 40 degrees, and it could be ice. That seems plenty dangerous to me. Or a crevasse. Or the ice fall that needs to be climbed. Or the weather. Even getting there. I am starting to get nervous, which maybe is good. No, probably it is good.

If I get through next January alive, I might be able to eke out a more enjoyable 97 than 96. 96 has been a good year in many ways, but it is terribly lacking in others.

I have sort of a stubbornness against what I see as the negative interference of law with natural tendencies which are harmless. On the other hand, although it seems that we are growing into a more repressive society, I still cannot help but recognize that in some cases (some significant cases), there is more enlightenment now than there existed within village and town customs in ‘the old days’ (any past history).

Note: the power of love stems a lot from truth. I need to continually reassess this whenever I begin to lose a grip on who I am and what is important.

The past month has been agonizingly busy for me. To the point I begin to question: what is it all for? I love being busy, but then it begins to take control of me rather than me of it.

I am the sort of person who makes a ten moves and eight mistakes, then I back up and try to get it right. I don’t know any other way. I dream of being the sort of individual who can clearly see the one important move in the ten and concentrate on executing it with finesse and confidence. I cannot see life that way. It is as if I am a blind man, bumping into the future, feeling it, then re-directing myself to the next direction, much like a very small insect will do when caught in the forest of my arm hairs. I go by feel. If it feels right, I trust it. If is makes me uncomfortable, I run away.
[!!!]

I note regarding my spreadsheets. My daily spreadsheets regarding sexuality and the other “indicators” of my life are usually of late only written in about once a week. Then I have to go back and recall what happened. It is difficult, and I cannot guarantee accuracy on the minute level; however, I feel pretty confident in the general sense about the frequency of sex, how much I enjoyed it, certainly who I was with, and some of the main items of note. Sometimes the days may be off as to when an even happened, but other than that, they more or less represent my life. I like the idea of doing such a spreadsheet, because it does something a diary cannot do: it itemizes on a daily basis certain events. If I did not have such a record, it would be difficult to have any degree of confidence of the fundamental goings-on in my life with respect to these indicators. That is, if I only wrote in my diary, I might talk about a lot of interesting things, but I might later be unable to pinpoint certain events with respect to time. I am finding these spreadsheets quite educational. I think that with them I am more aware of the trends in my life and able to draw conclusions about them. For example, while food and rest and exercise have a lot to do with my feelings of horniness, still it seems that the primary factor is love! This is a most interesting conclusion. If a woman really makes me feel loved, it is the ultimate turn on and can transcend all the other factors. On the other hand, if all the other factors are at optimum, an unloving partner can really be a turn-off. This would seem rather a normal response. Exercise stabilizes my moods and is very advisable when I begin to tend to an extreme of perspective.

In conjunction with a “stream-of-consciousness” diary, I think it yields a nice result.

Up until January 10, 1997, when I expect to be in Punta Arenas, Chile, I expect I will be quite busy. I plan to be home on the 22nd of November. If Sandra comes to Vancouver, then that reduces the incentive to go to Europe. On the other hand, I will be surprised if she does not attempt to enter the United States. (Nicole is also talking of same.) How I will handle this is still a question mark. I wonder what is the right thing to do. Still I know myself well enough that I do not expect that I will volunteer information that will make things blow up. There seems to be an implication in my behavior that I believe that it is always better to postpone the truth in matters of the heart when it would risk extreme unpleasantness to divulge it. On the other hand, it is better to tell the truth when the situation demands it, rather than insultingly try to keep it from someone who is suffering from suspicion, particularly when they have reason to believe.

Monday November 11, 1996
Munich
[L]

I think the most notable thing that is occurring in this vein today is that Sandra’s upset over not having an orgasm drives me into a feeling of being unable to really assert myself in the way that I like to feel. Her argument is that I don’t care, and it makes me in turn feel less loved. This has an effect on my psyche. It could be said that a woman who can easily orgasm and who is devoted and pleasing sexually can provide the greatest degree of confidence and general feeling of well being.
12 TUE Hotel Traube, Munich (?)

Wednesday November 13, 1996
Kommen
[L] [F]

I was reminded of Gabrielle today from reading [a] 12-year old journal and I felt hurt. It brought back all the pain and feelings of insecurity. It seemed so odd, because I had remembered it only as she loving me a lot; while that was true probably, still there was another side to it. This morning I called Amy and then went running in the wet and the dark. In the room I did exercise. We ate breakfast and drove to M+W to meet Ralf Schmidt. After we visited FM and then had a great lunch with them (Thomas Liedemer and associates).

Thursday November 14, 1996
Randersacker am Main bei Wurzburg, Hotel Gastof Baren
[L] [F]

In the early morning I got up and ran. Actually, I stood at a pay phone and called Amy. She talked for a half an hour with me. At the end of that, I went running. It was really awesome: the village of Kommens. There was a lot of old architecture. I came back, did my exercise and then we had breakfast with Karl. I drove to Eindhoven (maximum speed approximately 180 kph), we met with Crystal [Engineering]. We showed the PPs tape. I think this tape may have great effect on the market. We drove back to Germany and made it just in time for a great dinner in a village hotel at 9:15 p.m. Sandra and I retired and made love.

Friday November 15, 1996
Munich
[L] [F]

This was a good day. Things are O.K. It is interesting that re-reading 1984 journal has affected me so much (about my jealousy with Gabrielle over her affair - at the time she was barely even my girlfriend). I think it is good though in a way. Amy has been very sweet on the telephone. I really, really appreciate it. I worry over what will happen the day Sandra is able to come to the United States. I do not know what I will do. (Find a third girlfriend that I prefer over both Amy and Sandra?)

We drove into Munich. There is snow on the ground everywhere. Meeting at Siemens. After we drive to Fugen, Austria, have dinner and drive to their house where Antje (Karl’s wife) awaits. Karl and I talk till 11 p.m.

Sex with Sandra is pretty good. Last night I had intense dreams, though now I cannot fully remember them. In the morning I ran above the village and I had a feeling that somehow this was a special place.

Saturday November 16, 1996
Fugen, Germany
[L] [F]

Amy

Some sun, snow on ground, cloudy afternoon.

Today is a good day. I woke up early and went running, then sit-ups and pull-ups, sauna. Sandra and I went to breakfast upstairs with Karl and Antje. Sandra and I returned downstairs, worked awhile, made love. I photographed her in the afternoon; I think she is a fantastic model. She is so shapely for a very petite woman. I feel more in love with her each day, and I guess it is natural to grow more in love the more you are around someone.

17 SUN Munich

18 MON Newcastle

19 TUE Newcastle

Wednesday November 20, 1996
Port of Spain
[L] [F] [S] [A]

Amy

En route to Miami from Newcastle

This morning I woke up next to a dream. She is smiling, laughing; there is a soft, intelligent edge to her voice. Her hair is short and slightly curled and messy. She is very soft, warm and affectionate. We make our latest jokes in the dark, hold each other, we make love. I love her personality, her warmth, her kisses, her way of being happy and even her way of being sad. I think about leaving her for the next thirteen days. My feelings are mixed. I try to imagine what it is like to be just with her and not to have any other girls. I imagine that she is happy more often and that I am more content. I feel her vagina next to me and around my penis. Our conversation is contemporaneous.

“I love you.”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“You don’t think I love you?”
“Well, I love you more than you love me.”
“On guard! On guard!” (This is our new game, in which we play-fight like chickens, whose only weapon it appears is their beaks, so we stare, turn our heads, face off, pretend to prepare for battle. We kiss and hold.
“Are you sure you’re coming back to see me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you promise?”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to make love to any other women?”
“No.”
“Do you promise?”
“Yes.”

The time is about 4:45 a.m., and I know I am going to have to get up now. The penalty would be missing my flight to Newcastle, Miami, Port of Spain, and at the end of it, to disappoint Nicole.

Tomorrow is Nicole’s birthday. I feel like a spy, only I don’t feel very aware of this feeling, it is only a way of being that I don’t stop to really analyze. I say goodbye to this fabulous woman, who peers out upside down from the bed as I open the door. I go back and give her a hug. I am distinctly aware that if she knew I was going to see Nicole, or sleeping with Amy at home, it could well be the last time that I ever feel that wonderful feeling again. Just minutes earlier, she had said, “If you do, I’ll leave you.”

In the taxi, I curl up in the cold and try to sleep, which I achieve during the twenty minute ride. Already I can feel Sandra trailing away and I stop myself in my mind for a moment and think about that. Then she feels closer again. I call her from the airport. She is rather cheerful. I really love her so much. It is odd, that. I felt less in love with her when I first saw her this time. I was used to Amy’s fuller body, the way Amy made love to me, her tighter pussy, her longer hair. Sandra was so slight of build. Yet each day for a week I have grown accustomed to her again, and now fear losing her, for I cherish her. I take note of how she has behaved with her family, and I fear that she will do the same to me, that is, just disappear for awhile, with no news. I want to love Sandra, yet I am a little reserved when I consider that I could get hurt in this way. I also consider how I met her: she was an “escort” (prostitute). It is all so odd. Sandra is the most trustworthy, that is how I feel. When I look in her eyes, I am always amazed, for I see the unbelievable: I see innocence. That can’t be!, I think. And I look again. And I am so amazed because it is there shining so clear. Her eyes look so loving, so clear and sincere, even, if she is upset, as if despite themselves to show it.

I sleep to Newcastle, arrive in London. The day is cold. I have checked in my coat and wear a thin fleece vest. I try to call Sandra, but she has checked out. I presume she and Karl have gone on to Munich. I call Amy. She is sleeping. She is loving. I tell her of my problems at work and she lectures me. She internalizes my own frustrations. I tell her to calm down and forget it, but I remind her that I appreciate that she takes my worry as her own. I tell her I miss her, and that I miss making love to her. I am reminded of how nice she is to be close to. There is something wonderful with both Amy and Sandra.

I am living in between these two women, and they dominate my thoughts and my time in terms of who I call and who I feel beholden to. I do not want to lose either of them. I love them both. This is a problem. What do I do if Sandra comes to the USA? I don’t want to lose her. I think of what she said. She doesn’t need to marry me, she just wants to be with me. She said that she doesn’t want to assume that we will always be together because she doesn’t want to get hurt. In this respect, she and I are the same. I felt touched and told her so, because it seems all the women I get involved with are interested in marriage more than in me. I don’t know. Sandra is an … well, I don’t know how to describe her. I shouldn’t trust her, but I do trust her. I really love her.

Obviously, sooner or later, something will come to a head in this situation. I think of D. Ross, who might talk about postponing pain. I don’t want to hurt and I don’t want to get hurt, but at the same time, at this time, I am feeling that my initial dream of living with both of them is impractical. One of the reasons it is is because there is something special about being one-on-one with a woman. There is a closeness. Is this possible with two? I don’t know. I guess it would just be different.

One of my shortcomings, perhaps, is because I am afraid to venture out too much in anything. I am ordinary in that sense, no matter how different my path may be from others. I see others risking much more in every way. I am sort of conservative. Sure, it must be possible to live out this dream, but then again, maybe it is not the best I can do anyway.

I think of all my theories about how women’s allegiance goes to the person they sleep with, as if I am different, but then again, I am not so sure that I am really very different. Sandra and Amy both make me feel beautiful things, but they the feelings are just different.
[!!!]

My feelings now, going to see a third woman, Nicole, are sort of sad. Sad because I know that I cannot give Nicole what she wants. Sad because I know that I could probably be happy with any of a number of women, but not with all of them at once and not with just one of them at once either. The reason for the latter is that I think I will get too jealous if I stay with only one. It is my experience that women (people), at some point, will be approached or maybe find interest in someone else. Maybe it is only a passing thing. Maybe it could destroy the relationship or not. But one thing is for sure, and that is that I don’t like that sort of a situation. Playing around feels like an emotional protection, or insurance, against getting too tied to just one woman. Women (people) are not always reliable. I tend to be very reliable, when I put my mind to it, but my actions don’t guarantee how my partner will behave.

I don’t look forward to losing anyone, and on the other hand, intellectually, I realize that I might actually be happier with less.

Work

I am depressed about work. I do not want to fire anyone, and yet I am so unhappy with the way things are going. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t look forward to the Saturday meeting I had planned with the staff. It seems that we might lose the biggest order we ever would have gotten because of a stupid mistake in the quotation. I am really angry about it, and I find myself as close to firing several people as I have ever been.

Then I look at it a different way. Philosophy gets the better of me. My theories are haunting me. What good does it do to just be normal? I can already look around and see the result. What do I mean by normal? I read the Economist. That’s normal. Aerospace fighters plane contracts. Wars with guns. Preoccupation with making ‘money’. Etc. Multinational hotels that look alike wherever you go? And usually, all this is advertised as being great stuff. I am supposed to be impressed by who gets what, and I am supposed to seriously see the merit of political rationale as to why they cannot send aid to Rwanda/Zaire. The jets are going to cost about $165 billion. Who is profiting from all this? O.K. You think I am rambling, but actually it is to the point. The point being: what am I doing with my life? My problem is that I have compassion. My good point is that I have compassion. I don’t have a choice really. I am who I am. I do care about these people. They are making a lot of mistakes.

I look at my company as like a mini-society. We have language problems, pollution problems, cultural differences. I am not so depressed about the reality of man’s existence on the planet, only what they are doing with it. So I sort of took it on as a personal challenge, rather than drop this chaotic company, I thought I would try to make something of it. Firing people: this brings up the question, how do you ‘fire’ someone in society? It seems that the best way must be other than “firing.” I don’t really mind if people want to leave, they should be able to. But to fire them, this seems ‘forceful’, and obviously this cannot be the right direction. I’ve got to get them into my head, let them see the world through my eyes, then, maybe, they would understand how to make things right. But (again, obviously) no matter how I lecture people, it doesn’t have a good effect. Certainly not the desired effect.

To some extent, the possibilities are limited by the context of my environment. I can think, for example, of ‘lowering people’s salaries’ as a means to deal with poor performers. But I don’t know if that is legal. On the other hand, that also seems like a poor solution. I know what I think a good solution is: education. I think this is why people sticking together works. Because over time, they learn. (And people like me realize that to some extent they’ll never learn, so I learn to live with it.) There must be a better way. There must be.

Mountains

I am so busy I have not given this enough attention. I talked to Pat from Gatwick Airport and he said he talked to Thierry and the price will be $ 20,000-21,000 if we take care of our own accommodation in Punta Arenas. I am afraid of the mountain. I am afraid of leaving Amy and Sandra alone for a month and afraid of what will happen when I return.

The departure for Antarctica is about six or seven weeks away. I’ll have to start buckling down in terms of getting equipment together. I have been running a lot more than a couple of months ago. My knee is actually not hurting much this last week.

Thursday November 21, 1996
Port of Spain
[L]

Today is notable in terms of the response I had to lack of sleep, etc. In the morning I just did not feel hungry and I did feel a remarkable horniness. I really felt so interested in sex it was rather spectacular. I suspect that yesterday’s caffeine was in my system. Conversely, after the morning activities, after I ate, I felt much less virile, but, notably, I did not drink anything with caffeine in it in the morning. Also, one obvious reason I may have diminished in sexual ability was because I had made love so many times (6) in a 12 hour period. The first five times had been phenomenal, little else to surpass it. The sixth time began just as good but then fell off dramatically. There are actually three attributable reasons: 1. being drained from so much sex. 2. Lack of caffeine. 3. Nicole seemed sore and was less inviting than at first. This may actually be the biggest single reason. The other times, I felt so much coming from her. The other possibility was maybe a change of heart in her: I had gone to make a phone call to Sandra. Maybe she had read something of mine. But I would not place too much emphasis on this because I was not sure. Nicole’s body has deteriorated and she seemed less appealing to me from a visual basis. But I loved her smell and her pussy is delightful, amongst the best. Her kissing lips are great too. But I felt rather decisive that I do not want to be with her exclusively.

Friday November 22, 1996
San Francisco
[L] [A]

This morning I awoke very early (3 a.m.) to call Sandra. I went to another room in the hotel (given key by front desk) and called her. When I returned Nicole and I made love. I felt alternatively excited and not excited: simply, I was worn out. Again in the morning we messed around. I …. [remainder of entry missing….]

LETTER TO THIERRY RENARD RE MOUNT VINSON

Jeff Shea
708 Vermont Street
San Francisco, CA 94107
Home telephone: 415-647-8444
Cellular telephone: 415-308-7520
Fax: 415-647-3174

November 22, 1996

Renard Thierry
Fax 45-41-66-27

Dear Renard:

I am in receipt of your 11/11 fax requesting (the balance of) $25,000. I spoke with Pat Falvey a few days ago and he informed me that you two had spoken and come to an agreement that the fees would total approximately $20,000 to $21,000, not including accommodation in Punta Arenas. I have not received an update from you, and I wish to forward the balance owed as soon as possible (early next week), but I want to clarify what that is.

My understanding is that in order to have a self-guided trip, ANI requires one to have a certificate or a guiding company. I appreciate the fact that because of your qualifications, we are able to go on a self-guided trip, and I am happy to pay a premium to you because of this. In addition, to the extent that you are providing food or equipment through your business, certainly I am willing to pay for that as well. However, when I first spoke with Pat, I was under the impression that this was not a “guided” climb, but three mountaineering companions going together. I would appreciate it if you could clarify:
i) our relative roles
ii) provide a breakdown of what equipment and supplies you are bringing
iii) what equipment and supplies you want me to bring
iv) a breakdown of the charges you expect from me over and above the $16,000 [that] ANI informs me are the self-guided charges.

I am eager to finalize the arrangements to go early next week. I look forward to meeting you. Please respond as soon as possible. I will be in next week and gone the following week, so I want to take care of this no later than mid-next week (November 27th).

Thank you.

Cordially,

Jeff Shea

23 SAT San Francisco

Sunday November 24, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra’s notes:
Options
Near Term I (until December 3rd)
1. Come to Vancouver now
2. Try to go to Toronto
3. Wait in Munich
4. Other, perhaps a trip within Europe.

Near Term II (December 11 to January 2)
1. Stay in Germany and begin school
2. Travel to Vancouver and I can come and visit
a. Try to come to America during this time
b. Wait until just before I leave to come
c. Don’t try to come, with idea to wait until my return
3. Travel to Toronto and try to enter USA
4. Other

Interim Term (January 3 to February 3)
1. Return to Germany, work for ATS
2. Return to Australia
a. Stay just for the month
3. Stay in Vancouver
4. Other

Intermediate Term (February 3 to May 23)
1. Stay in Germany, study, work for ATS or other (get an apartment in Europe, in Germany, go to school (German or Law or other)
2. Return to Australia, begin studies.
3. Keep trying to get into USA from Vancouver.

Long Term
1. Live in USA
2. Live in Germany
3. Live in Australia
4. With, or without, Jeff
5. Other

Issues
1. Are we planning on being together for our whole lives?
2. Are we planning on marrying?
3. Are we planning on having children?
4. Are we planning on being together all the time?
5. If she comes to USA, will she travel with me?
6. How much time will I be spending in the USA next year (97)?
7. How much time will I be working vs. adventuring next year?
8. Are we compatible?
9. Do we want to try to do something besides business together?
10. What do you see yourself doing in five years?
11. How will we deal with crises in the future?
12. How much do we really enjoy each other’s company?

Current problems
1. Her loneliness
2. Her isolation
3. How to spend her time
4. No income
5. Sense of not contributing
6. Expensive surroundings in Munich
7. Not knowing her future plans
8. Feeling insecure as to how much I want to be with her
9. Feelings of jealousy
10. Not having finished school
11. Not having a permanent place to stay

Proposals
1. Stay in Munich till December 3rd
2. I will pay her expenses and $400 per week in return for 40 hours per week of work, pending approval from Doug and Kathy
3. Thereafter come to Vancouver and I will come visit her on Dec 15-16, 20-21, 26-27, 31-1. Or similar. Or try to come to States.
4. Thereafter return to Munich and enter German school, while working in ATS and seeking furthering of university studies, until May, when we will try to get her into the USA.
5. Alternate: try to get into States while I am gone or when I get back.
6. Other.

Business projects
1. Pen and pad drawings, and/or color illustrations on “how one can see a boss and a company” drawing cartoon I did.
2. Improvement of demo kit.
3. Video of demo kit.
4. Expenses compiled, faxed, sent.
5. Studying of binder.
6. Compilation of all companies in Europe.
7. Demonstration aids/charts.
8. Etc.

My own view
1. I really love her.
2. I do want to continue on a long term basis
3. I love her so much, I would like to work things out with her, no matter how much effort it takes to overcome the difficulties that may arise, including interpersonal difficulties.
4. Someday I would love her to have a child with me.
5. I would love to always know her.
6. I would love to travel with her.
7. I would love to get to know her more.
8. I would love to do things with her.
9. I really enjoy her company, particularly making love, her sense of humor, our ability to work together, her intelligence, her gentleness, her ability to mix with any company.
10. Maybe someday get married (even if it is a non-conventional marriage).

Her idea
Made reservations to San Francisco direct
Made reservations to Toronto then San Francisco
Made reservations to Vancouver then San Francisco
Come to Vancouver or Toronto and try to get in one more time or give up if she can’t get in legally then wait till next year.

Monday November 25, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Sandra (2+), Amber

It was really monumental to talk to Amber. I really felt so much love for her (again).
Tuesday November 26, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Tonight I told Jack about my affair with his wife. Remember diary, a year ago he had encouraged me to do so (so he would have a way out of his marriage). He did not seem too angry, but mostly shocked that she would give me a blow job since she never did so for him. Later he wanted to see my computed files. I could not find anything significant till he left. He was also shocked that she would take off her clothes voluntarily for me. He said it explained a lot that she had not realized that what she was doing was oral sex until after she had heard the radio show.

27 WED San Francisco

28 THU San Francisco

Friday November 29, 1996
San Francisco
[L] [F]

One of the biggest thrills of my life (weird of me) was that Doug & Kathy did not dispute paying me an $ x bonus. Plus salary raise to $ x K. Wondering where my life is taking me. Tired of cramped offices, etc. Sandra is regularly suspicious in really creative ways. I sometimes laugh at her theories, only the underlying truth is that I am sleeping with other women.

Saturday November 30, 1996
San Francisco
[L] [A] [F] [S]

Great run around hill, up then down, record time 13:50.50, plus two brisk runs on flat approximately six minutes each, plus 15 minutes heavy intense workout on legs, mostly leg extensions, each leg separate, to 100 lbs.

I called Haruka.

Too busy for comfort. I have been contemplating calling Courtney, the girl I met when she was 16. She will be 18 in May, and I would love to have her. I wonder if she still remembers me/wants me.

…..

Some notes from before, when Amy was seeing someone else, and I was hurting:
“Safe places in love”
1. Doing what you can to support your lover unconditionally.
2. Being dedicated to doing your best for your lover(s).
3. The concept of the woman or women in your life in terms of the fact that they, together, represent a finite number versus the fact that the women who are not in your life represent a virtually limitless number in comparison. If this number of women is defined as all those women in the world waiting to be loved by you, then it becomes obvious that in comparison what you currently “have” in your life is infinitesimal compared to what you could have and don’t have, if one is to look at it objectively. Then, one can choose to look at one’s situation in terms of a singular sense (the way we normally look at love), or in a virtual sense (actual reality of possibility). One can then contemplate “maximizing,” that is, if one wanted a lot of women, then in the virtual sense, one’s women (all those in the world) have many other lovers besides oneself. This never excites one’s jealousy. Only those whom we perceive to “have in our lives” excite our jealousy. If viewed in the virtual sense, then the logical next step is to “maximize,” that is, to have the most women the most times less their affairs with others.

Idea:
If you paid each of 5 billion people and average of $20,000 for a year of work, it would cost you $100 trillion, and you could change the human world significantly forever.

December 1996

Sunday December 1, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Amy has barely talked to me for days. I don’t know exactly what the problem is in a way, although it is about Sandra, of course. Still, because Amy sometimes handles it so well, I do not understand what triggers it. First she found the photographs of Sandra that I was drying the other day. Then she found a letter I faxed to Sandra that said “Sweetheart.” Still, no matter how much I may be at fault, I simply do not like her giving me the cold treatment. I keep calling Sandra every day three times a day, once in her evening, once before her bed and once when she wakes up. Amy knows this, which has aggravated the situation. Amy has a bad sore throat and this also makes her miserable. No matter what, I still love her.

2 MON en route to Newcastle

3 TUE Newcastle

4 WED Newcastle

5 THU Newcastle (Belfast N. Ireland during day)

6 FRI Newcastle

7 SAT Newcastle

8 SUN Newcastle

9 MON Munich

10 TUE Villach, Austria

11 WED Jlbuljana, Slovenia

12 THU Graz, Austria

13 FRI Newcastle

14 SAT Newcastle

Sunday December 15, 1996
San Francisco
[L] [A] [F]

En route to San Francisco
Dear Diary
It is most notable that I have not had the time to write for weeks. I am on my way home. Things are crazy. I am too fatigued in general. Consequently I have not handled the current situation well, and Sandra told me she will be on her way to Vancouver today with the intention of finding a way to my home in San Francisco within a few days. Just before I left home, upon prompting from Amy, I told her that I would marry her. I did however take the precaution of asking clarification of if she would be willing to do so outside the system, although I committed to there being financial ties.

In one month I am scheduled to be in Antarctica. I have a lot of preparation to do.

I met a woman named Yasemin Cevatli who was working behind the desk of Lufthansa on the day I last went to Newcastle. Sandra and I played and loved while she [Yasemin] worked on my ticket for an hour. I had the opportunity to look carefully at her features, and found myself very, very attracted to her. I asked her for her phone number. She said she did not want to make Sandra sad. I then said, ‘O.K. just in a friendly way’. She said if I gave her my card, she would write to me and give me her phone number. I handed her my business card, and I was surprised as she handed me a slip of paper just moments later. I looked at it later. It contained her name and Munich phone number. I found myself thinking about her a great deal the rest of the day.

I have been in Europe for twelve days. During that time I visited some new places (which would be considered countries by the Travelers Century Club). These were new ones for me: Belfast Northern Ireland, Slovenia and Croatia. Sandra and I slept in Jlubljana and the next day drove to my grandfather’s village and to my grandmother’s parent’s village, Cresnjevec and Bresova Raber, respectively. I think it left an indelible impression on me and that I will remember it for a long time. The whole valley of Semic (pronounced Semich) was clouded over. As we drove into Bresova Raber on the hillside, the sun wagged in and out of the clouds in a fashion which lent it a strange, happy spiritual glow. As this was the place of habitation for the parents of my dear, dear grandmother, I was really touched by this. Even Sandra seemed to feel this special feeling. I had the impression that this village was situated in a way that it received more sun at this time of year than other villages nearby. I thought of how my grandmother loves the sun coming in through the window.

Business has been taxing yet interesting. Sometimes lately Karl has seemed crabby and I have found it distressing to argue with him. Still I admire him a great deal and I enjoy working with him. It usually seems he is upset when others are around rather than when we are talking by ourselves. On the Villach project it seems that we have been cheated out of it by the engineer who gave us quantities to quote which were too great.

Things with Sandra have been surprisingly nice. I must comment that our sex life was getting boring to me, but then two things happened. One was that we were honest to each other. She told me that she was not having orgasms and that contrary to what she had previously told me, she used to have them with her old boyfriend.

16 MON San Francisco

17 TUE San Francisco

18 WED San Francisco

19 THU San Francisco

Friday December 20, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Called Nicole but just missed her departure from the office.

21 SAT San Francisco

22 SUN San Francisco

Monday December 23, 1996
Vancouver
[L]

Tried calling Amy.

Amy left in morning not too happy. My plane was late to see Sandra and I could not reach Amy. When I got to Vancouver it was after 5 p.m. I met a Taiwanese girl on the plane. That was nice. Maybe I’ll see her again. It was really great to see Sandra. We watched movies and ate buttered popcorn (room service, it was really good). We had sex a lot, but it was not as hot as the last time we were together.

Tuesday December 24 , 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Mei called and left a message.

Left Sandra in the morning. I missed her and did not want to leave. Still, Amy was so hard to reach, I felt “What am I going through the trouble for?” and when I saw her, she seemed so old and stodgy, non-communicative. It’s almost like she wants to find a reason to break up with me.

Wednesday December 25, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Michiyo called early in the morning

By seven o’clock today, I felt that I had finally gotten both Amy and Sandra independently pacified to the point that for one moment they were both simultaneously [not] upset with me. Phew! This is a lot of work!

I called Yasemin in Munich. I made an appointment to call her at noon on January 2nd. I sorted out my plans finally. I will plan to take Sandra to Munich on the 29th, leave on the 2nd but really stay and see Yasemin. Fly to Paris to see Amy on the 3rd morning. Later, I want to fly to see Nicole on the 10th and stay for two days and fly on to South America on the 12th. When I called to wish Jack a Merry Xmas, Amber asked to speak with me. She said that she thought that maybe Jack knew and she would call me later.

26 THU San Francisco Tried to call Nicole but no answer

Friday December 27, 1996
San Francisco
[L]

Fax from Michiyo

Amber: there was a lot of significance tonight. I felt and took a different approach. I was at first very laid back and did not tell her I loved her and did not touch her, but after awhile the old chemistry compelled me to touch her. I grabbed her crotch, hugged her, tried to kiss her but she would not let me (until one voluntary one at the end). I stripped and laid there across the seats, and I put her hand on my bare penis. She let me rub it around for awhile, then she would pull it away. I was not excited physically, but it was one of the most natural feelings I could imagine. Then as I started to get excited she pulled her hand away. She admitted she would like to do everything with me but she would not let herself. It is confusing in a way, so I have this to offer as an analysis.

Remember that just two days earlier she has indicated she did not want to speak to me anymore, now she had her hand on my penis. I will phrase my summary as a question: suppose underneath that the reason she is going to Hawaii to live is so that she and I have a place to go where she can be free with me, not have to report home, and be in a different environment. Suppose that even though she announced this week that she would not give me her address, that she discovers a reason later on to give it to me, whereby I was overcome and I had to come to see her. Suppose she resisted for a few days on my arrival but eventually was overcome and allowed herself to be sexual with me. Suppose this was around March to May this coming 1997. Further note: In retrospect, I have failed to really record enough about this relationship, which is very interesting.

Saturday December 28, 1996
San Francisco
Message for Haruka, Left MSG w/ Haruka

Sunday December 29, 1996
en route to Munich
[L]

So I left home on the 29th of December, bound for Vancouver. But the problem was that Vancouver was snowed in. Sandra was supposed to meet me there, take me to her hotel, make love with me, eat popcorn and watch a movie, and return for a flight to Frankfurt in the afternoon. That never happened. Instead I stayed all day at SFO and departed directly for Frankfurt by myself.

Monday December 30, 1996
Frankfurt
[L]

Call from Sandra. Asked “Who is it?” as a joke, thinking it was Nesrin. What a ‘close call!’ It was Sandra, and she took the joke, saying “It’s Nancy, Carmen” (names we joke with to mean “other women”). Also, during day: Haruka, left message Laura, So-Young

I do not know if it is significant or not, but today, I met Nesrin Ozolfer. She is Turkish by parentage and German by birth, and has lived in California for the past three years. I noticed her in the airport and thought she was pretty, but I did not think she would be interested, so I just ignored her. But she began to talk to me. We sat in the plane, waiting for de-icing, for four hours. I was sleeping, and she put her blanket half over me. I imagined: what would it be like for me if she touched me. I then imagined she might like it too. I slowly slid my hand under the blanket, touched the side of her leg, then her leg fully, between her leg where her hand rested. I did not do more. When we “woke up,” I later made gestures like rub her back. When the flight was cancelled, I thought it was great, they gave us a voucher for a double room. To my chagrin, she specified that she wanted a single room. Still when we checked in, I called her. She said she was getting ready to take a shower. She told me to call her back. This process repeated itself another couple of iterations. To my surprise, when I called her back she said she had only a T-shirt on, had found a candle, and was drinking a beer. She told me to look outside (our rooms were right next to each other). I looked outside and saw a beautiful castle across the river. I kept trying to convince her to let me come over or to come over to my room. Finally, she came over. I hugged her by the window. We sat on my couch in the dark. She moved to the bed but told me not to. I half sat up at the top of the bed. Then I shimmied down and finally she spooned me, with her back to me. I did not touch her breasts, but I put my arm across to her shoulder. As soon as I was savoring it and feeling lucky, she got up and then almost as quickly, she left, not letting me kiss her, turning away. Later I called her. She later admitted that she had been getting excited. She also told me that she never had a one-night stand in her life. She also said that during her time in LA, she had been faithful to a German guy who had not been, and she said in all that time, even after they broke up, she had not tried to date. Her looks are kind of different, in this way: I could find little things wrong with her looks, but she impressed me as the kind of woman that makes men’s heads turn. She is about 5′ 7” tall, maybe 5′8”. When I look at the overall woman, she impresses me a very beautiful, sort of a classic European beauty.

[Same day, different diary entry….]
When I got there, the flights to Munich were delayed, and I went to sleep on the seats. When I awoke, they said the gates had already closed, and I became angry. A beautiful young lady also had problems similar to mine. She began to talk to me. They found us a place on the plane, but we had to sit on the airstrip for four hours, and ultimately the flight was canceled anyway. While we were sitting there, we fell asleep. I woke up to notice her putting half of her blanket over me. I reached under the blanket and stroked her leg, approaching it with my hand very, very slowly. It was exciting, though I was too nervous to feel sexually excited. In this way, she and I became closer. We were given a hotel voucher, and I thought I was in luck when they gave us a double room. Instead, she asked them to change it to a single room. Nevertheless, when we got there, I, after she told me on the in-house phone that she was practically naked by candlelight in her room drinking a beer, convinced her to come to my room. We were on my bed, with her (now in pants and a T-shirt) laying in the cleft of my body, when she abruptly got up and left. She later told me she was getting excited. The next morning, we continued on to Munich. She was kind of cold, and I all but gave up on her. She gave me her telephone number in Munich. Her name is Nesrin. Note that in part of our conversation that night, we both admitted that the thought of us being married had crossed our minds for an instant while we were sitting on the airstrip together in Frankfurt.

It should also be noted that when I was in the room in Frankfurt (Intercontinental) waiting for Nesrin to call me back, I called Karl in Munich. I gave him my number and Sandra called him and got it. Sandra called and I thought it was Nesrin. Just as a joke, I asked “Who is it?” and Sandra joked back “It’s Nancy Carmen!” I am glad I asked, because otherwise I was already to start saying something that would have incriminated. By the way, it occurs to me that if Sandra ever read this she would feel very hurt, as if that interaction was disrespectful to her. Actually, the truth of it is, if you can understand the duality of my behavior, that I am completely in love with Sandra. I have such a good time with her, I feel so happy when we are together, etc.
Tuesday December 31 , 1996
Munich
[L]

In the morning, Nesrin was particularly crabby, to the point, I thought she did not like me at all. I debated at the gate whether to go with her to Munich or to wait until Sandra made her connection. Nesrin would not give me her phone number, and boarded the plane, angry. She thought I was acting strange, because I would not specify to her why I was hesitating to get on the flight. I finally boarded and sat next to her. She said that she knew I would get on the flight. She read her book on the way. I wanted her attention and told her so, but I got little. She said she was Daddy’s girl, and her father was there to pick her up. She said goodbye to me in the baggage storage room and indicated I should/could call her. I went to the hotel, Karl came by, we talked awhile, and then drove to the airport to pick up Sandra. Sandra seemed a little less friendly but still loving. I became jealous when she talked about talking to businessmen on the plane. We all went to lunch. After, Karl dropped us off.

Sandra and I made love and then slept. When we awoke, we made love again. We got in a dispute but I do not remember over what. I went downstairs for a few minutes, really it was to call Amy. When I went back upstairs, Sandra was leaving. She said she was leaving me and was upset. Sometimes I wonder if women have a sixth sense. I made up with her and we were then happy again. We made love (I think) and slept again late at night.

[Same day, different diary entry….]
When I arrived in Munich (December 31st), Nesrin perfunctorily said goodbye to me. (She had seemed impatient with me throughout the morning.) I caught a taxi to the Kempinski Hotel. Karl came by and we talked while checking the incoming flight schedule for Sandra (from Frankfurt). After a short time, we went to pick her up. The three of us went out to eat, and then Karl dropped us off at the hotel.

Sandra and I made love and slept early, awaking before the New Year. I do not remember now, but for some stupid reason, we ended up in a spat. I went downstairs to call Amy. The telephone receptionist seemed particularly lovely. She was Polish. Her name is Arlett Karpinski. I thought to make a move on her, but she mentioned that she had spoken to Sandra and how nice Sandra had been. I thought better of making an advance. Better to wait and at some later date, when I could believably argue that I was no longer attached, I could call her and make contact. She looked so beautiful.

I went back upstairs and Sandra was blow-drying her hair, ready to leave. I guess that I am bothered by the fact that Sandra does not seem to be getting her projects done. I must have mentioned something about her using me, because I do remember she was saying that she was going to give me back my credit card and leave me. I calmed her down and reassured her that indeed she had been devoted. After that, everything seemed pleasant and calm.

The end of 1996 Journal